Break ups, heartache, and rebuilding yourself. Ft Erica Turner

Today, we are talking all things about how to deal with heartache and break ups:
- How to grow self-worth and confidence.
- Noticing traits inside of you and stopping sabotaging behaviours
- Difficulties with boundaries and communication
- Are you in love because you need them or you need them because you love them?

Joined by guest speaker Erica Turner, founder of Your Relationship Reset - true blessing to have her join me!

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Hallo friends N this fatigue. Akilah episode. I am joined by Erica Turner. Now she is the founder of your relationship resets. She is a relational psychotherapist and absolutely incredible. So listen to this episode that we eat it together. Thank you so much, Erica, for doing this with me and joining me. I really do appreciate that. Yeah. Of course. I was flattered that you asked to do this. Honestly, I'm such a huge fan of your work so honestly the pleasure is absolutely mine. Um, so I'm doctor Sarah. People who don't know me, I guess that there's a lot of people, um, Coming up on the messages and I can see people commenting. So thanks so much, uh, for getting joined in. Um, so I'm a clinical psychologist and we Very much work in the same sort of field so it's it's really lovely to connect and I thought something that would be really important To talk about today, uh, that I believe that would serve both of our communities is really how do we heal from heartache And breakups this is something that I hear day in day out and I suppose I just wanted to invite you to the platform as well Yeah. With your thoughts. Yeah. I mean, I'm get so many, uh, DMs and messages about, You know, recent breakup or even the idea of ending a relationship is terrifying because of the uncertainty and the unknown of what will happen, where it will lead, where you know, how will I handle, you know, The fallout or the outcome. So I just think this is such an important topic to to explore and just provide some, You know, some guidance around just first Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. And, Uh, 1 thing that I often talk about is that people have this, Almost like this idealized vision of them feeling okay because the relationship's okay. Whereas actually I would say that the inverse would be true and so people end up focusing unfortunately, I think people end up focusing in so much On gluing the relationship and making sure that it's okay without necessarily looking at the foundations that would cultivate a healthy relationship. So It's almost like you're trying to build a house and the found if the foundation isn't there, then, You know, the house risks falling down. Right? And and people focus in so much about plastering the walls of the house whereas actually we really should be focusing in on the Foundation because the moment that we have that foundation being stable and solid, I. E. The the How is that we feel about ourselves and the parts of ourselves that might feel injured, that that need support, that need love and holding. The moment that we're able to get that then actually making decisions about relationships being able to to overcome heartache but even making decisions About whether or not there's a healthy relationship for me to continue those decisions become a lot easier because actually I've I've got resilience and and That sense of being grounded in myself. Yes. Exactly. I love that metaphor of you are the foundation. Right? Like, if you're not if you're not secure within yourself first and foremost, uh, or if you're just not actively working on that as well, Then it's gonna be it's gonna be a struggle, uh, to to navigate a relationship from a place of, You know, calm and peace because there's this sense of I need this other person. So it's like that, That not I hate to use the word desperation, but that sense of lack is what's fueling your Instead of your decisions being, uh, fueled from a place of security within yourself. Yeah. Completely. Yeah. And yeah. And I suppose so I suppose it'd be really helpful for us to talk about, um, How to deal with heartache or how to deal with these difficult situations and um I suppose just before going into that you know There's there's a real, um, difference for, uh, from an emotional and a mental space. There's a real difference Between considering, I love you because I need you versus I need you because I love you. And I think we often or or people who struggle often get the 2 confused. So this idea of I love you because I need you. Then that suggests that actually they need their relationship or their partner to almost stabilize like that they actually get all of their emotional regulation or or their level of stability based on their partner and how their partner is. And so there's a huge emphasis on the relationship and and really, um, trying for dear life to hold on to the relationship as opposed You necessarily just seeing each other as independent individuals and and actually we're coregulating each other. Um, whereas the other sense is that I need you because I love you is actually I'm able to see you as a separate entity, as a separate human being. You've got separate Qualities and values and characteristics and actually I I want to be with you. It becomes a choice and and that Provides a high level of empowerment and sense of grounding. Yes. Yes. I love that very much. So yes I know we briefly I know we briefly kind of messaged, um, just before we hopped ton here. But I suppose 1 thing that I was thinking about that that might be helpful for us to consider are Ways in which we deal with heartache. Yeah. Yeah. So the first, uh, thing that I always like to kind of Set in terms of just, you know, baseline understanding of what's going on within your body, within your mind when a heart Break, when a breakup happens, when there's separation. Right? Because I think when we're talking about, like, distinguishing, You know, I always ask, do you miss the person and, you know, their characteristics, the way they treated you, you know, their behaviors, Or do you miss, you know, the needs that you were hoping they would fulfill Through being in a relationship with, uh, the person, which are very different things. Right? Because how they're treating You may be very different than, you know, the the way you actually want to be treated. But if you Are already on this journey of being able to fulfill your own needs and have multiple resources and strategies for fulfilling your needs, Then, you know, especially when we're operating from more of, like, a codependent angle or, um, anxious attachment, myself included, in the past, Uh, you know, we don't have any other strategies for getting our needs met, so we fully rely on this person we're in relationship with to feel fulfilled. So when I start asking clients, you know, what do you miss about this person? The person, uh, when it was a toxic or unfulfilling relationship, They struggle to put into words exactly what it is that they miss. So that really just kind of tease and separate out. I don't actually miss the person. Right? I don't miss, uh, the way they treated me. I don't really miss Their their characteristics or or some of their traits, I just miss almost this fantasy of How I hoped things would be. I I am missing, uh, all the needs that I projected onto this person that I hoped They would fulfill. And so I feel like it's easier to go through, you know, the the heartbreak and the loss And the grieving process when we can realize that what you're missing wasn't even a reality in the first place. Yeah and I think that's that's such a common thing that people really get confused between I'm in love with the potential This kind of idealized romanticized fantasized image that they have in their mind. I'm in love with the potential and the potential is the thing that I really Miss and the potential is the thing that I'm grieving. This is the reality of the relationship, the reality of the person. And, you know, even from a neurological perspective it's really confusing, right, because the brain can't tell the difference between what is real and what's imagined and so If we've had moments with the person where we felt euphoric or we had Promises that were made or we had, um, kind of the, you know, these conversations where, oh, just imagine if we lived here together and we did this and we got married and we had kids And and all of a sudden you're you're biologically living in that reality and subconsciously you start to get really attached to that Potential but that's all potential right that's all imagined and you're you're right in terms of Cipering the 2 in terms of do you miss the potential or the idealized thing that it could have been versus the reality of what it was or the all the Real characteristics and their behaviors. And so, um, if I could speak a little bit to you this, I think because this is a common conversation that I have kinds too and and something that I often say that I feel like helps people to decipher the 2 is If you were to imagine watching this person on a TV screen that you're you're not there, you're not in a Relationship you're simply watching them on a tv screen as if they're living out their life as if you're watching a reality tv show or something and you watching that Person on the screen. How do you observe them? How do you see them in terms of their behaviors, their characteristics, how they Treat other people, how they interact in life, how they treat other relationships. So if you were to imagine almost as though your relationship played out with somebody else and There was a parallel version of you. How would you actually feel about that observing that and and that in itself, um, I suppose almost watching it on TV, it's it's just a way to gain a bit of perspective and and objectivity really to it. Yes. I love that. It it removes you from the dynamic and just kind of yeah. You're just watching them as objectively as you can. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. No. Absolutely. And I First 1 of the other things. So so actually, I'd be quite curious to hear your thought on this. Um, you know, when you're asking your clients actually, what is it that you miss about Um, and you you said, um, sorry. I might be paraphrasing here, but you said something about, um, that it might Feel a bit vague, the answer. I just wondered if you could kind of speak to that a bit more because I guess in my experience what I've seen is that people almost latch onto things and and they believe that those things are super important But you as an objective observer, you're like, this is a bit vague. So, so how can the person in that chair Really figure out, am I latching onto something and making it more giving it more emphasis or giving it more power than than what it actually is? Yeah. And I think this just takes, like, being radically honest with yourself, you know, because you can take 1 little behavior like, Oh, they called me when they said they would. Wow. You know, like, we So much, uh, wait and, like, uh, congratulations To what our basic, like, like, that's just hell like, duh. Right? Like, You know, we can't we shouldn't be putting on a pedestal basic, like, respect, you know, integrity, You know, doing what you say you're gonna do, we shouldn't idealize or or or idolize this as, like, this Big thing. So being, like, radically honest with yourself, and that's why I always say before you start dating or before you get into a relationship, I I mean, I did this. Get a piece of paper and write down, like, what do you want in a partner. Right? Do you want someone who says Or who does what they say they're gonna do. Right? Uh, who who calls you when they say they will, who takes initiative or plans dates or, You know, it's timely and responsive and and communication with you. Right? So that this is just your standard. This is be very clear on what your standards are So that when you're dealing with somebody, and I think this kind of points to what we've been talking about of the fantasy versus the reality, Having a concrete list written down is gonna help pull you out of that fantasy mode that you're in and get you Being as radically honest with yourself as possible by looking at the facts. I said I want x y z, But here I am tolerating things that aren't on what I said or my standards. And it's just it's just the most, I think, Uh, just what what is the word? Like, just, um, I don't I don't know what the word is, but it's just like you can't you can't not see it. Right? Mhmm. Right in front of you. Sorry. I'm going down a tangent here. I can't think of the word, but Just being radically honest with yourself. And I just so so so what I'm going to say and I'm, um, people who know me know that I'm quite frank even if I say stuff that is kind of hard to hear, but I'm I'm always honest. So so I just need to be honest to you this. I completely agree. I also think it's very difficult Yeah. For people and, you know, it's it's it's funny because the thoughts in my mind When you were talking about that list is that everybody, uh, whether they're in a relationship or out of the relationship, but their list Is basically I want somebody to be nice, to be kind, to be funny, to be loving and they have like this List. Right? Everybody has the list. Like, nobody says, hey. I want someone to kind of treat me a bit hot and cold. Like, nobody nobody has that on their list. Right? Everybody has the the Kind, the caring, the loving stuff on their list. And so even though that this is this is what might be Consciously on someone's list, the subconscious kicks in. Right? Subconscious being, like, 95 Son of what it is that we end up doing. And so, you know, and so what often happens, and I think this is a loop and a trap that people Sadly, fall down is that they'll enter the relationship and, you know, things are okay for the first Few dates. If if they were horrible after the first date you just wouldn't call them up again, right? Like, you just wouldn't go on a second date. It wouldn't make sense, like, You know, so so things tend to be kind of okay, mediocre or really great, however it goes, on the first few dates, and it's only with time that you then Start noticing that actually things are not so great all all of those stuff that's missing or stuff that you're not happy about stuff that you can't communicate and and you know you kind of get Entangled in in this web, but what's happening there is really the subconscious that's talking, Right and so what we end up doing is that we have bit of self talk. Some might be things like yeah no I know that I want someone loving. I do want something 1 loving. Uh, but what you would then say to yourself is,'Yeah, no, I know that they didn't call me when they said that. Oh, I know that they canceled that day and I know they forgot my birthday, but forgot my birthday but do you know what they really didn't mean it because they are actually really loving and it's almost like we end up talking our way around the fact not Fact but we end up talking ourselves into believing that they meet that criteria or they meet that list and we kind of ignore the bad stuff or we ignore the stuff that We're not happy with, uh, we almost like minimize that side and and we really amp up what we want to see and it's almost like a self preservation but it's also a preservation of the relationship and I think often that is very much a reflection of That person's self worth and how they perceive their own self worth. So, you know, if I feel like I'm not worthy of Unconditional love or if I feel like other people are better than me, other people have got better things going on. Other people's parties are, um, above mine. If if I'm coming from that state then chances are I have a fragile sense of Worth or sense of esteem. And so when I meet a partner who begets to call me or does it or is a bit Hot and cold they don't call me whenever they want. I kind of make excuses for it or or I justify it somehow because I'm like oh yeah but you know what they've They've got a lot going on for them and it's okay. It's okay. And somehow we kind of talk our way around it. We minimize ourselves. We dismiss ourselves or our needs. We minimize the importance of our priorities and the level of which we tolerate How we're being treated in a relationship I would say 100 percent of the time is a mirror of how we feel about our self worth And so if our self worth or our sense of self, if that feels fragile or it feels fractured, If if it's not really that grounded or we feel like our worth is conditional, then we're going to end up mirroring that In a relationship and attracting those patterns in a relationship because we equate that to our worth. Yes. A thousand percent. That was so beautifully said. I'm just, like, sitting here. Like, I know you can't see me, but I'm just, like, nodding along. I wish I could see you. I don't know what's happening here. I'm like, I'm trying to find your face, No. No. It's fine. I I did I did a lot weeks ago, and the same thing happened. Um, so I don't know if it's like a glitch on Instagram. But, um, I couldn't agree more, and it kind of circles back to what we were talking about at the very beginning around One's relationship with themselves and that foundation being so secure and what better element of a foundational, like, sense of self or a foundational, like, core element of a person Then their self worth. Right? It's like that we have to check-in with that. And for years, I was showing up in relationships That wasn't even on my mind. It wasn't it wasn't even something that I realized was missing. And to your point, The level of tolerance I had for mistreatment for less than what I wanted, etcetera, etcetera, was so high Because it was just confirming what I subconsciously believed about myself, which was I wasn't deserving of better. I wasn't Worthy, it wasn't enough. So, of course, I tolerated crap Yeah. Because it's it was almost expected. Yeah. Um, but it wasn't conscious to your point about, like, the sub it was all subconsciously happening. Yeah. And and I think also there's there's this concept that I talk to clients about and again I don't know if this, um, Resonates with you or what your thoughts are on what I'm about to say but I feel like there's this Idea where we've almost got these upper and lower limits. If you can see my hands, these upper and lower limits With regards to our self worth right or what we perceive our self worth To be. And so the upper and lower limits, it basically represents, well, the most I could be worthy of is this treatment up here. Anything above this. So if somebody is super nice to me and they are unconditionally loving and they are always consistent, they Oh, very safe. They're very trustworthy. They're secure. You know, the list goes on. If if I'm getting a lot of that But I've got doubts about my self worth, so they might be treating me up here. But if but if I've got doubts about my self worth, I kind of think, oh, this is a bit This is a bit weird. This is a bit uncomfortable. And I kind of reject the stuff that's up here because it doesn't it's above my It's above my highest level of self worth or perceived self worth. Right? So I've got this is like my higher limit. So I kind of reject anyone who might be Super secure. Okay? So I'm so I'm here. This is this is my upper limit. Right? And then I've got my lower limit in terms of okay. This is the Worst behavior that I'm going to tolerate, um, because this is like the baseline of what I'm worth. So for example the baseline of what I'm worth is oh, um, people forgetting my birthday, Right. I'll tolerate that because, you know, I'm not really that important. It's fine. They've got better faith. They're they're hanging out with their friends instead of me. It's Totally cool. Right? So so this would be the lower end of my my, uh, worth. Right? So so basically, I've got this bandwidth In terms of my perceived self worth. Right? So I reject anything that's above, and I'm also not comfortable with what's below. This is to begin with. Okay. But let's say as the relationship progresses and I might be holding on to the relationship for dear life because I'm too scared to be on my own. That's daunting. I don't know how I'll survive on my own and I actually put a lot of emphasis On my partner to regulate my emotions, to regulate how I feel about myself. So so so I can't tolerate not being on my own. That that that's too daunting. But what happens is, let's say, if I, um, in a relationship where I'm consistently and repeatedly experiencing, Uh, difficulties. So criticism being ignored, being neglected, being forgotten about, whether it be subtle or whether it be If I but but what happens is that instead of my threshold or all my bandwidth of my self worth being, let's say, here, It ends up starting to stoop down. It starts to, like, slope downwards. And so the level of which I Tolerate my lower end of what I tolerate goes worse and worse and worse. So I tolerate more bad behaviors, if If you see what I mean. And in terms of, uh, tolerating good behaviors that again reduces. So actually I'm more likely to reject things around acceptance or support and and then this might kind of have a ripple effect over and across different relationships. Right. So I might then, um, reject a lot of compassion and support from friends or family. So friends and family might see that I'm struggling in this relationship. They might be like, You know what? You don't have to stay there. You can you can spend the night here or you can, you know, and and they might offer the helping hand, but I I don't know what to do with it and I kind of decline it even though it's not, it's not like that they've given me the world. They've actually just been supportive And they've seen me while I've been in injury and they've just put their hand out to me, but but I kind of I start to reject it, right? Because my upper limit of my worth It's going down, but so is my lower limit of my worth. That also decreases. And and I think that We start to get on a really dangerous trajectory there. I mean I don't know what your thoughts are or all the thoughts of anyone who's Listening actually to you this um but this is a concept that I uh talk a lot and and support clients in Terms of processing when that when they're healing on their journey. Yeah. No. I I love that kind of, Uh, analogy or, you know, just the framework in which you're describing the upper and lower limits, I think that makes a lot of sense. And, Yeah. To your point about it kind of sloping downward, the longer we're in an unfulfilling relationship or a relationship where where we're being Treated. Um, and I I'm just glad that we're here here having, you know, this conversation to just bring awareness To the patterns. You know? Because for so long, I was just in these cycles unaware. And so that's why I always tell people, you know, awareness is is your superpower. You know, awareness is the catalyst To healing in in my opinion. Because if you're not aware of a problem, how can you how can you change it? So, you know, just kind of kind of, like, wanting to, like, bring it full circle here as we kind of, I guess, kind of close out our our session today. Just this idea of being aware. Because people, where do I start? Where do I start? Just beginning to notice yourself In your relationships. That's what I always, you know, kind of advocate to people. When somebody does something, what what What's going on with you? Um, when someone does x, what is your what is your knee jerk thought, Feeling, uh, what is your body doing? Right? Just getting into the practice of noticing yourself and being aware Of these automatic conditioned responses that have just been your default for so long, Uh, because this, like, conditioned self that you are, you know, we need to be aware of That. So that we can kind of begin to dissolve all of these automatic patterns so that you can clear the way for Getting in tune with and connected back to that, like, core authentic you, um, and separating off of all of these learned Ways of of relating. Um, you know, and I never thought about when someone doesn't call me, What what's going on within me? Why does this bother me so much? What beliefs do I hold about myself? Right? Um, what, you know, meaning am I assigning to my worth based on this person's behavior? None of those questions were crossing my mind. It was just, Well, how do I get their attention? Where are they? What are they do Um, Yeah. Yeah. And I I couldn't agree more because, you know, if not aware of something, then you you don't know what you don't know, and you can't change what you don't know. Right? So it it I think you beastly said that, and I think The more that we notice the nuances, I think That really holds the key because whenever we have an explosive situation, an argument, whatever it might be, We notice those, right? They're pre clear cut, but actually I would say the power is in noticing the stuff that might be day to day that's Smaller I. E. They've not phoned me back or they've not responded to that message or, you know, the thing the things that are a bit, um, more common because because it's actually the stuff that's common that's really going to open up the door in terms of what's going on inside of you and and Actually, what is, what is being evoked inside of you, that that insecurity or that pain point or that anxiety, those thoughts, those emotions, all, all of that stuff, But it's actually leaning into the stuff that happens day to day. If you liked this show, please do me three solids first, share it with a friend because if he found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will DT second subscribe so that you never get to miss an episode and third, please rate the show to help other people find life changing content. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, have a healthy and fulfilling relationships. So please help me in my mission.