The Fearless Warrior Podcast
043: Finding Purpose After a Career-Ending Injury with Kelsey O'Connor
Episode Highlights:
- The difference between what you DO and what you ARE
- How to find your identity outside of your achievements
- How skills learned in softball have continued to bless her life
- How she processed her physical and team struggles during college
More ways to work with Fearless Fastpitch
- Learn about our proven Mental Skills Program, The Fearless Warrior Program
- Book a One on One Session for your Athlete
- Book a Mental Skills Workshop for your Team or Organization
Follow us on Social Media
- Facebook @fearlessfastpitchmentaltraining
- Instagram @fearlessfastpitch
- Twitter @CoachAB_
Episode Highlights:
- The difference between what you DO and what you ARE
- How to find your identity outside of your achievements
- How skills learned in softball have continued to bless her life
- How she processed her physical and team struggles during college
More ways to work with Fearless Fastpitch
- Learn about our proven Mental Skills Program, The Fearless Warrior Program
- Book a One on One Session for your Athlete
- Book a Mental Skills Workshop for your Team or Organization
Follow us on Social Media
- Facebook @fearlessfastpitchmentaltraining
- Instagram @fearlessfastpitch
- Twitter @CoachAB_
Welcome to the fearless warrior podcast, a place for athletes, coaches and parents who know the value of a strong mindset. I'm your host, coach AB, a mental performance coach on a mission, former softball coach, wife and mom of three. Each episode, we will dive deep into all things mental performance, mindset tools and how to rewire the brain for success. So if your goal is to gain the mental edge and learn the secrets of mental performance, mindset tools and how to rewire the brain for success, so if your goal is to gain the mental edge and learn the secrets of mental performance, you're in the right place. Let's tune in to today's episode.
Speaker 1:Kelsey O'Connor is a motivational speaker, former D1 student-athlete and a recent social work graduate from North Carolina State University.
Speaker 1:After recovering from a head injury that abruptly ended her athletic career, kelsey graduated and delivered a commencement speech that went viral on TikTok and Facebook, with over 30 million views across platforms combined.
Speaker 1:Now Kelsey gets to travel the country to share her story and her new perspective. It was such an honor to interview Kelsey and recap her story. What I love most about our conversation is that we dove headfirst into some very hard moments she faced and, instead of shying away from those hard conversations. I encouraged Kelsey to share with you all because I've been having so many similar conversations with my college clients and I never want to share with you all, because I've been having so many similar conversations with my college clients and I never want to shy away from those conversations because, even if it impacts one player, I want you to know that you're not alone. These things happen, but never doubt who you are and what you stand for, and I think Kelsey did a brilliant job of standing in her power despite facing so many obstacles out of her control, and so, with that, I thought it would be great to air her speech right here on the podcast so you can hear for yourself, and then, right after that, we will dive into the interview with her.
Speaker 2:Thank you for the introduction. Good morning, welcome, friends, family graduates, honored guests to our spring 2023 commencement ceremony. My twin brother was asked to sing at his graduation last year, so I decided to one-up him and give a speech. He's actually graduating from his master's program next week and both of us are continuing to grapple with the same question that everyone has been asking us what are you going to do next? As I'm sure all of you have been asked the same exact question what are you going to do? That's a very different question from who are you going to be? What I want us to consider is what does it mean to be a human being, not a human doing?
Speaker 2:When I first came to NC State, I had a lot of labels that I was proud of D1 athlete, softball player, researcher, social work student. If you were to ask me about my identity, I would have listed all of those tangible things, but during my junior year, I suffered a traumatic brain injury from softball. My career-ending concussion meant that softball was now forever over and I was on the brink of even continuing as a student. I struggled to speak without frequent stuttering, pausing, confusion, and couldn't prove myself through performance of any kind. The external labels that I built my entire identity on were broken, crumbled to the core, and I was left with all of the pieces of who I used to be and unsure how to rebuild. So as I recovered for several months, I made a resolution to help rebuild my identity. I decided that in order to heal the way I saw myself, I had to start by the way that I saw and spoke about others. I would start describing people not by their labels, but by three things their attitude, the way that they treat others and what makes them uniquely beautiful. Instead of describing my roommate as an engineer, I would first tell you that she is a kind, intelligent, adventurous girl who loves her family deeply. The more I started equating other people's identities towards their internal characteristics, the more I began to build a healthier foundation for myself, seeing individuals and myself not for what they do, but who they really are.
Speaker 2:So some of us have next steps planned out, and that's amazing, and some of us don't, and that's okay too. That just means that not all of us have an answer to the question of what are you going to do? Yet we all have the opportunity to decide who we are going to be when we leave this place. Today, we can choose to be kind, ambitious, because who we are internally is the root of what we do and what we produce to the world. Your roles in life are going to change, whether it's a relationship role, a role in a job but you are so much more than your role. A relationship role, a role in a job, but you are so much more than your role. So you might be going to do work in engineering, but that means you're going to be an intelligent problem solver. You might be going to do social work, but that means you're going to be a compassionate community member. Regardless of what you do, you always have the opportunity to be the person that you've dreamed when you choose a positive attitude, treat others with genuine kindness and appreciate your own unique inner beauty. If you embrace those three things, your life will become more rich, with seeing the world through a lens beyond the labels that confine us.
Speaker 2:I don't know everyone here, but there is one thing that I do know, just from being here we are resilient. Graduation isn't just a celebration of passing classes and balancing work. It's about doing all of those things despite the challenges in between. We have students here who are mothers raising children. We have students who are battling with illness, maybe working multiple jobs, maybe traveled across country or even across seas to be here.
Speaker 2:You are resilient and the things that you do will go beyond your occupation because they start with an internal spark based on who you are, and that's not just the graduates either. It's our supportive community that helped us get here. You are resilient, too, and we thank you for being here. All of you came in wearing several external labels A graduate, a student, an almost alumni, maybe some alumni here and I hope that you leave knowing that you will always be a member of the NC State Wolfpack. But we have to look beyond our labels to appreciate who we really are and appreciate others for who they really are, and because of that, I encourage all of us to think and do and become something uniquely amazing. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Kelsey, welcome to the podcast.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here.
Speaker 1:We just have to hit record because you and I had a wonderful conversation and we're going to link the. Obviously, if you're listening to the podcast right now, we had talked about putting your keynote. So, if you're listening to the podcast, you just got done listening to Kelsey's keynote and so tell us more about who you are. We obviously got connected because of social media, because you've gone viral, but look at where this speech has taken you and your journey and your, all of the things that led to here and now. So give us, where are you at right now? What are you doing?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's, it's so incredible to think back about it. Right now I'm motivational speaking, which I never expected, so I gave the speech last year and then it went viral. That's how you found me. But, um, yeah, I mean I was invited to speak at universities and non-profits and just meeting the most incredible people all around the country. Um, for the last year and now I'm headed back to grad school at NC State to continue doing social work. So I'd love to get my master's in social work and we just talked about I'm trying to apply that to sports and I think there's such a need for sports, social work, but also continuing to speak and just meeting incredible people and being on podcasts and all these kinds of things.
Speaker 1:I love it, and a lot of our podcast listeners are obviously in the softball world and we have other sports too but I think what caught my eye the most is we all know that there were some controversial keynote speeches out there, from commencements, uh all across the country, and what I loved about your speech is you had such a beautiful unifying message that not a lot of people talk about, and it's this idea of identity and I loved this quote. It's what you are going to do is a very different question from who are you going to be? Can you talk about that? Where did that come from? And kind of talk about how did you come to this discovery that we're human beings, not human doings?
Speaker 2:I love that so much because it really was such a process of so many things it was. I looked back at my journals a lot to write my speech and a lot of it was during that recovery period of me being done with softball and all of these goals that I had and things that I wanted to do weren't really possible anymore and just kind of coming to terms with how I was going to have purpose in my life. That was separate from like achievement and and awards, and I also just had really incredible people like my family and I don't know my professors that were just reminding me of who I was, as Kelsey and my kindness or my smile or things that weren't necessarily reflected on paper but that I still had to give. My faith played a huge role in coming to that and really being able to separate those two things and yeah, so a lot of it I really love talking about.
Speaker 2:Like I didn't really make this comeback on the softball field and set records or do these things I wanted to do, but I felt like I had made this comeback on the inside and I'd seen a lot of people around me do the same thing throughout their time at school and I just really wanted to celebrate that and reflect that I don't think we celebrate that enough. Like finding your smile at the end of a difficult time being a comeback, and like this person that you choose to be after some tough times or difficult things or whatever. That's something that you always have, you know, the ability to do. So it just came from that whole process of journaling and I don't know reflecting and, you know, stepping outside of myself and meeting other people and yeah, and I think part of that is I we don't ever expect that we're going to get injured Right.
Speaker 1:And so I think you're a little bit in this conundrum of okay, I'm injured, now what? This label of softball player? I literally cannot contribute in that identity the way that I used to, whether it's an injury that you're going to come back from, and in your case you had to make that decision, you know. And there were even more physical struggles based on your concussion, and so again in your speech you kind of talked about literally what could I have done? There's, there's nothing that a previous identity, even if you wanted to. Everything shifted in a moment. And so the question that most clients and most athletes ask is coach AB, how do I bounce back from an injury? How do I get through this injury? And I think our society is quick to say, well, you'll get back and you'll, you'll bounce back from it, and we're kind of negating those fears of but what if I don't?
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, that's so true. Well, and I think, even in relation to softball, like when that door was shut, you know, on my resume or whatever, it's like student athlete and I don't have that anymore but then to really like appreciate and dig into what did softball teach me? Like, what kind of person did I become? Like I regardless of if it worked out the way I wanted like I became really resilient and strong and able to speak my mind, which translates into my life right now, and a patient teammate like able to, you know, see when my teammates are struggling, and all these really personal qualities and we say they stick with you once the game is over. But they really do and they apply to life in the most incredible way and you don't even really see that until you're out of it. But all of those things that you gain, that can't be taken away from you, even when the game is over and the title of student athlete isn't mine anymore, if that makes sense.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. And so how do you, how are you leaning into that today? I know you're, you're chasing more big goals, but do you get caught up in the illusion of, okay, well, now I'm not chasing softball, but now I'm chasing my masters, and I think it's really hard for us as competitive athletes, like we can't really turn that competitiveness off. So how do you find that balance between you know, knowing the difference between okay, I can have goals, I can be competitive, but at the end of the day, I'm still Kelsey, whether I succeed or fail, like, I'm still Kelsey.
Speaker 2:No, that's such a good question because it really is. It's so funny, like that whole process that I talk about in my speech, like it was not just a one and done. You know, my life is different now, like it's such a practice every day and it really is. I'm someone that journals every morning or like at least just tries to pray or sit in quiet for five minutes.
Speaker 2:Um, and even when it's really busy and I'm speaking or I'm doing these great things that are again now I'm chasing motivational speaking and masters, I just pray for the right intentions and it's always like I don't know my prayer every morning is that it's not about what I need to say, it's about what other people might need to hear through me, and I just pray that I just have the right intentions and in my actions, my thoughts, my words, and so just really settling myself down and remembering the gratitude I have that even my story is, I don't know, to help people and not to just spill, and yeah, so I think just like sitting in that quiet and really focusing on my intentions.
Speaker 2:And when my social media started to blow up, like I got really I don't know attached to it, excited about it, and that was one of those things where, once I started getting attached to the likes and comments, like I put it away for six months it was like it's not about becoming famous, it's not about reaching a ton of people, it's really about staying authentic and genuine to that. I don't know that positivity and that story and making sure it's grounded, and so when I'm not grounded, I step away from all the noise and then when I'm ready to come back, I come back and try to produce good things.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and your humility shines through that, because I think the mistake that we make a lot of the times is that in order to impact, in order to be a leader, I have to be polished, I have to have a good performance, and I'm thinking about all of my college girls that I speak with on a weekly basis. We always fall into the temptation that I have to be a starter on the field. To be a leader, I have to be polished, I have to be positive all the time, and we know that those are false perceptions. We know that those only add more pressure, but it's so easy to fall into that mindset because that's what society tells us is Facebook likes and social media likes and the perfect picture, and we have to have it all together on the field and good grades. And now we have NIL and you know all of the things that these athletes are facing. It's wild, yeah.
Speaker 2:It's a lot of pressure, yeah, I mean, it's so true, though, and the always positive and running everywhere and just the things that, yeah, we're supposed to show outwardly that we're put together and we're good, and, yeah, I just think that vulnerability and authenticity, it's so powerful and it's so beautiful, even just giving this speech, and my favorite part isn't even really you know other people seeing it. It's hearing other people's stories back and like witnessing people talk about how they see themselves after they watched it, or their life changing injury or loss or story and just how beautiful that we really are all connected when we kind of peel back that layer a little bit and our stories are so different, but we all connect to some of those feelings and so, yeah, I think it can be tough as a student athlete, you want to be all put together, but there's something really powerful and real about just your authenticity and talking about those tough days and how real they are.
Speaker 1:Well, and I think part of that is when you're in the muck and you're in the darkness. You had to walk through some really dark days and had you had to write a speech or help pull somebody else out of their depths of their darkness. While you're still in the dark, it's hard, and in the moment, you're questioning why is this happening? And whatever you're comfortable sharing. I would love for you to share more of your story, simply from the perspective of you're on the other side of it, but there was probably a time where you thought this is never going to end. This isn't going to end the way that I want it. This is feeling yucky and gross and I just want to run and hide from all of this trial and tribulation of it.
Speaker 1:You can inspire other girls who are going through the same thing, and so if you're, if you're listening to this and you're facing dark moments and you're wondering is this ever going to get better? I know this probably isn't the answer that you want to hear, but every story, every trial that you're facing can be used for good, and so I would really invite you, can you kind of speak to those girls that are struggling with maybe their identity or playing time, or maybe they're playing time and their coaching staff is affecting their confidence. They're feeling the pressure of, you know, being a starter or having to be a leader. What would you say to those college girls right now, or even high school girls?
Speaker 2:Absolutely there's. I would say I love the way. But like I'm on this other side, I'm happy, I'm excited, I'm so joyful doing all these things. But there was really that time of darkness and when you're in it you really can't 100% know that you're going to come out it out of it. But it is so much better to hold on to that hope that it will get better and almost just even like visualize yourself there, even when it feels impossible, um, because I remember and I'll obviously share more of my story. But just in that really slow darkness, um, just feeling like if I can just see to tomorrow and I can just see myself as happy and try to let time do its job a little bit at a time and hold on to hope that it'll get better and I don't know when and I don't really feel it right now but just better to hope than to than to not. Um, I would say, just hold on to that specific example.
Speaker 1:I mean you were talking a little bit about this. Let's just start with high school of. Let's let's start with the pressures of recruiting right Of like. Am I ever going to get recruited? We don't know when and how we're going to get recruited, so speak to that. Let's start there.
Speaker 2:Yeah for sure. So I obviously grew up, um, the rules were a little bit different. So softball was super early in recruiting. I mean, girls in middle school all around you are committing to schools. Um, and so I was playing for a pretty high level travel team traveling all across the country. Waking up at four in the morning to practice like softball playing in college was the goal, and I had actually I'd committed to a school downtown Chicago my sophomore year of high school and then, ironically, I had three really or two really bad concussions in that period of time. I had three in high school overall and had kind of been through that injury, that recovery, that several months of head injury, thinking that that was my challenge in my softball career and that was going to be the thing I overcome the most.
Speaker 2:And headed into my senior year, I just didn't feel like it was the right fit for me and what's, you know, my parents did such a good job of really talking to me about where am I going to be happy with or without. I just didn't feel like it was the right fit for me and, what's, you know, my parents did such a good job of really talking to me about where am I going to be happy with or without softball? And that school just wasn't the right fit. And my dad would even say, like let's say you get injured, let's say you don't play, and I would be so frustrated I'm like that's never going to happen to me. Like why would you even say that? But they had a little bit of a point of like look for schools that you're going to be happy with, regardless of softball. Cause, if I pour all my happiness into softball, like it's not really a good foundation. And so I decommitted from that school in Chicago super amicably.
Speaker 2:But I was headed into senior year with no schools and I still had this really big goal I wanted to play in college. I wanted to play at a high level. I went to a big high school, so I really wanted a big school. Um, and then that summer I started talking to North Carolina state. Like they started to show interest in me and I went out there for a camp in August. Well, the week before was one of my head injuries, so I got injured the week before camp. And so I get there and I can't really do anything except for hit.
Speaker 2:I'm like the timing of this is just terrible, right, like I get to the school and I fall in love immediately. I mean, nc State is beautiful, it's in the ACC, they have a really good social work program, which is what I want to study. Raleigh is just full of the most amazing people. I'm from Illinois, so I'm like Midwest girl, I want to go play in a warm state. Just all of these things together. I just felt like it was home.
Speaker 2:And so I decided actually that that was where I was going, softball or no softball. And that August the coaches were like we love you, we see you playing here, we'll be in touch. And then for four months just ghosted me. I mean nothing like I'm emailing, calling, texting, and no reply. And so in those four months I basically decided like NC state is where I'm going, softball or no softball, this is where I'm going to be happy, I'm applying. It's the only school I applied to and that's where I'm going. And then I kept, you know, dming the coach. But it's hard because all these girls around me are committing to their schools, posting their visits. I'm still practicing every morning as if I'm going to be playing in college, but it's still up in the air and now I'm trying to play at this huge ACC school and they're ghosting me, even though they said they wanted me. And even that was just a tornado of thoughts, thoughts, um, but it was a blessing ultimately worked out. They replied to my Twitter message and invited me back out that December and we're super great, you know, just trying to get their feet on the ground. They had just been hired and, um, then I committed that December um to play for them the next year.
Speaker 2:So even that whole journey of getting recruited and the pressure and especially the comparison of it I mean just social media and rankings and all of those things, like it really is so all consuming, especially in travel ball, when your whole world from a young age to that point is softball, it's really difficult to step outside of that. And I was fortunate because I didn't realize how much getting involved in some other things in high school and best buddies and volunteering and things like that was really going to save me in college. Um, because, yeah, it's tough. So I get to NC state and it really is dream come true, it's magic. Like I live for the schedule, the 5am to 10pm on campus, and like I'm just running with it, like I'm there early, late, extra, just so in love with my team, so in love with the school um representing them. I w I was such a walking stereotype in every you know team issued gear piece that I had.
Speaker 2:And that first year, that freshman year, we had the best start in program history Like we were really making a good run Um my coaches and best start in program history Like we were really making a good run. My coaches and I had a good relationship. They were married and just just really supportive. You know you're what this program represents. We're so glad to have you. My exit meetings were always good.
Speaker 2:And then COVID hit the spring of my freshman year. And so I think all of that balance because I had been involved in research, I was really involved in my social work department, I was someone that put school first too, and so I was just really involved in the school in a lot of different areas All of that balance really zeroed in because COVID of course everyone here witnessed COVID moved online and shut down, and so for those next six months I moved home and trained every day to come back and to play. And then we come back that fall for my sophomore year and I mean we're really not allowed to go anywhere except home and the softball field. We're getting tested, you're only allowed to be with your pods of people and we had had some issues within our program.
Speaker 2:But right, especially as a freshman, you come in with these rose colored glasses and when people are screaming at you and your teammates are screaming at you and you kind of just chalk it up to the fact that it's D1 and it's going to be hard and you need to suck it up and do it. And obviously I'm like I'm one of those people that's like tough it out and do it and get over it. And so, you know, headed into that sophomore year, we really started to see some of the craps in our program that were a little bit more than just it's tough. It was really, you know, getting on girls for being stupid or their weight and teammates just screaming at other teammates, punching walls, throwing bats, like just this, crossing a little bit over the line of what's accountability and what's a toxic environment. And I struggle to even say that sometimes because you, you know, you have such upheld respect for your coaches and you feel this guilt when they bring you here and you're so grateful for this opportunity. And yet you know there's these, some of these issues that are presenting themselves.
Speaker 2:But, like my year was still going well, my exit meetings are going well, I'm set to start in the spring, and then I had a medical issue that was a little bit unrelated to my sophomore year, but things are still going pretty well. We're starting to, you know, have some issues and then that spring, basically like halfway through the year, we had lost a series and we were flying home and during this layover, our starters. So we, really my coaches, split it up into starters and non-starters every week. If you were a starter, you were on the field, you were practicing, and if you were a non-starter, you were, like sent to the cages to do whatever you wanted to do and like you would maybe get in at that, maybe you wouldn't like.
Speaker 1:It was very, you know, two-sided and so just to preface this for everyone listening, whether you're in high school, you're a parent, you're a coach, I think when we start to share these stories, that is a red flag. But we didn't, we don't know it at the time, Right, and so you're like well this is just normal.
Speaker 1:And so if you're in a program where that's happening, kind of be be mindful that what kind of culture is being kind of produced, right Of like, what's the culture, what's the conversation? And we're not calling out coaches in this situation, but what you're doing by sharing your story, is saying, look, you're going to face all sorts of things and in that moment, right Like you're getting, you're garnering lessons. So, yeah, continue.
Speaker 2:Say, like if you're crying every day and your teammates are screaming and shit, like you should talk to people outside of your world and I think that was something that we really struggled with, especially with COVID, is you were only allowed to be around Like everything was so enhanced because we were at the softball field all day long, from 9am to 4pm. When everything else in the world is shut down, there's no balance. You're only with these people and so your world becomes all consuming, and when that's what you know, you kind of think you're crazy for feeling like it's, it's bad, because who are you going to talk to? That's not also in it, you know. So you're kind of in that guilty stage and also you want to get in the game. So it's like that selfish of like well, I just want to take care of myself, but then I'm seeing all these things happen to people around me and it's just this.
Speaker 2:You know, tough pull, um, and so basically, during that layover, a bunch of our starters got drunk at the airport and um, to the point of, like you know, starting to have an altercation with people at our gate. They were almost not going to let us fly home. It was like a whole thing. And when we landed, we got back and some of those players got suspended for the week and we get in the locker room and some of those players are like whatever, I don't care anyways. Like this program sucks and which is tough to hear, right Like I, you know, been on the bench with a medical injury and you just when you pour your whole heart into something like you want the people around you to really care, and so we were just kind of falling apart at the seams in a lot of ways that was starting to unravel visibly now and that had kind of been just brewing for a long time. And so that next week we had like a safe space meeting is what they called it to talk about how we felt about the situation, talk through our feelings, what we think should happen.
Speaker 2:And you know, at one point I just basically said that I felt like we could have seen this coming, because these particular players and people had been allowed to break rules for so long. And I think one of the issues that we had had, you know, even prior, was that our standards were so different depending on who you were, so these particular players could break a rule and be totally fine. And then I had a friend or some teammates who were cut, absolutely belittled and screamed at for breaking the same exact rule or something even less than, and so it was very our standards weren't standards, they were very like fluid, which is really difficult to have a culture and have a team that has good camaraderie If you're setting the standard differently for each player based on their performance, and it really puts the emphasis back on if you perform, you're valuable, they care about you, they'll talk to you, and if you're not playing, they're not going to talk to you, they're going to make you do all these other things. They're going to tell you you're stupid and you suck and you're embarrassing, you shouldn't be there, and so you're right. That puts a lot of extra emphasis on trying to do good. And so I basically said that we had seen this coming, um, and that I still love them as people, right, like they would come to my house if they needed something. I love them. I wasn't, you know, writing them off as people, but I don't know that they deserve to come back when they don't even really aren't showing any sort of apology or or desire to come back. Um, cause, we didn't see that either.
Speaker 2:And the very next day, my coaches, you know, call us in a meeting and they are like, if you could have seen this coming, shame on you. This is your team too. If you feel like this wasn't the first mistake, like shame on you, you should have handled it, which is something that we tried to do. So, yeah, so they were like you know, shame on you basically took all of my words from the day before and verbatim kind of yelled them back at the team, and so I called them, like wanting to talk through it and ask for a meeting, and basically just shared. I felt like that wasn't the most appropriate thing to do to take words from a safe space meeting and throw them back in that manner, like I want to have a real conversation about it. Um, I just felt like that was uncalled for. And they said, um, they were like you know, the same way, you felt attacked by what we said. We felt attacked by what you said on Wednesday, like you're just jealous because we favored them. You're being self-righteous. Like honestly, kelsey, like like what's wrong with you? Yeah, like we felt attacked by what you said. You're attacking our coaching, whatever. And so we're trying to talk. I'm trying to talk through this with them. But I mean, at that point I was in the bullpen.
Speaker 2:The rest of the season we had like one more week anyways, a week of ACC season, another week, and those those players came back and sat one game and played and you know it wasn't really handled. So, again, like those standards weren't really set across the board, which could have been a really good opportunity for us to grow as a team. And it wasn't handled that way because our starters, who are sitting, are now watching non-starters who are struggling in the field and making fun of them, and it's just a whole thing. And so over that summer we basically had half the team leave and up to that point, I mean over my three years, we probably had almost 20 girls transfer cut quit I don't want to say 22 and a coach, which is just a lot of players in the course of three years.
Speaker 2:So it was one of those things where I really did question myself like, is this a personal problem and I just not cut out for it? Am I overreacting? But I'd like to think in reality, like a lot of us were experiencing the same thing and so we were heading into junior year. But I love NC State and I want to play at NC State and I just I poured my heart into it, I want to represent it. And you're just so attached at that point to everything that you've worked for and you know your teammates, the school, and so I meet with my coaches.
Speaker 2:That summer exit meeting goes well. They're like you're going to start next year, we're going to be fine, we talk through our issues and we're we're good to go, and so over that summer I'm training, meeting the freshmen, touring players, like our relationship is kind of back to normal. But then, you know, headed into the fall, we're all really committed to making this a more positive space and then almost immediately, it's just not like we're. They're screaming at us one day for, you know, not being loud enough. They're screaming at us the next for embarrassing ourselves. They're screwed, like it's just this double standard at all times and again yelling at players for very personal things.
Speaker 2:I think when it moves into a personal, you know, attack is when it isn't just about how you're playing, because I've had some tough coaches I really have, and I adore them like clear, like coaches that get on me and push me to be better. I love it. I really do, but I think there's that difference in um personal frustration and some vitriol there. And my teammates at that point right, you vacation together, you eat together, you hang out together all the time. They're my, my sisters, and so I'm spending every day with them and already they're telling me that they're not going to survive the fall that they're rating themselves on their mental health surveys two out of ten. Um just sharing some really severe mental health problems.
Speaker 1:And not only are you trying to pull yourself up and figure out this situation, but now you feel like as a leader, as a upperclassman, you are now responsible for your sisters, and that's a really heavy place to be in.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I appreciate it, cause it, it just it is as a, as a person and I think, even that difficult thing and you know, wanting to play and stay in your own lane, but at some point, like this, becomes more important and almost kind of knowing like if I address this, it could end my career, but at the same time, like, yeah, they're your sisters, like at the end of the day, yeah, like how do you, I don't know, not not be there for them, not support them? Like it's so much, it's so much bigger. But yeah, it is hard, you're dealing with it yourself too. And, um, basically, I ended up meeting with the sports psychologist and our trainer because I didn't want to just go and, you know, meet haphazardly. Like everything I did, I wanted it to be really intentional. I wanted to make sure I was doing things the right way, saying things the right way. I didn't want to cause problems in the program. I just I really truly was so committed to making it better and I I can say that I just that's truly where my heart was at.
Speaker 2:And so I met with our administration and asked them for meetings, like for them to meet with us, cause I didn't want to give secondhand information. But I had all these teammates that would talk to them If they came to us. They were just obviously too scared to go to the admin's office, rightly so. After, you know, I had gone and my coaches had found out that I had gone, um, even though it was kind of supposed to be anonymous and they there was just a miscommunication and them feeling like I was trying to get them fired, which I, which I really wasn't. I just wanted it to get better. I don't know what I wanted, but, and I'd worked hard for them for two years, like I really did have this relationship with them.
Speaker 2:But yeah, I mean, would stop practice just to to scream at me. And you know, put me on the bullpen schedule, even though I was an outfielder and so I was working more than our starting catcher on the bullpen schedule four days a week and trying to balance work and um, school and extra practices. So I'm there from 9.00 AM to 4.00 PM catching morning bullpen, afternoon bullpen, um, and it was just one of those things where I felt it and I felt the energy change. And so I tried to meet with them directly again and I just basically asked them like if, if this isn't going to work, I feel like you're frustrated with me, I feel like you're angry with me and I really do want to play, and we talked about me playing and I just want to open communication. Like what do you see going forward? And they were like we're only not talking to you because you're not talking to us. Like what do you see going forward? And they were like we're only not talking to you because you're not talking to us. Like you're projecting, you're making this so much harder for yourself than it needs to be, like I don't know why you're acting crazy. But you're going to play, your numbers are up, but, honestly, like you're just making this so much harder for yourself, stop projecting.
Speaker 2:And that was kind of the moment of like should I go somewhere else? Should I, you know, continue to like work this out with you guys and like that avenue of where to go? And then, like two weeks later, um, we're at practice and half of our teams in the field and half of us are running bases, and I'm running bases, and then they swap every player out but me, and so I'm continuing to run and I'm at first base and our shortstop is coming through for a double play, and so, as I'm sliding into second base, instead of making a lane, she just came straight through and so her like knee first full body just went straight into my face, um, and that was my injury. And I mean the field's spinning, the world is spinning, my head's pounding and my coach just starts clapping and it's like good, play, short, stop, let's move on. And so I kind of stand up and like make my way off the fields. My trainer comes to me. I'm at that point like my head's pounding, but like my heart is just broken, almost, you know, at the same time.
Speaker 2:Um, the very next morning I get called into their office at like seven in the morning and they're just almost like you know, you could have permanent brain damage. Like you know, how do you expect to play in the spring if you don't play in the fall? And almost just kind of like talking in this circle and they're like, well, it was way scarier for us than it was for you, and just like this I don't even it's hard to remember, like I have pieces, just because I kind of documented it. But like I was like I can't do this right now, I need to take. I need to take six weeks.
Speaker 2:And so over those six weeks, like I'm seeing six different doctors, I had braces put back on to fix my jaw, I had nerve damage in my neck, like just all of these things I started feeling out of my classes. And so over the course of the six weeks, because I'd had so many concussions in high school, you know, the more you get hit, like sometimes, the longer it takes to recover. Um, I had never experienced some of the cognitive symptoms that I was feeling and the, the double vision and the? Um, just brain fog and confusion, and kind of, over the course of those six weeks weeks, it was pretty much decided that I was going to have to medically retire and so it was this gradual and abrupt thing all at the same time. Yeah, but I loved my teammates so much that I was like I'm going to stay on this team even though I'm going to medically retire. There's no chance I'm playing softball again and I'm kind of gradually grieving that. But I'm like I need to stay on this team even though I'm going to medically retire. There's no chance I'm playing softball again and I'm kind of gradually grieving that. But I'm like I need to stay on this team because this needs to get resolved.
Speaker 2:But I meet with administration and they're like they basically tell me it's a personal problem, it's a personal communication problem. Why do you even keep playing Like, why don't you just quit? And so the lack of support there was tough. And then about six weeks in, my coaches are. You know you should be, you know what's taking so long, you know clearly you look fine. So why are you? You know, why aren't you back? And my teammates who I I just love like I mean I still it's hard to talk about because I loved, like when I said they were my sisters, I really meant that. And they're coming to my house, you know, giving me hugs and explaining to them. You know where I'm at, trying to visit the locker room, leaving them notes.
Speaker 2:And then, I mean, overnight, my coaches met with a group of them and the very next day I get a call just cussing me out, like why aren't you back yet? Like you look fine, clearly you're faking it. If you look fine and you're not back, are you being so selfish? And so I held this meeting with my team and about half of them that were newer to the program which I think kind of says a lot about people that come in with fresh eyes they were so supportive and like loving and like this is not okay and we need to be supportive. And then this other half of my team, the ones that I'd really played with for three years and loved and were my sisters, I mean overnight went from we love you, we're here from you always to, honestly, kelsey, why are you being selfish? You look fine, like you're clearly faking the worst pain you've ever known in your life.
Speaker 2:And I think it was obviously in that moment. I already knew I was going to be done with softball. I'd already decided that with doctors. But I I was just, I was a wreck, because part of that identity wasn't just losing softball, it was losing that entire community, all those friends, everything I knew myself to be. I really blamed myself a lot, like I maybe they're right, like maybe I'm crazy. And a lot of brain injury comes with overall confusion and some paranoia and, you know, can kind of lead into a lot of self spiral of like maybe what is wrong with me? Because you can't see it, you can't measure it, you're only articulating to your doctors and you can see it visibly through my jaw, my neck injury. But you know, that spiral of you know doubting yourself and being so confused, I mean it's it just wrecked me. It really did.
Speaker 2:And those next few months, because I ended up, I'm still living with my teammates, I'm still passing by the softball field every day. It's the center of campus at NC State and when we talk about that darkness I forget, because it's been a couple of years now, but it's like that. I couldn't really read. I was struggling by that point. I developed this like a late onset stutter, so I was really struggling to speak clearly and articulate my words. I mean I was couldn't move about pain, I was in pain all the time and I started having these personality changes.
Speaker 2:So I would very happy person, like I mostly present, very happy If you watch my speech. Like I'm a joyful person, but I mean like I was not fun to be around, I would cry and I would yell at my family and then I would forget everything that I said and everything that I had known myself to be student, athlete, involved, good teammate, like trying to be a good leader, like was just done, like thrown away. And that that was really when it was like I have nothing to give, I have no performance to offer. All these, these people, you know I'm, I'm semi alone and my faith personally is really what brought me out of that of like I have nothing to give and I'm semi alone and my faith personally is really what brought me out of that of like I have nothing to give and I'm still loved and that was really defining for me. Like. What do I like? What kind of person was I created to be? That has nothing to do with softball and nothing to do with the grades that I have and everything to do with how I move forward.
Speaker 2:But it's tough to believe that on a daily basis Like it's. It's tough when you're going through that and every day just feels like it's dragging to see yourself all the way down that road. And so it really was celebrating like the first day I came home from school and then it, or like the first day I was able to, like read a whole page of a book without you know, getting confused, and like these really little milestones in my family pouring into me and just trying to picture myself and what the end of that road would look like. Yeah, so that I mean to that point, when you're playing softball or you're in a sport, like you haven't really had those reps of like resilience in terms of seeing yourself outside of this sport, and so it was just very crushing.
Speaker 2:I'm like who am I outside of this and how am I going to find that magic in my life again? Is anything going to feel that exciting, am I? What else am I good at? And how do I even? How do I even do that? Cause I can't even really talk right or move right or, um, I don't even feel like myself or recognize myself. But I mean God, if anything. It's just that there's always that, that hope, and it takes time, but when you're really focusing on the light and just trying to be grateful, like even when I was like I, you know you don't always feel like there's things to be grateful for, but there are, and I kept that gratitude journal and in my heart and in my family and kind of by the end of that junior year, I mean I was done with NC State, like I was so over it.
Speaker 2:I was frustrated with NC State, like I was so over it. I was frustrated at the support. And then I really was able to separate the athletic department and some of those people that were hurtful and really laying back, like the school that I loved and the professors that kept me in school and the doctors that kept me sane and healed me, and it was so beautiful. It was this really gradual like regaining of just this love for the school. And then I wanted to move home and my parents were like, go find some friends. Like go find some people. Like please go, try to live your senior year. Like go, you know, make the most of it. And I found these friends on Facebook and they were just the most loving, invitational, like just fully accepted me. I'm embarrassed, but I, my braces are huge, I have screws in my mouth Like I'm not the same and I'm just I don't even want to go make friends. And they were just like come with us, come meet all our friends, and invited me.
Speaker 2:And then over the course of that last year it was really, you know, from recovery to finding that joy. It was like who am I and what smile do I have to give? And even stepping outside of myself and meeting people through social work that had been through some really terrible things and seeing their hearts and their energy and finding inspiration from them to be like these are such beautiful people that have been through difficult things. Like I want to. I can't be my old self. I'm not a softball player, I'm not even the same. You know old version of my personality, but I can be such a great version of myself if I just, if I just try, and so so, yeah, that's it.
Speaker 1:I've been talking for a long time about you, I think, leaning into that hope. I think, throughout all of that thread and there's a couple of of beautiful allegories here for you are passionate about mental health, and some of the similar symptoms of a concussion are also emulated in mental health struggles, and so there are girls all over that are facing some of these things and we're too afraid to seek help outside. Right, or, if I seek help from the psychology department, or if I seek help from the counseling department, are my I seek help from the counseling department, are my coaches going to see this as a weakness? Or is there retaliation? Or man, maybe, if things are really as toxic as they feel, who are you going to go to outside of the program and what are you willing to risk? The last 16 years of the hard work that you've put into your sport that you love so much, we have this tendency to. Why would I risk that? And I'm just so glad that we talked even before we hit record to have you share this because there is so much strength in vulnerability. Because, even if your message today, if you're listening to this and you're like, yep, kelsey, I was meant to hear this today, I would really encourage you to reach out to Kelsey, because if your story impacts one person, I think there are so many girls all across college campuses and even high schools that are in the darkness. You can be that one light for them.
Speaker 1:The other thing that I was going to mention and your faith, is what defines you and how you pulled yourself through. That's just one component of what saw you through that darkness, but your faith the term Jesus is closest to the brokenhearted. I've experienced deep grief in losing my father. I would have never have experienced a faith transformation of who I am today had I not walked through that darkness and who was there waiting for me, right Of like. He just wants to be with you in your sorrows and whether you're strong in your faith or not, I think that there's this immense hope in something bigger than yourself, whether that's your faith, whether that's your family, your support system. I think we have to get out of this identity. That's kind of the whole theme of this right. When we get out of this identity of you are just a softball player. Sometimes you have to go through some dark days to finally realize that yeah, it's hard but it's needed.
Speaker 2:No, absolutely, and I appreciate you sharing that too. Like just that had to be so hard and even just yeah, like to be able to look at it as like you're gaining this closeness or the empathy to relate to other people. Like there are, like those broken things because we can't change them. Like we might as well believe that God can turn them into something beautiful and use them for good as well. Believe that God can turn them into something beautiful and use them for good, and even when we can't see what that is, just like allowing ourselves to be open to that. I think you just put that so beautifully.
Speaker 1:And part of this right is this hope. So I love this conversation today. We'll link some resources below. But if you feel like you are hearing Kelsey's story and you're thinking, okay, this is great, but where's the next step, we highly encourage you to reach out. Don't discount your mental health. It's okay to not be. Okay. Whether we link resources below to the hotline, you can Google it on your own campus or reach out to us. But looking back now, I would love to ask you the final question that we ask everyone on the podcast is the time traveler question. So, kelsey, you're a time traveler. You could go back in time. You can pick any time on your timeline. If you could go back and tell your past self one message, what would you go back and tell your your past self one message, what would you go back and tell her?
Speaker 2:tell her that she's loved. I feel like I would tell her so many things, but I would tell her that she's loved and I would tell her that I'm proud of her and to keep working because it's going to be worth something. And I think even when I was younger, I always pictured that worth something to mean success at NC State and right now, like it has been like the privilege of my life to be going around to speak to people and see my face on the internet which is crazy and like just see like four minutes of this moment, like turn into something so beautiful and my life is so rich and abundant and joyful. But it was because of that girl that kept trying and working hard and trying to be a good person. I would just tell her, like you, being kind and loving is your greatest strength.
Speaker 1:It doesn't make you weak and you are so loved for them, so that's such a good question, oh my gosh, and I knew that you would have a great answer for that. So, kelsey, thank you truly for your vulnerability and for those of you guys that are listening, truly, truly. Find us on Instagram, reach out to Kelsey. She loves sharing her story and we'll link that as well in the notes, but I just have so much gratitude and this isn't. You know, we'll stay in touch and I'm I would love to have you come speak at the retreat and so many opportunities, and you're going to continue to speak and get your masters, and the best is ahead. I can just see it.
Speaker 2:Yes, we'll definitely be connected, but thank you so much. This was so wonderful. I really appreciate it. Thank you, and yeah, please reach out to me if you feel inclined Awesome.
Speaker 1:Thank you, Kelsey.