Special *1st Anniversary* Essentials Compilation from Episodes 12-22 - Part 2 (Ep. 24)

Yep, the celebration continues! We are celebrating our Podcast’s 1st Year Anniversary! Love bringing topics and conversations that I believe would enrich your experience, expand your consciousness, and of course help you make the changes you are seeking in your relationship and your life. We got you!  

We believe in embracing a relationship enrichment lifestyle and support you in creating the relationship and life you love. Through love and connection, we can create anything we desire…  

Our celebration includes special episodes this month of selected segments from each episode we’ve created thus far of key takeaways for immediate implementation and results… 

In this episode we cover the second half of the episodes, with topics such as: Embracing interconnectedness, empowering ourselves in relationship, integrating meaningful rituals and traditions, enhancing our sex life, developing parenting of neurodivergent children, implementing health, wellness, and success mindset and habits, considering divorce through mediation.    

When you come across a guest you like or a topic that you’d like to hear more on, you can access their full original video episode linked in the list below.  

Hope you enjoy this Essentials Compilation!

From Episode 12, Jeffrey Dunne on Awakening to the Interconnectedness of it All   

From Episode 13, Cinthia Hiett on Bring Our Adult Self to Our Relationship/s   

From Episode 14, Evan Imber-Black on Using Rituals for Healing and Enriching Relationships

From Episode 15, Francois Lupien on Mastering Our Mindset to Succeed at Our Relationship

From Episode 16, Deborah Fox on Understanding Our Sexuality for an Enhanced Sex Life

From Episode 17, Polina Shkadron on Parenting Neurodivergent Children and the Importance of Self-Regulation

From Episode 18, Polina Shkadron on Parenting Neurodivergent Children and Managing Interactions Differently

From Episode 19, Marvin Bee on Habits for Health and Happiness

From Episode 20, Angela Mazza on How Psychological and Relational Patterns Affect Health

From Episode 21, Serena Goldstein on Minding our Daily Rhythms for Hormonal Health

From Episode 22, Glenn Dornfeld on Mediation for an Easier and Smooth Divorce


*Visit its Page for the Video and to get Gifts from our guests,
AND get our FREE Relationship Enrichment Mini Cour

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DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of the host’s.

Chapters

• 5:35 Awakening to Our Consciousness and Interconnectedness
• 11:41 Managing and Owning Ourselves Creates Smoother Interactions
• 15:53 Why Rituals Are Important and How they Enrich Our Relationships
• 22:16 How We Choose to Look at Things Creates Our Reality
• 29:15 There are Two Types of Lovers in the Relationship
• 35:13 What’s So Special About Play and Why It’s Important
• 42:36 A Controversial Approach to Managing Kids Acting Out
• 47:59 Everything in Your Life Has an Impact on Your Wellbeing
• 50:20 Even Your Personality Has an Impact on Your Health
• 54:38 Your Daily Rhythms and Habits Impact Your Hormones
• 57:53 Creative Ways of Breaking Impasses When Divorcing

Transcript

Emma: 0:34

Hello, lovelies, welcome to the first year anniversary celebration that we're doing for our podcast. I am super excited. We are doing special episodes as a celebration. Two weeks ago we did the first Essentials compilation and this is the second Essentials compilation. These are the two special episodes for the month to celebrate our anniversary. So last year September 2023, we launched our new podcast and now we're celebrating its first year and I am so excited to have compiled special segments from each episode from last year. So we compiled a few into the first special episode and now we're compiling the second half of the episodes into this other special essentials compilation episode.

Emma: 1:30

So if that was confusing, don't worry about it. We're just just know that we are doing segments, snippets from prior episodes to compile this essentials experience so that you could get a quick taste of all the episodes that we've covered all of last year. So the two essentials episodes of this month will cover all of the episodes that we've done so far. You'll get a little snippets in each and you'll get a flavors to the topics that we cover, which generally have to do all with relationship, with wellness, self-care and all things to make us better partners, have a better relationship experience and be able to show up in the world with our best self, be the best partner and create the best relationship so we could have the best life in a nutshell. So that's the idea of the podcast. We want to have amazing conversations with guests, colleagues, friends, to bring you special topics so that we could support you in your journey, and that's what we've been doing all of last year, and these two essential special episodes are a highlight of what we've done so far, so I hope that you enjoy them. This particular compilation today covers some parenting stuff, covers some health and wellness, covers some sexy stuff sexuality, sexual health, sex in relationship with your partner and just how to have a sexy relationship, sex life and we have some other good stuff in there interconnectedness and wellness and just all kinds of beautiful things just to support you all around in your journey. So feel free to check it out.

Emma: 3:14

The easiest way to listen is to look at the description or all the chapters and you will see the segment, or you have timestamps for the segment, so feel free to check that out and see what talks to you. You could jump around and listen to the things that resonate for you or that pertain to you and your journey. That will serve you best. And additionally, we'll have those linked to their original episode so you could get more of that flavor, if that's what you need. And if you want even more, feel free to subscribe to the gifts that we have on the podcast page metrorelationshipcom forward slash podcast.

Emma: 3:52

There we have a compilation of all the episodes, all of the guests with the links to their episodes and all of the gifts that they had that offered to our audience, so you could get everything in your inbox. You don't have to go jumping around and looking for things. So feel free to just one-pitch stop MetroRelationshipcom forward slash podcast and there you could enroll, subscribe whatever, opt in to get that compilation so you have everything in one spot. When you do that, you'll get all of the guests gifts plus a gift from me the Minimal Enrichment Relationship course and really are here to hook you up. So we want to support you in all the ways that we can and compile this nice little experience for you in acceleration of our podcast. And if you haven't checked it out yet, that podcast page, it's a rebrand, subtle rebrand I'm calling it refresh of the layout of how we're displaying and showcasing and sharing our episodes so they're easier to find and easier to use and easier to keep referring to. So feel free to check it out and look around if that interests you. Feel free to check it out and look around if that interests you. Okay, my loves without further ado. I hope that you really enjoyed this episode. I put in all my love into this project to celebrate and share the celebration with you and have your back as we do it. As always, I always keep you in mind when we create anything, and feel free to let us know what kind of things tickle you, what kind of topics you want to hear, what kind of things you prefer to watch and listen to. Feel free to leave us a comment in all of the places, depending on where you're watching this, and I look forward to seeing you at the next one. Enjoy.

Emma: 5:32

So, jeff, tell me a little bit more, tell me the audience, this whole thing with consciousness and interconnectedness. Can you explain, then, if we're not molecules, right, and if we're not our nervous system, and that's not where consciousness lives, then can you explain a little bit more? What is it? Where does it live and how are we interconnected really, aside from, like me, my body's not just my body, actually, emma and I. It's not just this, it's also all the microorganisms that we have in this body suit. That freaked me out when you said that that's the first time I heard it that way. That was so good, but yeah, so a little bit more about that. And then the implication of that for partners, right. So I love that you used the we already in there and the us. That's perfect, so can use the we already in there and the us, that's perfect.

Jeffrey Dunne: 6:24

so can you tell a little bit more and then I will see how that there are listeners could use that to impact their relationship. Yeah, absolutely so. You know, as, as I mentioned before and as you just pointed out, the the idea of us as, uh, individuals right, we're kind of taught that it starts with understanding well, you're, you're a physical thing and you're there. I'm going to have a cat guest here who has to be encouraged to, ok, but unfortunately, in starting from that point, it lends itself to a lot of very awkward questions, and what I mean by awkward is that the questions that have sort of presumed something that isn't true and has such become very unanswerable. So you will hear, for example, people refer to the hard question of consciousness, like how does the brain generate consciousness? Well, you've started with the assumption that the brain generates consciousness.

Emma: 7:17

And if it?

Jeffrey Dunne: 7:18

turns out that the brain doesn't generate consciousness, you're kind of already at a dead end. And the evidence sorry materialists, the evidence is overwhelming that it doesn't. That's not how it works. The brain isn't generating consciousness. There are lots of documented stories of people who are, who have no brain activity. Lots of documented stories of people who have no brain activity and yet when they are revived from that state can relate exactly what was happening during that time. They're still receiving information.

Jeffrey Dunne: 8:03

Right, idea that the brain is a generator of awareness and instead, for example, think of that the brain might be an antenna into a much broader thing, something that, rather than generates consciousness, something that helps focus into particular pieces of it. Right, so the brain may be as a way of relating, a consciousness that is not bound in time and space and allows you to filter down to those perceptions, experiences. What have you that relate to what we think of as ourselves, as our lives, as our experiences, our journey? Right, this now becomes a much more understandable process. You can explain a lot of things this way. How is it that some children come to their parents one day at the age of four and give them memories of what it was like to be a fighter pilot in World War Two. They couldn't possibly remember that from a physical perspective. But if they are tapping into a greater awareness of something right, because they're not filtering down to exactly the experiences that are here and now as we described them, then it works perfectly well. And now, when you think about that and you look at this in the context of a relationship, right, what is it that's happening there? Well, of saying, well, I'm, I'm here, like that, right, I I occupy this space and you occupy that space. And now we are different. Rather, you've got a consciousness that's not inherently bounded that way.

Jeffrey Dunne: 9:33

But these two people who are having this experience with each other, you realize we're actually more or less the same thing. We're two different facets on the same gem, right, we have an inherent relationship. And it is funny in this context how humanity fights with itself so much when we are 99.99% the same, right, we get so hung up on the 0.01% differences that make me from this country and you from that country, and yet we're almost the same. We've got little uniquenesses about us and that's fantastic. And of course, that's a different topic of why we don't celebrate those uniquenesses when that's really what we should be enjoying. That's right. Like if everybody was identical, what would be the point? I want somebody who's a little different, gives me a different perspective, and all that, but we are more or less part of the same overall system.

Jeffrey Dunne: 10:28

So when you think about two people who are in a relationship, instead of looking at this and saying, well, I'm me and you're you, and I have to figure out how to appease you or work around you or anything else, it changes the, I think, the mindset that you have to say, all right, we're mostly the same, we're working at this as a partnership, right, and we're two faces of the same partnership.

Jeffrey Dunne: 10:57

We solve problems differently, we think about things differently, but that could be a really good thing, right? Because now it means that if I'm struggling with how to understand something, I've got this other person who looks at things a little bit differently. Maybe they can offer an insight that I wasn't able to see. And that's usually, I think, where you see people describing themselves as having a healthy relationship. They're not the same as me, but I respect them, right, and the core of that respect comes from the fact that you realize we're really connected, whether we recognize it actively or not, but if we recognize it more often, then we're better able to make that connection and have that connection be a healthy thing rather than something that's self-damaging.

Cinthia Hiett: 11:46

The more I know me, the more I accept me, the more in charge of me I am, the more I manage me, the easier it is to be around me. These people aren't trying to do this all the time. Containing this is what we do. I say to clients containing, okay, this is what we do. I say to clients all the time this is what we do with toddlers and teens. We contain them. Why are you not containing yourself? You know, and we have to like self containment. It doesn't mean that it's always fun. I'm not always happy to do it. Sometimes and this is a really cool thing I learned If I breathe in, I can't talk.

Emma: 12:22

I love that. That's like in kindergarten, I think, or very early, as I teach the little kids put a bubble, hold a bubble.

Cinthia Hiett: 12:31

And I'll just go like this, because who am I to tell them they're wrong, right?

Emma: 12:37

So interesting. I love how you said that. I think that even us, that we are in charged with helping create and facilitate change, who are we to tell somebody else what to do? We don't even do it right. So we might say to people have you looked at this? Have you looked at that? What about this? What about that? Try this, try that what suits you best People. What about this? What about that? Right, try this, try that, like what suits you best. People are still the owner of themselves, right, they're still the master of themselves. They'll have a self agency and they will know if what we offer resonates for them, if it works for who they are and who they're trying to become, who they are evolving into being, who they already have like I lost in translation along the way, right, but they're becoming more who they are we facilitate that?

Cinthia Hiett: 13:22

yes, absolutely, because some of it is recognizing that if we go back to red-blooded mammals, okay, then that's how we learn. So if I am showing you a different way to interact with your husband, with your children, it doesn't mean that I'm 100% right. It means that you want to be open-minded enough to say, hey, I wonder if I wonder if I did it a little differently or if I borrowed some of that to see if it fits, you know. So it's more about that, so that we can get, you know, not so much emotional judgment. You know now, I'm a big person on having judgment, because we, our world, does not practice judgment very well right now. So I want us to be adults with good judgment. Right, discernment, discernment, yes.

Angela Mazza: 14:12

Yes, I hear you.

Cinthia Hiett: 14:13

But I don't want to be judging someone because I don't understand them or I don't like them, or I think they're stupid or whatever it is Right, or I don't agree, yes, yes. And so I think that it's wonderful, like to hear you talk this way, because I think the people that really love humans like you and I do, you know, I tell people all the time I said I just love humans, I just love them. You know, I want to know about them, I want to help them, I want to see them, you know, and so you know, that kind of a platform causes them to be able to settle down, you know, and hear some things that might not be, I don't know, might not be super fun to hear, but it no longer becomes ouchy, you know.

Emma: 14:59

Yes, yes, right. So I love that. Yes, we do love humans. I'm so with you, and part of why I'm here is to hopefully help people do their human condition better, have a better human experience. Right, and that's what I'm working on for myself and that's what I want to offer others, and they could receive as much of us as little as they'd like. It's still their journey. And I love what you just said, that if we're able to kind of settle down a little bit just because you know that I'm not coming from a place of forcing it, right, right, let's just all be curious can we do this better, right, so we have a better experience? Fabulous, right, and then we just kind of chill out, and then that chilling out, we might become more open and more receptive, and then we might be able to take some of the suggestions in and tell them to fit ourselves if we have to perfect.

Emma: 15:52

Yes, I love that because I always tell clients you don't have to do anything, I tell you thank you so much for that breakdown of the types of rituals and if you could share a little bit about why they're important. Why is it significant? Because in the example that you gave, the guy could say why do we have to do all these celebrations? What's the point? Such a waste of money, time, who cares? I'm not outgoing, I'm an introvert right All the things, and so why is it significant or important to have rituals?

Evan Imber-Black: 16:24

Yeah, well, it's a great question. They really are the connective tissue in our family and community systems and you know, if you just try to imagine your life with no rituals, it's hard to imagine. I mean, you're going to have daily rituals, like it or not. You're going to eat a meal together, you're going to, you know, put a child to bed and read a story, and things like that. The bigger rituals, traditions, celebrations, life cycle rituals often there has to be a good bit of negotiating in a couple, because one comes from one kind of background, the other comes from another kind of background. Lots of arguments certainly occur around different ritual seasons. Do we celebrate, don't we? How?

Emma: 17:27

do we make it our own?

Evan Imber-Black: 17:28

Which family do we go to, if it's Christmas or Easter or Passover Passover thankfully there's two nights of seders so you can go to both. It's convenient. Yeah, so you know and that's something that I will certainly hear in a therapy session how people have struggled to work that out. What happens at key developmental points, like children leaving home and setting up their own household? How does the ritual, you know, let's say, of Easter that's what's coming need to change? Does it need to change, or is the expectation that adult children will always come back to their family of origin? Well, that's fine until they have a partner, and then there needs to be some negotiating as to are we going to do one one year and one the other? Are we going to take two days? And, you know, visit here and today? I'm sure you and your listeners know so many people have moved far away from their families of origin, right? So, though you know, certainly we always see on television for Christmas, for Easter and so forth, big airport days, right and so forth. Big airport days, right.

Emma: 19:06

Big travel days, big driving days where people want to go and be with their families, right, yeah, for sure. So one of the things that I know that rituals do and why I encourage clients to partake and to get better at them and better and better and make it more and more meaningful and special, is because and you could correct me if you have additional thoughts on this or reinforce what I'm saying they have a way of transmitting family legacies as well, yes, and imparting the meaning of who we are, yes, and create that cohesiveness in the family. So any thoughts about that?

Evan Imber-Black: 19:43

I think you're right, of course you always want to find out, let's say in a couple, what was a given ritual like in the family they came from, came from, because sometimes one partner had a terrific experience with, let's just say, christmas and the other had a terrible experience year after year after year. Um, yeah, I think, um in in um, in Rituals for Our Times, I've talked about a family where, when Christmas would come, the father would take to his bed and just would not come out, and you know, it was very hard on the mom and the kids and they didn't understand it, on the mom and the kids and they didn't understand it. And finally, finally, he was able to speak about what happened to him as a child. That Christmas was a terrible time. He was in a family that was quite abusive, and on Christmas it was even worse because his father would not just get drunk but roaring drunk and would abuse him, and so he took to hiding on holidays.

Evan Imber-Black: 21:09

And once his wife and his children understood his story, then they were able to figure out with him. Then they were able to figure out with him. How can we make this so that it's very different, that it doesn't bring back bad memories? And they worked on it and they created a new ritual for themselves, and so it's that kind of thing, you know. I think it's important for all of us excuse me to think about what was a given ritual like in the family I come from. How was it celebrated? Was it celebrated? Were people good to each other, or were they not good to each other? And then you can begin to work on how do you want this to be now and into the future.

Emma: 22:05

Right. So that ties it back to what I said earlier, that they could be healing right. What a beautiful experience If we have a chance to now change it, have a different story around it, a different experience.

Evan Imber-Black: 22:16

That's right.

Emma: 22:17

Lovely, right, very right, very, very nice how we co-create I'm using I don't know if that language makes sense for us right, but just see if you, if it built into the next thing that you want to talk about in terms of creating our own reality and being what I'd like to say, a victor versus a victim, like you said, right. So choosing to win and not to lose, focusing on the positive, not the negative, like those kind of choices, and possibly co-creating with our partner. So what would that look like from your end?

Francois Lupien: 22:48

thank you so much, and that's it I like to say. We can be a creator of our reality or a victim of our circumstances, and so let's put a victim of circumstances first. So let's talk about those socks that are there in the corner from the man, and I know I I did that I'm getting better. I'm getting better all the time and now I even put them together so when they're in the laundry, they're together, so they're not separated what?

Emma: 23:16

wow, I just learned something. I love that. I might have to teach that to people.

Francois Lupien: 23:20

And so victim of circumstances. Let's say you're tired, and then you come in the room and you see that Then you're going to say, oh, I can't believe this. And now you're going into that rabbit hole of letting the outside circumstances dictate how you feel. This is very important. Letting outside circumstances dictate how you feel. It's very important. Letting outside circumstances dictate how we feel. When we do that, we empower the outside circumstances and, by the same token, we disempower ourselves. So we said, oh, this is doing this to me, this is doing that to me. Then we become a victim. And so when that happens, there's one simple thing, and it's at first, the first time you hear it's like a slap in the face and it's called taking 100% responsibility.

Emma: 24:09

What, what a concept.

Francois Lupien: 24:11

Taking 100% responsibility. Now check this out. Well, it's not my fault if the socks are on the floor. You know how can I take responsibility for that?

Emma: 24:19

Okay, so change it.

Francois Lupien: 24:21

It says how can I take responsibility for the socks on the floor? So maybe it could be. Maybe I pick up my own clothes. Maybe mine is not on the floor, but it's on the chair. So maybe if I was to hang it up or put it in the hamper basket, it would give an example and the other can follow. Maybe, maybe not. That's okay. You still love them and that's part of the game.

Francois Lupien: 24:42

Nobody's perfect. You're not perfect, I'm not perfect. So who are we to expect perfection from others? That's a lose-lose situation. But taking 100% responsibility. Now let's put it the other way Creating our reality. When you take responsibility, if you see a situation that is not to your liking, what can you do to be better with it? How can you act rather than react to the situation? Because when we react, we're not taking responsibilities, we're blaming others. Oh, the interest rate is this. I'm tired this week. It's easy to put it outside. So if, for example, you say, oh, I'm tired, well, why don't you go to bed earlier tonight? Well, that's too simple, is it? Is it too simple?

Francois Lupien: 25:27

but I can't go to sleep earlier exactly, or this is something that actually recently was told by my coach. He says you need to meditate three times a day. Okay, so now listen to me, the victim. What do you need three times a day? Have you seen my schedule? I'm so busy, there's no way I can do this. And he just said well, I just made a suggestion for you. You can say that you can't do it because of this, this, this and that, or how about you ask the question how can I put meditation three times in my day?

Jeffrey Dunne: 25:59

And then he said something that was nice.

Francois Lupien: 26:00

He says it does not need to be one hour every time, it could be five minutes. And then it turned my life around thinking, yeah, I can do three times five minutes, I can find a spot for this. And then the five minutes, some of them became 20 minutes, some of them became one hour a day that I had less things to do. And so, because of that, I started to incorporate, because I changed the questions. I asked myself I, I was taking responsibility. How can I meditate three times a day?

Francois Lupien: 26:30

Now my mind remember the communication we talked is focused on finding solutions to that question. So I said, oh, I can do it this way or I can do it that way. And then when I miss and I don't do three times in the day, I don't beat myself up, I'll do better tomorrow, that's all. And so as you do these things, you start to take 100% responsibility and, bit by bit, giving yourself patience and love, you will get better. And guess what? As I do meditation three times a day, I'm more calm and less irritable. Well, actually, we, we had six kids. Now they're all gone, so it's much easier. There's less chaos in the house now, but before there was a lot. Imagine six kids around the table. So it's easy to let the outside circumstance control us when we can say, hey, how can I do better with this?

Francois Lupien: 27:22

And I think we talked about this, emma, for example, about this, um, emma, for example, six kids, it's bound that one of them is going to drop his juice or his milk for sure, almost every meal. And I used to lose patience. What are you doing? And then my wife says she asked the following question will this matter a thousand years from now? And I go of course not. She goes. So why do you get irritated with it? Wow, she says, why don't we use that as an example for the kids to become self-reliant If they drop?

Francois Lupien: 27:55

it, it says okay, now that you've dropped it, what can you do to fix this? And the kids? They're not stupid. They're going to say, well, I'm going to get a rag and maybe very good. And then you praise them as they're doing this. And now it's a learning experience and nobody is freaking out anymore and it's all calm. What is that Taking responsibility? You're going to say, well, that's not my fault if you drop the glass.

Francois Lupien: 28:17

You're correct, but it's your responsibility. How are you going to act with it in the relationship? It's the same thing. We take responsibility. Are we seeing this as an attack to us? Or maybe they're tired, maybe you know, they didn't see what we said. Maybe they did not hear what we have just said, so that taking responsibility could be as far as if someone reacts to what we said, we can say something like I'm sorry.

Francois Lupien: 28:42

I don't think this was the intent of what I said. What did you hear? And if I heard this and that, well, that's why you're saying this, because that's not what I meant and I'm sorry, I didn't express myself in the proper way. So when you do this, the other person, you're no longer fighting like this. Now it's an open communication and we can find out more about it. Yes, and we don't have all the truth. It's okay. If someone says blue and you say green, you don't need to fight for it. Once it's blue, you say green, that's it, it's okay. And so this is something of being a creator of your reality you decide.

Emma: 29:18

So what do you think are other things then that contribute to people not being interested in being touched or not be interested in intimacy sex, or have low desire?

Deborah Fox : 29:31

Yes, untouched, or not be interested in intimacy, sex or have low desire, yes, so one of the most common things that will bring couples into any therapist's office is really what we call desire discrepancy, where one partner, you know, wants more, usually, more frequent sex. Now, sometimes it can also be, you know, different, you know sexual behaviors for sure, but just in terms of the frequency it's so, so common. And here's where some education really is important, because I'll go into other factors, but this one is, is just not common enough knowledge, which is sexual styles. There are two big sexual styles. One is spontaneous, the other is called responsive, and spontaneous sexual style is what we know the most about. You know this is the person who is just walking down the street and you know every sixth thought is about something sexual. They just have an internal engine that easily they feel desire. It just pops up, or they have a thought, or they see a person that they're attracted, or you know they, they see a sign. You know just that some of us might not react to. And spontaneous sexual desire is what we, and it's what we see in the media, it's what we see in the movies. This is where people are dropping their clothes and you know, as soon as they walk in the door and the sex is, you know, hot and passionate. Passionate in five seconds, right, that's what we're familiar with, but that is not represented by everybody. So an equally large group is represented by something we call responsive desire, and this is the one that's not in the movies.

Deborah Fox : 31:17

And this responsive desire people are those who don't particularly walk around with that internally charged engine that, just you know, pops up naturally. They are more inclined to where arousal might actually come first, before desire, and what that means is this question of I'm not in the mood is the wrong question. The question is, oh, am I open and willing to engage in physical touch? And when I am touched or I am touching, then some inklings of arousal might show up, and oh, I am very glad to be here doing this. And so desire shows up. But let me back up a moment, because these are the folks where the context is crucial. So context meaning are they fatigued, are they preoccupied with a work deadline or a project, or they have a family member who's maybe struggling or ill, or you know, there's a one of their children is, you know, on their mind because of some problem that needs to be addressed. All these are contextual issues and for a spontaneous person these might be just factors, but for a responsive person, these are central, these are decisive, right, and so we don't know about responsive sexual style and even the people who fall into that category, they've never known about it because it's not talked about, except for books.

Deborah Fox : 32:59

In my experience, even with same gender, couples usually have one representative from each group. Now, emily Nagoski, in her book Come as you Are, who's a sexuality? Emily's a sexuality researcher. She gives some statistics and which I think are interesting, that there are some nuances to this. But I'll give you the bottom line, which is about 75% of men are in the spontaneous sexual style, which would fit with what I think we commonly know, and about 25% of men would be in the responsive category. And then for women it's flipped where, and here's where there's nuances, but there's about 85% who would fall into that responsive category.

Deborah Fox : 33:56

Now the really goofy thing about this is that in dating, in the early stages of infatuation this is when most couples can infatuation, this is when most couples tend not everybody, but tend to be the most interested. And so the spontaneous people uh, that's their, that's their happy place and the responsive people there. They look more spontaneous during that time because we're creatures of novel and new and infatuation. There's all sorts of hormones coursing through our bodies and so in a couple that ends up staying together long term, that naturally fades fades. It's, that's biology, but we very confused by that.

Deborah Fox : 34:43

The spontaneous person. What happened to my you know my partner who wanted to have sex with me all the time, you know? Suddenly you know it's important that there's food in the refrigerator that didn't used to be, or to work, that's not a problem. Now it's important to not be late, to work, to stay home and have sex. So I and the response of people are also confused because nobody knows what quite happened and they don't know what to do at that point, and so that's where just a lot of unnecessary suffering comes into play play is very significant.

Emma: 35:20

It's not just moving pieces around on a board or playing with dollies and having them drink tea. There's so much more stuff going on right. So they are bringing in, they're showing their level of development. They're showing if they're thinking. They're showing. You tell me, like what are you seeing it? Through? Play that parents, so parents know how important play is.

Polina Shkadron: 35:40

Yeah. So I'm looking at levels of sophistication, right, and I'm looking at is it coming down to cause and effect play, because that's also important and it needs to happen. Is it then, just physical play? That's part of development too, that what happens when, what it looks like when a child is out of ideas, and that's something that is really important to pinpoint.

Polina Shkadron: 36:11

So parents often say, well, all of a sudden and I love the all of a sudden I go really, is it really all of a sudden that it's like well, all of a sudden they get silly. I go okay, and then we, they tend to use that term of oh, you're being so silly. They tend to use that term of oh, you're being so silly, right? So then you're attributing silly to their state of being. So now the child is a silly child and I'm looking at it and I'm going so that silliness that you're seeing, that's dysregulation. And when you pinpoint it and you go, do you notice when exactly it happens? It's when the challenge is too big or when the child doesn't know how to continue the play, because they haven't had enough experience to take one idea and make it last, and then ideas then end all of a sudden, and then ideas then end all of a sudden, and sometimes the all of a sudden for younger kids looks like they're building, they're playing with magnets and then all of a sudden they crash the tower. That all of a sudden means I don't know what else to do. Right, I don't know where else to take this. And then other times it looks like I've had kids just run away, where the play becomes so complex and now there's language involved and the. The complexity that I'm talking about is now we're taking on the roles of the characters, and when you become the character, then it's also thinking. Uh, thinking becomes multi-causal. Right, it's how do I set, how do I become a character and also pull back so that I'm the character and myself at the same time? So when I become a character and I wreck things as characters do, and I get this shock reaction, I go that wasn't me, Like that was the dinosaur, I don't know what happened, like, how do we handle that kind of an obstacle? And it usually starts with. That's where you see the meltdowns or the tantrums, however you want to call them, because it's the.

Polina Shkadron: 38:33

Where it comes from, is the unexpected, and often I get either, like, feedback from you know social media, or parents asking, well, shouldn't right, the shouldn't right, the shouldn't like, shouldn't the kids be ready for the world? I go okay. Three like the world is going to tell them no all the time. I go great, you'd also. Five like chronologically Right. And we really have to consider that social emotional development, because a chronological five-year-old can also be social emotionally at other level. So there's this expectation of they're so smart, shouldn't they know? And I'm going right, they have certain capacities. What about the others? Excellent, what about the others? So that's one of that's one of the toughest, I think, for parents when kids have a lot of sophisticated language and they're very verbal and there's, you know, they know that there's high.

Polina Shkadron: 39:50

And my feedback is well, what is it like for you when I completely change your entire day, like, yeah, we don't like routine too, you like routine too. What happens when you're on your way to the office and all of a sudden there is a car accident? Or all of a sudden there is a car accident or all of a sudden there's a traffic jam and the lane is closed. The first thing you do is you're going to get really dysregulated, like what's going on? How come this is happening and the best way, actually, that I like to people watch at airports.

Polina Shkadron: 40:26

People get dysregulated at airports all the time. Oh yeah, where it's like it's not the attendant's fault that the plane is late. Like I understand that you have a connecting flight I might have one also and you going off on this attendant to ask her how come, like this is where I need to go. How come the plane is late? I'm not sure if that's really going to get you an answer. So that is a dysregulated adult who can. Then let's say that dysregulated adult also meets a dysregulated child. That is a volcanic eruption waiting to happen. Like there is no way that a adult who is dysregulated to such a degree can also regulate a child at the same time.

Emma: 41:15

Excellent, yes, absolutely. So let's go back for a second to the play thing and then we'll continue with this regulation conversation. I love that. So in play, some of the things are the sophistication how many ideas do they have? Can they take the idea to the next level? Can they take on characters and can they differentiate that and hold on to different things at the same time?

Emma: 41:37

So there's a lot of different aspects there that most parents are not aware of, that this is what play is and was involved, and that the more that that's done and that the more that it gets developed, that the child is doing better or developing, and that when you see the meltdown, so the little change in the kid throws a tantrum or they start saying no, and we could talk about that too Then these are just examples of they hit a wall to some degree and helping them. Maybe we could talk about that too. How do we get past that, as opposed to calling them silly and now they don't understand what's going on for them, and that they could get past that. Now they're just silly, so weird associations are happening, right?

Emma: 42:23

So we think that we're the best parents, oh you're so silly, we think it's cute, but what are we doing right? Very interesting. We're the best parents. Oh, you're so silly, we think it's cute, but what are we doing right? Very interesting. So the message it sounds really early, even like, in the most innocuous ways, messaging about self feelings, about body, about all the things.

Polina Shkadron: 42:39

So very interesting so when parents talk about like how come that whole respect piece is what you're asking them at an age that's too young, is that you're asking them to think like you, versus first thinking like your five-year-old or six-year-old, or even like thinking like your you know, 10, 11, 12 year old, like get into their mindset to go like what is it doing? What is this doing for them? Like like what, what is this really doing for them? And I had this and it's interesting because I had. I had a conversation.

Polina Shkadron: 43:13

I'm seeing like a soon-to-be 12, 12, 13 year old and he goes you know, sometimes I just kick my younger brother out of out of nowhere and like dad keeps asking me why I'm doing it Now, in terms of language, why is very blaming? Yes, right, why'd you do that? Versus, how did that work for you? You're like inviting curiosity. But he tell me all the things and he goes I need you to fix it. Like just tell me what to do. And I go well, here's, I'm going to ask you a question in return, like when you decide to kick your brother, where does that come from? Because in my mind I was like I know the answer, it's boredom. And I was like where does that come from? Like. And then it's also what does that do for you? Like, what does that do for you? He responds I go, oh, and then you know what that does to your brain. It goes cool, now like we got a back and forth, now like there's a dopamine spike. I now, like, now we're in it, and I go okay, well, it sounds to me like when you're feeling bored and you're not sure what to do, you're looking for other things to do. And I go for knowing you. I said you, I also know that you really enjoy looking at a book. And he goes oh, okay, I guess I could just grab a book, and then he was.

Polina Shkadron: 44:43

Then he goes well, what about when we're out? Like when we're outside and you know, like we've taken, you know, a family trip for the day, when we're out, kind of, he's going like what do you got for me? Like, how about that Right, like now, what? Like we're sitting and we're waiting for I don't know, like there's a wait and there's a lull and like the boredom creeps up. And then I said to him and go, I'm wondering, like always, like there's a wonder of curiosity, and I go I'm wondering when you guys leave for the day, do you bring a backpack with you.

Polina Shkadron: 45:21

And then he goes oh my God, do you think I could put a book in my backpack? And I said, wow, that's so great, you figured it out, amazing. Like we think that it's right, like for us it's so small, and we're thinking, I mean, that's where I was headed. For him it was so big, because he was like, oh, I solved it. Like I could bring a book with me and put it in my backpack and that way, like I know even the fact that he, knowing that it's there, can already be be helpful where it's like this is what I need in order to avoid, just like kicking my brother to incite him into something with me, right.

Polina Shkadron: 46:07

And then there comes those like parents Well, it's attention seeking, right, like what, what is going on with all these like negative attention seeking behaviors? And I go, oh, I think it's connection. So, versus it being like, attention seeking sounds so negative, it's. They're looking for something. They're looking for connection, okay, and that something's going on, that you know the connection is disrupted or the nervous system hasn't gotten enough connection throughout the day and your child doesn't have again, like enough knowledge or self-awareness, or words or language to tell you like, hey, mom, dad, I'm really feeling disconnected from you right now. Do you mind like reconnecting with me so I'm good for the next? You know, like half of the day and I'm sure, like with working with adults, how often do adults go, you know, like I'm being nasty because I'm feeling like there's a disconnect happening. Feeling like there's a disconnect happening, that's so good, so it's that, and it's something that we've got a model too.

Emma: 47:14

Totally so. This is I actually teach couples this for themselves, right? So whenever they're like something that normally wouldn't bother you so much or that's annoying, but you're okay, but then we, when it really puts you over the top, it's not about the thing, it's like you're not feeling connected, so that bandwidth is lower, right. So same concept, and I usually teach parents also, you know how, about some special mommy-daughter time, some special daddy-daughter or son-mommy-daddy, whatever the combinations, right? So special attention and how you build that into the routines and so totally, connections. You know it's so interesting, like it's almost like the magic pill, right, like it pretty much solves all of the problems. Of course there's other things that we need to do, right, but like that's really a lot of the times just boils down to like when you're connected to yourself, your partner, your kid, things are easier, right? The body is an interconnected system, so it's not just a little body just here, and if I do this, everything's perfect. So tell us more about what you're thinking about that.

Marvin Bee: 48:15

Well, some of the things that I've been learning with some of the specialists is I've had people that have come on and talked about specific types of alternative lifestyles I guess it's the best way to describe it you know, looking at functional medicine or looking at something like Ayurveda, which has been around a lot longer than we know about, but what all of these do is they look at the body as a whole and we tend to focus more on just the one thing that we think is wrong.

Marvin Bee: 48:52

Well, I'm fat, so I'll just fix that and everything will be fine.

Marvin Bee: 48:57

Where it might be that other parts of our lives could be affecting that particular area, we talked about emotional eating, where how we interact with other people, how we interact with TV that's part of that holistic approach and how we feed our bodies, how we feed our minds and how we treat our body and minds kind of has to be looked at from a whole perspective.

Marvin Bee: 49:29

There is a show that I listened to that I'm trying to get her on the show where she's talked about this low-tox lifestyle where, yes, there's a lot of things in our food that are making our body unhealthy, but there's a lot of things in our environment where some people have this weird association with smells or touches or sounds. It's hard for me to put it in words, but I've learned from all of these practices that you have to look at the body as a whole, because the symptom that we have might be caused by something completely different than what we think it is. So that's one of the things that I haven't quite grasped it yet, but I'm learning that we have to look at our body in a multidimensional, holistic way.

Emma: 50:25

When we are having some of those symptoms and the body is saying something is not right, what might be some of the things that might be going on in our life, in our lifestyle, how we're doing ourselves, that does create this? Something's going on in our body, manifest in our body and in our health right and eventually a disease.

Angela Mazza: 50:51

Well, I think stress is a major thing for all of us. I think we all have, unfortunately, stress in our lives and that manifests in different ways and it often can come out physically. You see it in physical symptoms and often people with autoimmune disease have stress that has contributed to that, or even any. Any other regular disease, such as a cancer, can come on, starting as stress. And they say that even with stress you may not have been diagnosed with a disease yet, but if you run labs you can see the beginning of those antibodies starting to build and increase.

Angela Mazza: 51:33

So you will see a lot of stress and those lifestyle you know feelings of. You know those workaholics who always have to get things done. You know being a perfectionist A lot of us were raised in that environment or maybe having people around you that are over-controlling. Or, you know, maybe you yourself are over-serving, taking care of everyone else and not prioritizing your own wellbeing. You do for everyone before yourself and I often see that with women especially, tend to be the martyrs who are going to do for everyone before themselves, and it's it's very common I know, with thyroid clients especially, I see that that they're always doing for others and they feel guilty to take that time out for their own wellbeing and their health.

Angela Mazza: 52:21

And I often have to remind them and work with them to say you know if you're not around you can't help anyone. If you're not being able to get off the couch, you can't help anyone. So it's really important to prioritize yourself so that you can give more to others and help others and feel good in that way. But if you don't have that energy to give, you know you're going to really be depleting yourself on a regular basis. So stress, really that cortisol really, you know, depletes and throws off the body all those hormone imbalances. It really does cause a hormone imbalance if you have chronic stress like that. So I think stress is a huge factor. So knowing how to manage stress is very important.

Emma: 53:05

Absolutely. I love how you also mentioned all the other patterns in there, right, overhelping helping other people, prioritizing other people over helping helping other people, prioritizing other people um, just the grind, the, the overdoing, the overfunction and the perfectionism, right. So all of those things create stress in and of themselves, but the patterns themselves have specific ways that might impact our well-being, not not just that one hormone, right, right. So, like, what are the patterns do you see that play out in people's lives or relationships, and what body parts might they affect and in what ways?

Angela Mazza: 53:44

I often see people don't feel worthy, they feel shameful, they kind of don't want to have confrontation and you'll see that in pain they'll have pain, they'll have fatigue, you know they'll have depression, mood changes, you know, and with thyroid especially, it'll cause hair loss and that's a stress symptom as well as a thyroid symptom, which a lot of stress and thyroid tend to overlap, and it's, it's really, you know, it's. It's very difficult because you really have to slowly build your self-worth, your prioritizing your healing and giving yourself compassion. And every client that I work with that's where we start. We start with that self-compassion and you know, kind of asking yourself what's the most healthy and self-compassion thing I can do for myself right now, today? One small thing.

Emma: 54:43

Well, the first thing I would do is look at someone's rhythm. Are they always on the go? Are they eating at regular times? Are they getting enough protein in, which is huge, because most people, especially if it's grab and go, aren't really thinking about the protein content, which I always recommend, like 40 to 50 grams a day. You know, special for men and women, you know, maybe for men a little bit more, more if you're working out, and what protein helps do is it helps build muscle and it really helps stabilize blood sugar. It's also very like, on a more metaphysical level, kind of grounding for us. So it just helps bring us back within the body.

Emma: 55:23

We could say definitely back to that point.

Emma: 55:26

To come back to, I'm gonna pin that awesome, you know, having enough healthy fats, drinking enough, because all of these two, if we're not getting enough water in and we're made of mostly water, then, yeah, we could get pretty irritable, so you know. So it's also part of the fuel that our body needs. So first I'm really looking at what is your whole rhythm like, what is your diet generally looking like, and then, if we need to bring in any tests, same thing I'm going to be looking at especially your cortisol levels for that circadian rhythm. And is someone sleeping? Which chances are they could be waking up in the middle of the night if they're having these different stressors, or maybe not even really being able to get out of bed properly. So all these different telltale signs, even in the history, where I'm like, all right, here's where we need to start, definitely, usually on the stress and hormone piece. But, yes, we could always bring in some tests as needed.

Serena Goldstein: 56:27

Beautiful. You know, out of all the conversations that I've been having with people, you are the first one that mentioned that just what is the rhythm of the day and the routines, and I love that because I'm all about the routine, the habits, the daily. You know what is the daily structure for the day. Um, you know how do you maximize what you put in, how do you nurture yourself, what's your self-care like? All these different things, right? This some of the some of what I bring to the conversation with my clients as well. And how do we build in habits or tactics or whatever we need to put in there to support everything that you're saying, so that we can function the best we can, so that we could be the best partner that we want to be to our partner in our relationship. So the habits are just not wellness habits but also connection habits, so all kinds of different habits just to do our life better.

Serena Goldstein: 57:18

So what you said is perfect. Just go in with the rhythm, right, like from the moment I open my eyes, okay, what is my life like, and then what happens? And then what happens, and then what happens, right, until I close my eyes again at night. And can I do anything different to make my life easier and better throughout the day. So I love that that's where you start, that you didn't automatically start with blood work. Let's take 27 vials of blood I'm not going to say who did that and let's find out all of the things you know. So that's fun and I'd like that you start there and then what's indicated, and then we'll do the tests or any test that might be indicated. What things do you find that trip people up? So you mentioned a few things already, like what creates impasses, where do people get like they start butting heads and stuff. And then what would somebody an expert like yourself and who's a good mediator do to be able to resolve that and to help them through, navigate that and pass through?

Glenn Dornfeld: 58:20

That's actually a great question. I'm working now with a couple where the wife has a lot of family money and the husband is asking for a fair amount of spousal support and she, the wife, is furious. She feels that she has been supporting him for years and she doesn't want to support him anymore. And the husband feels he's entitled under law to what he's asking for and has in fact lowered what he's asking for just to kind of get to a deal. So there are emotional resentments and blockages of the process, like she could easily, if she wanted to. She could easily give him what he's asking for and be done with the process.

Glenn Dornfeld: 59:27

I'm not saying that she should, but she could. It's a choice that she could make. And he has pointed out a couple of times that if she gave him what she's asking for, she would not ever feel the difference because of her finances. But she's saying he's not entitled and other things happened between them and so this emotional stuff gets in the way sometimes of them coming to a deal. And so with this couple I have been, like I said before, I've been doing shuttle mediation, talking to one and the other, and I've gotten them a lot closer. I haven't yet gotten them to a deal yet, but the distance between them is now about a fifth of what the distance was when I first started with them.

Glenn Dornfeld: 1:00:17

So they're much closer, but they're both getting close to a resistance point where they're saying I'm not moving anymore.

Glenn Dornfeld: 1:00:27

So I don't know if it'll resolve. So that's one of the things I do, is I try to, because of the hot buttons between them. One of the things I do is I try to because of the hot buttons between them. I've done shuttle and I've tried to get them closer and I have, and I may. Another thing I may propose to them is that they each are coming in saying that their lawyers are telling them that my position is correct, right, and so what I may yeah.

Glenn Dornfeld: 1:00:55

So what I may do next is say can I have a mediation session with your lawyers? Because that way the lawyers can hear what each other is saying, instead of it being a telephone game, where the lawyer allegedly tells the client this and then the client tells me that and then I tell the other person. If the lawyers get together, maybe I can cut through the remaining resistance.

Emma: 1:01:21

Yeah, that's excellent. Unless the other lawyers have taken it less than longer, I'm just saying we might find out.

Glenn Dornfeld: 1:01:28

Yeah, and another process another idea I have with them is we can also go to. There are retired judges who sometimes give neutral opinions. So another thing I might do with them to help them, because neither of them wants to go to court. It would take years, it would eat up a ton of money half a million dollars probably in legal fees and it would be horrible for them. They have kids. Kids are kind of older, but they're still kids, and so I might just encourage them to get a neutral opinion. That would not be binding on them they can still roll the dice and go to a judge but at least it may be helpful to them to know what a judge who's dealt with matrimonials before would say about this. And one of them might well be find out. Oh my God, my lawyer is giving me bad information and I'm going to lose if I go to court. Maybe I want to sell.

Emma: 1:02:33

Oh, how wonderful.

Glenn Dornfeld: 1:02:34

I love that I might have to use that I'm always trying for different ways to solve the problem and remove the impasse, depending on what's presented to me in a given situation.

Emma: 1:02:47

Yeah, that's so interesting. So I had a couple that was very similar to the couple that you're describing. I actually thought of them as soon as you brought them. I'm like, oh, I wonder if that's them. Very similar. Like the woman had the money and the guys wants part of it and she's like that's not your money, like the whole thing. So I understand that storyline. And I have another couple that is more current that when you say you said half a million dollars, sometimes that's nothing actually what some people are spending, it's like wow, like you're throwing your money away, like can we figure something else out? Right, it's like almost silly. But yeah, people get stuck in that. And there's like an emotional component that I biased opinion. Let's address the emotional components so you could get unhooked, right. So maybe referring them to a therapist might be helpful.

Emma: 1:03:37

Hello there, I hope that you enjoyed that compilation and if you haven't watched the first one, feel free to go back to the last episode, the essentials compilation, part one, where we cover the first half of last year's episode, and it's the same similar experience to this, where you get the segments for a quick flavor of the episode that they came from. Feel free to keep looking into what else serves you. If you haven't yet checked out the specific topics further that either the guests or the topic that that might have really felt right for you, that resonates for you at this time feel free to do that now. Just go to the timestamps or the chapters listed in the description box, or just whatever you're watching this, wherever that's available to you, and feel free to dig a little deeper into whatever topic resonated for you more or that you need the most right now and again. You could just get everything in your inbox the links to all of the episodes with the guests and all of their gifts. So feel free to just grab that for yourself and just have it handy so you could quickly reference things as you like.

Emma: 1:04:51

So you could get that at metrorelationshipcom forward slash podcast. Check it out, give us a thumbs up and like, so you could get that at metrorelationshipcom forward slash podcast. Check it out, give us a thumbs up, a like, a comment. All of the things share and I would love to hear what resonated for you the most, what topic you liked, what guests you liked the most, what you would like to hear in the future, know more about, and also what do you think of our podcast page, the little rebrand refresh that we've done. Thank you so much for watching. I hope that you enjoyed this and I look forward to seeing you at the next one. Bye.