The Fearless Warrior Podcast

076: How to Have a Hard Conversation with Your Daughter

• Amanda Schaefer

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For this week's episode, I'm sharing a parent workshop I hosted during a previous Mental Skills Challenge Week! I dive into the vital need for effective communication between parents and young athletes. Focusing on tools and strategies that foster emotional safety, I provide insights on navigating tough conversations and building lasting connections.

Episode Highlights:
• Discussing the challenges of parent-athlete communication
• Importance of emotional awareness in young athletes
• Introducing the parent communication guide with practical tips
• Celebrating progress and handling emotional setbacks

Parent Resources:

Parent Guide: https://www.fearlesswarriorprogram.com/ctcc

X: @ToriTyson

The Emotion Wheel


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Speaker 1:

Welcome to the fearless warrior podcast, a place for athletes, coaches and parents who know the value of a strong mindset. I'm your host, coach AB, a mental performance coach on a mission, former softball coach, wife and mom of three. Each episode we will dive deep into all things mental performance, mindset tools and how to rewire the brain for success. So if your goal is to gain the mental edge and learn the secrets of mental performance, mindset tools and how to rewire the brain for success, so if your goal is to gain the mental edge and learn the secrets of mental performance, you're in the right place. Let's tune in to today's episode.

Speaker 1:

Today's podcast is really special. Every year we put on an event called the Mental Skills Challenge Week, and the really cool thing about this event is that not only is it free, but we've gotten feedback from parents that when they start to have these conversations, one of the challenges that we do for our girls is have them have an honest conversation with their parents about what they find is helpful versus what they find is hurtful. And when we discover what our athlete craves and what our athlete needs versus what they find as frictional, we can start to open up a better dialogue. We've had parents message us and DM us that this has absolutely changed their relationship for the better over one activity. So if you're wondering, what is this challenge week? What is this activity? This parent workshop that we did explains it a little bit more. And if you participate in our challenge week, when it comes up you're going to understand more context. But you don't need to participate in the challenge week to understand or to listen to today's podcast, because what I'm doing in this parent workshop recording is I'm breaking down how we talk to our athletes, paired with our best resource. So if you've seen on social media or you're hearing about it for the first time, we've created a step-by-step guide for parents on how to talk with your athlete, what to say, how to say it, when to say it, and then it has over 100 conversation starters. So these are questions that you could look at and maybe ask two to three a day, and it's absolutely going to change your relationship for the better. So, if this is something you've been craving, how do I have a hard conversation with my daughter, how do I boost her confidence? How do I support her and get less eye rolls? Right, because I think sometimes our athletes they don't really want to talk to us because they're in their teen years or they're worried that they're going to get a lecture, and, as parents, we also crave this connection, and so, instead of getting shut down by your preteen or your teen, this podcast, this workshop and this resource, this guide, is absolutely going to be your best tool, your secret weapon. Have a listen and make sure that you download the guide. It might actually be really helpful to download that guide and have it pulled up as we talk about it throughout this podcast, because that's what I'm sharing on my screen, so you can literally see side by side as I'm walking through it as well. We'll link it in the show notes below, and so, without further ado, let's dive in. All right, so we are recording now.

Speaker 1:

The question I asked in the chat was on a scale of one to 10, how do you think tonight's challenge went? We've got an eight, we've got a seven, we've got an eight. I'm going to share my screen quick, those of you guys that have been around for a while. We have lots of different resources for you guys. Fearlesswarriorprogramcom backslash, ctcc is our conversations to create confidence guide, and what this is, you guys, is. This is our parent guide for parents to be able to talk to their daughters, have tips, and then the really cool thing is we literally outline conversation topics for you guys.

Speaker 1:

So if tonight's conversation was forced or awkward, as a coach, one of the biggest mistakes that I made is I only talked to my athletes about softball and the games that we have coming up and the things that we needed to work on. And when you start to understand that there's so many more topics that you can talk to your athlete about, like tonight's activity, you know, like go go garden, go watch a movie, watch Netflix, do something that is not attached to softball. We created a conversation guide for you guys to have conversation starters that may not be related to softball but are related to life skills. So we there's questions about confidence, there's questions about their friends, there's questions about teachers. This page is amazing because you're going to hear and help support them on whether or not they feel intimidated or scared or nervous with coaching, and then really start to tap into what are my fears, what are my frustrations, without saying, hey, what are you thinking in the box? Right, you're going to immediately get defensiveness. But if you kind of keep this in the back pocket and say hey, I'm going to pull out some of these conversation starters and just ask her, you're going to find out what she's thinking. So that's like the whole whole guide.

Speaker 1:

But the thing I wanted to talk to you guys about really briefly tonight, I just wanted to draw your attention to our parent conversation framework. This is something that we teach in almost all of our parent trainings. We talk about this and we've worked with counselors, we've worked with sports psychologists, we've worked with mental skills coaches like myself, and one of the worst things you can do is we want to immediately go in and give them our advice. We want to tell them what we think. We want to fix their swing. We want to fix their pitches. We want to tell them, you know, just relax out there and we have to flip that. Now, guys, I really messed this up.

Speaker 1:

My first years of coaching I was a young coach. I coached. I was the head coach of a high school program for three years. If I could go back and implement what I've researched and learned game over, this is how you guys do it. So the first thing is I'm proud of you or I love you. Don't assume that they know that. Tell it to your children Tell it, say it. I'm proud of the way that you cheered, even though you weren't playing tonight. I'm proud of the way that you played shortstop tonight and I know you normally play second. That must've been really hard for you right.

Speaker 1:

Find ways to praise them that feels authentic without it being cheesy. And then, once you open up that dialogue, then ask them hey, and then this is where you can use a conversation topic. You can use one of my favorite. I went to a coaching clinic and Tori Tyson If you guys aren't following Tori Tyson on Twitter amazing coach, t O R I Tyson, t Y S O N. She actually played at the university of Nebraska under Rhonda Ravel, which is one of my amazing mentors. She this is what she preaches and, like her, twitter is full of this. She loved and she literally calls her players her babies, like she just loved on them and they had a phenomenal season and she dealt with some really big life adversity this year. So her coaching technique and I loved this because she was a pitcher Her advice was hey, what did you feel on that?

Speaker 1:

It's specifically for pitchers. So if you are at a pitching lesson and you can tell your daughter is just frustrated, instead of saying something like why isn't your rice ball working? Or come on like throw strikes, like it's not that hard, right? The things that we want to say could sound like hey, what did you feel on that one? Or how did that pitch feel. They may give you an emotional word. They may give you a physical word, like just something just feels off physically. Ask them what are you feeling? What are you thinking? Let them tell you.

Speaker 1:

I don't know how much you guys know about the generational patterns I'm technically a millennial. Your kids are Gen Z's. Gen Z's want input. They want to tell you how to write your lineups. They want to tell you where they think they should be playing. They want to tell you where you're going to eat for dinner. They want to tell you that they want their bedroom in the basement and that they want these Birkenstocks, or I want this Instagram or this like. They'll tell you what they want. And so, when they crave that type of autonomy, ask them how would you solve this problem? What do you think you should say to coach about this situation? Ask them. They'll tell you and then ask if you can share your perspective. So, literally, would you like to know what I think and they can say yes or they can say no, and if they say no, be like okay. Well, I feel like I could give you some really good advice here, but if you don't want it, let me know. If you need me. I'm here for you and watch their eyes light up when you give them that autonomy and I guarantee you if something's frustrating them, they're like okay, fine, I'll ask.

Speaker 1:

Mom and a lot of you guys were noticing with Jen's ears. You guys, this scares the crap out of me. You guys view your relationships with your Jen's ears as best friends. How many of you guys have heard your daughter tell you that they're your best friend in some sort of fashion, which can be really really cool and really really difficult in the same scenario, because I'm not. I don't have a 12 year old or a 16 year old yet, but I can imagine that would make discipline difficult. It would make conversations difficult because you're writing that fine line. So that's what I wanted to share with you guys. If you get nothing else from tonight, we teach this on every single one of our parent workshops. I will be quiet now and literally just open it up for some really authentic conversations and some hot seats. How can I help you guys?

Speaker 4:

I think one of the things that we've run into is at the beginning, I guess, of my daughter's. She was a freshman, made varsity and the coach said hey, it's kind of an open competition. You two battle it out and it gets to my daughter. She tells my daughter, basically, you're going to sit the bench because you can't hit it. She said that's the only thing holding back you can't hit. And so she sat the whole season and now that we're in to tournament ball, it's in her head that she can't hit, although she's. She's hit every year before, until now, and she really is like so, like this last tournament she played great defensively, but in her head and then so it doesn't matter.

Speaker 4:

So I tried really hard to not say anything in the car. And yeah, and it's so hard to like, hey, you got this kid. She's like no, I don't. Coach already says I can't hit. I'm like so I feel defeated, you know. So it's like how do so? How do I get her to look past that? And you know, even if I've shown her videos like here's where you've hit before, it's like yeah, well, it's not that.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, which is great. The brain is going to use historical data. So the more that you can give her that historical data, the more that that it's going to hold more weight than just. Well, your dad, of course you love me. You have to say that I'm a good hitter. You, you're the one that pays for hitting lessons. You're the one that buys my bat. Of course you're going to tell me I'm a good hitter. How can you empower her to challenge? We always talk about challenge those thoughts, right? So if you're giving her proof of why she's a good hitter, maybe you flip it and say okay, great, what proof does that coach have that you're a bad hitter? Talk to me about like, let's, let's hash this out. What proof does she have that you're a bad hitter?

Speaker 4:

well that. What's frustrating is she only got four at bats all season. Right, it's not a base three of the four bats it's like, but you can't hit it right so that's the really cool yeah

Speaker 1:

that's the really cool conversation is you're not leading with that, you're leading with what? Well, what proof does she have that you're a sucky hitter Like? Do you have proof of that?

Speaker 1:

And see what she says. And then she, and then she's going to say exactly what you said. Well, I only hit four times, dad. Oh yeah, you're play dumb, right? Like? Make her feel like it's her idea and challenge those thoughts and say is that really true, right, and that's what we do on our coaching calls all the time. Gosh, dang it. I, my husband, made fun of me. I have had our spaghetti jar on my desk all week. I've been meaning to film a video for the girls. One spaghetti is easy to break. That's a thought. We have to challenge those thoughts Once a bunch of spaghettis get together, or pencils they become a belief.

Speaker 1:

This has become a belief. She believes that she's a bad hitter. So we have to slowly break apart those, those moments where she has those thoughts, so continually push her. Is that really true? Is that really true? Is that really true, Cause that's not what I'm seeing and then proof, proof, proof, proof, proof. She can't, she can't negate you know the whole she can't negate the stats. The other method that I would say is really powerful is fast forward. What's her goal? Regurgitate that goal to her. Hey, what's your daughter's name?

Speaker 4:

Ari.

Speaker 1:

Ari, what, like? What's the end goal here? Like, maybe that coach is right, maybe we do quit, but I know that's not what your goal is. What's your goal? Have her say it and she'll say dad, I want to play college ball, dad, I want to be a starter, dad, I, I, I want all these things. Great. Are you going to let that coach decide that for you? Like, when does that coach get to decide that for you?

Speaker 4:

Right.

Speaker 1:

You know, and so again, the more that you can prove to her, challenge her, and then you can empathize with her. If this will nail at home have you had a boss or a situation or a relationship in your life that did something similar? You might have to tweak or stretch it and say like hey, all right, you know what I've been thinking about this. This has happened to me too. You want to know how I handled it.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, it's true. I mean, yeah, it happens.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I know I threw a lot at you. This is recorded. We tell our athletes in our sessions all the time, anytime someone is on a hot seat. When you're in the moment it's like you don't have time to write notes. Definitely go back, rewatch this, take some notes, send me a DM. If you get lost or you need additional resources, we're here to help. Awesome, thank you, and y'all you know what we do when someone goes on a hot seat Cause I know it's nerve wracking. It's really nerve wracking for the girls when they're on a coaching call. So, thank you, I didn't catch your name either.

Speaker 4:

Shane Jensen.

Speaker 1:

Awesome, shane, nice to meet you.

Speaker 2:

All right, Shane went first y'all, so now you know it's not scary hello, hi, I guess we're on a little bit of the other end of what shane was talking about. So our daughter, aspen, she like and it's also with batting like, if she doesn't make contact or hit, like the frustration, she comes off the field and we can see it and we don't, I guess know how to like help her manage the emotions. And I get, I mean she's still young, I mean she's only 10, but I just feel so bad for her because she's so frustrated.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So their, their thought process is growing. So, just like they're growing you know, two or three inches a year their frontal cortex is growing. So the the most simplistic way that I can explain this to you is every emotion is attached to a thought. So when we have emotions about being sad that we lost a loved one, it's the memories and the thoughts that are attached to that. If we didn't have those thoughts, we wouldn't have those emotions. It's the meaning that we're placing on those emotions.

Speaker 1:

So if you say, hey, aspen, I'm just really curious, right, same thing, play dumb. I'm just really curious. I really want to help you with this. What's going through your head when you get up to bat? Now, the key to this, you guys, is this applies to any situation. Applies to any situation. Do not ask these questions in the the timeframe of before the game or after the game. Save this for, like, bedtime, save it for the kitchen dinner table. Save it for Sunday morning after church when you're at brunch, like, hey, you know what I've been thinking? I'm just really curious, what's going through your head? And that's the awareness piece. So a lot of you guys are going through mental skills challenge week this week, the whole point of this week is to bring awareness to them. Notice you guys aren't doing the challenges. Your daughters are doing the challenges, so they're realizing. Ooh, I have negative thoughts. So I'm curious did anything specific, like a specific thought, come up on Monday or Tuesday's challenges?

Speaker 2:

The only thing like she self-talked, but like out loud, for like the balloon one. At first he was like this is hard, I can't do it. But then, like she was like no, I'm doing it again. So she had like a couple different times that she got better. She's like oh, I guess I did, okay. And then the only other thing that she kind of really said was like I feel like I can do it now, but then kind of like in practice, but when it comes to the game, when it comes to the game, like I can't, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

So recognizing and saying hey, I understand that you would be frustrated. I would be in tears too If I knew that I could do it in practice. And I got emotional in a game and I was telling myself I couldn't and just saying like look Aspen, you've just started, like we've only been doing softball for however long you've been doing softball. Do you believe that? Hey, just like that balloon challenge, do you think that with practice this will come natural in games? And it sounds like she's pretty motivated and pretty like go getter. She's probably going to say something like well, yeah, mom, duh, ok, well, how do we tap into that when you're in the box?

Speaker 2:

Okay.

Speaker 1:

Because at this age the hard part about that age is like we we try to tell parents it depends on the maturity of your kids. But the nine and 10 year olds that we've coached in in our programs it takes a couple rounds, it takes time. When we have older kids, they've got the physical side established and it's like all mental and once we assault that, it's like game over. They graduate from fearless warriors. It's like all of a sudden they're playing lights out Girls. It's like physicals growing, mentals growing. We're maturing. It's like this, like ladder effect. Does that make sense?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, no definitely, and she loves it and we're going to make it still that she loves it and fun and not crazy frustration and pressure on her. But she's always been like it's like she hates to lose, so right.

Speaker 1:

And again, challenge that thought. Challenge that thought Is that a bad thing that she hates to lose? Well, what's good? What's? Why? Is that a good thing?

Speaker 1:

Aspen, I know that this frustrates you, but what's the good in this? If you're frustrated, what does that mean? It means that I care Mom, means that I want to get a hit mom. It means that I, you know, whatever Right. So the more that you can and the the conversation guide is going to help her to have, like you know where do you feel confident? And like, do you believe that with practice you'll get this and then that will start to ease that expectation on her as well. The simpler the better for that age. So a deep breath when she goes up up to bat. A lot of the skills that we teach are they can be up and down the slider scale of the complication level. So, like, instead of teaching them how to do a box breath or a three, two, one cleansing breath like she's 10, one, one big breath, blow like smell the flower, blow out the candle like support, love, simplify it for her.

Speaker 1:

And just those constant reminders of challenging those thoughts right Like hey, you have proof of the balloon challenge. Is that really true that you can't do it, or do you just need more time? Okay, All right, thank you. Yeah, that was. That was an awesome question. I'm sure that was helpful for other parents too, in different contexts cool.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, we sort of struggle on the same one. We got a 12, you, she's a catcher, okay, and if anything goes wrong on the field, even if it's not her fault, she just breaks down. I mean, runner scores, you know, runner, runner beats out the throw to the second. I mean she'll just start crying on the field and that's the appalled. I mean it's getting to the point where she's riding the bench more than than anything, just because she can't get her emotions under control.

Speaker 1:

Sure, and what I would encourage you to think about is it's not about controlling the emotions, it's about letting them pass. And when you allow her to have that storm, the storms will get shorter and shorter. So you know, like I have a four-year-old and he's in bed next next door, so I have to be a little quiet. If I tell him stop crying, it makes him cry more. Now, granted, that's a four-year-old, but his storms could last like three to five minutes. Her storms maybe last I I don't know how long they're. How long are these emotional?

Speaker 3:

if she starts breaking down, I mean yeah, I mean it could last a couple innings sure right, um, but she gets one good hit and then suddenly it's flipped and she's happy again yeah, it's contingent, it's that committed with conditions on our quiz, that identity that we talk about.

Speaker 1:

So the first thing is is that we want to have emotional security, emotional safety. When she knows that she's okay to show her emotions, you can start to coach her through of like okay, you know, if she's younger, if we're talking to nine, 10, like anger, sadness, super simple. As they get older, you can move out the emotion wheel If you can get her to name those emotions and she can say well, I'm just really disappointed. Or maybe I'm just exasperated, like I'm angry because of my teammates, or I'm angry because I'm shameful, like it's my fault, or yeah.

Speaker 3:

She doesn't even have to be involved in the play, but if someone scores she thinks it's her fault.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so the more that you can bring awareness to her and start to get her to name this. The other thing that we can do is so, like I said, the storms. If you talk to her about a storm, right, the question that we ask on athlete calls a lot is hey, does anyone like rainy days? Does anyone hear any parent here like rainy days? Like, I don't mind a rainy day every now and then, but society tells us that rainy days are bad and sunny days are good. There are people that don't like sunny days. They don't like hot weather. I like 99 degree weather. I like bacon in my car. Some people don't like that, and so it's the idea that there's good and bad emotions. There's no good and bad emotions there. It's an ebb and a flow. And so if she's sitting in the dugout telling herself a flow, and so if she's sitting in the dugout telling herself don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, it's going to make the storm rage longer, versus if you say, okay, great, you've named your emotion. You figured out that you're just really frustrated. You're exasperated Great, how long are? How long do we want to be exasperated? How long do we want to be frustrated? Are you going to give yourself 10 seconds? Are you going to give yourself an out? Are you going to give yourself an inning? And then the goal is to start to shrink? How long it takes her to really let those storms rage.

Speaker 1:

There's a couple of like team USA players and there's there's lots of posts about this out there. It's also called the five second rule. So as they get older I mean we're talking high school, college age you make a mistake. The best of the best of the best college world series, they're making errors. I'm going to be pissed. I am on the college world series, the biggest stage in the world, and I just biffed this ball. Of course I'm going to be upset because I'm a competitor and because I've put so much time into this. I'm allowed to be frustrated.

Speaker 1:

Five seconds I'm going to face my if I'm shortstop, I'm going to face my left fielder and I'm going to just for five seconds and when I turn around, storms over again. It's like a hitting lesson, it's like a pitching lesson, it's like a catching lesson. She's not going to get this right away. You guys have to help help her with this, and my team and I can help her with this. Any of the things that we're coaching you guys on tonight. I don't want you guys to feel like I'm throwing this all at you and then here you go like row your boats you guys are all on your own little islands.

Speaker 1:

This like we have so many resources to help you guys to navigate this. So did that help or did I throw a lot? I know I throw a lot at people.

Speaker 3:

No, it helped. It's just a matter of trying to get her to to do it and listen.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, the first thing is to just start with naming the emotion, because oftentimes when they're developing they don't even know why they're angry. They're like I, just they don't even know that they're angry, or maybe they're sad or whatever. That is Just simply starting to get her to name those emotions will be helpful.

Speaker 4:

One of the things I learned was kind of letting them have the conversation in the car too. And that was I learned after having my oldest daughter go through, who was a pitcher and you know pitchers are in their head about everything. And then I have my other daughter's a catcher. So I learned to not ask questions about like well, hey, what happened in the second inning? Or because I found that we would get like this in the car and then be like it'd be just angry in the quiet car right the rest of the way home and because you know we don't realize the pressure that they put on themselves, because they know they're I mean they're out on the field and everyone, everybody knows. And so I've learned to not ask the questions like hey, so what was happening on that play? And finally she popped up and went down.

Speaker 4:

I was like yes, dad, I really intentionally meant to throw the ball into the dirt to watch the runners go score. I was like, ok, I got you, leave me alone. But that was one of the hardest things for me to learn. And so, like I'm a parent and coach now for my daughter's the catcher, and so I've been really trying to work on you know I say hey look, I don't coach you, I'll let the other coaches talk. You know they handle you, I'm dad, yeah, so so I'm just here to vent. If you got a vent, let me hear it, and so I've been trying to really work through that and so that's. That's been an interesting dynamic.

Speaker 1:

So that's amazing. And saying like again, do you want, do you want, my advice? They, they might want it, they might want it. And just like saying, catching yourself and say, like I'm so sorry I started giving you advice there. Like I'm sorry, Do you want my advice? Do you want to know what I think is is so powerful? Again, guys, I've I've done my fair share of royally messing this up. As a coach, I am prepared for parenting. Knock on wood. I love that. Thank you for sharing.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Super awesome, you guys. This is this is why we switched this to zoom, because this community like this is why we do what we do.

Speaker 4:

I think the the one thing in in kind of from hearing what some of the other parents are saying, is getting them, like I said, to let it go. When something happens, like in our last tournament we had a the other team was already kind of in pool play, was kind of blowing us out, and one of the girls comes by, kind of like there's no need to, but ran into my daughter's catcher and the blue tells us afterwards I saw it. Ran into my daughter's catcher and the blue tells us afterwards I saw it, but I didn't think it was that big a deal. And then my daughter was like like she knocked my helmet, my glove off me.

Speaker 4:

And then, of course, when she gets some dugout, she's like I'm so mad, I'm so mad. It's like, hey, you have to just move on, like you can't hold onto that. And so I think that that's where I'm at. I want to give her that confidence, hey, when you're up at the plate, because she held onto that when she had to bat the next inning she was still mad about getting run into that. She didn't let that go and just kind of like, kind of a snowball. So I'm trying to get her in the mindset like hey, let stuff go, move on.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah and and that conversation is really cool, the funny we just had this conversation with our who did I have that with One of the teams that I'm doing team training with. A lot of them are in.

Speaker 1:

Texas and they came off of their high school season and the question that I asked the older girls is is that is that all it took to knock you off your horse? You're going to let that girl's mean comment knock you off your goals or you're're gonna let that other team that we like butted heads with and pool play? You're gonna let them affect this game?

Speaker 1:

yeah you're just asking. I'm just asking a question, y'all, I'm not like you. Tell me and walk, walk away, and then they'll start. No, we're not. No, we're not, no, we're not. But like they want, they crave so bad, they want the autonomy, they want the power. Yeah, questions are awesome. How can you get them to think and own it themselves, at any age too? This is what's so fun about this, guys, is that we're a half hour in and it doesn't even feel like it. So if you guys have to pop off um, thank you guys for being here I will stay on for about 10 more minutes. So, let me, let me have it. Don't feel like you guys have to stay on.

Speaker 1:

Coach Garth, we're heading into nationals here in Canada as my coach with Ellis daughter. If we win here, oh sweet, little league world series coming up. I feel like, in addition to touches and trees, thinking of spending a fair bit of time focusing on emotional resilience, drowning out the noise. What else do you think we should consider? Great question, I think trust is going to be huge for you guys in that really having the conversations with them of softball is softball is softball. So, whether we play in Canada, whether we play in the little league world series. The bases are 60 feet, the mound is 43 feet. It's the same field, one of the the more that you can help them understand like we've prepared for this. A field is a field as a field. The stage is the same. You guys have everything you have in you and I love that you guys are going to talk about emotional resilience and bouncing back and drowning out the noise. Coach Candrea describes it as marching butterflies.

Speaker 1:

Gosh, you guys could. You guys could have so many amazing skills that you guys could use. Coach Garth, if you send me a message, I would love to do a team workshop. I have some time Well, I this is the busiest time of the year and then I'm taking a week off for a friend's wedding but will you send me an email or a message? Um, I would love to give you guys some tools and some help. If, if you want to book a team workshop we do actually do team workshops I can give you guys some really tangible tools, but on a very basic level, I would just help them to understand. We've prepared for this. That's where our confidence comes from Trust. The training that we've put in would be huge for them, but we can definitely schedule. We can schedule team workshops If you guys want to do team training. If your daughter's an individual, we'll be sending out more information on our fearless warrior program and all of that. But tonight's focus really is like how can I serve you guys? How can I coach you guys? Get you guys wrapped up, get you guys finished through challenge week, and I'm sure you guys will have lots of questions too as far as the program which we'll, we'll, we'll talk about that when that time comes.

Speaker 1:

How do you hope a 10 year old drown out opposing coach oh tough one, oh tough one left his team, no reason other. Yeah. So, rachel, I'm sorry that you're dealing with that and I'm sorry that there's coaches out there that ruin coaching for others, because this is what causes the girls to mistrust other coaches that have really good intentions. 10 year old we have to be careful because they're developing their emotions, they're developing their thoughts. We don't want to shame them, acknowledge and say I get it Like if I was in your shoes, like, yeah, honey, this would get to me too Totally normal, it would throw me off, it would distract me, I would be frustrated.

Speaker 1:

Right, name the emotion, meet them where they're at and then again having that conversation, that really just asking her and saying like, what do you think about this and how do you want to respond to this? And her response might surprise you, but you also might. You might've been getting conversations like mom, I don't know, I don't know, or maybe you see it and she's really stuck. That's where you can come in and say do you want my advice and your advice? Rachel is going to be amazing compared to mine, because you're in that situation.

Speaker 5:

Right. So like that, that first time we've played them once since she left the team and the first inning she fell apart and on the mound we got out of the inning. She ended up sitting the second inning because she was still upset, crying in her head. Um, I got her dad on the phone and her new coach and they had kind of like a little pep talk and she came in the third inning and allowed one walk, one hit, which resulted in and out, and then she struck out two of their big batters. She struck out their biggest batter and you know, I figured that would help, but now she's.

Speaker 5:

We're potentially playing that team this weekend and she does not want to play them because of that, and we've already told her, like you've already struck out all of their big hitters. So you know, there's really nothing to fear. Yes, he might talk, but you know, you know that you can do it. He's just, we think that he just wanted his daughter to be the star, which is unfortunate. She's a great pitcher, but you can't have one pitcher in a whole tournament, right? So she's just, she doesn't want to do it. And this past weekend there again was a chance we could play that team and she shut down before we even knew if we were going to play them. We weren't even playing them, and she was already thinking about it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yep, and really I think about really just honing in on that praise. That sounds like that was really effective to get dad and the new coach on the phone. How old is she? She's 10. Yeah, so, again, like we I, not we I tend to overcomplicate it a lot at that age, but I'm not, I'm not in that in that situation you are, and so you know your child best. And if she really create, if her love language is praise and that worked really key into that and really acknowledge um.

Speaker 1:

One of the other things that we do in our programs is we do color personalities for them. So she sounds like she would be a blue and so if she's feeling that emotional state even before the game has happened, you can regulate her nervous system by really saying name the emotion, acknowledge that emotion and praise her through that as it comes up. It would be the same Like what would you guys do if your daughter was afraid of heights and you knew that you, you know, had to, whatever, if you were staying on the seventh floor of a hotel and she had to? You know things happen outside of our control. How would you coach your daughter through a similar situation? It's a very real fear for them.

Speaker 4:

It is something I would, something I would probably emphasize in that situation too, is let her know hey, we're playing these girls, we're not playing that guy over there. He's not on the field, is he? He doesn't have a bat in his hand. And I would just like to say find the praise man If she throws two strikes and four balls. Be like man. Those two strikes were amazing. Those look great. Hey, baby, can you give me two more, just like that and emphasize those things right there. I'm really sorry your baby's going through that. I've, we've been down that road. It's not fun, but when they, but when you find those moments like hey, you're playing these girls over here, I played the girls, don't worry about that guy again, he's not on the field, but I know it's whole as a parent, though it's gut-wrenching as you're going through it, because you know your baby's going in the car and they're telling you and they're just unleashing every emotion they have. But again, praise, like I said, two strikes and if they out of 10 pitches me, I praise those two strikes.

Speaker 1:

I love that so awesome. Rachel. How you feeling about this?

Speaker 5:

I'm feeling pretty good, you know she's, she's really good at what she does. She just struggles with confidence and fear yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 4:

and pitching. Pitching is just one of those positions. It is the ultimate mind game, because I mean the ball's in your hand, everybody's watching.

Speaker 5:

And.

Speaker 4:

I mean she's.

Speaker 5:

She's gotten so much praise from so many coaches about her pitching. You know I'm, I'm, I'm. I used to be a pitcher myself. You know, I know it's hard. I know the mental game of it. Of it, I was terrified. I had the same fears as she did. My biggest fear was taking a line drive back at my face. We didn't have face masks back then. You know she's afraid of the ball coming back at her, so those big hitters intimidate her. But again she can strike them out. She's done it before. It's just getting her to acknowledge that in the moment and not fear it and just hit them straight on. You know it takes her a while to get there.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, keep, keep acknowledging how she's feeling.

Speaker 1:

Tell her that Right, and I'm sure you've had those conversations you like, babe. Girl, I have been in your shoes. You know you're not alone. And maybe a question too that you could ask her is hey, I was on this parent training and I had a couple of parents tell me that their daughters dealt with the same exact situation that you're dealing with right now. So you're not alone. And sometimes that can help too, because they feel shame and alone when they're like I'm never going to get over it, like I'm the only one that thinks this. They don't want to admit it to their teammates. I guarantee you some of their teammates have the same thoughts, but they're not, especially at 10, they're not talking about it. Well, maybe they are, it depends on how open your kid is we have we have these things called egos.

Speaker 1:

They start early, Very cool. Well, I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you just don't play that team too. That would be amazing, and that another.

Speaker 5:

I kind of do, but I kind of don't yeah, I want her to go right at them but at the same time mentally, like you say, they're still developing. And if that type of thing is going to mentally destroy her, because as good as she is at ball, I don't want her to quit, but if her mental game gets destroyed at this age, there's a chance and I just don't want to see that for her.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and telling her that too, like I'm here, this is my goal for you. I know that you can do this and just keep keep praising. I love Shane's advice on like in the micro moments of like this strike or this, you know, like even not even waiting until after the game, like, praise her in the moment for sure. Okay, you guys. Thank you Rachel. Thank you, rachel. I am going to sign off, but this is not the end. If you guys have follow-up questions, you're like, ooh, I should have asked this. You guys could even post in our Facebook group. We have parents that will post wins. We have parents that will post when they're struggling. And the cool thing is is that when you guys post in the Facebook group, I'm not the only one coaching you. Y'all are going to jump in and comment and say, hey, I dealt with that situation. Or, you know, you guys are going to give each other amazing advice too. That's the exact reason why this community exists. So, yeah, thank you guys so much for being here. You guys are troopers.

Speaker 1:

This is a big week, whether your daughter's done one or all the challenges. Like, we just want to really emphasize to the softball community that the mental game doesn't have to be hard, it doesn't have to be taboo and we can make it easy. Like we do everything step-by-step, we're constantly building resources, making our programs better, making our events better, making our paid paid programs better, our free events better, like, the feedback that we get from you guys is amazing. So keep leaning in, keep showing up for the challenges. You guys are awesome and I'm so proud of you guys for for making this a priority in your daughter's lives, cause it's they're going to hang up their cleats one day and they're going to be resilient, freaking, amazing women. So thanks for letting me share that with you guys. Appreciate y'all.

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Amanda Schaefer

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