(#29) Befriending the Inner Critic and Embracing Self-Compassion with Bianca
Feb 14, 2024Episode 29
Rae The Somatic Coach
Have you ever been overwhelmed by a voice inside your head that won't stop criticizing every move you make? Imagine silencing that voice and replacing it with one of self-compassion, especially on a day dedicated to love, like Valentine's Day! That's the conversation we dive into with Bianca:
Bianca's personal story of how she became the owner of Modern Wellness
Why merging ancient holistic practices with modern psychotherapy creates long lasting transformational change
What the inner critic is, how it relates to shame, and why learning more about the inner critic dismantles the power it has over our day-to-day lives
Tangible practices and strategies that help with navigating the inner critic and tools for practicing self-compassion
What self-compassion is and why it's incredibly important for working with the inner critic
Participate in Curious Convos. Share your questions and topic requests!
Disclaimer: Please remember that the information shared on this podcast is intended to inspire, educate, and support you on your personal journey. It does not substitute for professional mental health advice. I am not a psychologist or medical professional. If you are experiencing any emotional distress, mental health challenges, or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified professional.
Have you ever been overwhelmed by a voice inside your head that won't stop criticizing every move you make? Imagine silencing that voice and replacing it with one of self-compassion, especially on a day dedicated to love, like Valentine's Day! That's the conversation we dive into with Bianca:
Bianca's personal story of how she became the owner of Modern Wellness
Why merging ancient holistic practices with modern psychotherapy creates long lasting transformational change
What the inner critic is, how it relates to shame, and why learning more about the inner critic dismantles the power it has over our day-to-day lives
Tangible practices and strategies that help with navigating the inner critic and tools for practicing self-compassion
What self-compassion is and why it's incredibly important for working with the inner critic
Participate in Curious Convos. Share your questions and topic requests!
Disclaimer: Please remember that the information shared on this podcast is intended to inspire, educate, and support you on your personal journey. It does not substitute for professional mental health advice. I am not a psychologist or medical professional. If you are experiencing any emotional distress, mental health challenges, or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified professional.
Speaker 1:
Welcome to the Radiant Life podcast. I'm your host, ray the Somatic Coach, and I'm here to support you in healing your past, living in the present and creating your future, so that you can become the most centered, embodied and happiest version of yourself. Each week, I'll be bringing you episodes to help you navigate life's challenges, ease stress and tension and learn more about holistic healing, spirituality and wellness. If you're interested in becoming the best version of yourself so that you can live the life of your dreams, then you're in the right place. Subscribe to the podcast and the monthly newsletter and follow me on Instagram and TikTok to know when new episodes are released each week. I am so happy that you've landed here. Let's dive in. Hello, and welcome back to the podcast. I'm so glad that you're here.
Speaker 1:
Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode. I also know that today is Valentine's Day, so happy Valentine's Day. I hope that you have an amazing day and I hope you enjoy today's episode, for today we have our next guest expert, bianca. She is the founder of Modern Wellness and she's also a licensed mental health counselor. Today we chat about the inner critic, we chat about self-compassion, and I'm really excited to bring to you this conversation. I had so much fun recording with Bianca and I hope that you really enjoy it. I'll talk to you soon. Welcome back to the podcast. Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode. I'm so excited to have our next guest expert, bianca. Bianca, welcome, I'm so happy that you're here, welcome.
Speaker 2:
I'm so excited to be here and I absolutely love your podcast. I've been listening to the episodes. I've been learning a lot myself, so I just wanted to let you know that I'm really loving it and I'm so honored to be here.
Speaker 1:
Oh, thank you. I'm so glad that you're here and that we've got to connect in this way. Bianca and I, over the past I'd say like a year or two kind of have been able to collaborate in a few different ways, and I love being a part of her community, which we'll dive into at Modern Wellness, yes, so thank you, I'm so glad to hear that. Bianca, can you share a little bit more maybe about your personal story of how you became a mental health counselor and then also how you became the founder of Modern Wellness?
Speaker 2:
Yes, definitely, I love this question. It's my favorite question. So when I was eight years old, I was introduced to my tennis coach, who at the time I did not know would be my life mentor and we're still in touch, still today, all these years, and he is that type of person. He's so intelligent, intuitive, he just studies so much, he learns so much and shares that information. So he really introduced me to holistic healing practices energy work, yoga, meditation. He actually led me through my first meditation. I can remember it like it was yesterday. So he completely changed my life and I wanted to help people the same way that he has helped me throughout my entire life. So that is my purpose, that's my why, and Modern Wellness was born from that using all these things that this man has taught me into one space. So, yeah, it's just a beautiful thing and it really just resonates with my upbringing and my story and it's yeah, I think that's it.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I know, I love that so much and that hits home for me too. Just having a coach when you're younger, that is a positive influence like that. It could like make me cry. That's so sweet, I love that. Were you a competitive at like? Did you compete with tennis? Was that something that you like played in college Like? Or was that kind of just like? He was a memorable figure that came into your life temporarily.
Speaker 2:
So I actually I did play college tennis and he was my coach since I was eight years old up until I went to college. Yeah, oh my God, that's so cool. I loved playing tennis, but I honestly think he might be the reason I stuck with it for so long, because there were times we had tennis lessons where we wouldn't even touch a tennis racket and it was something happened in school, something happened with my family or friend, and he just guided me through it. He was like my life coach and he just completely changed my life. I actually it's funny like I'm a therapist now, so I find myself remembering things that he taught me when I was younger. So with my younger clients, I'm using all the stuff that he wants to use with me. So it's just, it's a full circle. It's just really cool to see.
Speaker 1:
Oh, wow, that is so cool. I love that. I love that. Yeah, we could talk about growing up and playing sports forever, but we will stick to the conversation of what we're going to chat about today. But before we dive into today's topic, modern wellness I absolutely like, love what you've created and I think it's such a nice community and, just having taught there a few times, people are so engaged, they feel so welcomed. They really love the dynamic approach that you've created, and I know you well I'm on your email list, so I know this, but ancient wisdom and modern science approach Like.
Speaker 1:
can you share just maybe how you landed with that philosophy?
Speaker 2:
Yes, definitely so I actually. We just trademarked it too, which is really exciting, yeah. So basically, well, I guess to continue a little bit with my story, when I was in my late teens, early 20s, I started to develop an anxiety disorder. I wasn't in therapy at the time, but I'm diagnosing my younger self as an anxiety disorder. I used to have panic attacks randomly when I'm driving here, there, everywhere. It was so hard to deal with and I said I don't want to go on medication unless I really have to. Of course, if you have to, you have to.
Speaker 2:
But I took a year and a half utilizing all of these practices that my coach has taught me, and then more stuff that I've learned, and it really was a blend of the ancient wisdom practices of yoga, meditation and breathwork, which has been going on for thousands of years with the modern psychotherapy. So my philosophy is combining both of these. Bridging the gap between both of these philosophies is the ultimate way that we can help heal ourselves. So it resonates with a lot of people and we see that that approach has really, really just been so helpful.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I love that intersection and I think it really, yeah, it really is so important to have like all of that and I think it really gives people the opportunity especially the way that you present it for them to find what they need. You know, because for each person it's going to be a little bit different. So by offering it all, it's like they really get this comprehensive, holistic approach where they can find what they need for their nervous system or their body or their mind or whatever kind of resonates for them. So that sounds amazing, exactly, thank you, yeah, huge fan. So for today, we thought that the inner critic would be a great topic to dive into more in depth and just to really talk about, like what the inner critic is, like how this shows up in our day to day life, like if it's showing up, what we can do to navigate that and, I guess, to kick things off like let's chat a little bit more about what the inner critic is. Yeah.
Speaker 2:
Yes, definitely. I was introduced to this concept by my my second mentor. Actually, who my first mentor, my coach, introduced me to? She's her name is Yolanda Kumiru. She's a psychotherapist for 35, maybe almost 40 years now and she studied under these two psychologists Holland, Sidra Stone and they wrote this amazing book in Bree Singer, inner critic. So when I read this I was just blown away. So I don't know if there's any theories on I guess I'm going to say theories, but different approaches of what the inner critic is, but it all comes to the same. The same core of it's this critical voice inside of us, essentially judging us, everything that we do or don't do, based upon our values.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, you know, it's so interesting because we all do have that, that voice in our head that isn't the kindest and something that I've connected over the past few years of just really like you want to transform that voice. I went to one class where they considered that voice to be like our inner shame. That was like an interesting perspective for me where it kind of like alleviated some of that friction that I was feeling with the inner critics, and it's definitely an ongoing journey, like I especially. I mean I don't know if, like shame and inner critics are exactly like the same thing, but I just feel like it's relates to kind of like what you mentioned there.
Speaker 2:
That's why I say there's different approaches to it, but essentially it is the same thing. I use the word, I use the label inner critic, you can use inner shame, you could use anything that speaks to you, but and I'm sure we'll get into this but just identifying who it is in you and what it sounds like really does alleviate the control that it has over us. So that's that is really important to do. That's what I always say is step one. So you already started that process yourself.
Speaker 1:
That exactly is like the biggest or like the first step, because once you have the disconnection of that voice, isn't you? It's just a part that does create a little bit more freedom to continue the exploration or the journey, or whatever that might that might look like. So what are some challenges that you think people might face if they are struggling with the inner critic, maybe running the show for them?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, we see a lot. I'm saying we, but I guess myself I see a lot of people that suffer from depression, anxiety, low self-esteem. A person that has a strong inner critic usually has one or more of these things, because it's just that negative, judgmental voice constantly telling us we're not good enough, we're not pretty enough, we're not skinny enough, whatever it might be, and everyone has like their different things that they criticize about themselves. And a lot of times these judgments come from our family members had these judgments towards us or just in general, so now we adopted them. Or society in general, of what society thinks is good or not good and how we should be or shouldn't be. That's another thing too.
Speaker 2:
It might come out as like shoulds or should nots, this critical voice, but it's important to know I'm sorry if I'm going a little off track, but it's important to know that this voice, even though it can affect us so negatively, it actually is trying to help us. It's actually trying to protect us from being vulnerable. It's trying to make us succeed in the world, to fit in with the world. And if we look at this from like an evolutionary perspective, if we fit in let's just say the ancestral environment if we fit in we have a better chance of survival.
Speaker 2:
So our brains, we are still in, we're still almost like we're back in those times, like thousands of years ago, but we're just in a modern world. So now it shows up differently. It shows up if we're not being accepted into a group. It wants to keep us safe. So our voice inside is saying do this or don't do this, because we want to keep ourselves safe, even though we're not at a physical threat anymore if we're not accepted into a group of people. Let's just say that's just one of the many examples. But even just understanding that too can really help alleviate it for somebody.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I love that perspective and I think it's something that we don't talk about enough. Just this idea that our evolution over time has changed and although we've evolved so fast, like the way that our life looks today is so drastically different than our previous timeline, that part of the practices I've even noticed for myself, the practices that we talk about doing to help with easing anxiety, like connecting with your breath or putting your feet in the ground, connecting with the earth or getting sunlight, things that in our evolution, like we didn't really need to worry about because like that's what we were doing, like we were outside, we were with the earth, we were in the sun, we were breathing and things like that, and so it's funny, bringing it back to basics, from the nervous system perspective at least, totally lands for this like evolution perspective that I don't think we really talk about enough.
Speaker 2:
I think it's so funny, too, that we have to make time to relax, like I really think that's a funny concept. We need to make time to relax and like to feel grounded and do these things that were, like so natural that we had to do. We were forced to do back then, but that's a story for another day. But yeah, so then, with this voice, like it's there for a reason, it's there to protect us and help us, but now it's being, of course, modern world. It's like these things we don't always need them anymore for our safety and our survival.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, yeah. And you know what's interesting is like part of this story that you shared with your tennis coach. This was such a positive, you know, relationship that you had in your life and in like four years and I, you know, I can speak to, like you coaches I think that's why it lands for me so much ones that did land for me and ones that, like I'm like maybe they're not that they were the best for me at that time. How do you think maybe our previous lived experiences or those impactful relationships might impact the voice of the inner critic today?
Speaker 2:
Yeah well, so at first, I mean I hate to always go back to family and parents. I feel like we're always doing that in therapy, but it really does start with our parents. So, whether it's judgments they had towards us or even judgments they had towards other people, if you ever overheard your parents talking about external people, they should do this or they shouldn't do that, or why are they this way or that way we internalize that. Now it may not be every single judgment, but everyone can definitely recall at least a handful of judgments that they have towards themselves based upon the what your parents thought was good or bad. So that's really a big one that I encourage people to take a look at.
Speaker 2:
And then, secondly, could be friends or experiences, such as even bullying experiences. I mean, that really can stick with someone for years and just thoughts about ourselves that people have shamed us for or told us about criticisms from the external world. And then third really is just the society standards that we are constantly seeing every single day because we have social media and seeing what's accepted or not accepted. So really it's. I really believe it's those three major, major monsters, I guess. So it's really good to look at those three things.
Speaker 1:
It's something that's so helpful when you're doing like therapy or coaching to be able to have that guidance in those moments to reflect on those relationships, because Sometimes, if we are not given the time and space or the guidance, we do internalize that voice and we don't have the time to create that separation like we kind of just spoke about. So that's yeah, I could definitely see how, though, all of those relationships would be really impactful.
Speaker 2:
And not and they're not bad either too like there are some things that our parents encourage that really serve us well too. So it's not all negative. I know the voice can be negative, but just I just always want to say that too, just so people can accept that there is good and bad in this, like anything in life really.
Speaker 1:
Right, right, yeah. Now I love that. That disclaimer there, yeah, and if somebody were struggling with the inner critic today, what might be Two or three strategies that they could use to start working with this part of themselves?
Speaker 2:
First and foremost, always start with awareness, and this is a. This is like a deeper concept and I know you do a lot of like inner child work, so it's kind of similar to that in a sense of like you really need to slow down on and listen to these messages because a lot of times they're happening without Total awareness at all. Even myself, I feel like I'm, I'm, I know this topic pretty well. I've done classes, I've read books and I still sometimes Forget who's speaking, who's who's running the ship at times or driving the ship. So one is to really tune in, to slow down.
Speaker 2:
And Journaling another thing a huge thing is journaling, so figuring out what judgments you, the critic is is Judging inside of you, and also relating that to like we said before, like where does this judgment come from? Is it from a past experience? Is it from parents views? Is it your own values that you develop through time? It could be anything and a lot of times it carries value and that's. That's fine.
Speaker 2:
The other thing too I would say is, if you again, you mentioned the inner child work, and I know you're big with that we have to learn how to reparent our inner critic as well and be apparent to it, just because it comes out maybe more powerful than an inner child, it's still very vulnerable, very, very vulnerable, and we need to nurture that part of us that criticizes, so that also whether that takes a coach or a therapist to work with Even just responding to the inner critic, talking to the inner critic, dialoguing, like okay, I hear you, I know you're trying to help me, but, xyz, you know, just listening to it, acknowledging it and then speaking back to it, could really be helpful.
Speaker 1:
I Love all of those steps you mentioned slowing down, building awareness, journaling so good for like introspection and learning more about yourself, and then the reparenting and the practice of reparenting in itself and like what that can do for you. And what I'm hearing is like there's an element of like self-compassion and self-reflection that is present. Do you have any like tools or technique, techniques or tips for either growing some self-compassion or Building that self-reflection muscle?
Speaker 2:
Yes, absolutely. Are you familiar with Kristen Neff? I believe she's like yes.
Speaker 2:
She is like she's awesome. So I've done some studying with her work. She's a self-compassion expert. Another thing to note the inner critic cannot die. We cannot kill our inner critic. It's always going to be there the rest of our lives and we can have better control over it. One way is to also develop the opposite side. So we have the inner critic, the voice of the inner critic, and then we also can develop a voice of self-compassion. The self-compassion, if we grow that to be strong, can take over the inner critic at times when the inner critic gets a little bit too wild and crazy. So just even doing that in itself can put this back into balance more of an equilibrium.
Speaker 2:
And something that she says and something that stood out to me, kristen Neff, is that we believe that we need to be criticized or criticize ourselves to motivate change, which actually is not necessarily true. If we come from a place of self-compassion and love, we can actually facilitate change even better. So say you want to change something about yourself and you're criticizing yourself, you're actually not doing yourself a, you're doing a disservice there. So self-compassion comes from love and self-criticism comes from fear, and that really stuck out to me. So just to kind of come to a close with this tangent I went on.
Speaker 2:
Something that you can do is recognize okay, the voice of self-criticism, the inner critic, versus okay, how can I transform that into self-compassion? So you might be saying something to yourself like you didn't work hard enough, you didn't do this enough today and what is wrong with you, say that's the inner critic, right, this voice of self-compassion can come back and say, okay, so you tried your best for today you didn't get one of these things done, but tomorrow's another day, and give yourself grace, that's okay. So the same message, said in two very different ways, and actually one which will serve us better in the long run, which is the voice of self-compassion.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, so powerful. And I love that connection that you make of balance and yes, the inner critic is present like how can we develop the other side of self-compassion to balance that out? I love that phrasing and we'll put Kristen Neff's link in the show notes and the book that you mentioned earlier too in the show notes. And I also love how you've named that self-criticism comes from fear and self-compassion comes from love, and that we can't shame ourselves into success, I guess, or shame ourselves into what we're trying to do, Because when we treat ourselves more of a place of love, more realistically, we're actually going to do those things that we are trying to do, rather than kind of shame ourselves to get there Exactly.
Speaker 2:
Yep, you got it.
Speaker 1:
I love that. I've learned so much. This was like so nice. Thank you so much. Oh, so glad. Thank you. Thank you, yeah, of course. And so the last question that I ask my guest experts, which maybe you know if you listen to the podcast, it is what is something it could be anything in your life right now that is lighting you up, that is inspiring you?
Speaker 2:
Yes, I love this question because I recently started getting into fiction reading. I never was a fiction reader because I have a very strong doer in me that's like I need to learn, I need to learn, learn, learn, learn. And I'm like, oh, that might be a waste of time to read something just for fun. But in an attempt to do a little bit more self care and to relax more, I started delving into fiction reading. So I started the series A Court of Thorns and Roses. That's the first book by Sarah J Moss. I believe it was amazing. So I'm going to continue the series and it's definitely is lighting me up and then also giving me just some fun space to relax and do something for me. So I'm very happy with my decision to start reading it.
Speaker 1:
Oh, yeah, that's amazing. I've heard really good things about that series. I haven't started it myself, but I've heard really good things. That sounds really really nice, amazing. So thank you so much, bianca. This was so nice. I'll put all of your information in the show notes. We'll link Kristen Nuff and the book that you mentioned earlier as well. And, yeah, thank you so much. Thank you, thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode. If you were moved or inspired, please share with me by leaving a rating and review on Apple Podcast. It means the world to me and I am so appreciative for your support in helping my podcast grow. If we aren't already connected on social media, head over to Instagram and TikTok and follow me at Ray the Sematic Coach. Make sure you check out the show notes of today's episode for links to freebies, opportunities to work with me and ways we can stay connected outside of the podcast. I'm so happy that you're here and I can now eat to talk with you on our next episode of the Radiant Life Podcast.
