Am I doing the "right" thing for my relationship? When nothing is improving

Today, we're diving into the complex question: "Am I a good enough partner, and am I doing the right things in my relationship?" This issue arises frequently in my practice, often tangled with skewed perceptions of what constitutes good partnership. Many strive to please their partner, often at the cost of neglecting their own needs or engaging in harmful behaviors.

Short-term actions, aimed at avoiding discomfort or conflict, can lead to long-term dissatisfaction. For example, saying yes to every request to avoid confrontation may lead to resentment over time. Additionally, partners may evolve over time, and understanding this evolution is crucial for maintaining connection.

Effective communication, mentalizing (understanding your partner's perspective), and fostering emotional connection are key components of a healthy relationship. Recognizing when to have difficult conversations, avoiding defensiveness, and taking accountability for one's actions are also vital. Ultimately, the goal is to nurture mutual happiness and growth within the relationship, prioritizing both partners' well-being.

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Uh, hello, friends and welcome back. Today, we all going to be talking about this question. Um, I a good enough partner. Um, I doing the right things and my partnership on actually, these are two separate questions, but they very much get entangled. And so I'm going to be talking about both of them and I'm going to interweave them. This idea of what it is that I am doing as a partner. And how that is reflected in how good enough of a partner I am. And the reason why I'm talking about this is I get this issue. A lot. And in terms of my clinic, In terms of my practice, the number of people that walk in through the door that have this issue, this question of, am I doing the right things? Am I good enough partner? Comes up a lot, but also how people conceptualize. It can sometimes be very skewed and very inaccurate. And we're going to go into a bit more detail about that in just a moment. It's something that I really want to point out. Is that often. We want to believe that we're doing the right thing. We want to believe that we are being the good partner that we all being a good enough partner. And we want to D that we want to believe that simply because we feel like we have given a lot to that person. We are constantly trying to read them. Only string to be psychic and read that mind. Trying to predate that next move, trying to predate what they will like, what they won't like. And we act accordingly. And so particularly if you have been subjected to historical trauma, You might already be on an edge. You might already be very hypervigilant and you all looking out for signs. You're trying to figure out how you'll upon a field spot. You, you might already have a predisposition. Why. You're really scattered about confrontation, your really doing anything in your power to avoid any argument or any difficult conversations, because it feels really uncomfortable. Um, so what you do is you try to avoid obsessing your partner at every possible opportunity, or you try to please them at every possible opportunity. And you say yes to everything that they want. And you also say no to certain things that you want that might be contradictory to what it is that they want. And so you're putting them above yourself. And if you are a people pleaser, if you are a people fix that you are likely to already believe. You all doing a lot for your relationship, you're doing the right things and therefore you should be a good enough partner, right? Like they should see that you're a good enough partner because of how much effort, how much energy you're exerting that you're pouring into this thing. And his, the catch. Sometimes you're doing a lot, but you're not necessarily doing the right thing. All the healthy thing or the thing that would be most beneficial to you. Is an individual. Most beneficial to you in terms of the relationship that you ended up receiving or that you invite into your life, but also not necessarily the most beneficial thing for your partner as well. So, It's almost like you're running. And your running faster and faster and faster. But you're actually on a treadmill and you're not going anywhere. And so you're getting really fed the running, but you're not actually moving and that's ultimately what can happen as well. So it's really about asking all we doing the right thing. That would be helpful and healthy for you for your partner and for the health of the relationship overall. And so I really want to distinguish this Institute, big categories into longterm and short term. Now often when people operate, when people do things, they do things with the short term in mind, and they might not necessarily consider that. Just thinking about the short term, they might actually convince themselves that they're thinking about the longterm. But the reality is. 90 to 95% of the time you are actually thinking about the short term about the immediate. So I'll give you an example. If your partner. Brings up a topic that feels uncomfortable or they bring a per request. You aren't likely to respond by either avoiding the discomfort and just saying yes to whatever is that they need. Or you're likely to please them and go out of your way so that you can make sure that that happy. Uh, I, the way the end-result is that you are actually alleviating immediate discomfort and immediate anxiety that might pop up. So your partner makes her request or something happens. There's an issue. You immediately feel uncomfortable. Your partner feels uncomfortable. And you are essentially trying to avoid that discomfort. By responding in a particular way. So you say yes or you say no, or, you know, you do whatever it is that needs to be done. But you're alleviating not short term discomfort. And this is all short term actions. And so I'll give you an example. I was talking to one of my clients and he was saying that. With his partner. Um, there was a lot of requests in terms of how they are seen together in public. And because he was very much a people pleaser because he very much wanted to make sure that she was happy and he didn't want to get into any conflict or any difficult conversations. And he was like, you know what, it's not that big of a deal. And it was quite Smiths of over it. But what ended up happening was over time, there was this pattern that was created. Where they had to dress a particular way when they were seen in public. And this was really a gain swell and, you know, he just wants to go out in some sweat pants and a t-shirt right. He was. You're really, really relaxed. Whereas actually she was very adamant that he would go out. In his finest clothing, but they would actually be going out in a suit and, you know, they would be going out to the fanciest restaurants and all this stuff. And, you know, they can afford to do that. Like it wasn't an issue. Um, but then lots of thing. Initially, even though it was a bit uncomfortable for him and it was kind of really not compatible with what it is that you wanted or how he felt. You just didn't know how to respond. And so he just said, oh yeah, shul. Anything you won't dare. And initially it felt okay because he was like, you know, what's not a big deal. It's just something that she wants and it's fine. And I can afford it. So if I said, no, it would be a bit weird if I said no, like why would I be saying that? It would just be creating this really uncomfortable conversation. But, but the thing is, is that he had said yes, initially then said yes, then said, yes. And it gone so far down the line that he could never self-express. He could never actually look or dress or behave the way that he naturally wanted to. And all of that was simply because of the short term gain of not having that difficult conversation of saying, oh, you don't watch really want to wear something that's different to the edge. When I do this all, I just want to go to McDonald's. I don't want to like go anywhere fancy. The gay. That was actually too much of an uncomfortable conversation for him to have that he just went down this route and what was actually happening in that moment. It was that he was so focused in, on the short term gains that you've totally forgot about the longterm objective of that relationship. And actually what that would look like further down the line. And so. Uh, you know, often one way doing things, we're doing things for the short term to alleviate. Difficult emotions, as opposed to thinking about the longterm, how I'm happy, how my partner's happy, how the relationship ends up looking. And so. You know, We are going to go for countless examples, but just as another illustration. And another couple of the I've been working with. The, uh, that they had both been really successful financially as well in terms of that business that works so they could afford to do certain things. Um, but one of the things was that actually the wife. Once a tub, a lot of cosmetic work doing, and that obviously had a price tag attached to it. And even though they can more than afford that. So it would be unusual say no. And the husband would say, well, God, I can't say no to that, because then am I denying her something that she wants and let you know. I can't deny her something, then I would be subjects of the time. Right. If I said, Nerissa her. Wanting this plastic surgery or for her wanting this all art. Then, yeah, I don't want to be the mean person here. And surely I would be good enough if I was supportive enough to say yes, sure. There you can do whatever it is that you want, whatever it is that makes you happy. And even though. That may seem like a sensible rationale to begin with. That you'll simply, or this gentleman for example, was simply saying, yes. Because he wants to support his wife and his wife being happy, whatever it is that she wants to do. However it is that she wants it to look like. It may have been initially supportive, but what happened when they walked in through my door a few years after this, this whole thing started. Was that this dynamic then was created. Why. He always had say yes, he always had to agree even to certain things that was actually quite harmful for hair, but also for the relationship. And so, as opposed to them really looking at well, what was your need for having all of these procedures, ston? How is it that you want, she feel about yourself? How it is that you feel that I feel about you. In terms of, do you think that your husband actually sees you in a negative light, that there's some judgment that you judging yourself potentially, and you're projecting it onto your husband? Like what's actually going on under the surface of all of these procedures. And it was early through that's that we were able to then really start see a shift. But, but the point being is that, that she couldn't get to that stage. And what happened when they walked in through the door. Uh, the wife was so convinced that her husband hated the way that she looked and she was on this hamster wheel, a forever changing her appearance for ever having different cosmetic procedures. And that she had to compete with, you know, the 1820 year olds. Out there. And she wasn't thought she was in her forties. Um, you know, he just became like really mucky territory. Because. They were really focused in, on just putting in a pasta. To just get the short term immediate gains so that they can avoid an uncomfortable conversation. Uncomfortable confrontation, whatever it might be. Um, and also label it as being supportive. But they were doing that as opposed to actually looking at what the long term healthy thing was. And the long-term healthy thing would have been is, well let's really think through what is it about having this cosmetic procedure that would really be life-changing or that you're really looking for? What is the deeper desire behind this thing? And, you know, it's, it's not to say, Hey, you can never have this thing. You can never have the thing that you're requesting. Let's say cosmetic procedure, just because that's something that I'm talking about right now. It's not to say that that has to be fully denied. But it's actually really about understanding the functionality of it because, you know, That's that's where the key lies for us really understanding. Is it really going to be fulfilling for me, for you for the long term of our relationship? And that requires a really uncomfortable conversation that requires a lot of thought and a lot of hard work and, you know, yeah, sure. Maybe he wants to invite a professional into the room of clinician. Uh, to, to really help you think this through. But it is something that needs to be attended to. Um, because you know, often people want to operate with whatever is brought up to the surface and what's brought up to the surface, our immediate emotions, which tends to be anxiety and fair. And if we're operating from that place, we just want to do anything possible to get rid of those emotions. And so we are basically in a lower version. Of fight or flight. And we are wanting to exit that cycle, wanting to exit those emotions so that we can feel. Happier about all selves. So if we're thinking about lot vain, You know, I really want you to consider. Actually how much am I really thinking in depth here? And I've got a few points, um, six to be precise actually about how it is that you can figure out if you are doing the right thing for your relationship. Number one. All you truly committed to your happiness, your partner's happiness and the happiness of your relationship. All you truly committed sweats. And what am I asking you? This question? I'm also asking you. If you're really committed, then it will say means all you committed to having those hard conversations when they come up. All you committed to you recognizing that instinctual anxiety or that instinctual fear that might come up in you. Put it to one side because your commitment to the health of the relationship is just that much greater than that. I'm society. That fair response. That is something that you really need to consider because true commitment would mean. Yeah, I have to do the hard stuff. Like the actual halt stuff. And not the hard stuff that I've labeled as hard. The I've created the, I believe that I need to do. And therefore that is the hard thing. Not those things. But the actual hard stuff that would require me to take action. And invite somebody else into a conversation that might feel a bit exposing. Am I feel confrontational, but am I willing to do those things? Not symbol. One second thing is I'm I going to be defensive in this conversation? Is there a risk of me entering defense mode? And how can I step out of thought? Zone. And. As humans, we often have this desire to be right, to at least preserve ourselves in some way securely. If we feel like we're going to be attacked. And not truly will want to enter defense mode and you know what, that's natural that we want to defend ourselves. But sometimes. We defend ourselves with a story that we have created in our mind, and it is not the truth. And so we become really defensive before the attack ever begins. For example. If I. Was, uh, let's say I'm going to go about to this couple, just as an example, if I was somebody who, uh, was having a lot of cosmetic procedures, And I was doing this because I wanted to look good. And actually I was really scared that I didn't look good or that I was being negatively, viewed, negatively judged, worried about my husband, what he thought of me. They'll say pharmacy, not person. And then my husband says to me, Hey, you sure you want to have this cosmetic procedure? Let you know if you're. I don't think it's enough. Now, if they say something like that, I am likely to jump on the defensive and be like, why are you stopping me? I clearly need this thing doing, can you not see how much better my life would be? How much more confident I would feel if I had this thing? So I'm likely to jump into defense. But guess what? I've already jumped into defense before my husband's even a taught me like what my husband would have said in that moment is, are you sure you want to continue this? Have you not had enough? Which. In itself, that's not actually an attack that's feedback. That's the question they're inviting me into a difficult conversation what's happening in that moment is that I'm responding from a place of fear from a place of anxiety. And therefore I am already on the defense. There has not actually been an attack and it's not, it could have been my husband saying to me, Hey, you still look awful. That would have been an attack. All saying, oh, you're so stupid for wanting this. That would have been an attack. And therefore I can, in those moments, sure. I can defend myself or stand up for myself or, you know, try to. Work things through. But it's really about questioning. Am I being defensive? Because I have already got this preconception, this judgment that I have on myself. And I've just placed all my husband. I assumed that that the person who's going to respond to me in this particular way. So I better get on the defensive before they judge me. Number three. Accountability and responsibility. Are you willing to hold yourself accountable? For having some of these difficult conversations. For having some of these actions have been agreed upon that, you know, are uncomfortable. So you might really jump to wanting to rescue your partner to wanting to. Validate them in an excessive way. Like sure. Validation is really important, but you know, let's say that you are literally wanting to do everything for them. Let's say you're the type of person who can't tolerate it's hall. A difficult conversation or senior partner upset. You know, whatever it might be. And you've both agreed that actually the long-term helpful thing would be to empower your partner, therap sat. And so it might not be too excessively validate them, but it would be to validate them, but then also direct them to how it is that they can also empower themselves. Let's say that was something that was agreed upon. Then actually all you holding yourself accountable, Tetons. Or are you noticing yourself jumping into rescue mode that you're putting on your superhero Cape, and you're doing everything for your partner. Let's talk about accountability and responsibility, because that is so, so key. You know, when we're talking about responsibility. It's also recognizing actually I'm I responsible for. Upholding the values that my partner has, the values that I have for a relationship. I'm I really acting in line with what is important. Am I also being responsible for how it is that I've impacted my partner? How it is that I am treating myself in this relationship. So the responsibility. And taking accountability is absolutely key. It's vital. And it goes across the board in so many different elements and dynamics of the relationship. Number. Full. All you always lending about your partner. I know this might seem like a bit of an odd one. And it's something that people kind of questioned me about, but the truth is the day that you met your partner day, one is very different today. 10,000. Things change over time, your partner is going to change over time on. So they showed unsocial. Would you, if you are living in a realm, why you all wanting to live in the past or you're wanting your partner to be exactly who they were when you guys met or you're wanting to revert back to day one, you're wanting to. You know, or whatever it is, but basically you're wanting to go back to how things were, which is a phrase. I hear a lot. That in itself is a red flag. That in itself is very, very telling because it's saying that you're really uncomfortable with what the reality is. And so you're hoping to live in this imagined. Vision of what the relationship was. And what happens in that moment is that you stop learning about your partner. You stop making a conscious effort of understanding how they've evolved, because they would have evolved over time. And they should have evolved over time. And that's simply because time passes, they have different experiences in life. They have different perceptions in life. They're learning new things and same grease view as well. So he's really considering, um, I'm always learning about my partner and watching that evolution and. I am I okay with that? How do I view that evolution? How does that. Fit with me and my evolution, all. We aren't Chez growing together, down this path of life. Or are we growing apart? And that in itself will give you so much information because then you'll really able to consider. Who they all, what they like, how they've changed, how they've matured, how they've grown. And you'll likely to learn so much more by observing them and by learning about them, you'll likely to learn more about yourself. And that in itself is huge. It's key. And your perception of them and the relationship and what's possible for you. We'll also grow. Number five. Talking about mental icing. With your partner. Now, what is monthlies? Sizing. When sizing is essentially saying. I understand that my partner has a different viewpoint, that they have different thoughts and experiences going on inside of their mind. And they differ to what it is that I have. So I know that you know, something, and I know that I don't necessarily know the thing that, you know, And it's through really stepping out of our own head. With what it is that we know and consider that there is potentially something that we don't know. There's another reality. There's another perception. There's another vision out there that we have no familiarity of. And the moment that we do dance, then we can try to step into that perception. And so that field, what it is that they're seeing. And so they might have a completely different vantage point of the same situation that we've got. But then we can start to ask some questions. So we'll, how did you see the situation and how did I come across in this Raven? And how did you feel about my response? Uh, and even Lou, you know, particularly if you've had a lot of arguments that might feel like a really difficult conversation to begin with, and your partner might feel a bit on edge being fully honest, let's say you've upset them or hurt. They might feel really worried about saying, Hey, you really upset me. Particularly if you know, confrontation feels like a dangerous thing. But actually the more that you do this and the more that you set, the parameters that this has to be a safe territory. This has to be a safe conversation. That is no attack. There is no defense. I am simply wanting to understand your perception. And I am no longer who I am. I am literally stepping out of my own body, stepping out my own has. To enter yours to understand your vision. That's when we can start to really shift our perspectives. And that's when we can really empathize with somebody and, you know, we can learn more about how is that they see ourselves. And in that moment, we might disagree. So. An incident might have happened. Your partner might be really upset by a response that you did or hard. And the thing is, is that you might not have intended to upset them. It might not have, you know, been in that way. So you might disagree with them, but you have to agree that that is their reality. And actually you did something and it impacted them in that way. So it's never about denying the impact. The intent might be different. So you might have a different intention of, Hey, you know what. I was intending. I'm making sure that other people thought I was intelligent. I never had the intention of making you appear stupid, but the impact was the way that I behaved you felt like I was trying to be condescending. Right. That might be an example. And so the impact is very real and not something that we have to sit with. And again, that might feel really uncomfortable. I'm going to go back to my, uh, point number two, about defensive all we able to step out of our own way in terms of being defensive, just so that we can sit with our partner in their feedback. But it's really about mentalizing and really understanding whether the person's perspective is. And, you know, after a while, we can also invite them into our perspective and us some, two months. Size from our position. And the final point number six. Connection. I am talking about emotional and mental connection. I'm not just talking about. Physically being in the same space as one another. I'm not talking about, Hey, um, make sure that you're watching Netflix every night together, that isn't not at all what I'm talking about. And actually that is the least amount of effort that you can give somebody else watching TV with them. I'm talking about really seeing them really seeing that vulnerability, reeling, seeing their emotional experiences and really reaching out and making a bid in those moments. So, you know, this research by the Gotham Institute, why. It shows that if people. All. On the brink of separation. Or if people do separate. 80% of the time. The reason why they separate is because of lack of connection, which is a huge proportion. So if you're not connecting, that is the reason is. You know, if you're not happy with each other, if you are wanting to separate your wanting to divorce, it's because you're not connecting. And so, you know, connection might be something as simple as. Your partner comes home from work. They sat on the couch and they saw, and then I like, oh, All my seemed like a small thing, but you know what, in that moment, you can make an effort to connect with them and say, Hey. The things. Okay. What's going on. And they might say, yeah, I know it's fine. You know, and they might be really dismissive of that. But then you can sit next to them and you can say, no, really? Like I'm getting a sense that you're upset or you're stressed, or, you know, you might not know even how they're feeling. You might take a guess on it. And that's okay, because if you take out Assata and you got it wrong, that's fine, but I'm going to correct you. Um, and actually spot a few to take a guest than to just avoid that conversation completely. But the moment that you open up a lot, Dory, you just sit with them and you say, Hey. What's going on. I'm getting the sunset. You not happy. I'm getting a sense. The. You're exhausted. Then your opening the door for them to have a conversation. And that's the door really? To having a moment of connection. And that is absolutely crucial because the more that you can do that, and the more that your partner can also receive those attempts of you connecting. The moon. Fulfilling your relationship would be. And actually the more you experience each other as a whole, there is small emotional and mental intimacy there, which is absolutely key. If you liked this show, please do me three solids first, share it with a friend because if he found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will DT second subscribe so that you never get to miss an episode and third, please rate the show to help other people find life changing content. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, have a healthy and fulfilling relationships. So please help me in my mission.