The Grace Raised Podcast
Unhinged Pride: God doesn't need my help
Welcome back, dear friends, to the space where vulnerability intersects with divine wisdom—The Grace Raised Podcast. I've been on a journey, a bit of a hiatus, where the stillness spoke volumes and the lessons learned were many. In a candid confession, I peel back the curtain to reveal the deep internal work God has been doing in my heart, touching on the surprising ways our strengths can sometimes hinder His work. It's an honest look at the paradox of problem-solving, efficiency, and their role in our spiritual lives.
This episode is an open letter of sorts, where I address the spiritual battles of pride and self-righteousness head-on. It's a raw and real exploration of the grace that underpins our every action. Your thoughts and interactions have been the cornerstone of my own development, and it's with a heart full of thanks that I look forward to our continued discourse. Enclosed in these words is a prayer for grace to blossom in your life, just as it has in mine. Let's carry this conversation forward, beyond the echoes of this podcast, and may grace indeed lead your race.
Welcome back, dear friends, to the space where vulnerability intersects with divine wisdom—The Grace Raised Podcast. I've been on a journey, a bit of a hiatus, where the stillness spoke volumes and the lessons learned were many. In a candid confession, I peel back the curtain to reveal the deep internal work God has been doing in my heart, touching on the surprising ways our strengths can sometimes hinder His work. It's an honest look at the paradox of problem-solving, efficiency, and their role in our spiritual lives.
This episode is an open letter of sorts, where I address the spiritual battles of pride and self-righteousness head-on. It's a raw and real exploration of the grace that underpins our every action. Your thoughts and interactions have been the cornerstone of my own development, and it's with a heart full of thanks that I look forward to our continued discourse. Enclosed in these words is a prayer for grace to blossom in your life, just as it has in mine. Let's carry this conversation forward, beyond the echoes of this podcast, and may grace indeed lead your race.
Hi there. Oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm here again. It has been so long, like months, you know. January came and I was just like you know. We got this like just a couple week break, that's all we need. And then January turned into April and now it's May and I've had people coming out of the woodworks like girl, where are you at? Where's the product? Give me the services. Wow, that sounded real weird.
Speaker 1:I try to think before I speak and it doesn't work very well often. But I am working on that because God has revealed to me that my words have a little huge impact on people and obviously I mean you guys are listening to me still after 18 episodes and I don't know why. I've listened to some of them and they're weird and it really highlights how strange I am, which I don't tend to hear by myself when I'm just talking out loud. But anyway, all that to say I'm back. It's been a long break. It's spring now it's a whole new season and I am alone, it's just me, and there's no video and there's no captions and no fun Instagram videos or anything, and you know what. That's good, it's a good thing.
Speaker 2:You're listening to the Grace Race Podcast. I'm your host, Raya Jaffrey. Join me as I share my real-life stories and applications to walking out the gospel and living fully, embracing the grace of God through our everyday messes and experiences that has really had to do a lot of work on my heart in the last few months.
Speaker 1:Well, I mean, it's always doing work on my heart. I'm a hot mess, if anyone has failed to notice so far. I mean I've been, I think, pretty, pretty honest in this podcast so far and I plan to continue being honest. I didn't realize how many people were listening to this and how many lives it was impacting, and you know, at the end of the day, with everything that I've walked through in my life the suffering and the hardships and the lead you to the cross that it will highlight things in your own hearts and lives and you can encounter the spirit of God in the same way that I have. But, all that being said, I just wanted to kind of share and be open and honest about where I've been and what the Lord has been doing in my heart, because I think that this is something that, when you're in ministry or in church settings or church settings or just trying to do the right thing, that this is probably something that a lot of us have struggled with and not even realized it. It took a lot of peeling back layers for the Lord to be able to get to my heart on this issue and to really highlight where my mind was, because it was so subconscious. It wasn't like out in the public, it wasn't flashing on billboards, there wasn't like this, you know, big descriptive essay on like. This is why I'm doing this and it revealing all of the like ugly things in my heart about it.
Speaker 1:Um, I am a doer and one of my roles in jobs that I do really well, so roles that I tend to get hired for, things that I really enjoy doing in work settings and in business settings is, you know, solving problems, making things more efficient, figuring out ways to, um, maximize the impact of either the services or the product. But really, just, I, I love that. It's like a, it's a puzzle that allows you to get into like and the details and and figure out ways to make it better, and then you get to see the impact of that and you get to see like, oh, look, you know I was able to take X, y and Z and make it do this, and that's such an exciting thing to be a part of. I'm a critical thinker, I'm a problem solver, and so that's just a natural part of my flesh, that's a natural gift that I have. It's not inherently bad and in fact it's something that often is a good thing to have. It's a great thing to have on a team when you're looking at trying to make the best of what you have.
Speaker 1:And I feel like a lot of times, especially in my life, because it's not been an easy walk We've been dirt poor, we've struggled and we've suffered. I haven't had enough time, you know, like our resources have just been limited. So I learned and have continued learning over the course of years of practice, how to maximize every area of my life. I want my time to be used efficiently. I want to see the kingdom of God be, you know, used and and I don't even know what the word I'm looking for, but like I just want to see the impact for the kingdom of God as much as possible. So, whether it's coming into my you know life as a family, so in my, my parenting, in my marriage or my friends, I want to see what God has given me used the most effective way that it can to make the most impact in all of those spaces. And that, I think, has left me in a place of stepping outside of God's like ask of me. He will give me things and visions and purpose, and and I will respond obediently at first, but then I don't know where, why or how or when it happens, but somewhere deep in my brain something just gets unlocked and I feel this need, like, oh, I could do this better, I could make this better for the kingdom of God, like if I did X, y and Z, like then these people will hear and these people will hear and this person will, you know, feel this more deeply. And I come up with all of these strategies and I just put God's name on it and I don't actually stop and ask, like, is this what God's asking of me? Yes, it has positive potential. It potentially could reach more people, but is that what God wants from this? Is that what God wants from me? And the answer is no.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry if you hear me clearing my throat a little bit. I'm still recovering from being sick. I finally had my voice back. I got to experience laryngitis in its fullest, which has probably played into me even being here today, if I'm honest, because I couldn't talk for a while, and when I did talk, it was really painful and really challenging, but in that moment not moment it was like days and it definitely didn't feel like a moment. It felt like an eternity when I couldn't speak or when speaking was painful and I had to be more accountable to what I was saying.
Speaker 1:I think I began to realize and the Lord began to show me, like, how much of what I do and the motivation behind what I do is fear and control, and I think even like the heart of that goes into what happened with this podcast. I was afraid that I wasn't enough by myself. I was afraid that I wasn't making any impact for the kingdom of God, like somehow I could make things happen which we all know is ridiculous, and I was afraid that my time wasn't being used well with it. And so, like the wonderful problem solver that I am, I was like, well, I'll just invite these people that I know are love the Lord and I will, you know, do this with the Instagram and the social media, even though I hate it and there is no peace in it. I know that we have to do these things in order to get this podcast out there, in order that people would see this and know it. And, you know, we got a couple episodes out. It was great, it was fun, but it was also really stressful.
Speaker 1:It just didn't come naturally, first of all and it's not that the topics that we talked about were bad you know, they are great topics, but that's not, I think, what God wanted to do with this podcast and I stepped out on my own in disobedience and I'm going to leave those episodes up there for you because I think that God can use those despite me being in my flesh. You know, I consider taking them down just because I'm embarrassed, like you can see and hear, the difference and what it looks like for me to be walking in obedience in the flesh, like in the spirit of God, and what it looks like for me to step out of that into my own flesh and to try operating outside of the spirit of God just with my own natural abilities which guys not too great. Sure, I can talk, I can communicate, but when it's not birthed and breathed through the spirit, it is not going to be as effective, it is not going to be as life-giving, not just for the other people who are being impacted, but also for me. It began draining me and I couldn't figure out why, like why was this so much harder? All of a a sudden, I was having anxiety attacks. I was being woken up in the middle of the night. I was truly tormented by it, and so rightly so. The Lord made it very clear to me that I needed to stop and take a step away, and I'm very, very happy that he is so faithful and continuing to pull me to him and correct me. I love that I have a father that is so kind and gracious that even in my stubbornness, he continues to open my eyes to see areas in my life that I keep trying to have control in. And I put, you know, like titles on it, like oh, this is for God's kingdom, it's good, he's going to bless this, he's going to do X, y and Z through this, and he never said those things Y and Z through this. And he never said those things. And I I'm I'm making that up in my own mind because I think I know better. And that's how often do I do that in other areas of my life? A lot. I can answer that question right now Like I'm constantly overproducing and over problem solving and not resting in the spirit, because somewhere in my brain I've decided that I know better than God. I know what our family needs better. I know how to make sure our finances, you know, are in better shape than what God would have me do. It doesn't make logical sense that I should give this money to this person when we need this to do X, y and Z, which you know is also for his kingdom.
Speaker 1:Sometimes I find myself falling back into this state of pride and self-righteousness which is terrifying. I have spent so many years of my life being completely blind to how ugly and how much pride and self-righteousness had imprisoned my mindset and my heart, how much it had separated me from experiencing the fullness of God, how much I inhibited his ability not his ability, but his work in my life, because I was just so wrapped up in myself and in my purity and holiness Like that's, that's self-righteousness, that Pharisee, sadducee mindset and a lot of people. I just find it so interesting because a lot of people in my life that I've, you know, spoken to about my sin issues, you know, people will just be like, oh, that's not that bad. But guys, it's bad, it's super bad. Pride and self-righteousness is like the worst of the worst sins, like, okay, I don't care what you've done If your heart is in the right place and you are meek and mild. That's who the kingdom of God is for.
Speaker 1:The kingdom of God is not for the proud, the haughty, the self-righteous, those who think that they're better than themselves. Just go read Matthew, and just in chapter seven, I mean, if you listen to any of the Sermon on the Mount, like he's addressing your heart, posture and and pride and self-righteousness is like the opposing argument, for this is someone who is not of the kingdom of God. And that's me Like I have been chronically unwell because I thought and think oftentimes that I know better than God, that I'm better than other people, or that I'm doing all the right things. I'm responding to the arguments. While I'm responding to these broken and fractured relationships or this unfair situation, I'm not like being mean back, so I must be better, or I I know how to get this podcast further. You know, just put it on Instagram, that'll be fine, um, but no, that's not what God wanted from me, and so I was stepping into my flesh and not into his spirit, and that's wrong, and you have all been a witness to this, any of you who have listened from the beginning.
Speaker 1:And I just want to say first of all, I feel like I need to say this Like I. I'm sorry, I I'm, I truly was in sin in that and I owe you as an apology. I owe you, I owe you an explanation because you're here listening to what I have to say, and that's a big deal. I am not anyone special, I'm not someone who has answers for you. I'm just here to share my life. But, nonetheless, you are listening to me and the Lord is speaking and moving and he's made that very clear.
Speaker 1:You guys, so many of you, have shared stories and testimonies of how God has used this despite me, which is incredible. I mean, just what a faithful God that we serve. Oh, my word. But I owe it to you to be coming before you in the spirit and not in my flesh, and I am sorry that I took advantage of your hearts and your time, um, and stepping out in my flesh instead of in the spirit and um, I just encourage you like to go back and listen to some of my first episodes, the first ones here, and then some of the later ones. So, like um, probably like episodes 17, 18, and just hear the difference in them, because it's very clear, like now, that I am out, then outside of it long enough, like the spirit just opened my eyes and and really revealed that and I want this to be a testimony for you as well Like to be encouraged, like when you are walking in the spirit and you are obeying him and just responding out of obedience, like he can do so much more with you in your brokenness, like you're not having it all together is okay.
Speaker 1:He just wants you to be obedient, and there is a difference between being obedient and then adding a little flavor to it. He doesn't ask for our flavoring. He doesn't need us to help him season his gourmet meal. He's already got it, girl. He's got it done perfectly, the way that he wants it. He already knows the people that you're going to reach or impact. He already knows the things that are happening in your life. You don't have to add to it. I don't have to add to it. I can just obey and just respond to what the Lord is saying and speaking and moving through me, and so I just wanted to share that with you.
Speaker 1:I felt very convicted about all of this and you know the things that I say. Like we are all responsible for what we say. You can't take it back once it's been out of your mouth. You know the Bible talks so much and I wish I had pulled scriptures for you right now but there's so much in the word of God about having accountability for the things that we say, the things that come out of our mouth. They can't be taken back. You know, the only one that can cover those sins is the grace of God himself. His sacrifice alone washes those things clean, but those memories are forever etched into people's minds. Potentially, I'm going to be sharing some more stories on that subject another week, um, which is going to be exciting, so I hope you're looking forward to that. I get to talk about my husband and I'm super, super excited because he's cool and awesome and I'm hoping he'll come on and talk with you too. But I'm just really have been. I know I'm stumbling over my words.
Speaker 1:There's just such a weight to this and realizing that in stepping outside of obedience, like your words have the potential to cause great harm. And I think, when we're talking about pride and self-righteousness, that's what I did, like I caused harm for the kingdom of God, because the way that I spoke about him and to other people really did a disservice to the cross. It did a disservice to the grace of God, because my heart posture wasn't reflecting a God who was full of grace and mercy and kindness. My heart was reflecting someone who thought they knew better, and that's a big deal. You know, I tell this story so often because it's, I think, so impactful.
Speaker 1:But like when I was walking through some just healing in my life and God had to reveal like this really big sin he I was going through like so much at the time, like I was trying to heal from some very, very big traumas in my life and I was kind of had this like victim mentality. I didn't, kind of I was, I had a victim mentality. I I really thought that like I was just being, I was the one that was always hurt and wronged and I didn't have any accountability for my mindset. And I just remember like I was at my lowest point, I just felt absolutely hopeless, I was despairing and the Lord was like this is the time, this is the time I'm going to do it. And I just I've never experienced so much power in when God spoke to me before, but when he did this time, I just remember him saying Leah you, you think of yourself more highly than you should.
Speaker 1:And then he was like in in my word, what group of people did I have no mercy for, no grace for? And immediately I knew what he was talking about. Right, he's talking about the Pharisees and Sadducees he was. Those are the only group of people in which he had any firm words. I think he swore at them Pretty sure he definitely insulted them. He called them a brood of vipers. That is not something I really wanted to be called, but I felt like in that moment no-transcript, that's you. So I just sat there like it took me a long, long time to process that, like months. It took me months to process what that meant.
Speaker 1:But I remember feeling, for the first time in my entire life, deep conviction and shame, but not shame. I guess shame is really the real wrong word. It wasn't shame as in like I couldn't recover from it or that God hadn't covered it, but I think it was the first time I ever had to take accountability for my actions and it was such like a profound like I couldn't excuse my behavior. He was exposing my heart and in a way that was like, yeah, you're the worst of the worst. Girl Like your little goody two-shoes Christian girl raised up, did everything right, responded the right way to your abusers. You are the worst of the worst and I think that this is something the church very often overlooks, or at least doesn't really like counsel people in.
Speaker 1:How do you, when everything about like you and how you're walking is producing what looks like good fruits, how do you hold someone accountable? It's really easy to say to someone who's relapsed right, oh, like, do you need some help and support, how can we walk alongside this with you? Like, how can we counsel you? It's really easy to identify, like actual actionable sin issues. Actionable sin is something that, like, we can say, oh, the fruits of this are evil or not good, and like, let's walk alongside you in grace. But how do you hold people accountable like me, when you're doing all the right things, when everything looks good from the outside? And I think one the Holy Spirit is amazing. He will convict you. So you don't need anyone else necessarily to say that, like, if you struggle with pride and self-righteousness, god and you're willing, god will reveal that to you. But you got to be asking, you got to be going to him, you got to be imploring for him to expose those areas in your life. But just know, if you ask God to reveal sin issues in your life, just be prepared because he will. He 100% will, and that's a good thing because it draws us closer into his arms.
Speaker 1:That experience was the first time I ever really began to understand what grace was. I know I've talked this whole story, about this whole story earlier in earlier episodes, but the amazing thing is like when you know that you have a sin issue so for me, pride and self-righteousness you have to arm yourself against it. And even when you arm yourself against it, you have to be constantly aware that it's probably subconsciously happening within your brain and you don't even know it. When I first started this podcast, this is something I prayed for protection over and, in God's faithfulness, he has continued to reveal to me and to show me when I am falling back into those things. And, like I was explaining earlier, things got hard with the podcast. You know, as I started stepping into my flesh and outside of the spirit, outside of what God had actually instructed me to do, it wasn't easy anymore and I just chalked it up to like, oh, that's just like demonic warfare, like of course Satan doesn't want this to be successful, of course he doesn't want people to hear that, and so that was my excuse. But sometimes things are hard because it's a warning side that you're not in the spirit of God, that you're operating out of your flesh and your desires and not actually listening to what the Lord wants to do, because, at the end of the day, my time and my services are the Lord's.
Speaker 1:I gave my life to Christ, which means that it's no longer about what I want to do or what I want to see happen. It's not about what is comfortable or what's convenient. It's not about you know my dreams and objectives Now. It's about God, it's about his kingdom, it's about what he either does or doesn't want to do with or through me. You know, sometimes the answer is no. Sometimes the answer is, hey, that's not my plan for you. Hey, that's not my plan for you. Hey, that's, that's really not what I had in mind for this. Like he cares more about our obedience, my obedience, um and he cares more about where my heart is as it relates to him. Then he cares about how I'm effective, my effectivity that's definitely not a real word. How effective or ineffective I am has nothing to do with the kingdom of God, because the kingdom of God is the Lord's, and the Lord will do what he wants, with or without me. It is not dependent on what I think he needs to do.
Speaker 1:Or if I had just done something better, guess what? In this whole season of me being completely off the podcast, I have deleted my website, I have deleted my Instagram, which are just things that I felt like he was telling me to do and I didn't know why. I was just like, hey, you know what? You're just going to remove yourself from all this. I knew the podcast wasn't over, like that was something that was just kind of clear to me, but I knew that I needed to create a space where God was doing the work and not me. And so, you know, a few months go by and all of a sudden, I've got all of these people you know whether they're neighbors or like people that I'm meeting down the road or you know, just out in the wild and the Lord is somehow, not somehow, like it's a magic, like, of course, it's God. He can do anything. He's been spreading this podcast without me, without me being active, without me posting, without me putting out new content, which goes against everything that, like you know that's not the algorithm.
Speaker 1:God will use whatever he wants to, whenever he wants to, however he wants to. All I have to do is obey. It's not about me and what I accomplish with my life. Yes, I want to be used for the kingdom of God. I want the things that I have suffered and walked through to be something that other people can have as a tool so they don't have to go through the same thing to learn the same lessons.
Speaker 1:I would love for all of you listening to this please learn from my life. Please don't make the same mistakes that I. I would love for all of you listening to this. Please learn from my life. Please don't. Don't make the same mistakes that I make. Run to the Lord, like just lay yourselves down, just just do it. Don't. Don't make him have to take you through all the hard things in order for you to let go of your, your life. Um, I want you to experience the same joy and freedom and the new life and the new resurrection that we have with him, and so, in any way that my life and my experiences can help you in your walk and can help the kingdom of God, that's what I want, but I also have to be okay if God chooses not to use me, if, like at the end of the day, am I happy and content enough with just my relationship with him, with what he has or has not already done?
Speaker 1:Could I like expire today and be in heaven tomorrow and just be okay with that? I think a lot of us want to see that our sacrifices and our commitments and the depression and the hard things that we've walked through need to equal at least the same in our minds of what comes from it, like the benefits of it. If we sacrifice for seven years and it's long, hard toils we want to see profound experiences that come from that new life. You know, beyond that, are three lives enough? What if? What if God only saves one person through all of my life's experiences? Will I feel satisfied with that? I think for a long time my honest answer would have been no. No, I need to see more impact for the kingdom of God. I need to know that what I've walked through is resulting in enough. I need to know that my ministry has more impact than that, because I don't know if it was worth it to go through that. But, guys, I'm missing the point, then. The point is that I walk through these things to encounter him, the God of the universe, like at the end of the day. Yes, I want people to experience him because I know how good he is, and if God wants to use me, then please, lord, use my life, take me, do whatever you want to. Just help make the kingdom stronger. Bring people into your kingdom. Just help make the kingdom stronger. Bring people into your kingdom, these people that I know and love. Give them these experiences, help them to know you. But, at the end of the day, even if he doesn't use me, even if he doesn't use the things that I've walked through, just being able to have walked through that and to encounter him, to have fullness of joy in who he is and who he has created me, to be through him, is enough and I think, for the first time in a long time, like I can say confidently yes, he is, I just want him. I hope that you can come alongside and experience the same joy and freedom that I have. But, at the end of the day, if God doesn't use me, if he doesn't use this podcast, if he doesn't use this book, if he doesn't use this ministry, if he doesn't use my family, if he doesn't use my marriage, if none of these things produce something that I can say tangibly, look at what you've done through me. He is enough. I will toil and suffer for the rest of my days to continue to encounter his fullness of grace and glory, and that is enough.
Speaker 1:Is it enough for you? Is your relationship and your encounter with the living God enough that, even if he doesn't use your life or he doesn't use your ministry, or he doesn't use your gifts, will you be satisfied? Will you be obedient to what he is asking you to do, even if you never, ever, see the product, the fruit of that labor? Are you content with who God has created you to be through him, if no one else is impacted by it? Now, granted, we are called to share the gospel. We are called to make disciples. God gives us a directive. That is a directive, but sometimes I think we get into our own minds about what that should look like and we allow God to take a backseat into those plans and we think, oh, I can make this better.
Speaker 1:I can do this better than God can. It would be more effective, a better ministry, if X, y and Z happened, instead of saying hey, lord, do you want me to do this? Is this how you want me to walk? Is this what you want me to say? Am I having discernment or am I just stepping inside of my own knowledge? Am I operating in my giftings, within my flesh, or am I allowing the spirit to move me and operate in a bigger, more profound way? Okay, so this is where we're at right now.
Speaker 1:I am a broken and fallen human who desperately relies on the grace of God, god One. I am feeling extremely convicted and I'm very sorry for the things that I've said and done with you that has been outside of the spirit, outside of obedience to the Lord. I pray that he has protected your hearts and your ears from things that I may have said or done outside of his spirit, and I pray that this is a tool to be an impact in your life and in your heart, in your ministries. I hope that the Lord will use this, and if he doesn't, that's okay. But I'm just here to confess where my heart's been and why I've been quiet for so long.
Speaker 1:So, going forward, I may have a guest on here now and then, but it's not going to be the standard practice. You're just going to be stuck with me for a while and I'm just going to post when I feel like the Lord is telling me to and that's that. That's it. No fancy Instagram posts, nothing. Just me in my life, following God and learning the hard way very often, all the time. So, if you want to stick around and learn the hard way with me or actually don't, don't learn the hard way, listen to me, learn how to not do it my way and be wiser and more fruitful than I, all right, I'm going to go this week, but keep your ears out, because I know that there are more episodes coming and I love you all and I'm just so appreciative of all of the ways that God has worked and used you to convict me, because he's using you too. All right, peace out.
Speaker 2:You've been listening to the Grace Race Podcast. If you have a question or thought or comment about today's episode, please feel free to reach out to me. You can reach me at grace raise gals at gmailcom. Until next time, I pray that you encounter god's full grace overflowing in your day-to-day life. Okay, bye.