Back to School 2024 -Pt 2-Positive Teacher/Parent Partnerships

In this episode, I continue our "Back to School" series, focusing on the all-important aspect of building positive parent-teacher relationships. Drawing on 20 years of experience, I share my "secret sauce" to fostering a productive partnership with parents. Whether you're a new teacher or a seasoned educator, these insights will set you up for a successful school year.

Key Takeaways for Teachers and Instructional Leaders:

🔑 Mindset Shift: Adopt a partnership mentality with parents. Remember, they want to feel seen, heard, and valued, just like their children.
🔑 Emotional Bank Account: Learn how to build trust and make deposits before expecting anything in return.
🔑 Effective Communication: Tips for clear, consistent, and considerate communication that shows you care.
🔑 The Power of Listening: Understand the importance of listening to parents' concerns and seeking to understand before responding.

👉 Feeling overwhelmed with parent interactions? Don't miss this episode! Please give it a listen and transform your approach to parent-teacher relationships. Remember, a positive start sets the stage for a successful school year!

To thrive in teaching WITHOUT sacrificing your personal life, visit www.gracestevens.com/elevate

Want to truly thrive in teaching without sacrificing your personal life? Check out the Elevated Teacher Experience here
Check out the best-selling Positive Mindset Habits for Teachers book here
And the #1 new release for educators Beat Teacher Burnout with Better Boundaries book here

Wanna get social?
https://www.tiktok.com/@gracestevensteacher
https://www.facebook.com/GraceStevensTeacher
https://www.Instagram.com/gracestevensteacher

Old school: Website : www.GraceStevens.com (courses, blog & freebies!)

Transcript

  Welcome back. This is the second part of our back to school series. All the things you need to get going with your school year with the most positive and productive start possible. And this one, we're tackling parent teacher relations. I have been blessed in my 20 years. I could count on less than one hand negative interactions I've had with parents and I have had wonderful relationships with them and um, I'm gonna give you the secret sauce that was at the bottom of all of it that I think you know that I'm big on setting boundaries.

I have make, um, parents need to have an appointment to meet with me. We're not doing conferences at the, at the gate. So all of that may seem that I'm not terribly approachable, but I'm going to tell you the secret sauce to all of it and how you can have productive relationships with parents. Nothing causes me more stress  than when a parent interaction isn't going well.

And I replay it in my mind and you know, all the things that dragged you down when you dread if you're getting a message from them. So, um,  I really think that find 15 minutes to listen to this episode. It will be so worth your time and I am excited to see you on the inside.  Welcome to the Balance Your Teacher Life podcast  where we talk all things avoiding educator burnout, setting healthy boundaries and achieving better work life balance. 

If you're passionate about education but tired of it consuming your whole life. You have found your home in the podcast universe. I'm your host, Grace Stevens, and let's get going with today's show. 

All right. It is back to school season, so you're very busy. I'm going to get straight into it. Okay. There's two main points here. One. Is something to remember. It's like a mindset shift, you know, we all about the mindset. And then the second thing is a metaphor that is transformative. That, like I say, is the secret sauce.

So for the first thing, what you really want, the mindset is you want a partnership mentality, right? Do you want a partnership mentality? I know that when that student is with you six, seven hours a day, it feels like you spend more time with them than their parent. But come on now, it is a parent, um, a partnership.

Okay. So you want to start with that mentality, not the mentality that you know better than them, um, or their mentality, hopefully isn't that they know better than you, but you're learning together what works best for their child, right? So here's the big mindset, mindset. Shift. Goodness, for as many times as I say that, you think I wouldn't, I wouldn't stumble over it.

But here we are. Alright, so the big mindset shift is that the parents are no different than the students and no different from us in what we actually want. We want to feel seen. We want to feel heard. We want to feel valued and validated, right? That's what students need. What students need from us, not in so many words.

We don't need to see the words, say the words. In fact, the words are empty unless we follow up with actions, but the vibe they need to feel from us is I see you, you matter. Okay, that's no different. That's what parents want. I see you. I hear you. Your concerns are valid. Maybe you don't think they are, but to them they are.

And you matter. Your opinion matters. Okay, so how are we gonna do that? Okay, so first off, I really, I promise you, you need to have that mindset.  I know parents can seem so, you know, micromanaging, picky, all the things. You just gotta like, take a step back. These are their babies. There is nothing more precious to a parent, hopefully, than their child.

Right. And they trust you with their child and their child's education and their child's emotional safety, physical safety. Right. So that's a big deal. It's a big responsibility we have and  understand. I always like to think that if a parent is seeming unreasonable, you know, what I try and understand what is the fear behind that, right?

It's usually a fear, some kind of fear behind that. What is the fear? Okay, the fear is that their kid isn't going to do well, is going to struggle, you know, all the things. It's their baby. Okay, so first off, don't take it personally. Okay, a lot of, I refer you right off to episode 10, if you haven't listened to it,  which was the paradigm shift I think we all need to make as educators, or what everybody needs to make for a more peaceful life, and that is assume the best intentions.

Assume that people are doing the best job they can. with the skills they have in the situation in which they find themselves. Okay, is it true that some parents have terrible parenting skills? Yes. Can you fix that? No. Is it your fault? No. Is it their fault? A lot of times. Also know,  maybe they have  had bad experiences being parented and they're just completing that cycle.

Now that's not to say that isn't their responsibility as an adult and as a parent to get some better skills. But that's not your job to tell them that they need that. Okay, so that's number one. Just have a partnership mentality. Remember it's their baby and assume the best intentions. They want to see, feel, they want to feel seen, heard, valued, validated.

Okay, so that's the first thing and the really, the one thing I can say about this, and then I'll get into the secret source, the metaphor, is really have the intention to listen. Now, I could also refer you back to episode nine, which was, um, really my, my love letter to Stephen Covey and, um, the seven, Habits of highly effective people.

That was the first personal development book I'd ever been introduced to. Blew my mind, blew my world. That was the only one you ever read. It would get you far enough. I promise you. But one of his big sevens was,  um, listen to understand, right? Seek to understand before you seek to be understood, right? And so that's about listening, listening to, listen to understand where a person is coming from.

Don't just listen, thinking, okay, what's my rebuttal? What am I going to say back? Right? Really listen. I'm going to give you one quick example.  Okay. I remember that I had, it was during distance teaching and out of third, not distance teaching. It was back like that hybrid thing, right? Where we had some kids on a, a bus.

B on a schedule, they came in Monday, Wednesday, and then other kids on a B schedule. They came in Tuesday, Thursday, right? And Friday was distance learning, catch up, do all that thing. Remember? Hopefully,  I don't know. When was that? It seems like it was forever ago. It was probably like 2021, 2022. Anyway. Oh my goodness.

Well, at that point, I had 32 kids. And at this particular time, 32 of them were out on independent study, they were either quarantined or had COVID. It was just crazy. And yet I was still expected to have these kids in class and have these two different schedules. And so basically the only way it was all getting managed was via Google Classroom.

All the assignments were in Google Classroom. And if you were on the A track, you followed the One specific Google classroom. If you're on the B track, you follow the other. And the intent was, is that I would teach the lesson, whatever you needed first on the days you were in school, and then you would do the work independently, right?

When you were at home. Well, the problem with that is it only worked if you were in class, right? If I had 22 out of 32 kids out, a lot of them never got the instructions. So what happened was it was  February. And of course that is black history month. And I.  You know, culturally responsive teaching all year round, all the things.

However, in February, we make an extra special effort, right, to do a lot of other activities. Um, I only had one African American child in my class that year and, um, she was out and I had made some assignments that I thought were  thoughtful. And I was just on my way to lunch and I had a meeting over lunch with another co worker and I was shocked to see I got a message on the parent communication app from, from her parent, who I did have a good relationship with, but she was, this assignment was, she just went off.

I can't even remember the words. It was inappropriate. It was culturally insensitive. It's everything that we shouldn't be doing. How could we have assigned such a, how could I have assigned such a thing? And to, you know, kind of reiterate cultural, social, um, stereotypes. I mean, it was really, and I was shocked.

Like I thought it was a very thoughtful lesson. So anyway, I showed it to my, um, coworker as we were going into a meeting and she said, Oh my gosh, you need to email her back and explain to her. And she listed all the things, why this was a good lesson and la la la la la. And I said, Oh my gosh, I don't need to do that.

And she said, what do you mean you don't need to tell her anything? I said, I need to listen. I said, obviously I've missed the mark. Like I'm mortified that I've given some offense. I need to understand where she's coming from. I'm not an African American woman. Obviously I missed something. What am I missing?

I need to understand what was upsetting about this assignment. So I sent her a quick dojo saying, you know, You know what? I, this is so important to me. I really want to understand where you're coming from and I, I want to schedule the appropriate time to talk about it. I have a meeting right now, please.

Can we talk after school?  Okay. So. Sent the message. I think I said it more articulately than that, but anyway, went into the meeting, but I was still so shocked that a co worker said, you need to tell her this, you need to tell her that. And I'm thinking, Oh, wow. I'm not telling anybody anything like I need to listen and understand.

So anyway, by the time the end of the day came. Um, she had already sent me a message. Oh, I went and looked at the instructions. Um, what my daughter had told me wasn't correct. This is a good exercise. So sorry, I hit the trigger. You know, very nice. So it was a misunderstanding. But can you imagine if I, she was all hot.

Right. She was hot and heated, you know, probably, but I don't know. She explained to me after that she'd had some negative experiences in school and she felt bad that her daughter was the only, you know, African American child in my class, you know, whatever, none of that I can control, but she was hot when she sent that.

Now, if I was also shocked and reactionary and texted her right back or called her right back, like you can imagine that that interaction might not have gone so well, right. We were both really emotionally charged. And so, um,  just a reminder. Seek to understand, oh my goodness, what is it that makes you feel that way?

This was not my intent. Help me understand where I've missed the mark. Help me understand why you feel that way, right? You're not invalidating people saying you shouldn't feel that way. What you're saying is help me understand why you feel that way. Okay. So that's the first thing people want to be seen.

They want to be heard. Okay. Here's the metaphor. Here's the secret sauce. And then we're going to get into the nitty gritty of how you do it. And you might be aware of this metaphor. Now, I do not believe relationships should be transactional. I do this for you. You do this for me, right? That's not what I'm talking about at all, but here's a metaphor to help you with your relationships.

All of them. Not just with parents, right, all your relationships. You got to think of a relationship that you need to, obviously the foundation of a relationship is trust and safety. Okay, how do you build trust in a relationship? You got to think of it like an emotional bank account. Okay, you know what a bank account is?

You got to make deposits and you got to make withdrawals. You cannot withdraw. more out of the bank than you have put in. Well, you can, but  it's not a good practice. It doesn't lead to safety and trust. Okay. So you got to think in terms of, I can't make any withdrawals from these parents. And those withdrawals might be asking for supplies, um, asking to be signing all kinds of paperwork that parents find annoying, that they feel like they signed last year, why do I need to sign it again?

Or, woe betide, the first time they hear from you is when you're calling home to enlist their help because there's a student issue. And some of us, I know, do not call home to enlist help. We call home to complain and tell on the kids. So that is the biggest withdrawal you can make. You got to make some deposits first.

Okay. So think about that. An emotional bank account is just this metaphor, the amount that really describes the amount of trust that has been built in. A relationship. Okay, I'm going to say it again.  An emotional bank account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that has been built in a relationship.

How safe you feel with a person. You gotta make deposits before you can make withdrawals. So now, now that you've got that idea, let me tell you the easiest, you Ways to make deposits with parents. Okay, we're going to start before school even starts. Now, I've got to tell you, optics matter.  Okay, you know I'm not big on social media, I'm not talking about that.

Nobody needs to see Pinterest worthy classrooms posted all over social media. When I say optics matter, how you're perceived, how it looks matters. The only  thing that you really need to do, it doesn't matter what the theme in your classroom is, right? Enough with the classroom decor. I mean, if it brings you joy.

Three episodes back I did that. If it brings you joy, do it. But don't convince yourself that it improves student learning. It doesn't. So don't feel compelled to do it. Here's the optics that matter. From a parent's point of view, the two things that matter and you make these deposits before school even starts is that you look organized and that you look interested. 

That is it. Look organized and look interested in their child, in all their children's, okay? In all their children, right? You're gonna really listen. Okay, we covered that. How are you gonna? work on these optics that you're organized and interested. Okay. Here are some ideas. Okay. First off,  again, it starts before school even starts.

So I taught elementary school. I know it isn't the same in other schools, um, for other grades. Okay. But we used to get this class list and when the class list was posted, and I mean, back in the day, physically posted on the front of the school at, you know,  Four o'clock, the Friday before school started, there would be a list, a class list, right, and the parents would drive up and look at it.

And we'd really just got our list, maybe even just the day before,  to make our labels and do all those things. And I know that the school district didn't want that. parents to have time to complain or make requests to change their kids around. That's why they did it so late. And we were also mandated to leave school.

Do not be in your classroom. They will come to your classroom and try and engage with you. Good. I don't care. I would stay. Come to my room. Your kid's nervous. I used to teach first grade. Students are nervous about school. Let them look at the room. Let them see their name tag. Let them be excited. Let them look at their desk, right?

For me to spend half an hour the Friday before school is in making kids feel at home, welcome, and making their parents feel that way, um, also was a huge deposit. Okay, so how do we do this, you know, in the modern day?  Okay, I used to send emails to all the parents just welcoming, you know, excited to have your student.

Here's a little bit about me, right, before they even get there. Now, we know that parents don't typically use emails anymore. So a really easy thing to do is if you have a classroom communication app, I always use ClassDojo. There are many that are on your phone, you know, We're all addicted to our devices, so number one, it makes it really easy to record, send messages, group text, all those things, and a parent is way more likely to look at it because it's on their phone, they get notification.

So before school started, when I got my list, I would transfer all the students, I would all get them into ClassDojo beforehand, because luckily by that time I was teaching fourth grade, they'd already been in second, third, most of them, unless they were new students. Their parents were already in there.

Otherwise, I would send out an email immediately to get parents onto the parent communication app. And then what I could do is, you know, the last year I had a galaxy theme in my room, and I just did a tour of the classroom. Hey, your child watches video with your child. They're going to be in my room. This is what the room looks like.

Here's the name tags. Here's just whatever they can expect the first week. Here's a little bit about me. Just be friendly. Open. Open.  Okay, so before school starts, let students know a little bit about you and parents know a little bit about you. Parents are always very curious about my accent. Um,  but you know, they want to know that you've taught before.

Hopefully you have. If you haven't, then you know, you're going to have to say other things about yourself. But mostly, you know, I've never forget when a parent never showed up to, you know, back to school night or wherever, and they were very defensive to me. And her first question is, have you even taught before? 

Like, yeah, I taught for 16 years before I came to this school. Your child is in good hands. Okay, you're in good hands. Okay, again, come back to, gosh, what is their fear behind that? They're afraid that the teacher isn't qualified. They've been, you know, burned in the past, like you can't take it personally.

Okay, so you can send, let's say you're teaching, you know, middle school or high school and you have different, you know, up to 200 students, then send an email. Okay. Um, I would suggest in your class communication app that you set up different classes on there. Does it take a bit of time? Yes, but it will save you time in the long run, but however you want to do it, make sure you send a note, okay, welcome him beforehand, professionally introduce yourself, let them know that you're, you know, excited to have their child in your room.

Okay, so that's the first thing before you even start. Okay, then once school gets rolling, you know, communicate consistently, right? Let people know what your communication plan is, what to expect,  right? And Give them hours, seem available. Now, I've done a lot of episodes on setting boundaries with parents, um, and how we should not be having conferences at the gate when we're, you know, when we have lower grades.

And mostly, parents should have an appointment to meet with us so that we have time. They just don't understand that when school's out, we have other responsibilities, most of us. We're not just sitting there, you know, hanging out in our room waiting to meet with parents. We have other things that  we are obligated. 

So we want to have the time to spend with them, but let them know, like I always made myself available one day a week, um, until late, like Wednesday was my stay late day. And so if a parent, you know, now we can meet over zoom. It's a lot easier. Before I used to have to wait for a parent to get off work to come see me.

Um, now we can meet over zoom, but it's still nice to have just one late night a week. that you can let people know, yeah, I'm here. Um, Wednesdays, usually I stay until six. If you, you know, let's make an appointment. And that was like my big lesson planning day and everything else. Okay. So  make an effort to be available, even if it is just by Zoom.

So that's a big deposit right there is regularly, Communicating. Again, I recommend a classroom communication app, talked about that a lot before. Parents tend to not, you know, I remember back in the day we would make a class website. Oh my gosh, how many hours I spent making a class website, newsletter, all those things.

Nobody was paying attention. The newsletter was crushed in the bottom of the bag. Nobody ever looked at the website. Now with the classroom communication app, it will give a notification. on their phone. People just glued to those things. Okay. So, um, very good strategy there. Okay. So that's about making deposits, right?

Try and make as many deposits as you can. All right. Let's say it's the beginning of the year and some parents are so wonderful and they send in supplies, snap a quick photo of the supplies with the kid standing next to it and send it to them on the classroom communication app saying, thanks. This will really come in handy.

Right? A lot of times, especially with littles, like, did you give the stuff to the teacher? Did they get it? Do we know? Right? It takes you 10 seconds to snap a photo and send a thank you. Okay? So keep thinking of those deposits. But the whole thing behind the deposits, obviously we want to gain trust. We're not trying to manipulate people, but it is a question of optics, that we are organized and that we are Interested.

Okay, now the time is going to come when you're going to have to make some withdrawals.  Okay, that's just, oh, here's the one big thing I forgot to tell you. Yes, you need to. Positive notes home. That was always a big thing. I would print out my class list and I would keep a, um, a running checklist of how many positive notes home I'd sent.

Now, part of the problem was, you know, you, I would always think to send positive notes home to the students who were struggling. Or who, you know, had behavior concerns, whatever. And so I would make a big effort to send home a nice note if they were having, you know, a good day or they were making progress.

Those poor kids who were just like compliant and on track. I used to worry that they'd get left behind. So I did have like a system for tracking to make sure everybody got a positive note home. Yes, that used to take time. Then I used to do five phone calls a week and rotate through the class. Okay, also takes time.

Now. Again, with the parent communication app, you just write the positive text once and then you copy and paste, send it to five people a day, make a spreadsheet, make sure you have some way of tracking that you have made a deposit. Something nice about their student. You can always find something nice to say about a student.

And if you can't, honest to goodness, you're not listening to this podcast. I'm sure you are, you, you, you, you're  this, you have not felt a kind of kindred spirit in me if you are somebody who, if I have to tell you nice things to say about a student, I trust you got that part.  But the time is going to come where you're going to have to make some phone calls home or send some messages.

So here's just my brief, you know, few tips about that. First off, just always start with one. Again, assume the best intentions. Okay. Assume the parent doesn't know. I like to say no surprises. Nobody should wait for a phone call from you, or Or a parent teacher conference, whatever, to find out their child had, you know, six tardies.

Maybe, you know, if they're responsible for getting themselves to school, maybe the parent didn't know they were tardy. What are they doing? Um, that they have, you know, 20 missing assignments and that they're failing. Okay, we need to intervene before that. I'm sure there is a process. I'm sure you get very frustrated.

As did I, that there is a way for parents to check their students grades and, um, you know, they'll micromanage us the minute a grade is not in that, you know, Aries or whatever your grade management system is. The minute that isn't in, you know, they're all over it, but their child could have 10 missing assignments and they're claiming they had no idea.

Okay, so assume the best intentions, right? Don't take things personally, but always start with a plan. I care about your child's success. Okay. Remember, this is a partnership mentality. You don't have to send, have everything in common with the parent at all. You may not care for their politics. You may not care for some of their hobbies.

I used to have a lot of parents in the demographic where I taught were very big into hunting. Oh my gosh, those kids would bring in their, you know, star of the week poster when they were six, hold, you know, full camo holding dead animals in each hand. I mean, that is not how I roll at all.  But the only thing we needed to have in common  was that we wanted the best for their children.

Okay. That's the only thing you need to have in common and you need to remind them of that. When you're calling a first, remind the parent that their baby is safe. Okay. Hello, this is Ms. Demons calling from. Blah, blah, blah school. First off. They're fine. Frank is fine. I'm calling because I really care about his success.

Okay, so start with that the child is fine, they're safe, and you really care about their success. And then tell them what the issue is, right? And request, ask them, have you seen this kind of thing at home? What works at home, right? Try and make them be the expert, right? And then if not, you know, how let's, let's set up a meeting.

Let's talk about how we think we can work together to resolve this. Now this is probably, you know, for another episode, cause I'm trying to keep this short and actionable, but you know,  It takes three  to make a child have a student.  It's like a triangle. I always tell them it's the partnership triangle. It takes me as the educator, it takes the student, and it takes the parent.

So how are we going to work together to ensure that this gets done? Okay? Alright, so no surprises. Start with the fact that the student is safe and I care about his safety. Success. Okay. And I always like to make a request. If I'm not making a request of a parent, it seems like I'm just calling to complain.

So the request can be, I'm going to ask you to do two things. First, I want you to let Frank know that I called, because probably I told the child, I'm going to call your mom. And they want to make sure that I follow up, right? Let them know I called. And two, you know, think of something that practical that they can  do, that you're making a request, not that you're just calling to complain.

Okay. All right. That is it. Listen again, in all my years of teaching, I was very blessed, um, with very positive parent relationships. Did I set boundaries? Yes. You could not meet me without an appointment for the most part. I mean, if it was an emergency, go to the office. That's what's the most important. I would not accept social media requests from parents.

Um, you know, they're not friends. We need to maintain a professional, professional partnership. Okay. So, but they were always for the most part, very positive. I had. Parents do wonderful things for my students and for me, and I really enjoyed them. Um, and I think that if you adopt this emotional bank account kind of idea, again, in all your relationships with your coworkers, with your partner, you know, when things are getting a little testy at home, sometimes you've got to think, I mean, there is a balance, there's an ebb and flow in relationships, but you know, when my partner's getting testy with me, sometimes I have to think like, oof,  Have I made a lot of withdrawals recently without making any deposits, right?

That's when resentment starts to build up.  Okay, I believe in you. Remember, the only optics you need to worry about are organized and interested, and I know you have those. Okay, so next week, part three in our Back to School series, all the things we need to have a successful Back to School. I believe in you.

I am excited that you are taking time for yourself and your students to listen to this type of content. It would mean the world to me.  The world to me. If you could refer this podcast to a colleague, um, and let them have all these helpful mindsets too. And until next time, create your own path and bring your own sunshine.