Ramona Kossowan helps us recognize trauma as a mom parenting a child with disabilities - it's not what you think!!

Ramona Kossowan discusses how parents can release trauma, regulate their nervous systems, and embrace their own worth beyond caregiving. Ramona walks us through her intuitive, strategic process for trauma release, offering insights on how unresolved trauma can keep us stuck in survival mode and disconnected from joy and creativity.

You Matter Beyond Caregiving: Importance of recognizing your own needs and worthiness beyond your role as a caregiver.
Trauma in Special Needs Parenting: Trauma isn't limited to catastrophic events but can be experienced as a chronic feeling of unsafety and helplessness, contributing to a highly dysregulated nervous system.
Co-Regulation and Nervous System Health: Children unconsciously pick up on their parent’s emotional state. Grounding and trauma release can improve both the mother's well-being and the child’s emotional stability.
Living in Survival Mode: As moms we need to ask “What do I need?” as a first step towards healing, especially for moms who are always in “go mode.”
Signs of Trauma in the Body: Ramona lists common physical and emotional manifestations of trauma, from brain fog and autoimmune conditions to random bursts of crying and a sense of hopelessness. 

- Caregivers are worthy of care and attention, beyond their capacity for caregiving.
- Trauma release can help reset the nervous system, reducing hypervigilance and burnout.
- Practical steps to release trauma gently and strategically, offering a tangible shift in weeks.
- The importance of building a life that honors your needs, boundaries, and joy—beyond survival mode.
- How to recognize trauma symptoms that may be affecting your emotional, physical, and cognitive well-being.

Words of Encouragement from Ramona: Be proud of yourself. You are doing amazing work, and it's okay to prioritize your healing and well-being. 

Resources Mentioned:

Downloadable resource: https://ramonakcoaching.com/gentle-trauma-assessment/

Ramona Kossowan transformed her life from stuck and directionless to the grounded, compassionate leader she is today as the founder of Ramona K Coaching. As a certified Gentle Trauma Release Practitioner, Personal Empowerment Coach and fitness professional, Ramona’s passionate about empowering women to create deep, sustainable transformations in their lives. She gently makes way for women to clear the baggage that’s in the way and build a new, empowered identity. It’s never too late to make that change and embrace your greatness.

Connect with Ramona:

https://ramonakcoaching.com/home

https://www.facebook.com/RamonaKCoaching

https://www.instagram.com/ramonakcoaching/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/ramona-kossowan-380ba66a/

Live with Intention - Embrace the Journey.

Connect with me:

Valerie's Links: https://bit.ly/3RL0da2

Music Acknowledgement: Audio Coffee - Denys Kyshchuk

Editor: Scott Arbeau

Link for book: The S.H.I.N.E. Principle: The special needs mom's path to strength, hope and happiness by Valerie Arbeau

https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B0CW18ZXGX

Here's a community for special needs moms to share, uplift and learn from each other...
https://www.facebook.com/groups/specialneedsmomscircleofstrength

Learn more about your host at:
https://coachingwithvalerieanne.com/

Transcript

You need to be part of this equation. You are your own person with your own needs and your own worthiness beyond your capacity for care taking and care giving. Beyond your capacity for relationships, you matter. 

Whether you’re a parent, a family member, a caregiver, a friend, or simply someone seeking to learn, join us as we embark on this journey of love and connection. Get ready to be uplifted, enlightened, and inspired. This is Special Needs Moms - Circle of Strength. I’m Valerie and I’m so thrilled you’ve chosen to be a part of our circle. Welcome to the podcast today everyone. I’m so excited. I just want to introduce you to my guest today, Ramona Kossowan. Ramona has transformed her life from stuck and directionless to the grounded compassionate leader that she is today as the founder of Ramona K. Coaching. As a certified gentle trauma release practitioner, personal empowerment coach, and a fitness professional, Ramona is passionate about empowering women to create deep sustainable transformations in their lives. It’s never too late to make that change and embrace your greatness. So welcome Ramona. So happy to have you here today. 

Thank you. I’m really glad we could get together and have this conversation. 

Yes, absolutely, absolutely. So, Ramona, I ask all of my guests what’s one unique thing about you. I’d love for you to share with our audience today. 

Yeah, so I think for me I’m an interesting unicorn of traits. Like I grew up like really super sensitive and shy and people who see me now may not think that. So, I think I’m an equal mix of take charge, get to the problem, lots of tenacity, and then a mix with that high empathy, highly intuitive, and earthy like the healing. So of course, that plays out in the work that I do as well. 

Wow, love that. Love that. Well, thank you for sharing that. That’s an interesting mix that you put together. But I love that you’ve been able to utilize that for the work that you do. So, tell us a little bit about your association with special needs moms and the type of work that you do. 

Well, for the last three years, a little over, I’ve been coaching women as a gentle trauma release practitioner. And even before that, I’ve been working for women with women since about 2009 with different aspects of health, wellness, fitness, empowerment, coaching. And what I did notice as I encountered women who have children with special needs is how much it’s impacted their physical health and their mental health. And it can be quite devastating. And that’s the last thing we need is to have the moms and the dads falling apart under the weight of this. And I think in general, people as society as a whole, are not super aware of trauma and how that can play into things. So this is something I’ve noticed that I want to be able to support women with this so they can still feel like themselves, feel resilient. And by resilient, I don’t mean just strong all the time. 

Yeah. Yeah, love that. Love that. So when I think of trauma, Ramona, I think of emotional abuse in a situation, a relationship situation, where one partner is emotionally abusing the other one. I think of physical trauma, I think of sexual abuse. Those are the kinds of things I’m thinking about. So interesting to hear you say this gentle trauma release and that special needs moms can be actually under the influence of this. So tell me a little bit more about that because that had never really occurred to me because I say trauma for me were those big things. And so yeah, being traumatized as a special needs mom, I hadn’t really thought about that. 

Well, I think first I might speak to the misconception that trauma is only worst case scenario, latent abuse and catastrophes, which absolutely are an obvious example. And those are things I do address with my clients. And another way to look at this is that trauma is simply a bodily and embodied response to a perceived threat that has an element of inescapability. So for example, if you are in an apartment building and there’s a fire, you eventually get out. But in that moment, there might be that the shocker, the fight, fight, flee, the freeze. And it’s never fully resolved. And when I think about the parents that I’ve known, there’s so many things coming at them that would accumulate. I mean, we can function with a certain amount of trauma in our system and do okay. Yeah, maybe not great, but okay. But at some point, something tips the scales and we reach our resilience threshold. And we go into shutdown or our hyper vigilance and our nervous system is highly dysregulated. And so for example, thinking about women that I know specifically, it’s when their child in their early stages of life, like from pregnancy birth, early years, the constant threat of even losing your child or these ongoing interventions, you can’t even just take your baby home, right? So that nonstop threat that will absolutely cause trauma. You’re bracing for threat, bracing, bracing, bracing, and maybe getting hit again and again and again and again. And your body doesn’t know that threat. So even if your child is doing pretty great now, your body is still bracing for that threat, whether it was a year ago or 25 years ago. Okay, so then we add on top of that, the maybe you’re the default parent, maybe you don’t have enough support. And we as humans, part of the ways we regulate our nervous system is by safe connection. So if you don’t have safe connection, that’s going to make things compound. If you have conflict with your spouse, which is very common in any relationship, but especially when you’re dealing with a stress of a high-needs child. And then maybe some financial lack of safety. Those are all areas that are affecting our nervous system with, I don’t feel safe. And that’s what trauma is. I don’t feel safe. Mentally, emotionally, physically, socially. And over time, it can erode. So it’s not always one catastrophic event. Although many parents I’ve connected with, there has been catastrophic events with their child many times over. I mean, we are human, we have limits. And this is damaging. So this is where I love to help people know that there are ways to get through this without being destroyed physically, emotionally, and mentally by it. 

Well, that’s a lot, Ramona. That is a lot. Wow. I’m just going back to, first of all, the fact that I don’t feel safe. That’s what trauma is. So that’s a whole new way of defining trauma for me. Like I had not ever really considered that. But it makes sense in the catastrophic, the bigger things. But for me as a special needs mom, not feeling safe. It’s almost like microtrauma day after day after day, you brought up a child that’s potentially going to be dying and living with that thread of your child passing away. Most of us with children with special needs or children with disabilities, especially the medically complex ones, we are living with, “I’m going to outlive my child” every day. And when I think back to my oldest who has CP, totally dependent for all care, I’m just remembering the first few years of her life that we were told she wasn’t going to make it past a year. Then she had recurrent chest infections. So it was always every like six to eight weeks on a round of antibiotics for something. And we were living with that threat of losing her every single day. We were living with that threat. I remember, and I’m going to try not to get emotional here. I remember watching her struggle to breathe and not having an opportunity to do anything. There was nothing else I could do but watch her struggle to breathe. So now that you bring that up that safety, I couldn’t keep her safe. I wasn’t keeping myself safe because I was stressing and struggling with watching this. So all of that is trauma, right? And it’s just building and building and building. But what just knocked my socks off was the fact that it can be 25 years. My child’s now 22. And it’s only just now that I’m recognizing that I’ve been under some serious trauma. 

Yeah, and you’re human. And add to that the feeling of helplessness. Yeah, right? If you could take action and resolve something, you resolve that energy, your body goes, "Okay." Right? So if you’re running from a bear, you ran from the bear. You resolved the threat. If someone was threatening you and you fought them off, you resolved the threat. But most of it’s the freeze response. We feel helpless or trapped in the moment. That’s the freeze response. And unfortunately, the passage of time doesn’t resolve it. I wish that it did. It doesn’t. 

Well, thank you for sharing that. And so what brings up for me then is the trauma that we’re experiencing then needs to be released. Because if we don’t have the opportunity to do that, that fight flight response, then if it’s bottling up and bottling up, it’s probably coming out in other ways, right? 

It affects every body system and every cell in your body. Not to mention your identity and your brain, your high functioning and creative brain is not taking over when you’re in survival mode. That’s not how our body works. Our body defaults to stay safe, don’t die. So that’s what your body will default to. So we can be able to connect and experience joy and pleasure. We need to be able to feel safe to come back to our body, not only to experience whatever emotions feel harder, like maybe anger, guilt, fear, but also joy and pleasure and connection. We need to feel safe in our bodies to do that. 

Wow. So can you just share Ramona a little more about how it manifests in our body? 

So there’s physical, emotional, and mentor cognitive symptoms. And I have a long list that I’ll supply in a free resource we’ll talk about. But so for example, brain fog, constant anxiety depression, gut issues, autoimmune conditions, can’t sleep, random bursts of crying, numb, detached, can’t connect, feel hopeless, like life is just an endless replay of the past. Not able to take action towards goals that are important to you or even necessary for your well being. That’s just to name a few. 

Wow. I don’t know about anybody else listening, but I’m checking off a few of those. Just saying. 

It’s just so common. 

Thank you for sharing that. I’m just like having light bulb moments just going off in my head here. I am sure listeners are going through some of the same. So how can releasing trauma make a mom an even better mom? 

Well, here’s the interesting thing, is our nervous systems co-regulate with others. So if you’ve heard of equine therapy, people go and release trauma or heal with horses, we co-regulate with other mammals. So we certainly co-regulate with our family and our caregivers. So even if you are doing your best to be positive on the outside, your child will know on a bodily level that your nervous system is jacked. They will pick up on it and they will respond unconsciously. Even if they can’t articulate why they don’t know why, we co-regulate. So when you’re grounded, not only will you be able to respond in a more empowered way or maybe from a different perspective when you deal with inevitable difficult things, it will affect how others feel in your presence. And certainly someone who’s quite attuned to you, like if you’re a caregiver or spending time with your special needs child, especially if verbal communication is minimized, your body communication is absolutely at the forefront. We all communicate with our bodies all the time and people will know when your nervous system is grounded versus dysregulated. 

Okay. So I’ve heard of dysregulation when it comes to people on the spectrum and both of my children actually have a secondary diagnosis for both of them on the spectrum. And so being dysregulated, I’ve always associated with a condition. I’ve never thought about myself being dysregulated and my kids picking up on that. It makes total sense, but it’s just not something that I had thought through. 

It’s unconscious. So we can’t think it away. We can’t motivate it away. We can’t bypass it. Yes, there’s steps we can take to recognize, okay, I’m being triggered right now, or I’m not resilient right now. What do I need? And attune to your needs, that’s part of living in your body. But it’s not about just always calming yourself. It’s like putting a bandaid on a wound that’s never healing. So we get under and heal the wound, and then you stop bleeding so much. 

So I’m thinking about the phrase that you just said, what do I need? So I’m thinking back to when I was in the throws when my children were younger. I don’t think I ever stopped Ramona to think about what I needed, because you’re just in go mode, right? It’s - there’s always something, there’s something coming up with one child, another child, with your spouse, with life, with work, whatever the case may be. I don’t know that I ever stopped really to think about what do I need? I had a caregiver one time say to me, “Val, do you realize that you eat standing up?” I never really thought about it. And I think it’s because I was in readiness. I’m in ready mode because one of my kids is going to need something in a minute. So there’s no point me sitting down because I’m going to have to get up. I can’t tell you how many meals I ate cold, because I was running and doing something for my children, or my spouse, or whatever life was throwing at me at the moment. But to actually stop and think, what do I need? Like I love the fact that we need to do that. And I want to encourage all you moms out there from what Ramona is saying, if we’re dysregulated, we need to stop and think, what do we need, so that we can be the best for our kids in the moment. Because we’re going to have many of those moments, right? 

Yes. And also recognizing that you are your own person. Yeah. Yes, you’re a caregiver. Yes, you have children you love and you’re responsible for however, you need to be part of this equation. You are your own person with your own needs and your own worthiness beyond your capacity for care, taking in caregiving beyond your capacity for relationships. You matter. 

Yeah, absolutely. I hope you heard that. You matter. We all matter. And so we need to be taking care of ourselves. So can you walk us through Ramona, what it would look like to be releasing trauma?

Right. So the process that I’m certified in is a standalone process. I received my own coaching. So it’s not a go sit on a mountain and release your trauma situation. Okay. This is intuitive, gentle and strategic. So when I first connect with someone who’s maybe like you were in at that time, quite dysregulated, this can be anyone who’s been through other stressful situations like a divorce, a loss of a loved one in many situations. At this point, it starts out quite therapeutic. So the gentle trauma release is working with the body strategically. So your body can identify a threat. So you’ll have memories that will be a threat to your body, even if you’re not purposely thinking about them. And we tell your body the message that threat’s resolved, you’re safe from that. Your body goes - phew! So you get a tangible result right from day one. And we start giving you tools that are gentle trauma release protocols to help your body get more used to your baseline, the okay versus survival mode, like you would have that with a go go go. And it can be quite disorienting. And you’re like, I just need to take a nap. Like exactly go take a nap. Your nervous system needs to heal from this. So the early stages are more therapeutic of working strategically, uncovering gently uncovering the core traumatic events that are really anchoring those survival responses in your body. So it’s not something I send people deep because I’m attuned to them. I really resolve it within a call. Okay, this isn’t an ongoing kind of week after week or after week on one memory. Okay, as enough trauma collapses, your body goes phew and the other stuff just kind of becomes like, it’s just a thing. I don’t feel in charge from it anymore. Then you know, your body’s like, I’m safe from that too. And from there, there’s also a rebuilding stage. Okay, so we’re working with your identity, your self care, your boundaries, your inner critic, your body intuition, which would be absolutely not be connected when you’re in survival mode, you’re eating standing, that’s not connected to your body, of course, right, you’re in your head. So there’s a stage, depending on what your experiences have been, but the outcome is coming to the other end feeling like you can maintain your wellbeing long term. That’s the goal, not being dependent on ongoing never-ending therapy. I mean, great if you want that, but it’s you feel like I’m good. Yeah, I can, I can maintain now and I can move with this and trust myself. 

So, honoring your nervous system, I’m loving that, honoring your nervous system so that you can experience that phew, as you said, and yeah. And be safe to do so.

Be safe to do so because initially your body is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, I’m not used to being relaxed. What do I need to scan for? What’s my threat? And it’s about helping your body develop a new baseline. So your nervous system can heal, and you can create a more authentic identity that reflects you, not just your tasks. 

Right. Oh my goodness, you are so speaking to me right now, Ramona. I have been so task-oriented, and always looking for the next thing to do. And my husband, bless him, is very, it’s very easy for him to just chill, partly because he’s ADHD and he uses a lot of energy during his work. So when he comes home, he needs to regroup, he needs to recharge, he needs to rest. And he has always said to me, can you not just sit down and rest? And I’ve never been able to, but I’m just wondering if this is a connection with my need to be, and I’ve just not been able to regulate my nervous system. And so well, this…

yeah, this became your default. Yeah. Right. So there your body needs to feel safe to stop scanning the horizon for threat. 

So there you have it. There you have it, folks. Need to feel safe. This is huge for me as I’m sitting here chatting with you Ramona, the need to feel safe. I’m just thinking to of my physical responses within my body, because I have always said my cortisol levels are probably off the charts, because I’m looking for things to be doing. I’m looking to be putting out fires. There’s always something. I’m telling myself there’s always something. So then I’m looking for something to be dealing with. Does that make sense? Am I on the right track? 

It’s very normal. Like even with clients, for example, who left an emotional abusive relationship, and they’re used to like a moving target feels less threatened than just sitting still. And sometimes sitting still brings up things that your body feels overwhelmed with. So staying over busy is a way of dissociating or disconnecting from sensations or emotions that fill up a well. 

Wow, I can’t tell you how much of this stuff is landing for me, Ramona. I am hopeful that our listeners are gaining some insights into their own lives through this, because I had no idea up until recently, and I’ve been parenting children with special needs now for 22 years. And this is only just coming up for me. So I just wanted to make our listeners aware of what potentially is happening. And is this something that you need to address? So just recap and add any other benefits that you can think of, Ramona, for our listeners, if they were to engage in releasing trauma. 

What I would love for you to know is that you can experience a tangible outcome in not that much time. It doesn’t mean everything’s perfect. You’re okay. You can experience a tangible outcome and shifts in weeks, not years. And when you are more resilient and resourceful, you’ll be more creative with opportunities and solutions. You’ll be more receptive to help receiving and asking for rather than needing to do everything yourself because you have nothing to prove. And absolutely, I mean, at the core of it, nobody wins if your body is falling apart. Nobody wins if your emotional health is impacted negatively. And I mean, we want to be there for our kids, of course, but also you need to have a life that’s meaningful to you outside of that role. And it doesn’t mean that you’ll be able to do absolutely everything that you might want to do at any given time. But when your body feels resilient, and by releasing excess of trauma, coming back to your body and trusting yourself, you’ll be able to see solutions that you couldn’t see in survival mode, because you’re too constricted. You’re shut down. You are not creative. So this makes space for, I’m going to care for my body. I’m going to do things that bring me joy and pleasure. And because I deserve it, I don’t need a reason. 

Right. So I’m just curious with regards to burnout, because that’s just come up for me lately. Is this related? 

Absolutely. You can maintain that hyper vigilance and the go, go, go, but at some point, something’s going to have to give. And it’s easier if you can step back before you go over the cliff. So when you go over the cliff, you can still work on healing, but it’s takes longer. It takes more support. Like I’m all about getting holistic support with things like your adrenal to your nervous system, whatever has been impacted by your stress. I’ve proponent of that. But you can’t supplement diet, medicate away the effects of ongoing never ending trauma in your body. So when you can get underneath that and release that gently and effectively, then the other things that you add in will work better. 

Yeah. Wow. Again, so much is landing for me as I am on my journey. And I just want to just thank you so much for bringing awareness, Ramona, to a lot of our listeners. I’m sure there’s a few of you that are coming to that realization, oh, I need to feel safe. This is why I’m struggling with burnout with depression, with just having no creativity, not having the drive, the motivation that I used to have to be able to do the things that I love to do, and not having even the get up and go to start doing something for yourself because you’re just so much in survival mode. But I’m just loving the fact that I’m recognizing that I need to feel safe that I need to regulate so that I can be the best that I can be, and be the person that I was created to be. 

Yeah, you’re meant to have joy and pleasure. Yeah. Not just survive and go, go, go. Yes, you may be dealing with hard circumstances, but you’re still working up experiencing joy, the pleasure, and feeling like a whole person. 

Yeah. Yes. I hope you heard that listeners. You’re still worthy of having joy and pleasure and feeling like a whole person. Love that. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. All right, Ramona, do you have anything to share with our audience? 

Well, I have a download that’s available so that you can get curious about, well, what are trauma symptoms? Because a lot of women think just what you did, trauma is only these big, catastrophic things. And so with this download, you can sit and reflect and explore what physical, emotional, and cognitive symptoms that you have that may be connected with trauma and help you connect the dots. And if you’re seeing a pattern showing up, then I invite you to connect for a conversation. Maybe I’m the person to support you. Maybe I need to help you find other resources because we need to build a village. When you’re parenting, children of special needs, you need a village of support. I’m just a piece about to help you with your self-care and physical, mental, and emotional wellness. 

Thank you so much. Thank you. I just want to let our audience know that the link for the download will be in the show notes, so make sure you check the show notes to get that downloadable resource. Where can our audience go to find out more about your Ramona? 

Well, you can certainly go to my website. It’s ramonakcoaching.com. And I’ll have my blog there. You can set up a call with me if you want to have a conversation. Or you can connect with me on social media on Instagram and Facebook. It’s under Ramona K. Coaching. And I always welcome email if you just want to strike up a conversation. 

Yeah. Well, thank you for being so open and available to our listeners. I appreciate that, Ramona. So before we conclude our conversation, I’d love to hear some words of encouragement from you, to moms and parents who are raising children with special needs or disabilities. What message would you like to share with them to offer inspiration and some support? 

Well, I hope that you’re actually proud of yourself. That gives me the shivers. Parenting is hard in the best of circumstances. You’ve got to be proud of yourself. You’re doing stuff that many people can’t and won’t do. Just be proud of yourself and you’re doing good enough. 

Thank you. Thank you for that. And I want to echo that sentiment. Be proud of yourself because you are doing amazing work. Amazing work. So thank you so much, Ramona, for being here with me and for sharing with our audience. And it’s just been a powerful, powerful conversation. Thank you so much. 

It’s my pleasure. 

All right, audience, thank you so much for tuning in, live with intention, and embrace the journey. Don’t forget to check the downloads. And don’t forget to leave a review.