Your relationship is either growing or dying. There's NO in between.

In this talk, I address the crucial issue of relationship dynamics, emphasizing the dichotomy between growth and stagnation. I assert that relationships are either flourishing, with mutual nurturing and attention, or deteriorating, marked by stagnation and mundanity. I highlight how distractions like children or caregiving can lead to neglect of the romantic relationship, often only realized when these distractions fade.

I emphasize the importance of continual growth and understanding in relationships. This involves actively learning about each other, engaging in shared activities, and open communication about needs and desires. I suggest approaching disagreements as opportunities for understanding rather than defensive battles. I stress the significance of empathy, mutual support, and the willingness to evolve together.

I warn against clinging to idealized versions of the past and encourage embracing the present reality. I advocate for intentional efforts to connect daily, prioritize each other's well-being, and collaborate on building a shared future. Ultimately, I conclude that nurturing understanding, empathy, and growth is essential for sustaining a fulfilling and healthy long-term relationship.

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Hello, friends and welcome back. This is something so important. It's come up a lot in my practice. People that have contacted me in the DMS. Emails, and it is this issue, which fundamentally relates to something that I'm not entirely sure if you are aware of this. So I really need to shout out. Your relationship. Is either in a state of growth. Where you're nurturing each other. You're loving each other. That is. Uh, lots of cat and attention and effort that is being poured into it. All your relationship has dying. That is absolutely no. In-between. If you feel like you're stagnating in your relationship, if you feel like things are just standard, the status quo your living day by day, your both coming home from work, you're watching TV or getting the dinner ready. Guessing the kids sorted out, whatever it might be. Um, but it's basically just the same again and again, and again. And when you really look at the relationship, you realize, oh, well, it's mundane stagnating. That is actually the beginning whore, the continuation of the death of your relationship. And this is something really sneaky that comes a bounce. And a lot of people don't actually recognize it and we don't recognize it because we fill our life with destruction. And sometimes it's active destruction, but sometimes it's, you know, unintentional destruction, but it's stuff that we have to deal with. So really, really common experiences as let's see, you've got kids. Kids require so much of your time. All at. So you've got a parent that you're looking after. Again, requires so much time. And whenever that happens, particularly in a relationship on you've got a third person or multiple people that your energy goes towards. That it becomes a focus. So you might've been married or been together for a long time. You've got kids. And then all of a sudden you are really focusing in on anything and everything to do with the kids. Because they're requiring a lot of attention and energy. So, you know, the school pickup drop-off. The activities, what you're doing at the week hand in evenings, cooking, dinner, packing that lunch, whatever it might be. But point being is that you are pouring so much into your children or. Into that elderly parent, the family member that you're having to look after. And again, requires so much time and energy and attention. And that becomes your photos. So often what happens is that when children leave the nest. On your just left there with your partner. You're both looking each other, thinking what has just happened. Who all you. And so many people that I have worked with have realized all my goodness, we have been operating as housemates for the past. However many is. And they only realize this at the point when that loved one. Uh, is not with them or they're no longer having to look after them or they realize, you know, the kids have left home. And actually it is just them together. Again. And they have got no other distraction. The distraction, the other point of focus has been removed and they're having to look at the reality of that relationship and they realize that so much time has gone by that they don't actually recognize each other anymore. Uh, the, the kind of, you know, they know each other, they know that they've been living together, that they have children together that they've built this house together, that they work or other jobs that, you know, they, they know the other person on paper. But they don't actually know them on the inside. And as time has gone on. Both of you would have evolved, you would have evolved in changed in certain ways because you've had different life experiences. Certain things have happened to you. You've had new contacts. You've, you've evolved. You've changed. And so is your partner. And actually there is so much in that there is so much more learning to do because you look at your partner. Let's say you've had kids, the kids have been at home for 18 years. The kids leave. You've got 18 years worth of catching up to do of learning about your partner. To do. And that can sometimes become a real shock to the system. So you're looking at each other, you don't even recognize each other anymore on your questioning. What has happened? And you'll get your partner with the assumption that things are going to be exactly how they were when you were first together. You romanticize about those times, you assume that those times are still valid. That actually your partner should be exactly how they were, but the truth is, is that they're not, and neither you and neither should either of you be exactly who you were 18 years prior, because if you were. Then it shows that nothing has changed in the 18 years, that neither of you have developed or grown as individuals. And how sad would that be? That actually 18 years have passed and you have not developed in that time. You've not matured in that time. You've not grown or lent something new or developed in some particular way. Because you would not be the same individual when you're in your forties, as you were in your twenties, right? Like you shouldn't be. And, and you know, what. We'll have a timescale, but, but we all constantly evolving and growing. And here's something that I often tell clients, and that's the thing that they get really shocked. Is if you're not growing together. You are dying together. If you are not nurturing your relationship. And there is some form of development and growth. Then the relationship is absolutely deteriorating. Because you've stopped learning about each other. You've stopped recognizing each other. You've stopped seeing each other for the reality of what it is. Of what you are. And you've stopped really being with that other person. And what happens is that often people have this idealized, Raymont sized vision of what they believe the relationship should be like or what it used to be like. And so let's say this vision is high up in the clouds that says imagined. Feeling it's imagine picture. And the brain, by the way, cannot tell the difference between what is real and what's imagined. And so your, that romance sizing and font sizing about this, the ideal. The way, this ideal image of what your partner should be like or what they were like at day one, when you first met, when things were perfect, when you both were super happy, what, you know, whatever it might be. But you're in that space, right? And you believe that it should be true now. So you've got this idea in your head. It's called. And then you all met with the reality and you then question, well, why are you not like this cloud? Why are you not the same as this cloud? You go in with the assumption that the cloud is real. And then you see that the reality is discrepant from that. And that's when a lot of ruptures starts to begin. And actually that's when people start to grow appalled because the so attached to this cloud. I E what you both were like 18 years prior. And your not really considering that you have to let go of that attachment. You have to let go of that image. That called, that was in your mind 18 years ago. So that you can start to look at what is now. You know, sometimes we have to let go of the past in order to embrace the future to embrace the now. To be able to move forward. And it's not to say that you forget about it. It's not say that the past doesn't matter. You can start. Absolutely. Miss the past. But if you're perpetually reminiscing about the past, and you're wishing that the past is right here now. Then it shows that you are attached to something. And perhaps. Thing that you're attached to you can't be now because your partner is evolved. And so you. But it's also, you know, then I would beg the question. Well, what is it exactly about the past that you are attached to? What is it exactly that you are really craving? And I would home in on the emotion. What emotion are you really craving that this past image gave you an emotion might have been feeling understood. Feeling loved feeling capful, feeling like I was the priority feeling like I massive. And typically those are the things that come up. And. Let's be honest, if those are the things that coming up for you. That you mustard that you were priority. Chances are, it would be also the same field partner. But if you're both attached to what your partner was like 18 years ago, And not, well then light now, how could you ever feel like a priority to them and how could they ever feel like a priority CA like it's, it's just not going to happen because actually you're not prioritizing them. In current day. You are prioritizing. The 20 years ago. And so that, that feeling of being prioritized or feeling like you matter. It can't happen because you all literally saying what mattered was the past. Right here right now. How you are. It's not my priority is not the thing that matters. The pasta is what matters. And, you know, if I'm breaking it down and I'm explicitly. Saying it I'm explicitly writing it out for you so that you can see the difference there. But you can appreciate how in that moment. Yeah, of course you would both feel like you're growing apart because actually you're not muttering to them and they're not mattering to you right here right now. You're both living in another vision in another reality. So one thing that I would really suggest in terms of, if you all committing to growing together, to working together, to seeing. Can you sell this just relationship? Can you make it feel more fulfilling? Can you move forward? Is really festival by starting to learn about each other. And really learn about each other. And, you know, you can make it like a bit of a game, but go on a date and really learn about the other individuals. So. What. Foods have you recently come across? What. And really lean into what is new for you? What has been going on for you? How have you been feeling with the kids gone or with not having this responsibility anymore? How are you feeling about your work? What kind of impact is that having on you? How are you feeling about your personal time, about your energy? How are you feeling right here right now? What is it that matters to you right here right now? And really syncing with that. And is there, it might feel uncomfortable to begin with, because actually it's something that perhaps you've not been doing previously, or you might think, oh God, I should know the answers to these. Or you assume that, you know, the answers to these. Or your partner might say, oh, do you not know the answers to these? Actually, if you both postpone any form of assumption of knowing each other on you may care, uh, Bit of a game or for fun, or you just go in with an open mind saying, Hey, you know what? It's been a long time since we've connected, we've spent so much time and energy at work with the kids doing whatever else. That I feel like we've grown a Paul, would you be open for us to really lending each other again? And with that, you can then really start to take a step forward to really lean into the new information or the new partner that you've got because, or the evolved partner that you've got. And actually that itself is really important. It's really meaningful. And you can really evolve with that evolution. And step number two is really considering what it is that you can both be building together. And one that's full. The Archie's is if you imagine that you're both collecting materials and you're building a house. Now when you're collecting materials. If you were actually doing this, you would S you would have to speak about it, right. You would have to say, okay, I'm going to clap this and you'll get a clap thoughts and how much of this and not do we need, and would we need anything else? And through that process, you're actually learning to communicate your learning, to negotiate your learning, to collaborate. And you're appreciating each other's involvement, each other's input and your then able to step back and see, okay, this is what we've created. How do you feel about that? Is there anything else that you would want more to this. And the thing that you're building or that you're creating together. Main be different in different contexts, you know, depending on what you choose. It could be a lifestyle together. It could be a home together. It could be an activity together. It could be exclusive connect. To time together. You know, something that is really meaningful for both of you to do that. You're both enjoying whatever it might be, but it's, it's something that you all, both co-creating. And you're openly talking about the co-creation of it. You're openly talking about. What involvement you would want to create this and how much effort you want to put into creating this and. And actually how you're both feeling about creating the sneaky thing, because it's so important to you. And with that. You feel like your actually reconnecting in that process and with that, it would give you the opportunity of learning more about each other. And finally number three is really about nurturing and supporting each other. And so this might seem like an obvious one, but it's really about considering how is it that I am waiving my partner's flag and really, how am I waving their flag? And how is it that they're waving my flag? And really appreciating the way that they might want to wave my flag and how I can meet that. So for example, if my partner. Is wanting me to wave that flag by. Uh, promoting them. Um, And Paulie it's about waving the flag and you can consider well, and won't contact switch. You want me to support you and how can I support you? What is it that you would need from me? That would make this important for you. And so again, you're getting feedback from your partner with regards to how they want to be supported. Do you want me to help you problem solve certain things? Do you want me to help you to listen to certain things? Do you want me to help you? Check in on certain things or whatever it might be, but it's really about asking your partner, how is it that I can support you? And seeing how that works for you, seeing how that fits for you as well. And, and really ch. Doing that as a mutual process. And then the other method of really nurturing and supporting each other is with regards to mental and empathizing with each other. And so. It's really about carving out some time. And I would really suggest that you do this on a daily basis, whether you carve out five minutes, 10 minutes, half an hour, however long it is that you consider appropriate. But it's really carving out time every single day. With the pure intention that the focus is all about your partner. And vice versa, then the tables get turned and the focus is all about you. And so. Uh, you know, and, and please put your phone down, turn the TV off, stop doing whatever else it is that needs to be done around the house. But you know, for those five, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, half an hour, come on. And you can afford that time, right? If this is really a priority to you, you all going to a full thought time, but in that moment, you can then say, well, how are you? Really what's going on for you? And even in these moments, you can invite them to say, well, how you feeling about us? Is there anything that you would like changing with us? Is there anything that you would like improving. And again, you can also share your feedback on that side as well. When, when the tables are turned in, you know, in it's your turn as well to share and express yourself. And with all of this. It brings me to number four, which is so important. And it's the issue of how do you resolve arguments together? Because the real art of being able to maintain and sustain the health of a relationship long term, Is not by never having an argument. Because if you're never having an argument, that for me is a red flag in itself because one of you is avoiding something. Arguments and natural they're going to happen. And it's so gay. It's about how do you resolve the arguments? How are you both able to progress? And live a relationship that feels caring, that feels nurturing. Despite the argument, because when you have an argument, you can then really pause, take a break in time and really step out of your own head so that you can step into your partner's station. So instead of immediately jumping on the defensive. It's okay for you to disagree. You know, it's okay for you to disagree and you can come up with your disagreement afterwards, but you need to figure out what it is exactly. That you're disagreeing to. And so the only way that you know, what it is that you were disagreeing to you is simply by reducing your defenses. And. Noting that it might not necessarily be about you, but the problem is the problem. So the problem is not your fault. It's not your partner's fault. It's not, you know, The blame isn't a hundred percent you or your partner. But the problem is the problem. And you're both on the same team, looking at the problem. And so with that in mind, Consider how it is that you can just reduce that defensiveness so that you can really step into your partner's vision and perspective. See what it is that they're seeing. And. You can appreciate that vision and that reality because their reality is real full them. And anything that you may have done all this situation may have done. Would have had an impact on them. And the impact is real. And from then you can share your perspective. And you can then both see that you have different perspectives. Um, it's not to say that any perspective is wrong or invalid or incorrect. But actually differences occur. And how are you both going to work together? How are you both going to make this workable so that you can fulfill and sustain this relationship so that you can eliminate that injury or reduce that injury repair that rupture. So that you're both feeling attended to. And one of the significant things is even though you may not fully a hundred percent understand jewel partner with regards to that perspective or what's going on for them. But the effort is in constantly and consistently trying to understand your partner and for them to do the same thing for you, because the more that you do that, the more that you can collaborate, the more that you can get to mutual space of understanding. And you can both nurture each other and grow together. If you liked this show, please do me three solids first, share it with a friend because if he found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will DT second subscribe so that you never get to miss an episode and third, please rate the show to help other people find life changing content. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, have a healthy and fulfilling relationships. So please help me in my mission.