I'm just putting my hand up because I'm sure I'm not the only one, but sometimes finding joy is extremely difficult because we're doing the day to day, our heads down, we're in the trenches, and that joy and that love sometimes can be elusive. But taking time, being intentional, and finding joy in the smallest things is going to be so beneficial.
Hey, hey, Coach Valerie here. Hello everyone and welcome to today's episode dedicated to finding peace, something we all yearn for as moms of kids with disabilities.
I am the oldest of five children and invariably one of us was giving moms static for one thing or another as we were growing up. As I recall, I figured out early how to mind my manners, be helpful and do what I was told. Inevitably I got to do most of what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. I do remember my mom saying to us five kids, "I just want peace in my soul." Usually after she's had to address someone's behavior or misdemeanor.
Being a mom myself and totally relating to what my mom was desperate for back then, I would say to her younger self and to you today, “do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace”. Dalai Lama.
Peace. Peace.
Peace is an essential topic, especially for moms of kids with disabilities. And here are some reasons why:
Inner well-being. Maintaining a sense of peace helps in managing stress, anxiety and emotional exhaustion, which can accumulate from the additional challenges of caregiving.
Resilience building. Peace fosters resilience allowing moms to face daily challenges with calmness and patience. It acts as an anchor during overwhelming times, providing the strength to navigate difficulties effectively.
And we all know there's going to be difficulties every day.
Quality of life. Achieving inner peace enhances overall quality of life, allowing individuals to enjoy present moments more fully. This can lead to more joyful and fulfilling interactions with children and with other family members.
Positive impact on children. A peaceful environment created by calm parents can positively impact children, helping them feel more secure and supported. And this is especially crucial for our children with disabilities who may be more sensitive to stress.
Sustainable caregiving. Most of us know that we'll be caring for our children for quite a while. So ensuring peace is part of that self-care, which is vital for sustainability, especially in long-term caregiving. It can prevent burnout, ensuring that moms can continue to provide care without sacrificing their own well-being.
Community and connection. Discussing peace can foster a sense of community among moms, and we get it. It's much easier to talk to people that get us, that are wearing the same t-shirt, and we don't have to spell everything out. Peace helps with encouraging connections, with shared experiences that reinforce support networks and collective resilience.
Overall, peace helps create a balanced and healthy lifestyle benefiting both the mom and the child in numerous ways. It's something we long for, and guess what? It's something that you can cultivate.
Mother Teresa said, "Peace begins with a smile."
In the context of parenthood and caring for children with disabilities, peace can take on a unique and deeply personal meaning. In a calm and acceptance.
Peace involves cultivating a sense of in a calm, even amid the unpredictability and intensity of caring for a child with disabilities. It includes accepting both the child's and one's own limitations and challenges without judgment.
Not easy, but it's something definitely to be striving for.
Acceptance. This has been something that has been a journey for me for quite a while. I'm moving towards it, but I'm giving myself grace, recognizing my limitations and my challenges, and I am learning not to judge myself.
Emotional balance. It means maintaining emotional balance where emotions such as frustration or fear do not overshadow moments of joy and love. I'm just putting my hand up because I'm sure I'm not the only one, but sometimes finding joy is extremely difficult because we're doing the day to day, our heads down, we're in the trenches, and that joy and that love sometimes can be elusive. But taking time, being intentional, and finding joy in the smallest things is going to be so beneficial.
Peace helps parents manage emotional reactions in a way that supports a nurturing environment.
Living in the moment. This was tough for me too. I'm very much a task-oriented person and I'm always pre-planning, planning ahead, wanting to know what's coming up next. And so being in the moment was not an easy thing for me to do. So I just want to encourage you that finding peace often involves being present in the here and now, appreciating the small things, small joys, and progress rather than being caught up in future worries or past regrets.
Adaptability.
Peace means finding ways to adapt gracefully to changing circumstances, and let's face it, there's nothing as constant as change. And also changing expectations. It's about developing resilience and flexibility to manage difficult situations as they arise. As I mentioned earlier, they will be arising. Creating a peaceful home environment where both parents and children feel safe, supported, and understood.
This is crucial for fostering growth and well-being in children with disabilities. And I dare to say for us as parents too.
Self-care and boundaries. We all know about self-care. How many of us are actually making it happen? Setting boundaries. Most of us know about setting boundaries. How many of us are making it happen? So we need to make sure that we're setting healthy boundaries to protect our peace and our energy. This ensures that as parents we remain the supportive figure that our children need without burning out.
Community and support. It's so vital. Engaging with a community that offers understanding and support, providing a sense of peace through shared experiences and mutual encouragement. Ultimately, peace in this context as a parent of a child with special needs is about striking a balance between care and self-nourishment, fostering a loving and sustainable environment for both parent and child.
Now here are some practical strategies for cultivating peace because we all need to remember to do it.
Mindfulness and presence. So mindfulness, I'm sure most of you are familiar, is a tool for staying present and for finding calm. Some simple techniques include deep breathing or short meditations. Now I'm just going to share a little story here. I went to see my therapist. Yes, I see a therapist. And I had been for the last, oh, I'd say two or three weeks trying to do some meditation where I emptied my mind and just sat quietly and thoughts would come. I'd acknowledge them. And then the idea was to let those thoughts go. What I was finding was that I was talking to myself in my mind saying, "Stop talking." It was almost like this voice was just constantly chattering and I was having difficulty emptying my mind and just being still and just letting my mind be still and be calm. So I was mentioning this to my therapist and she said, "You know, for your type of brain," which I'm not quite sure what type of brain that would be, but she said, "For your type of brain, you might need something to focus on because your brain needs to be active." And so she suggested that I start thinking about my body, different parts of my body, starting maybe at my toes and just working through up to my head, incorporating and thinking about and acknowledging the different parts of my body. She had me do a five, four, three, two, one exercise with her where I had to think about five things that I could see and I had to mention them. And then four things that I could hear and then three things that I could feel and basically just calming myself enough so that I could withdraw from my environment somewhat and focus in on myself and what I was feeling and what I was experiencing.
Setting boundaries is the next thing. We've talked a little bit about that already. We need to protect our emotional and personal energy. So that means we also need to set boundaries with ourselves as well as with family, friends and our work.
Creating a peaceful environment, as we mentioned earlier. Yes, please.
Here are some tips to consider for creating that peaceful environment.
Number one, designate some quiet time. Daily ritual set aside specific times each day where everyone engages in some quiet activities such as reading, drawing or meditating. This will help with creating a predictable, calming routine.
Tech free zones. Consider having tech free times or spaces to reduce noise and distractions, allowing for mental clarity and relaxation. I know a lot of people talk about while I find my phone as they're scrolling, relaxing. But did you realize that every time you scroll, having to make a decision. Do I scroll? Do I stop and look? Do I comment? Do I like? Do I save it? Do I forward it? Do I share it? So those are a lot of decisions just with scrolling. And as you're scrolling and you may be spending quite a bit of time scrolling, you're seeing a multitude of different posts. So can you imagine each and every one of those, you're making all of those decisions that I mentioned earlier.
Creating soothing rituals. So evening wind down time. Establish a calming evening routine involving activities like dimming the lights, playing soft music or talking through the day's positives. This can help everyone unwind before bedtime.
Sensory spaces. This is what I find fun. Creating a dedicated space with soft pillows, weighty blankets, dimmed lighting, or sensory friendly toys that cater specifically to your child's comfort and relaxation needs. And maybe yours too.
All right. The next thing is mindful environment organization.
I just went through this the other day. Declutter. I probably should do it more, but I did some decluttering on Sunday and it felt amazing. So keeping your home organized to minimize stress and create a sense of order. A tidy space can contribute significantly to a peaceful mind.
Natural elements. Incorporating elements of nature like plants, flowers, or small indoor water fountains, which can enhance the common atmosphere and bring tranquility to the environment. I love plants and I have plants in my office. I have plants in my living room. I just love plants. I'm not as crazy as one of the ladies that I used to work with many years ago. It took her two hours to water all the plants in her house. Two hours. I don't have that many plants, but the ones that I do have, I really do enjoy.
Incorporating calming aromas.
Aromatherapy is a wonderful thing. You can utilize essential oils like lavender, chamomile, or sandalwood in diffusers around your home. These smells can help produce a calming effect. They promote relaxation and help ease tension. Candles is another thing that you can use. Lighted scented candles with soft soothing fragrances during family gatherings or quiet times. This can enhance tranquility.
The other thing, which is so important and I think gets very much overlooked, encourage positive interaction.
Be mindful of your communication. Model and encourage communication that's respectful, patient, and supportive. Even with our nonverbal children, still being respectful, patient, and supportive in our communication with them, even though they may not be communicating verbally back to us, most of the time a lot of them are comprehending what it is that we're saying. We still need to model respectful, patient, and supportive behavior and communication to them. That's the tone for nurturing and peaceful family dynamic.
Shared activities, engaging calm, bonding activities like family board games, depending on what it is. Now I know my husband and his brothers could not play Monopoly.
So pick your board games carefully.
You can talk about your day. You can talk about what excites you. You can do some storytelling. You can do some simple crafts, which highlight the joy of being together without rushing.
I was fortunate my child bought, my youngest bought a puzzle and I love sunflowers. And so it was a puzzle that we actually worked on together, very fine wood. And we put together and so I have it here sitting on my desk and it's beautiful, but it was just such a lovely time. It was a very thoughtful gift and it was also a lovely time for us to do that activity together and create my sunflower together.
Personal peace spaces for everyone. Imagine this. Private retreats in your home, Ensure that everyone has a personal space where they can retreat to recharge. And this is very important for my youngest and also my husband. They need to be away. They're very introverted and they need to be a way to recharge. They can do the extrovert thing and be with people, but they do need to go and find a space where they can just go back, be by themselves and recharge. So creating that space for your family members is really important. So whether it's a cozy corner or a room, but having a personal sanctuary is important for maintaining some peace. And this is something that I am missing in my home. Sounds crazy.
This home has lots of rooms, but I don't have a room that's just mine. And I just realized this the other day. This is something that I'm really missing. I used to have an office down in the basement and then we created the space for our younger child that independent suite down there. And so I lost my office with that. So we have a spare bedroom upstairs on the main level and my husband and I both share an office. So I don't have a space that's just mine. And so with that recognition, I have booked a guest room. A girlfriend of mine has two guest rooms in the apartment building that she lives in. So I've actually rented one of those and I will be going there this weekend to have a little peaceful retreat for myself. I am so looking forward to it. And I recognize this is not something that everyone has an opportunity to do. And it's only because now my children are old enough that I can do this. My oldest is set up in her own home. So it's her forever home. She's there with two of the young ladies and we have an agency that provide 24 hour care. My youngest is now 19, now able to be left on their own for short periods. I wouldn't go for two weeks, but my husband's going to be around. So I think it's going to be a fun time for me just to let it be about me.
I want you to think about inviting personal expression into these cozy corners or these rooms, these personal sanctuaries and allowing your family members to personalize their spaces with colors, with art, any kind of decor that makes them feel comfortable and inspired.
Creating a peaceful environment takes intentional planning, but it offers a rewarding, nurturing space for your whole family. It's about fostering a sanctuary in which everyone can thrive and feel supported among the demands of daily life.
Seeking support.
So I just want to make sure that you appreciate that having support, there's no shame in it. Needing support from communities or professionals, if that's what you need, then go get it.
Unfortunate that I have an accountability partner. And what's been interesting is how our lives have come together, how we actually met and how our lives are so parallel. We both have children that are on the spectrum that have neurodivergence. And it's just been interesting how we've been able to support each other and almost coach each other through our challenges with our children. And we're a similar age, our children are a similar age. And so it's just been so lovely to have someone who gets me and I get my accountability partner as well. It's just been such a blessing for both of us.
All right. Cue the music.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly, Fa la la la la la la la, Tis the season to be jolly, Fa la la la la la la la la la.
How can we navigate the holiday season with peace?
Hmm.
Plan ahead.
It is important to plan ahead so we can avoid stress. We need to simplify with intention. So focus on meaningful traditions and meaningful moments for you and your family. Keep it simple.
I want you to think about daily routines. And here we have some tips on integrating peaceful practices like journaling, taking a walk, five to 10 minutes of stretching or yoga, meditation, thankfulness prayer, being aware, encourage awareness and what disrupts peace and how to respond.
Okay. Something else that we need to think about is daily routines.
So we want to make sure that we're integrating peaceful practices into our day, every day. Things like a gratitude journal and making sure we're journaling, even if it's just one thing that we're going to put in there that we're thankful for or grateful for, just get that practice.
Taking a walk. I find sometimes just getting outside, even if it's cold and we're about minus 15 right now. So even taking a walk, bundling up and taking a walk outside can so clear the head and just give you a different perspective and help bring some calm.
Five to 10 minutes of stretching or yoga, meditation, thankfulness, prayer, being aware. So we need to make sure we are aware of what disrupts our peace and how we can respond.
So if we take the acronym PEACE,
P stands for presence, embrace the moment and be fully present with your child and yourself. Allow yourself to connect deeply and appreciate the small joys in life. I have to say that I find being fully present with my child much easier to achieve than being fully present with myself and appreciate the small joys. To be honest, I have struggled to appreciate any joy at times. Please tell me I'm not alone.
E is for empathy. Foster empathy towards yourself and to others. Listen and acknowledge emotions without judgment to build compassion and connection. For more on emotions and emotional waves, listen to episode 54, which is entitled emotional waves. Do you experience them?
A is for adaptability. We have to cultivate flexibility. We have to do this in order to manage changes and challenges gracefully, making room for personal growth and for resilience.
This will not happen overnight. Awareness is the first thing and you will progress from there.
C is for calmness. Create a serene environment like we talked about earlier and maintain in a calm through practices like mindfulness, which support emotional balance and reduces stress.
And E is for empowerment. Empower yourself with knowledge, support networks and self-care strategies that reinforce your strength and ability to navigate life's complexities. In addition, if you need the help of a professional know there is no shame.
I have a therapist, as I mentioned earlier, who has helped me see that I'm not a failure as a mom. And she has encouraged me to find ways to take time from myself to acknowledge my feelings and to move towards acceptance.
This peace acronym can serve as a guiding reminder of the principles and practices that support a peaceful and fulfilling journey.
Okay, it's time to get real. Having all this knowledge about peace, why we need it and how to cultivate it, it's all fine and dandy. But how do we deal with it? How do we deal with the disruptors of peace?
Unpredictable schedules. Navigating unexpected changes in routines or medical appointments can create stress and anxiety.
Emotional overwhelm. The emotional demands of caregiving, such as fear for your child's future or feeling isolated can be taxing. And let's get real. This is real.
External judgments. Ignorance or judgment about your child's behavior or needs can be extremely disheartening.
Financial stress. The financial burdens associated with therapies, treatments or adaptive equipment may cause tension and will definitely cause stress.
Lack of support. Feeling unsupported by friends, family or community can increase feelings of isolation and stress. And even though family and friends often want to help, it's just so difficult sometimes figuring out how to have them help.
So I get it. Feeling isolated, increasing the stress, feeling unsupported. I know I have had moments where I'm totally stressed to the max and I'm like, who can I talk to? Who have I got to talk to? Now most of my friends would be extremely shocked that I did not call upon them. But we go through this filter of, well, someone's so too busy or they've got enough on their plate or, and we start knocking people off one by one. But I'm here to say that family and friends, majority of them do want to help. You need to reach out, let them know what they can do and give them jobs that they're good at.
So here are some responses to restore peace.
We have to embrace flexibility. We have to adopt a flexible mindset and be prepared to adjust plans. Having backup plans can reduce stress when unexpected changes occur. And the other thing from a time management perspective is scheduling in buffer time in your day. If something doesn't go to plan in one part of the day, you might be able to shift it to that buffer time, that spare time that you've allocated into your day.
Emotional resilience, practicing self-compassion. How many times do I have to say this? And allow yourself to feel and process emotions without judgment. Journaling or talking to a therapist can be very helpful.
Foster education and advocacy. Take your advocacy or educate others in your world and your child's world to combat inadvertent ignorance and foster understanding and acceptance.
So yes, another thing for us to do, by educating people and being an advocate for our children, this is par for the course.
Financial planning. Seek financial advice. Explore grants and connect with support organizations that can provide resources and assistance. And if you don't have a financial planner, make sure that you get one that has some experience with planning for children with special needs.
Cultivate support networks. So we need to build a network of supportive friends, family, or fellow parents of children with disabilities. Online forums and local support groups offer valuable connections.
And I know you know this, prioritize self-care. Take time to activities that replenish your personal energy. And do things that bring joy.
For me, regular exercise, I'm not very good with hobbies. So that's something that I do need to sort of explore.
And mindfulness practices. This is something that I have been trying to incorporate more so, particularly over this last year. And these mindfulness practices can be extremely beneficial and effective.
Set boundaries. Know your limits and set boundaries to protect your time and your energy from draining situations or people. And I know this sounds tough, but sometimes you might have to cut some people out of your life. If they're not lifting you and bringing joy, and if all they're doing is draining everything from you, it might be time to cut ties.
So by consciously addressing these disruptors, you can create strategies that restore and maintain peace in your daily life. And this approach will allow you to better support your needs and those of your child.
So peace is not an absence of conflict. It is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means. That was Ronald Reagan.
So as we wrap up today, I want you to remember the PEACE acronym. So P, be fully present with your child and with yourself. E, empathy. Show empathy towards yourself and others. A, adaptability. Be flexible to manage changes and challenges gracefully. C, calmness. Create a serene environment and maintain inner calmness. And E, empowerment. Empower yourself with knowledge, support networks, and self-care strategies.
Thanks so much for listening. Do share this episode with someone as we can all, use more peace in our lives.
Live with intention. Embrace the journey.
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