Does my partner care about me? I'm never enough

So, you're in a spot where you're putting in all this effort to make your partner happy, right? It feels like a constant uphill battle, and no matter what you do, it never seems enough. Sound familiar? Many of us have been there. It's like you're pouring yourself into every aspect of your life just to keep things afloat.

For example, you might be hustling hard at work, striving for that promotion or that big paycheck, all to provide for your family and keep them happy. But in the process, you're sacrificing your own well-being and sanity, dealing with demanding bosses or incompetent colleagues, feeling like you're stuck on a hamster wheel.

Or maybe you're constantly tending to the needs of your family and home, doing everything you can to create a peaceful environment for your partner, but it still feels like something's missing.

And then there's the pressure to look good, stay fit, and be perfect, all to keep your partner's attention and affection. But deep down, you know these surface-level efforts won't fix the underlying issues in your relationship.

You might even try to patch things up with grand gestures like vacations or expensive gifts, hoping they'll bring you closer together. But those moments of happiness are fleeting, and soon enough, you're back to square one, feeling disconnected and unfulfilled.

It's like you're stuck in a cycle of surface-level fixes that never address the real issues underneath. And all the while, you're avoiding the difficult conversations and emotions that could actually lead to growth and healing in your relationship.

But here's the thing: relationships take effort, no doubt about it. But it's not about just going through the motions or avoiding conflict. It's about truly seeing and understanding each other, even when it's uncomfortable. It's about prioritizing the long-term health and happiness of both yourself and your partner.

So, instead of getting caught up in the all-or-nothing mindset or brushing things under the rug, it's time to start having those hard conversations and making real efforts to connect on a deeper level. And if you need some guidance along the way, don't hesitate to reach out for support. It could be the first step towards a truly fulfilling relationship for both of you.

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Hello friends. And welcome back now. All you finding yourself, busting your butts, doing it. Everything you possibly can do to try and meet your partner. Happy. I do try and salvage the relationship. But at the same time you feel like your just forever walking up hell. That it feels like it's just this never-ending burden. And you don't know what you can do. Do you make things right? It almost. This feels like anything that you do, you can't be enough, or it is just not good enough. It's rejected. It's criticized. It's labeled as bad or poor. And you might feel really emotionally drained. Now, this is a really common experience for so many of us. And I think one of the key problems. Is that we're actually focusing in on the wrong thing. And I'm going to be weaving in a few examples and some of these may resonate with you. But you may be in the space. Wow. You all working really hard at your career at your business at your job. And your doing this for your family. You're wanting to earn a session level so that you can provide for the family. So you can put a roof over your head. So you can buy or partner gifts so you can go away on vacation. So you can pay for the car, the mortgage, the bills, whatever it is, but you're essentially looking after the practical stuff, which by the way, is really emboldened. But you end up slaving away at work. And so much. So to the point where you're having to tolerate your boss, who's just really not very kind to you or you're having to tolerate your employees and your staff who are inapt, or, you know, there's a problem at work. Something happens. And ultimately you just feel like you're constantly chasing your tail. And you do this because of the greater good or the greater vision for your family, for your partner. And what it is that you're wanting for them, but you end up spending. Ours at the office and you'll add late, then it can be really, really exhausting. And you do this and your partner then complaints. You saying you never at home. And I feel like you carry anymore. I never see you. You're not spending enough time with me. You're not spending enough time with the kids. And then you think, oh God, like, how am I meant to do that? And also work. And so you wake up super early on a Saturday morning, and then you drive your kids around. You D their CD that you bake, you cook, you do the garden, you do the household chores, and you just find yourself exhausted because you are literally pouring into every single avenue. Or it might be. That you are always looking after the kids and you all looking after the household, your doing everything you possibly can to make sure that the home environment is nice, so that you're alleviating that issue from your partners so that they can be happy. And it's just relaxed. It's easy. But the point being is that you all pouring. Or you might be pouring in a different way. So you might be spending a lot of time on your parents. You go to yoga, you go to exercise. And your losing weight. You're looking after your skin. You're looking after your hair. You are potentially going for a facial, whatever it might be. But you know, you all looking after yourself and you wanting to look your best so that your partner sees you as beautiful, so that you're keeping the relationship alive. And you might be even kind of going to the next level where you're having cosmetic procedures, right. And, and all of this. Is essentially because you are wanting your partner to see you in a positive light. Now. Okay. I know that I've gone through a few different examples. But the, the thing really. To hurt men on, which is what I've led to just before is that we actually end up focusing in on the wrong thing. And we believe it's the crack thing. Whereas really I guarantee this is not the thing that is going to salvage your relationship. It's not going to be the thing. That actually matters at the end of the day. So, for example, I've worked with CEOs who have been on at seven figures plus, or I've worked with entrepreneurs and business owners, eight figure plus, and they have a mounted such amazing financial success for their careers. However, the problem that they then experience is that that always at work. And even though they notice that there was certain ruptures in the relationship, they were convinced that, oh, well, you know what, I'm just going to book a trip to The Bahamas with my partner. Things will be great. Or I'm just going to go to the Maldives and take it for a birthday and she'll be really, really happy. Everything will be great. She'll see how much I cat. And so they spend a lot of time and energy at. I would job that wet. Um, they love it. But it's also exhausting, right? And the aim around it is. Okay, so what can I do here? What can we get out of head to make my partner happy? But guess waltz. That bit of happiness, that trip, that vacation, that gift, that events that you both go to is temporary. It is not the lifeline of your relationship. And so you might feel great for that week for those few hours for that month. However long it is. It might feel happy, happy from that. You will getting a dopamine, hit your guessing, the serotonin, and you're getting a bit of endorphins and, you know, that's all because it's exciting. It's different, but guess what? In those moments, you are not packing yourself and your partner is not packing themselves either. And so your basically both at surface level and you are meeting in a surface level event and the rupture in the relationship, the background stuff is still remaining. So you returned home, the arguments should continue or you feel emotionally distant. You feel disconnected. Your partner, isn't validating you, you feel unappreciated. You don't even feel like you'll seen or understood. And you're back to square one. And then you rinse and repeat that cycle. Now. I remember having a conversation with one of my clients. And he said to me, I genuinely don't know what to do with my wife. Genuinely don't know what to do with her because. Things have been really tough. They'd been struggling by the way for maybe about five years or so. When they just felt like they were growing apart, they were really disconnected. But not only that. Arguments really started to emerge and the arguments would be things around. Her wanting certain things to be done in a particular way. So around the house for the rooms to look a particular way for certain building works to be done. Um, and even like, you. So the point where she wanted certain things for herself and she wanted him to pay for it. And the thing is, is that he could. So it wasn't as though, um, that was not feasible, but the point being is that was session rupture. So certain issues that was going on in the relationship and. Initially it started off as arguments, Willis log cements, the arguments got bigger. And the way that he dealt with it was just by saying yes, by giving her what it is that she wanted so that he could avoid the argument. He could avoid the confrontation. Don't want any of that. Let's not be honest here. And just say yes. Right? Because that was the easiest path. And like I said, for a lot of these things, In his mind, he was able to rationalize them as not being that big of a deal, for example, that he could afford certain things and it would make absolutely no difference though. Lifestyle. And so why would you not say yes, right. If it was going to avoid the argument and that wouldn't make sense on some level. However, this is the issue. They were having ruptures and neither of them were happy. There were continuous requests. And even though the requests were Matt, it wasn't actually about the request. So it wasn't about changing the room. It wasn't about going on vacation to a particular place. The those weren't really the things, the thing. That was really underlying was you are not seeing me. And I do not feel seen. I do not feel appreciated. I don't feel heard. I don't feel validated and I don't feel like I am enough. If I said no. To any of these things. If I share to different opinions to any of these things, I am going to be criticized you all going to criticize me. You've criticized me previously for saying no, or for having a different opinion. And I feel shut down. That's when that all issues around criticism. That's when there are issues around defensiveness that's when there are issues around distance and disconnect. And there is stonewalling. That is when we enter the real icky stuff, the real problematic stuff. So you can plaster it as much as you'd like with, you know, the hard work. The busting your boss off whatever context that is. But if it's surface level stuff, And if you are consciously worried that if you don't do this thing, it will cause a crate great argument. If you're not positioned, we really need to check in why would it cause a great argument because of that is the window. That will tell you what is truly going on under the surface. And, you know, this is really important to consider because the thing is, is that with any relationship that will be set and things that we will want to do, there will be set an expectation set in. You know, expressions that will be set and things that we have to input. And we D that to keep the relationship alive, to keep it going so that we can nurture the relationship net trial partner and ourselves and allow it to grow. So that's okay. But if it almost feels like an all or nothing situation, if it almost feels like, well, it has to be a yes, otherwise. Chaos is going to erupt. Then there's a problem, then there's the issue. And we really have to figure out what that is, because if it was different, let's say for example, it would be great if it was a yes. If it was a no. Well, it would be a bit uncomfortable, but actually it's not that bad in the great scheme of things that even if I did say no to this thing, I know that my partner would still love me and would still really appreciate me and see me and validate me. If it was that then yeah. Show the surface level stuff. The things that you all doing are fine. And actually they are probably the things that need to be done. But if it feels like an ultimatum and an all on a thing, that's when we really need to pay attention to. And really consider what's actually going on under the surface. And typically, like I mentioned before, it will be an issue around criticism. Which will. Create the sense of not being good enough. And it might also create a sense of guilt and shame. And by the way, guilt and shame are some of the most difficult emotions. That human can ever experience. So that is excruciating. And to have that from your partner, the person who you expect to always be there for you, who you expect to support you. Causing you that hurt. That is painful. And so it makes sense that you would just want to avoid that remit entirely. And so you do a lot simply because you're avoiding pain. Which even by me saying it out loud now, I hope you can recognize how unhealthy that is. But then, you know, we've got this other side of things. Why. Actually we get trapped in the cycle of focusing in on the wrong thing. So, what do we do? How do we actually focus in on the right thing? Because the thing is, is that relationships do require efforts. They absolutely require effort. Anybody who says Rick relationships should never require efforts. Your not in the relationship, did you, chances are, if your relationship is surviving and you feel like it's zero efforts, your partner is doing all the efforts and you're not taking on as much responsibility or as much effort as needed, or that relationship will end up being short-lived. So relationships absolutely require effort and they require effort because. Your partner has the need to be seen the need to be head the need to be appreciated and validated and CAD full. And that's so key because you do too. And as human beings, we all flawed. We all going to make mistakes, but it's impulsive. But we also put in effort, put an effort to recognize when we may have been wrong, put an effort to recognize actually there are certain things that we could do with improving. And to put an effort. In recognizing our humility that we are fallible and that we can really show cat unkindness tools, our partner, so that we can repair these ruptures. Now. One thing to pay attention to is, are you feeling like it's an all or nothing situation? I E I have to do this. I have to lease the way I have to look a particular way. I have to end this amount of income. I have to say. Yes. Otherwise catastrophe will happen. That's one thing. The second thing is really considering what efforts are you making? Two wards, your partner. Especially with regards to the connection. So that's not talking about putting in efforts to the third object, which relates your partner, the third object, being work, being the house, being whatever else, but actually directly towards your partner. So the direct effort towards your partner would be moments of connection. So for instance, your partner comes home from work and they sit on the sofa and they say, they go, oh, And then you look at them and you say, What's going on. And even in that moment, But you'll, your partner feels seen, even if it's a small thing, but your partner feels seen in that moment, any partner might say, oh, don't worry about it. And they should sit down. But actually, if you then also shut it down and you say, okay then, or if you just walk away or you're silent. Then it permits the shutting down and actually eight inadvertently invalidates the PSI. It's actually, you could just sit there and say, oh, you just don't look so happy. I'm worried about you on a check-in how, while you. And really, how are you? And really set with that. So, if you considering. I mean, how many times do you ask your partner? How all you really, especially if you live with them, especially if you see them all day, every day, or, you know, most of the day, every day, or even, you know, a couple of hours a day, how much do you ask them? How all you. Really. Probably not a law. And our immersed couples. When they see that partner, they just continue because they just saw them yesterday, the day before, the day before that. And they live together and they see each other all the time, they don't actually ask how all you really. And how much of a crucial question is that? Right? And so he's really checking in with them, but it's also connecting to certain expressions, really being able to see them and read them and really reaching out and making an effort in those moments. But, like I said, it's also making an AFA in other moments when a request is being made and it doesn't feel so comfortable. So for example, if your partner is saying, Hey, I really need. This thing doing to the house and you feel a lot of pressure to say yes, otherwise you'll worried that your partner is going to feel like your not good enough, that you don't care enough about them. Whatever it might be. It would be really, really pull saying. Taking a setback and, you know, considering to the level of safety. That you feel in that moment, but it's really expressing, I'm not sure how much this month is. I'm not sure how happy this would make me. This would make you. All just really being quite Clare in terms of while. I can see that this is important to you. Um, but, uh, I'm feeling really pressured right now. Can we talk about that pressure? And so we're really homing in, on your personal experience, your personal emotion on your fear in what would happen if you said no. And it's not necessarily say, Hey, I'm going to say no to us, but, and, and, you know, you could still agree with that. So that's the snot, the issue. Uh, but, but the point really is the efforts in terms of connection is really to point out the, the. Fair all the anxiety, the discomfort that you might have around under the surface, because it's certainly in that moment, then your partner is really able to see your experiences and, and vice versa. That's when you can really start to understand each other more and really come to some mutual territory. And. Finally helmet efforts, a you pursing in to having some of those difficult conversations. And I know I've kind of alluded to it a little bit, just snow, but. It's really going in to thinking. I'm I willing to have that hard conversation with my partner for the greater good of the relationship. Am I willing to have that hard conversation with my partner to make sure that my wellbeing is preserved to make sure that wellbeing is preserved and to make sure that this relationship is sustainable. And really looking at that. And, you know, I'll, I'll give you an example. So countless times of hot people in my office, why they'll say things to me, like all, well, you know what? I was so busy with work and I was so busy doing X, Y inside my partner, wasn't working as much. So I expected them to bring up these conversations. I explained to them, to book in the therapy. I expected them to burka in the coaching. I expected them to do X, Y, and Z because they simply have more time. I expected them to be able to recognize that, you know, certain things weren't so good and perhaps they could come up with solution to all suggestions. And then we can talk about it. And you don't and I'm sat there thinking to myself. Okay. Well, that kind of makes sense. On one level, you know, that they have physically more time potentially to consider these issues or to book in that appointment or whatever it might be. Um, But Chile, if it was a priority to you as well, you would have also done it. You would have also followed up on those appointments. You would have also checked in on them. In terms of the solutions you wouldn't have necessarily been just burying your head in the sand or diving into work so much and just expecting your partner to come up with all of the solutions or authorized solutions or the actions that need to be taken. And so in those moments, I would really then be asking, well, why was your priority? And often, you know, people might say, oh, well, my part's, he was at work or my parts. He was, you know, my financial statement or. Or whatever it might be. But then they'll say, well, it's not really your priority from an emotional standpoint. And more often than not that priority from an emotional standpoint was to be safe. To feel safe. And so they might have believed that the only way that they could feel safe was by avoiding difficult conversations was by avoiding looking at the problems between themselves. Was by avoiding looking at painful emotions that might have been tapped into you with regards to self-worth self-confidence self-esteem. Or it might have been painful emotions when you felt criticized by your partner or you questioned whether or not you were good enough. And actually people end up really avoiding those topics. They just brush it under the carpet. They don't want to look at it. And so they delve into something else. They dive into work and they almost use that as a justification. And they say, this is the reason why I didn't have time. My partner had time and a full, you know, it's really on them. But again, I would really ask why was your party? Because it's never a time issue. I guarantee. It is never about time. It is always about priority. And if it was a priority, It would have been a priority. You would have done it. And so he's really questioning what is your party at the moment is your priority truly? The long term. Health of your relationship, the longterm wellbeing of yourself, longterm wellbeing of your partner. I'm talking about psychological, emotional, and even physical wellbeing is not really a party or is your party simply to just stay safe for the heroin now. And it's okay if that's what you were prioritizing the safety because clearly safety is super in Bolton, but then that would also signal well, if that is your priority, then perhaps you need to do this in a safe container. That would signal that you need a professional to support you through us. That actually you need. Something to guide you in terms of how you can do this in a safe format. I would love to invite people who are listening to this who are looking for this type of support to reach out, to get in touch, because this is something that I do day in and day out and something that I help hundreds of people with. And. Truly, this is life changing way and it would help you for now. It would help me for the future. And it would have a massive ripple effect on your life. 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