The Social Spectrum

Today, we discuss the importance of making connections - why they are so important and why it can be challenging to connect. We also breakdown some of the misperceptions about introverts and extroverts and find the silver lining with strategies to make connecting with others easier.

Transcript

Marissa: Welcome to the Silver Linings podcast. I'm Marissa Whitaker. I work with students discussing the relationship between substance use and their well being.

Jen: And I'm Jen Talarico. I'm a senior mental health counselor. We work in Conley counseling and Wellness, and we are passionate about understanding the human condition.

Marissa: Sometimes life can be tough. This podcast acknowledges life's complexities by using an optimistic and humorous approach. Today's episode is going to dive into the importance of connections, why it's so important, why it can be challenging to connect, and some strategies to make connecting with others easier.

Jen: That's right. We crave being connected, even though we might not always feel that way. There was a recent MIT study that researched how our brains are actually hardwired for connection. It found that we crave social interactions in the same region of our brain where we crave food. And it also showed a similar study that we experience social exclusion in the same region of our brain where we experience physical pain. As time goes on, what does isolation do to our brain? Right. How does it change their perception of themselves, of the world? So it's a really interesting look into this importance of connection.

Marissa: So what does connection look like? Not to get all woo woo with love languages and things like that, which we are going to explore much further in another episode with attachment styles. But people want and need different things.

Jen: So I think that's a really important thing when talking about connection is how do we connect with others? And how are we connecting with them?

Marissa: Yeah.

Marissa: And especially, too, with, just as you said, what we want might not be what our significant other excels at. So, like, if you come home and you're ready to cook a meal for your loved one, but they were expecting some Gucci purse, like, you're going to be on two very different wavelengths with what we want, what we expect. And so having these conversations can be really helpful, too, right?

Jen: It goes into that idea of connection and compromise a little bit.

Marissa: If your idea of fun and connecting is to go smoke with your friends, but your significant other's idea of fun is to spend time with you, sometimes those two don't always balance out. So all that being said, a lot of our connections and languages can really change with the relationships that we have, right?

Jen: And this can really differ depending on what type of communication and connection we're using. So I think in our daily life, we use verbal communication through talking, written, such as texting, writing, posting, or messaging on social media, visual communication, posting pictures, online memes, using any imagery, and also nonverbal communication. So using body language, gestures, the tone of our voice, things like that. So I think on top of understanding how we're giving and receiving affection, it's also how are we communicating those things to others and then how many different people in our lives? So, as you mentioned, whether it's friends, our professors, our family, our coaches, it's so much to think about all in one day the different ways that we're trying to understand our needs, communicate our needs, understand others, and then how to connect with others. So I think we maybe don't fully appreciate on a daily basis just how much of this is going on in our brains.

Marissa: Yeah.

Marissa: And how you would respond, like, if you're about to flake on your friend, like, hey, girl, can't make it, you wouldn't send that in an email to your professor that something came up. And people connect on different levels, but sometimes who we are can make just the idea of connecting very different.

Jen: There's a misconception sometimes that it's much easier for certain personalities to be able to do all of these transitions seamlessly. Right. And it makes me think of introverts versus extroverts, for example.

Marissa: Yeah.

Marissa: So along that misperception line, I think we tend to think introverts, oh, they're shy, they're not sociable, they don't like people. They may be insecure. And then we have our extroverts who are loud, popular, attention seeking, confident, but that's not always the case. Even extroverts, they can also experience that regret, social anxiety and peer pressure.

Jen: Right. And with those misconceptions, do you think that this even happens right away? Initially, even with our first impressions of people? I think that sometimes within a brief encounter or a brief meeting, we think we automatically know so much more about someone than we might already know.

Marissa: Yeah.

Marissa: And I mean, trust your gut sometimes, because when people show you who they are, believe them. But think about all the different relationships we might miss out on because of what we first thought about somebody.

Jen: Right. So maybe connection isn't instantaneous. Can be, which is wonderful. But it's like finding what do we have in common? How can we connect, right. Not just writing people off right away.

Marissa: Yeah.

Marissa: That being said, I do take issues sometimes when people are like, you just have to get to know them. If I have to get to know somebody, to know that they're not an ahole. Also, first impressions are important because this might be what people think of you, too. So that's why being nice matters when.

Jen: We'Re thinking of the importance of connection. Maybe it's that message that sometimes it does take a little bit longer to connect with someone?

Marissa: Yeah.

Marissa: And sometimes you're just not going to connect with everybody. So you're not going to come to college and every single person is going to be my friend. You got to find your group of people. And sometimes it takes a little bit longer to find that group of people. But they're out there. I mean, there's 7000 people on this campus. Someone's going to have something in common with you.

Jen: We might be assuming that others that seem to have already established their people and have their group, that they're connecting on really deep levels, and maybe they are, which is wonderful. Or maybe they're just finding something to connect with people on. Like that comparison piece. Right. We can absolutely feel lonely and isolated, but that doesn't mean that no one else is experiencing those same things.

Marissa: Yeah, it's great when you can find someone and be an instant friend, but sometimes we don't have to divulge all of our deepest, darkest secrets, like the first time we meet somebody. So friendships and connections take time. It's not always right off the gate. We were best friends from the start, and that's great when you can find that. But sometimes you got to get to know people in order to make connections with others. So let's switch gears a little bit. Talking a bit about the differences between someone who's introverted and then isolation. Because sometimes people may isolate under the guise of being introverted, but it goes a little bit deeper than that.

Jen: So when looking at being an introvert versus isolation, an introvert really enjoys their time alone. That's where they find that they're reenergizing, touching base with themselves, or they're engaging in self care that really is important to their well being. Whereas if people are experiencing isolation, it's a very different experience. So isolation might be someone that does not want to be alone or being alone so much as getting to the point where it's really impacting their functioning and their mental health. We can enjoy our time alone, but then we also have that option to opt in to a social connection with others. It's different when you're isolated and you don't have that option to opt in anymore.

Marissa: That's a good point that you make, that isolation isn't always a choice. Sometimes that's just.

Jen: Yeah, I think when we look at a friend group, if you have more extroverted friends and there is an introverted friend or maybe a roommate, I think sometimes it's, oh, they're isolating. And that's not the same thing. I think it's understanding that they're recharging their battery, they're doing self care, they're connecting with themselves, which is a really healthy, positive, strong thing to be able to do. I think if we're struggling with being alone, maybe not isolated, but we just struggle to be alone. Like, we have to always be with other people. That can be a whole nother issue of looking at where's our confidence, where's our self worth, where's our self esteem? That's a whole separate thing. But I think understanding that when we use that word isolation, what does that really mean? And how significant of an impact does actual isolation, that lack of connection with others have on us?

Marissa: Yeah.

Marissa: And also, too, for perspective, is someone to an extrovert who gets their social battery charged by being around other people. Just because someone doesn't want to go out with you does not mean that they're isolating. Maybe they just need a minute. Where to an extrovert, it would be impossible to stay in your room all day and not talk to anyone. To someone who is introverted, they really might need that day to just get their bearing straight, to get caught up on things. So sometimes to not taking it personally because someone doesn't want to spend time with you, it doesn't mean they don't want to connect with you, but they just might not want to connect in that moment. So there really is a balance between everything.

Jen: Absolutely.

Marissa: But here's where isolation might become problematic and associated with mental health problems. This blew my mind when I heard this. Jen, are you ready? According to the National Institute on Aging, the health risks of prolonged isolation. So this is not just you spent the night in your room, but prolonged isolation is equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. That's three quarters of a pack. 15 cigarettes. Yeah. And furthermore, social isolation and loneliness have been estimated to shorten a person's lifespan by as many as 15 years.

Jen: Well, along with that, when we are isolating, I think of COVID Right? Everyone went through Covid. In those moments of isolation and despair, people were probably smoking more or drinking more or engaging in just maybe not the healthiest of coping. But it was coping. I certainly was hitting the snack food, junk foods. I think our stress response, right? Like we crave carbs or sugar or greasy food for certain reasons when things are going on with our body. But to compound that reaction and then hearing this data, I mean, just thinking, wow, how much of an impact that has on our current emotional and physical health. But then our long term physical and emotional health.

Marissa: Yeah.

Marissa: And this spans every demographic and age group. So if you're young and doing this, you could potentially be taking 15 years off of a full life ahead of you. But thinking too about our elderly populations where isolation is sometimes put upon you. Some people might not have 15 years that you're taking away precious time from somebody. So call your grandparents if you have them, call your older loved ones that connections no bounds as far as age. So you can connect with anybody.

Jen: We might not be thinking about that with our family or friends. We might not be thinking about connecting and we might not be thinking about how we're connecting. So I think you're absolutely really thinking about if I am feeling maybe like lonely or isolated, are there people that I can connect with?

Marissa: Yeah, because they might be lonely and isolated too. And for someone to take that first big step, to connect with somebody, that might be super easy for you to just be like, hey, what's your name? But for somebody who really struggles to connect, to come up with that first line of conversation, just be mindful of that, which is a really great segue into talking about how we can develop connections when we're on campus.

Jen: In looking at our college campus and most campuses, for example, there are a lot of events like right off the bat, starting with orientation week. And then no matter what year you are, and even if you're on campus, off campus, there are a variety of different clubs you could join. There's different teams, there's different sporting events that you can either participate in or go and be an observer at. The student life center has so many different whether it's working out, going to different classes that are there. And then there's also through our student government association, there's so many different programs and clubs that someone can join through those as well. Even academically. There's a lot of options as far as being a TA or maybe a GA, different options for connecting in different.

Marissa: Ways and then looking maybe at some of the social situations that extroverts may find themselves in. It's also important to respect introverts boundaries for wanting to be alone, as we discussed before, but also maybe helping them along in a social situation. If you see someone struggling, offer to start the conversation. Another thing, this drives me nuts. Don't take them to a party and then leave them there.

Jen: I agree with you completely. I think as a fellow introvert as well, sometimes we can seem really outgoing with the people we're comfortable with, but then you take us to a social setting where we don't know a lot of the other people or it's just a larger group. That doesn't mean we're going to be that same outgoing, extroverted in that moment person. Right. That introversion piece like you're saying, that can be incredibly uncomfortable. All of a sudden, we're taken to a space and kind of just left on our.

Marissa: Yeah, yeah.

Marissa: And another thing too. Don't put extra attention on the fact that someone is introverted. It's not like you have to start the conversation with Jen. She's shy. Just because someone's reserved also doesn't mean that they're shy. So keep that in mind.

Jen: Introvert sometimes, too, wants that extra time to think about how do I want to respond? And saying something like that can just completely throw everything off. All of a sudden, now we're in a defense mode. We're feeling uncomfortable. So I absolutely agree with you.

Marissa: Sometimes people, you find something that an introvert is well versed in, they'll talk your ear off about it, but you just have to find a way to connect. Introverts are my favorite people to connect with because I know that everyone has a story, everyone has something to say. You just have to crack that nut. So let's switch gears for our introverted friends who are listening. How can an introverted person make connections?

Jen: I think a big piece of this is realizing that it can be baby steps. You can just even smiling at someone, saying hello to an acquaintance, things like little compliments to get conversation going. Deep connection is wonderful, but we're talking about just not having isolation, like starting to really develop connections, and that can be on a small scale. So not having to be best friends with someone right after you meet them once. So thinking, what are our expectations and are they realistic? Realistic for the situation and for ourselves. Not putting too much pressure on ourselves. So again with that, relationships can take some time. Thinking, just what is something I connect with someone on? Are they wearing something that I like that I can compliment? Are there any other shared interests that someone mentions during a class or at an event or even a roommate, like your example from earlier? Maybe there's similar music interests or something like that. What's a way to connect that maybe feels safe? I think you made a great point earlier about not having to just jump into our childhood trauma to connect with someone. But what is a safe thing to connect with someone on? Another misperception we have about connection is, I think sometimes that it's just going to be there when it should be there. So, for example, if we're joining a team or a club, or we think we're going to be in a room with other people or experience something with other people based on something we have in common, and I think then we get disappointed when we don't connect. Right. I think it's really understanding that. What does connection mean? So connection is really feeling heard, feeling understood, feeling a sense of belonging with others.

Marissa: Just because baseball ties two people together doesn't mean that everything else about them is a match. It's almost like a Venn diagram of all of the connections that we have. You might overlap with some people on some things, and for other people, maybe baseball is the only thing that you have in common, and that's okay. Ride the connections out where you have them.

Jen: Spectrum of connection, maybe. That's a great way to think about it.

Marissa: Yeah.

Marissa: And that can get dicey sometimes, too, because when I talk to students, for some people, sometimes weed is the only connection that they have with each other, where it's like we have nothing in common. We wouldn't be hanging out, but we smoke weed together. And if you have your drinking friends or your smoking friends, and that's the only, literally only thing that you all have in common. When are our connections unhealthy connections, too?

Jen: Absolutely.

Marissa: So in an effort to make connections here on campus, club introvert is spearheaded by two introverts, us, where students can get to know each other in a time controlled setting, and you can leave whenever you want. We truly can find something to talk about with anybody we understand, but by.

Speaker D: The very nature of being an introvert, this might be something that you aren't interested in when you first hear about it, or maybe you are interested in it, but then when the time comes, you decide you don't want to do it. We've both been there several times, again, as introverts ourselves, where we're quick to cancel on a plan last minute. But again, as Marissa just said, this is going to be neutral, safe topics, and the whole point is to come together, make connections so we're not feeling lonely if there are times where we.

Jen: Are experiencing that, and we want to.

Speaker D: Make more connections here on campus.

Marissa: So now that we sold everybody on club introvert, stay tuned for some campus communicator emails showing you how you can get involved and join in. We will see you next time.