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Stop Feeling Guilty About Your Wedding Costs: Solutions for Brides

• Amy Cloonan • Season 1 • Episode 8

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Planning your dream wedding shouldn't be overshadowed by guilt or worry about your guests' expenses.  If you're struggling with concerns about the costs of destination weddings, out-of-town travel, or hotel accommodations, this episode is for you. As a life coach for brides, I understand how difficult this can be. In this episode, I help you identify the root of these worries – whether it's your money mindset, people-pleasing tendencies, or genuine concern for guests’ financial situations. After listening, you will be better equipped to approach this sensitive issue with care, give up that guilt, and create a guilt-free celebration you'll always cherish.

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[00:00:00] If you've been feeling guilty or torn about having a destination wedding, or even one that requires your out-of-town guests to pay for hotels, take a breath. This episode is jam-packed with reassurance and perspective to help you feel more at peace about the cost you're asking your guests to take on to come to your wedding.

[00:00:24] Hey bride, whether you just said yes to marrying the person of your dreams, or you're in the thick of planning your wedding, this is your podcast. I'm Amy, your go-to life and wellness coach. And this isn't just a pep talk. It's our weekly heart-to-heart. We'll navigate the emotions that come with planning a wedding, share laughs, and face the challenges head-on. 

[00:00:47] Today, we're going to talk about unnecessary worry. We're going to talk about the guilt a lot of brides feel about what they're asking guests to spend to attend their wedding. If this is something that you have been struggling with, I want you to know straight out of the gate. You are not alone. It's perfectly okay and acceptable to have thoughts and feelings about what you're asking your loved ones to spend to attend your celebration.

[00:01:23] You probably have thoughts and feelings about everything. It's what makes you human. Welcome to the club. By the end of this episode, I hope to reframe this for you in a way that alleviates your concerns and allows you to move forward with confidence about the investment you're asking of your guests.

[00:01:45] Let's look at this from a perspective of care and consideration instead of dread. I've talked to a few different brides about this subject. Already this week, I've seen it come up at least twice. For the sake of transparency, this is something that I dealt with when I was planning my own wedding too. When I tell you I get it, trust me.

[00:02:12] I do. There are so many different influences contributing to how you feel right now. Planning a wedding can at times be very stressful. If this is the thing that's giving you anxiety at this moment of your wedding planning, let's talk about the culprit. What I have seen In most cases, and just know that there are so many different variables that can go into this, but for a lot of people, generally speaking, it usually comes down to two things.

[00:02:50] You have a mindset about money. That isn't supportive or you're dealing with a little bit of people-pleasing. One of the main reasons the guest expense issue weighs so heavily is that many of us project our own money mindsets or limiting beliefs onto others. Even me. If you have struggled with poverty, if you've lived paycheck to paycheck, or carry deep-rooted insecurities about finances, it is very easy to assume everyone else must view additional expenses the same way that you do.

[00:03:28] That it impacts them in the same way. That they have an emotional reaction when they're asked to spend. Friend, I want you to know that that is just not true. The guilt and dread that you're experiencing might just be a nervous system response to something you're dealing with. It can feel very heavy and overwhelming, but it's more likely that it's about you and not them.

[00:03:58] The reality is You likely have loved ones across a wide range of financial situations. Some are perfectly able to accommodate travel and lodging without any issue whatsoever. Literally have no thoughts about it at all. And then others, it could actually be a financial burden to them. Don't just make assumptions.

[00:04:24] Unpack your own money story. Seriously, if the thought of telling somebody that you're getting married in a place that requires lodging is making you feel physically ill, if you are worried about it or freaking out or it's keeping you up at night, there is something going on. Ask yourself some questions about your mindset around money.

[00:04:48] In what ways are you projecting your own fears or limitations onto others? What specifically are you worried about? The best thing you can do is to get it out of your head and onto paper. I love to do a brainstorm. Just get your thoughts out so that you can see them. And then you might see that it's just a whole bunch of nonsense or it's not.

[00:05:13] Maybe you have a lot of strong emotions attached to the things that you are thinking. If that's the case, then maybe you have a scarcity mindset and there's some work that you can do. Think about the difference between having a real financial constraint and a limiting mindset. That self-awareness might help you to untangle what's yours and what belongs to your guests.

[00:05:40] Also, consider how generational patterns or childhood experiences have shaped your relationship with money. I've been there too. I have gone from a poverty mindset to something different. I don't know what you want to call it. It's not an abundant mindset, but it's better. When it comes to feeling safe with money, I'm still struggling, but I'm further than I was, and that is what matters.

[00:06:07] Just for starters, be honest about any limiting mindset or conditioning you have around money that could be amplifying your fears. You might be worried for nothing. Then, once you've identified what you're dealing with, you can get your hands dirty. You can work with this. You can start to separate your personal experiences from those of your guests, and then start to reframe your thinking around the value of your wedding.

[00:06:37] You know what the truth of this is? Most people don't care. Most people are just excited to be invited and they cannot wait to celebrate with you. They can't wait for what you are creating. They are happy that they get to be part of this experience. Don't just assume that this is going to be a financial burden for them and that it's not worth it.

[00:07:06] Don't undervalue your wedding. If you are thinking okay, yeah, none of this is me, it's definitely not my mindset around money, but for some reason, in the pit of your stomach, when you think about asking your guests to spend money, you feel super weird, maybe nauseous, maybe you just don't want to do it at all.

[00:07:29] It could be that you're dealing with some form of people-pleasing. I would say a very good way for you to take the temperature of that is to ask yourself, am I just avoiding this because it feels like an inconvenience, or does it feel like a burden? If you think that telling somebody that it's going to cost them something to attend if you look at that like it is a burden for others. That feeling is strong. Ask yourself, do I have people-pleasing tendencies? If you have a problem asking for what you want in different areas of your wedding, specifically if you have a bridal party, and let's say you feel bad about the bachelorette that they're throwing you.

[00:08:19] Or your maid of honor or your sister or mother or somebody you love has asked if you would like them to throw you a wedding shower. And you do, you know in your heart of hearts you want that, but you respond with no thank you or you don't have to do that or I'd rather you don't or it's not important to me.

[00:08:42] That is telling you something. It's very easy to detect in those types of areas. But I want you to know that there's a reason for this. Before 1974, we didn't have the right to own credit or loans without a man co-signing for us. I don't know how old you are, but I am 41. My mom, my aunties, my grandmas, they lived through that.

[00:09:07] It was not very long ago. That is fresh. We did not have equal rights. I'm a privileged white woman. We're not all the same. We all come from different walks of life. We all have different experiences. God only knows what you're dealing with. I want you to know, that there is a reason I feel like it is encoded in our DNA because it's been going on for thousands of years. At one point our very lives depended on us being likable so we quieted ourselves, and we shut our mouths. Women have been repressed, we have been unequal, and people-pleasing was a form of self-preservation for a very, very, very long time. So if this resonates, that's probably why. If you want to, like, dig into it and work through it and understand it in a more deepened way, go check out books like The Nice Girl Syndrome by Beverly Engel. , or Codependent No More by Melody Beaty or Batty, B E A T T I E. I will link both in the show notes, but those might be very impactful for you. Anyway, I'm sharing this with you because it's reality, and I haven't done a ton of research on this. I do believe that It is partially genetic. Like, we came into this world, we were brought in by women who had to show up a certain way so that they could stay alive. They had to please men. They had to fit into the society that was in place during their time, and it was not pretty. All that being said, it's 2024. The patriarchy is still thriving, but most of us are safe. If you are listening right now and you are feeling a pang in your gut and you're like, yes, I get this. This fear is so freaking real for me. Babe, I see you and I want you to know that you don't have to live like this.

[00:11:26] This is a transition right now. You are becoming a wife. You are someone's fiancé. You are choosing to partner with them. You can decide how you're going to show up as you continue to grow. Do something challenging. Rub up against those growth edges and resist the temptation to put that weight fully on your shoulders.

[00:11:52] You can ask for what you want and you don't have to feel bad. This is your dream wedding. If you water it down or play small now for the sake of pleasing other people, where will that get you? Where does it ever stop? No. You know what's going to happen? You're going to end up settling for everything.

[00:12:13] You're going to end up being a doormat. Setting boundaries around your wedding Doesn't make you selfish. It makes you someone who prioritizes your well-being. Guess what? Hosting your wedding in your dream location, even if it requires lodging for others, doesn't make you a villain either. You are deserving of this.

[00:12:38] You can ask people to inconvenience themselves a little, and it doesn't have to mean anything. Maybe a better approach to this would just be open communication. Rather than making assumptions about what your guests can or cannot afford, or what they are or are not willing, or what they may or may not think about simply getting their invitation, have an honest conversation with them.

[00:13:04] Let them tell you how they feel. Let them tell you what they're capable of doing. To be clear, the worry that you're experiencing isn't all self-induced. It's not all a money mindset that's not supportive. It's not limiting beliefs, and it's not some sort of people-pleasing. Attending your wedding could be a legitimate financial hardship for some people, no matter what the expense is.

[00:13:31] I cannot tell you the amount of times that I have been in Facebook groups with brides, getting ready to respond to a post of someone who's struggling with this and see comments that reek of entitlement. It sounds like this: if people cared enough, they would make it work. Or the people who want to be there will be.

[00:13:55] That's not true. If you have heard that before and if you believe it, I want you to stop. Even if you are financially stable. It's important to remember that privilege isn't universal, and I think that it's a mark of emotional maturity and human decency to extend empathy to the people in your life who have a different situation than you do... If you could, Just take a step back from this. I understand that sometimes what I'm trying to get at is like those situations where someone might tell you, "That's just too much, we can't come". Someone might tell you no someone might RSVP No to your wedding because of money and you might have thoughts and feelings about that again, totally normal, I just want to offer you some perspective. Try to understand and accept that some people you care about might have to make the difficult choice not to attend because of their financial reality.

[00:15:01] As disappointing as that might be, shaming them or taking it personal won't help. It won't help anybody. It won't help them, and it won't help you. It'll make you feel worse, actually. From the very beginning, try to find a way to respect their situation without casting a bunch of judgment. It's not about you, and you're not doing anything to them, you don't have to feel bad.

[00:15:28] It's their circumstance. And they're doing the best they can, and yes, they might be disappointed, and yes, you might, too, but It doesn't have to stop you from enjoying this. The majority of your guests are going to fall somewhere between easily affording it and it being a serious hardship. If you do want to be inclusive, girl, get creative.

[00:15:54] You can suggest accommodations across the spectrum. Lodging that fits various budgets, things like motels or more affordable hotels. If you have a block, you can do Airbnb or even campsites. We included all of these things on our wedding website. We had people that bunked together. They made it work and guess what?

[00:16:21] It was actually a lot of fun. If you are using a wedding website, look and see what they have for options for lodging. We used WithJoy and I don't, I feel like I should be an affiliate for them because I shout them out all the time. Mainly because I just loved how fun it was for me. It was just a great experience.

[00:16:45] One of my favorite things was the part about lodging. It had a lodging navigator. I could literally put in all the different types of lodging that I wanted to offer as alternatives. You could list your block as the main one, or you could choose not to be. It could list none of them as the main thing and just would show a list.

[00:17:08] We did put campsites, motels, other resorts that were less expensive—even tenting it. at our own resort. We rented out an entire we, meaning my husband and I, we did not rent out the whole thing. We got to invite our closest family and friends to stay on-site and they paid for their room. Our venue was a lakeside resort where you had to rent the venue for Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, checkout was Sunday, and any room that was left unbooked you had to cover.

[00:17:46] There was 20 rooms. We had no trouble covering them. People were more than happy to spend the money on it., I told you I struggled with this, but I very quickly realized it was all in my head. So anyway, you can be creative. A wedding website will probably help make it easy. Just give your guests a very straightforward overview of all the options at their disposal and be clear with them that there is no best one.

[00:18:13] Just be neutral. They don't feel like they're missing out and it doesn't matter. Oh, you're staying in a campsite? Cool, which one? There are so many solutions. Let the pressure go. You have made this as reasonable as possible while still having your loved ones there. I feel like You did it. You did the hard thing, and there is nothing left for you to worry about.

[00:18:39] However, if you do have friends or family members that you will simply not accept not being able to attend due to costs, and you want them at a specific point, It is okay to extend a generous gift of covering part or all of their expenses. That is not unheard of, it is okay. You don't listen to anybody who tells you that you shouldn't have to do something.

[00:19:05] It's your wedding. Yeah, you shouldn't have to, and you don't, but you can choose to. For my husband and I, money is a thing. It's more like I, I already told you, I don't have the greatest money mindset. But. We are very different with money. I spend it as it comes because, you know, life could end at any moment I'm just going to use what I have when I have it.

[00:19:28] Whereas he saves. When we were talking about our vision for our wedding, we realized that it wasn't going to be in Metro Detroit, Michigan. It was going to be somewhere where everyone would have to travel. It was, it was in Gaylord, Michigan. Three and a half hours for all our family here. And it was six plus hours for all our family in Wisconsin, it was a plane ride, and then a three-and-a-half hour drive for everybody else.

[00:19:58] Nobody complained, but we knew that we both had people in our family that it was non-negotiable. We wanted them to stay there, and we knew that it would be putting a financial hardship on them and they would be struggling. They would find a way to do it, but we didn't want them to feel bad. We didn't want them to have to get scrappy. We fit it into our budget just to cover their lodging.

[00:20:27] We didn't even think about it, it wasn't even a problem. We put it in our budget at the very beginning. Before anything else. We got the venue, we figured out how many rooms that we would need for them, and we built the cost into our budget. What was left is what was left. We made it work. I got bougie with our budget.

[00:20:49] We got creative. We got scrappy and the universe just kept giving us all types of creative solutions it was beautiful. If you have people that you want there and you know that it is going to be a hardship for them and you don't want to place that on their shoulders -offer a gift, but be sensitive about it.

[00:21:12] Be thoughtful. Don't just assume who needs help and who doesn't. That can come across as rude or awkward. Approach it from a place of care. Listen, we have calculated the costs, We want to make sure that money won't be an obstacle to you joining us for our special day, So we just don't want you to worry about it, so we took care of it. We just want it to be easy I hope that's okay. Or Offer them. You don't have to say hey, we already took care of this. You could say this is what we want to do. Will you accept? Then it's out of your hands. No strings attached. Let them decide. 

[00:21:57] At the end of the day, there really is not a one-size-fits-all solution to navigating wedding guest costs. Every situation really is different, but it's also not worth beating yourself up over. If you've been doing exactly that, your path forward requires being radically self-aware. Own it. Personal accountability will only make you stronger. Notice if you have any limiting beliefs or unrealistic fears that are clouding your judgment.

[00:22:30] If you do, take time to do that internal work. Have open communication. Talk to your people. Provide them with creative options and don't cast judgment if someone tells you they can't join you. It's not helpful, and it's not worth your relationship or your well-being. You're getting married. I want you to enjoy this.

[00:22:54] I want it to be a dream journey, one that you carry with you forever. If you approach this sensitive issue with this kind of mindset, you will be able to not only design a beautiful celebration, you will get to enjoy the journey to it free of any guilt or regret over other people's financial sacrifices.

[00:23:20] When you plan from a place of awareness, when you have open, constant communication when you show compassion, you give yourself the gift of a joyful, guilt-free wedding celebration. If this episode hit a nerve for you, I'm just gonna say good. Now you know. Now you see it. Now you understand your struggle on a different level.

[00:23:48] Awareness is the first step. The next is up to you. I encourage you to investigate whatever it is that came up. If you have, uh, limiting beliefs around money, if you have a nervous system reaction, To asking other people to do something with you where they have to sacrifice something of their own. I would suggest, if you can, to find a way to support yourself.

[00:24:20] Get a therapist. Even a coach like me can be a valuable resource to help you navigate these sometimes tricky emotions. And finally, I just want to thank you. I want to thank you for listening. I want to thank you for investing in yourself and your wedding. If this episode resonated with you, share it with a friend who you think might be going through something similar.

[00:24:44] Until the next time, you are strong, you are capable, and you deserve a beautiful guilt-free wedding. Talk to you next week.

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Amy Cloonan

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