What happens when the fairytale love story, complete with diamond earrings and a new life in a different state, ends in a staggering divorce? Join us as we delve into the raw pain, the inevitable healing, and the profound personal growth that followed, offering a candid recount of Jenn's experiences.
In this episode, we delve into the poignant journey of a relationship unraveling under the weight of depression. Explore the emotional landscape as we discuss the complexities when a spouse is in a mental health crisis, ultimately choosing to part ways. This is a story of heartbreak, resilience, and the path to healing after divorce.
Tips for dealing with a depressed spouse:
https://www.canva.com/design/DAF0J5eIFTs/view
Social Media: LPoP
https://www.instagram.com/lastpieceofpiepodcast/
https://www.threads.net/@lastpieceofpiepodcast
https://www.tiktok.com/@last.piece.of.pie?_t=8j0uDxkYoVm&_r=1
Send us your comments or questions and we will answer them on the show!
email - lastpieceofpiepodcast@gmail.com
What happens when the fairytale love story, complete with diamond earrings and a new life in a different state, ends in a staggering divorce? Join us as we delve into the raw pain, the inevitable healing, and the profound personal growth that followed, offering a candid recount of Jenn's experiences.
In this episode, we delve into the poignant journey of a relationship unraveling under the weight of depression. Explore the emotional landscape as we discuss the complexities when a spouse is in a mental health crisis, ultimately choosing to part ways. This is a story of heartbreak, resilience, and the path to healing after divorce.
Tips for dealing with a depressed spouse:
https://www.canva.com/design/DAF0J5eIFTs/view
Social Media: LPoP
https://www.instagram.com/lastpieceofpiepodcast/
https://www.threads.net/@lastpieceofpiepodcast
https://www.tiktok.com/@last.piece.of.pie?_t=8j0uDxkYoVm&_r=1
Send us your comments or questions and we will answer them on the show!
email - lastpieceofpiepodcast@gmail.com
Welcome, el Papers. This is the last piece of pie. I'm Jen, I'm Al, and today we get to talk about my story.
Speaker 2:I'm excited for you.
Speaker 1:Oh well, I don't know if I'm excited or just overwhelmed.
Speaker 2:It's okay, it's a lot.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to start with my childhood because mine was pretty normal For you kid. I grew up two parents Pretty good, Played sports. I hated high school. I have to say that I did hate high school. Couldn't wait to get out there fast enough.
Speaker 2:I love how yours died right under this. I mean, we are just full tilt, less roll.
Speaker 1:Yes, El Papers were going to talk about my story, my divorce story and the lessons learned from that divorce story?
Speaker 2:I'm glad you're going to share. They want to know.
Speaker 1:So my divorce happened 10 years ago. Wow, it's been that long. It's crazy.
Speaker 2:That's good.
Speaker 1:I haven't spoken or seen my ex for probably the last five years, which is fine. We didn't have kids. There was no really reason to. We met through a work event. He was living in Minneapolis, I was living in Indiana and the company I was working for he was thinking about opening a franchise. So I worked for a sandwich company, I was a corporate trainer and a franchise consultant.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, this is amazing. Wait, wait, wait Were you a sandwich maker?
Speaker 1:No, I was not the sandwich maker. I taught people how to make sandwiches oh, this is even better and how to run their business. Basically.
Speaker 2:That is amazing how can we even talk about how to make a sandwich?
Speaker 1:Well, I can tell you how to make a wrapped sandwich. I mean, what do you want to know? It's not that hard. Exactly, this is the running the business part that was the most difficult for people. He came to a meeting to learn more about it and we talked afterwards because there was a cocktail reception.
Speaker 2:Of course there was.
Speaker 1:And we I don't know hit it off, had a couple drinks. I think he asked me what I was doing afterwards after you're making your sandwich or after you're doing it After the meeting, drinking cocktail hour. It was October, so I was like I was meeting some friends and then we were going to a haunted house A who house? Haunted house, Haunted.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so Blow your bottles. Has anyone else noticed that the gents' bottles are different In Indiana? Y'all say your bottles are different, so.
Speaker 1:I was like, do you want to come to the haunted house? And he was like, yeah, let's go. So drug him to meet my friends and drinks and food, and went to a haunted house. And then we went to a bar afterwards and like shut the bar down, oh shit, and we went back to my house or apartment. I should say I don't know. I think we probably went to sleep around four in the morning.
Speaker 2:Oh, so you're your mother's child for sure. Now the truth comes out. Nothing happened. That's what mom said too, but her father didn't go to the battle for a black woman either.
Speaker 1:So these girls. Is Anderson girls, I don't know, Well, the bar closed at 3 am in Indy so we got back to and then he woke up and was like I have a flight to catch at like 7 30.
Speaker 2:Oh god.
Speaker 1:So I rushed him back to his hotel. He dropped on a flight. The first six months of our relationship. Well, a it was long distance, but B it was casual. He had actually just gotten divorced, so he was no shit. Yeah, he was married before, three years older than me, but yeah, I just got into the horse. Was that looking for a relationship? I was like, okay, well, you live in Minnesota anyway.
Speaker 2:So hold him down. He did, he went, he jumped right back in. Yeah, you did a little grace, a little bit them for six months long distance.
Speaker 1:I went there for work a couple of times and you know we'd go to dinner, hang out, whatever. I Think he did come to Indiana. Once the six-month mark, I was kind of like, okay, like what do we do? And do, like what do we do? And dude want a serious relationship. I know it's long distance, I'm like, but I'm not gonna keep just casually doing this for another Whatever six months to a year.
Speaker 2:I'm impressed that you gave it six months, because the gen now would not tolerate that. You but get three months, you'd be like a matter fly.
Speaker 1:I will say I think it was like a Two weeks of us like talking and after the first trip to Minnesota, I think I came back and told my girlfriend I'm like that's the guy I'm gonna marry, like I should you man.
Speaker 2:I did.
Speaker 1:I did so, I don't know. I think it was my birthday, was around the six-month mark and he had bought me a really nice gift. It was like, okay, I'm all in. Oh, I'll buy you diamond earrings Damn.
Speaker 2:He's serious. Yeah, that was nice.
Speaker 1:So it's your birthday, april. Oh, okay diamonds are my birthstone. Hey, fuck my life, yeah, yeah for any future people out there my birthstone is diamonds.
Speaker 2:They're girls.
Speaker 1:That's friend.
Speaker 2:Apparently Shoot. I got him in the door.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know. I think it was another six to nine months. Then I ended up moving to Minnesota, no sure. At the time too I had to look for another job because the company I was working for Basically was going out of business. They're not really around anymore. What's it called Rolly Polly Sandwich?
Speaker 2:That was my favorite Michigan State. You were a Rolly Polly girl.
Speaker 1:I opened that store at Michigan State.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, what a small world. You're probably there by some college.
Speaker 1:Yeah, probably.
Speaker 2:Oh my god, that's hilarious, yeah.
Speaker 1:I opened that store. So yeah, so moved to Minnesota. We lived there for a year, Then he got transferred to Chicago for his job and then I had to find another job. Did you go to Chicago?
Speaker 2:We lived in the suburbs Naperville right, but you went to Minnesota, oh, yeah, so that's when we moved in together.
Speaker 1:When I moved him in Minneapolis, we didn't move in together. Oh, you got your own place yeah, it's not an independent woman I was like, hey, if this doesn't work out. For that reason, now that I live here, you know, it's my own place. Yeah, so we lived in Chicago, got engaged on my 30th birthday.
Speaker 2:Geez, who likes diamonds?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then, yeah, I got him married a year after that.
Speaker 2:First year was great, oh, actually how long did you take to plan a wedding? How long did you stay?
Speaker 1:I think it took like nine months because right during our like the week before our wedding, we moved to Indiana for his job, so I was planning a move and finishing our wedding details. We got married in Chicago, though you moved a lot I know Sweet Jesus. I am a world traveler.
Speaker 2:You are.
Speaker 1:So we moved, I moved too.
Speaker 2:five miles I can still lay to my dad as he drives by.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we moved to Indiana for his job and at the time, because I was with a different company, I couldn't work anywhere.
Speaker 2:Nice.
Speaker 1:So and plus, when we were talking about getting married and having kids my family's from Indiana, so it was. We were thinking like we have family around and we think about having kids. So, yeah, we moved to Indiana, I forgot married and the first year was great, second year was great and then this bomb drop happened. What was the bomb? He came to me and said I'm not happy, I'm not happy with our life, I'm not happy with our marriage, I'm not happy with myself. There's something wrong. There's something wrong with me. I, I need to leave, like physically leave and figure out what's wrong with me. And I was like what do you mean? You need to physically leave? And he's like I don't know. He's like there's just something wrong. I don't, nothing brings me joy anymore. He's like I think I have to leave. And he did. He literally like a couple hours later had a Duffel bag and just left.
Speaker 2:I was like I'm trying to be quiet.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, he left our house and I was, remember, standing in the living room and just thinking what the fuck is happening. Yeah, I texted him. He didn't answer. I called him, he didn't answer. It was like hours later he texted me, was like I'm okay, I'm, I'm gonna stay at a hotel for the weekend. Okay, I'm like can we talk at least? And he's like I can't talk about it and I was like okay. So I call my best friend, the one that was in brazil. Yeah, told her and she's like what do you mean? I go, he's gone. And she's like so she came up. I don't know if I would have survived that night if she didn't like come up, at least Bring wine and let me cry.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the first I don't know that weekend he left and then that Tuesday I had to turn around and I had to leave for a work trip and I was like I have to leave, what do I do with a dog? Because we had a dog together and I was like what do I do with the dog? Are you coming back? Like what's happening? He's like no, I'll come. He's like I'm gonna come back to the house. I was like, okay, he came back to the house while I was gone for my work trip.
Speaker 2:Dad, you had a must-try at the strength of your work trip.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's hard I couldn't get out of it because my boss was gonna be there. Yeah, that's fine, kind of just focused on work. And then when I got back we talked about it more. I mean, looking back now there was, I guess, kind of warning signs that I didn't really notice or I just thought we were just bickering because he was very moody the couple months leading up to the bomb drop and we argued over like this stupidest shit. I'm like what is wrong with you, like why are you like PMSing?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and he's like nothing.
Speaker 1:everything's fine. Of course, everything was not fine Was he seeing someone? Else. No, I don't know for sure, but there was like no indication that there was anybody else.
Speaker 2:Was he by phone? Is he by phone?
Speaker 1:No. Later on he was extremely depressed, oh okay so which I don't think he will ever really admit, but he was, he was, he got or became extremely depressed and come to find out like his mom. But there was depression in his family. And then there were some things that had happened. I thought I was pregnant and I really wasn't, and then he had some issues with boundaries with his family and I don't know. There was just a lot of stuff, I guess, that was building up over time, that he didn't talk about.
Speaker 2:He just let it, so you weren't able to help him get help Because he wasn't being upfront.
Speaker 1:No, I, he wouldn't even tell me everything that was going on. So it was hard for me to understand in the beginning, like what was happening and trying to figure out how to help him for the first six months. Like we didn't tell anybody, like my parents didn't know, friends didn't know. He would be at the house and then he would go away and then he would come back and be at the house and he would go, stay with a friend and then he would come back to that. I mean, it was the roller coaster.
Speaker 2:that must have been awful on you.
Speaker 1:It was terrible, it was terrible and I started to see or understand. I'm like, okay, I think this is depression. You're having some kind of midlife crisis on top of this, you know, maybe we should get you to go talk to somebody. Well, you didn't want to do that. He was totally against therapy, so he would go out and drink instead.
Speaker 2:That's not a good therapist.
Speaker 1:Nope, and he would gamble.
Speaker 2:Definitely not a good therapist either.
Speaker 1:No, he tried drinking and gambling his problems. It was really hard. It was over Christmas, Like pretending everything was fine when knowing like two weeks earlier he wasn't even at the house.
Speaker 2:I'm so sorry that that would have been terrible. Yeah, because you're not a fake person. No, like I ain't faked it. You can't fake it.
Speaker 1:No, I can't. I tried to, but you can see it on my face.
Speaker 2:I guess when you walked in something, I was like you feel heavy, what's going on. You're like, well, you're just easy to read yeah. Girl.
Speaker 2:I know A poppy that work phone adjurian says here, and I'm too sick to get up to throw it out the damn window. I thought I turned it off. She's a handful, isn't she? I know. So listen, alpapers, we'll just take a little break for a minute. I'm sick. I'm sitting here like feeling like I'm dead and I'm looking at Jen who's been doing Christmas shit and is covered in glitter and like, if you all can see us right now, you'd be like Lord hot mass express. But we're still here. We're still committed to our Wednesday launch and we love you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was trying to be like oh, maybe the glitter will cover my downness, I'll just be all spark.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, you can't hide your downness. Love you I know.
Speaker 1:It's been some lessons.
Speaker 2:I've talked about this stuff but good though, like I feel like remember how hard of a hard time I had once.
Speaker 1:I did it.
Speaker 2:Like it does get easier. So I'm proud of you for exposing me and being vulnerable and talking about hard days. Nobody likes to, but I feel like we all need to start talking about hard days because we need a place, a safe place, to get all those feelings out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if anybody can learn anything from what I went through and I don't even know if his family and friends, or even my family, knew the extent of everything that happened and what was going on, because it was, it was just hard to explain, and hard to explain he was going through and there were B times in that first six months the only way he could tell me like how he was feeling was to write me a letter.
Speaker 2:Oh well, at least he acknowledged that At least he could do that yes.
Speaker 1:That is huge, so it did because I traveled for work, I would get this letter. He would stick it in my suitcase sometimes or he would email it to me. So I'm like on the road, like reading this letter, yeah, everything that was going on. And then, on top of that, like he started to sometimes blame me for how he was feeling and that our that's why our marriage was not good the last couple months, would say things to me like oh, it's your fault or you know, you haven't been appreciative, and just he would just project his stuff onto me that it was me that caused him to feel the way he felt, which was shitty because I wasn't the one that caused it.
Speaker 1:And it took me a long time to get over that, knowing that it wasn't my fault. And once I finally said, listen, I go, I don't know what to do here, nobody knows. I'm like you got to tell a friend or something You're. I'm like people kind of know. I actually got him to tell his friend. I was like I got to tell my family because we had some family stuff. I think that was going to come up and I'm like they're going to wonder where you're at. We finally told my family, told his mom. His mom like, flew down and took me out to lunch and was like are you okay?
Speaker 1:I'm like no, I'm like you're for concern, is like what, off the deep end. And I was like you got to get him to go to counseling because there was times when he would drink and then terrible the next day, and then he would be driving in his car late at night and he would call me. I think I just, I just want to run my car into a tree. Oh sweet Jesus, jen.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I just I should run off the road, I should disappear from everybody, like that was multiple times I would. He would say this to me or he would call me. There was one time he was super drunk, didn't want to go all the way back to his friend's house, so he called me and he's like I got to spend the night at the house. He's like I'm scared, I'm going to do something. So he slept on the couch that night and I told his mom. I was like you know, he's told me these things, so I'm worried that a cop's going to show up at my house one night and tell me he's not here anymore. Thank God for his mom. His mom talked him into like going to a counselor.
Speaker 1:I also think it started to affect his work, which was his like lifeline at the time. If he didn't have work, I think it would have been way worse. So, but I think it started to affect him at work and his boss was like yo, dude, we got, like you know, great mental health resources If you need it. It took him a couple. The first person he went to he didn't like, and then he was like somebody he liked.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if I had. Therapists can be tough. We can not have to find a good one. Yeah, and that's your energy too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you can't force somebody to go to therapy or want to change. They have to want to change themselves. And that was the hardest part to watch, cause I was like I know this is not you and I know you're saying all these things to me that I know you don't really feel, because you know at other times he would be like I love you so much and you're the best thing to happen to me and I could never leave you. And. But then he turned around and saying exact opposite oh, roller coaster. I was emotional for a year, like I went through that for a year.
Speaker 1:The tipping point for me is we went to Vegas for a friend's wedding. I think some of his friends knew at that point in time and he was in the wedding and we barely spent time together. I think he's barely barely spent any time in the room because he basically gambled a lot. But two of his friends called me and they were like what are you doing today? And I was like I'm just hanging out by the pool by myself because I don't know. He was off doing something for the wedding. And we went to this Vegas pool party and I got so hammered. You know emotions and alcohol don't mix well. At this Vegas pool party, just living my life getting hammered with his two best friends One of them knew kind of what the deal was, I don't know.
Speaker 1:My ex shows up I think it's around six o'clock. We had been drinking since like noon and he was pissed that I was drunk, that his friends got me drunk and he had a baby sit me the rest of the night I had a baby stand for a year. So I was like sorry, yeah, jeez, I. Yeah. He was so mad at me that night and I was like, dude, you've been gone for how long?
Speaker 1:And this is like my one night or one day I released, like what, my whatever? I probably probably said too much because I had drank too much also, which probably also pissed him off that I was spilling all our tea. But I'm like these are your friends, if anything, they can help you. It was kind of after that Vegas trip and then we had another friend's wedding in Minneapolis and we argued for days of whether I should go to it or not. Four days we streaming matches and I ended up going and I remember being there and I was like I I shouldn't be here anymore, like these aren't my people anymore. I just knew and on the plane ride home I cried the entire plane ride home. Poor stewardess probably thought what the hell's wrong with?
Speaker 2:this lady.
Speaker 1:But, and when we got to the airport and grabbed my luggage and he grabbed his luggage and I also had found out that he had signed a lease on an apartment, so he had officially, was like moved out and didn't tell me he had signed a lease on an apartment and we walked away from that airport separately and two days later I thought, lord, yeah, I couldn't do it anymore.
Speaker 1:And he kept saying to me too. He would say to me like we should get a divorce, and then he would backtrack. And then he would say we should get a divorce, and then he would backtrack. So that also went on during the whole and then finally I was like I can't do this anymore. I'm stuck, I'm not even living my life anymore. I cried the entire time I filled out the paper, cried it when I handed it to the lady, because she was like you know, you don't have to file this. I'm like, yes, I can. I didn't want to, but I knew I had to.
Speaker 2:It's a very, very tough decision.
Speaker 1:It is because I didn't think there was anything wrong in our marriage until that happened. And then maybe I am a bad wife. Maybe I should have quit my job and not traveled. Maybe I should have asked to have kids earlier. We fought about kids and he would say to me like you said you number one in kids. I was like I didn't say that. I said I didn't want to have kids the first year because I thought it should be about us the first year. He would say yes. Then he would kind of change his mind. Then he would say yes again. But then when he was going through his stuff he was like I'm going to be a bad dad. I'm like you're only saying that. That's because I feel better self right now. I remember my best friend telling me during that first year when we were separated on and off, she was like a kid is not going to save your marriage and I was like, oh I know you're right.
Speaker 1:Thank you for don't have kids to try to save your marriage Bad idea. And then it took us a year to actually sign the papers because he wouldn't agree on anything. We didn't have kids, we had a house, not any whole lot of other assets, right, except for some debt that he had I had. He had almost wiped out a bunch of our savings because of the gambling. He was like we don't need a lawyer. And I'm like, yes, we do need a lawyer. He just wouldn't sign anything. He kept saying well, what if we get back together? I'm like you haven't lived here, you live in an apartment. I'm like you have not lived here physically. I'm like, and you have shown no desire to like fix our marriage. You can barely work on yourself right now to make yourself Literally. The judge had to say to him either you sign this agreement by this day, which is he gave us like a week, or he was like I'm throwing out your divorce.
Speaker 2:Oh, wow.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I was like please do not make me do this process all over again. I can't do it, I don't care. I'm like you can have the dog, we can split the dog. Like I don't care anymore. I'm like, just don't make me do this process again.
Speaker 2:It's a very hard process.
Speaker 1:It is. I mean, we didn't even have kids and it took us a year. So I can't imagine people have kids Like that's why you get a lawyer, because you cannot make a non-emotional decision while you're getting divorced. That's why I am such an advocate for people to get a lawyer or get a mediator I don't care if it was mutual, especially if it's not mutual or if you're in a unsafe position Like get a lawyer, get a mediator, because you do not make rational decisions about anything.
Speaker 2:No, you're not yourself for a good year. No, a good year even after it's done. No.
Speaker 1:We filed. I think he said something to me like he's like well, maybe someday, when I'm like me again, like this will all work out, and I said, yeah, maybe I go. What's meant to be, what meant to be. I didn't. We went our separate ways. We're good. I kept the house. I hated that house.
Speaker 2:I feel bad for the both of you. Depression is very hard and it's very hard mentally, but you've also went through so many emotions that year.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would say I think I physically I mean people could. I'm so sorry you're going through this, jen, because it was all over my face.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean, it was very hard to like fake happy.
Speaker 2:We can't, no, we can't, we can't no, I couldn't even think. I couldn't even think to be happy.
Speaker 1:Well, that and it just it screwed up my self confidence so bad that I felt like I failed at my marriage. The things that he had said to me like you know, blaming me, saying it's my fault, there's like no spark. Like gained and lost weight during our marriage and he really criticized me a lot about that, and you gained 30 pounds, like I know, a lot of it now is just him projecting his own insecurities on me, but at the time I was like like I thought it was me, you took it personal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's just normal, right? You've seen it in a personal way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Cause you know, I didn't know how else to like describe to people, like how my husband or ex-husband literally just walked out of the house one weekend without really any warning I mean small warnings but none that I thought, oh, he's just gonna up and leave, like one night, whatever, it's temporary. You know marital issues that we have to work through that are small. They weren't even that big, but apparently they were just small things that added up over time and it just shows how much you have to communicate in your marriage. To your person you just can't let, you just can't hold things in, and also to me. I guess I learned I want to know, like, how my partner's handle stress. So if you handle stress in an unhealthy way, yeah that's not a good combination for you.
Speaker 1:For me, yeah. It triggers me, especially with his when he was trying to drink his problem the way I don't know. After I took him to me about a year after my divorce to really feel normal and happy and I went to counseling for me. I don't know how to get over this. I don't know how to get past like feeling like it was my fault. I couldn't figure out how to like not feel sad.
Speaker 2:Do you think this could be a generational curse in your family? Because I've only been around a year and this is not the first time I've heard of this happening to someone in your family, where the man just often leaves and he's done. I don't know. I mean, my parents are still together Because it happened to an aunt uncle, anyone.
Speaker 1:I mean my grandma was married three times so there wasn't really anybody in my family that ever gotten divorced. I mean my mom had a falling out with her parents. They pretty much disowned her. After, like I think I was in middle school. But no, I think part of my insecurity came from high school. My high school was very clicky and very materialistic. I was a jock, which there wasn't that many girl athletes back then. And if you're a really good girl athlete back then, girl, I was called like a lesbian, I was called ugly, I was called fat because I was muscular. So it was just a nightmare in high school of body image.
Speaker 2:Shaming, shaming yeah, which is sad high school is so hard yeah.
Speaker 1:I remember laughing so hard with my younger sister because she was like a freshman and I was a junior and we were in the weight room one day and these football players were in there and the one guy kept calling us lesbian lovers and I'm like, dude, you know, she's my sister, right, and we don't live in Kentucky or Alabama or whatever back roads city you want to describe, because you guys are together all the time. I go, yeah, because she's my fucking sister, you idiot. I'm like amateur boys.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know, for me body image, insecurities started in high school Him saying that stuff just triggered me, and Is she?
Speaker 2:going to deal with the root back then?
Speaker 1:No, yeah, I think for me it was just all about body image, feeling like I had failed, Because I'm like, oh my god, nobody else in my family has been divorced except for my grandma. But my grandma was kind of a little partier, maybe a little, you know, latest man. She flirted with all the guys in the nursing home. So God bless her. That night. Be something.
Speaker 2:Good for her. She knows a lot of things, right.
Speaker 1:Why not? She's got a roster. Yeah, and I think I was just really sad that I lost a lot of friends.
Speaker 2:Oh, I hated that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Such a hard transition yeah.
Speaker 1:I lost a lot of friends. I went from two incomes to like one income. So financially I had to figure things out. He made way more money than I did, so I had to figure out my financial shit. I had to figure out how to take care of a house, first house I ever lived in. I always lived in an apartment. Plus, you know, of course, every fucking thing broke after the divorce, like the dishwasher broke, the refrigerator broke.
Speaker 2:The air conditioner broke.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, replaced every freaking appliance there was in the house. So what money I did get from the divorce. It was all gone within, like God, the first year I lived there Because of that house. I hated that house. I couldn't wait to get out of that house. I had to. I stayed there for a couple more years, because it's supposed to be our starter house, of course, and we were going to remodel it. And he talked me into it and he didn't do a damn thing. The first two years he did nothing.
Speaker 2:I wonder if he was depressed from the guy call.
Speaker 1:He might have been, and I just didn't see it.
Speaker 2:And to be probably massed.
Speaker 1:Yes, that was my gut feeling afterwards. I don't know if it started before we got married. It might have started before we got married Because there was an incident and I don't know if I should air this out Because I don't think there's a lot of people that know, but there was an incident before we got engaged that I almost I literally was going to pack a bag and be like I'm going to go back to Indiana and live, and we worked through it and I stayed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it sounds like it was just happening before I think it could have started, or at least the build up of the stress of different things.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh. Well, just being married the first year is so hard. So and then, thank you for having kids, not having kids, you're pregnant.
Speaker 1:You're not pregnant. So I guess my lesson was it's really hard to watch somebody with depression. So you really have to take care of yourself at the same time, because you can only do so much for them, and then they have to take the reins and help themselves. You got to take care of yourself at the same time or you're just going to get burned out. Deciding to divorce was a really hard decision. I asked to go to couples counseling but he was like going to counseling for myself was hard enough. I couldn't add couples counseling onto it. Maybe that was something we could have done. Definitely, take care of yourself. And then I think in a divorce you can't blame yourself, because there's always two people, because you agreed to get married and build a life together and it takes two people to unbuild that. Don't blame yourselves. You're not the only one in that marriage. And then to me, after the divorce, don't jump in relationships. Just go heal and deal with your divorce. You can't deal with a divorce until your paperwork is signed.
Speaker 2:And then a year after that, like, really take a year. That is one of my regrets. Looking back, I wish I would have just been still, but I couldn't be, and I get it why people can't be.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I physically lacked. I mean, I just longed for physical comfort so badly because I hadn't had it in a year and a half.
Speaker 2:Well, that's the thing too. It's people think, oh my god, you're getting divorced. But really a marriage is dead prior to that, months prior, sometimes years and so times. It's fine, you're like, you feel like a free woman. You're like I'm ready, I need to be loved. But to the outside world it's like, whoa, you just the inks, not even dry.
Speaker 1:I remember my brother saying that to me the inks, not even dry now, and he being like I've been loved yeah. Oh, I literally went on a date maybe a couple months after our divorce and that guy he was a great guy and within our second or third date he was like, yeah, you're not ready. Good for him.
Speaker 2:And I was like what do you mean? I'm ready, that's some healthy dating. I'd love to hear that.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, I was like what do you mean?
Speaker 2:I'm not ready.
Speaker 1:Like my divorce was over. We haven't been together in a year and he's like I'm ready. You're a mess, yeah, and I was like so mad at that guy. But then I think I like talked to my sister and I the more I thought about it. Like a couple days later I was like oh yeah, that guy was right. It was just bad timing with that guy, that dude. So I was like yep, I probably shouldn't date for a while. I didn't. I think I waited like nine more months after that.
Speaker 2:Good for you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, got a new circle of friends.
Speaker 2:Rebuild your life, yeah. I remember two feeling very strange, like I felt like I lived two different lives.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, like pre and post divorce life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I will say this to the Alphapers that does fade away. Oh yeah, mine took, though, a good relief, maybe three years, and remember thinking I'm never going to feel like that same human being that I was for 16 years. But you do find her again. She does come back and you're like oh, I'm still here it's just different.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I say it, for me it was about a year Like just to get through feeling of the divorce and being sad and like I had a lot of other things going on, like the stress of the house and like my job at the time. So you do find yourself again and you actually find stuff that like new stuff. You're like, oh, I actually love like doing this stuff. And there was stuff I stopped doing. When I met my ex I was like why did I stop doing this? Because I really loved it.
Speaker 2:That was me with hunting. Yeah, that's why they. Why did I stop doing this? Such a fun fashion for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like I would hike all the time and kayak. We didn't do any of that. I mean, we voted, but that's not the same. But yeah, do any of that, because he wasn't into it. I'm like why?
Speaker 2:didn't. I just say Well, I think that's important Don't lose yourself in the marriage. No, don't lose yourself in any relationship.
Speaker 1:I think you could keep your passions. You have similar passions, but keep your own passions. You can do your own things. Have a healthy balance of things you do together and things that you do apart, cause I think that's what really keeps a relationship healthy.
Speaker 2:And things you do together. Yeah, it's gotta be close circle.
Speaker 1:And yeah, just communicating and speaking up when you're, when you feel like you're not being loved or appreciated in a healthy way, like healthy communication. Don't let things just sit. Don't sweep underneath the rug. No, don't hide it either.
Speaker 2:Don't keep secrets, mel I will come by Go there right now. It sucks.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was really angry at my ex that first year, but after a while, you know, I wish nothing but the best for him and hope he found his peace and happiness and I know eventually he did.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I hope so too. I'm glad that you both found your peace and happiness and you were able to forget. That's huge Yep. Is that you free.
Speaker 1:I forgave him Good, because I think that's you don't forgive people for them, you forgive people for yourself.
Speaker 2:So I'm proud of you for sharing your story and being vulnerable and showing us inside Jen's world and what made you you Thanks.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I learned a lot from my divorce and I pray you never have to go through it again Me neither. I don't wish anyone with mental health issues in their marriage. I don't wish that on anybody. And if you are struggling pression or any kind of mental health issue like, please go talk to somebody. You will feel so much better, Even if you're a virgin against therapy in the beginning. Tell the best friend, tell a mentor, tell somebody can't go it alone.
Speaker 2:And say love so much in the dark. What you keep in the dark just keeps building. You gotta let it out. Get it out to the sunlight, let it be exposed.
Speaker 1:That way you can know truth. We know fear is a liar.
Speaker 2:That is he's a son of a gun. All right, al Poppers, if you're going through divorce, let us know we're here, we can vent, we're ready to listen and we're sorry for your pain. So we'll be cautious and sensitive with you.
Speaker 1:You'll come out the other side, promise. Yeah, good night, good night. Thanks, al Poppers. This is Jen's story. It's beautiful, no-transcript.