High achievers fail at relationships

In the discussion about high achievers and their challenges in relationships, Sarah and Matt highlight the common issue of being overly focused on goals and rationality, neglecting emotional connection. They emphasize that success in relationships relies heavily on emotional and mental connection, which accounts for 80% of relationship longevity. Sarah stresses the importance of prioritizing meaningful values over achieving specific goals in relationships. Matt introduces a practical exercise involving a "values dartboard" to align actions with values. They underscore the need for intentional presence and effort in fostering emotional connection, even when lacking emotional intelligence. The conversation emphasizes the power of showing up for one another and discusses research showing that attunement in relationships leads to brainwave patterns akin to meditative states. This highlights the profound impact of emotional connection on overall well-being. They caution against the endless pursuit of tasks and goals, advocating for prioritizing and committing to nurturing relationships. Ultimately, they assert that genuine commitment, effort, and willingness to understand and support one another are crucial for relationship success, fostering a deeper emotional bond and overall fulfillment.

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Thank you so, so much for joining me and thank you everybody for joining me. And I know some people have commented out of the slide, but anyway, thank you so much for spending your time with us because today we are going to be talking about a really juicy topic and I feel like it's going to resonate with so many people and this is what it is. High achievement. Achievers, if you're a high achiever, this might be you, but high achievers really getting in their own way and really screwing themselves over particularly when it comes to relationship success. And I know myself and Matt, we were talking briefly about this just before we hit record, but One thing that we often see is that some people who are incredibly successful, they've got everything going on for them, unfortunately, aren't doing so well when it comes to their relationship with their spouse, to their marital home, um, to even just a general relationship, whether or not they're married, and they're really struggling in that domain. Even though everything else seems to be going really well. And so I just really wanted to invite Matt just to really share your experiences with regards to what you see in terms of your professional work as well. Oh, thank you, Sarah. It's great to be, it's great to be alive together. Um, well, yeah, so this, so this whole topic, right, of how you can get in your own way, particularly as a high achiever, I think really resonates with a lot of people. Um, especially in my clinical work, I work with a lot of people where Um, they excel, you know, in one domain, and maybe that's like their kind of job or their performance element. So maybe you're an athlete, or maybe you're a business ath business athlete, you know, at the top of your game. But let's start here. And one of the first parts of that is when you're very, very driven and really focused in your work, it can take up all your brain, you know, and take up all of your heart as well, because when you're really passionate and dedicated to something, there's this challenge, right? It's there, isn't it? That you, you know, this champion's mindset means that you want to think about it, you know, you want to be training towards your goals. You want to be really performing high, which means it needs to take up so much of you. And like we're talking about people with partners and people that want partners, there needs to be life that's outside of that real focus as well. And that's a challenge, right? Because that's a gear shift of focus and drive into love and connection. And that gear shift. It's something we need to cultivate. Um, so I don't see that in your work that it's almost like a skill that needs to be thought through and something that really needs to be intentional as well. Yeah, absolutely. And I think one. primary problem that I see with a lot of people, um, regardless of whether they are the person who is, let's say, in a relationship, there might be one person who is really high achieving, who is really driven, career focused, and then the other person who is more focused, let's say, on their home life. Even in in those sorts of dynamics, or whether both people, both partners are very career driven. Often what we tend to find is that there's a real divide and the divide is between our head and our hearts. And so often people. Have achieved really high status, or they've worked really, really hard in terms of their profession, in terms of attaining, uh, financial success in terms of attaining professional success, all of these successes, or, you know, what we tend to typically define a success. What often happens is that those people are very much. In their head. And that's the, that's how they got to that success, right? They got to that success because they had to problem solve because they had to think logically because they had to be rational because they almost had to push back any fears or any anxieties that they might've had of, well, what if I fail? What if I'm not good enough? What if, what if, what if. Believe me, they still have those fears most out. Um, but what ends up happening is that there's this real divide and they really remain very, very solid in their cognitive state and they push back against their emotional being. And I would argue that as human beings, we are emotional creatures, right? When a baby is born, a baby feels it. Way before it can think like it responds to its emotions more than it can respond to any sort of rational or logical thought. And it's only the adult side of us that really develops these cognitive processes. But ultimately, what happens is that when you're in a relationship, a relationship cannot be fully logical. It can't, it can't be fully rational because guess what? Human beings aren't. Fully rational. We're not fully logical. And if you are in that state and you're wanting to be in that state, you're almost trying to curate a relationship that's a bit robotic and you're kind of expecting that and demanding that from your partner is met as well to be a bit robotic. And that can't be A foundation for, for any kind of relationship. No, and I think people, but what I see with a lot of my clients is they are so focused on, on performance. So being, you know, I think it's very good to do performance analysis and to be structured in that approach and think, okay, out of all the things that will make me a champion of what I'm looking to do. What is that for me? What are the core skills that a champion has, you know, business or life, whatever, or athletes. And you might come up with your eight areas that you need to be doing fitness, mental game, um, time off, diet, nutrition, sleep, you might work all those things out. And that can be quite a logical process in identifying problem areas and where to work towards. But relationships, as you say, um, relationships aren't a structural problem to be solved. You know, they're not, they're meant to be experienced and enjoyed. The thing about relationships is it's all about the shared experience together. So, you know, one of the fundamental parts of relationships is shared joy and pleasure. And you can't do that if you're not emotionally available. And if you're really distracted, if you're focused on the goal of the relationship or goal of life, it's really hard to then just be really present with your partner. And so one of the really key skills that everyone needs to learn, but particularly if you're a high achiever, getting out of your own way. is how can you make time to really be present? And then how can you have the skills to then really be present when the time is there? So I really want to pick up on something that I think is a small nuance that people might not necessarily be able to differentiate, but I think it's crucial that we understand the difference. And you mentioned about a goal in a relationship. Right. And the thing with people who are ambitious, who are wanting to progress, who are wanting to succeed, who are wanting good things to their life, they tend to operate with goals in their mind. And so, you know, it's a, for instance, I want to achieve. This status at work, so that becomes the goal or I want to achieve this level of fitness. I want to be able to run 10 kilometers in this time. So that becomes the goal. And so a lot of people who are really ambitious and really driven, they have a lot of goals and it might be really obvious goals or it might be kind of more general goals, but they tend to have some kind of goal. And even though goals are or can be And be really great. They can be really helpful because it gives us something to work towards to strive towards the problem with goals in a relationship is that goals inherently say that there is an end point and this is where it becomes problematic because the goal says, well, when I reach. this status at work, when I reach this academic level, when I get my degree, when I get that 10k in that time period, whatever it is, but the moment that I achieve a goal, then the goal ceases, right? And so there's, there's something inherent within a goal that means that there is an end point. There's a definitive, Once I've ticked that box, I've ticked it and, and now I can move on to the next thing. But when it comes to a relationship, and if you are applying the same methodology to a relationship of there are goals in a, in a relationship, then it becomes really hard to be able to sustain a relationship and then to relationships almost feel either short-lived and you get to a point in your relationship and you are like, well, I've. Fallen in love with this person. We've been on vacation. We've maybe had a child. We've been married, whatever. And it's like, well, now, what's like, we've done all the typical goals that we should be doing in a relationship. And then so the relationship seizes or we end up going through cycles of relationships. And when I'm saying cycles, it could either be cycles with the same person. So we are forcing ourselves to to fall in love again and again and again with that same person, or we're having multiple different goals with that person, but they operate in cycles. So it's like, Oh, you know what? Our initial goals were to go on mini staycations and now it's to more luxurious destinations. And so, you know, But ultimately it's the same goal, but actually goals are meaningless when it comes to a relationship. And what I would say the key difference is actually a value in a relationship. And so the value is something very different because a value doesn't have an inherent end date. A value is something that we feel is meaningful, that we emotionally intrinsically connect to. So it's something related to our ideology, something that we really believe in or something that is truly meaningful for us. And so with a value, it doesn't have a definitive end date. So we can continue down the same path. Path because it's ever evolving. So it's kind of like if you have a compass and your value in a relationship is pointing north on the compass, you are going to keep walking north. There's no end point. Whereas a goal would say, Hey, you need to walk north for a mile, and then you're done. Whereas a value would just say, no, no, this is just, this is just your journey. Right? And so a value might be something a bit. More. So it would be something like emotional connection. It would be creativity. It would be adventure. It would be trust. It would be loyalty. So it's not that I can only be loyal and I'm going to be loyal in this event. And then there you go. That's it. My goal is done. I've ticked the box because that wouldn't that you can't sustain a relationship based on goals. I think that's one inherent trait. Okay. Issue that a lot of high achievers have, but they don't consciously or cognitively realize it because they're so used to operating with goals in mind. And so when it comes to a value system, which is actually emotionally based, and it's something that's in the heart and in the gut that that becomes. foreign territory. It's almost like, what are we even talking about here? And with the values. So I think there's the goals in mind. I think it's a really important point about goals for your relationship. I think are unhelpful in that sense. Sometimes though, they do point you towards the emotions that you want out of a desire of a goal. So quite often, the goal, if you have that in mind, going into relationship, in your relationship, might be worth asking yourself. You know, what will I feel? What emotion am I chasing with that goal? So that often points in the right direction of, um, you know, the goal might be, I don't know, to have, um, like you say, to go and explore the world together. And actually the emotions in that might be, um, might be feeling connected, it might be adventure. You might get stuck, start getting close to some of these values. So you could do this as an exercise thinking, what if I already know about myself? And how can I translate that to some of the important feelings? Because actually when we chase goals, we're actually chasing the feelings of achieving the goal, not necessarily the goal itself. It's the emotions we're chasing and the values. There's lots of exercises you could do online. You could think about what your top five to 10 values are in the world, what truly aligns to you. And then I get my clients to sit down and to draw out a dance board. You know, like a darts board, you know, like with the concentric circles, so in the middle you've got your bullseye, and then you've got outer lines, so on a darts board, on this darts board anyway, the further away from the centre, the lesser lines you are with your goal, in the middle you're really hitting your, you're right in the centre, means you're living your value truly in line with your goal. With your belief system and you, and you plot this, so you might find your top values of adventure, connection, um, innovation, um, family, uh, health, they might be important things to you, and then you think, okay, right here, right now, let's plot them on a compass on this, on this bullseye. So I know where I'm headed. And actually, if you're very honest with yourself, how much are you living your life in line with that value right now? Now you say it's important to you because it's one of your top five. You say it's important. But then how much are you being, so, honesty in your relationship? Say, that's really important to me. And so actually, you know, I could do better at that. And maybe you plot it slightly outside of where you want there to be. Now that sets an intention. It's not a goal as such. There's no end to that. But it does tell you, okay, I want to be doing more in my life to be aligned with, with togetherness. And so you go, oh great, actually, I haven't spent that much time with my spouse for a while. Actually, if I plot it, if I'm really honest with myself, it's sitting on the outside of the bullseye. I've been so focused on career and performance that I haven't had made time for them. Okay, now I can see that. It's worth now making sure I try and get some steps closer. And then you can ask yourself the questions, and What can I do to try and live my life more in line with that value? What things do I need to do? So we're not doing goals here, but the values, as you say, Sarah, they start pointing direction, compass, but they also maybe start giving some stepping stones along the way. Actually, things I could be doing, which would be a good thing. system, a good things to be doing routinely, not just a once off that helped me live this life. And so again, if you're more of a kind of practical based and more logical, which we're talking to high achievers and you might be more cognitive, these exercises can also start helping you translate some of your great skill sets of being very kind of good at. Mapping and plotting and charting into what can life look like? How am I going to do the things that are actually very important to me and my partner? I love that exercise of the bullseye, and I think it's something that we also need to be realistic with a, I'm going to put a, I'm going to suggest a caveat to it if that's okay. Um, I think we also need to be Realistic in the sense that sometimes we have a tension between values or between goals. Right? So, and I think a lot of people get tripped up over this. So, for example, I might really want to have. 10 vacations a year with my partner, but at the same time, I'm also wanting to, uh, work this amount and create this level of success. Realistically, it's not going to happen like this. You can't actually, it would be very, very hard, right? Unless if I'm working on. Vacation or something to that effect, right? Like it's going to be incredibly hard to be able to to do both things. So I think one thing that we really need to be mindful of is that sometimes we do have a tension between what it is that we're looking for and When those moments arise, we really need to truly pause and take a step back and really ground ourselves with what is actually meaningful. Like what is truly, truly meaningful. And I've been talking to a lot of people about this recently, and it's interesting because, you know, I've, I've worked with people who are incredibly successful. They've got all the, anything that they could ask for on a financial status. multi millionaires really successful in terms of their business and like, great, good on you. Um, but the thing is the thing that they always come back to me with is actually don't care about that. Like I thought that that was the thing that was going to make me happy. I thought that that was going to be the thing that would help me and my partner, me and my wife to stay together, that we can be able to spend more time together because I've been built this thing that would be able to carry us through and all the rest of it. And, and, you know, they've got this story, they've got this narrative in their mind that, you know, the harder that I work right now, which is their past, let's say decade, two decades. And then they get to this point and they're like, Wow. What was that for? Actually at this stage right now, I'm looking at a stranger. I don't even know my partner anymore and I don't even know who I am anymore either because like we've been so disconnected all of this time and I've been so, so driven and sure I've created financial success in the hope that it would be good for me, for my family, that it would make us happy because that's what all the stories tell us. But I actually don't know what it was all for because That that's not what life looks like right now. And so, you know, anytime I talk to these people and anytime I ask them what is actually meaningful for you, they would always, always hand down, say, their relationship, that connection, the quality of their relationship. And actually that's the thing that they're really grieving for because they've spent so much time in their head, in their logical, rational, emotional, Problem solving state of okay. Yeah, but like, if I just work this amount, if I just save this amount of money, then I can spend this amount of time with my partner and, you know, all the rest of it. But all of that comes from the logical space as opposed to the actual connection, the actual emotional stuff that really holds a relationship together. Gottman University, Uh, you know, John Gottman, I would argue, biggest researcher in the world, particularly when it comes to the domain of relationships, what they found is that emotional and mental connection accounts for 80, that's 80 percent of the variance of whether or not you're going to stay together with your spouse. Which is a huge thing because it's huge. That's a huge number, right? When you think about it right there, that emotional and mental connection accounts for basically the bulk of whether or not you're going to last. Emotional connection doesn't have to be a huge laborious thing, but emotional connection or mental connection is picking up on cues of your partner. So let's say They come back home. They've had a rough day or, you know, they come back home. You don't know what their day's been like. And they sit down and they just say a sigh and they're like, Oh, just exhausted. And so it's, it's up to you then to pick up that cue of what's going on. Tell me about your day. Like you're looking exhausted. Let's let's chat about it. And, and even in that moment, and it might be a small thing, but even in that moment, you're seeing your partner, but also they feel seen and, and. That process in itself, it's a bilateral process, and it does require both the ability to pick up on cues, but also the ability to be vulnerable and to open up your door to expose yourself to your partner and having that safe contained environment. So it does. So it does require a few other things as well. But, you know, one of the biggest things is Just picking up on cues that actually might be pretty simple. But these are the things that are going to sustain your relationship. These are the things that are truly going to carry you forward. And if you're okay, so, well, loads to unpack in that, because just faltering wisdom, Sarah, because I think that kind of, I think that's hard for a lot of people. Actually, I think there's, you know, being really present is important to be able to emotionally pick up on your, on your partner. Yeah. Because you might be coming in, they might be coming in with their own stuff and you might be physically present, but your mind might still be racing away with things you gotta do for work problems and challenges of your own. So it takes intentionality to be like, to be carving out time and space. So when your partner, particularly when your partner greets you, that's a really important moment in the day when you see each other for the first time of reconnection to be ready and available, then that, that's my time. I can reconnect with them. And so I'd be very practical about this. You know, if you say actually you come, you come back from work and you still have 20 more minutes of tasks to do before you can clear your head, clear your tasks, spend 20 minutes before you get home, finishing them. So that when you get home or when you have that reconnection, you allow yourself to actually be present. Because I think we've all had that experience where we want to connect with our partner and one of us isn't there. And that can feel really hard and misaligned. So it's so dismissive. It lands in a way that's really dismissive. And, you know, people talk about, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm just gonna have a minor rant here, but, um, you know, people often talk about communication and communication styles and these are the good things for you to say. And these are the type of questions, and it's almost like a script that we're being given. And, you know, this is something that's been batted about a lot on social media and Sure. Communication is, yeah, sure, communication is important, but I guarantee you it's not about communication. I absolutely guarantee it's not about the words that you say. Because actually, when we even think about communication, 93 percent of communication is the unspoken, is actually the emotional vibe that you get with that person. And so it's the stuff that's not being said. It's the stuff that's between the lines. It's actually the look that they give, give you. It's actually how it is that you feel around that person. That is, that is the bulk of communication. So, you know, when people are there saying like, Oh yeah, well, you know, you need to communicate better and da da da. Like, Sure, I'm not dismissing communication. Um, communication is important, but I guarantee you that that's not actually the problem that you're facing. And so, sorry, and just to your point, what you were saying there about, um, actually, if your mind is busy elsewhere and, you know, spending time dedicating yourself to just clearing out that other stuff. Okay. I'd say that's, that's so important. And, and it's also important that we recognize what is actually priority to our value in that moment still. Because the truth is, is that the task list of work or of home life or, you know, what I need to do, how I need to improve myself. That list is never going to end. It's almost like, okay, well, I crossed 20 things off. Hey, guess what? I've got another a hundred things. I've just piled on. It never ends. Right. Even when we're talking about things like housework and you've done the house, you've cleaned top to bottom, you've done everything and then everything, it just gets added on. Right. So, so I'd say it's not even necessarily about just clearing that stuff. So you've got space. I would actually say it's about how much time. Effort, you're willing to commit for this to be a priority. And so it's really about commitment and the efforts within that commitment. Because, you know, it's all well and good to say, Oh, yeah, I'm committed to my partner, but actually your actions will show how committed you are and your actions are really a reflection of your effort. Within that relationship and how much it's a priority to you in that moment. And so it's, it's really about how important it is to you. How much of a priority is it to you? And are you willing to commit your energy and your effort to do those things? You might not match your partner in terms of their emotional intelligence. And, you know, usually we have couples or I see couples where one person is far ahead in terms of, How emotionally intelligent they are in terms of their emotional vocabulary, their ability to process certain things. One person tends to be more ahead than their partner, and that's okay because it's their background, their experience. But I suppose it's still to do with how much effort you're both willing to pour into each other because, you know, one person who's slightly further back might say, you know what, I really don't understand this. I'll be honest, I don't really know what it is that you're going through. And that's okay, because there's transparency, there's, there's, that's communication, right, because there's actual seeing of each other there. Um, but it's also saying, like, I don't really know what's going on here. Can, can you help me understand, or can I just get on board with this? I really want to share this vision and this perception that you're seeing. What I hear you talking about is, um, the power of showing up. And, and that's just so powerful where even if you don't have the words, even if you don't know what to say, even if you think, um, I just don't know what I'm doing here, but you're willing. So there's a willingness, there's a commitment, and there's a power in showing up. And so this is for relationships with yourself, actually showing up for yourself. Like, what am I going to make sure I do to be a good partner and a good human being. What am I going to commit to do for my partner? And if you've got kids, your kids too. They um, kind of share a little tidbit, Sarah, of research. They did um, they did, when they looked at this idea of, there's this word called attunement. Which is a funny word, which basically means being in tune with someone else, right? So kind of being in sync. And when they put kind of brain scans on people, their EEG monitors, they found that when people felt really connected, like we're talking about, they really felt like, ah, this is a moment where we've got each other. Their brain scans showed a pattern very similar to being in a meditative state. So, like, their brainwaves, the areas of the brain that are being lit up are about calm, connection, soothe. So our brains literally soothe each other, like the experience of feeling meditation and grounded, because we're connected to ourselves and each other when we're doing this process of showing up. Right? Yeah. That's what we're doing. That's what we're doing. That's what we're doing. Absolutely. And, and I know the research that you're talking about. I'm really familiar with that. And it kind of links into anyone who's listening into this. It links into the field of emotional energetics. So with regards to our emotions, they operate on a scale of. Vibrational frequency, right? And we can even measure this on an anatomical level. And so if you imagine a scale, um, that the highest point of the scale. So the moment that the atoms that are inside ourselves that make up who we are and influence our DNA and genetic coding and kind of which genes are actually being activated or not, the highest top is when we're experiencing the emotions of authenticity. And connection and just below that is also love. I would kind of categorize the 3 being the top because they're really the most powerful emotions, but it's authenticity, connection and love. And that's actually when we're vibrating at the highest frequency. And for any of you guys listening who might be into the. Realm of manifesting this is this is kind of where you need to be at, because this is truly where you're starting to attract that loving relationship that you're wanting, because you've got that inside of you. And so you're able to resonate on that level. But then at the very bottom of that I think are, are the emotions of fear and shame. And so fear and shame really keep us trapped in this really low, energetic vibrational frequency. And so what happens in that moment is that where. a lot more lethargic kind of physically but but also we are really struggling to actually open up we're really struggling to be ourselves and we're operating to escape because we're trying to escape fear we're trying to escape shame and so what happens is that we're basically on this hamster wheel trying to run away from shame and Fear, but we never actually get anywhere. We never actually move towards the values. You know, the compass that I was originally talking about. We never actually get to move north because we're so frightened of what might be behind us. So we just kind of leap around in a circle. And that becomes really challenging because if you're in that state and you're in a relationship where there's a lot of shame and fear, which is so common. Particularly in people who are high achievers, um, or just even people who've experienced trauma, is that you are very much hindered. You really struggle to actually step into a place where you can embrace who you are, that you feel safe enough that your partner can also embrace who you are. It's really hard to have that Open door communication. It's really hard to even open a window, right? Because actually everything is shots. There might be more secrecy. There might be difficulties in terms of trusting the other person. There might be a lot more doubts and kind of questions. How does they even feel about me? And that's when we when we start to get really attracted to external metrics to fix the relationship. So we kind of say, you know what? I need to Can't look at myself. There's something flawed here. There's something fearful here. Like, this is no territory, right? Put on a wall. And then, so we say, oh, but do you know what? If I just book a really nice holiday, that'll, that'll just make things better. Right? And so that's when we move into the goals that kind of reinforces that narrative of, oh, do you know what? We just need to spend more time together. And, and, and you know what? Like, I'm not saying anything wrong about it. Sure. You need to spend time together. Absolutely. Um, but if the, if the motivating factor of spending time together is on holiday, because actually you're so scared of connecting in the real world, guess what? When you're on holiday, you don't pack yourself in your case, you actually yourself at home and you've packed a brand new. That's a brand new whoever in your suitcase to go on holiday with this partner. And, and so that, and so that's a different persona. So like, and so it just maintains disconnect, but it provides you with this false sense of connection. Wow. Wow. So, so when you go on holiday, if you're going to be holiday, we're going to be intentional about it and you're going to bring yourself And all parts of yourself, including the parts where you can say you're having bad days, you're feeling worried. You know, and to be real with your partner, to go on holiday and say, this is great. And I've missed this, or I'm worried. We're not going to have enough of this when we go home, or how do we make sure some of what we've had here carries on at home? Do we need to go to Italy? To experience romance, you know, and, or actually, or actually, how is it that we can, how is it that we can see each other? Like, how is it that we can truly see each other? And that's when the conversation starts to happen in terms of opening that door. Um, and, and, and, like I said, it's a, it's a two way process, right? Because you're having to open your door, but they're having to open that door as well. And when you're opening doors, There's risk involved that you're having to take having to kind of be okay with a bit of vulnerability and and test how safe it is. So there is a lot of testing. There is a lot of reviewing. There's this kind of a staged process that you take with that. But that's something that's really important, right? Because because the vision isn't just. The vision just, you know, it's not just that one bit, but it's actually, who is it that I can be most authentic with? How is it that I can be most authentic and actually how is it that I can feel safe being authentic? And you, that kind of leads into another conversation, um, that we don't have time for here, but it would lead into another conversation of actually how is it that I've built myself or how is it that I've resolved my own feelings of. Shame or fear, because these are things that are very heavy and they will physically weigh you down, mentally weigh you down, like it is, it is really hard, whereas actually when you're stepping into a space where it's, I suppose, more of a feminine energy, where it's more creative, where it's more loving, where it's more considerate, that's really where growth comes in. Can I share a little metaphor with everyone then, just to kind of sum this up? Yeah, as a closing statement. I love it. Metaphors abound in this world for me. Um, so one thing I often talk about is, um, particularly with high achieving people is like, is to look at yourself and think about when you go to work, you go to performance, you go to, you know, go to sporting, What armor do you put on? So there needs to be some armor that you put on, right? So you want to go to battle and so you've got to have your shields up. You're probably going to have some weapons on you. You're probably going to have layers of armor. And these become over time, unless we're knowledgeable and self aware, these kind of layers of armor, we forget to take them off. So you go into battle and you live life protected from the hardships of going for a big pitch, and if I get bad feedback, it's all right, I've got my armor, I know I'm great. You know, going to a sporting competition, whatever happens, I'm going to feel strong and capable. But the thing about wearing armor, if you think about ourselves back in the kind of old, cladded armor going into battle, you know, you can't pierce your hearts in the armor to hurt you, but you literally can't touch your heart. So you don't allow your partner to touch the vulnerable parts of your armor. And the vulnerability is where the connection is. So I encourage people to kind of be very self aware, to start learning about themselves. What do they use? What are their defenses, their strategies? What are the things they do to make themselves feel strong? And then, let's be real about this. What do you, what's the brave task of which bits do you need to take off? And what's the risks? Okay, let's talk about those scary bits about taking it off. And where's the reward when you do take it off? Um, and that shedding of the armor is the only way you will have this connection with your partner or the people you love, but it's a vulnerable task. That's what you're saying, Sarah. It's a very scary thing to do. It, it truly is. And we're all looking for security and safety. And often people who have not resolved their own insecurities or self-doubts, they tend to look for that safety and security in their partner. And it's quite a, it's quite a common response, right? But what often happens is that, that we put our faith in somebody else who. May or may not be available, and it would be unreasonable for us to consider or to hope that our partner is going to be 100 percent 24 seven every single day of our lives available for us, right? It's even in the healthiest relationships. That's just not going to happen. And so the security really needs to come from within us. And the more secure that we are within ourselves, the more grounded we are in ourselves. The easier it is for us to open that door to take that bit of armor off to allow our partner to touch our hearts and vice versa. But it truly has to begin with the self, If you liked this show, please do me three solids first, share it with a friend because if he found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will DT second subscribe so that you never get to miss an episode and third, please rate the show to help other people find life changing content. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, have a healthy and fulfilling relationships. So please help me in my mission.