5 Ways to Fix Communication Problems (and to notice future red flags)

Learn about the 5 risk factors in communication within your relationship: criticism, defense, dismissive, gaslighting, and stonewalling.

Join me on my Empowered Communication Workshop: www.relationshipsuccesslab.com/workshops

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. Hello, friends and welcome back. Today, we are going to be talking about how you fix communication problems. And this is something so vital. Because in any relationship we're going to have to communicate. We all know that communication is vital for any relationship. But somehow a lot of us quite frankly, suck at communication. A lot of us don't know how to communicate or we try to communicate. We know it's important. And then we find ourselves suddenly spiraling into an argument with your partner. And so have you ever had a situation where you've tried saying something. Or you might've said something without thinking, and then the response that you get from your partner, isn't the response that you wanted it wasn't what you were hoping for. And actually, it just felt a bit odd. And you suddenly find yourself going from a place of saying something that is true to you or trying to communicate your need, your boundary, or thought your emotion just even about your day. It could be anything. But you've communicated something that might've been quite innocuous to begin with. And then all of a sudden it spirals out of control. It becomes an argument. And this argument just seems to come out of nowhere and all of a sudden, you don't know how you've gotten to this point of such huge escalation. So this is really to problem solve all of these issues and really to give you a good template as to how it is that you can communicate best with your partner. And how you can move forward. And if you're interested in learning more about this, I have set up a very special and very specifically tailored workshop. That involves nine lessons. As to how it is that you can improve your relationship with your partner specifically by improving your communication. And if you're wanting to know more, please either reach out to me. You've got my details in the show notes below, or you can go onto relationships, success, slob.com. And you'll see it in the workshops under empowered communications. And I highly recommend that you go ahead and you take a look. Because that all, so many tools, so many really incredible strategies that you probably haven't even thought of. And they might actually seem really simplistic, but I guarantee that these are the things that are going to really help you out. So. Let's began now, there are three things really that we need to consider here in terms of how you fix communication problems. Number one is really considering. What has actually led to the spiraling of their communication, what is actually led to the communication? Uh, falling and becoming so, so poor. And I've created. A five risk factor. And this has been based on decades of research and a loss of it does come from the research done by the Gottman Institute, which is the largest Institute in the world. With regards to relationships and how it is that we communicate. But this specifically has added a couple of new category. So I've taken a lot of research, background information, and also based on my clinical work. And I have really adopted it. Into a five point risk factor as to why communication breaks down. Number one is really about criticism. Often we experienced criticism when we're communicating with our partner and sometimes it can be outright criticism. That's really obvious, or sometimes it can be subtle criticism. So for example, outright would be, I hate the way you look and I can see how that would be really painful. If you are getting those comments. But social criticism could be like, what were you thinking? And then all of a sudden you feel like you just suffocate, you, you're having to justify yourself. You're having to improve yourself somehow because you're under the microscope and you're being criticized in that moment. The second thing is about dismissiveness and dismissiveness is really when we all being minimized. When the thing that we're trying to express is almost no knowledge it's acknowledged, but it's also being told that it's not that big of a deal. And all of a sudden we are made to feel smaller in that moment. Third thing, defense. And that's when our partner doesn't even have the space to hear us out. And you all just mats with a brick wall and guess what? It's very hard to communicate with a big brick wall. And often brick walls lead to criticism. And actually the best form of defenses attack. So it can become a really slippery road from then. Fourth one is gaslighting. And I know that I've spoken quite a lot about gaslighting, particularly when it comes to my trauma bonded work. And gaslighting is something that can happen in subtle forms, or it can be much more magnified, but that's ultimately when. Your partner is dismissing your. Perception of reality, what it is that they've done to the injured you or. What is it? Somebody else may have done that course you injury. They dismiss it. They make it look like it's not real. They don't acknowledge your pain. But they also say that actually somebody else's in pain. And they try to shift your perspective to make them to make you believe whatever it is that they believe. But in itself can lead to a really unhealthy road. And finally silence saying, so there is silencing in the form of stonewalling just as a broader category, but silencing is really about avoiding the topic. Or by completely ignoring the topic completely ignoring any full move. Communication contacts run lists. Now spoken about these five different things, right? So criticism, dismissiveness, defensiveness, Gus sighting on stonewalling, but these are the five things. The all going to massively negatively impact any communication that you have. And so I can guarantee that any breakdown you have in communication, it is down to one of these five things. So, how do you get away from this? How do you actually solve communication problems? Well, the first thing that I really need you to get on board, which has, by the way, step two, we're moving towards. So now step one, we've identified what the problem is. So it will be under one of those five risk factors. Step number two. Is, I really, really need both of you. To a hundred percent committed. Now you might be asking me. Oh yeah. Well, I am committed to the relationship. No, no. That's not what I want you to commit to what I want you to commit to. Is your overall wellbeing. And your partners overall wellbeing. And often when I mentioned this, people are like, oh, well, chal but wall. And there's almost like a bit of confusion. So I just really want to lay out Claire in terms of why this is important to distinguish and why we really need to be focusing in specifically on the wellbeing. Of both of you onto a partner, as opposed to the commitment of the relationship. Right. It was often based on our. Attachment styles. And based on our personal wounds, our personal triggers. We all going to attach to the idea of a relationship. And we're going to commit to the idea of the relationship as a purse, to the relationship. Uh, for, you know, As it is for the reality that it is. And when we're committing to the ideal of the relationship, well, what actually doing is we're creating this imaginary world inside of our mind of what the ideal relationship should look like. But it doesn't quite make sense if you had to really sit there and investigator as if you were in a court of law and you've got a judge, who's asking you a bunch of questions about it. You'll then going start to see that actually, a lot of the things that you're curating in this idealized image in your mind don't actually make sense. It doesn't actually have the solid foundation. And so what happens when we're idealizing this relationship? I E the image we create in our mind, what we do is we commit to the image based on what it is. We need this image to fulfill us. So, for example, If what frightened of being abandoned and that might've been our own personal wound from our own history, our own background. Then it makes sense that we all really going to heavily latch on to this idea of the relationship and trying to hold onto it as tight as possible so that we avoid the possibility of abandonment. But we don't actually know if we're holding on to the right relationship. We aren't, she starts to lose focus on the quality of the relationship. And we just look at the font that while we're in a relationship and that fold, that should be sufficient just as, as. But the truth is, is that it's snots. And so we ended up committing to the relationship purely from a functional perspective, purely based on our own personal wounds. As opposed to actually whether or not it's really fulfilling our own wellbeing. And. Let's be honest, your wellbeing is absolutely paramount. And since your partner's wellbeing is obviously paramount, if you don't have your wellbeing, well, I would argue this very little point to you. Anything else? And so when we're really committing to wellbeing, Both you and your partner. And you're both equally committing to whatever is healthiest for me and whatever is healthiest for you when you're both in that space. Then you're willing to do the hard things. You are willing to make space for your partner to say the stuff that they want to say, and you are willing to sit that and tolerate listening to the things that you might not want to hear. But you're hearing it because you are committing to their wellbeing because actually you step out of your own narcissism. You step out of your ego, you step out of your own edges because you are able to set that. And really hold to this person because you've committed to that wellbeing and they've committed to your wellbeing. So there's, this is a bi-directional process. If only one person is committing to both wellbeings and the other person isn't. Then we have got a serious problem here because this isn't even a problem about communication. This is a problem as to whether or not you're compatible, whether or not you should even be in a relationship together. And I know that I might sound quite blunt and harsh saying these things. But it is absolutely fact. And so it's really about considering actually. All we both can missing. And not committing to this false idea or this imagined idea, this potential. Of what the relationship could do for me. I E this relationship could make me feel secure. It could make me feel whole, it can make me feel held. So the snot, what we're committing to, what we're committing to you as my well-being and your well-being and that has to happen. Otherwise. You can kind of forget about communication. So. Let's go down that path that both of you have committed fully to yourselves unto the other person's wellbeing. And from that. We are really creating a safe space and it's really about considering. What is happening for you? What is happening for that other person and what it is that would make it feel safe to emotionally express? Because if you're not emotionally safe, Expression will not happen. Communication cannot happen or at least honest, Camille communication cannot happen. If we are not feeling safe. And so creating the safe zone will take a lot of thoughts. And the biggest tips I will give you, and please do consider this. The biggest tip I will give you is the best time to figure out what is the safe zone is not in the middle of an argument. That is the worst time to learn how to argue with your partner. That's the worst time to learn how to communicate with your partner is right there in the middle of the argument. That's not, when you learn how to do that. You learn how to do it outside of the argument, outside of the difficult conversations, that's when you set up the safe Freeman's, is that when you're still seeing it? Let's say for EMA it's really about considering. Okay. Well, when would it be safe to bring up some of these conversations? So would it be safe to bring it up after work? Well, maybe not immediately after work, your partner might say things like, oh, you don't want, I'm so stressed after work. I just need an hour to decompress maybe later on in the evening, or maybe we can book out some time on a Saturday morning. Or maybe we could do this or that, whatever it is, but you know, it really can figure out your days, your weeks, your hours, however, it looks. Based on both of your capacities. And I'm saying this because. Often. Many people will come to me and they'll say, well, I'm trying to communicate to my partner, but then they just become really dismissive. And then the partner will say, well, I really do want to hate you, but you know, sometimes it's just really hard. I'm stressed. And what do I do in. Anyway, and it kind of spirals out of control. And the problems emerge, even though it was never intended to begin with. And a lot of these problems could have been easily solved. And so the reason why somebody might not have the ability to hear you isn't because you're not valid enough to be heard. That's not all the case, but it's actually because you don't have that safe zone. So please create that safe zone. And when you're creating that safe zone, you really need to, both of you, by the way, really needs to consider. What would make the other person feel safe as well as you, and you have to adhere to it. So for example, If your partner feels really unsafe under certain circumstances, for example, they might feel really unsafe talking about certain things. Particularly one that has been a loss of tension in the eye. Or there may have been subtle criticisms. Or they might feel really unsafe. One they're not fully being paid attention to. You know, all of these then tie back into the five risk factors I've just mentioned previously. So, you know, I might feel really unsafe saying something if my partner is on their phone and my partner might not even think B. Uh, you know, having that phone on in the hand, being that big of a deal. Um, because you know, it might not even be that serious of a conversation, but for me, if I was said, step. To it, then I would feel really dismissed in that moment. I will feel like I'm being minimized. And so to create that safe space, it is also by considering what you, what your partner really needs in that moment and actually whatever they need. If it taps into those five risk factors, it has to be. It hit to, it has to be respected because I assume your way that we can create that safety. And number three and my 3.5. Is when you saucing to talk about something that can be difficult. Unless say this is going to be a disagreement. You can anticipate that disagreement coming up. And you're wanting to disagree, but you're also not wanting to go down an unhealthy route. You. Not wanting it spiral into a conversation. And well, what do you do? So in that moment, The biggest thing I would say. Is label what's going on. I know this might seem a little bit odd. Might seem a bit different. My seem simple. Um, but I guarantee this step will absolutely help you label what's going on. And what I mean by this is labeled what's going on for you and what's going on for them. So, for example, let's say you're wanting to say something that is in disagreement to what they're saying, what they've said, a situation that's happened that might have upset you, and you're wanting to bring up. And so it's really asking permission. And so you would say something to the effective. Here's the labeling, by the way, you would say something to the effect of. This situation happened. You were talking to this other person. Or you said. That you didn't like my cooking. You said that you didn't like what I was wearing. Or you didn't kiss me goodbye when you left the house this morning. So that's labeling the situation. And then you'll labeling what happened, what's going on for you and what's going on for them. So what's going on for you? Is. I really need to speak about lists, but actually I'm quite SCAD speaking about this, or I really need a safe space to speak about lists. Because it's been playing on my mind. And I don't know what to say. I know that I've got a tendency to kind of hide away from these things, but I feel like I need to speak about it. And so that, that in that moment, you'll labeling yourself. What's going on for you? And in that moment, you're also asking permission. So you're saying something to the effect of. I really need to speak by lists. I know that I'm really scared speaking about this, but would it be okay if I speak about lists and I would actually explicitly ask for the permission. And then you move onto labeling what might be going on for them. So when they've agreed, when they've given permission and they might, you know, they might say, oh yeah, of course. Or they might say, you know what? I really want to hear you out. But if we're doing the safe space, then actually could we do it at. Three o'clock just because I know that I'll be able to protect some time around that. Like at the moment, my head's just a bit full because of work because of family stuff at you and, you know, whatever. So. So, you know, you might have to negotiate in terms of what it is, but, you know, I would ask for permission. And then you label what's going on for them. So when you labeling the ants, you might say something to the effect of, I know it might seem minimal to you. Or I know when I've brought this up before. It's been really difficult for you to hear. A hundred we've ended up in an argument. And I just really want you to understand me. I really want you to just hit me out if that's okay. And so again, you're asking permission. But you're also labeling. What might be going on for them. And you might not always get a hundred percent, right. By the way, when you're labeling will scurry on for them, because you know, your, your, your, uh, putting a label on them and that label might not be CRAT. And that's okay. So if they say that's not right, that's okay. Take that feedback on board. But your labeling it based on previous conversations or break based on that situation that just happened. And so you may say something to the fact of, I know that this might be really difficult for you to hear, but it's also really difficult for me to say. So is it okay if I talk about it? It's okay. If we talk about it, can we have a safe space? And that's how you really start to set up those difficult conversations. And if you find this helpful, I would encourage you to head on over to relationships, success, lab.com. What you will find a workshop on empowered communication, where I delve in deep with each one of these tools. And I done quite a few more in terms of how you can really stop having those healthy conversations. And until next time, take care. If you liked this show, please do me three solids first, share it with a friend because if he found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will DT second subscribe so that you never get to miss an episode and third, please rate the show to help other people find life changing content. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, have a healthy and fulfilling relationships. So please help me in my mission.