Am I the toxic one? 10 questions to ask yourself

Today, I'll discuss a common question from struggling couples or individuals facing relationship challenges: "Am I the toxic one, or do I do toxic things that harm the relationship?" Let's unpack this idea of toxic behavior, acknowledging that nobody is entirely good or bad; we're all human, prone to mistakes and blind spots.

It's not about placing all blame on your partner or solely on yourself. Rather, it's about accountability and recognizing the role each person plays in relationship dynamics. We have the most control over ourselves, our actions, and our self-awareness.

Here are 10 toxic patterns to watch out for:

1. Feeling inherently superior or inferior to your partner, even if it's subtle.
2. Assuming the worst about your partner's capabilities or intentions, leading to defensiveness or disempowerment.
3. Keeping score of past grievances and using them in arguments, which prevents resolution.
4. Using manipulation or control tactics, overt or subtle, to influence your partner's behavior.
5. Embracing a victim mentality, seeking validation or rescue from your partner rather than taking responsibility.
6. Being addicted to drama, seeking reassurance through conflict or emotional upheaval.
7. Using sex as a way to gloss over unresolved issues, creating false intimacy.
8. Having a short temper with your partner due to a sense of safety and familiarity.
9. Putting emotional distance between you and your partner during conflict, or ignoring their attempts at reconciliation.
10. Ignoring or minimizing problems in the relationship, hoping they'll resolve on their own or expecting your partner to fix them.

Recognizing these behaviors is the first step toward fostering a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. It's about taking ownership of our actions, understanding our vulnerabilities, and actively working towards positive change.

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Hello, and welcome back my friends today. I'm going to be talking about this particular question that I get asked a lot. By couples, by individuals who are coming to me and they're really struggling with that relationship. They have either found themselves in. Argument after argument after arguments with that partner. Or they found themselves in one painful relationship after another. And they're really struggling to connect with that partner. They're really struggling to find meaning in that relationship or they're really struggling to be able to resolve. Sets in difficulty sets and problems. And the question is, am I the toxic one or do I do toxic things that damage the relationship? And just as a caveat here, I want to talk about this idea of toxic behaviors. And I feel like the word toxic has been used a heck of a lot recently. But it's important to understand a little bit more contextually about why I'm referring to. And one thing to say is that nobody on this planet is a hundred percent bod. Also nobody on this planet is a hundred percent good and that's okay because we're all human. We almost make mistakes. We all have blind spots and that's part of human nature. That's actually the symptom of being a human. And so with this, it's really not to say that actually. All of your blame or all of your difficulties should be put on your partner and your partner is someone to blame. Or the, all of the difficulties that you experience are on you, and you're the one to fully blame for all the problems in your relationship, but it's actually really a discussion in terms of helping you get accountability. Helping you take on responsibility. Uh, helping you look at the parts that you put into the relationship, the part that you might be involved in. That that ends up leading to sex and problems because ultimately the thing that we have called most control over is ourselves. And so it is so important that we have control over ourselves. That we have self-awareness that we can see what it is that we're doing or not doing, because this is really the key to freedom. This is really the thing that's going to enable us to grow. And to also have that relationship. That you really want. Sorry. I've compiled a list of 10 different things, which are very common. And some of them are actually quite subtle, but the rule toxic patterns and toxic behaviors that we might exhibit and relationships. Number one. This sense or this feeling that I am inherently better than my partner or they're inherently worse than I am. And even though this might seem a bit obvious, as I'm saying out loud, What I'm talking about here isn't necessarily something that is so obvious. It might not necessarily be something that you voice out loud. It could just even be a feeling that you have and you don't actually say it, but you definitely feel it. So, for example, it might be that you are fitter than your partner. And by that very, very much you, there may be a sense of ion better than. Which kind of makes sense because, okay. If you were looking at it on an objective level of show, you might be fitter. But somehow that is something that sits with you. And all of a sudden, there's this element of comparison. And sweetie you've even gone down that trajectory. There is this inherent feeling of ion better, or they are Western. And I'm not. Necessarily talking about, you know, where it's click hots. Uh, difficulties that you might find with narcissistic traits, where they might really, really criticize the other person. But it tends to be something that might be a bit more subtle. And guess what, the reason why I'm pointing the sounds is because it believes out in your language, it bleeds out in your interactions. Even if you don't actually tell your partner that you think you're better than them or that they're worse than you. But it's going to come out in set in parts of your way of being with them. So you might be tiptoeing around them a little bit more, or you might express yourself in a different way, or it might be whatever you're speaking to friends or family. And your together, or even apart, these kinds of conversations happen and it might be shown in a way of, oh, you know what? I'm a bit disappointed in my partner because we can't go out for a run together. Because they're not fit enough. Or it might be all well, you know, I'm having to take care of, or household bills. And that's actually a bit stressful and it's just, you know, kind of getting a bit irritated with my partner about that. And so even though these might be genuine things that happening. But actually that moment when we start to feel disappointed or we start to feel irritated or frustrated or resentful towards our partner for that thing. That is the moment that we then really start to notice that there's a discrepancy between how good enough I am. This is how gonna fail. And this is the foundation for the issue of contraption. Because we all then considering, well, you know what? I am one whole level better than you. And that's can really fuel. Problems and issues within your relationship. Okay. Number two. Assuming the worst about your partner. Now, this might be an assumption that your partner is incapable of doing something. Or the assumption that your partner has bad intentions. So it usually falls into the, under those two categories. I they're incapable of doing something. Or that they have bad intentions that they aren't malicious in some way. Because what automatically happens if we have those assumptions? We then either go on the defensive. And so we are automatically trying to defend our position because we believe we Assim. The all partner is maliciously acting. In a, in a bad way towards us or that it's something that's going to underperforming us, or we assume that that. Attacking us. We assume that they're neglecting us, whatever it might be, but we ended up. Entering defense mode. Because we're assuming. That they are acting in a negative way intentionally. Or we assume that they are incapable. And so what we ended up doing is we ended up doing more. And by us doing more for them, we actually ended up disabling them. We actually ended up disempowering them and were then taking control. We're taking charge of the relationship and that. And soap. Meaning that we establish this power hierarchy, this power imbalance. Whereby I make all the decisions because you're incapable of making the decisions. And then I just take charge. But that isn't a partnership that just ends up fueling this really, really harmful possum. And, uh, even though I might be doing this because I believe it's for the greater good of the relationship for its continue, but actually I am then creating some level of dependency. And I'm going to end up feeling really resentful by the end of that, by the fact that I'm always having to make these decisions, or I'm always having to look after my partner or do X, Y, and Z, because they are incapable. So the second one is really assuming the worst about your partner, either that capability or that intentions. And number three, keeping score. This is something that is so common. I see in a lot of people and it's something that a lot of people have difficulty lesson go of. So, for example, there was an argument that happened a few months ago, or your partner did something. And it didn't sit well with you. Or they forgot something that you told them. And it really hurt you. All of these situations, understandably are painful. And actually should be acknowledged. But you know what? They should be acknowledged that, and then at the time of the incident, If you all salting to nurture this yourself, almost taking this mental note of, okay. My partner did this on this day and my partner did that on this day. And X, Y, and Z happened, and you're doing that. And it goes on for weeks or months or even years. And then all of a sudden it comes up a few months or a few years later, and you're using that as an argument. And you're saying, Hey, you know what? You really upset me now. And it's kind of like that last time when you really upset me in the same way. Then all of a sudden, actually your partner is caught off guard. And out of respect for your partner, it's so important that you receive these issues as, and when they come up. And the reason why I say it's so important to do that out of respect is because you're actually giving your partner the opportunity to see what they've done. You're giving your partner the opportunity to. Admit their wrongdoing or to take on responsibility or for them to at least share that perspective, if they didn't realize if it was that blind spot. You're giving. Both of yourselves, the opportunity to grow from my experience so that your relationship can then be repackaged to the rupture is no longer that, so that actually you can strengthen whatever issue it is. So that you don't experience that again. That would be the responsible thing to do. And that would be the respectful thing to do. If your partner and for yourself, Or is actually, if you're keeping score. That is a huge disrespect for yourself and for your partner hunt, you just end up in this. Realm where it feels very much like a guessing game, but also later on down the line. Even if the things get resolved in that moment, and then you're bringing it up again. That in itself shows that you're still harboring some level of resentment and whatever the rupture was. It's unlikely that it's such your reflection of your partner. Or what it is that they've done the likelihood is that it's a reflection of an old wound that you have inside of you. And so that's something that's really important to recognize recognizing your own triggers, your own wounds. And actually your vulnerabilities, the thing that. Uh, have been causing you a lot of distress and a lot of harm based on your history. Because you have to remember when you went to these relationships, you know, entering with a blank slate, you are entering with your history or entering with your baggage. And that's okay. Because everybody has baggage and that's normal. That's human. But we also have to decipher. Am I keeping score. Because of the baggage that I'm carrying that actually I was so hurt in the past because I felt like I was so neglected. And this is just the thing that keeps coming up again. And again, for me that I'm having to keep score now. Or is it because I've actually not respected my partner or myself enough to bring it up as, and when the issues have occurred, Number five. Issue of manipulation and control. Now this might seem like an obvious one. But it's just something that I have to bring up because sometimes it's obvious and sometimes it's not so obvious. So the obvious sense would be when we are experiencing some element of narcissism, when somebody is. Really playing into that need to control that need to be in palette to dominate, to be seen in a particular light. Well, we might experience is that. That skewing reality, there might be issues of gas sizing going on, or there might be. This huge excession of control. And so there may be a kind of convince the other person, the partner have an argument so that they feel safer so that they feel okay, so that they're able to maintain the status quo. They convince their partner of an argument. So that that partner is in agreement with them. And, and that, that becomes really harmful, but you know, things like that might be a bit easier to see. What's not so easy to see are subtle signs of manipulation control. Particularly one victim hood is involved. So what I mean by this is. I can't tell you the number of times I've worked with people with clients, why they have been injured. On that is not that fault. And this is not at all. Blaming the people who have really struggled. You've been subjected to abuse. That sucks. That hurts. And I'm not blaming you at all for having this experience and fights it. Wasn't your fault. However. The problem starts coming up. When I feel like I'm a victim. I am really upset with my partner. I don't know what to do. And I or Mr. Wallowing in my own sorrow, I'm wallowing in my own victim hood, and I'm waiting for my partner to rescue me. And that's when it starts to become really toxic. And so it might be that. I'm really struggling. I'm upset. I'm distressed. I want my partner to notice me. They're not noticing me or they're not noticing me in the way that I want them to. I don't say anything, but I might be complaining a lot. I might be. Voicing just helps. I am just how irritated I am. Just how hurt I am. And I'm constantly voicing these things with the expectation that they will somehow. Magica all the way or they will somehow. Claire the ad, they will somehow rescue me. They will save me from this pain. And. If you can look at this, there's actually a huge leap. Ah, so there's a leap between me experiencing this pain and the struggle. And me hoping that they will then save me, that they will then rescue me somehow. There is a huge, huge leap. And even though you might not think it's sleep, you might think, well, obviously they should be able to figure it out. But actually for them, they might not have the puzzle pieces there, or they might try to fit in the puzzle pieces. They might try and give you the solution, but it's not actually the solution that you're wanting. It's not the one that you're looking for. And in this. Way of complaining or eliciting a lot of distressing emotions and wanting your partner to be just as stressed as you are. And this idea of emotional outsourcing. You're actually in a space where you're trying to manipulate your partner. And, and I'm not talking about this in a, in a harmful way. I'm not saying that you're doing this maliciously at all, but it's actually done with the hope that you can manipulate that perspective and so that they can fully embrace your victim hood so that they can fully John Penn dive in fully about your own victim hood. And so. In some way actually. Holding on to that position of being a victim also holds a level of control, even though you might not objectively think fat. But actually, if it's sustained for a while, it can enable you to control some parts of the relationship. Whereas the healthier way of being is to take on own responsibility of what it is that you can and can't do so that you can exit this victim hood mode so that you can figure out what is the ideal solution that you want, that you need from your partner. And sometimes the reason. Sometimes. You try out different things and actually during the thing that will give you pieces to leave and that's okay as well. But the thing is, is that you're taking on responsibility. You're taking action. You're taking accountability and you are taking an active role as opposed to simply manipulating and controlling from this position of victim hood. Number five addicted to the drama. This one is interesting. And what I'm talking about is. A lot of people, objectives really might feel really uncomfortable admitting to you this or saying, yes, I do do this. But the feeling is very much lab. So addicted to the drama is ultimately when they are wanting to have a lot of reassuring, Sachi comes from a place of high anxiety about the relationship or how that partner feels about them. And so they might be doing things like pretending that that flushing was somebody else. Just to see if that partner is going to be jealous. If that partner is jealous, Hey, Presto. My partner must really love me. But actually in that moment, you're creating a lot of drama for your own reassurance. And that's never healthy. And actually it creates a lot of doubts in your partner. Your partner is really confused about what's going on. And it can create a lot of ruptures, but at the same time, You then become really addicted to the distress and also the resolution of the distress, the distress being, Hey, I'm pretending to float with somebody else. Or somebody else's interested in me or I'm really irritated with you or there's this argument that really needs you to resolve. And so you, you know, you kind of get. Eh, Dick to, to the painful bits, but then also to the resolution of that pain and the reassurance and the attention that you're getting, the admiration that you ended up getting after all the fans. But again, this just fuels a really toxic cycle. And it's important for us to really figure out how to exit this by considering. Actually. What is the function of the stroma? Why is this drama really important for me to be hooked into what purpose is it serving me? And so the purpose usually is getting reassurance is really about having security and stability and safety. So really consider what is the function of the Strava? Number six. Sex as a way of making up. Now. One physical intimacy is involved. You. We might be fiscally intimate for various different reasons. And physical intimacy is so important in any relationship in terms of maintaining its health. But I don't actually, if it is Dawn as a method of making up after a fight or after something that's distressing or after a rupture, It becomes a little bit like we're creating a mini love bombing scene and that in itself can be really toxic because what happens is that the issue, the rupture, the distress, that point has not really been resolved or not resolved in healthy enough way. And so we then end up in the situation where we believe we've resolved it. We try to convince the person that we've resolved it because the sucks follows. And, uh, what's actually happening is that sex is that as a distraction sex is that as a bondage, it's, that's a coverup the issues and we almost ignore the issues and we say, you know, what's okay because the sex is so great. And actually that's never. That healthy because. We then ended up like really trumped in this dopamine hat. That we got with socks. We get trapped in this. Hi of the oxytocin that we get. So physiologically we're in a state where we all wanting to bond, we are wanting to attach it and we feel really, really good in that moment. But if you look at the context of the relationship, are we actually attaching to the person in a healthy way? Are we actually feeling secure? In that attachment, are we feeling safe with this person to attach to them? And so the SACS creates this vision of safety and security, but it could also be a false sense of safety and security. Because actually the real safety insecurity is around the emotional connection is around the emotional vulnerability and how we emotionally resolve some of these ruptures. Number seven, your temper will see temper like. And this is something that's so important to consider. And it's interesting because I think with a lot of people, particularly clients, why they find themselves in a lot of repeated arguments with our partner. Why that's They're fuses, social art. And I've become so much shorter with that partner compared with anybody else in the circle. Compared with that friends, the family members, whoever is, and this is really problematic. But part of the reason why it happens is because your partner is the person that you actually end up feeling safest with. That the person who shall most, whether the person who you exposed most vulnerability chair. And with that. We almost assume that we have full permission to. Expose all parts of ourselves, the good and the ugly. And so all partners sees the ugly and they see it in full falls. That is no inhibition in that moment. And so we end up believing that our partner is always there for us. They have consistently been there. They've always reliably been that. Especially partners who have had zero boundaries by the way, or zero consequences for boundaries that they say that they have. For those partners. What ends up happening is let's say fires are, uh, you know, short tempered individual. And I was in a relationship with somebody who is so, so passive or so, so laid back. What would happen is that I'm more likely to push and push and push that boundaries because guess what? They've never said no to me, or if they have said no to me, they don't really mean the no, because it's still a yes. At the end of the day. And you know, it was kind of muddy territory. But I can then push and I can be as short tempered as I like, because they will consistently unreliably be the anyway, they are never going to leave. And if that's the dynamic, then we enter some really unhealthy toxic cycles with them because I I'm always on the attack. I'm always on the defense and I really unable to tolerate. A difficult conversation or hearing feedback that might be difficult to hear. So these are really things for you to consider. Number eight pointing the finger. Ooh. So, uh, I'm kind of like pausing at this one because this is something that I speak with clients a heck of a lot. And I think a lot of clients of mine get really uncomfortable about me saying that this is a toxic trait. And they get uncomfortable became is the reason why that pointing the finger is pointing the finger at that partner because they believe that that partner is to blame or they believe that that partner is the source of their pain. So they've had an argument or they feel like they've been betrayed by their partner. So something has happened and so that wanting to point the finger and they believe that if they don't point the finger, then it's in justice that they have not been heard. They have not been listened to. My response to this is you have been hurt. I am not dancing. That's all you have absolutely been heads. And sure your partner may have done something that is not aligned with your values. It's not aligned with what it is that you want or what it is that you need in a partnership. And that would have been really, really hurtful. But if you're always pointing the finger. It also means that you are spending less energy in terms of how it is that you yourself can heal how it is that you yourself can take on responsibility for what you need and what you deserve in order to progress in order to move forward with your life. And actually, if you're doing that, Then you're able to succeed a lot more and you're able to see the relationship for what it is you're able to see and make a decision for what it is that you want in a relationship. Whereas if you're always pointing the finger, then guess what? You're always blaming. And you're more likely to remain in that state of blame persecution, your partner, but also remaining of EXIM yourself. And if you're a victim, if you're always a victim. How are you ever going to get empowered? And so it's really about acknowledging the pain, but also acknowledging how it is that you can move out of the pain. Now number nine. If you all, somebody who puts in distance when things get ugly or when things get difficult or when things get. Vulnerable emotionally. So what do I mean by this? Well, Let's say, for example, that's been an argument with your partner. Or they've done something and you're not so happy about it. To avoid. Those conversations to avoid telling your partner, Hey, you know what? You really upset me here. That can be really harmful because guess what? They either don't know, or they might know. And then believe that it's so K and actually that you have all of a sudden gotten on board with whatever it is that they're doing. And so I, the way. It ends up happening again and again, and again. And then you get subjected to the pain again and again and again, and then you become more and more frustrated, and you're hoping that your partner can read your mind and somehow. Magically change or be different or save you or admit their wrongdoings, whatever it is. But it doesn't happen and it doesn't happen because. You've not said anything. You've not actually taken ownership and made that decision to. Communicate that issue with them. And. The other form of paying in distances. Let's say if they are attempting to pass some things. So let's say we go the other way and something has happened. She knew no partner. And, uh, there's been an injury. They've done something that's really hurt you. They've betrayed you. And then they're trying to take responsibility. They're trying to take ownership. They're trying to change whatever it is. They're trying to repair it essentially. And you then ignore their attempts or you dismiss and you minimize three times. That can be really painful as well. So let's say for example, I had a couple. And there was this issue of infidelity that happened with a couple and understandably, it was really painful. The experience of betrayal was excruciating. And. They they've been trying to work on this for goods two years before I met them. And I remember that some of the arguments that would come up was that the husband would be saying to his wife, I don't know how else I can change this. I don't know how else I can repair this. I don't know what else I need to do to make things better. And what I'm really start to dig in in terms of, you know, what happened after the infidelity, what happened after. You had her. What did you do in terms of trying to repair this? Is this something that you wanted to repair? And the thing that was really coming up was that he was saying every single day, He lived with shame every single day, he looked at her and he felt so injured. And he really struggled to live with himself. He really struggled to set with himself. And he was in that pain. And he tried doing so many different things. So he tried taking them on vacation. He tried getting her like various different gifts. He tried giving her time. He offered various different things. But she was so hurt. She wasn't able to tolerate listening to any of these things or receiving any of his attempts of reparation. And he was in pain, he was struggling. And so he had missed it, obviously what you did, Wilson, healthy Wilson. You know, that. He made a mistake, but at the same time, she really struggled to set. And listen to his request for forgiveness. And so with this. What actually happened was that she was really struggling to see that he was also human, that he also had. Areas that he was not so good at that he also could make mistakes. She really struggled to sit with that and look at that and, and, and really appreciate that she could have. That she was one who is the subtract to, to his mistakes, the injury that he was causing. And so in her mind, what she was really one saying was somebody to fully rescue her for somebody to basically be supermom and to never make any mistakes. And to really, really. Be the path that person. Even though objectively, she knew that nobody's perfect and people make mistakes. At the same time, she really struggled to emotionally set with that. And so in that moment, she really struggled to emotionally recognize that this person recognized his error and that he was remorseful. She just put in a distance lab. And so it was really through. Understanding actually, what was the baggage that she was carrying? What was the historical wounds that she'd been experiencing, that she was subjected to that really caused this pain? And it was only from that moment, then she could actually step into the space of recognizing that. Mistakes happen. And the mistake that occurred, or the infidelity that occurred Wilson actually about her being inadequate or her being not good enough, but it was something to do with a longstanding issue and a problem between the two as a couple within their relationship. And so it was really through actually minimizing that distance and really sitting in the ugly, sitting in that painful emotion, sitting in the vulnerability. That's really where the freedom lies. And finally number 10 of the toxic traits. Ignoring problems. I say this objectively and it sounds really obvious, but emotionally. Somehow it's really hard to do. And, you know, I'll give you an example. So. A lot of people that come to me. Well hope and pray that their partner will see that wrongdoing will really hope and pray that their partner will see that actually they made a mistake that, uh, that really. Upset that the heads by the thing that's happened. You know, whatever it might be, but the sitting there hoping and praying that the. Problem will change in nature. Or, but the partner will acknowledge the problem and therefore resolve it. And they also hope that the problem isn't really a problem, they kind of minimize the significance of ads and they kind of say, oh yeah, but you know what? Like, it's not as bad as this other. Potential, or it's not as bad as this or the thing that my friend is going through. And so whatever is, we're kind of either ignoring or minimizing the difficulty that's happening, or we're hoping that our partner will take charge and they'll be able to like magically resolve an issue. And the problem will no longer be that. But again, All of this is something that we're curating in our own mind. And actually what happens is that we're fueling more and more anxiety. Uh, more and more vulnerability and risk within ourselves. And somehow we create this. Painful situation in our mind, without it ever actually being real. So as an example, If you're ignoring a problem with your partner. Or you're hoping that your partner will see that you've been really hurt by this thing. So you've asked them for something for your birthday. And oh, you've hinted that you really want this thing for your birthday. And they got you something totally different. What might happen in that moment is that you then. Might shrug it off. You might minimize it or you might start curating the story in your head of, oh, they never pay attention to me. They never listened to me. They aren't sheet ignoring me. How dare they, they don't really care. Do they really care about me? I turned, if they love me, I don't know if I'm good enough to be loved. And then all of a sudden you find yourself down this path. Why. You're really questioning yourself. You end up questioning your worth and how good enough you are and actually how loved you are. And, and then we get into this really, really mucky territory. And, you know, some of these issues as well, tap into real problems that we identify in a relationship. But what's so important is that we identify what it is that we're doing and really taking on our own. You know, taking on responsibility for our own actions, really holding ourselves accountable for what it is that we're doing, how it is that we might be fueling some really painful, really harmful relationship dynamics. And so with that in mind, I would absolutely emphasize this idea that sure, not every single person in the world is bad, but again, not every single person in the world is good either. It's really about recognizing elements of these traits or elements of these behaviors that you might be doing and also figuring out actually, what is it that I need to do in order to feel more empowered in order to change in order to be more spiteful towards myself, towards my partner, but also how it is that I want my relationship to really look like. And it's bruised things. That are really going to direct you in terms of what you need to do now. For a healthier and more fulfilling relationship. If you liked this show, please do me three solids first, share it with a friend because if he found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will DT second subscribe so that you never get to miss an episode and third, please rate the show to help other people find life changing content. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, have a healthy and fulfilling relationships. So please help me in my mission.