Playing the victim. It hurts when you're hurt, but being a victim hurts even more

Today's discussion is going to delve into a tough topic, but it's crucial for understanding. I've personally experienced hurt from my partner, and I yearn for them to acknowledge my pain, apologize, and grasp the impact of their actions. This sentiment resonates widely, whether in ongoing relationships or after a breakup.

When we've been criticized, lied to, manipulated, or betrayed, it cuts deep, leaving us in agony. We seek validation, yearning for our suffering to be seen and recognized. This craving for acknowledgment stems from pouring our heart and soul into the relationship, only to be knocked down.

But here's the kicker: by fixating on our partner's validation, we inadvertently diminish our own pain. We grant them power over our emotions, waiting for an apology to affirm our suffering's validity. However, our pain is inherently valid, irrespective of external validation.

In relationships with narcissistic traits, awaiting apologies can be futile. These individuals struggle to empathize and may never acknowledge our pain. Even if they apologize, the sincerity is questionable. So, while momentary validation might soothe, it's fleeting.

Instead of clinging to external validation, we must validate our own emotions. By recognizing our pain's validity, we empower ourselves, paving the way for clearer relationship dynamics. Through honest communication and mutual understanding, we can address grievances and seek workable solutions.

Creating a safe space for dialogue allows both partners to express their perspectives without blame. Focusing on actions rather than labeling individuals fosters understanding and facilitates constructive resolutions. Ultimately, validating our own suffering enables us to set boundaries and navigate relationships with clarity and self-respect.

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Hello, friends and welcome back. Oh boy. Now this is going to be a bit of a difficult discussion, but I think it's something really important for strict knowledge. I have been hurt by my partner. And I want them to see that I am suffering. I want them to apologize to me. I want them to recognize their mistake, their wrongdoing. And I really want them to say here. And see the pain that they've caused. I get this message a lot from couples, from individuals on it could be in different contexts. So it could be that the couple is still together. And their partner has done something hurtful. Like they've criticized them. They've lied to them. They've manipulated them. They've betrayed them. And you know, these are really injuring things. Or it could be. Something happened. And then the couple broke up. And your wanting your acts to see what pain they've caused, what suffering they've caused for you and your essentially wanting an apology. And. The thing is with all of these experiences that you've had when you've been hurt, when you've been betrayed, when you've been gaslights, when you've been manipulated, criticized, judged, neglected, ignored, stonewalled. All of these things are excruciating. They really are. And you are suffering. Absolutely all. One of the problems that I see when people enter this realm of, I want my partner to see that I'm suffering. Is that we're really tapping into this issue of validation. And I get it because on one hand, your wanting acknowledgement. You're basically saying, I want you to see me. I want you to see the damage that you've caused. I want you to see that I have been here this whole time and I was giving, I was pouring. I was doing. I was giving you my all my time, my energy, my love, my cam, my attention. I was pouring into this relationship as much as possible. And this is the comeback that I get. This is the malicious treatment that I receive and I give and give and give. And then you just knocked me down. And so ultimately I get it. Your you're wanting your partner to see that suffering. And when people talk about this, that essentially wanting to be seen, they're wanting to be heard. They're wanting to be validated. That wanting to know that that efforts in the relationship didn't go in vain. That actually it meant something that they meant something. And all of this makes absolute perfect sense. And here's the thing that I always say to my clients. Your pain has always mattered. It has always mattered. And you as a human being. You have always mattered. However for you to wait here. Hoping and praying that your partner. Current or acts. We'll see your suffering. And we'll somehow miraculously change either become really remorseful or. Uh, wanting to change something or they might apologize whatever it is, but if you're sat that hooping and praying that that is what they'll do. And you're stuck in that space. The problem is. You are. Inadvertently. Invalidating your own pain. Subconsciously what's happening is that you hope basically saying to yourself, I don't know if my pain is really that valid until this person sees it. And so you've been in this trauma bonded cycle. You've been in this painful relationship and this painful situation and argument you've been betrayed. You've been kicked, you've been punished. You've been criticized. You you've had all of the stuff. And that's absolutely excruciating. And in those moments, that is a very clear power imbalance. That is a very clear hierarchy where they have dominated and you have just ended up being vulnerable. To the dominance you've ended up being submissive. You've ended up being subordinate to you. Them. But actually by waiting. And hoping and praying. And even if you go into demanding mode and you start becoming really aggressive and attacking towards them, regardless of the method that you go, but. If you are essentially holding onto this idea that they have to apologize or they have to see your suffering, you all. Giving them the power. Yes. Again, because for somebody to see you for somebody to say, oh yeah, You know what I did wrong by you? I I'm remorseful. I am sorry. That means that they are admitting liability. They admit that they've done something wrong and you know what, it would be absolutely nice for them to admit it. Sure. It would be absolutely nice for them to be remorseful. It would be really, really nice for them to change their ways. That would be nice. But if it's a demand, if it's a need that you have. Then you're basically saying that they. Are in control and they have the power to say whether or not your pain is valid. Because they're saying yes, I see your pain. I cause that pain. I'm sorry. Sure. It's nice, but is it necessary? Do you actually need it to know that your pain is valid? And the truth is, is that your pain has always been valid. It's valid, the moment that you experienced that pain, and it's still valid. Now you on your pain have always been valid. But to wait for the apology to validate your pain as well is to also say that your pain is invalid without the apology. And. You know, and. Depending on the relationship dynamics. This can look really, really different, but let's say for example, if you have been in a relationship with somebody with narcissistic tendencies, Or even if they've had Machiavellian tendencies, all psychopathy tendencies. Or they've had the dark triad, right? The dark triad being psychopathy, being Machiavellian, ism, being narcissism or combined. If you've been with somebody who. Experiences lawyers. Traits or who exhibits those traits. You're going to be waiting a heck of a long time. And in part you could be waiting for eternity and you will never get that apology. You will never get that acknowledgement. And. What's worse to be in that position is your in pain. You are suffering. And yet you are constantly questioning is my pain and suffering really being seen. If this person is still not seeing my pain and suffering. And that is awful because then you're perpetually allowing yourself to be invalidated in your pain. And. Within those moments, even if you were in a relationship with somebody, with those characteristics and traits, you know, one of the fundamental features is that they really struggled to emotionally empathize. They're really struggled to get themselves out of their own head out their own body and place themselves in your mind, your body, your emotions. And so they would really struggle anyway, to see the relevance of your pain. It's a lot easier for them to dismiss that pain for them to almost turn a blind eye, to. Or pretend it's not real or even justify. Why they did what they did. And so that just exacerbates the invalidation towards your pain and suffering. And if you've been in a relationship with that type of individual, Then. Even if they did apologize, I would always ask. Dessert apology mean very much. How do you know that the apology means anything? And therefore, do you need that apology? Because aren't, she surely might apologize, but then we actually don't know degree to contact site apology. Because why would anyone apologize to 21? Right. The reason why we apologize is because we feel remorseful, we feel guilty. We all hurt by somebody else's head. And the fact that we've caused that hurt, we recognize the impact of our actions and how detrimental that impact has been on somebody else. Even if we didn't intend on hurting somebody, but recognizing that that in itself is huge. Right. And that's the reason why we apologize. Um, Y the person on the receiving end of the apology appreciates it because there's some deeper connection. There's an emotional recognition and an emotional validation, but there's also the intention of changing and. Reducing or eliminating that happening again. So, so that's when it's really important. But if we're in a relationship with somebody who. Doesn't have that capacity who has narcissistic tendencies, Machiavelli Adams. Um, psychopathy sociopathy, you know what, when, when we're going down this route, it becomes incredibly hard. And even when you all guessing the apologies, it may not mean a lot. And so you might feel momentarily validated, but actually after a little while you'll then be questioning, well, what the hell does that even mean? And, you know, things may change their actions and behaviors might change. Momentarily, but give it a few days, give it a week, give it a month, give it a year, whatever it is. And you'll be back to where you were before. And so. I really urge anyone who is listening to this. If you are experiencing this, that you are suffering and you're wanting them to see your suffering. I would really ask you to just pause and just recognize what function does it have for you? What. What purpose would it have for you if they saw you suffering? Is it because you're wanting them to validate your pain. And if it is, then question is my pain, not already valid. The fact that I feel the pain, the fact that I know that I've been injured. The fact that I know that this behavior, the sanction, the situation has caused me. This much suffering is that not in a facilitation is the airs, because I'm really tapped into that. That's when you can really start to self recognize, but you can also start soft respect, right? And that's when you no longer need the other person, you no longer need that validation from the other person, because you are really leaning into your own truth. And this is huge, right? Because when you're in that space, You can see relationships with a much clearer lens, because then you can figure out, okay, well, this relationship made me feel like this or this individual did this, which made me feel like that. And this is what I'm going to do about it. And there's a you've. You've processed the emotions already around it. And so it might still hurt, but then you can decide with a Clara lens. Do I want to be in this relationship? Do I not want to be in this relationship? And putting in boundaries become a heck of a lot easier. Because of the fact that you've already validated yourself and your emotions and your pain. You can then. Naturally consider what it is that you need. What is a non-negotiable and what is a negotiable. And you are able to fully respect yourself within those boundaries. And so if you experienced that disrespects again, well, actually, You've already been validated because you have that validation inside of you it's insourced. And so you're no longer waiting for somebody to make you feel a particular way. Because you already have thought certainty inside of yourself. And when you have that certainty inside of yourself and you know how you feel about yourself and you have self validated. Those boundaries become a natural consequence. You don't even have to put much cognitive efforts into it. It will naturally emerge in the way that you aren't and you will say. No, just as a very clean, no, there is no negotiation around it, or it could be a very clear yes, whatever is, but, but you just know why the line is. And you can draw that very, very easily. No. Uh, while I was talking about that was really referring to. Uh, really difficult, really painful relationships. Why it feels as though that is no going back, it feels like. Actually the relationship has run its course and it's slightly twinned. But let's look at the flip side of it. So when you are wanting to act three things and actually overall, you're wanting to be together. There are times when you both may struggle, you both may argue something might happen. Um, Um, in those moments, you all wanting them to see you suffering and the struggle that they've caused so that you can be validated so that you can feel appreciated. And so that you can move on. And let's say when you're in that space. So overall you are wanting to stay together. But actually you've been hurt. And you want your partner to this. I would say the same rule supply that actually you need to make sure. What is the function of that apology? What was the function of them seeing you suffer? Is it for the validation? Because if it is that's okay. Right? Like it's not problematic that you're wanting somebody to validate you, but you have to start knowing that you are valid inside of yourself. That is always 0.1. And when you recognize that your own pain and suffering is valid, then it becomes a lot easier to request it from somebody else. And the way that we would really go about lists is through something I call monetizing. So the person of monopolization is why by. I know, I know. And I know what I know is not necessarily what you know, and I don't know what, you know, either. Right. So it's basically to say, I know it's in my head. I know that you have something else in your head, and I know that's actually what's in my head and what's in your head is not necessarily going to be the same. And that's okay. But a lot of us fall into this trap where we assume that our partner and what's in their mind is exactly what's in our mind. And so that's one, we almost. That's the inception of invalidation because. In my head. I know that I am hurt. I know that I'm suffering. And I know that my part of course is suffering. I'm suddenly thinking to myself, why is my partner not seeing this? Because clearly they know. That they've hurt me, but actually even in that moment, they might not necessarily know that they've had me. They might not know. I've necessarily seen what it is, the IC. They actually have a totally different perspective in life. But if I'm not mentally arising, if I'm not really appreciating this idea that I have something different in my mind, which is different to what is in their mind. And there's a gap between us and when not seeing eye to eye, like we do not have the same perspective or same vision. If I don't recognize that. Then I just assume that they know that they've hurt me and they're holding out on the apology and the, the seen me suffer. And they're not acknowledging the fact that they've caused that suffering. And that becomes a really harmful place because that's where a lot of arguments start to emerge where. I've been hurt. I feel invalidated by my partner because I believe that they know this and yet they are choosing to not show me any response to all. To, uh, let me continue on suffering and ignore my suffering. And then I get really angry. I get irritated. I might get aggressive. I might get defensive. I might go into silent mode. But. Either way, it becomes really harmful and really toxic for the relationship. And if you're in this position, something that I would really recommend as I've suggested is this process of And so Elevation is best done in a safe container. So here's a couple of, um, tips that you might want to try out. The safe container would be to say. This is the remit. While we are able to express what's going on for us individually. So I have my time. Um, my time might be 15 minutes. It might be half an hour, might be 20 minutes or whatever it is, but that's the amount of times agreed upon beforehand. And say, this is my time for me to express what's going on for me. And I'm going to talk. And some of these things might be hard to hear. But the purpose of mean talking about this is because I am really committed to the greater good of the relationship to the. Function of the relationship for the relationship to thrive and succeed. This is why I'm having this conversation because I'm actually really committed to the longevity of the relationship. And you would want to get your partner on board as well. And for them to say, You know, a few to ask them. Are you also committed for this relationship to work? And if they say yes, then you could say, okay, great. So sometimes we might have to have difficult conversations. I might have to say something that's hard for you to hear, but I would really appreciate it. If you heard me out till the end. And then we can swap. And so in that moment, When you've got your time. You're 15, 20, 30 minutes, however long it is. You can then express. When you did this. And I would really focus in on the action and not the individual. So when you did acts, it made me feel why. And it would be very much in that structure. When you spoke to another woman. It made me feel really anxious. I was worried that you were wanting X, Y, and Z w whatever it might be, you can fill in the blanks. But the point being is, is that you focusing in on the action and how it is that you feel. And this might be a bit of a subtle point, but I think it's an important one. The reason why I'm talking about action as opposed to the individual is because there is a difference, right? We do certain things, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it is all of us. So for me to say you spoke to another woman. That's some action versus you are very flirtatious and you are very promiscuous. That you can, you can see the different sides, right? Because if I'm already labeling somebody as being really promiscuous or really flirtatious or whatever it might be. Then I'm labeling that characteristics and who they are as a human being. And actually, if we're doing that, Defenses go way up and we then end up in a big argument. Whereas, if I was to say, Uh, one o'clock. I saw you doing. AB and C, which made me feel X, Y, and Zed. Then we can really focus in on the action and we can see, well, actually, when you behaved in this particular way, this is how I saw it. And this is how I felt about it. And in that moment, your partner can then have the opportunity of saying, oh God, you know why I get it your life? If that's what you saw. And that's what you interpreted. Then I get it. I get your interpretation and I get that you would be really upset by that. But can I just show you my side of the coin? And so that side of the coin might be. I have friends of whatever sex. I don't even think about it. And so it's just completely innocent. How would you want us to go about this? And so with the It's really expressing. My perspective. Different to your perspective. But also coming together at the end and actually what kind of workable solution can we figure out? By the end of this. And you know, sometimes we might not have an ideal solution. But it's something that feels workable. So for example, Uh, with what I've just said, and let's say, um, this person does have a lot of female friends and it might make me feel bad and they're sort of jealous or insecure or whatever it might be. But actually. I'm not going to be asking them to just drop all of our female friends. What might happen in that moment is I say, okay, well I need reassurance. And this form of way. And are you okay? Are you on board with us? Or it might be okay. Well, can I be friends with these friends as well? You know, whatever it might be, but, but it has to be some kind of workable solution at the end of it. Because that's the only way really that we can move forward. And were validating, the suffering was seeing the suffering. And actually the way that we move forward is by muting the suffering so that it's no longer a source of suffering. Because actually we've resolved that pain point. If you liked this show, please do me three solids first, share it with a friend because if he found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will DT second subscribe so that you never get to miss an episode and third, please rate the show to help other people find life changing content. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, have a healthy and fulfilling relationships. So please help me in my mission.