Can you fix a toxic relationship? Healing trauma bonding

I get asked by my clients on a daily basis: Can I fix this relationship?

Well, it depends. Mostly on whether you are willing to take action to get out of victimhood and empower yourself. If the relationship is meant to be for you - this would be welcomed with open arms. If not, it's time to say goodbye - and you'll also feel grounded in doing so given the strength and resilience which you would have developed. So, are you willing to grow and get out of victimhood? 

Here I talk about how your emotional home is supposed to be your safe space. 

However, when you're in a place of receiving criticism or you have been betrayed - you no longer feel safe. The idea of safety is far fetched - and you believe you have to work extremely hard to 'be safe again' (i.e. be good enough). 

You enter survival mode, desperately aiming to escape any form of criticism and judgement, while hoping that you may at some point be noticed and get told "you've done enough" and "you are enough".

If you BOTH REALLY want to repair a relationship after manipulation or disrespect, trust is mandatory. The hard part is building trust from the ground upwards (if anything, from sub-ground levels). BUT this can only really work if we mute defensiveness and tackle issues of shame that come up. 

Learn how to take accountability and responsibility of your own growth so you can truly dictate how you would want to direct your relationship.

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Hello, my friends. Welcome back to today's episode. We all going to be talking about, can you fix a toxic relationship? Now, this is something that I get asked by clients of mine by people on Instagram, on LinkedIn. And the short answer is yes, things can be fixed. But it does require a few different things to be met. So a few criteria let's say to be much. And so let's start off with talking about, well, what is a toxic relationship? And I'll be honest with you. I feel like the word toxic. Get spotted about so much. And it's almost like it's lost. All meaning in terms of what is genuinely toxic behaviors within a relationship was actually harmful. And really just trying to distinguish what is it? That's okay. That's not okay. And also considering your expectations within this. And I think this is poly down to this spread of misinformation on social media. And the very different expectations that we are now having F relationships is really shifted throughout time. Both good and bad changes, but the changes in the last, since I really kind of affects our definition of what is toxic. And so ultimately a toxic relationship is whereby you are experiencing. Home in the relationship as a consequence of the relationship by your partner. And so how the home looks like it could either be physical harm. So either they are depriving you of certain things that you're not allowed of certain things. Or there actually, there is a level of abuse level of neglect going on there, which obviously is not okay, but is also really helpful. There's also a level of emotional and psychological harm. So the emotional home is really with regards to things like criticism, manipulation control, having this power dynamic that you feel like you'll navigate enough. Having betrayal if they've been on faithful too, and it's really hate you. Experiencing a level of disrespect. If you have been diminished or demeaned within conversations within the relationship. If you've had a level of trust, that's been broken. All of these things can cause psychological harm and emotional home. And also just to add to the mix, it may be things like when let's say you get into a disagreement or into an argument, which is by the way, inevitable in any relationship that actually they become very defensive. And they cannot tolerate any feedback that you give'em or that they are constantly pointing the finger at you. And you are absorbing all the blame and all the responsibility that actually responsibility is not taken by both of you. That as well can be really toxic. And the way that we've really nourishes toxic relationships is through the cycle. Um, the cycle could be different for different people for different relationship types. But ultimately the cycle is when you feel like, oh, here we are again. Here we go again. Me feeling like I'm not enough Harriet. We go, again, me feeling like I'm not being understood. Here we go. Again, of me being blamed of me having to do all of this all over again. And I'm not allowed to express myself. I'm not allowed to do something. I'm not allowed to be myself. I'm not allowed to tell them how I feel or if I do any of those things, I'm going to get shut down immediately. So, so these are all really, really important things for us to consider that on the suit, all fit into the. Category of being toxic. Now, just as a side note, I just want to mention how this is different to. Social media toxic that you might see, which might also be things like they didn't buy me follows this week. Which sure that might feel disappointing, particularly if you're expecting followers. But at the same time, If your expectations are really high. And they are aware of this, then actually you might be setting yourself up for failure. I'm saying them up for failure as well, because actually the expectations are just ever-growing, You know, this week, it might be buy me flowers next week. It might be they're taking me to Paris. The week after that actually they've put away. For a week to the moldy use, whatever it might be, but if expectations become ever-growing and that becomes the expectation, that becomes a standard norm. Then we all likely to feel disappointment well, likely to end up feeling that our partner doesn't love us when they have not gone their extra level when they have not booked out an entire resort, just for us, for example, going on holiday, whatever it might be. And so with that, Some people are describing that as toxic, but I would argue that that's not actually toxic thoughts, just high expectations and feeling disappointed. Understandably so, because your expectations are high. And you're wanting certain things. Uh, but at the same time, that's not necessarily toxic. Toxic would be active harm would be actively hating you and some way or another, and not being physical, mental, psychological, or emotional. So, so, you know, these are really things to consider. No. When we'll look, uh, how do you fix a toxic relationship? Well, you don't want, the first step is to acknowledge. And for both of you to acknowledge it for both of you to acknowledge, here we go again, we're going back around in the cycle and you know, the moment that you acknowledge it. Well, then I would say. Half of the work is done. Maybe not half, but you know, that's a significant part of the work is done, right. That because actually the more aware you become of something, the more aware you become of that thing. And so the more way you've come, Hey, you know what? We're getting caught back in the cycle of not being able to communicate the more that you're able to stop that cycle and you just kind of stop in your tracks and naturally you say. Oh, okay. We've done this. We've been around here a thousand times before. I don't want to go around here again. So I'm just going to stop here. I might not know how to communicate. I might not know what the best step is, but I'm going to stop here. I'm going to take a pause here. I'm going to take a breather. I'm going to do something different here. And that in itself is key. So please don't disregard how important that is. Just even the stage of awareness, because the stage of awareness is going to make you stop in your trucks. And so it's almost like as if you're driving, right? You need both the gas and the brakes. You can't just forever rely on the gas because at some point you will need to stop and you might want to take a different direction. You might want to go a different route. Uh, this is a diversion sign. The road is closed, something will happen. And so you will absolutely need to have those breaks and you need to be aware of those breaks. And I would argue. The brakes are far more impulsive than that gas pedal, because guess what? If you continue on the gas pedal. You have a much higher risk of crushing and bedding out. Whereas if you've got the brakes. Then you've got the ability to stop in your track. Recalibrate think, consider where it is that you want to go next. And redirect that is a much healthier direction for you to be able to go in. So, first of all, both of you need to absolutely be aware that is key. And birth of you need to accept responsibility and accountability. And I'm going to put this out there as being one of the hardest steps. I would say awareness and accountability. Those are the two hardest steps. Awareness. Can sometimes be easier to get to not necessarily that it feels good, but it's easier to get to simply because we detect it. And we feel bad. And so, because we've got a lot of visceral sensations we're going in fight or flight or freeze mode, we are, uh, in our state of panic or in our state of anxiety, fear, guilt, shame, sadness, depression. I'm good because we're experiencing all of these intense emotions. It's easier for us to say, oh, okay. I'm feeling something something's not good. I felt this thing before we're a piecing the same cycle. There you go there's awareness. Right? So, so awareness is almost like an easiest step to get to. But I would say. A slightly harder step, but also incredibly crucial is accountability and responsibility. I'm going to categorize these chair. Into one big category, even though there are subtle differences, but ultimately it's this willingness to say. I have a part to play in this now. I have a lot of keyboard warriors who like to argue with me on this point. And, uh, often what people come to me and they say, when they hate hearing this comment of, Hey, by the way, you've got responsibility that you need to be accountable for. Uh, what they hate is they feel like their partner is all to blame that the fault lies with that partner. And so they're that pointing the fingers so much at that partner saying, yeah, but my partner did this, my partner criticized me and my partner helped me. My partner abuse me. The this, my partner did that. And you know what I'm saying? That they need to be responsible to. I'm not diminishing their responsibility. I'm saying both of you need to be absolutely responsible for the relationship. And so let's talk about a trauma bonded relationship, just as an example. And so often the type of people that all get is one person feels so injured. And they've experienced a lot of abuse. They've experienced trauma, they've experienced a lot. They've experienced manipulation and control and you know, they're really in a state of heads. I'm not diminishing that whatsoever. But what I would say with regards to this consideration of responsibility and accountability is what kept you there. What kept you there? Because not only do you have an accountability and responsibility to the relationship we also do to yourself. And so by remaining in a harmful toxic relationship, and then allowing things to occur, allowing things to escalate and ignoring the red flags, because guess what? I bet you, that you would have seen the red flags. You knew about the red flags. You look in retrospect and you would say, Hey, you know what? I knew the red flags, I just didn't do anything about it. I wasn't sure whether or not to trust my gut instinct. So I just catched on, I didn't say anything. Why did you do that? That is your responsibility to yourself, earn the responsibility to the relationship. Right? Because I mean, I personally can't dictate. I can't tell you if the relationship is going to survive or not. I don't know you or your personal circumstances, but. If the relationship is going to survive, if it's got a chance of surviving. Guess what you need to be able to bring up these issues. And if you brought them up and you've tried bringing them up, but then your partner is either not aware or not willing to take accountability or responsibility or have rights. Then, you know, that that relationship cannot be fixed. Right. So even from the point of, let's say you are the injured policy, old person who is the victim of the circumstances. Actually by you remaining in that victim hood mode, that in itself is problematic because then you're not necessarily taking accountability or responsibility of how to get out of it. And so your. You know, you're causing further harm to yourself by remaining. And you're also causing for the haunts of the relationship because actually the relationship would remain toxic within these toxic dynamics. Right? And that's because you have struggled to take that step. And I'm not saying taking that step is easy. I'm not saying that it's the easiest thing in the world. Absolutely not. But it is something that's obviously crucial because it'll tell you, can I live in this relationship on also, can I live with myself? Can I continue living this way? Or what is my life? Going to look like in five years, time, 10 years time when I grow old, will I be happy with the life I lived with this person being treated this way? So these are real questions that you need to ask yourself. And, you know, a lot of people that I ended up having contact with you've asked me questions like, Hey, What do I do, though? If I feel like I'm in love with this person, if they have convinced me that this is the best thing ever, that they're always apologizing to me every time that something wrong happens. I would say, you know, Well love. Unfortunately, it's not enough because love comes with actions. Love is a verb. It's not just snowmen. So that in itself is super important to consider. The other thing as well, I would consider ASI if the behavior doesn't change. Then that's also problematic. And so you need to have some kind of threshold in terms of, well short, I'm willing to forgive this, but I'm also going to monitor the relationship. I'm going to monitor the health of the relationship, how I feel in the relationship. I'm not sure if this is going to continue. And if it repeats. Then I really need to consider, well, did this person really take me seriously when I brought it up? Is that a genuine sense of remorse or actually we'll say just remorse in that moment in order to save the relationship and just to kind of keep the glue together because actually ending the relationship in itself just feels scary. And neither of us want to face that step thought possibility of what it's like to be alone. So maybe that's something to consider. But that in itself, if we're avoiding looking at those really hard questions, we're also avoiding responsibility. To ourselves and to the relationship, cause guess what? You have the responsibility to have a healthy relationship for yourself. You yourself deserve to have a healthy and nourishing relationship. You yourself deserve to feel worthy, to feel good enough. And if you're not enabling yourself, To have these conversations and to look at these really hard questions, then. It's going to fall. You're going to really struggle. And so, you know, you might not be able to do this all on your own and that's absolutely fine. You might need a trusted friend or. Somebody who's professional in this field and someone to really support you through this. So that in itself is super important, but you're going to need something. You're going to need something to do something, and you're going to need to take accountability and responsibility. So this is absolutely key. And let's say you're on the other side of the coin. Let's say you all the person who has been on faithful you've betrayed the person, your partner is trust. And. You have criticized them. You've blamed them. You've pointed the finger. You have been defensive. You've been attacking. You've been critical. Let's say you, you, with that person. Why don't actually, well, it's really important if he's consider is how do I genuinely feel about being in a relationship full stop. Right before you even get to, how do I feel about my pawn and just, how do I feel about being in a relationship full stop? And that in itself is really key because actually some people have the need to be in a relationship because it fulfills their attachment needs, or it feels I need for having attention for having admiration for having somebody that. So that they feel like they can be lovable, not so that they can love their partner. But they have their partners so that they know that they feel good enough to have a partner that other people find them. Good enough. That other people will like them, that, that acceptable. That's the reason why they enter relationships. And this is really based on attachment issues. And so. S if you're in this category, I would really highly advise you to seek out professional help. Because if you're in this rollercoaster, Of, Hey, you know, what a hyena wants to be in a relationship I'm desperate to be in relationship. If my partner threatens to leave, uh, I just tried to pull it back together and glue it together. Or I notice myself going from relationship to relationship on similar things might come up, but you know, different faces, different experiences, different contacts, whatever it might be. But if you're new to saying that your having this. Uh, to keep things together. That in itself is a toxic trait, because what will happen is that you'll take accountability. And you'll be responsible momentarily when there's a rupture in the relationship. So let's say you were unfaithful, you betrayed them, or there was some huge blow up arguments that happened. And so. You say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And you do a grand gesture to try and fix things. You try and repair things. But you try to repair it because you're wanting to keep the glue together because if the glue separates, you're really scared about your sense of self worth. And if you're good enough for somebody else to want to be with you. You're not necessarily scared about losing that person in front of you. You're more scared about what would it mean about me? If I lost this relationship and that is a huge difference. So. Seriously. Please consider getting professional help with this cause something that is really, really important. It's going to change how you are in a current relationship. Uh, any future potential relationships. But ultimately how it is that you also treat your partner and whether or not you even enter certain toxic cycles. So ask one thing. No, we really move on to this idea of how does the change happen and what needs to change for the toxic relationship dynamic to be fixed. And you know what? You can Google this. You can say each lesson, you'll find loads of things talking about, well, there needs to be open communication and there needs to be active listening. And that needs to be at some kind of reparation of anything of the past. Right. And then you'll get some generic advice saying, Hey, go to therapy. But I'll tell you what it is that we really need to repack a toxic relationship. Now. At the most basic level. You're going to need respects. Absolutely respect. And this is something that is missed so much by so many couples. I think there's a recent study that actually showed that a lot of people who enter these toxic relationships and these toxic dynamics and cycles and losing trust around about seven, 6% of the time. And don't leave saying respect around about 76% of the time, even though they don't necessarily acknowledge it as such and don't voice as such. So what does this mean? Well, actually having loss of respect or not respecting your partner would be shutting them down every time that they tried to talk or dismissing, whatever it is that they're saying, saying actually you shouldn't be feeling this way. You're feeling so stupid. And all of these things are really disrespectful, but also the signs of this person is not allowed. Right. And so at the moment that this person is not allowed, the moment that you feel like you're not allowed in a relationship, that in itself is a huge sign of disrespect. So, so this is something really to be considered. So that's one thing. And one way talking about how do you build up that respect? Well, to build up respect is really through a couple of things is really through empathizing what that other person goes through and really through mentoring what that person goes through. And it's also considering, well, you know what? This person is a human being like any other human being. And actually just for the very existence. They are inherently worthy. They're inherently valuable, infinitely, valuable, and fonts. And so for that, there has to be some level of respect. For example, I might not know the person who's walking down the street, but I would still have some basic level of respect for that particular individual. And, you know, you'll get a lot of statements where they say respect is earned. Uh, I would say this is a really point of contention and, you know, we can debate this for. For eternity, I suppose. But this idea that for the fact that you exist as a human being, that you are a living, breathing creature. That in itself, demands, respect. Now how much respect may vary. Um, and that might vary depending on the context. So for example, I might be really respected by my colleagues if I achieve a particular status or. A particular recognition or an award or something like that. So I might end up getting more spat. But at the same time, I am actually early in that moment, getting respected more based on an external factor based on my achievements, or I find when I dunno a super modeling contest, which by the way, it's never going to happen. I say that is the case. If I win something like that with regards to my parents, that actually the respect that I get in that moment is not based on me as a human being of my soul, but it's based on the external factor of my parents. And so that's where the respect fluctuates. Right? And so when you're talking about respect should be earned. Well, then, you know, we're really talking about respect around behaviors. Okay. And so babies are super important in a relationship, but I would say that these are also a consequence and not just the course of, so what does this really look like in a relationship? Well, If there is a basic level of respect of knowing my partner is a human being. They're living, breathing, they're feeling they're doing that, providing their here. That infinitely valuable because they are a living being. Then that in itself has basic respect. And then I can add onto that respect. So actually the more I empathize with that person on a men's slice with them in terms of considering, okay, well, you know, they've had the SLIFE, they've been looking after the kids, they've been going to work. They've been cooking, they've been cleaning, they've been taking care of the household bills and I've been doing the chores and they've been doing this, but, you know, and in the moment that I'm really starts consider what it is like on a typical day-to-day basis for them and what it is that they provide, what it is that they input, the more I consider. That the more I can then start to shift in terms of considering, well, actually, Sure. They've got basic respect from me on a, on a basic level because the human being they're living, breathing, and they're feeling. But then actually I really respect the fact that they go to work, that they work hard at their job or that they look after the kids see, do that with passion, that they have this particular interest that this thing lights them up. And, you know, the more I really think about them and their life day to day and what that looks like, the more that I'm really able to start to appreciate certain things that are going on for them. So that's something that's super important. And again, this is a two-way street, so. The respect would have to go both ways. However, if there's a huge level of contention. So it's to say. I am a whole lot better than you and therefore you don't actually deserve my respect. And if I'm really, really holding onto this idea of respect must be urgent. Then I'm really not going to get very far with this relationship because actually this person in terms of how worthy I see them in a relationship and how worthy they see themselves in a relationship will always fluctuate. And so. We entered toxic relationship dynamics again. Now. What else do we need? We really need basic understanding. So understanding is really this idea of appreciation and acknowledgement and consideration of. The person. So when you're entering a difficult dynamic with that person, when you're entering a point of contention, when you're entering a disagreement and argument, or even if it's a situation like. Hey, John. John John, John. And you're saying your partner's name, but actually they're not responding. And it might be like the, it looks like that they're ignoring you and you're getting more and more frustrated. Actually, it might be just that they didn't hate you, or it might be that their attention span is very low or it might be the, actually the, so hyper-focused on something else that they literally did not hear you. They didn't even see you. And so. In those moments is really important for us to always step out of our own head and out of orange shoes and really consider that other person and really consider that with the person's circumstances. What is it they're going through and really share and appreciation and acknowledgement for them. Because in that moment, we can really monthlies. So I can then consider. I know what I know. And I know what I know. It's not necessarily what you know, or what you see. But I'm willing to make the effort of stepping out of myself in order to step into your realm and to really see your perception. And so, you know, it's really important to consider this, particularly when you're coming to an argument, because arguments are going to happen in any relationship. Mostly fine. It's normal, but how do you deal with that? And not, she don't deal with it through responding. You don't deal with that through just waiting your turn to talk. That's not how you deal with that. Right? It's. It really isn't, but we've almost been programmed to believe that this is what it should be. Like. You let the person talk, you stop. And then you say your bets. But then with that, we're just talking about basic turn-taking and we're literally just holding our tongue until that person stops. So we can just respond to whatever it is that they're saying. But often the risks with this is that we actually lose the focus of the topic. And we end up in this realm of talking about lots of different things that are not necessarily the focus of what it is. So let's say if we are in this issue or the situation of, I need to speak to my partner, his name is drawn hypothetically, and I'm saying John, John, John, John, John. Right. And then I might get really angry that he's not listened to me. And then I might go down a re if all you never listened to me, you're always deep in your books, or you're always looking at this. You're always doing this. And if that's the case, then I'm really losing focus of what it is that I need to talk about. And what might happen in that moment is I might say something like, Hey, you know what? I really want you to pay attention to me, just please. Would you be able to give me 10 minutes of your time? I can appreciate that you're considering your books or you're doing X, Y, and Z, or you didn't hear me. Um, and it really upsets me when you don't hear me. So can we just figure out a way that you can hear me? Can we schedule in some time? Can we do this? So, so whatever is, but it's really showing consideration for that of the person, what it is that they're going through and really mentalizing with them, but then also coming to some kind of middle ground, some kind. Um, Some kind of negotiation. I'm not saying compromise, I'm seeing negotiation because actually both of your needs all super important. And actually, how do we get that? Meeting both of your needs. So this is something that's really important. And so when we're really understanding that other person, we can really then start to consider whether ants. And that in itself will help us go a long way, particularly when we are facing an argument. So as you can see in that example, We're not necessarily getting into an argument of saying, Hey, you never listened to me, but actually we're getting to a solution point. And so that is much, much healthier. And I would say this is key. So when you're in an argument with somebody or you are in a disagreement, I go in with the intention of understanding, not the intention of responding. So I ski. And then finally held your parrot while. It's really three connection and so many couples you end up. Breaking up, who ended up getting in divorce separation, isn't she through the lack of connection. And so it's through the lack of mental connection, emotional connection and physical connection. And so there's this real distance between them and the distance has been lingering for a long time. And what they might do is that they might feel. Stuff in the gaps. So they might homie spot like plaster. On this whole, that is between them both. And so the stuff that they fill it with might be work. It might be holidays. It might be the kids. It might be family events. It might be friends. It might be activities, hobbies, whatever. But the point being is that they end up accumulating all of this junk. Uh, and they put it right. Bang in the middle between them too. And so they never actually look at each other because they're, so hyper-focused on the thing that's in between them. This is not connection. Sure. These things might be really important to you guys, and you really enjoy spending time with each Trilla doing these things. And it's really filling. It's really nourishing and you know, you're, you're personally enjoying it and it gives you a break from the arguments, hypothetically, but guess waltz. You don't pack your full selves when you're looking at the thing that's in the middle, because actually what you're focused in on is the thing in the middle. You don't even focused it on your partner at that moment. They're just kind of a collaborator on the project. Right. And you like them being a collaborator, which is a good sign by the way. But at the same time, you're not really connecting on a deep, emotional, mental fiscal level. And so. Connection is really based on this idea of holding the other person in mind. And it's really about co-regulating with that other person. So it's really about Newt singing, recognizing why your partner is. And also them noticing where your rights emotionally, mentally. Physically what's going on with you? How are you? Like, how are you feeling? And, you know, it doesn't have to be this huge elaborate thing, but it could even be something like, okay. So at the end of the day, You guys got 20 minutes together. And so in those 20 minutes you could ask, how are you. And it might seem like a bit of a bizarre question, but actually it's a simple question. And the reason why I say bizarre is because you probably spoke to each other earlier in the day that you had dinner together, that you were putting the kids to bed that you, uh, um, on a work call that you were doing whatever, but. Is that you had some level of interaction with each other? But then to stop and then to ask your partner, it's saying, how are you like really? How are you? That's something that's crucial. Or even be, um, in terms of, okay, well, They come back home from work and they say, oh, I'm really tired. And it's actually about you stopping what you're doing in that moment and saying, oh, you know what, let's talk about it. What's going on. And it might be something small. It might say like, oh, don't worry about it. It's just a meeting. And it's exhausting. But I don't actually just staying there. And just being like, well, no, tell me about it. What happened? And even having a conversation like that, even if your partner might minimize it to begin with, or you might be the one minimizing it to begin with. Actually that in itself is super important to stay with that. And you know, it only takes 20 minutes a day and, and, and that should be absolutely fine. You could go more, obviously more is better, but. Uh, but you know, I'd suggest. 20 minutes as a minimum, because a lot of people don't even do that. Um, but you know, that. That in itself is really important because in those moments, even though you might think, oh, it's nothing really to do with us. And, you know, I don't want to burden my partner with this thing or whatever it might be. But actually they see you in that moment. The hearing you in that moment and you feel seen, you feel heard. And in that moment that staying with you on your emotions, on your mentality in terms of what's going on for you. And that is key. That's where connection is born, because you're literally exposing yourself. You're exposing parts of yourself and your life to your partner who might not necessarily see that other side. Because you so busy doing other things that, you know, you don't necessarily share the minutia is, or the intricate details of your day-to-day life with them. Um, but, but those are the things that are so crucial and those are the things that enhance connection. Is there in those moment, you're literally opening the door for your partner and your partner is walking in, but guess what? It's important for you to open the door and it's important for your partner to walk in as well. And you can kind of consider how much your partner is. Lots walk in by. And how much you want to open your door, that those things are up for consideration, depending on how safe you feel. But over time as safety is built up, as trust is built up and respect them and standing all of these things built up. And she could open your door a little bit more in that those things are really crucial. And so when you're doing that, then you can really start to allow your partner to see you and they see you and you feel seen. And that is crucial. That's why connection lies. And. With that. It's really about considering how safe do I feel on my partner in terms of being vulnerable? And if there's a time when you feel like you're not safe and you're not able to fully show your vulnerability, then actually that's something that's important for you to note future. Voice. And when you're voicing it, you've voiced that about yourself is ownership of you. So I'm not sure how, okay. I feel about sharing this because I'm feeling fragile. And so in that moment, then you can kind of test the waters in terms of seeing how your partner will respond. Or it might be, they don't cheat. You need a trusted third individual support you along. So a professional to support you there into kind of navigate and. Uh, figure out a way of how it is that you can both connect. But this is crucial for supporting a fulfilling and lasting relationships. Hopefully. When you have had toxic cycle after toxic cycle. And as always, please get in touch. If anything here has made you think. Anda, please click the links in the show notes below for some free advice and free information on my website. And until next time, take care. I look forward to seeing you on the other side. If you liked this show, please do me three solids first, share it with a friend because if he found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will DT second subscribe so that you never get to miss an episode and third, please rate the show to help other people find life changing content. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, have a healthy and fulfilling relationships.