Love is not enough.

Love is simply not enough - and to believe it is deludes yourself into an unhealthy relationship.

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Hello friends. Welcome back. And in today's episode, we all going to be talking about this issue of is a relationship with saving. And am. I seem like a really dark question, but it's something that's really important for us to ask because I've had countless people asking me this. Is this relationship doomed? Can it survive or should I just under it now? And so really to be able to assess the health of the relationship is absolutely vital because then it can give us an indicator of whether or not. We should continue pouring our energy, our efforts into this relationship. And often the problem that I get with a lot of clients is that facing the situation where they've invested so much of that time, so much of that energy, so much of their life. Into a relationship. And they don't know whether or not they should carry on investing. Because they've gotten sucked into the sleep, which is actually similar to the gambler's fallacy, where they believe that the more the invests, the better the outcomes should be. So if I continue investing in this relationship, sure. Things might be difficult now, but hopefully things will improve and I just need to carry on investing. More and more. And what actually happens is that they dig themselves into a hole. They really struggle. They get to the bottom of the pit ons. They don't know how to get themselves out. They don't know whether this is an investment worth going for, or actually if they should just cut their losses and move on. Like I mentioned, this is really a conversation about how do we know if the relationship is going to, and if the expiration date is due, So there's a lot of research around this. And I'm going to talk through some of the data as well as some of the signs that you would actually see, but also, how is it? You should navigate the situation. So that is the research done by the Gottman Institute and they have conducted the longest study. In history with regards to assessing relationships. And it goes over the span of about 20 years and ultimately what they find. Is that, that are four key factors with regards to when you know, a relationship is getting to end indicators that the relationship cannot continue surviving that actually there's about an 80 to 90% chance that the relationship will end. And they've described this as the four horsemen factors and they go as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. And so I'm going to break these down a little bit. No criticism is something that happens so often, but people don't necessarily pick up on it, but you feel it, your body, your nervous system, your subconscious mind absolutely picks up on it. So with criticism, what's that look like? There's explicit criticism saying that you are not good enough. But then there's also criticism where it's a bit more subtle, but it is definitely critical. So as things like the rolling of the eyes, that sighing, when you make a request or you're asking some thing, the. Body language of almost pushing you away, or almost thought the level of dissatisfaction over what it is that you say, or you've done something you've said something you're wearing something you're cooking something. You're expressing an opinion. And that is the sense of disgust towards what it is that you're saying. And within all of this, these are rule forms of criticism. And I would argue that the unspoken criticism is more toxic than the spoken criticism. And I would argue this purely because when it's spoken. You have got physical evidence, you have got something that is tangible, that you can use as an and kids say, you just said X, Y, and Zed. This is a critical comment. I feel like I'm being criticized to. And the something that's what with that, actually, if it's more subtle and it's the rolling of the eyes, then it's harder for you to pick up on you definitely pick up on it and you can say, Hey, you just rolled your eyes at me. But at the same time, often, what you tend to get back is perhaps a bit of stonewalling where the person just ignores the comment that you've said, or they say, oh, it was about something else or not this again. And they just shut the conversation there in that. And so it becomes harder to face to deal with, to talk about, to pick up on. That's one side. And then the other side is that one is some of those sorts of level of criticism. Sometimes you don't actually know. And you may not have picked up on the queue. That is a criticism. And so you don't really notice it very much. And you might not even conceptualize it as a criticism, but actually your subconscious mind. Within the programming that you've already got it already registers it as a criticism. So I'll give you an example. I've been working with this couple for a while now and the gentleman, the husband he's been working so hard to Repat an injury between him and his wife. And one of the difficulties that came up was this issue around. Communicating timings. And as well in terms of what it is that they wanted to do together. So when they wanted to plan dates or night sale, and they had to take time away from the kids. That was a point of contention because she felt like she wasn't getting enough from him. He was trying his hardest, but at the same time, he was really busy at work and he was busy looking after his parents and he had so many other things to do that. He physically couldn't figure out the timings. Like his calendar literally did not fit the schedule that he had built for himself. All that his wife was expecting of him. And it's not say that she had high expectations of him, but simultaneously she just had expectations that he would try to maintain the marriage as best as possible. And in that moment, what happened was anytime he tried to repair the injury or to repair a rupture. So for example, that arranged a date and he had to cancel last minute. There was a lot of time when they arranged a day and they went on the date, but then he ended up having to take time out of the date for about half an hour to figure out some phone calls to do with work. He was trying, but at the same time, he wasn't really present at the same time. What happened in these moments while. Following these. And she would say to him, Hey look. I really want you to be present in this. This is really upsetting me. And he would try. So for example, you would compensate by doing things like, Hey, you know what. Let's go on holiday. I'm going to turn off my phone the entire time, or let's go out on a date. I'll leave my phone at home and he would do these gestures. But at the same time, she very much dismissed them. And she was saying, yeah, but it's too late. She see the point of how much you've hit me. And even though what she was saying was valid to a certain degree in the sense that she was valid in that she was in pain. She wanted him to hold her in mind. She wanted him to pay attention to her and the relationship and to repair it. But at the same time, anytime that he made an attempt at repairing the wrong that he's done, it was very much dismissed. It was rejected, it was diminished, it was minimized. And so he was saying, I actually. We don't know what to do here because I'm trying really hard. I know you're important to me. These other things are also important to me. How am I going to figure out? I literally can't figure out. And so it was really this idea that he was attempting to Repat, but his attempts of reparation were actually being dismissed. That is a form of criticism. And if that continues in a relationship, then my goodness, is it going to be hard for you to be able to move past these issues? Because actually, if somebody is trying really hard to repair. Damaged that they've created. Sure. You may not be able to trust them on the first instance. On second instance, you may need to see it sustain over a period of time. But the idea is that there has to be some level of forgiveness. There has to be some level of willingness. There has to be some level of receiving that attempt of reparation. Their operation might not be perfect. But if we're continuously criticizing their attempt to repair or we're diminishing wood minimizing that attempt to repair, then it becomes incredibly hard for us to be able to move forward. And that in itself is one of the key factors of when a relationship is actually going to be doomed to end whether it ends now, whether it ends 10 years, 20 years down, the line point being is that is assigned for it to end. Because every time you make an effort, every time you pour into that investment cop, which is the marital cop, the relationship cop. It just feels like it's being poured right back out by all partner. And so how many more times are you going to pour into it? It becomes really difficult. And so you're really needing your partner to be on your side when you're attempting to make these reparations. So that's just a side note, really with regards to the criticism, which I think is so important because. A lot of the time couples that I need have own reasonable and unrealistic expectations of their partner. And I think this is very much fueled by messages that you get on social media, that it can be really toxic and you're expecting your partner to be. Six foot tall, earning six figures, plus that they have amazing friends that they are amazing and bad. They are constantly available. That they're amazing, dad, that they're amazing in terms of that career, that they've got the house, the call, the business, everything. And the reality is that. It's just not really viable, particularly if you're wanting them to be all of those things that aren't to hold you front and center. Something's going to shift. Something's got to give at some point and actually it's really important for us consider the individuals how flows. Including your partner. And sometimes that hurts you. I'm not dismissing the asshole, but I'm saying that sometimes it hurts you and it's okay to acknowledge that with your partner. But it's also okay for you to recognize that it's not done with intense. If it's done within 10 knots, a separate category, and we can talk about that separately, but actually, if it was an innocent mistake, we also have to consider that it was an innocent mistake and your partner is human too. Now let's move on to contention contempt. Is one of the most difficult, most challenging experiences I've personally had. And I see my clients having day in, day out and all my goodness. Is it tough? Contempt is this idea to say, I am a whole lot better than you. I am at least one level by than you, if not 10 levels better than you. And you experienced this through some power dynamic issues within the relationship. So for example, it might come up within the issue of money in the household. So you might have one partner who earns a lot more than the other. And that in itself. Can be not troll that in itself can happen, right? Not everybody's going to earn the same amount as each other, and that's absolutely fine. You have different roles, different responsibilities, different abilities, and that's obviously fine. But what happens in that moment? If there is contention. So the person who's earning more could say I've got a pad, a job because I'm earning more. Therefore I must be more important than you. And therefore you should do all the crappy jobs that I just don't want to do. That I'm more important than of doing. And I should be placed piracy. I should be placed on a pedestal. I am on the pedestal and fight. So I'm not even asking you to place me on it because I'm already there. That is really challenging. And I know I mentioned money, but it could actually be represented by so many different things. So it could be represented by control, who makes the decisions within the household on. Even be represented by all the things that each individual person is doing, but also there's some level of general comparisons. So for example, if one person is considering themselves to be a lot more physically attractive than the other partner, Or they're considering themselves to be a lot more intelligent than their partner or a lot more well-read or that they've got better friends or they've got a better family. They've got about a network they've got about a car, they've got beds for assets, whatever it is, but ultimately they're placing themselves to be at a higher level van. That counts, Paul, then the partner. And if that's experienced. Then there's this issue of hierarchy that is continuously created. Even if it's not said explicitly, but there are implicit things that are mentioned. So things that you read between the lines. For example, it might be something like, Hey, I've got a ton of money here. I'm going to do all of these different things. So I'm going to pay for all of these different things. You can join me. Or you can come along or you're welcome. They might not be phrased quite in such a way. I know that I'm being quite blatant that, but actually it could be certain things like, Hey, you know what? I have got all of these abilities. I've got all of these great factors. I'm giving you an invitation to join me. But it's an invitation and you have the privilege of joining me in this invitation. So it's not that, Hey, let's do this together. What do you think let's put this folk vacation? Would you want to go here? Do you want to go that? And it's a collaborative decision that's made or Hey, in a war, all of this housework needs to be done. How do you want to work it out? I can do this. You can do that. With those conversations, you can see that it's a lot more collaborative, but if I've already made the decision. And I've already taken control over those things. Then that already shows that I've got some level of assumed palette and I'm just allowing my partner to just join me for the ride. So I'm always the driver and that's somewhere in the back seat and they have the privilege of staying in the back seat. And I might not even necessarily explicitly say this to my partner. Hey, I consider you. As a free ride here that you're just taking advantage of me. But it's something that's very much sensed in the dynamic. And so what happens is that the partner who feels like they all. Being looked down upon, they feel like they're not enough. So they could work out really hard and lose a ton of weight or they could. Get a new make-over. They could change their wardrobe, but if their partner feels like they are inherently better looking, it doesn't matter how much money you spend on your parents. The person who feels like they're not enough because they will forever feel like they're not enough because their partner has already assumed that they are significantly better in that aspect. Or for example, if your partner is earning a lot more money and you feel like you just don't have the means to do that, you're not in a line of work that enables that, or that's just not the path that you want to go down and that's your personal choice, or you're looking after the kids and you've got other responsibilities, right? Like those things are completely normal and these things have to be considered. But if that's the case. And your partner is forever going on about how much that inputting into the households because of that financial position. Then you'll forever feel like you're not enough because you physically can't match up. You physically can't keep up. And guess waltz chances are daggering to continue going up for levels. To increase the bandwidth and to increase the distance of that hierarchy. So you will forever feel like you're going lower and lower while they are going higher and higher. And that's because they're creating this distance. That in itself can be incredibly toxic because you can run as much as you want. You can do as much as you want to try and feel good enough, but they are very. Heavily. I'm very rigidly maintaining that power dynamic thought imbalance on that. Also maintaining control over that. And one really sneaky, very toxic sign that you might have, particularly when it comes to trauma bonded relationship is that they bind and they seal this dynamic and make it a pair to be a good thing. So let me start there trying to convince you of that side and why you should also submit to their side. For example, if they are earning a lot more money than you, then that is an issue of. Hey, you know what. Don't worry about the household bills. I'll take care of thought. Don't worry about the mortgage. I've got like cover. Don't worry about the call. I've got lot coverage you don't want and fought to all buy you a car as well. So you can drive around and do whatever you need to do during the day, pick up the kids. But see how good of a life it is I'm giving you. And it's almost like they convincing you that. What they're doing is so great. And that they're doing all of these. Offerings to you and you don't want to be on the receiving end of it. I'm not going to lie. It tells feel good. Like I've been the, I knew loads of clients of mine have been there as well. And it does feel good to be treated in that sense that you're being able to receive all of these things just for existing. You. You have to do anything for it, but here's the catch. It creates dependency. And so you end up being watched into the relationship you get hooked in and you become dependent on the relationship to survive. Because they've created a life where you cannot live without that person. They've created all of these conditions where they literally have full control and you have to submit. They make the submission look really attractive. But you're still submitting. And so you're enabling them to have all of this control. And so your indirectly fueling the contention, you're indirectly fueling this. Power imbalance in this hierarchy for you to remain at the bottom. If you to remain submissive while they take all the control. And so you become dependent because they. Have bought the house. They pay for the bills. They bought your call. They have the lease on this all. It's all in that aim. You just have the privilege of being able to use these things. And so if you're out with the relationship, you also lose all of those privileges. So how painful is that? And actually, where would you go then? So this is something really important to consider that, but it's the element of contempt. And that is basically to say, you're not good enough for me, or I am a whole lot better than you. And it's. Overall. It's a sense that you experienced day in, day out, whether it's subtle, whether it's more explicitly said, but it is that. Now defensiveness. Defensiveness so important to consider because when we'd get into an argument and inevitably every single relationship will have its arguments and that's absolutely okay. It does not mean that your relationship will end. The key is how to have a healthy arguments and healthy argument is really with this idea that I describe as mentalizing. So it's almost as though you step out of your own head. And you try to step into and besides deal the Pesa and your partner. And so it's really about making the intentional efforts of understanding your partner, as opposed to necessarily listening to what they're saying with the full aim of just responding. And this is something that a lot of people get trumped in is that they want to just wait for the pause for them to talk so that they can respond and get whatever it is off their chest. But actually it doesn't really get them very far and they just ended up fueling this argument. They maintain the argument. It becomes really toxic. They don't know how to get out of it. And it's actually, if both policies just stir. It stood up and stood out of their own head, then they can shift and they can have the full intention of understanding each other. And it's only in that moment that their argument can shift. However, if you experienced defensiveness, that's a whole other thing. So the defensiveness is to say wall, I don't even know why we're having this argument. Totally not my fault. And actually they'll end up pointing the finger at other people. And or you even, and so what happens is that. That is a very limited, if not. Minimal zero window of tolerance where they're able to look at themselves. And to accept some level of floor or some level of fallibility, some level of humility, th that window is so limited and it's so small and maybe caused by their own traumas. And actually they've got their defense mechanisms always on, and they might be more of an avoidant type. Attachment type or they might have. Had a particular difficulties growing up, particularly when it comes to emotional regulation. Even as I don't heard, they might have difficulties in that moment. And so for them to have any sign of. Feedback. In terms of what it is that they're doing or feedback in terms of how that other person is making them feel. Then. Becoming defensive. It's an automatic response. However, it becomes a very toxic and very harmful response. Because let's say we've got couple and let's say. I'm going to use a S. Heterosexual couple. But it applies for any gendered couple. Point being is let's say, for example, if the man has grown up. And he has lived in a very trauma, heavy household, and he has developed an avoidant personality type and avoidant attachment type as well. And so chances are he is going to really struggle regulating his emotions that aren't cheap emotions come up, particularly if they're around threat, if it's feels critical, if it feels fearful, if it feels anxiety provoking, he is likely to shut down completely. He might have outbursts, but he's trying his dawned this to not have an outburst. So he either shuts down completely, or he has an outburst, but typically would shut down and just avoid everything. And then you might have a female who is trying to have a conversation, she's trying to express, she's saying, Hey, you know what? I feel like we've not connected much lately. I feel like you don't understand me. I feel like I'm trying to get this point across and your. Not listening to me or she could be saying feedback Hey, you know what, when you spoke to this other person, I felt really hurt. And I felt like you were flirting with this other person. It really upset me. Actually when we're having conversations like that, and she might be really trying hard to express herself. But actually, if you're facing somebody who is avoidant. It becomes incredibly hard. And so they just have a brick wall that has been built, that they have plastered that they've concreted is solid, the swore. And so they become very defensive. And so you might say something like, Hey, I wasn't happy when you floated with this person. And they say, I wasn't flirting with this person. You're making an open your head. And so you can see how this can be really frustrating because also what it could lead to is gaslighting and it could lead to manipulation. And so you end up starting questioning your own reality. When you have experienced search defensiveness from the other person. For example, if I St you know, I didn't do this and you're saying, okay, but I'm just trying to solve this problem. Or I'm just trying to get my point across. I'm just trying to express my feeling and they say, no, you're feeling it's wrong. No, the reality or something like this. No, you're imagining all of this. Then it becomes really hard. And so you end up going one of the, one of a few ways. So one way is that you then start to take step back and you question yourself and you think. Was I really overreacting. The role, was it really innocent? Maybe I'm just mentioning things. That's my emotions. It's my hormones. I'm on my period, whatever it might be. You come up with all these things and you shut yourself down. And in that moment, you might self gaslit as well, because you're trying to convince yourself of that defensive reality or that defensive statement that they've just said. So that's one possibility. You have a possibility is that you also start to resign yourself to the relationship onto them having full control. So you're going bots of the contention issue and also you're fueling the criticism. I might look is that you say, you know what. I've tried talking about this so many times I gave up, I give up because I'm not getting anywhere with that. And so I'm just going to back down. I'm just going to stop talking about it. With that, you also learn helplessness. And, there's so much research has been done by this. Around this and it was. Many decades ago, I. Started off in the sixties while they let about helplessness and lets helplessness and it was really don't buy rots. And what they found was that if rats were put into a container. And they had a lever to poll and every time they had a lever and they pulled that lever and it gave them more time than they would drink hat. But then if they were put into a different situation and it didn't matter how many times they pulled that lever, but they just weren't getting water. Then they learnt that they were helpless to situation that the Wolf was never going to come. So even when they reintroduce the water back in that situation, the rats actually just died of dehydration. They didn't even bother trying to leave her again because they learnt that they were helpless in that moment. And it's the same within a relationship. I know it was only my right slab, but believe me, humans operate in a very similar way with regards to learn helplessness that if you'll constantly trying to have a conversation with your partner, And that becoming really defensive and there's no gap. There's no window for you to be able to talk about certain things. Feedback in terms of them upsetting you. And by the way, I'm not talking about you criticizing your partner. And then becoming defensive. I'm talking about you giving them feedback over certain things that has hit you. Or that has affected you in some way or it's feedback around how some of the mutual things might be affected. So just as an example, in terms of the differences between you criticizing your partner versus you giving feedback, It might be for example, they were flirting with somebody else or they were texting somebody else and you felt like it was disrespectful. So feedback might be. I feel really disrespected. When you do X, Y, and Z, when you have messaged that little woman, when you have messaged your friends and you shared sets and things that were personal bylaws, that would be feedback. And, it's feedback because you start off by saying, I feel so you're owning your own feelings. And that is when you know that it's feedback. So I have this feeling and it's a consequence of what it is that you did. That is feedback. However, criticism would be. You're a pig because you did this. Or even if you did this, it's still not good enough. I don't like yet. And so you're placing everything on that other person. And when you're placing everything on that other person, then naturally you're going to become defensive. This is just a psychological mechanism because in that moment, it's perceived as criticism for them. It's perceived as attack. And so they will become defensive. However, This is very different to the defensiveness that I'm referring to here that is going to potentially lead to relationship ending, which has really to do with you giving feedback. And them having that brick wall in response. So I hope that makes sense in terms of the differences. And then finally we're talking about stonewalling. Now, Sterling is basically this response of silence. So it could either be the silent treatment, or it could be the response of not wanting to talk about particular subjects of avoiding a question. And you'll just experiencing it again and again. And so in that moment, You start learning other things. So there's core factors that are occurring under the surface of the stonewalling. And so some of the core factors would be issues of contempt because you're trying to face something. They're not responding. And so you almost feel like you're not good enough for them to even pay attention to you for this issue that you're trying to bring up. That could be an issue with regards to helplessness. Because again, you're trying to bring up subjects, you're just getting silent treatment or your question is not being answered. And so you just learned that you're helpless. And so you just back off. You don't even engage in it anymore. Or it's something that leads to this issue of power and also not being allowed. We're not talking about the power dynamic of consumption, but we're talking about power dynamic. If you as a human being, you often do monthly, all out. So what this means is that if you have an issue with your partner or you have a question about something that could be super basic, super generic, just as how the household is being run. Or shad responsibilities, the kids, the bills, whatever it might be. But if you're asking a question or if you're sharing an opinion and you're putting something out that, and then you get stonewalled, Your subconscious mind, ultimately lens that you are not allowed that you as a fundamental human being are not allowed. It's not just even your question. Or your opinion or whatever it is that you're expressing that thing being not allowed, but it becomes about you as a whole individual and not becomes really toxic. And this is why we end up getting this experience of deep shame and deep guilt. So it's to talk about the differences is that shame. Is the emotion to say. I am fundamentally flawed. That is something fundamentally wrong with me. And I'm just not allowed. There is something bad with me that needs to change. That is defective. That is disliked. That is hated. That should be judged. That should be rejected. And I need to get rid of it somehow. And that is really harmful and really damaging because guess what? You live with yourself. And if you're expressing something and then you feel like you're not allowed at particularly in a relationship, in an intimate relationship, why you would hope to have understanding you'd hope to have acceptance, unconditional, acceptance, and love and all of these different things. And then when you don't get that, you stop believing that there's something fundamentally wrong with you. And not only that you also have guilt into the mix. And so then you might feel really guilty for expressing anything. And so you stop expressions, you stop expressing any of your emotions because you feel like actually, no, I'm not allowed to do that and I'm fundamentally wrong, but there's also something really wrong about me even asking for my emotions to be heard. I'm not even asking them to respond or do anything about my emotions, but even just this idea of me expressing my emotions. That in itself is wrong. Because I'm not allowed that space. I'm taking up too much space. And so then we become really embroiled between shame and guilt. So shame is I'm fundamentally flawed. Guilt is really to do with my behaviors that I'm doing something wrong. And so you end up doing less, you express yourself less you're suppressing way more, which by the way, is one of the key indicators of shorter lifespan physically has been demonstrated by a lot of studies over at Harvard and Stanford university that shows that actually emotional suppression. Has a very harmful effect on our physiology. But then also you end up really resenting yourself and then you can see how your self worth would go down. You can see that your self-esteem self-confidence, all of these things would depreciate. And so then you really lose yourself in this moment. And with that, the relationship cannot survive. Are the uterus survive or the relationship doesn't survive. Because experiencing that over and over again is exhausting. It's relentless. And actually you are being destroyed from the inside out. And so this is something really impulse it's can set up. And some of my final comments I would really like to express is this issue of love not being enough. And I know I get a lot of people who say to me that they're having all of these experiences, but they love their partner. And I can appreciate that you love your partner. But I would also ask you and please ask yourself this honestly, and truthfully, and if you need to please ask yourself this, when you are in a safe environment with somebody who is a trusted individual or a place where you feel like you can be vulnerable and truly expose yourself to yourself. Ask yourself. Am I in love with the reality of this person, or am I in love with the potential of he, this pestle can be. Because that is something that is so crucial. A lot of people end up falling in love with the potential of this idealized image of this person. That's up in the clouds. Because they've had glimpses of that person. They've had moments of that romantic, intense love that feels so visceral and feel so good. But at the same time, if that's what you're banking on and that's not your reality. You're living out. Gambler's fallacy your basically continuing to invest in this thing, hoping that the investment will combats you in leaps and bounds, but actually it may or may not come back. Investments and gambling don't work the same. It's not the same thing. And that's something really to consider. The other thing I would also say is that love is an act love is absolutely a verb. It is not announce. It's not just announce it can be an arm, but it's not just an arm. It's definitely a verb. And so you have to act lovingly. That also goes for your partner to you. They have to act with love. And so what does that mean? With love, it means to show. KA to show willingness to understand, to show. I knowledgement of you to show appreciation of each show validation of you. And so they might not get it right all the time. And that's okay. And actually. If they're able to have that window of tolerance in terms of understanding what it is that you're saying, and when you're giving them feedback, Hey, you know what, when I have this conversation with you and you are on your phone, it makes me feel like you're not listening to me. And that really hurts me if they have that ability to hear that out, as opposed to going into also defense. That is key because actually that acknowledging that they're fallible, they're acknowledging that they have flaws and they're wanting to make that attempt. Of repairing that rupture. If I injury that they've created and that in itself is a really good sign and a good indicator that the relationship can survive. Because it's all about these incremental ants that support the relationship health. All of these acts needs come from love and it needs to be labor with love. And so what I mean by that is that when you will. Laboring within the relationship. Cause guess what relationship does take work? I might not take as much work as you might think if you're killing yourself for the relationship, but it does take work. It takes work in terms of connecting with the other person. It takes work. In terms of spending time with the other person and giving them space in terms of acknowledging their needs. But also acknowledging that you may not be a hundred percent barrier as well. And having open conversations about that and a goose for both sides of the coin, by the way. And so all of these things are labor, but actually if it's done with love, Then we all onto winner. And so that's something that's super important for skin set up. And it's also important to consider that. Both people can solve problems differently. So one person might be more of a logical concrete problem solving. And then the other person just wants to be heard. They just want that emotions to be validated, but they don't actually want solutions plus totally fine. That's not going to end your relationship. But it's also about acknowledging and communicating that. So for example, it would be saying, Hey, have you got a minute? There's something that needs to talk about. And so your partner could respond with. Okay, Jean, meet me to just listen. Or do you want a concrete solution at the end of this? And actually just by asking that simple question, that in itself can shift the nature of the relationship and the nature of that conversation and where it leads to and how it is that you end up. Experiencing each other at the end of that. And so then you can go from a space of where you don't feel listened to. And then that can put you into risk of criticism, of defensiveness, of contention, all the rest of it, into a space where you can actually start to understand a bit more of each other. And you can start to get on the same page. You might not be exactly on the same page and you're never going to be on the same page all the time. As each other, by the way, that would be a very unreasonable request of a partner. And if you're experiencing lots, I would just ask you, are you in the honeymoon loaf bombing phase or is this something that's been long term? If it's been long term, please reach out to me. I would love to speak with you guys. But then, but this is something that's super important for you to can set up. And finally it's really about connection. And when I'm talking about connection, I'm talking about emotional, physical, and mental connection in these things is so key. So if we were to ask about these in a bit more depth, What is the emotional connection? It's really about emotional togetherness. So it's really about holding each other in mind. And actually being able to feel what the other person's feeling and empathizing. And with that empathy, you can also then start to consider, Hey, I can see my partner is in a hole here. I'm in the hole with them. How are we going to get ourselves out of that? And with that, there is collaboration, there is joint movement together, and you're wanting to break free out of this hole together. And this is so key. In terms of physical connection. Physical touch is so important and I'm not necessarily just talking about fiscal intimacy and having sex. Four or five, six times a week or whatever it might be. But I'm actually talking about having fiscal content. Of holding hands when you're out in public or linking arms of hugging, actually hugging for 20 seconds a day is so important. And ideally, if you were to go for the optimal hugging amounts, It would actually be to hug eight times a day, each one for 20 seconds minimum. And the reason for that is because it really supports oxytocin release and that supports the bonding experience between you and your partner that really does emphasize and really support some sense of safety. So it really fats your nervous system really regulates. And it enforces your Parson static nerve system. So you can feel safe with this individual on an emotional fiscal and mental level. So super important. And then also in terms of mental connection, woman's connection is really about mental icing with the other passengers. So it's really considering. I know. And I know it's not the same as you and that's okay. We're. Totally different people looking at the same problem or the same situation from different lenses. Let's get on the same page. I come to your page and you come to my page and we can share pages. We can shine notes. That's totally fine. Wanting to shine notes and shop pages, and I accept your notes and your pages just as they are. And so these are really important key factors for how it is that you can figure out if the relationship is not worth salvaging or actually, if there is hope for you to move forward. And if you're wanting any support with S or any further information, I highly recommend that you hit the links in the show notes below. And you'll be able to get onto my website. White, you heard got a ton of free resources and you can always contact me to find out more about working one-on-one or as a couple. And I look forward to seeing you on the other side. If you liked this show, please do me three solids first, share it with a friend because if he found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will DT second subscribe so that you never get to miss an episode and third, please rate the show to help other people find life changing content. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, have a healthy and fulfilling relationships.