What it means to be a man in your relationship (modern day 2024)

In this episode, we're diving into the complex topic of what it means to be a man, especially in 2024. You might think it's straightforward, but with all the mixed messages out there, it's anything but easy. Men often feel lost in a sea of conflicting expectations: be emotional, be strong, be a provider, but also be sensitive. It's like they're searching for an instruction manual in a world filled with contradictory messages.

Historically, men have been taught to suppress their emotions, leading to difficulties in expressing themselves and understanding their own feelings. This limited emotional range often results in either shutting down or resorting to aggression, causing strain in relationships. Women, on the other hand, may feel emotionally neglected or misunderstood, leading to frustration and distance.

This emotional disconnect can have serious consequences, impacting mental health and overall well-being. Men may turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms like substance abuse or risky behavior to avoid facing their emotions. But ignoring these emotional needs only exacerbates the problem, leading to deeper rifts in relationships.

However, there's hope for change. Younger generations are more open to exploring emotions and breaking free from traditional gender roles. By fostering openness and embracing a balanced blend of masculinity and femininity, we can create healthier relationships and happier lives for everyone involved.

It's not about blaming men or setting unrealistic expectations; it's about fostering connection and understanding. By acknowledging and addressing these emotional needs, we can move towards a more fulfilling and harmonious way of being. So let's embrace openness and strive for a better understanding of ourselves and each other.

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Hello, my friends and welcome back. Today. I'm going to be talking about this issue of what does it mean to be a man? And I can appreciate though, on the surface, this might seem like a bit of an obvious question. Might seem a little bit silly perhaps, because you think, well, men have existed for a long time now. And actually there were male species across the animal kingdom. But the reason why I'm talking about this is because of how confusing. It actually is to be a man, particularly in 2024. I don't think there's ever been a time in history. Why we have received so many mixed messages that men should be perhaps a bit more emotional or a bit stronger or should be the provider, or should take the back seat. And. Yeah, I think society has been bombarded by so many different messages and I've had so many different men clients and potential clients coming to me saying, I literally don't know what to do. I try to be provider, but that doesn't seem to be the right thing. I tried to be more attentive, but then that doesn't seem to be the right thing. And so what do I do? What is going on here? And primarily it's almost like these men are looking for an instruction manual. They feel really, really lost in this. Marriott. Of messages. And so it's really to break it down now. I'm going to be talking about a few different things. And some of these issues I'm going to be talking about might be triggering for some man. So I just want to put out there is caveat there. If you need to pause, if you need to stop listening to this recording, that's absolutely fine. Just please pay attention to what it is that you need to do. And of course, if you want to reach out, please do. Now. Let's talk about what it means to be Amman. Traditionally, we have been brought up in the society whap. Men need to be masculine, that they all the providers, that they are, the people who bring home the money they go to work and they are strong. They all that to protect the wife, the partner, the kids, they are meant to be the pillar of strength and they are meant to hold everything together. However, what we've seen being really, really problematic is that actually that way of being has created so many problems in so many other areas and they've been secondary problems. From being so masculine. And it's affected them in terms of their relationship in terms of the mental health and in terms of their lifestyle. So let's talk about that general mental health and what we know is that historically. Men have really struggled to talk about their emotions and not simply because they have been geared from such a young age. To not talk about their emotions. Boys. Don't cry. That's a really common phrase. And so men get brought up in this way of actually you have to be really strong and they don't learn that emotions are a range. They don't learn how to navigate emotions. They actually learned to either shut down completely. Or to enter a aggressive mode. And so you get one extreme and all the other. And you can imagine that even though. This might be an easy way of developing your emotional intelligence. FYI. This is not emotional intelligence, but it's a lot easier to recognize. Okay. I just need to do two things. I either shut down emotions completely. Don't have to look at it or I go into immediate aggression mode. That that might be an easy form of understanding emotions in terms of detecting what's going on inside. And how is I express it or not? The man that might be, you know, quite an easy manual to follow. However, you can imagine what consequences that would have. So what we had in society is that men would operate with this very, very limited way of being emotionally, either shut down or enter aggression mode. And so in a relationship. That partners would feel either shut down because actually that partner. The mail isn't saying anything, isn't doing anything isn't emotionally connected. And so they would either feel shut down that they're not able to express something because they might, you know, the I'm talking about. Very generally here in terms of heterosexual forms of relationships. But let's say if the female was saying. That she was really struggling that she wanted cash. She wanted love Schultz attention that she wasn't so happy or she wanted to connect a bit more. If the female was expressing something like this. The guy would be like, what the hell are you talking about? And would immediately shut that down because it's not in his repertoire. His repertoire is either blank or aggression. That's it? And so for a female, you can imagine how frustrating that is. And so she would end up feeling really, really shut down. She, she doesn't have an avenue, a way of expressing herself a way of connecting to another human being. Or a way of feeling sincerely loved. And she might recognize that he loves her because he does set and things. For example, he provides and he protects and he does. You know, all the traditional masculine things, but. She doesn't feel emotionally loved. So she feels practically loved. She feels functionally loved because all of the function, all of the practicalities. All of the physical needs are met, but the emotional needs are missing. And something really important to note here is that we have known even, you know, going back to let's say the 60 seventies, like we've known. That. Psychological needs emotional needs are just as important as fiscal needs. So the need of receiving love as a human being. Is just as important as the need of receiving food as shelter. And some people might argue with me on this one, but we have scientific data that absolutely evidences. Us and the states has been around for generations. And you know, what the state also shows is that if we do not get our emotional needs met, We physically deteriorate the cellular structure of our body changes that our baseline stress levels increases and that can have a whole heap of effects. For example, we can have more heart problems. We can be more prone to illnesses also mean to Caesars. Even cancer. Like it has a huge ripple effect. And, you know, We even see it in infants or babies, newborns. If they're not receiving that. Need for being loved on an emotional level. If they're not receiving touch, they can physically die. So this is really, really to be taken seriously. And so now that we knew the stuff, we have the stator, but actually what does it mean as adults? Right? So you have this adult relationship. You've got a man who is being a mom's man and his repertoire is you shut down or you go into aggression mode because there's no in between. And so in terms of the partner, the wife, the female girlfriend, whoever is, but she would then either feel shut down that she's not able to communicate because she might try to communicate, but she's communicating with essentially what seems like a blank wall. That seems like somebody who isn't able to understand or able to receive the message that she's trying to give. He might physically be there, but he's not emotionally or mentally that. And so she stops communicating these things. And so she might withdraw, she might then go off and communicate more with her girlfriends, with female members of her family, friends, whoever is there, but she goes, and she finds other avenues. And that's because she's actually been brought up with a framework that that is more of a repertoire of emotions and that's okay. Right. So, so she's kind of more open to that. And if we will too. To look back to the male side. Well, if men are operating from this perspective of you're either shut down or you go into aggression mode. You also have to recognize that when they enter into shut down, They enter into shut down whenever they're feeling fearful. Anxious. Shame. Guilt's. A lot of these really difficult emotions, particularly around loneliness. The only time that they enter aggression is if they feel that they have been disrespected. If they feel that they have experienced some kind of injustice and they're wanting to protect themselves or protect their partner, their kids. Whoever it might be, that might be really important to them. And so that's when they enter regression mode and not see early way of expressing anything and typically it's anger. And typically when we're talking about anger, Anger is actually a secondary emotion. Like there's a whole heap of emotions on Durango. So, you know, you might express anger, but actually if you were to root down, most people who feel really angry, they feel really sad underneath the surface. So the anger might be, I want to stand up for myself because I feel like you've done me wrong. But the bit underneath it, that feels sad is I have been done wrong and I've been betrayed. And actually the bit that really hurts is the betrayal is the softness that's associated with the betrayal. And so. Uh, but you know, if you've got a really limited range of emotions, you just go blank and you go aggression. Now, why am I going on about this? Well, The thing is, is that when men are experiencing any form of emotion that isn't specifically related to the issue of wanting to protect or wanting to fund. They shut down. But it doesn't mean that the emotion isn't there, the immersion is that somewhere, but it kind of bubbles under the surface and it bleeds out in so many different ways and ways that he would not be conscious of, or he doesn't recognize the. Impact of it. So I'm sitting here recording this. I can't tell you the number of times that I have met, man. Why by they do this? And they have a really unhealthy outlets. For example, drinking drug use. Or some really overtly sexualized behaviors and all of these things are a huge distraction from what's actually happening under the surface. And that's because they're not able to connect to their emotions. But then what happens is that that partner detects the heart and that essentially creates a huge, huge rupture. And so you go through time whereby you've got a couple. The female is receiving either blank responses or she's receiving aggression because actually he feels like his need hasn't been met. So for example, he's in work all day. He comes home dinner. Isn't ready yet. And so he blows up. And she's like, oh, I just don't know what to do. You're not giving me anything from Carol compassion from an emotional standpoint, but then you give me a lot of aggression. And so she feels really miserable. She feels unhappy. She might give less and less, particularly from an emotional standpoint. And so you enter the situation where you fast forward time and actually this couple. Become more and more distant. They become more and more emotionally potted. And so. How do we resolve this? Well, you know, Statistics show. That man who've operated from this place who have either been shut down or aggression mode. They have a really high risk of suicidality. And, um, I mean, I'm talking about data in the UK here, but it's very similar in the Western world. Whereby suicide is the highest killer of men under the age of 50. And we've seen that it kills around about 23, 24 men in a hundred thousand. And so. Uh, when we're looking at numbers like that is huge and it is seven times more than women who pass from suicidality. So it's, it's a huge, huge thing that we really need to pay attention to. And so, you know, that that was kind of one of the triggers that started the shift in terms of getting men to be more emotionally connected. So that they can talk more, that they are able to look at that mental health and not experience so much shame around it. So actually they are able to act through some of these problems and. What we see with this, particularly in millennials, particularly in generation Z, which I think by the way is going to be amazing. Um, is that men have been a lot more open. They've been a lot more receptive. And actually that wellbeing, the mental health is a fallback. So for example, if you're looking at rates of drinking of drug use so much slower, like a w I mean, what talking fraction of what it was a spot 25% of what it was. So. This is huge in terms of the impacts that it's having. And so it shows that men are starting to develop. Other ways of processing emotions are actually starting to develop this repertoire, understanding emotions. Uh, as opposed to the extreme ones. But then it's bringing up this question of, well, what the hell do I do here? Like, I'm still really confused about all of this. And so when we're talking specifically about relationships, That is a lot of development. And I think both from the women and the men standpoint, and I'm talking very much. Hef about heterosexual relationships. Um, but you know, some of these messages could be applied for homosexual relationships or, or other forms of configurations as well. But ultimately. Policy of the reason why female, who is. Females have been surface straighted for such a long time. And it's because they feel like they've been shut down in a relationship. Or they've experienced a lot of aggression and then that's led to abuse. And so actually, even though it might've been on a subtle level or a level whereby people weren't really detecting it, but trauma bonded relationships and their formats have existed for. Decades. They really, really have, and it wasn't detected. Women did not recognize us. Men did not recognize us. So both the victim and the aggressor, the abuser did not recognize us. And it's simply because that is the way that men were taught to deal with their emotions. Like there was nothing else in between. So men either provided, provided, provided, which, you know, might have felt really nice that might've been part of the love bombing stage. But then they would also enter aggression mode. And so it might not be exactly in the seven stages, four months that we know the trauma bonded cycle to be, but there are huge elements that are very significant and very much related to that process. And so what's happened. Now is that women have been surface straighted if either not be feeling hatted or feeling abused and attacked. That they were screaming out for change. They might not have known exactly what the change would have been or what exactly they wanted, but they knew they needed change. They wanted something to be different. They wanted the partners to be different. They wanted to have fulfilling relationships. And so now when you're looking at younger generations, millennials, gen Z, That rates of relationship success is. Far higher. And I know that this generation, you know, we, we actually need some monitor them now for like the next 20, 30 years, just to see the longevity of the relationship. But. What we actually see is that, that able to look at relationships with a lot more clarity, they're able to assess certain things a lot better, and they're really able to see all, we actually a really good match here. And there's a lot more openness. There's a lot less of a need for defensiveness, and there's a lot more collaboration. So I'm going to be. Talking about these in a bit more detail. But. I just really want to highlight that as much as it might feel really confusing to be a mom right now. They're all, a lot of data out there that shows that actually we are. Having the right direction. But we really need to consider what it is that we're looking at here. And so for men who are listening to this and he was saying, oh, I really don't know what it's like to be a man or why it needs to be doing. I think one of the biggest things to hold in mind is that it's not about blaming men for what they have been like or what they should be. Like. It's not about an attack on man. It's not all about a rejection on man. Or having unrealistic expectations on them. That is not all what it's about. What it is about is a request for gaining connection. That is a. That's the baseline of that. However, because that in itself might feel really confusing. And so we end up with all of these different interpretations and different messages and, you know, And. And I think on social media, particularly, it can be really unhealthy because whoever you see on your screen is the person who screams the loudest, right? So sometimes you get really unhealthy messages, but you only see it because that's screaming so loud. Um, do you know, there's issues with the algorithm and all the rest of it, but let's stick in, in terms of what we are actually moving towards and what would be a healthy shift in terms of. Masculinity. And what masculinity and femininity are really about. And here, I just want to pause and say that. If you take anything to an extreme end. It is going to be bad. Like if you take anything in life to an extreme and it will be bad. So if you want extremely masculine or extremely feminine, either end. Isn't so great. Life is made up of yang in the, on the has to be both. There has to be a blend of the chair and we have to figure out which one do we lean into more? And so it's almost like if you think about yourself walking. And you might not really recognize us because you so good at walking and you've been walking for a long time now, so you don't really pay attention, but every single time you walk, can you take a step forward with your right foot? Your body has to readjust its balance. And it's very subtle movements, but it leans a little bit more and you'll hit Pullins a little bit more in a particular way. And when you move your left foot, Then you lean differently on the opposite side and you go back and forth, back and forth. And so even that in itself shows that actually we have to develop a scale why we need to. Recognize which parts of us, we need to lean into more and what is more needed because let's say if you are always leaning to the right. And you're trying to walk straight ahead. That can be really problematic. And I know I'm talking here really. I'm referring to people who do not have any medical conditions or physical health conditions. So let's begin what. What do you, we need to be looking at. Well, one of the faxes really that would be combining this blend of masculinity and femininity is really having openness now. Uh, I know openness seems to be like a buzzword. It's something that we all want to be in. We all love the idea of however, the execution of it is actually really, really tough. And I think a lot of us fall into this Trump of. Wanting to believe that we all open. But we don't actually behave in such a way. We actually entered defense mode. So we become really defensive. In mercy to different types of occasions. The first one is if we perceive we all going to be attacked. So we believe that the person in front of us is going to say something bad about us. And we might believe it based on historical experiences, either with that person or our own personal history. If we feel like we've never been allowed to express ourselves in a particular way, or we weren't allowed to be a particular way. We enter defense mode and we do this more from a self-preservation. Standpoint. Um, but then the, all the form of defense comes about when we have actually been attacked. So it's either the perception that we'll be attacked or the. Actual reality of being attacked now. When we all being attacked. It makes sense for us to defend ourselves, right? Because somebody is coming at us and we put our shield up because we're not wanting to be injured. We're wanting to protect ourselves. The problem is. When we defend ourselves before the attack ever happens, we just believe that the attack may happen. And that's when things get really harmful on this is something that a lot of us do. And so our brain is very intelligent and the way that it's designed and that we all get opera to pick on cues that are signs of threats. And so for instance, if we have been injured previously by something, or if we have got our own personal traumas, whether it be big T or little T traumas, And our history says. That is something about me. The other people don't like the other people shoot down. The other people will criticize the other people will judge. And therefore I need to preserve myself in some way. And it's really the ego in operation and the ego's really trying to protect itself. It's trying to protect you and preserve your sense of worth. And so all of this stuff is based on historical traumas, but it leaves imprints within our brain and within our genetic coding. And so what happens is that throughout life, when we enter a similar topic, Of discussion let's say, or we enter a similar situation with our partner. And it has some kind of connection or some kind of thread way, something that has previously really injured us. We all going to already be in defense mode without actually hearing our partner or what it is that they have to say or what their thoughts are. Eh, they may never actually be an attack. But what happens in that moment is that we really avoid letting the opportunity that our partner is accepting of us just the way that we are, because we become so defensive. So I'll give you an example, just to really illustrate this. I was working with a couple. And one of the problems that the couple was having was that the gentleman. The husband, he was really struggling, waive his sense of worth, and he was really struggling. Because even though he was really successful in terms of his business and his career. And everybody could see that he was successful. He was brought up in an environment in a household, why he was good for success. So he had a lot of really harsh messages from his parents. If he did not succeed, the family would hold so much shame. That it would be really, really unhealthy for his staff, that he has started invested so much in him. And how dare you not succeed or work every hour under the sun. And. Entering. So the, well, he was a boy at the time, but you know, grew up to be a mom. Now husband sat right in front of me and he was really in distress saying. I don't know when to stop. And I'm really frightened that I'm not doing good enough, even though he can objectively see that he has succeeded and he has. Been able to even exceed any expectations or any demands. That anybody had of him. So he's done very, very well on an objective level. However, Emotionally, he was self frightened and he was still in defense mode. If anybody said anything about his work. So because it, because it was a previous trauma for him, It was imprinted somewhere inside of him. And so his ego was very much wrapped around in. I have to achieve otherwise I am worthless. That was ultimately the coding that he had inside of him. And it was very much related to work and his financial status and how he performed. And what was interesting was that in conversations with his partner, She was incredibly proud of him. But at the same time, there'd be certain things that she would say like, oh, I just don't know why you're sending emails at four in the morning. And, you know, that's on an objective level might seem like a reasonable question. Why you sending emails at four in the morning? You don't have to. It's four in the morning, you should actually be asleep and everybody else's asleep. Nobody's going to say anything badly about you for sending emails at four in the morning, but even in that moments, There was this element, a. Oh, my goodness. Do you not think I'm working hard enough? And, and even though she was coming from a space of compassion and wanting to cat and she could, she. She just had very, very good things for him. And she really was thoughtful of him. But at the same time, he just didn't know how to respond to you that he didn't know what to do. And so you was just really struggling with this idea of well, does my wife thinks I'm doing good enough? And any crunk or anything that tapped into his actions around work. Always tucked into the sense of his worth. And so he was immediately in defense mode. And that itself became really problematic because it actually really stunted the ability to have a conversation and it stunted his personal ability to grow. His ability to figure out that actually, if I just recognize that I am being defensive, Hare, And I'm being defensive so much so that I can't even hear what my wife is actually saying. What I am hearing is the voice of my post-trauma. If he was able to get into that space, then he could actually step out of his own way and have a new chance, a new experience to learn something new than actually. He is able to. Find out that he was worthy outside of his work, that it had nothing to do with his work. But actually here, he ended those conversations very abruptly because he was in defense because his ego was screaming out and he just wasn't able to tolerate any conversations around this. And, um, I'm talking about specific example, hereby. You know, it's the same pattern that's repeated in so many different environments. So for example, it might be. I'm ashamed about my body weights or I've had issues about my body weight. And then my partner says something about what I'm dressed in and they might even give me a compliment, but at the same time, I don't hear it as a compliment. I hear it as an attack. And so I go into defense mode, but in that moment, when I'm hearing that attack, It's not actually my partner or the message that they've heard that I've heard in that moment. It's, it's not actually that moment. That I am defending what I am defending is my history, because that's the thing that I'm hearing, because that's the thing that's unresolved and unhealed inside of me. Well, the reason why I'm talking about all of this is because we are always living in the past. So the limbic system, part of our brain that is really responsible and associated with fight or flight responses, and also. Just in terms of, uh, trauma responses as well. Eats does not have a timestamp. So whenever we have experienced historical trauma, even though it might've been five years ago, 10, 20 years ago, 50 years ago, it doesn't actually matter because it does not have a timestamp. So if it's not been resolved, historically it will come up right now. The limbic system is always trying to resolve past traumas and it will do that right now with the partner that you're with. And this in itself is important to recognize because. Your with your partner. You've got your baggage. By the way everybody has baggage. That's normal. That's okay. But you know, you're with your partner, you've got your baggage. You've not actually unpacked your bikes and sorted out those bikes. What's inside of it. And so you enter in this battle with your partner. But actually, it's never about your partner. It's about the bag that you're carrying and that's the thing that emerges to the surface. And so it's really about resolving that. And when you resolve that, you don't have as much of a need to enter defense mode. You because you're not perceiving the aggression. Right. So, like I said before you defend, because you either perceive that there's going to be Russian or you believe it will be that, or it is in fact that, and so. If you believe that it's going to be that. And if you're always believing it's going to be there, then you're always going to be defensive. And so that's really going to stunt your ability to connect with your partner. So one of the things, the beautiful things that I've seen, actually in terms of men surfacing on talking more about their emotions and going to therapy or going into coaching. And, you know, just, just really in terms of their personal development, is that they are able to. Unpack some of those bikes. And they're able to really low at that need for defensiveness, and that has supported them in terms of their relationship to be able to connect with our partners. The other issue as well is really around this thing of contempt. Now historically. We have been, uh, in a society whereby men with the providers, they were the breadwinners. They were the people who a stronger. Protectors all the rest of it. And as much as. That served a function because of the setup of society. So it was very much a survival thing. The problem that it also created was that there was very much a power imbalance. There was a hierarchy that was created within the household, within the relationship. That they would always go to the man, the husband, the father, because they were the provider, they were the protector, they were the strong people. And so it was the man of the household that would always make the decision, but subtly on psychological level, what that would have done is that it would have meant. That women would have felt submissive. They would have felt less powerful. They would have felt helpless in these situations. And that in itself instills this sense of being incapable, being less worthy, being less voluble. Even if the value was in other things like looking after the kids, which by the way I would say is actually an extremely, extremely difficult job. So if you're a parent out there, honestly, hats off to you. But. Now something that's really important for us to consider. And so, and so when we've got a power imbalance within the household or within the relationship. No wonder that's going to be exhausting. Right. And it's going to be exhausting for both people actually for the man, because he's under a lot of pressure to always provide, to always supply, to always be the strong one. And that in itself gets exhausting after awhile. Um, But then also for the female, because she just feels like there's a lot of demands, ironically demands that are also being placed on her in the sense that she is demanded to shut down. She's demanded to be submissive. She's demanding to actually be the quiet one, the slave of the household that just operates and just does what she's told. And so. There were demands on both sides, even though the demands look very different, but they are very, very unhealthy for both people. And so they both feel like the no longer in a partnership that actually in a power. Hierarchy dynamic. And so this issue of cat becomes very, very confusing because then we've got this thing about, well, what is cat is cat the provision or is cat. The emotional stuff. And carries both. And actually we all just fundamentally as human beings, we all need both. We all need fiscal provisions only need emotional provisions as well. And so it's really about taking a step back and really negotiating and really collaborating in terms of what is it that you want and what it is that you expect. Both people, by the way, do this process. What do you want and what do you expect in a relationship? And it's also figuring out what is a workable. And what is compatible now? If I was to tell you about what is workable, it is something that is feasible and that is viable. For example, I have had people coming through my door, why they'll say things like, and I'm kind of laughing just because I know there's, this sounds a bit ridiculous, but they'll say things like, okay, I want a man who is over six foot. He ends over six figures. He has six park. He has this, this and this and this and this. No. I've got a slight hair thinking to myself, you know, He's working really hard and who earns a lot of money, but then he's always at home with the kids and he spends time on vacations and all this stuff. And I'm sorry. They're like, okay. But realistically, how would that happen? How would somebody work? Really, really hard. And also spend a lot of time with the kids. How does that work in the realm of physics let's say, or, you know, the 24 hour. Clock system that we have, like how, how does that work? And so it's really considering what is workable. And actually when we really start to consider that, then we consider what it is that we prioritize. So are we prioritizing somebody with a work ethic? Or are we prioritizing the number and the balance, or are we prioritizing the connection with the family or are we pre. Prioritizing the time. So you know that there, there is subtle things that we really need to consider, but these things all so important because they will ultimately have an impact in terms of how it is that we relate to the other person. But also how it is that we see that. Our expectations. Actually Masa, but also how our expectations can be harmful or they can be helpful. And so, you know, whenever we answer relationships, we do have expectations. That is okay. That is normal. That's how the brain works. It's not about not having expectations. But it's about figuring out are your expectations workable? And then it's also thinking about what is compatible. Now, I'm not talking about a lined, I'm talking about compatible because you know, some people will talk about all, well, you need to be aligned with your partner, but that is rarely going to ever be the case, by the way. So alignment would be that you would both have to think the same exact things and have to agree the same exact things all the time have exactly the same hobbies. Want the same things. Like, you know, you all basically the same person, right? Um, and if that is the case, actually, you're going to get really bored really quickly. You're going to get really frustrated really quickly because all of the things that you dislike. And you get frustrated about in yourself. You'll going to get irritated with them on that screen to remind you of yourself. And it's going to get really messy. So, so. That in itself doesn't happen. But. W what compatibility is about is well, I like adventure. You like adventure. I might like skydiving. You might like. Mountain climbing. The different things, but I can try out a bit of yours and you can try out a bit of mine. And so there's, there's something where actually there's some kind of shared space or there's a shared value, even if it is different. Or it might be. I like adventure. I want to skydive. You like staying at home and reading a book by the fire. Both through Quebec for great. Um, you're not going to share my space and I'm not getting shale space. Like we've already gone in knowing that, and the key here is that we all both okay with that, that actually, I love you so much, and I appreciate you so much for what it is that you like and what you value that I don't want you to change. I just want you to stay exactly how you are, because I appreciate how you all and vice versa. And that's why. We actually remain compatible. It's the acceptance of the other person in terms of their position, what it is that they do. And like, and dislike and, and she, the respect. For each other on their differences. That's what is really important and that's the thing that's going to help you survive the long-term relationship. So going back to this thing about, well, what is it to be a man? It's confusing. I'm not going to lie, particularly if we're going from, you know, the historical definition to what we're actually moving towards now. But the biggest thing really to consider is actually how do we resolve. Our own historical trauma, our own baggage. Because everybody's got baggage and that's okay. That's okay to say that you don't. Is also to be in denial. There is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting that you have by gauge. We all do so please just seek out somebody for support, for assistance, for help, for therapy, for coaching or whatever it is that feels right for you. But we need to resolve that. And the second thing really is what is it that would create a genuinely fulfilling on meaningful life. And so it's relationships are so important to us just as human beings, they nurture us, they nourish us, they help us grow just in terms of our wellbeing, our psychology, even our physiology. And so it's really considering, well, thought's the case then connection is so, so important. And so. I would have to be able to connect with myself. In order for me to even have the opportunity to be able to connect with another human being. And that is really the key that is really the growth. That we are needing in society as human beings. If you liked this show, please do me three solids first, share it with a friend because if he found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will DT second subscribe so that you never get to miss an episode and third, please rate the show to help other people find life changing content. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, have a healthy and fulfilling relationships. So please help me in my mission.