Just remember that when you take care of your child, you're a mom first. Yes. So when I get in my car, I am not Dr. Head, I am Yameika. When I get in my car and go home, go to the grocery store, I am mom, all that medicine is gone. So when you're taking care of your child, I'm not looking to diagnose her. I'm just trying to feed her, change diapers and do all that.
Welcome to Special Needs Moms, Circle of Strength podcast. I am here today with Dr. Yameika Head, who is a board-certified pediatrician, specializing in child abuse pediatrics and a renowned professor of clinical pediatrics.
With over 15 years of experience in pediatric care that encompasses trauma, Yameika is known for her dedication in providing compassionate and personalized care for her patients and their families. She is recognized for her expertise in child abuse, early childhood care, adolescent medicine, obesity care, parenting and diversity, equity and inclusion.
Due to her experience in having a deaf child, Yameika has also offered parenting coaching as a mission to help her families with children with unexpected diagnosis outside of the clinical space. So this is something that she does on the side because she has a heart for mission. Welcome Yameika.
Hello, hello.
Thank you, thank you for inviting me to come and talk and chat. Chat it up.
Yes, you are so very welcome. I'm so glad that you're here and I know our audience is going to love you. So I always ask all my guests, what's one unique thing about you that you'd like to share with our audience?
I think the one thing that I always tell people, you know, like whenever you're in a crowd, tell me something about you. So me and my mom have the same birthday. My husband and my dad have the same birthday. My child was born on St. Patty's Day and green was my favorite color. So boom.
Well, that's a few things. Well, how cool is that? That's pretty unique.
So, Dr. Yameika, tell me a little bit about your special needs mom journey.
All right. Well, my special needs mom's journey was unexpected. So, you do know, as us being parents, we always have what we think our child's journey is going to be like. So, we have everything planned out as far as what schools, what everything. And so during my journey with my child, and her name is Joy, is that we found out unexpectedly that she could not hear. So initially she failed her hearing test the first time. Then we brought her back the second time. And she did not pass that second time. And then we took, we had to take her to an actual audiologist at that that time she passed. But we did notice with her growing up, you know, getting a little older that things were changing. So there was always the story about the time she came to like my job. And of course, you know, it's Dr. Head's daughter. So, everybody's like, “Hey Joy, Hey Joy.” And she would just walk right past them. And so I was like, well, that's kind of weird. But you know, when she notices the people, you know, she's interactive, she's all in their face, my child is a social butterfly. But the thing is, you know, I was thinking maybe she was, maybe some autism, but then she didn't have all the, like the different features.
And so because I'm a pediatrician, I had her go to one of our developmental and behavioural pediatricians, Dr. Elizabeth Young, who was the one who did a whole assessment on her. And so, you know, Joy did well, but she was the one who was like Yameika, I think she can’t hear, which was weird because she had passed her hearing screens. And then of course you look at me, she is an African American child. So, you know, she has can dance and she'll be on beat. That just did not make sense. So, at that time is when we got a referral again to get her hearing re-tested. And that's when we found out that she had severe deafness at that time. And so that is how we went on the whole journey of just having a child that had an unexpected diagnosis. And this is why I do the work that I do helping families through that.
Wow. That sounds like a lot. I am just processing that you, as a pediatrician, you have your child, they tell you nothing's wrong. And then down the road, you find out that there is. So how did that make you feel?
So for me, it was a lot of shock, because this is not what we were thinking, even though, you know, my colleague kind of told us, but we're just like, it didn't make, you know, any sense. In that time, you know, you do not want to accept what that diagnosis is. And in order to move forward, that is one thing that you would have to do. So, in the beginning, yes, it was all this shock, the, you know, the fears, the anger, the, you know, just disappointment and finding out that your life is going to be different than what you had imagined.
Ooh, that's a lot to take in, Dr. Yameika, a lot to take in. So, you shared that you had quite a few different emotions. I can only appreciate, you know, you mentioned the shock and then, possibly denial, that how did I miss that? What was I thinking? So it was unexpected. So can you share with us a little bit about whether you experienced mom guilt?
So I did. So, my child came out, you know, a month early. And so when I was going through everything and I was thinking about, you know, was it something that I did? Should I have not went to work that day? Should I have rested better? Should I have not went to see that child with that virus? Maybe that was something that I picked up from another kid. So, all that guilt. And so, I would keep that inside, cos, I didn't want people to know that I was dealing with all those feelings. And the other thing is being a pediatrician, and I do this all the time. Like, people come to me to diagnose their children. And for me to miss that, and especially when, you know, I'm Dr. Head, you know, that is just a lot, just a lot. And so with a lot of therapy, therapy is good, is how I was able to help to process all those emotions that I had in the beginning.
And I'm just thinking, Dr. Head, that this probably took some time. Like this wasn't something that happened overnight, right?
Yes. So lots of times, just processing those feelings, knowing. And then I didn't know that that was normal. I just thought that was just me. And being in the medical field, you know, we are not taught about our emotions, we don't handle those emotions, because we're literally taught to not have any emotions. So it was very difficult for me during that time. Just with all that.
So you've mentioned to me earlier about den of despair. And I can appreciate that probably most of us have been there. You know, the fact that you were supposed to have picked up on this, you are a pediatrician, as you just mentioned, you diagnose these children all the time, with various disabilities or challenges, whatever it may be. So, you know, dealing with this mom guilt, I can see a person can spiral into that den of despair. So, how do you get out of that?
So the main thing is realizing that the feelings that you're going through is normal. Cos, like I just said before, I didn't think that it was normal. But those feelings are normal. The next step is accepting what your child has. Because it's the only way you're going to be able to move forward is just to accept, this is what my new normal is going to be.
Yeah.
And then making that choice that we have got to move forward because you can't help your child, you can't be there for your child, you can't do what you need to do, if you are sunk in this, woe is me, nobody understands, I don't know what to do. You have got to accept it, move forward, believe it, and say, look, this is what our new normal is. This is how we're going to move forward. And once you do that, you will get out of it. You will start looking for your people, your village, you know, there are so many resources out there, so many organizations that you can reach out to. But if you are in that, what we call the den of despair, you will never be able to get out there and get the help that you need. So, that den of despair is something else. I tell you that.
I can believe that many of us have been there. But I love the fact that, you know, there's resources, there's help to get out. I think being aware and recognizing that you're in, and that understanding and accepting the situation and accepting that there's help. And it's okay to get help.
Yes, yes. That is one mistake. I've made many, but that is one mistake that I can truly say I had. I had a wonderful support system. I had a best friend, I had family. And I wish, if I could do things over, that I would have reached out to them and let them know about how I was feeling and how I needed their support to be there for me, because I handled that burden, I felt by myself, but that was my choice. Even my husband didn't know because, you know, on the outside, I had it together. But on the inside, late at night, when I'm in my, I call it my closet, my prayer closet is when I'm crying and, you know, calling out to the Lord to help me do for my child.
Loss is usually the thing that you have. So, all those emotions are normal and everybody has a myriad of those. And we kind of talked about that guilt too, because it is some guilt that, what could I have done to prevent this from happening? And that's one thing that we have to change our perspective is because so it’s not that we are not that important, but we don't have that power to control anything that happens in our lives. So why do we think that we could have done something to have prevented our child from being what they are? And then I've always said that, I come from this, and I'm spiritual, and I feel that the Lord gave me this special child, because I can take care of this special child. I have all the tools I need to make sure this child is healthy and is wonderful. He chose me and how special is that? How special is that? So that is the way I have to take this. I'm like, everybody else can have normal kid. I got this special, wonderful deaf daughter. And how cool is that? How cool is that?
Well, I love your perspective. I can only imagine that took a little time to reframe that because going through the den of despair for some people can take quite a while.
Yeah.
I know for myself, I was in a den of despair. My husband and I are both healthcare workers. So we had both been in the intensive care unit working with patients. I'm a physiotherapist. My husband is a nurse. And we've seen people on ventilators, come off ventilators. So it wasn't really a huge surprise to us to see our daughter, our oldest, on a ventilator. And so I think dealing with the den of despair kind of came a little bit later for me. And then when it started to come, I don't know if there's anybody else out there that can relate to me, I just pushed it aside, cos I didn't have time. I was too busy just doing life and caring for my child. So it wasn't until later, much, much later that I actually, as you mentioned earlier, realized that I needed to grieve. I needed to grieve the child that I didn't have, that I thought I was gonna have. And even though we have embraced Melody-Anne and there's been so much good come from her life.
Right,
There was a process that I needed to go through and that was dealing with the grief.
Right. And it's good that you dealt with the grief because even with some of my clients, that's the work we do the most on, is that acceptance, that grief, that even believing that this is what life is and this is what your child has. So even just accepting that is a major thing that we have to work on. So, kudos to you for even dealing with your feelings cause it took me a while, I'll tell you, to even be like, you have a feeling girl, like that’s sadness. And I'm like, what is that? What am I feeling? Yes.
Yes. I think I love that, just sitting and reflecting and identifying what those feelings are and acknowledging them, cos that's the only way we're going to be able to deal with them. And I just wanna go back to the emotions part, you being a physician and being taught, I hadn't realized this, but it makes sense now that you say it, that you're taught to keep your emotions and your feelings in check. Because, especially in the pediatric world, you are dealing with a lot of, “hey, I just need to let you know that something's not quite, you know, as it could be.” And so, and to be able to do that delicately. I remember when Melody Anne, my oldest was born and we were in the intensive care unit and a couple, they were, it seemed a mature couple being told that their child had Down syndrome. And she was just, don't ask me how I understood what was going on because I know this was supposed to be a private conversation, but I just remember her just being shattered. And I know for myself, I think because I had worked in the intensive care unit, it's like, oh, well, you know, Melody Anne's going to be fine. We'll just get her through. And, you know, when we realized that she had CP, cerebral palsy, it's like, okay, well, there's therapy. We can work with her. It might not be that bad. There's mild to moderate to severe. We weren't sure where she was going to be. And so, yeah, it's a lot to take on that responsibility of sharing earth-shattering news to parents. And we were first-time parents. I don't know about this as a couple, but we were first-time parents and it was, wow. It was a lot to take in.
So a lot of my work had to be just realizing that, yes, I have feelings because for, I can say for the past couple of years, I just would just, hold it all in and just go. Now, there would be times late at night where, you know, I would go, I have a closet where all my things are and I'll go in there and I get in the corner and I'll cry and all that. But it's just, if you were to ask me what that was, I don't think I could recognize those feelings. So a lot of work and therapy really got me to being able to acknowledge that. And then just also in our community, so African-American community, you know, we are, especially strong black women, we are taught that we always got to hold it down. So, we don't have time to do all that crying because we got to handle this and take care of this and all that, so that just that added pressure. Like I said, none of my colleagues knew anything that I was going through with Joy. Cos they, you know, I just would tell them, oh she's fine, she's going to therapy, she's doing this and that. And they were like, I would have never known that you were devastated by anything, because I didn't talk about it or I didn't show it. I wasn't crying at work, I can't do that, you know.
Yeah, I hear you, I hear you. I'm from a Caribbean background. My parents were, my father's passed, my mother's still living, Jamaican. And I hear you with the strong black woman and not that you can't have emotion, but as a strong black woman, this is what I was raised with. And this actually just came to me not too long ago, I'm just going to say, probably over the last couple of years, what was modelled to me was what I was living because strong black women get on with what needs to be got on with, you don't have time to sit and cry and, you know, whine and wallow and carry on. Things need to be done, so you get on and do it. And that's how I've lived my life. So it's only over probably the last year or so that I recognize that and be like, whoa. So, as you're saying, just being able to acknowledge those feelings and be able to express them. Right.
Strong black women, you gotta be careful who you're expressing to because we got this facade to keep up, right?
Right. And it really hurt my feelings when my husband told me he's only seen me cry twice and we’ve been married 15 years.
Congratulations
Only twice, I'm like, really? So I just asked him, I was like, how many times have you been like – twice? He's like, our wedding day and when I had Joy. But other than that, never, he's never. That's sad.
Right, and interesting that you're bringing up being able to express emotion in front of our loved ones. And that's something that I've had to learn to do with my youngest child, who is now 19. And they have ADHD, which was diagnosed probably around grade five, end of grade five, into going into grade six. And then two years ago, we got the diagnosis of high functioning autism as well. That guilt thing, coming back to me now, because like, how do we miss it? How did we miss it? I don't know, but we did. Anyway, but just being vulnerable in front of my child, this was hard, being a strong black woman, coming from a Caribbean background, you just didn't do that. So that's something that I've had to learn to do because I needed to reach my child and I needed my child to see that I am human because I come across as having it all together. And I just needed to be human around my child.
Right, right.
That's the thing. And one thing that even my therapist says that for my daughter to be healthier, is that she needs to see me cry. She needs to see me upset. She needs to see me sad. She needs to see me when I'm happy, well, she sees me happy all the time. But love, like emotion, she's like, you have to show her that and that's gonna make her better. And I'm like, I don't want that same thing with my child. So, if there's anything that I would, if I'm planning to change, it would be, that it's okay when you're crying and you're upset and you're disappointed. It's okay.
It's so, yeah, absolutely. It's okay to show that and to share that. And it's also just as important to show them strategies how we move through it.
Yes.
Because as you said earlier, we gotta be modelling to our children typical, non-typical, neurodivergent, non-neurodivergent, whatever the case may be, all children need to understand and know what emotions are and how best to handle them and give them the tools to do so.
Right, absolutely. And I wanted to piggyback something that you had said in what I had to realize too, to help with my mom guilt as being a healthcare provider. So any healthcare providers out there in order to get out that, just remember that when you take care of your child, you're a mom first.
Yes.
So when I get in my car, I am not Dr. Head, I am Yameika. When I get in my car and go home, go to the grocery store, I am, all that medicine is gone. So when you're taking care of your child, I'm not looking to diagnose her. I'm just trying to feed her, change diapers and do all that. So for me to get over that, I have to say, I am in mom mode all the time and I'm not the Dr. Head all the time. That has helped me a lot when it's been some stuff and I'm like, oh my God, why didn't I? Cos I was a mom. My job is turned off.
Exactly, exactly, love that. And I hear you with that, as I said, I’m a physical therapist or physiotherapist, depending on where you are. I had to say to the health professionals when we were dealing with my children, I'm a mom. Treat me like I know nothing.
Right.
As far as the healthcare piece goes. So yes, absolutely. So I love that you brought that up because that's our job when we're with our children. First and foremost, we are a mom and they need to understand that, that we've switched off the job and that we need to be more present. And that's something for me that I've had to learn to be more intentional about is being present with my children, being present with my husband. Because often, especially if you're an A-type personality like myself, I'm already thinking about the next thing that I need to be doing. So I need to be making sure that I'm present in the moment and enjoying the moment. Cos we don't know how many moments we have, right? So the one that we're in, let's enjoy it.
Cherish it, cherish it.
Absolutely, absolutely.
And so Yameika, I'm excited to hear a little bit more about what you're doing to help other parents.
I've always felt that I'm on this earth to help people. Like that is why I am here. And when you go through certain things, I always feel it's a lesson. And it's a lesson that you can teach and help someone else. So all the struggling that I did, if I can help another family to not go through all the struggling and all of that, I want to help somebody. Because I can tell you, that journey was terrible. It was terrible. And I didn't have anybody. Well, I had friends, you know, but I didn't talk to them about it. But I felt I didn't have anybody that would understand everything that I went through. And that's why I didn't tell anybody. But I want your your listeners to know that there are people that understand, have been through it, and can actually help you to go through that journey and be able to tackle and handle anything that comes your way. And so that is why I went and started doing parent coaching. So, my other business is a parent coaching business where I help parents that have a child that's had an unexpected diagnosis. And that could be anything. So when you have this child and everything looks good, and then all of a sudden the doctor's like, "Bam, your child has this." And you're like, "Whoa”, I'm the one that's like, "Hey, let me help you to work through all that." Because I've been there. I get it. All the feels, all the stuffs, I get that. So that is why I had made that my mission on this second journey of life, because I'm getting older, to help.
I like to say that we're maturing.
Getting more seasoned. In my seasoned later life. That is what I want to do and help parents, because I get it. I've been there. I've seen it. I know I can feel it. Whenever I see parents who you know, get on social media and talk about their experiences, it just sucks me right there. So I just like, "Girl, I get it. "I get it. I understand all of that, but let me help you to do what's best for your child and help you with that."
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I love that. It's so important to be able to reach out for help, because at the end of the day, nobody has to do this alone, right? Community is so important to help us through, because it is a heavy load. Parenting period is a heavy load, and then add an unexpected diagnosis, or in our case with Melody Anne, we knew we were going to be having issues when she was born. And I remember when she was born and we had our nephew, who would be about the same age as our youngest child. So when he was born, I remember thinking, "Wow, would it be better to know upfront that you're going to be dealing with disabilities, or would it be better to know later?" Okay, I just couldn't kind of get the concept of how that would feel, but then I got to do it, because my youngest child was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of whatever you are at grade five. I went to school in England, so I always forget what it is when you're in grade five in North America, but around about grade five, that's when they were diagnosed with ADHD.
Age 10/11
Yes. And we got the diagnosis of autism, high functioning autism two years ago when they were 17. And I’ve got to say, knowing at birth or finding out later, I'm gonna tell you, equally are as devastating.
Yes, yes.
You don't know what to feel, what to expect, and all of its unexpected, because like you, when we had Melody Anne, it was like, a beautiful pregnancy. At the end of the pregnancy, bam, that's when everything went to hell in a hand basket, one could say. And then with our youngest, what happened was all our dreams and hopes for our oldest Melody-Anne, and then shifted to our youngest. And now the aftermath, as we are dealing with the longer that they are living, the more we're seeing the disability, and it's been a journey, it's been a journey. And I think it's one of those journeys that will be forever needing work, right?
Right. If you ever do therapy and you're over it and you're good.
No.
I'm learning that it's always, there's gonna be something that I need to work through, something that I need to accept.
Right. And then just the fear of the future. So like for me, I've never been around deaf people. So I didn't know like, what happens? What do you do? Where do you go? Like, how is that life? So just that fear of like, I don't know about this. So having to deal with that, but then just learning, how about we just deal with what we have right now, and just live in the moments, and just it so happens with Joy's journey is that, everything always worked out. So the things that I worried about, like it worked out. So things that I'm like, okay, I never, so I remember talking with my sister and she was, she said one of her regrets when she heard about umm Joy was that she would never ever be able to take her to the movies. And that would have been their like, auntie, me, niece thing. Yeah. And we would think that would never happen. But we go to the movie, I mean, we go to the movies, we watch movies. So all that thing, yes, it's different because she has the captions and her cochlear that she has hooks up to, Bluetooth, so she hears all that now, but we would have never have, we worried about that and look, it just, it's happening.
Yes, how much time and effort do we spend on worrying needlessly, needlessly? Oh, another podcast episode for another time.
That's the two-hour talk. There's a whole two hour talk right there. Yes.
So Yameika, where can our audience go to find out more about you?
Okay, so I am on social media. So you can find me on Instagram, on Facebook and TikTok. And I usually do a weekly Head talk, it's like a five minute things when I get inspired by something and just talk about, you know, a patient or experience I had and what I used or did to overcome that. And I do that on Facebook and everywhere. So you can find me at headdixonyameika and just, you can DM me if you're interested or you're like, "Hey, you know, Dr. Head, "I didn't understand nothing you were talking about "or I don't believe you," or, uh-uh, just reach out and we can talk and see what I can do to help you.
Thank you, thank you. So I will have Dr. Yameika's contact information in the show notes. So do check the show notes and take her up on her offer. She has much to share. And as you can already guess, she has a massive heart to share and she wants to help. So Yameika, before we conclude our conversation today, I'd love to hear some words of encouragement from you to other moms and parents who are raising kids with disabilities. What message would you like to share with them?
So just know, I truly, truly believe that you, you as a parent are special, that there is something in you that is the reason why you have the child that you have, that you are a lot stronger than what you think, that you do know what to do, you do have it together, and that anything that you worry about, it's gonna be taken care of. It's a weird thing that everything just kind of works out. I would say it's just like the Bible story, there's always a ram in the bush. There's always a ram in the bush. So just hang in there, this journey, it's gonna be difficult, but it's a wonderful journey. And you're gonna learn so much about yourself, you're gonna grow because of your experience, and that you are an awesome parent. Never forget that, it's just everything.
All right, and I would echo those sentiments. You are awesome and you're doing an amazing job and just keep doing what you're doing because you are making a difference. You are making a difference. And we don't know who's watching. So keep doing what you're doing, know you're amazing, know that you're loved and you're doing your best and your kids are benefiting.
Yes, absolutely.
Dr. Yameika, thank you so much for being here with us today. We have enjoyed having you and getting to know you a little bit more and thank you for sharing your heart. We really appreciate it.
Thank you, thank you. It's an honor to be here, thank you all.
All right, remember audience, Live with Intention - Embrace the Journey.
One more thing, if you're listening to this on Buzzsprout, my podcast host, then check out the new fan mail feature and make sure that you send me a text. Ask me a question. Let me know what you're thinking.
