Victimhood serves a function, responsibility is hard, and marrying yourself Ft Neeta Bhushan

Welcome back, friends! I'm thrilled to be joined by Neeta Bhushan, author of "That Sucked, Now What?" and co-founder of the Higher Self Institute. Today, we're diving into trauma bonding and how to cultivate healthier relationships, even amidst pain.

Neeta shares her journey, starting from a trauma-bonded relationship characterized by love bombing and codependency, leading to a dark point where she feared for her life. Despite success in her career, she faced internal struggles from early losses and abandonment wounds.

Leaving her toxic marriage marked a turning point, where she embraced vulnerability and sought help, beginning a seven-year journey of self-healing. She emphasizes the importance of making peace with the past and being radically honest about one's emotional awareness.

Neeta reflects on her pattern of seeking validation externally, a common trait among high achievers, and how it led to attracting toxic partners. She highlights the need to shift focus inward, finding self-love and validation rather than seeking it from others.

Drawing from her experiences, Neeta empowers others to break the cycle of trauma bonding by prioritizing self-awareness and emotional capacity. She stresses the importance of healing oneself before seeking validation in relationships, advocating for radical self-honesty and introspection.

Both Neeta and Dr. Sarah share their experiences with unhealthy relationships, emphasizing the journey of self-discovery and healing. They underscore the significance of facing oneself in the mirror and addressing internal wounds rather than seeking healing through external relationships.

Neeta Bushan's book: "That Sucked, Now What?" Available on all good book suppliers.

Instagram handle @neetabhushan

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. So welcome back, my friends. And I can't even tell you just how ecstatic I am to be joined by Nita Bhushan. She is absolutely incredible. She is the author of the best selling book, That sucked, now what? And she is the co founder of the Higher Self Institute. And thank you so, so much for joining me, because we're going to be talking about issues around trauma bonding, and how do you actually get to the state of having the best, healthiest relationship that You can't possibly imagine having when you are in that pain. So we're going to go through the whole journey if that's okay. Yeah, let's do it. Let's dive in. I'm glad we're talking about this and thank you so much for having me. Oh, my absolute pleasure. So for people who are listening who don't really know very much about you, introduce yourself. It would be helpful to have a little bit of a background. Yeah, so I've had many, many moons and many, many, I feel like, lives, uh, and, uh, I think that, you know, to start this conversation off, I started out in a very trauma bonded relationship. Um, And I mean, it had all, you know, the seven stages from the love bombing to the, uh, the codependency and, you know, the, it was all, um, you know, uh, lots of, lots of the bigness and the shininess. And, um, then things got really dark, uh, and dark where. There was a point where I had to really, uh, you know, leave that scenario because I was afraid for my life. And I would say this was also in my late twenties. And in my twenties, I had gone through a series of ups and downs like everyone does. And I knew that when I got into this particular relationship and my My pattern in relationship was really attracting these overlapped relationships where I would be with somebody, someone else would come along. I guess the people pleaser in me didn't know how to say no at the time. And so I would, one would fizzle, but then another one would almost immediately start. Right. And. So this was a big pattern in my 20s, and it wasn't until I got to, you know, the final days of this relationship where I got married, we had a fairy tale wedding, uh, I come from a background, Filipino Indian background, so Asian background, you have the big Indian wedding, and I then 16 months later, December 31st, 2011, I had to let people in because I was, you know, suffering, um, from a physical standpoint, mental standpoint, spiritual, emotional standpoint, uh, I was, you know, getting into that fear place. I left haphazardly in the middle of the night. And that would forever change how I would view relationships myself in the world, uh, just by saying three words. And those words were, I need help. And I need help meant. That I was no longer going to pretend that everything was okay when it wasn't, uh, because at that point in my life, I had, um, I had done quite a few things. I, you know, had a practice, I was a dental, uh, I was actually a, a cosmetic dentist and I had grown the practice very successful, very lucrative in the Midwest, in Chicago. So, um, And I was also really healing from the losses that I had endured as a young child. So losing my mom, my dad, and my brother, uh, before I was 19 years old, I was 18. And I was also, you know, Taking care of a younger brother and so a lot of early responsibilities a lot of me having to grow up very fast befell on myself and so Naturally as a psychotherapist you would know you know abandonment was my core wound and I would get into these unhealthy, toxic relationships and I didn't know it at the time, but this time, this December 31st time was different because I was willing to do something I had never done before, which was not pretend that everything was okay. Not pretend that I was totally fine and I can do it, but to actually say, I'm struggling. Um, I think I am in a toxic relationship. In fact, I am. So really to admit and accept where I was at in life and to really break down and crumble. And so that would be the beginning of the next seven year journey for myself, almost like a rebirth and a death in many ways of, you know, Coming back home to myself, and this was very foreign for somebody grew up, you know, who grew up Asian from the U. S. Um, you know, elders and listening to elders and your Asian parents as was always a thing. Um, and for the first time, I devoted myself into healing and all kinds of healing modalities, um, from talk therapy to EMDR to tapping to, um, ancient. Traditions that I grew up in that I used to reject as a teen and a young adult seeing my dad go to meditations and ashrams and visiting, you know, sacred places around the world to really tap more into my own spirituality and really build this. New found self love and self appreciation, because for majority of my life, it was always externally focused. It was always focused on the accolades, the achievements, and maybe because to really Distract me from all of that pain, all of the hardship, all of the grief and the loss that I had gone through. And of course it, it contributed to my outward success. Um, but this time it was meant to really focus me healing the deepest parts of ourselves, which is our relationship with ourself. Because I never wanted to be alone in the, in my twenties. I never even thought I could be alone. Um, But this was the beginning of. Something that has led me to leave my successful practice as a dentist, jump into the world of emotional resilience and being the expert of connection, writing for books, uh, having an institute that helps people step into the highest versions of themselves. And have a top rated podcast, you know, that really talks about mental health and emotional health and relationships. So I'm so glad that we're, we're sharing this today. Thank you so much. And your journey is something that I feel is so powerful for other people to hear because often when people are in that stage of a trauma bond or an unhealthy relationship, however that looks, it's almost like it's unfathomable for them to have a healthy version where they feel secure and they feel stable and walking on eggshells becomes the norm. And something that I wanted to unpick there really was this issue around the personality traits that you have. And there's something about you that is so driven and so uh, focused and so achievement based. And something that I often find is that people who are very driven also tend to have, you know, Unhealthy relationships and it's, it's kind of a two way street, but a lot of the time it's because there's this, there's this part of themselves, a subconscious part where they're constantly looking for validation and that constant desire for validation goes. Towards their career, but it also goes towards relationships. And ultimately, if we're looking for validation in relationships, we're going to be attracting the ones where we don't get validation. And so it's a never ending cycle and it's a never ending journey. And I suppose I was quite curious with your experiences and perhaps other people that you've seen, uh, friends, what have you witnessed? Oh, wow. So it's interesting, you know, now that I've devoted this part of my career into, um, you know, relationships and, and really healing, healing from those relationships and really having a close sovereignty within yourself, really finding that inner freedom within yourself. I think that for so many years. really finding out why and what my patterns were in relationship. You're absolutely right. I mean, definitely knew how to attract them. And I think that, you know, having an upbringing early on where You know, um, I wasn't allowed to date, you know, as a Asian girl, you weren't, you're not allowed to date and definitely not allowed to date, especially when your mom is dying, especially when you have a trauma of your brother, you know, collapsing, uh, Almost immediately a year after your mom dies, while you're between 15 and 16 years old in high school, uh, the most formative years of your life. And then having your world just turned upside down and inside out, because automatically you are now having to support your dad who has gone through this unexcruciating, unexplainable loss. And you now have to work three jobs to support. Your family because he goes into a deep depression and then finding out almost two years later that he has a stage four Tumor in his lungs and you're about to go through the exact same thing all over again And so I think for me it was also a survival technique it was also The relationships that I had really You know, in many ways saved me, um, call it, you know, whatever it was at the time, these overlapped relationships, you know, they did save me. Now looking back, they saved me from myself. Maybe it was just too painful for me to go and walk that walk while everything was so uncertain. https: otter. ai And then, you know, kind of fast forward. Yeah. I mean, the relationships that I had, I remembered, you know, I feel bad for my college boyfriends, you know, whoever they are and wherever they are. Uh, I salute you. Um, because I was very insecure. I was very jealous back then. I was also, you know, wanting maybe Prince Charming to kind of save me from all of this internal ruckus, right? And so now fast forward when I see women, young girls, because I also had a nonprofit, um, which I started after I left my job. You know, toxic, abusive, um, first marriage, it was called independent awakening. And the reason why I went into that work was because I was, I, I found the healing. I found this internal confidence in myself. And I said, I really want to help young women because we are taught to make others Happy. And this is in our, you know, Asian, maybe, uh, people pleasing upbringing. For the most part, I want to be able to have these young girls have the confidence within themselves right away and own their self worth. So, that was kind of a big path that really led me to speaking on stages, attracting a lot of women, young women, uh, professional women, go getting women. And you're absolutely right, Dr. Sarah, they all had the same thing. The more that they were focused on the accolades, the achievements, um, you know, the straight A's, the let me check everything off the box. Many times they were single, many times they would attract. terrible partners. Many times they were just looking for love because they never got it from, you know, the, the parent, the caregiver, the dad. And so they looked through it in the most random places. And when it came to love, it was the complete opposite. It's like they, they weren't doing the work on themselves. Or again, kind of like my thought in my early twenties, shout out to those high school boyfriends. I wanted Prince Charming to save. Right. And so these women also were waiting for this person and, and the thing that, and it was one of my earliest programs, which led me to write my very first book. Emotional grit, but it's to find the ability to have that, um, you know, the, the love within yourself. I mean, I was just so focused on this movement. I even created this, I love my selfie movement, uh, to really focus on young women, finding that ownership in yourself, that you don't need this external validation, that it all comes from you first. And that led, you know, to even what I see today, even in certain friendships, when I see trauma bonds happening, you know, it's, it's, it's, Um, it's so easy because we all at the end of the day, you know, as a coach, my job is to make you feel seen, feel heard, feel accepted, right? We all want these things as humans, but we have to be able to give it to ourselves first. And if we're primed in a society that you're not going to get love until you get the straight A's, you're not going to get validated unless you bring me the trophy. You're not going to get noticed until you're performing, um, on stage and you do really well. I'm not going to notice you. And so then we try and we try and retry. Of course it makes sense where the first person that comes at your doorstep with flowers and chocolate and a big sign that says, Oh my gosh, you're the best person for me. I love you. AKA love bombing, um, you are prey to anybody that has like these sociopathic tendencies, narcissistic tendencies, um, and, and this, this kind of idea of, you know, where the trauma bonds begin and then you get into these toxic cycles where you cannot get out. There are so many things that you've mentioned there that I really want to unpick, and one of the things that you spoke about is about the vulnerabilities that you've experienced, the many losses that you've experienced, and the traumas that you've historically experienced, and how that led you down this path of having some really difficult relationships during your college years, but then also the trauma bonded marriage as well. And there's something quite profound in that because many people have gone through traumas, whether it be big T, little t traumas. And unfortunately, a lot of people go through this process that I see often is that they either believe that they've dealt with it, but they haven't really dealt with it. They've, they've just maintained survival mode really, really well. And so they've been able to build up their defense mechanisms and work really, really hard. And, uh, and it actually ends up being, uh, that they do so well in their, uh, education and their career. And, and so they look like they're doing well on the surface, but actually the subconscious work, the, the parts of us that still pull and still attract other people or how it is that we internally talk towards ourselves, those things haven't changed really. Um, so I suppose something that I was quite thoughtful over was. How do we shift? How do we really shift people into really tapping into those emotions? Because often what I see is that people get really, really good at analyzing their emotions, and they're so in their head. And they believe that they're doing the work because they're thinking a lot about it, but all of that is head work. They're not actually in their hearts. And guess what? The subconscious lives in the body. It always lives in the body. And, you know, if you ask me, we are emotional creatures. If you, you know, a baby is born with emotions, the baby's able to feel way before it can think. And so for us to not sit with the emotions, for me, that's a bit ludicrous because we can just go around and around in a circle believing we're doing the work, but we're not really. And, and the traumas are still there somewhere, that they're living in our body somewhere, but we're just getting really good at not looking at them, but they still act out. Oh, yes. It's one of the things that I talk about in my newest book, That Sucked Now What? I devoted so many chapters and, um, and the book is kind of divided into three sections. So you have the magical moment of suck where you are experiencing some of these things, some of these traumas, some of these setbacks, some of these challenges. And then we get So it's really kind of shining light at, all right, the current situation, the current, maybe the breakup that you had or the, the things that didn't go as expected. And when are you ready to kind of dive into your own healing when you're not, um, when that victim mode, when you're ready to take ownership and something that, um, You know, uh, experts talk about as in personal responsibility, your own accountability. I think many times we, it, it is so easy to bypass. And I talk about this in part two of the book where I talk about, there is a way to build your bounce factor from bouncing back into, you know, your truest self into. A more actualized version of yourself where you are no longer attracting the same kinds of partners, where you are no longer attracting the same kinds of toxic people in your life because you are now really ultimately pouring into yourself. And what does that look like? Well, it first looks like making peace with your past. If we haven't made peace with our past, if we haven't made peace with our upbringing, if we haven't made peace with our inner child, if we haven't made peace with the people that wronged you or, you know, the, the relationship that That you had, um, you know, some people ask me, how can you ever forgive your ex husband? And I'm like, I'm so grateful for that particular relationship because without it, it would have never had me become the woman who I am today to really speak on these stages, to really speak to you, uh, Dr. Sarah, and even to shed light for so many other women, younger women, who's a younger version of myself. And also let's be honest to attract, you know, the, my co pilot because yes, there is a happy ending here. I did attract, um, my amazing co pilot partner and, um, now, you know, we have two children and so, and, and the messiness and the chaos is kind of, you know, always there to do more work on ourselves. We're never really done. And when we are. In relationship, as you know, there are other things that come up to the surface. I think, you know, now, and this is the second, um, aspect of building your bounce factor as what you were sharing, how do people begin to do the work on themselves is, you know, being able to be radically honest about your own Awareness, your own awareness to paying attention. Okay. How do I feel when I'm with this person? How do I feel after I've hung out with this particular person? Is it draining or is it energizing? Do I feel gas lit? Do I feel heard? Um, Am I bypassing some emotions because I've taken a meditation class or yoga training or am I actually knowing and honoring? Ooh, okay. This is a conversation that I feel like I want to avoid because why? I don't know. I don't like conflict. I don't want that person to be mad at me. Why? So to be able to have more of a deeper introspection in yourself, and then the biggest thing is, you know, uh, your emotional capacity to feel. And I think you're absolutely right. You know, from the very beginning, I was told, Neitha, you're strong. Neitha, you're resilient. Neitha, you got this. So I developed this, like, Warrior mentality, this warrior archetype, um, this idea that, you know, what, no matter what I can do hard things, no matter what I can. I've got this, you know, this is this I've got. And so that was literally my mantra for 15 years of the most incredible, crazy, um, you know, unimaginable losses where of course, then I get into this toxic relationship and I'm like, I can do hard things. I can fix that person. And in, and in fact, I'm like, Oh, actually the person that needs fixing is right here. Right here, me. And I want to just speak to that for a moment, if that's okay, because I've had my share of On healthy relationships, I've had two pretty significant trauma bonded relationships. One was for about nine, ten years, and then the second one was a bit more short lived, because clearly I didn't learn my lesson, right, after the first time. And I'm saying that laughing now, but, um, the reason why I'm sharing this is because I think there is something so significant about looking at yourself in the mirror. And I know what I was doing, and I believe a lot of people do this, and I'm not blaming anybody at all for doing this, but something that I was doing was healing myself with another relationship, with another relationship, with another one, right? And so I was never actually doing any healing, I was just going from one to a worse one to another worse one, right? And, and there was this, uh, there was this experience I had, and again, this might sound a bit extreme, but I remember feeling that it was this beautiful sacrifice. And I remember holding on to that. idea that this is a beautiful sacrifice. This is a beautiful sacrifice. And, and I know when I say that logically now, being completely on the other side of it, it sounds a bit bizarre, right? Because if it's a sacrifice, how is it beautiful? Um, but, but at the same time, it was almost like I was doing the right thing. by getting injured. I just justified it to myself, right? And so it's kind of laced with self gaslighting, it's laced with self delusion, and yet it was something that I was really determined to preserve and to protect. And it was almost like, you know, I see this a lot with clients, uh, And, and, you know, therapies at clients, but also clients like coach where there's almost this bandwidth with regards to how we see ourselves. And so I deserve whatever is in this bandwidth. This is my self worth. And if somebody treats me better, or if I even get told that I could be treated better, it's almost like, Oh no, I can't tolerate the idea that that's just ludicrous. Right. And so. For me to receive within that bandwidth, that felt okay, even if it was at the lower end, and even if the lower end just kept getting lower and lower and lower. And so that, for some reason, that just felt okay. And there's something there where we are self gaslighting. So we're not even being gasless at that point, right? We're actually doing it to ourselves. And we are maintaining these delusional beliefs, and we are also really resistant to looking at any of that. And often people Like the easy way out and I get it because you know path of least resistance I totally get that and so often, you know, the easy way out is oh, I'll just Move on to the next one. Yeah, the next one will be better. I've definitely learned my lesson and it's like Okay, maybe maybe but maybe not Mm hmm. And so there's there's something there That I really want to talk about and you've mentioned it a little bit with regards to self accountability, self responsibility, and this victimhood mentality. And so I really want to talk about this because this is something that I talk about a lot and I'll be honest, I get a lot of Negative feedback from people when I mention these things, um, but I still stick by it. And part of the message that I'm trying to share is, although it's not your fault, It is absolutely your responsibility and you a hundred percent owe it to yourself. And if you don't do it for yourself, you're doing yourself a disservice. And that is the essence. And the other point is that if you are a victim. somebody could have injured you, but if you remain attached to this victim role and you're forever stuck pointing the finger, you're also forever accepting being injured. And, and so you never, Look, that there's this open door on your left hand side that you can just walk out of. You're, you're literally just sitting there in the room believing that you're shackled, but actually there is an exit, but you're choosing not to exit. And, and, you know, uh, we can talk about this in more depth at some point, but there's something really attractive about remaining in a victimhood role. Of course. Because it does serve a function, it serves a purpose, and a lot of people are really resistant to this idea, and I get it because, of course, you're experiencing pain, and it's not at all to diminish any of the pain that you're experiencing, but simultaneously it's really looking at what need is it fulfilling. Mm hmm. Is it Because it's fulfilling a really good need, because it's, it feels good to be heard and seen, and, um And understood by your friends and fueling the fire and really stoking the fire of, I can't believe this person did that to you. I can't believe you're going through that. It gives you attention. Um, and, and not in a bad way. Of course, we all want to be seen, heard, and understood. And if you're not getting it in any other way, of course that victim, um, spiral is very attractive and it's good. It feels good to be there because that's your identity. You are the one that has this series of broken relationships. You're the one that keeps attracting the wrong type of person. And I can't believe I went on another date and who I'm attracting this person again. And so it's this cycle and it feels really good. But what if you actually change that story? What if you are the person that You know what I'm attracting and maybe they're not there yet, but I'm attracting this amazing, beautiful, loving, worthy person and that person is first myself and to be able to say that and what I've found You know, once we begin to, you know, to your point, Dr. Sara, once we begin to start taking ownership and boy, is that a hard pill to swallow? Ooh, that's hard because, and it's one of the reasons why I decided that I wasn't going to be the poster child for domestic violence discussions, talks, lectures, because while yes, I was once in that. Position. Um, and it is a very scary position. I'm not trying to diminish it by any means. Once you realize that there is the other side, and it's in my, the third part of my book, it's called the. It's literally, you know, the, the framework to fly forward and there's five steps to it. There's, first of all, then there's the ignition and the ignition is going to light fire under your belly. Are you going to stay or are you going to go? Are you going to honor yourself and your worth here? But I just don't know. Maybe he's going to change. She's going to change. They're going to change. I don't know. Or are you going to just continue in that same pattern? Or are you going to take personal responsibility and say, this is not safe for me. I will no longer tolerate somebody treating me this way and I need help. Those are the words, um, in whatever way, fashion it looks like, but that's the ignition. Then we get into rising and in the rising stage, you're wobbly. You are. You probably aren't confident. You may be in that victim spiral. You may be going back and forth in the victim because you've survived through something and you are a survivor of this toxic relationship and you get to create a new meaning. You get to attach a new meaning. That no longer is your story because you are now stepping into, you've literally stepped into the fire. You've ignited and you're you're rising from it like the phoenix you are like the phoenix Rising into this new you so yeah, you're like a you're like a newborn baby you get the chance you have this blank canvas and What are you willing to and who are you willing to surround yourself with and what? thoughts ideas Statements mantras are you keeping in your mind? you Is it the past stuff or are we consistently saying, all right, I need to own this. What service, what, what purpose did that relationship serve? What was the underbelly? What was I needing as a person? I shared in the beginning, I was needing to heal my abandonment wound. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to recreate a family I lost. So at the very least I was like, okay. Subconsciously, I'm going to pick a partner. I don't know who it's going to be, anyone that gives me attention. And I want to recreate that. And I will fight tooth and nail for it because I don't know any better, because I need to feel safe. And if I can control, even though that these, these folks are not that great right now and they're treating me like crap, I'm gonna take it because I do not want to feel safe. Abandoned. And so we do these things to avoid what the underbelly of what we really need to heal. But guess what? I was single for then the next seven years. And boy, was that the most glorious, beautiful time for me because I was dating myself. I actually married myself. At the Southern tip of Bali in the most beautiful way to honor myself. And so that was a full three 60 coming from somebody who thought she'd never be alone to then, you know, taking full responsibility of what some of those relationships, um, Did. And it's a hard question to ask yourself and you're absolutely right. You know, those things happened to you. They happened for you. And now it's your responsibility to clean up the mess, the emotional mess, the mental mess, the spiritual mess. Maybe it's the physical mess as well, but it's your responsibility to do so. And the universe is giving you these people. And really, you know, we are attracting, as we do, other mirrors of ourself. And so of course we would attract a partner that wouldn't give us any love, that wouldn't give us any, um, any, any, any notion of our own worth because we first need to experience it within ourselves and own it within ourselves. And it's only in that moment that we know what it is that we're expecting from other people, and what it is that we'll tolerate and not tolerate, and we almost use it as a litmus test, and we don't even entertain people who don't match how it is that we relate to ourselves. That goes for both positive and negative, right? So in terms of if I relate to myself in a hateful way, then I'm going to attract other people who are very critical, who are very judgmental, who are neglectful, all the rest of it. But if I talk to myself in a really compassionate way, well, guess what? I'm attracting someone who is also going to be of a similar wavelength. But, you know, something that I was quite curious about, and I think this is something that people really struggle with, is that line between how do I show myself? Acceptance and compassion, how do I forgive the past, the parts of me that I've been acting out that have been really unhealthy, that have been sabotaging, but then also how do I actually move forward. Because I think sometimes people get really confused in that moving forward means that we have to be really hard on ourselves and we have to, you know, and it almost feeds that critical voice, the voice that you're so familiar with. And there's, there's, I think there's this really fine line when we're talking about compassion, because there's compassion where It's kind of idiot compassion, right? And idiot compassion would be, oh my God, I can't believe that X, Y, and Z happened and he did A, B, and C. Whereas wise compassion is the part of us that's saying, okay, this happened. It was painful. And how am I going to radically accept this and live the best life I possibly can do with the existence of this thing having happened? Yeah, it's, I mean, it's a process. And I think that, you know, one of the things that I have written in the book, the, the book is really also a self study guide because at the end of each chapter you have these reflection questions. And I think it's a lot of the things that I wish I had when I was going through some of the darkest days of my life, especially healing from depression. These relationships to find my own true north. And so I think for whoever is listening to this, that is in that spot, I think you're really going to have value, um, from just getting the book or the audio book. And I think there's something to really understanding and knowing that there are seasons, you know, I, I talk about being able to have an embodiment practice to move your grief because any. You know, like you've just shared, it lives in our body, and I didn't recognize this until I started doing somatic release work in myself. And essentially, whether it's dancing, it's one of the reasons why we hold a lot of tension. If you've ever taken a yoke class, Uh, in our hips because our hips don't lie, they actually hold a lot of our emotions. Um, it's also one of the reasons why shaking, you know, undulating your hips can release a lot of trauma. Twerking can as well. Um, but any sort of bodily movement, um, Can really help in moving the energy that sometimes stuck in our bodies. It's one of the reasons why EFT tapping is fabulous, but to be able to, you know, somebody always asks, well, Nita, how do I do that? I, I, I don't, I don't know where to even start. Well, you know, for me, I started a lot of this work heavily when I became, um, You know, pregnant with my first child and really started that entry point into motherhood. I had done a lot of the work prior to and, you know, somatic of body work was still kind of coming up. And I think that, you know, giving a place for grief. To exit the body, whether it's through tears, uh, because it's just releasing cortisol. And a lot of times, you know, we hold ourselves back. Society has taught us to hold ourselves back, but what if you could just let it go? Because maybe that's an emotion that's trickling up. And if you are getting triggered by an emotion, if it's still causing you an emotional trigger, it means that there's work that still needs to be excavated. Because there's so many places in us that needs to be kind of unraveled, but to give yourself space. And I always say, set a timer for 10 minutes every day and allow yourself a place to move. It's three songs, three, each, each song is about three or three and a half minutes. Play a playlist. You can start raging. Throwing things on the floor and the rage sometimes turns into crying. And you're like, wait, you want me to throw my arms in the air and throw pillows at the floor? Yeah. Sometimes you'll release a big belly laugh because you'll think it's so silly and so dumb. Um, the energy is, is moving and there's a reason for that. It's one of the reasons why. It changes our state. If you've ever done this, this, if you, you know, you could be with nieces, nephews, small children, um, they'll start to look at you and say, Oh my gosh, we're having a party where we get to throw things, you know, across the room. And that's the biggest, I call it a rage practice because. You can allow yourself to move through emotions, but to really give yourself time to grieve and whether your, uh, transmission is writing just for 10 minutes in a journal. And I used to do this every day. I would do 15 minutes, but I would grieve in the morning and I would grieve at night. And I would write in my journal and it would just be wailing, tears, crying, screaming, moaning, groaning. And I remember vividly, I was, I would be in the, uh, the parking lot of where I would work before my team would get there. And I would just be screaming at the top of my lungs and wailing and crying. And then the 15 minutes was up, my timer was done, and I would go back into the office, Get some makeup on. You know, uh, freshen up and, and that was my practice. Treat your grieving and you're sitting in your sock is what I like to call it, but sitting in your sock practice is giving reverence to the emotions that are coming up. The insecurity, the jealousy, the rage, the anger, the grief, the sorrow, the sadness. Um, they all have a place and they really should be treated as sacred because they are Take care. real guides to tell you what you need to really have to cultivate in yourself. Which is that compassion that comes in as a result? Which is the empathy for yourself that come in as a result? And I think emotions are messengers. Right? Emotions have a message for us, but often we don't spend enough time to really lean into what the message is. We assume, we push, and we just crack on, but, but we're not actually, we're not actually moving any further forward. And I think there's something quite significant there about giving yourself permission. And, and truly giving yourself permission to feel those things or to have that wailing moment to scream, to throw pillows, to do that and giving yourself permission from a space of non judgment and full acceptance. And that's something. That I think is quite hard for a lot of people to break, is actually the metacognitions that we have towards ourselves when we're trying to heal. And then yet we've still got this voice, the, the old familiar narrative that's kind of pulling us back, even when we're stepping into the new. And so it's even picking up on that, where we need to also rewrite the script. So true. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Well, I'm so incredibly grateful for you joining me today. So thank you so, so much. And I will be including your details in the show notes below. So if everybody wants to grab a copy of the book, I would highly recommend it. That's now what? Thank you so, so much, Nisa. I really do appreciate that. Thank you, Dr. Saram. My absolute pleasure. If you liked this show, please do me three solids first, share it with a friend because if he found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will DT second subscribe so that you never get to miss an episode and third, please rate the show to help other people find life changing content. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, have a healthy and fulfilling relationships. So please help me in my mission.