How to rebuild trust after cheating, betrayal, lies and deceit

NOTE: This is only for couples who WANT to make their relationship work and rebuild trust.

There's been an injury in your relationship.

You might have been hurt by your partner's actions. They might have been critical or judgemental. They might have ignored you when you needed them or betrayed you when you trusted them.

Your partner (who did the act) wants to change, they're showing signs of remorse but they're also not sure of what they need to do to make it better.  

They scramble around trying to do "everything to fix it" and they might show you excessive signs that they're sorry or signs of affection.

But you're still doubtful over their every move they take. 

And not only that - they then start to feel fed up because "they can't seem to fix it" or "make you believe them". 

So one of the primary questions for the person who is injured: How do you KNOW for sure that your partner's remorse and change is genuine?

And for the person who is looking to repair the rupture in the relationship, the question is: What do you need to do to show your partner that you're genuinely wanting to take the steps to make this relationship work?

1. Trust needs to be built from sub-ground levels upwards (be ok with this).
2. Humility and fallibility
3. Cognitive and emotional empathy
4. Psychological safety (remove defenses and urges of the ego)
5. Eliminating testing behaviours (observation and time will give you the truth)

All your answers are in this episode - enjoy!

Instagram @dr.sarahalsawy
www.healtraumabonding.com
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Heal Trauma Bonding Founder, Dr Sarah Alsawy-Davies

Transcript

0:00

Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Hello, my friends and welcome. Today, we are going to be talking about this issue of how do you rebuild trust? How is it that you can have a fresh start, particularly if there have been a lot of ruptures in your relationship? And this was a question that was really coming to me by someone who listens to this podcast. But it's actually something that I see day in, day out in my clinical work. And I just felt like it would be really helpful to talk about here. And so just to give you a bit of context in terms of what we're really talking about. So this really relates to couples whereby an injury has happened. An injury could be one of a number of things. So it could either be that one partner was really critical. One partner with. Really quick to go from zero to a hundred, they were incredibly angry. They were very defensive. They were attacking. There might've been an issue in fidelity, but the point being is that one person. Was often injuring the other person. And the might've been a lot of love that there might have been the intention of supporting the relationship of nurturing the relationship of working for the relationship to succeed. But simultaneously. There were a lot of problems. And so we're in this position where let's say sad person who has done the injury. Has gone off to try and better themselves, and they're trying to heal their own wounds, but also they're trying to support their partner. Trying to create a new, healthy dynamic. Where do we go now? Because often there's this issue of mistrust and their partner who has been injured, doesn't know where they stand. They don't know whether or not they can trust their partner anymore. They don't know whether or not the relationship is viable in terms of surviving. If it's got potential for the future. If they can actually get over the things that has happened. So, what do we do here? Where do we go from here? And this is really going to break, be breaking down the different steps for you. In terms of how do we act? How do we process certain problems of the past? And how do we really rebuild trust from the ground zero. So, first of all, before going into all of the steps, I need to absolutely outline this point because this point, I feel like a lot of people miss, and they don't quite recognize how important it is, but. One trust has been broken in any relationship. You cannot revert back to the point. Of the trust that you had prior to the injury? That is not possible. Because what happens during that moment of mistrust, that moment of betrayal? All trust is removed, even though there might've been a long history of you building trust with that person and they fully believed you. But in that particular instance of betrayal, all of that has been wiped off. And not only that. I would argue that you're not even starting from ground zero, but you're actually starting from below basement ground. And that might seem quite harsh to hear, but it is the truth and it's their reality for a lot of people. And it's simply because of how our subconscious mind operates. How our ego is constantly trying to preserve us and trying to protect ourselves and also how the brain functions. And so ultimately what happens is that if somebody has been betrayed. They do not believe. Anything else that comes out of that person's mouth, who's still in the portrayal. They want to, they might consciously really try hard, but subconsciously they're not buying it. That brain does not buy into it to end. This is really a survival mechanism because they're trying to protect themselves. But not only are we starting from ground zero, we're actually starting sub basements because that individual needs a lot to be able to even get them to ground zero. Because what they've experienced that betrayal has wiped the slate clean, but it's also removed any. Benefit of the doubt that they can give on a subconscious level. Whereas let's say, for example, if you're walking down the street, the person who is walking past you complete stranger, you might not know them, but you're more likely to give them a benefit of the doubt. Because you have no. Ill experiences of that person. They're just a stranger to you, right? So, so you, you don't fully trust them, but at the same time, you're starting on ground zero. And so it could go one of the two ways. Whereas actually, if it's somebody who really trusted, he put all of your faith into that person, and then they betray you. That could steep. And so your slate gets wiped off completely in terms of everything that you built. But not only that you're actually starting from below ground. And so that's the point that you really have to consider? Of where your starting, when you're rebuilding this relationship and rebuilding that trust. I really need to mention that because a lot of people have this assumption that we can just go back to where we were prior. But that's not going to be the case. And the person who got injured is never going to feel safe doing that. Their brain, their subconscious mind will not allow them to do that. And so by you requesting that of them, your asking them for far too much, So a truly needed to point that out. But, you know, what, what are the steps then? So what the steps in terms of rebuilding trust and really trying to move to a healthy place with your partner. And also eliminating any messiness that might come up. And. This is really for couples who are fully committing to making this work. Or at the very least, they're fully committing to seeing if this can work because they know that their relationship can be incredible, that they have got. Amazing values that are aligned, that they're really compatible. That they are actually really good for each other. And they both are incredible individuals because of one another. And, and they really prioritize that. So, you know, it's really for people who have the full intention of repairing the rupture, but also for people who are. Even open to this idea. That's okay. It might not work out longterm. But I want to try my hardest to make sure that it does. No. The first step really is for the person who did the injury. To accept humility to really be in that mind space of humility and to recognize fallibility. And the reason why I'm saying this is because often people, when they have done the injury. It feels really incongruent on a subconscious level. So I'm going to talk about that in a little while, but ultimately. They go into defense mode. It is very quick for the person to jump the gun and to defend themselves really, really quickly. And so sometimes the defense. Can actually come out and really subtle ways that you don't necessarily realize. So for example, Going into immediate apology and not wanting to stay with the problem or not wanting to stay with the hair to emotion of the other person. Or almost apologizing excessively that it shuts down the person who feels injured. That is also a defense mechanism. So I really want to highlight that defense. Isn't always in the form of criticism. It's not always informed of attack. It's not always in the form of. Um, Okay. Yeah, sure. I did that, but actually I did that because you did that, or I did that because this is my past and this is what I know. You know, all of these things. Aren't typical defensiveness that we are familiar with. But defense can also come up with very quick. Apologies. And they're so quick and you feel shut down very quickly as consequence. And that in itself is also a really big defense just to watch out for that. And if you're in that mode of defensiveness you're in that mode because actually two. Really set with what you did that hurt this person. He love to really feel that. Can feel really painful and it can actually be traumatic for some people. And part of the reason for that is because it isn't congruent. So often we like to see ourselves as trying. Our very best. We also might recognize that we mess up sometimes. And we consciously know that we're not perfect and that's okay. But subconsciously. We are really wanting to protect. Anything that might question the ego. So we all have an ego. An ego is basically the part of us that is debating whether or not we're good enough, whether or not we're where the, it is. The part of us that. Tries to assess ourselves through the eyes of others. And so if your partner is making this comments saying, Hey, you really hurt me. You really betrayed me all of a sudden, the ego lights up and it's has all my God. I really need to protect my vision of my worth and how other people see me. And so that's when the defense mechanisms really, really kick out on. And we do this. And we actually get completely blind to the thing that we have done. We might recognize it. Sure. But we are working so hard. Into ignore to back away, to push away, to move away from the thing that we did that was hurtful because to admit that we did something that was hurtful to somebody would also mean that we would have to shut our ego. We would also have to recognize that our ego. Is malfunctioning. And actually the perception that other people have of us. Is a negative one because we did something to her. Um, that in itself becomes really intolerable and we get into this really messy territory. And so it's really important to understand that defense mechanisms. On high alert at that moment. And so we have to take the extra effort, the precaution of really. I knowledging in staying within our humility. In our fallibility. And it's so only through that, when we, when we reduce our own self-importance. And we almost overcome our own narcissism. That's the point when we are able to really move forward and we're really able to listen to our partner. Which means on to the second stage is really about listening and I'm not talking about. Hearing them, I'm not talking about, you know, active listening skills that you might have learnt in some book or on some talk or whatever it might be. But actively listening to somebody. Is the pursuit of consistently understanding that person. And so it's almost like removing yourself from yourself. And you are literally sitting right besides that person. And you're saying to him, can you please help me learn about your experience? Can you please tell me what you are actually going through? Can you please tell me what it is that you're seeing? And so they can express whatever it is that they're seeing. But you would consistently and persistently be. Pursuing the knowledge and the understanding of what it is that they're seeing. And it's only through that. That is the idea of when you are deeply listening to what it is that they're going through. And that is when you really understand that position. And this leads on to our third stage earth, deep empathy. Now. As human beings, we have different levels of empathy. But the thing that's really important here to recognize is that where wanting to be with the other person. On both a mental and an emotional level. So if I was briefly to talk about the levels of empathy, you've got the speced stage of empathy, which is basic cognitive understanding. Which might look something like I. Understand what it is that you're going through. Full-stop. But then you've got cognitive and emotional empathy. So cognitive and emotional empathy would be, I can mentally what it is that you're going through. I completely see your position and the obstacles that you've had. And I can emotionally really tap into that in terms of how distressing them as to burn. I might not fully feel it, but I can definitely tap into it. And I can see you deeply. And that is absolutely key because the moment that you really see that person that is when we start to experience. Uh, sense of connection. And it's through repeated experiences of connection. That is when we start to rebuild and regain trust. And the way that it would occur is for the person who's been injured, they would have to feel seen. They would have to feel. That, that partner is connecting with them, that their partner mentally and emotionally connects with them. And so it's really bike considering where that person is. What it is that they're experiencing where their rights and actually how they would want to navigate this difficulty. And so the person who did the injury. They might not have all the answers and that's okay. Even if it feels very pressurizing and it feels like that there's this expectation that you can fix everything and make everything all glorious or glamorous like it was before. That's never going to work. So even if you did everything above and beyond, and you're always trying to overcompensate. The pastoral, the injury. That is not going to go well for you, because actually in that moment, the person who has been injured, they are going to feel that it is an overcompensation. Or me starts to lean into this angle of love bombing. And you don't actually see that person. You don't actually connect to them on a deep, emotional, and mental level. What you're doing in that moment, as you are very cerebral. And you're just trying really hard to plaster over that wound. Uh, with the plaster over the wound, isn't going to do anything. You actually need to investigate that wound and you need to allow that wound to heal. And by doing so you're allowing it to breathe. And you are providing care for it. You all being tender, you are being mindful of it. And you also recognize the pain around it. Right. And so what I mean by that is let's say that is a repeated issue that comes up or a potential issue that might tap into. Some of the injuries that happened before. So for instance, if the issue of criticism was ongoing previously on this. This was something really problematic. Then the moment that, uh, comments which feels harsh or a feedback that feels. Abrupt occurs. We noticed that that wound. Is starting to hurt. It's almost like we've been tapping around that area of injury. And so the injury itself is going to hurt. And when we're doing the reparation of the trust or rebuilding, that it's important for us to recognize actually what's happening around that wound. And that is. Sort screen to hurt. And so then we really consider, well, how can we. Move forward in the healthiest way. And so. Uh, in this moment when we are. Building that trust. And we have mentally and emotionally empathize with the person and we are really living with them. That itself is going to adjust how you treat your partner, but also how it is that you behave within that relationship. Because what happens is that you're holding that other person in mind. They might not be a hundred percent of the forefront of your mind all the time. And it would be unrealistic to expect you to do that. But don't Chile, they would be present. They would be taking up space inside of your mind and learn itself is really important. And in that moment, when they're taking up space, you are then. Starting to shift in terms of how you interact, how is it? You talk, how it is that you behave in external situations. And. That would really be in the aim of caring for that person and the aim of protecting that person, but also creating that sense of safety. Because guess what? We're never going to be. Able to rebuild trust if that is no baseline safety and safety. I mean, psychological, I mean, physical safety. That is ultimate key. It has to exist. Is there. If you're acting in this way, that really provides safety. It's also then important for you to consider with that person and really having that open conversation. Again, it needs to be in a safe space where you did this, but it's. How about conversation with this person about what is it that would help you feel safe here? And how is it that I can meet that need for safety? Because. That is foundational to any relationship, especially when you're trying to rebuild trust. And this should actually be an ongoing conversation with your partner. And they might make comments such as well. I felt safe when you did this, but I didn't feel safe on this happened. And. This made me feel that insecure. This made me feel anxious. Um, I, and then you didn't respond to it and she that's really important feedback for you to have, because again, it is part of you sitting with your partner, then painting a picture for you. And you're asking them to paint a picture for you. You're sitting there actively listening and understanding and really pursuing that understanding with them. And. That in itself would help create that level of safety by you listening without any judgment, without any preconceptions, without the defensiveness and your really staying in your humility. That in itself would really support your partner to learn that. Yeah, perhaps I can be safe with this person because I can express my deepest emotions, my injury, my pain, and it's accepted. And by the very process of that mutual understanding. That creates safety and that can create trust. But beyond that, let's say that is a disagreement or there is a situation where you simply can't meet your partner's needs. And eh, Then you will really confused. So I get this with a lot of clients where they say, okay, my partner's really anxious about this happening about me talking to a female, even though there's obviously nothing going on the ad, but actually I work with female colleagues all the time. So I can't. Not talk to them. How do I navigate the situation? And in that moment. Again, it's so important for us to come up with an agreement in terms of, well, what bounds feel safe? And how can I really measure that? And so it might be in that. Actually your partner recognizes who these people are and what those conversations are like. And as much as you have been sitting alongside your partner and really actively listening to them and doing this from a place of humility and reducing your defense. It's also up to you to ask your partner to say, Hey, would you mind listening to my side? And so your partner can come on your side and sit with you. And you can say, I completely see your vision through how it is that you're looking at the world and what it is. I did. This is my vision as well. And this is my experience. And if you don't know how to navigate that experience, it's okay for you to say, I really don't know how to resolve this. I really don't know where to go from here. Because I have the situation. I want to make sure that you're safe. I don't know if me doing this is safe for you. How are we going to come to an agreement around this? Can you see that this is okay. Can you see that this is not okay. And in unit it's really about having that dialogue as well from your end. And when we get to a point whereby it feels stuck. And it feels like that is no obvious solution. It is then it really down to assessing. Your actions over time. So, what I mean by that is let's say, you know, you've got a situation. I've had this with previous clients of mine where you've got the situation. Your honor. A heterosexual male, and you work with female colleagues and your partner might be really worried about you flirting with female colleagues or, um, an issue of infidelity, anything like that? Well, Actually it would then be down to you to say, you know what? I literally can't prove my innocence. Um, and I really don't want to be on faithful to you. I really want to preserve this relationship. But you can watch. Why do you can watch how I behave? And you can see what things are like over the next month, over the next couple of months, over the next six months, you know, you can give yourself a high moment or a time guide. And by that. Your partner can then just observe you because part of building trust is actually building trust in the lack of information in not fully knowing. So, what am I going from? Sub zero to zero. We need a lot of information. We need a lot of reassurance and we need. A stronger foundation to be able to build that relationship up. And the foundation really consists of things like respect. Of no defensiveness. Of acceptance, no criticism removing any form of content. And having that mental and emotional connection like that. These are really foundational skills. That we need to have. And when that's been established, then it's a lot easier to build trust in the unknown. So then you can go off to work. Half female colleagues and sure. It might feel really, really uncomfortable to begin with. There might be a lack of trust to begin with. But then not trust can build up over time because actually what your partner would then witness as this person is still consistent. They're still working really hard on building that foundation or maintaining that foundation of making me feel safe of the pursuit of continuously understanding me. And so even though I don't have secret cameras of what it looks like when you're at work. I have the. Security. That you all. That, that you're wanting to make this work, that you are building this, that this is something that's super important to you. And I feel that. And that in itself would really support the growth of your relationship. If you liked this show, please do me three solids first, share it with a friend because if he found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will DT second subscribe so that you never get to miss an episode and third, please rate the show to help other people find life changing content. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, have a healthy and fulfilling relationships. So please help me in my mission.