Get ready for a podcast episode that's anything but ordinary! Picture this: accidentally setting your best friend's wedding dress on fire. Yep, it happened to me! Don't worry, because this wild ride of an episode is packed with laughs and a touch of horror. We'll dive deep into the world of manifestations, anxiety, and the incredible power of our thoughts.
But wait, there's more! We're about to venture into parenting, but not your typical parenting chat. We're talking about the unique challenges and rewards of raising neurodiverse children. Buckle up as we tackle ADHD and how it impacts family life, travel plans, finances, and, oh, did I mention impulsive shopping? The 'ADHD tax' is real, my friends. Plus, we'll explore the pressures and joys of being parents, especially when a Parisian adventure is on the horizon!
And when you thought things couldn't get any more interesting, we'll have you tearing you up. Have you ever shed a tear during a job interview? Yeah, we've been there too. We'll share how vulnerability can be a game-changer, even in the most professional settings. Throughout this rollercoaster of a conversation, we'll emphasize the importance of empathy, understanding, and breaking free from societal norms.
So, fasten your seatbelts and join us on this whirlwind journey through life, filled with laughter, tears, and everything in between. Trust me, you don't want to miss this episode!
Outro
This is a special edition episode recorded from a webinar.
Get ready for a podcast episode that's anything but ordinary! Picture this: accidentally setting your best friend's wedding dress on fire. Yep, it happened to me! Don't worry, because this wild ride of an episode is packed with laughs and a touch of horror. We'll dive deep into the world of manifestations, anxiety, and the incredible power of our thoughts.
But wait, there's more! We're about to venture into parenting, but not your typical parenting chat. We're talking about the unique challenges and rewards of raising neurodiverse children. Buckle up as we tackle ADHD and how it impacts family life, travel plans, finances, and, oh, did I mention impulsive shopping? The 'ADHD tax' is real, my friends. Plus, we'll explore the pressures and joys of being parents, especially when a Parisian adventure is on the horizon!
And when you thought things couldn't get any more interesting, we'll have you tearing you up. Have you ever shed a tear during a job interview? Yeah, we've been there too. We'll share how vulnerability can be a game-changer, even in the most professional settings. Throughout this rollercoaster of a conversation, we'll emphasize the importance of empathy, understanding, and breaking free from societal norms.
So, fasten your seatbelts and join us on this whirlwind journey through life, filled with laughter, tears, and everything in between. Trust me, you don't want to miss this episode!
Outro
This is a special edition episode recorded from a webinar.
Oh wow, so we're recording.
Speaker 2:Yep Morning.
Speaker 1:Laura, has been ages since we've caught up, hasn't?
Speaker 2:it how long, other than just kind of a quick hello on a podcast.
Speaker 1:And also rushed messages between each other over the past few weeks Because I've been away. You've been mega busy as well. You've been away. So you're wedding, not your wedding. But were you, did you set a wedding dress on fire or something?
Speaker 2:Yes, thanks for reminding me I did. Yeah, I mean, I say that quite nonchalant, however it is factual. I did in fact manage to set my best friend's wedding dress alight and in a small amount I obviously overdramatised it for effect.
Speaker 1:My opinion. Do you Were you having a good time? No, no, no you had a dress.
Speaker 2:She had a lovely idea for this really cool photograph which I'll share with you. We all had sparklers for the last photograph of the dog. If I weren't home and all the bridal party had to stand outside and hold our sparklers and I was stood next to her lovely big brother, kenneth, who is a fireman, thankfully, and I did make a joke saying well, I hope this has been properly risk. He's a fireman, yeah.
Speaker 1:Joking.
Speaker 2:I said I hope this has been properly risk assessed because it looks potentially dangerous that we all have sparklers and chiffon dresses that are probably very flammable and Cathy and I do apologise in advance, but if anyone is going to set your dress in fire, it will be me. Haha, Did you just get?
Speaker 1:carried away with your sparkler.
Speaker 2:No, do you know what happened? Some of the ash from the sparkler broke off of mine and I was stood behind her and the train of the dress was on the ground in front of me, and so when the ash broke off, it landed on her dress and then the embers just started going on fire on her dress. So her brother and I had a bit of a moment where I looked at him, he looked at me and he said stamp on it. And I'm gone, I am stamping All that training it's good.
Speaker 1:You Exactly yeah.
Speaker 2:So not only did I set it alight, I then had to stamp it out with my trainers on my bridesmaid trainers, and you just didn't have to get the helicopt out.
Speaker 2:You know Well exactly Could have been worse and she had a really nice time. She's a lovely photograph that she's used now, I believe, as the little thank you cards, as just a reminder to me that I set it on fire and she took it very gracefully that I said I did voice it out loud, that potentially it was going to be me and I did, and I'm so sorry you know what happened there, laura, you manifested that.
Speaker 1:I know I took it in manifestation and you just manifested it. My six year old is going through a phase where she's just like I think it's just going back to school and the demands of it really kind of grumpy and she'll wake up and she goes. Oh you know, it just doesn't really bother me and I'll say it's going to be a great day, like some annoying children's entertainer or something.
Speaker 2:Come on.
Speaker 1:She's like no, it's not. And I said, well, if it's not going to be, if you say it's not going to be a good day, then it won't be a good day, but if you say it's going to be a good day, oh, I'm annoying myself. What's the deal? No, I think she had a shit day you know, oh well, she was, you bought it on yourself love.
Speaker 2:You bought it on yourself. You know what's funny. Actually, speaking about that, I don't know if you remember me telling you the story of when Max had his anaphylaxis on the airplane.
Speaker 1:I can't do it, but yeah, I do remember.
Speaker 2:I fed him a nut, a cashew nut, because I was eating them, and I thought to myself oh my God, I'm not even a thing. I rationalised it in my head, saying he'll be fine, he's had nuts before, he's had crunchy nut conflict, he's had peanut butter cookies.
Speaker 2:How old was he at this point? Just over a year old, ok. And I thought to myself God, can you imagine if somebody took an anaphylaxis on an airplane? Hmm, I wonder what they do. I wonder if they carry adrenaline. God, can you imagine if Max took an anaphylaxis? And then I looked at him and.
Speaker 2:I thought. I feel as if I manifested that I thought that I caused it to happen, but, almost like I don't know, there was something that potentially I knew that that was going to happen because I had thought about it as it was happening.
Speaker 1:That's terrifying, isn't it? And I do think about that story quite a lot, actually, because I typically experience anxiety quite a lot. It comes and goes, you know, subject matter can be different, but if I think something bad is going to happen to kids, I think, oh my God, they're going to be like they're going in the car with my mum. I mean, that's bad enough, right? So they're going in the car with my mum and I'm thinking no, she's not too bad actually.
Speaker 1:And you just worry no, did she have. And then I think, oh my God, what if they crash on there on the job? Her age way or something? And I think you're manifesting it, because that's what Laura did.
Speaker 2:I got Laura's out and then you hit the nanoflacks, so I don't need to play.
Speaker 1:But it's the argument you have with yourself in your brain. Is this anxiety or is this real? Yeah, and occasionally I suppose things do turn out to be real, don't they Like the God love in Max having that that real? And and it almost can. If you've got an anxious mind, it can confirm like, oh yeah, everything is going to turn out.
Speaker 2:It's all going to happen. It's all going to be true.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But it's never the, you know, it's never the really good things, is it? But for a while now? I've been manifesting that £50,000 that you told me to manifest a long time ago.
Speaker 1:I told you to go for more, actually, but and I am still not going to have anything, or am I, or am I. But do you believe you've got it? This is it.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, I absolutely believe in myself.
Speaker 1:Well, then they know not that you believe in yourself. Do you believe you would? Do you behave like you've already got it, Like I don't mean?
Speaker 2:going out. I mean I spend just a bit more Like you're going to manifest it.
Speaker 1:Just follow me for more financial tips. Just think about it, it'll happen. Spend it and you'll have it. There is something to that. I think we've had quite a few guests on, haven't we? Some fabulous guests, actually A few weeks really, and we've got some more coming up, don't we? Which I think will be really interesting.
Speaker 2:But, today.
Speaker 1:We wanted to catch up. Because we haven't caught up anyway, We'd click the podcast doors, we've hardly had a minute to chat. No, we haven't. It's been crazy. Summer's over and the season of viruses and goodwill is upon us, and I'm just wondering, laura, how was your summer?
Speaker 2:So you had the kids. I would say that it was absolutely fucking shite.
Speaker 1:Was it really?
Speaker 2:No, I just felt stressed because I think because the kids, particularly Jodie there is no real routine there and she finds that very difficult. Although she enjoys not having to go up for school etc. She becomes bored very easily and I can see that she needs a routine.
Speaker 1:So Jodie, just to remind us, has a very special mind, hasn't she?
Speaker 2:She does indeed that's a good way to describe it A very special mind and she's at the very special age of 14. That's proven to be very challenging, but not special, not special. So yeah, it's been challenging. There has been lots of fun times. We had a nice time when we were up in Scotland, although I did feel as if I spent most of my time unpacking to repack for all the trips that we were doing.
Speaker 2:Like when we were in the house. Yeah, exactly, we went away with John's parents for his dad's 70th birthday, which was lovely, oh nice. And yeah, obviously, we had my friends wedding. We got to catch up with family and stuff and done a bit of shopping. It was nice, but I wouldn't say it was relaxing. So what I could really be doing with now is a week in the Maldives Just me and John, or just me, if you want to stay here with the kids.
Speaker 1:Oh, wouldn't that be incredible.
Speaker 2:Anyway, how do you not call me Louise?
Speaker 1:You would miss the Milora. Just go back a second To the reality of it, no hesitation.
Speaker 2:Do you remember last year John and I went to France for five days and my mum very kindly came over to babysit here. And then the whole time he gets on saying oh I miss the kids, I miss the kids and I don't. I really see that.
Speaker 1:You've got to, haven't you? Oh, absolutely, pete and I having some time away. So we haven't had time away really to ourselves since well before COVID, so that's well before our third and youngest child, yeah, and so we're going away for three nights, oh, at the end of this month, paris.
Speaker 2:Emily and Paris, you ever, did you ever watch that? Oh great, it's such a feel good. Program. I mean it's probably a little rubbish, but I really enjoy watching it. It kind of is a bit of escapism.
Speaker 1:Oh, really, oh, I might watch it.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm sure it's probably nothing like the sitcom Emily and Paris, but in my mind it is. So just tell me that it is have you been to Paris Never.
Speaker 1:You've never been. I've never been, you couldn't know. No, we've both been kind of on the outskirts, We've been to the obviously the most traditional part of Paris, which would be Disneyland, oh yeah, but we haven't again, you know, we haven't been into the city, so and I'm told that's where the magic is. So, yeah, I'm looking forward to it. It'll be, it'll be nice. It's just, I think, like you say, sometimes it gets so overwhelming, I think, for most of us just organizing three kids. You know a husband as well to a certain extent.
Speaker 2:Well, it's great that they are basically another, another child, because I do find that the mother carries. Although my husband is excellent, he's, you know, he's hands-on. I can hear him down the stairs. He's off with a bad back at the minute. He's walking around in a lot of pain and I can hear him down the stairs, I don't know, doing the dishes or whatever. He's still pottering around and doing stuff and he has very hands-on.
Speaker 2:I do think the mental load of the mother is bigger. The mother is the oh miss family. The mother in this family is definitely the administrator, the bill payer, the, the CEO aren't you. Yeah, exactly, and the payout, that sounds great, the CEO, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it does, and so do you realise she's also the cleaner? Yeah, the chef.
Speaker 2:The chef, you are the whole structure, the organisational structure. It's your name at every, at every point.
Speaker 1:Every department, your head of department.
Speaker 2:It is.
Speaker 1:I was watching a comedian talk about it actually, and he says it was quite a funny one let me. I do this all the time. I hear jokes, they make me really laugh and then I can't repeat them because I can't remember it was something along the lines of it was a male comedian.
Speaker 1:He was talking about his wife and they have children. He was saying he's like the Vice President, like she's the Vice President. He's the Vice President, so has to run everything past her, Takes directions from her directly. I suppose the clue's in the name and if you think of it as like a business structure, that's usually one. If there's two parents in structure which there is an hour's, then I think typically there's one who is the CEO, one who is there Absolutely, but so it can be stressful. But I'll tell you now, I travel quite a lot with my family. I think it's because I've got ADHD and I can't, it's still very long have you seen ADHD.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know if you've ever picked up on that. I just, I always have this longing to explore and be somewhere new and it's all, and it's it's all, also that sense of urgency, Like well, I don't know when I'm going to die. I need to go there now because, you know, people sometimes say, well, when the kids are growing up, we'll do X, Y and Z, and I'm like what, what? Why are we? So we come to mind.
Speaker 2:We shouldn't have that.
Speaker 1:Just spend any spare money we have on holidays Instead of Instead of spending anything yeah, that would give us a return or anything. So I I historically have always found enjoyed traveling, but I had really accumulated these patterns over time with traveling with kids, so I could be quite organized and make sure they've got everything. However, it would be a very last minute job, so trying to make sure they have everything kind of the night before is all, and people would say to me oh, but you can't wait to go on your holiday and I'm like I'm dreading this week coming up because this is just too much for me. It was too much for me, but just, you know, I just thought that's, that's, that's how it is.
Speaker 1:However, this time we I think it's a mixture of, obviously I'm having kind of treatment, as in medication, but also implementing some different strategies when it comes to planning. And I I surprised myself, I surprised everyone around me, my parents that's amazing and just by preparing, getting the cases out and starting early with kind of packing things, washing them, ironing them, and I was less so much less stressed about it. I even managed to leave the house the day we went on holiday and I I pretty much kind of cleaned everywhere and, you know, made sure. I was almost kind of on a high just doing everything in preparation for me going away and you would enjoy and doing it. I felt a real sense of satisfaction, real sense of now this isn't me boasting, right, because I'm the person who can't do those things or didn't do them it would always be very less, very rushed, you know, and you get in the car thinking, oh, I've forgotten something, and you know.
Speaker 2:I mean, there's a lot of tension in the family, isn't there? You have less tolerance to the kids and all that Exactly, and they pick up on it, don't?
Speaker 1:they Absolutely pick up on it. It just felt very, very different this time and when we actually got on holiday overall, I was able to relax, Amazing Overall. Obviously, as much as you can with retreating.
Speaker 2:I mean, is it ever a holiday, or are you just looking after your children in a different location?
Speaker 1:Yeah, just getting some more freckles while I do it, I suppose.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly, getting a good top up of a vitamin D in the Turkish sun.
Speaker 1:I. It was beautiful, and the thing I loved the most not surprising to you, laura was being in the sea, and that was what I have. It was like a bath, right. I feel like Moana, like it's called. It was just so amazing. We went to this area it's called the Blue Lagoon, so it's kind of an insulator, and it's very I don't know if you've been there, but it's very still waters and that's why it's so warm as well. It's perfect for the kids. And then we did a boat trip. It was my husband's birthday while we were up there, so we hired about just the five of us. Obviously, there was a skipper and like a person cooking.
Speaker 2:I was going to say that that did you just do it like a quick overnight? How to deal about less than because it wouldn't surprise me.
Speaker 1:No, I didn't. I know it wouldn't surprise you, but no, that's not what happened, thankfully just being in the middle of the ocean, you know, just stopping the boat and swimming, like that it was like did you jump off the boat?
Speaker 1:I jumped off the boat. I was holding sea urchins. We were. There were fish around us. There was this beautiful like rope swing upon a rocky kind of bank from the sea. So Mary was going up there, she was coming out on the rope swing dropping into the sea. It was just beautiful. It was beautiful.
Speaker 2:It sounds really picturesque and kind of holiday brochure-esque.
Speaker 1:It does sound like that, doesn't it? But don't get me wrong. There were moments where you know we'd go out for dinner and our two year old would just scream, or, and then we would, being really active parents that we are, we would just go and buy him some plastic ship from the shop to keep him entertained, but then that would just be like a noisy ambulance or something. It would just irritate everybody else in the restaurant as well as us. But yeah, it was, it was good, I'd say. Probably, since we've had kids, it's probably the holiday that I've most relaxed and enjoyed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and how did? I'm interested to hear how Peter found it and how is he managing his ADHD and his medication and how is that he's just?
Speaker 1:he's not long been diagnosed, does he? And started a medication. He is he's doing exceptionally well, really really well. I think the one of the big changes he mentions is he feels like his social skills have improved. Wow, and I I wondered. We had this conversation and I said do you think it might be because you understand yourself more, you can be more compassionate towards yourself, around the socialising and interacting with other people? Hmm, but he, he feels that it is definitely as the medication and it maybe it's part of that emotional regulation that the medication can certainly help.
Speaker 1:That it takes away, although outwardly, you know, it's been particularly anxious, but it would be a real kind of introvert or just always seemed a bit unsure about what to say to people, if that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, that's completely Because if you know, my husband is 60, he's a lot older than I am.
Speaker 2:He doesn't look 60, does he?
Speaker 1:Well, he can't look 60, can he? He's got all these young kids he's got to look after.
Speaker 2:But also I think he just doesn't work as if he's a guy. Yeah, no, he doesn't. I believe he told me he was like something 50, because I don't think he was that old he is really old Peter, 60 is like.
Speaker 1:60 is like like I can't get any older. He's not getting some middle-aged.
Speaker 1:You know that's what's going on. No, he's very active. He's a very healthy guy, very, you know, very kind of. He has ADHD, so he's always got something he wants to be doing. He's got this real energy, you know, but you think so, him being 60, so I'm almost certain ADHD was not a thing when he was at school and he grew up with he grew up with adopted parents, and the reason I'm saying that is not typically relevant, but the reason I'm saying that is there's a high correlation isn't there between us having it and our parents and our children and you know that's a reddit to Ava to ADHD. So I don't think that he had anyone around him who maybe was similar in that sense.
Speaker 1:Yeah okay, yeah, both his parents were non-blog.
Speaker 2:They weren't his biological parents Does he know much about his biological parents out of entry yes, he does.
Speaker 1:So he that's yeah, that's a very interesting story. That's probably another podcast, I think. So he, his parents, were such lovely people, very, very humble people, and they'd say to him you know, when he started to go out to work, at what age 16 or whatever it was you know well, don't say this because I think you're bigheaded and don't do this and don't do that. He was a real chat box, real. You know all of those typical symptoms. But he almost became really just afraid of saying what did I?
Speaker 2:yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm just going to say something and it's going to piss people off.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you just feel quite aware of the potential impact or whatever. He was trying to fly under them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's just another side effect of the kind of erosion of self-esteem that we typically have. I don't keep saying typically today it's like my favourite fucking word, but I don't like yeah.
Speaker 2:Is that because you're manifest in being typical. Rather than You're a typical, you're a diverse?
Speaker 1:Yes, probably, I just want to be typical. I don't. No, I actually do it. That sounds so boring, doesn't it? It sounds really boring, it sounds really gel. So he's yeah, he's done a bit of a discovery, a journey of discovery, as cheesy as that sounds and one of the things I really like about it is when you talk about yourself and John it sounds like overall, there's a nice balance. Yeah, you know, like he said, you could be quite chaotic, or yeah, I mean he's very yeah.
Speaker 1:So Pete and I are both like, although I think our age actually manifests quite differently in each of us and we each have struggles. He is as forgetful as me. He's got zero interest in looking at bills and paying them or or parking fines or all of that admin stuff that we're typical. We're both shit at it Okay. So I think at times, particularly before I got diagnosed, I found it really overwhelming because I was kind of picking up that stuff but not doing it effectively at all.
Speaker 1:Okay, and then we started to you know, I got diagnosed. We started to understand that he probably did have ADHD and I became more understanding of him and myself. And then you leap forward again. He has a diagnosis, he understands more, and so we're figuring it all out together. If that makes sense, we're just like what can we do to? Okay, we're not gonna sit there and let's not kid ourselves that we can be people. We're not. So what can we do?
Speaker 2:Does that make sense? You can be the best person of yourselves.
Speaker 1:Just, and I think, working with your strengths isn't it? It's thinking what are my strengths and I need to really focus on those, because I'm not gonna focus on the bits that bore me. Yeah, I need to understand that. Or I don't know, set time aside to do things, like all your admin staff, or, and then find a convenient reason not to do it, which is usually what I'm talking about.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely Do you feel as if the both of you getting diagnosed has brought you closer together, Made you a bit of a stronger family unit.
Speaker 1:It probably has. It probably has. I mean, we've obviously we're married, so we're quite close and we have a very kind of we have open communication between us. But, like Peter says, even Peter says now he feels like he can be even more open with me, he's even more it tuned in to my emotions and his emotions. And the kid and he said and I would have been the person that he could trust the most in the world and still that was that that kind of barrier. But it's breaking it down, isn't it? And it's kind of understanding it. But I think we're at a point with him I'm sure he won't mind me talking about this, what he does, okay.
Speaker 2:It's really easy, you just bring that, is that?
Speaker 1:just the kind of relationship we've got. You just just want to tell him right, and the CEO so I think a point where we find some. I mean he's never had any kind of talking therapy or anything like that.
Speaker 1:Or any mental health problems in his life that he would recognise, but just to be able to process. There's trauma that needs to be processed to think, and I think he's more able to process that now. And that link between trauma and ADHD and the confusion I think sometimes that can crop up with it is an interesting one. But trying to find a therapist who works specifically with neurodivergent people I mean they exist, obviously they exist Probably needs to do a bit more research and think he would be a good fit for him. Just in the essence of processing, I think.
Speaker 2:So yeah, he's just trying to do stuff and.
Speaker 1:And I think it just goes to show he's 60,. It's never too late. It's never too late to go. Oh shit, this is what's been going on for me this whole time.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And it's yeah, and I think there's people much older who've gone through diagnosis at a later stage and it's just great that we have that opportunity now to understand ourselves isn't it?
Speaker 2:Absolutely yes, and for all you can feel sort of disappointment, a bit of grief for your younger self. You only know what you know and then when you know better, you do better, and I think that's really important for everybody who is waiting on a diagnosis or who kind of a lot of the ADHD traits might resonate with you and there's nothing to stop you from implementing the strategies, accessing coaching or therapy. I think you can absolutely do all those things without requiring a formal diagnosis, and I think it's important to do, considering the length of time people are having to wait for assessments. Absolutely, and I know a lot of people think about the medication, but the medication's not the be-all and end-all. That's a kind of A bit like a means-to-end that the medication allows you to focus in order to implement the strategies. So you need to do the medication with a combination of therapy or coaching or some kind of organisational structural education.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. You've hit the nail on the head there. It's a case of it being a tool, and I think, exactly Just going back to that example of my packing I think I said it was probably a combination of both I have the medications that almost kind of lift my functioning to a point where then I can implement strategies, but you still have to do that. It's not.
Speaker 2:You still have to make the effort to do it, Because I've obviously been on the medication all summer and I've not actually I've not spoken to my coach all summer because I just have not had time or maybe not time but I've not had the bandwidth to do it because the kids have been here, so I wouldn't get peace and quiet.
Speaker 2:So, linda, if you're listening, I will be in touch very soon to make an appointment because I have definitely missed her. I mean missed her kind of weekly chats, but also, I feel it, when I've not had a session. I definitely would do that.
Speaker 1:You say that I haven't spoken to Linda because we share a coach, don't we? I haven't spoken to her for a while and I thought I must book when we get back off holiday. And then other things have kind of cropped up so it's taken my attention and I haven't booked. And Peter said do you really think it's kind of helping? Do you think it makes a difference? I went, oh, maybe not. And then I opened my notebook that I use. I was using it for something else and I looked at brackets and notes I've made with her and I thought, oh no, she does help me a lot. She does. It may feel, it may even look to people on the outside that there's not much progress there, but there absolutely is, and sometimes it is. I know we love the word validation, but I think that's the key thing. It's just saying you know what this is, what most of us do who have ADHD, and let's figure it out Exactly.
Speaker 2:You're trying to yourself and it does give you that kind of those prompts to say, but what do you think was happening for you in that situation, like, what were you trying to avoid? Why repraternating, et cetera. I think it is definitely a very useful tool to have, and also that almost like a sense of accountability, that you might set a task with her that week and then come back the next week and say, oh, I was able to do X, y and Z or I struggled with, or even it might not even be relevant to a previous session, because I know that sometimes I've gone on a call with her and said, oh my God, this is kind of taking me off guard this week because I'm anticipating this. This is telling me how that relates to my ADHD. You know, it's, just in terms of what you say, a bit of processing as well, isn't it?
Speaker 1:Absolutely it is processing, and I think that there's a barrier to it again, isn't there? And it's usually a financial one. Yeah, and it's a commitment. You think I think about myself, for example and I know lots of other people in the UK will be in a similar boat where I've had to diagnose privately. So, particularly while my medication's being kind of established, I'm paying for my medication. So that's like £120 a month, yeah, then I'm probably not. So I'm like well, well, and then you have coaching. So, as far as I know, I don't know if I would do access it or if it would be the kind of coaching that I think I would respond to through any kind of NHS or anything. I imagine there's not much there, but I'm happy to be proven wrong or to learn more about that. And it's the one of our previous guests, sam mentioned the ADHD tax, didn't she? And it's not just the mistakes you make with. Oh, I forgot to pay that parking, fine. So now I've got a bailiff at the door and it's now it's 700 instead of 30.
Speaker 2:It's not just that. No, actually currently I was having this talk with someone at work the other day because I work in town now. So in Guernsey you don't pay for parking but you can never get a 10-hour space. The spaces are either two hours, three hours or 10 hours, and I can never get a 10-hour space for the day that I'm working the six hours. So usually I have to try and set myself a reminder to go back to the car halfway through my shift. You know to reset the clock or move the car. I know, but I don't know where I was going with that. Have you had a parking ticket? I have had a couple of parking tickets and then I think, well, there was actually. You know, I'm only there for six hours and then I've got a parking ticket which is 30 quid, but that's a quarter of my wage gone for that shift. What was the point?
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, it's an example of that. You're a typical world, not, it's not Exactly.
Speaker 2:Exactly because I forgot or I forgot to set the reminder on my phone and then it's not been until like the last minute that I've remembered and I've thought I probably get a bloody ticket now anyway, et cetera, which is it's like so difficult isn't it?
Speaker 1:Your alternative is that you've got, you've parked. There's no like parking. Ride in Guernsey, is there?
Speaker 2:Nothing.
Speaker 1:Unless you get on the little train. Unless you get what.
Speaker 2:Unless you get on the little train, the little train, the Petitran, petitran and the other thing I was going to say actually I bought a magazine yesterday in Waitrose. I know it's been a long time since I bought a magazine because I normally just access all those types of read-on line. In fact, let me grab it, because it's a magazine called Happyful and I actually only picked it up because this is it here, happyful.
Speaker 1:OK, I've never seen that before.
Speaker 2:I picked it up because down in the right-hand corner it says money matters how to take care of your financial health when you have ADHD.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:That sounds as if I'll be interested in that. So when I had a glance at the who does it now? At the article, it said on average, your ADHD costs you about 1,600 pounds a year extra than your neurotypical counterpart. So here it goes. Adhd costs the average person approximately 1,600 pounds per year because of your impulsivity in terms of shopping online. Putting stuff in your basket gives you a dopamine hit. It's suggested on here that put things in your basket and then leave it in there for a few days so that you're you know you can revisit it to make sure it's not. I started doing that. The impulsive and actually that's the joy to me is the browsing of putting it in my basket and then I forget about it and then I go back and go oh God, what was I going to buy that for?
Speaker 1:So I've started, I've become less impulsive and I do that. I'll be working and I can spend. I hyper-focus and I can spend ages looking at something. I'm like, oh, what pajamas will I get? And I'll go on this website, that website, and I put things in the baskets, but I don't buy them all the time.
Speaker 2:Well, I rarely actually will buy them and I've noticed that that seems to satisfy my yeah, absolutely, and I think that's really interesting, isn't it that actually, maybe you don't, if you're just a bit more conscious about the whole basket thing right now, my hyper-focus and I don't know why has been my bedside tables that I've got. So they're just a three cube white unit, and I look at them and I think they really bore me. They're really boring me. I just want to use them up a little bit. So I was either thinking about upcycling them, and so I've been looking at different ideas. You know these furniture flippers on TikTok and putting like a wooden top on it and sanding it down, and then maybe some of those like fancy legs that you get. You know the metal legs? No, no, the Legs aren't they. But why, I mean, why am I obsessing about those?
Speaker 2:There are other things in my life that I can be concentrating on instead of, you know, watching endless videos of somebody upcycling a three cube unit from B&Q or looking at buying new ones. Because that's the other thing I've been doing on every possible home furniture website to see if I can buy a new set. But I can't afford it. Yeah, I don't have the same salary as before, so actually I'm finding that just adding things to the basket is enough to satisfy that kind of urge at the minute. Yeah, it's an urge, isn't it? Yeah, and things like I've started sending images to my husband, john, because I do need to communicate more with him about these little secret projects that I've got to go in her mind. I think maybe if I verbalise them or communicate them, then it takes away the power, almost the power that it holds over you. That OK, by just sharing it, and then I can hear him tell me whether it's a good idea or a bad idea, or whether we can afford it or not.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Just to regulate you a little bit, isn't it? It's helping you to help yourself regulate, and I think that's where Pete and I have sometimes gone wrong. I've gone oh do you think I'm being impulsive saying let's move to fucking. Timbuktu. And he's like no, I think it'd be great. Yeah, it looks lovely. We're both like the same.
Speaker 2:I was worried while you were in holiday, if I'm honest, because I thought she's going to come back here and tell me they're moving to Turkey.
Speaker 1:I would. I was googling it. I'll be honest.
Speaker 2:Were you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I knew it. Yeah, I came back and I was saying I felt depressed we're going to go through winter now and I used to love winter and I said, oh, that's sun and just being in the sea. And I mean, I wasn't, I wasn't googling international schools in Fetiae, I promise I wasn't, but but again, it satisfies my urge just doing a bit of research and going, oh, and if I go on to my I don't know if I've said this to you before. I was talking to somebody, not longer about this. I mean I'm a bit better, trying to tidy up my Facebook groups now, but I've got Facebook groups from so many places in the world for people who want to move there French, france, ex-parts, then British people in Melbourne and Minnesota in America, geneva I'm somehow I'm on one of their buying sell sites. Geneva it's something like, oh, that looks great, oh, it's in Geneva, because my mind gets so hooked onto these ideas.
Speaker 2:And do you think that's where the dopamine comes in?
Speaker 1:It's the idea and then that expectation coming yeah yeah, and you think it's so strong you can convince anyone of it.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:Can you? Yeah, and I have. I have, I think, have accepted. You know that we're not going to, we're not going to be moving around now. The kids are in school and all of those things, but when I hear about these kind of digital nomads and oh yeah, what's the main?
Speaker 2:thing that you can do.
Speaker 1:People living in those massive like RVs. I think, oh, I love that. But then I have to remind myself that actually the kids would be there with me, and that's most probably. And how far is it to them? Because I think there's. I think I have underestimated the, the amount of processing that they're doing as they grow, as they mature, and actually how long would it be until you wanted to have a fixed a board then?
Speaker 2:You know, I mean like when would you get bored of that?
Speaker 1:Is that grass is always green, or phenomenon, isn't it? And and my kids I know for certain of one of them, but I'm sure that pretty much all going to be neuro spicy, which is term I have the day I like that, and that's a new space.
Speaker 2:Neurospecary makes me think about Iris. Yes, you're the spicy one, isn't she?
Speaker 1:She really, I mean, I think she's great, I think she's fascinating and I definitely think she said to me when we were on holiday so Iris is my six year old and she has. She has a brain and imagination and we're almost certain that she has ADHD.
Speaker 2:We just haven't gone through the four and some kind of, but it's your pulse.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah. Well, she said to me on holiday just so randomly I'll never feel lonely because I've got so much going on in my head.
Speaker 2:She's just so.
Speaker 1:I know, and she, she is and it's. She is a bit, you know, I do think she's a bit. We all think I could special, but you're right, I think there is a spiritual side of her. If you believe in that, that is Well beyond her years.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she's been here before.
Speaker 1:She definitely has. I told you about that time when we were in Australia and that man stopped us and told us that she'd been here before.
Speaker 2:And I think you're like oh, I know, I know.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, she reminds us a lot. I think I'm start, I'm going to the process now of learning how to raise my kids in a way that is helpful for the way that their brains work as well. It's a mind field and I'm almost certain the chaos that I've kind of Showered upon them, unintentionally, probably hasn't helped with feelings of I mean, their lessons, aren't they? And they're the things you know, my 10 year old, she's almost 11. I can have a conversation with her now and kind of I'll take you like that to her and she gets it. I think she does to a certain extent. That's everything we're looking for. It's now trying to process how to, like I said, how to raise them in a way that's helpful and so they're not going to follow the same pattern that me and Peter have followed, where your self-esteem is sharp.
Speaker 1:And what's that statistic about children with ADHD? How much more likely to be criticised? Do you remember that statistic? Oh, I don't remember. There's a statistic. I think it's quite a high percentage in comparison to neurotypical kids of the amount of criticism that we receive as children. I think that makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? Because we're doing things. If I was to look at my 10-year-old, particularly before I had any awareness of either of us, I would be like why haven't you done that already? You knew you had to do that. Why are you starting that project now? What's leave for school then? And it's a tone, it's and they know it, they're picking up on it because we've picked up on it and it kind of stays with you. So I feel like I'm a lot, I mean, I don't want to lose my shit, but I'm a lot more patient, I think.
Speaker 2:Yeah, compassionate towards yourself, but also towards the children.
Speaker 1:There's a line there isn't there. There's a line between being patient and compassionate with your kids and not letting them be rude and destructive, Absolutely.
Speaker 2:And I think it is very difficult to strike that balance. So I don't know how many times, particularly recently, that I have really struggled to identify what is just normal, normal child behavior that you know. If they're being outwardly naughty, that needs some level of reprimand or discipline. Versus what can't they help. And I don't know, is there a line? Should there be a line? Is there certain behaviors that you know? Certainly it's all about parents, and isn't it that you need to pick your battles with your children, but we're the line. So at the minute, we're experiencing Jodie being particularly challenging. Sometimes she shouts at us and I don't know what might have led up to that. You know, what has she been over lately? What's going on in her head that she's maybe not able to verbalize as well as the boys or whatever? What's kind of escalated and led up to that? Or has she just been absolutely horrible?
Speaker 1:Yes, and she probably isn't being absolutely horrible, although when you're in that situation, it feels that way because you're just interacting with another human, albeit a human you love, and you know who's your daughter. I'm the same, but sometimes I hear things come up that I'm like no, no, you cannot and I don't have all the answers. I'm sure nobody really has all the answers, but there's something that I kind of I try and stick to and I always have before even knew about. You know that I had ADHD, that my kids were is that? And I try. I mean, sometimes I've done it when I've been really kind of frustrated in class but I just try and stay away from shaming. That's the key thing for me.
Speaker 2:Give me an example of what? Because I probably do that unconsciously, shaming them, what? Give me an example of what you would consider as a shame?
Speaker 1:So I suppose it could be different with each child because they'll perceive different things as shameful weren't they? And cultural and all of those things. But if it's me, it's going into my 10 year old's bedroom and it doesn't happen so much at the moment, but you know, finding what's he looking at this, or finding a cup into her bed with an old ice cream in it, and you know, and thinking how, what you know, and being frustrated. So I'm frustrated. In that situation I'm thinking I've got so much to do and then I've got to do this and what. But she's embarrassed about that. She feels a shit. It's that whole. You know, when you, when you, that my kids don't have packed lunch. But you know we, I used to have packed lunch and I wouldn't eat it, and then it would. It could stay in my bag for ages and then a whole new, you know life force living on it.
Speaker 1:And the. I mean you wouldn't want to say this all night.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you don't want people to see that because it's like it's gross. You know, it's that kind of disgust that people would have in you and I think it could be the same if I was to find. So the example that I'm giving of finding an ice cream in a cup and to have beds. It's been that for I don't know how long. So there would be a few things. You know, I say don't eat in your room, which thing? And then leaving it there and, and it's so easy to just be like fucking hell. I mean, I probably wouldn't say those words to her, but you know what the fuck like all this and it and that for her would feel very shaming. Yeah, and me doing it would be. That would be me shaming her.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay, so that I try and avoid it, but it's so hard sometimes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because it's a reaction, isn't it?
Speaker 1:Like you're just reacting to yeah, because you're just taking a minute as well with your own, your own thoughts, beliefs and emotions.
Speaker 2:And it's easier said than done, isn't it Like? You can say you don't want to shame them, but sometimes you just can't control what's coming out of your mouth.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, or you'll go oh my God, you've got and every child's different, aren't they? And if you've got a child who who, like mine, really do experience rejection, sensitive dysphoria, the shame he feels going to be more acute as well. I mean, you could probably say to one kid bloody hell, you've got toothpaste on your tiger, almost shut off, and it would be no problem, yeah, water for the duck's back, water for the duck's back. But I know that I could say that to my daughter and she would be mortified. Potentially, potentially, potentially. So it's very, not always. Sometimes, not always, yeah, so I think that's. That's an example of where I just try not to. And it is hard because you get frustrated and you get they, they push your buttons right, they, they know, they know as well. So it's that they're being cared. But also they've got these other kind of sensitive minds. And how do we, how do we not fuck them up? That's Well, oh, my book called that. There is that point.
Speaker 2:How do you not fuck them up? You know you want to, you want to validate how they feel, you want them to be able to trust you, and they still need to function in a society that's not set up for them necessarily. Yeah, and so it's hard to not inflict all the kind of rules and regulations or the disciplines that you, you might have experienced when you were younger, because that's all you know, that's the only example that you've ever had is that kind of neurotypical discipline. Yes, yeah, and it's hard to change.
Speaker 2:And the cultural works as well.
Speaker 1:And they're going to be so unique to each culture. But you know, in our culture when I say our culture, I'm talking British particularly, or maybe it's just my family it is like the rudest thing to put your elbows on the table. Just don't put your elbows on the table. And I'm a grown-up, I'm thinking why? What's the problem with that? What is this? What are you doing with that? I don't know.
Speaker 2:Have you told that as a kid? Yeah, yeah, absolutely yeah, but it was rude and I was always particularly conscious about it, especially when I was at someone else's house for dinner. Yes, I was really going to insult them or they were going to say something. I was very, very, very conscious about it.
Speaker 1:Yes, sitting here. So now my kids. So now my kids. I mean I'm like people getting to sit at the table for fuck's sake. No, they're just furrow really.
Speaker 2:And I mean that's the other thing. Why do we need to sit at the table? So we have this constant battle with Jo Day at the moment, my daughter, that she doesn't want to sit with us at the dinner table. She doesn't want to sit with her brothers because they annoy her, and sometimes what they're eating or the way that they're eating or whatever they're playing with at the dinner table will make her feel sick. Yes, she struggles, I suppose, to concentrate, I think, and she'll always just say but why do I need to sit with them? And actually why does she need to sit with them?
Speaker 2:Obviously, as parents, we are saying because they're your brothers and you have to come and sit at the table. But actually why does she have to come and sit at the table? She actually doesn't and it makes for a more peaceful dinner time if I just let her sit at the couch by the coffee table and then we sit as a family, or for we still try and include her in the conversation if she's not glued to the television or whatever. But what is the big deal about letting her sit on the couch and actually letting everybody's happier?
Speaker 1:Yes, and we're always on this quest, don't we this unspoken, or we don't even realise we're doing it?
Speaker 2:this quest, it's just what normalising it, isn't it Just because neurotypical people all sit down together at the family dinner table and that's your family time, etc. But actually you just need to. It's almost like just making it up as you go along and doing whatever works for you at that time.
Speaker 1:Yes. But my worry becomes then as they get older and they're going to I don't know out for dinner or at a friend's house for dinner, and then not that many what you've done. Again, I would be particularly bothered what people thought. But they might and it's like where do you? I suppose maybe the balance is saying just kind of be polite, always be polite and don't stand on the table. Maybe and we're the same when I cook for all of us, and that's another thing, and I'm sure you have the same my daughter Iris, particularly she's very, very sensitive, she's got a lot of sensory sensitivities, if that's your term, and so the food sheets are quite limited. I mean, they're not particularly bad, but they're limited and none of us want to eat it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, none of us want to eat it. And sometimes I'll be like no, I'm going to make her eat it, she's going to sit there, she'll eat it if she's hungry. And I start that whole rhetoric and you know, and I say it to Peter and he's like yes, yes, you're the boss, you're the CEO, you're the CEO. What do you say? It goes so inevitably, this family dinner turns into a battle and it's unpleasant for everybody involved. And the other night I went downstairs and I thought they all want snacks for bed.
Speaker 2:Don't worry about your kids, but oh yeah, I mean as soon as they've had enough of their dinner because they're full up or they feel sick, they already have an ice cream.
Speaker 1:Yeah yeah, yeah. So I thought I'm just going to pre-empt this and so I went downstairs and I got a load of fruit in, so I chopped up some more smelly and grapes and loads of oranges and loads of oranges, and I just bought two big plates up of them and then put them and I know this isn't for everybody, but again, why it's not a problem for us I put it on a train, my bedroom, the kids all congregated around it. We were all spending time together, we were eating the fruit we were, and it wasn't a table, it wasn't a scene from Downton Abbey, but it was us being who we are and enjoying food, that actually we all enjoy that food and that maybe that's the time for us to come together. Yeah, and it's those rules that are bestowed upon us. Bestowed, it sounds like it's an honour and that's the wrong word, isn't it? They're kind of forced.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's that element of complying with societal expectations, isn't it the ones that have been drilled into you as a child? Don't have your elbows on the table or don't speak with your mouth full, yes or no. So three bags full. So it's about compliance, isn't it?
Speaker 1:And I think, our kids generation. They're changing things and probably what we think would be an issue for them, like putting your elbow on the table, everyone's going to think you're just, you know, whatever. It probably isn't going to be a big issue, is it? It's the world's changing, thankfully for the better. It's a positive in lots of ways, and so maybe then more those rules are more to do with how we've been conditioned rather than needing to condition them that way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely all about how we've been centralized.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. And who's to say that that's not okay?
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:And she's eating her dinner and she's not getting stressed. Yeah, exactly, and you're all not getting stressed, what I don't know? Where's the science behind that being a bad thing for Joji Exactly? I don't know if I can say that her sitting there while the tally's on, she's eating her dinner, her nervous system is calm, but she should be sitting at the table with her brothers and her parents and getting stressed and being feeling sick. So it's a no brainer, isn't it?
Speaker 2:of course, she's going to let her do that. Yeah, absolutely I'll start that.
Speaker 1:I think it's a good question so far, doesn't it? It does. It's so nice catching up, Laura Lovely, We've got a guest on next week. If that she is a therapist counsellor, really interested to hear from her.
Speaker 2:I think we've got a guest on Friday as well. Who just by through life happening. We've had to reschedule a couple of times, but I'm interested to speak to Charlotte. She is a coach, I believe, so I'm really interested. I follow her on LinkedIn and she's always posting really kind of useful, insightful stuff, so that'll be good. And the other thing I thought it would be really good to try and get a mail perspective. I was going to email. Do you follow Alex Partridge? The Samuel of Ladd, bible.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:I was at the ADHD chatter podcast and I wondered if maybe it would be a good idea to message him and ask if he could come and give us his perspective on what his ADHD journey has been like and how he utilises his ADHD like really harmless. I think it would be interesting because he's quite vocal on social media about his ADHD, so I think it would be good to give that some airtime and hear a mail perspective.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely absolutely.
Speaker 2:What are the plans for the rest of the day then?
Speaker 1:Rins the hairdressers.
Speaker 2:Oh nice, I'll love going to the hairdressers.
Speaker 1:I do as well. Actually, I don't particularly like touching my hair, but I love it.
Speaker 2:It's my favourite thing in the whole wide world. I hate it really. I used to lie on my mum's lap when I was younger and she would play with my hair or tickle my neck. That's what I loved, I think as well. When Max was a baby and I used to be breastfeeding him and my hair was long, he used to just wrap his hands up in my hair. He still does. Now he makes me stand at the side of his bed. Can I play with your hair till I fall asleep? Yes, you certainly can. You're like Rapunzel.
Speaker 1:Your hair is looking good actually, and you're at your worst day I am.
Speaker 2:Yes, I started at 12 o'clock until 6 o'clock, so today is my long day. I still can't do it without a straight face. I'm really enjoying it, though there's so much to learn. It's really interesting Starting to get to grips with all that kind of new knowledge and hopefully be able to work on my own very soon.
Speaker 1:Have you had any feedback from?
Speaker 2:The job interview. Not yet, so hopefully today, hopefully today no news.
Speaker 2:Just for anybody that's listening. You might have seen my social media, you might not, but I had an interview quite recently, for it's an ad hoc role, an on-call service, and I basically cried my way through the interview, I mean, which was received very well by the interviewers. It caught me completely off guard, and I think it was probably just talking about previous kind of midwifery, maternity related trauma work that I've experienced as a healthcare professional. It's interesting, though, because I never anticipated, nor did I realise that I had been so traumatised by it until I went to use that particular episode of care as an example of relating to a question that they asked me in the interview. I don't normally cry in interviews. I'm normally very professional, but I was a blubbering mess.
Speaker 1:But again Laura, who used to say you can't cry in an interview.
Speaker 2:Well, exactly, and that's what the answer to your question was. She said to me I was very apologetic, I was mortified. And she said to me but why are you apologising? Don't feel the need to apologise. You don't need to excuse the fact that you're crying, because it takes guts to show your vulnerability in that way, which I thought was lovely. But we'll see whether they offer me a job or not. The proof is in the video.
Speaker 1:Well, it sounds quite positive. Yeah, keep us posted. Have a good day as well.
Speaker 2:You too Lovely to catch up, don't get caught on your ticket today. No, I'll try not to Good, ok, I will speak to you on Friday. Bye, bye, bye, bye.