Heal from Trauma Bonding to Feel Loved and Worthy

Go from feeling lost and unloved, or the experience of a trauma bond, to feeling fulfilled and loved fully ans truly.

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Talking about this topic of how do you go from feeling lost and hopeless and your just wanting love. You're just wanting the most loving relationship. Because let's face it. Relationships are absolutely crucial for our wellbeing. That is so much research out loud that shows the actually the quality of our relationship determines how long we get to live, literally because it affects our nervous system and affects our body functioning and affects our cortisol levels. But also it affects our quality of life. So why would we compromise on that? Right. Relationships are vital to who we are. And so it's really important for us to nourish ourselves in the Marist way possible. Um, something that I have been experiencing a lot from people lately, as they talk about this issue of, well, I don't know if I live with my partner anymore. I don't know if they love me anymore. I don't know if I feel it. And here is the thing that is a real difference between the noun love on the verb love. And this is something that I really want to talk about because this will absolutely get you from feeling lost, to feeling loved. A lot of people have got this. I would argue misconception that love is a feeling, just a feeling. It is a feeling. But it's not just a feeling, but actually love isn't action. It is absolutely event and it really needs to be considered a such. Because when you stop loving R E when you stop doing the love. Then you stop feeling the love and your partner stops feeling beloved as well. And that's when the relationship deteriorates. So it's so crucial that you Navis sees to do the love. And so there's this quote that I want to share with you just because I feel like it's so important and it's this quote by Eric from. So he was this German psychologist and a psychoanalyst. And, um, ultimately the court says that love requires discipline. It requires concentration. Patients faith and overcoming one's own narcissism. Side note, I'm going to get to that in a minute. It's not a feeling it's a practice and paradoxically to be able to be alone is the condition to be able to love. And I strongly believe in this quote and I think it's so useful and I would encourage anyone and everyone to really set with that quote. And so what does that mean while. I have made some notes here. So I'm really going to be looking down on my notes and talking through it. But. When we all in a relationship with some day, we naturally start to possess expectations of how the relationship will go. Um, these expectations are formed from our past, but they're also formed from how it is that we wants to cultivate the relationship. And that's absolutely fine. It's normal time expectations. But sometimes the expectations become really skewed and they become really unhealthy. And the. Expectations that we develop can be influenced by. Social media really bothered them. Um, but ultimately we have an expectation for relationship to either be absolutely phenomenal. And so me saying it's clouds in the sky, it's the best thing ever. And we feel like we're support. We're not guessing that's. And so there's this huge drop. There's a disappointment. There's a sense that we feel like we're not enough when the relationship. Is not meeting our expectations. So that's one thing. All we expect the relationship to be flat on the floor. We expect it to be. Minimal. At best. And we expect our partner to never really give us very much. And so if we're in that moment where we've got really, really low expectations and guess what we're ultimately going to be attracting something that's also really, really low, and we're going to feel low as a consequence. Our self-worth is going to diminish as consequence of that relationship. But it's really to do with our expectations. And that's really based on the history that we've lived and the relationships that we've had previously. So. When, where in the state of expectations in a relationship, what does that look like? Well, One of the things is that we expect that we will feel loved. That we expect, we will always feel love in that relationship. And if we don't feel love, if we don't feel that spark, then the relationship is not good. It's gone sour. It's not worth having. Or is actually love, like I said, is a verb. Love is an action that we have to continuously do. And we do it. Because we're wanting to test how much relationship can survive. Medusa. We test what we want in a relationship. And those two things are so important. So if we're going into a relationship with just a basic expectation that we should always feel love than whenever going to. I always have thoughts because it's unreasonable. The emotion of love is not sustainable. It doesn't always live in that way, but actually we have to continuously put into it. And it's almost like a safe, so we have to always pour into it in order for us to always feel like we always have to do the action with love. We have to do labor with love. And when I'm saying labor, I don't mean. You're killing yourself over the relationship. But what I mean is that you're doing things like. Patients like consideration that you're consistently listening to a partner that you're giving them the space of understanding, and you're showing that level of commitment, but you're doing all of that from space of love. And that's the thing that will help us move forward and cultivate a healthy relationship. So. Uh, moving on to this point of overcoming your own narcissism. And, um, uh, I get a lot of feedback and a lot of comment and a lot of criticism from a lot of people. Uh, when I start talking about narcissism and often the responses from people, and I think this is very much fueled by misinformation on social media is when they're talking about narcissism, they believe that narcissistic people are evil, that horrible, that very self-centered self-absorbed that bot the, pointing the finger at the person with narcissism. And, you know, there's, there's no level of forgiveness or in standing or consideration. And so. What I'm really talking about are narcissistic traits in guesswork. Every single person on the planet has some elements of narcissistic traits. I am. Absolutely not. Once. It's confused narcissistic traits with narcissistic personalities sorta because that would be highly unethical. And we're talking about separate things entirely. So to have narcissistic personality disorder, you would have to meet a set of criteria. And that in itself really does need clinical diagnosis and clinical treatment. But what I'm talking about is. A sense of self-centeredness right. And we all the center of our own universe and that's not a bad thing. Right. We can consider other people's needs. We can consider other people's emotions, but guess what? We all going to be the center of our own universe at one point or another. And actually by definition, that does meet some element of narcissistic traits. And that's not something for me to scare you with, um, or anything. That's such, but it's really for us to consider. That sometimes. I think about what it is that I need and what I want. And I have this expectation that my partner is going to fill these things for me. But within those expectations, then I also start to forget about the fact that I need to do the love. I need to engage in the behavior of the love. And so I only take a step back. And whether that be, if I was in a relationship where I was experienced saying a lot of arguments with my partner, if I was experiencing them being diminishing demeaning of me, if they were being controlling or abusive, any of those things. So even with that, and I, uh, I become eviction to them. I mean, that's a hard experience to have, but at the same time, if I, um, Remaining in a statewide. Um, forever pointing the finger and I rally take responsibility over myself or that I am not able to shift out of my own head and also shift that consideration of. These expectations I should have forever of the relationship that I should always feel love and that I should always be loved. And it should always look like this. If I don't step out of that consideration and start doing the love, then it's really hard for me to test. Is this relationship with while saving, is this relationship worthwhile having. And am I being fulfilled in this relationship? So there is this element of actually me. I have to step out of my own way. I have to step out of my own head. And my own sense of self-centeredness so that I can really start to consider. Testing this relationship, even if it was just the litmus test in terms of seeing what it was like, and really testing it through the action of loving the other person. And if love isn't received or it's rejected or it's dropped or it's, uh, diminished or it's attacks, or if it is, um, Sensed as if it's not good enough, then I've got evidence with regards to how much is that relationship really with salvaging, then I can really start to consider actually, what is it that I want for myself? What is it that I want in terms of relationship? And these things are really important because we don't just enter relationship in the hope that everything will be. Rainbows and sunshine and view. Unicorns and all these things, but actually we need to enter a relationship with the idea of considering that it's screening to take some level of efforts. I'm not going to kill myself over it, but it does have to take some level of effort. And I have to do the love. I have to act with love. As a purse, she just expecting it to be a natural emotion as a consequence. Just as a consequence of being in the relationship. Actually the emotion of love is the consequence of being the love of doing the love. And so it really does require the action of loving. In order to feel that emotion. If that relationship has right for you, if that relationship is worth having. So this is something really important to consider. And so when we are looking at this. It's really important for us to also take accountability and take responsibility over our actions and over what is happening in the relationship. And so what does that look like while. We all as human beings, like to believe that we know that we're not perfect and that's okay. We all like to accept some level of imperfection, we kind of cognitively know that none of us are perfect. We kind of accept that, however, on an emotional level, on a subconscious level. It doesn't quite work out the same. And actually a lot of us expect perfection from ourselves. But we also might expect perfection from the other person. And so we ended up creating this idealized Fanta sized image in our mind of what the relationship should look like. And it's almost like clouds in the sky. Right. And actually we kind of need to come back down to earth and really see what's happening. Because one we're able to combat to reality. Then we're really able to assess every step of the way through relationship. And in that moment, we're also able to consider, Hey, you know what? There's fallibility here. I've got humility here and Archie taking onboard that humility is so, so important because when your partner gives you feedback, Then you can kind of put your hands up and really open yourself to receiving that feedback. Feedback by the way is different to criticism. So I'm going to talk about light and just a quick second. But the ability to have that window of tolerance to receiving feedback over something that you've done in terms of your behaviors, in terms of what you look, what you're doing. And how that's impacting the relationship or your partner. That's super important. It's also important for your partner to be able to consider that right. For them to have that window. Um, in terms of their feedback, but otherwise what ends up happening is that you experienced a lot of defensiveness and with defense. The best form of defenses is high. And so if you're unable to have that window of tolerance of really considering, Hey, This has happened and I have influenced the situation I have negatively affected my partner in this way. If we're enabled to consider that. Then it becomes really hard because we NAFA hold our hands up, but we'll always pointing the thing at, and if we're always pointing the finger, then we're always blaming. And so if you look at, for example, Gottman Institute, The four horsemen. Uh, factors that they've considered in terms of what can lead to relationship breakups. And this is seen, and I think it's about 86% of people who end up breaking up over a 10-year period. Is that. There is a high level of criticism. So the finger is always being pointed and there's a high level of defensiveness. And so that's when, Hey, you know what? I am perfect. I've not turned anything. Hey, you know what. Not she be you, who's the problem here. And so th th this in terms of building up the wall and defending, and also the pointing of the finger, those are two really, really critical issues that are incredibly harmful for any relationship. And actually when navigating to be able to love from that space. So I'm going to share a story with you, um, about a couple that I work with. And so I've been working with this couple husband and wife, heterosexual couple, but you know what, it'll be the same with any kind. Kind of ju uh, any gendered relationship. But ultimately what was happening, whereas that there was this issue. Why. There was infidelity and there was infidelity from the female. And so she was having an affair for a brief period of time. And anyway, he found out he was able to forgive her. But what happened with that? Forgiveness was thoughts. It was always something that was kind of lingering over their head. It was always like this cloud. That was that. And it wasn't a cloud of acknowledging and needing to build upon trust, but it was only like a cloud and it was used. As a point of criticism, anytime she's tempted to repass. So there was certain things that she was trying to G to pass. So, uh, they had three kids together. And so some of the things that she would try to do to repair would be to. Um, spend more time with the family units. And do you more planning with the kids? To take them out soccer practice too. Um, do more baking with them. She was kind of doing different things, but then also with her partner, and what she's trying to do is she's trying to connect with him. She booked in the sessions, uh, So I have intervention. Uh, she was being a lot more considerate and she was really trying to give so much space to him. And even in the session she was saying to me, I don't know what else today, because I really try my very best to understand his feelings. So I know what I did was wrong and I know I did hurt him, but at the same time, I don't know how we're going to move past this because I feel guilty. I still feel horrifically guilty. And every time we have disagreements, he brings it up. And he says that he can't trust me, but how long do I need to prove that he can trust me now? How long do you, I need to repack this issue. And it was a real difficulty. And so in the conversation he was saying, yeah, but how can I trust you? You did this, you betrayed me. And in essence, you know, the reason why a lot of people. Are in faithful in relationships isn't necessarily to do with the third person, but it's actually to say, there's a problem between you and me. And that is something really important to consider because actually the third person is just where the projections lie. It's never actually about the third person. If it was about the third person, the relationship would actually seize. And the relationship with the third person would continue. But if it's. I ended that fast. Um, or infidelity or cheating or whatever it is the context. And they're really wanting to work on the main relationship it's to say that actually there was something wrong in the main relationship and. That third person. That was just a projection of what it is that I was hoping and longing and wishing to get in this relationship. Is there anyway, so it was through a lot of discussion, but the point being is. Any time she tries to Repat and anytime she tried to make things better to prove that she was trustworthy, that she was honest and she, she did everything. She just gave permission for everything, for a phone, for a calendar, for a work email, like everything. And he would still criticize her. And, you know, it would be some things like yabba, I don't know. But Hmm. Maybe, but Hmm. And all of these things were really, really hard and actually dealing with that level of criticism on a continuous basis, even if it wasn't a day-to-day basis, but for months, and couple of years, like. That would be really hard. And actually you would then get to a point why. This isn't done with love. I'm attempting to labor in this relationship with love. Um, it's tempting to go from being fractured and from having a rough church who having solidarity and to giving you the Slav. But it's not being received. It's not landing. And so that in itself can really be a determinant and can be an test really in terms of, well, is this relationship then? That full with saving, is it worth me sticking around for. Yes. Hello? No. And so this is something super important for us to consider is actually how is it that reparations for ruptures in a relationship are received? Because guess what? Problem solving. I come up in a relationship that's normal. You all going to have disagreements, you are going to have arguments, but the key is actually, how do you argue? And how are you able to Repat and not cheat? Are you receiving the other person's reparation. And are you able both to labor with love? And that's really in terms of wanting to salvage that relationship. And really wanting to gain that level of connection again. So something super important heats can sit at. Are we keeping score? I'm really not letting go of certain things. Or are we mindful of certain things and we're willing and wanting to commit to something that's greater that we're able to really understand and resolve, set in issues and really able to cut ourselves and move on. And really do that with a level of commitment. So about something super important to consider. One of the fi Theresa. Well is really about how it is that you walk the path of the relationship. And you're probably. Uh, guessing lots of mixed messages on this. You probably have had mixed messages and we'll continue to get mixed messages on what our relationship path should look like. And so, uh, you know, sometimes you get these messages of you complete me. You are my better half. You are everything that I wanted and we should always do everything together. And often you'll get these messages of relationships. The ideal relationship should be like this. It should be bound. And that is perfection. Or is actually, that's not the case. And if you're expecting your partner to waltz and like absolutely everything that you want in like all the time in the same breath at the same level of energy. Your gonna lose thought relationship and highly. And so what is really a balance is considering that you're walking down this path. Oh, it's used this metaphor. Of walking down a forest. And if you imagine that you're walking and you're side by side with your partner. And there's a particular compass that you're both sharing and you're looking at this compass and you both wants to go north, right? You both want to go in the same direction, whatever direction that is. And you're walking down this path. However, as you're walking down this path and you're side by side. You might look over to your left-hand side and be like, Hey. Well, it's a really pretty tree. I'm going to go over there and just have a quick look. Oh, wow. Check out lot deer. And you start walking over and you're looking at whatever it is that you want to look out and your partner says, wow. That's super cool. Your partner might want to join you on a little bit of a detour or you might partner might say, you know what? That's cool. Um, I'm just going to stick here and I'm just going to wait here for you. But they've acknowledged you, they know where you are. You've said, wow, this is amazing. You've gone on your little venture. And eventually you come back to each other and you congregate simultaneously, your partner might say, Hey, you know what? Look at that cliff thought, cliff looks amazing. And they go over and they want to look into the distance and wants to look into the best. And they say, Hey, come along, come along. And you're like, you know what? That's amazing. I'm terrified of Heights. I'm going to stay here on solid ground. And I don't want to go by. And that's okay as well, because actually there's difference in terms of what it is that you like. And that's okay. And actually you're both accepting of each other's differences. In fact, you both love each other for your differences, and that is key. Because you're not going to find somebody who's exactly the same as you and neither should you relationships, healthy relationships are not designed to do that. Healthy relationships are designed to be compatible, not aligned, but compatible. And so the compatibility really lies. And actually, how is it that we're able to both walk. This journey of life together. How has it little, both able to be side-by-side and look to each other and check in on each other and hold each other's hand and really mentally rise and hold each other in mind and really consider each other in that moment. That's what. Compatibilities about, but it's also being compatible enough to say, Hey, you know what? I try to go over here. I just want to go over there. I'll be back shortly. I'm just going on my own little. Experience. And with relationships, it's exactly the same that actually we love our partner. Not because we want them to be exactly like us, but it's actually because we appreciate them for who they are. We appreciate them for their differences and we want them to be who they are. And with that. A challenge that a lot of people that I see a lot of clients of mine have is that they. Consider that differences is a bit of a weakness or they have very little tolerance. In terms of whether their differences are okay. And actually they feel almost hurts by their differences. So just to give you an example to illustrate this point, Is I had a client, a couple. Uh, but one of them, so it was the gentleman. He was always on time for everything. And he was kind of on the anxious side, actually he's anxiously attached. Um, and what he would do with every day, he would say to his girlfriend, Hey, let's call it seven. Right? So the both finished work. Let's call it seven. And he'd be that waiting on the phone at exactly 7:00 PM. No minute later. And let's say she didn't pick up. That would be horrific to him. And he would start going into panic mode. He'd be really worried. He'd be anxious as a relationship gonna end. Does she even love me anymore? Does she CA. Is she, this, this and this, and you're a star. You'd be really anxious. And then, you know, 7 0 2, she called him ha sigh of relief. He'd be fine. Cool. But then as time went on and like, you know, let's say she was a couple of minutes late. She was five minutes late. Maybe one day she forgot or maybe another day she was actually stuck at work and she couldn't call him and she sent him a text and stuff. All of these things actually built up and he started to feel really resentful. And he started to feel really frustrated over her and over the relationship. And he was like, I don't even know if I want to be in this relationship anymore. She doesn't respect me because she doesn't call me at 7:00 PM at exactly 7:00 PM. And so we were really looking at this and we were really considering this idea. Okay. Is this actually an issue of disrespect? Or is this really an issue around this different priorities at exactly that moment and not being okay. And so one thing to consider was that she was very much a social bus fly. And so she would go out with a friend, she'd go out with a colleagues and sometimes it was quite impromptu and sometimes she would just message him at half six saying, oh, sorry, I'm out with the girls. I can't call you. I'll speak to you later on today or later on tonight, tonight, tomorrow, whatever it might be. And these things used to really frustrate him and he would see that as a sign of disrespect. Ben actually. These are also qualities of her. So it was almost like they were both walking along the same path because that compass was still pointed to the same direction. They still wanted the same thing in the greater good of their relationship. But in that moment, she was saying, Hey, you know what, there's a cliff over. It looks really cool. I want to go have a look. I'll be back in the SOC. I'll be back in an hour, whatever it might be. And he couldn't tolerate the fact that she was just leaving or he misinterpreted her leaving to look at the cliff as hell, leaving him as opposed to hat, necessarily wanting to just enjoy life and to fulfill her own cop. To experience something that was for her. And he was able to do the same if he wanted to, he chose Nazi, but at the same time he couldn't differentiate. Is she leaving me or is she just expressing her in personnel? Say. So this is something that's super Keats can set up. In. What's that. Like I said, we're not going to be exactly the same. We're not going to be exactly aligned, but actually we just need to be compatible. And so it can possibility is really considering, do we have the same compass focusing in the same direction? And actually with these different things that might occur in the relationship. So for example, I'm going over here to look over that. I'm not calling you at exactly seven o'clock actually I am free spurted. I'll call you. I don't want to call you. It might be. Six o'clock, it might be eight o'clock, but I'm still going to call you, you know, cause I want this relationship to work out. So the compass is still in the same direction. Actually, that's not disrespect. That's really about her personality type and structure. And so Ben is really about considering, well, actually, how do you, I. Regulate myself. How do I consider myself and heal my earn wounds? Because my wound about having exactly the 7:00 PM structure. That in itself isn't necessarily healthy. And actually that's reflective of my own past. My baggage that I'm bringing into this relationship and I'm projecting onto this partner. How do I resolve that? Because that is crucial. Otherwise my partner might not necessarily tolerate my rigidity. And it's also about considering, well, actually, how do I resolve this rigidity? Right? Because being boundaried being recharged are two different things. So being boundaried is also considering what's negotiable and non-negotiable where it's being rigid is being so hard down the line that there is no forgiveness. Either side. And the rigidity will not last in a relationship because actually that in itself is a toxic behavior. And not many people will be able to put up with that. People who are securely attached, won't be able to tolerate the rigidity. It becomes really toxic and damaging to the relationship dynamics. So. Then it's really saying, you know what. I need to resolve my own baggage. I need to resolve my own wounds and heal myself. So that I'm not projecting onto this relationship. Or at the very least I can consider one. Am I rejecting it? Projecting instance relationship, because if I notice something projecting. Then I can at least stop in my tracks. I might not know exactly what to do, but at least I can stop in that moment. And then I can reevaluate what it is that I need to do. So that's something that's crucial. And then the second thing is really looking at your partner. And the way that I would like to describe it is. As if you're looking at them through a TV as if you're watching them on TV and they're on a TV show or something, and you're watching them in terms of their behaviors. You're watching them in terms of their characteristics. You're watching them in terms of how they deal with other people, how it is that they entrance with the world. Lodge. And when you're watching your partner. From a distance like objectively. In that moment, it's really important for you to consider not necessarily how they treat you, but how it is that they operate in general. And then it really gives you an insight in terms of how is they are as a human being. What is that character like? What do they love? What behaviors do they exhibit what's important to them? What it is that they value. And that's important because then you can make a true assessment, a true judgment in terms of, well, is this person really right for me? Are we aligned in terms of all values and is our compass really pointing in the same direction? Is this really what it is that we both want? And can I love this person for being different for having different qualities. For one thing, to look at the. I don't know if the best. Over the cliff, whatever it might be, but can I lift this person full their qualities and love them separate to me? That aren't Chile. I can appreciate everything about them. And this is not a single part of me that wants them to be like me to much me or to align with me. If they do align with me moments, then that's fine. That's great. But actually I still have a significant appreciation for them, for how they are, who they are, just the way that they are. So this is something super important for us to consider a swell. And. Finally just sleep you with a snowsuit. We're really going to be talking about connection. Now, connection is something that's supervisorial for any relationships, you not just survive, but to really thrive, to feel nourished. And human connection is so important for our soul and those connection on so many different levels, but ultimately there's mental, emotional connection, and there's also physical connection. And so would the mental and emotional connection. We're really talking about this ability to step out of our own head, but also. To step alongside our partner and they do the same with us as well. And so it's this real skill around mentally. and empathizing with our partner. So when we're monopolizing empathizing, we're really considering that our partner has different experiences and they are so, so valid. And we are here wanting to understand them. We're here wanting to be with them and to hold them in mind. And that's a real appreciation, but also they have held us in mind. And so it's a two-way street and that's something super important to consider. How much do I feel like I'm being held in mind? Because the moment I feel like I'm being held in mind, then I feel seen, I feel head. I feel understood. I feel acknowledged so important. And so it doesn't have to be some sorts of elaborate thing or Grund gesture, but you know, the emotional mental connection can really be as simple as. How are you? Like really? How are you? And I'm not saying, oh, you okay? All right. And just kind of having a blahzay. Statement like that way. You're not actually paying attention to them. But it's really looking them in the eye and saying, well, how are you? Wait, how has your day. And even if they minimize it, even if they say something like, oh yeah, no, this person at work was just a bit stressful, but you know, more, I. No. Talk to me what happened? And even in that moment, Even if they're minimizing it to begin with all the dismissing, all the diminishing it, and they feel like it's not really relevant to the relationship might not be relevant to the relationship, but it's relevant to them and that relevant to you and that relevant to the relationship. And so. That in itself is crucial, right? Because then you actually see them and they feel seen, they feel heard, they feel understood. They feel appreciated in that moment. And that's the thing that really helps to bind you together. And with physical connection. I mean, physical touch is so important. What we notice is that people who experience lack of physical touch, Also at higher risk of fiscal illness, they're at high risk of. Cults and fleas. This is just stunted stuff. They're a high risk of heart disease. There aren't at high risk of, um, uh, dysregulation. In terms of that AV system, there are actually a higher risk of things like outsiders in dementia. It's really significant how important fiscal touch Chez and physical touch really does enhance connection. And what I'm talking about physical touch. I'm not necessarily just talking about sex or sexual intercourse or, um, It has to be sexual contact, but I'm actually talking about even just holding hands, even just hugging. And the ideal really is that we hug for 20 seconds and that's really when we start to experience oxytocin. And that's when we can really start to feel safe and secure. And this is really on a physiological level and it starts to really calm down our sympathetic nervous system. So it's incredibly important that we experienced that on a regular daily basis. If you liked this show, please do me three solids first, share it with a friend because if he found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will DT second subscribe so that you never get to miss an episode and third, please rate the show to help other people find life changing content. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, have a healthy and fulfilling relationships. So please help me in my mission.