Power Imbalance, Narcissism & Relationship Equity

If you have been trauma bonded, in a relationship with someone with narcissistic tendencies, or have been in a battle where you feel belittled, controlled, criticised and coerced - this episode is for you.

Transcript

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Welcome to our relationship success. Show the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create happy, loving relationships. Uh, whether you're single, married, divorced, or anything in between. Set yourself up for relationship success. I'm Dr. Saara clinical psychologist, I'm consultant, helping business leaders and entrepreneurs to feel more connected and whole. Let's get started. This episode was really inspired to me because of the amount of work that I'm doing to support people, healing from trauma, bonded relationships. And in trauma bonded relationships, the power imbalance is so clear. It is so obvious. It might not be very obvious when you're in it, because you're in it. You actually become blind to it. But it's something that occurs and it's something that can be incredibly harmful, incredibly toxic, and it can be. Really shuttering to your own, very being, you actually lose yourself in this process. And so for anyone who's listening to this, I just really wanted to extend my compassion to you. To really send you all the love in the world on to really let you know that you are held. And of course, if you're needing any support or if you're wanting to think things through thinking of an exit, please feel free to reach out. Now let's begin. When we're talking about and that power and balance and hierarchy in our relationship, we can see how this can clearly be on helpful, particularly in today's day and age, and particularly knowing what we know now, and that there's been advances in mental health and psychology, and actually what we're able to recognize. Is happening in people's psyche butts. There's also the arguments that I've been having from a lot of my clients whereby the same things like, yeah, but shouldn't, we have a power imbalance in our relationship. Like, isn't that going to be a hierarchy of some soul? And is that not healthy to some degree? So. Um, I'm also going to be talking about the other side of the coin, where actually that could be a potential for a healthy hierarchy. But that is really a separate to the issue of abuse. So let's begin talking about these different subjects. No, I'm just going to go back in time for a moment and just considered, where did this even come from? This concept of a hierarchy? The generations and how relationships operated historically, that was always a hierarchy in our relationship or in a family household setup. Why by typically the man, the husband, the father would be the provider. He would be the person who would go out, get the money. Do the work. I come home, the woman would be more of a subordinate in that sons, or she would be the person who would be looking after the house and. Uh, you know, even though if we would still like really zoom out objectively, they just have different roles in that moment. Right. So one person might be doing more of the work outside of the house, but then the other person does more of the work inside of the house. But it's not to say that any one of them is less valuable. But unfortunately what's happened in society is that we have associated women with having less worthless value. Um, not simply because of the minute tree sign that is attached to the job role, for example. You would get paid, going out to work, but you don't get paid looking after the kids, even though actually we would argue that that is an even harder job and it's an even more worthwhile job and your raising future children of society of the world. And nobody can put a price tag on that, but is infinitely worthy. That's infinitely valuable. But. You know, I'm, I'm kind of digressing here. So let's pretend bots this issue of power imbalance and a hierarchy system in a relationship. And, uh, the. The way that I often see this in clinic. Or am I coaching services is when people have been trauma bonded. And typically what happens is the person with more narcissistic tendencies. Is the person who is on top of the hierarchy. They are dominant. They all wanting to be powerful. They are really pushing to have that position of power. And typically the way that they reached that point of hierarchy is because it started the relationship. They present themselves as being. All amazing. And in every single possible way that they all so caring that they are so loving that they have ample space for you. And that actually their resources are infinite. And what I'm saying, resources, I mean, brief emotional resources on fiscal resources. So they tend to be people who are actually quite successful at what they do in terms of their career, in terms of finances. And they have been able to achieve a lot simply because of that fractured sense of ego. So historically. Chances are, they would have had some kind of trauma down the line and they would have believed that the only way that they would get validation from other people is by achieving. And so naturally. Yeah. They all likely to have pretty good jobs to be pretty well secured. And two, you have done pretty well financially. So they've kind of got loose on poor resources. But also, they're going to show themselves as having ample emotional capacity to support you. And actually that they're a bit right. Vulnerable themselves. And so they need to be supported, but there's something that in terms of them sharing the room vulnerability that makes them relatable as a human being, particularly at the starting. Stages of developing that relationship. And so that's when it, you are really drawn in the person who is high on the empathy scale. If you're anxiously attached again, you are going to be drawn into that vulnerability because actually it's very relatable. You too are also vulnerable. So a lot of it resonates with you. But also your natural tendency is to caffeine of the human being. You're going to be higher up on the helper personality scale. And so. You're going to want to calf this individual, but inadvertently by you doing this, you also then ended up taking a bit more of a backseat role in the sense that you are caring for them so much. So. That they naturally get put ahead of you. They naturally get put ahead of you because actually they've got a lot of resources. They're super nice. They'll love bobbing you that doing all the right things, saying all the right things, and they're holding you emotionally as well. But at the same time, it's very, very easy fetal. Let them take that lead as well. Because on one hand, it's really nice to be treated well by somebody who maybe financially successful someone who's loved bombing you like it's wonderful to be lift bombed. Uh, we know that it's some healthy in the longterm, but in that moment, It's incredibly attractive. And actually it's really hard to say no to you because chances are, if you have been neglected or if you've experienced on healthy relationships historically, and then all of a sudden you've got this person who is. Showing you the world. You're going to want to fall in love with that. Like, Of course you all, it's just natural. Right? And so it's no blame on you whatsoever, but inadvertently through this entire process, you've got many layers. That would enable them to take the dominant position for them to step higher and higher up that hierarchy that you all no longer in a level relationship as time goes on. So initially they step forward because they've got loads of resources. Physically emotionally. That's how they present themselves. They're also loved bombing you. And so with the love bombing, he hooks you in, but also you become dependent on them. And FYI, if you're depending on them, Then that means they already have a position of control. They have a position of control because they're the ones who dictate. What you're doing that week and what you're doing that night, where it is that you're going away on vacation, they've already taken charge over all of these things. And initially it feels really nice, but. As you can see this also adopts it this so sorry if that's how it happens. And then, you know, after a while, when, especially when the sharing that vulnerability, you also then allow them to take that position of dominance because you think, well, they've historically had a past where they've been really vulnerable. And so that just wanting to do that best, they are doing their best. Then I feel really held, I feel really supported. Why would I not just go along with this? And so there are many reasons. Y you actually end up allowing yourself as the person who is high. Um, pathic highly sensitive, or if you are anxiously attached, why you would allow yourself to become more subordinate in that relationship and while the person with the higher narcissistic tendencies to take dominance. And so. When you're in this space, initially, it can feel okay. And a lot of people say to me, yeah. But it works like, you know, he makes the plans, ID this, they do this ID that like, you know, And somehow you talk yourself into it, making it a good thing. But there is a fine line. And so, you know, the fine line really. Then starts to come out in terms of when it starts to become toxic. So what is the toxic remit? Well, the toxic agreement is really one more experiencing the issue of contempt. So contempt is when the person who's in the dominant position truly believes that they are. L whole level, if not multiple levels better than you. And do you also believe that you are a whole level less or many levels less than they are? And that's when we start to become ingrained in this really harmful and toxic relationship dynamic, where there's that power imbalance, but the power imbalance is really, really harmful. Because what happens with content? Uh, when, when that issue comes up, is that the person at the top of the hierarchy say the narcissist. They. Believe that that Bassa will they present themselves as being better? On all accounts. That that better financially, or just simply for the fact. They may have dropped the pace. The more that they are better in terms of their intelligence, that they are better because of the provisions that they have that better in terms of the way they communicate their batter because of their social circle, their friends, who it is that they hang out with the car that they have that job. Whatever it is, but ultimately they use all of these external factors. These factors that don't actually mean a lot to a person's worth or human humanity. But they use all of these metrics to make them look like they are just a better person. Just the existence is a better existence than your existence and they don't argue. Anything else so affirm to that. And when you're facing that and when you're facing that evidence in versus quotes, by the way, but when you're facing that evidence, And they're saying, yeah, but I have more money. Therefore I am better. Or I have a better social circle. My friends are of a better caliber. Therefore I am better when they're saying all these things. I'm not showing you these metrics. It makes sense why you would start to believe that as well, because then you're thinking, oh God, well, yeah, you are able to have all these things then maybe that does put you on top of the hierarchy. But in that moment, you all de-valuing yourself and you're accepting the devaluation of yourself. And so you bumped down and they bump up. But as a side note, I really want you to hear the fact that they built themselves up. Through pushing you down. Is pure evidence. Of that fractured sense of ego. And I'm not all excusing them for this, but what I really wants to point out is the reason why they're doing this is because they are broken. It's not because you're broken. It's not because the person who ends up. Uh, being bumped down that your unworthy, not at all, that's not the case. You get booked down because that broken and they don't know how to function. With the reality that, that just like anybody else that just as good as anybody else on that, just as flawed as anybody else. They can't tolerate that reality because then that would mean that they would have to recognize their own humanity, their own fallibility, their own humility. They are unable to sit in that space because that, that. In that moment in time, they might not be willing to do the internal work themselves for, for their own healing journey. So it's just something for you to really consider because when you're on being provided with all this evidence in versus quotes, that you are not good enough. Uh, or that they are better than you. All that they're doing in that moment is that they are trying to defend themselves. They're trying to protect themselves or trying to preserve that own sense of ego. That's actually very, very fragile. Because anyone who is secure in that own sense of ego would never put someone else down. It wouldn't make sense to put somebody else down because it has absolutely no influence and no impact on their own worth. If I knew that I was infinitely wealthy and I was grounded in that, I would also know that other people are infinitely worthy as well. Regardless of any external metric. And so why would I feel the urge to put somebody else down? It doesn't make any sense because it doesn't mean that it will make me any better or any worse like that, that they're not related at all. And so that's something that's incredibly important for you to hold onto. And when the issue of contempt happens. That is often a few different things that come along with it. And I created this five point risk assessment. This risk factor that you really need to consider under when the five-point risks. Uh, care in any relationship, you all going to get some really toxic patterns and it's really going to amplify that power imbalance. So. Here they are first one criticism. Second dismissive. Third, one defense. Fourth gaslighting. Um, fifth stonewalling or silencing. And so. When you're experiencing any one of those five, you are really going to be pushed further and further down because if you're experiencing criticism while the underlying message is that you're not enough, you've not done enough. You are unworthy somehow you are flawed. Somehow you failed. If you've experienced dismissiveness. Well, then what you're saying. Doesn't have pallor. It's actually being dis it's inadequate. It's minimized because it doesn't mean a lot. Therefore you don't mean a lot. And if you don't mean a lot, how could you not be at the bottom of the hierarchy? Defense, if you're experiencing defensiveness from them, then it also means that actually you are helpless because they've built a brick wall. They can sit at the top of that tower. But your, on the other side of the brick wall, you can bang on that brick wall as much as you like, but you'll still helpless because that, on the other side, on there, knocking to hear you. That actively not wanting to hear you. And so you learn that you're helpless in that moment. And so it doesn't matter how much she buying doesn't matter how much she knocked. It doesn't matter what it is that you do to break all the brick walls, the brick wall. Gaslighting. If you've experienced somebody gaslighting you, then. It ultimately makes you doubt your very, being the meaning of your perceptions, the meaning of your experiences. And the meaning of anything that you have, because if somebody is going to citing you and they're making you believe that whatever is that you see whatever is that you experienced this not true. And actually they're tending the table and making you believe whatever it is that they're believing and almost victimizing themselves. And that you're the bad guy at the end of it. How could you not doubt yourself? And if you're doubting yourself, then you op patchouli going to doubt yourself. And in that moment, then you're going to question actually, am I taking too much? Am I being too selfish here? Actually, I should just continuously suppress myself because if I suppress myself, then at least I don't risk rocking the boat. I don't risk upsetting anybody. And everything's okay. But you can see how that would just amplify the power and violence. And then finally stonewalling. And, and, you know, there are different forms by the way. So a one was talking about, let's say, um, silence saying. Uh, as a broad category, it could be avoidance of the difficult topic. It could be ignoring the difficult topic. It could be the silent treatment. And they might look slightly different, but you know, in any case, if the difficult thing is not spoken about. And. You're trying to bring up. Or if you're the person who's not talking about the difficult thing, because actually your too anxious to bring it up yourself. And, you know, there might be an issue around safety and security. If that's the case. Then. The Paramounts will still remain. It's actually enabling the power imbalance to remain because the difficult thing. Is not being questioned. It's the boat isn't rocking. You're trying to stay safe in a very unsafe situation through the silence. So, you know, you can see how all these issues would really then magnify the problem that we're experiencing in terms of the power imbalance in the hierarchy. But here's the thing that I really wanted to talk about, I suppose, on the healthier and have a hierarchy and a relationship. And so, um, Just to really make clear in terms of what the different says. Well, When we're talking about trauma, bonded relationship or relationship with a narcissist. Uh, or someone, you know, even with narcissistic tendencies, they don't have to have a diagnosis. Uh, but, but, uh, you know, being stronger on those traits, What's significant for you to remember is that they may do something to instill that power imbalance. And to execute that power imbalance and to maintain that power imbalance. And my God is exhausting to be on that side. If, if you've been a victim of that situation. It is relentless. Absolutely. But. As much as they can do whatever it is that they're doing. I really am. You to consider what it is that is in your power. Because if you're going to maintain the situation, there's something that's happening, where you all also hunting over your power. You might not want to hand over your power. You might feel really anxious about knowing what else to do, actually being brave, being courageous. You know, it might not be viable at session times, depending on what levels of support you've got. But I just really want you to slow down and really consider. At what point are you hunting over your power? And it might be subtle or it might be quite magnifying heat. But what points are you accepting being in the subordinate position that you are not enough, that you are at the bottom of the hierarchy, because it might be when you're silencing yourself, it might be one, you all allowing the criticisms to occur. It might be. Just by staying in the situation. And. With all of these, even though it might feel really, really stuck. There's always an exit I guarantee there really is always an exits. And the exit is really to identify how it is that you can fully become empowered. What steps are required for you to no longer hand over your power, because actually your power is your own. It should be that to feed you, not feed somebody else. And it's not even feeding somebody else because they're just throwing it in the trash. Your power is your own. And. The difference here that I really wanted to highlight between unhealthy power imbalances and healthier power imbalance. It was all the healthy hierarchy. Let's say. And, and. You know, the reason why I'm differentiating this is because I have had a lot of clients where they've had trauma bonded relationships in the past. They've been with an orthosis or people, narcissistic tendencies. It's been really painful. They've been criticized. They've been controlled. And when they enter a new relationship, they. Kind of go completely the opposite way and they want hyper independence. All they're really anxious about any form of power imbalance, any form of hierarchy they don't want to do. And they just kind of freak out, right. Because it's whole new and they're trying to figure out what is a healthy relationship. And what is unhealthy. And so they go one of two ways. So either repeat the past or they go completely in the opposite direction. And actually the opposite direction doesn't necessarily serve them either because they become so hyper independent that they actually become detached completely. And they struggled to connect and they become really avoidant. And then it just actually perpetuates more and more turmoil. And actually I've seen people why they've gone completely to the other side, where they have become the person who has been more hurtful and they've sabotage the potential of a healthy relationship. So let's go back. What is the healthy difference? What, what is the difference in what, when is it healthy? To have a hierarchy now. The reason why it's important to recognize that a hierarchy could happen. And there is a possibility of it being okay. Is. When we recognize the interrelationship, we might not be bringing the same things to the table and now it's okay. Right. We all have our own personalities. We all have our own strengths. We all have our own weaknesses as well, but you know, we all have traits. We all have different jobs. We all have different careers. We have different levels of financial capacity of childcare, capacity of compassion, capacity of, uh, we, we all have different levels of all of these things. So it is not viable. Fee to expect a relationship web birth people bring exactly same thing to the table. It's just not going to happen. Because what that means is that you both have to be the same person that comes into the relationship. And you both have to have the same amount of money, the same amount of like, you know, the same job, the same amount of time, the same ability of child cat. You're basically asking for both people to be. Equal and to bring equal things to the relationship, but actually that's not really viable. And what I often see is the arguments actually stem from this in couples because. You know, they might both enter the relationship saying, okay, well, I'm going to be looking after the child, uh, 10 hours. A week, you need to be looking after them 10 hours a week as well. And you know, we kind of like CESO applied thought or, you know, for example, Uh, I wash five of the plates and you wash five plates. Like. Is it. That's not how life happens. Right. And that's not really viable. What is important and what is crucial is compatibility, right. Compatibility. And this is where the hierarchy. Issue might come up. It doesn't feel like a toxic hierarchy, but we have to acknowledge there is some kind of hierarchy and hierarchy swaps and the roles are reversed. So, this is really based on the principle of not equality, but equity. So equality would beat in a relationship would be to say, Both people have to bring the same things to the table and both people would have to be rewarded exactly the same. So for example, both people would want to have sex four times a week, and that is it in brief people enjoy for. Time, you know, having sex four times a week. Exactly. And, uh, you know, even when I'm saying it like this, like, it just sounds a bit weird because. Well, I hope it sounds weird because the reality is, is that that's not the case, right? Like one person might want to have sex more than the other person. And then we have to kind of find a middle ground or we have to try and find a way that is creative and actually something that would be compatible for both people. And so, so equality can actually be really challenging within a relationship dynamics. So what we're really looking at is equity. So equity would be. Both people would bring something. Based on their skills based on their strengths. It's appreciated. And both people would gain the rewards. In the same way. So both people would bring different things, but also brief people would appreciate the rules out of everything mixed up. So how it would look is for example, if. I've got a job. That's got a batter and in capacity. Um, but you've got more time with the kids. Well, that's okay. We, you know, I'll work, bring the money home. We both enjoy the money at home. It's not just one person enjoys that. It's not just me that enjoys that simply because I've worked for it. And I know you've also worked by looking after the kids. But I also enjoy. The front that you've done the childcare and I enjoy and appreciate that this has happened and that I can contribute as well. And I can actually, you know, receive that contribution from you. So that is really why the equity is so where the hierarchy cares is that we also have to acknowledge well, yeah, that might be some kind of hierarchy. So. Objectively. One person might earn more money than the other person or one person might do more of the childcare than the other person. Like th th that is a hierarchy that. In those kinds of measures. But it's not seen with the lens of contempts. It's not seen with the lens of, because I have more, therefore I am better. That doesn't care. But aren't Chile, the hierarchy is designed with equity in mind. So the equity being ID this, you D that we brief bring these things to the table. We both share. The rewards of the things that we've both brought, we bring in different things. That's totally cool. That's okay. Um, not one thing is more valuable or more valid than the other thing. Actually, everything is valuable. Everything is important. Everything is worthy. And we both share the outcomes of everything. Mixed in together. So that's one. It really starts to become a healthy level of hierarchy, a healthy. Uh, relationship. Wow. We can really appreciate what is needed, but also we don't feel invalidated in those moments because in those moments, when let's say you've been in a trauma bonded relationship has start clear and you've been put down because perhaps your income potential isn't as much. And do you enter into the relationship and actually that is neither here nor there, but you know, whatever it is that you're doing, if you're doing the house cat. Uh, Charles Things. And that's being appreciated. We'll then that's fine. And actually it raises you up from that light level from Y us subordinate to a level why you feel validated and, you know, there is equity in what is happening, what you're both bringing, but also what you're both receiving the rewards that you're enjoying together. And. I also wanted to shout at this moment that I have released an empowered communication workshop, which will really help couples to communicate better. And we really talk about the pitfalls of when difficult communication occurs. So if you're interested, please check it out. It's on relationships, success, lab.com. And on that, you'll be able to find the empowered communication workshop until then. Take care. If you liked this show, please do me three solids first, share it with a friend because if he found it helpful, I bet you that one of your friends will DT second subscribe so that you never get to miss an episode and third, please rate the show to help other people find life changing content. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible, have a healthy and fulfilling relationships. So please help me in my mission.