Live, Laugh, Leave - Attachment Styles and Love Languages

Do you ever feel like your significant other or your friends aren’t “speaking your language?” Today, we are discussing the five different love languages and the different styles of attachment that people experience. 

Transcript

Marissa: Welcome to the Silver Linings Podcast, I'm Marissa Whitaker. I work with students discussing the relationship between substance use and their well being.

Jen: And I'm Jen Talarico. I'm a senior mental health counselor. We work in Conley Counseling, and we are passionate about understanding the human condition.

Marissa: Sometimes life can be tough. This podcast acknowledges life's complexities by using an optimistic and humorous approach. 

Do you ever feel like your friends or significant others just aren't speaking your language? Have you ever noticed that you're dating a full blown clinger when you just want them to dial it down a few notches? Do you have that one person in your life who's always asking, what's wrong? Are you that person? Well, maybe you're not speaking the same language, your love language. Today we're discussing the five different love Languages and the different styles of attachments that people experience.

Jen: The five Love Languages were developed to describe how romantic partners give and experience love. So primarily for romantic relationships. But a lot of this can tie into all relationships in our life, whether they're friends, roommates, families, really, any loved ones or individuals that we're getting close enough with, where we're communicating. So the five Love Languages themselves are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

Marissa: I'm the woo woo police here. What's the science behind this?

Jen: Right? It can sound a little cheesy at first, I think, when we're talking about it. And I think the most important thing is by looking at this, it gives us a real chance to do some introspection. Are we aware of our own needs and how are we treating others? What baseline are we setting for what our expectations are from others? Are they aware of it? And are we aware of what they're looking for? As we're going through these, really? Please take a moment pause if you need to, and think about which love language you identify the most with yourself. And then think about those that are closest to you, your loved ones. Where are there overlaps where maybe you have the same love languages? Or where are there gaps where maybe you're both missing the mark on what you're looking for?

Marissa: All right, so our first one, Words of Affirmation. So this language uses words to affirm other people and where your words really holds value hearing I love you, I'm proud of you. Other compliments are how they feel valued the most.

Jen: The next one is quality Time. So this is where you're giving the other person your undivided attention and being there for them. So an example of this might be not being on your phone when you're with them, right? So there's no distractions, and you're really making it clear that 100% of your attention is on them. This is quality time. This is important. Where you want to be.

Marissa: Nothing is worse than thinking that you're spending time with someone and they're spending time with their phone so the next one is receiving gifts. You feel loved when you're receiving a tangible gift. So it's not so much being materialistic or liking expensive things, but it's the meaning and the thoughtfulness behind the gift that makes them feel appreciated rather than how much the gift cost.

Jen: Right. I think sometimes it reminds us they're listening. They know us because they know what we would like. So it shows that they really value us as a person.

Marissa: Exactly. And that doesn't have to be a gucci purse.

Jen: Acts of service. This is where you show your appreciation by doing a favor for someone. So this is where actions might speak louder than words. So an example of this might be that your roommate did the dishes or cleaned the apartment and you came home to that. I think over time, too, our love languages can change. So you might notice that at one point in your life, words of affirmation were really important, where maybe at another point in your life, acts of Service coming home and having something done, it just really shows that someone took the time. They thought about your time being important and wanted to make sure that they were showing you that level of respect. Yeah.

Marissa: I mean, just even kind of thinking back to the gift piece, like ten years ago, I would have loved getting money, presents, items. Now I would love to come home and the lawn is mowed. So different things change depending on where you are in your life. And the last love language that we're covering is physical touch. So this isn't just sexual, but handholding getting a hug or a kiss. People feel loved when they're having physical contact with a loved one. So that could just be like touching someone's arms. Again, it doesn't have to be something sexual.

Jen: Right. This is how that person is perceiving. Affection is by a sign of intimacy physically.

Marissa: Yeah. In some people in relationships, they don't like their hand to be held. They don't like that public display of affection. So just because you might not want those things in public or just because somebody might not be a physically affectionate person doesn't mean that they don't love you. They might be speaking the language that I cooked dinner for you every night, or like, we went out and I paid for the movie that we saw. So you can show love in a lot of different ways.

Jen: Right. I think this shows where sometimes there's right. Like we talked about, know, pausing this or taking a moment to think about where there might be gaps, and this is where that communication falls apart. I think, like you just said, Marissa, sometimes two people in a relationship, for example, might be thinking, well, I'm doing this and I'm not getting this, or I'm doing this, and they're not noticing that when you're both trying 100%, you're just not speaking the same language. Yes.

Marissa: Or like my significant other doesn't love me. They never say that they love me, but like, ****, they're working two jobs to be able to take you out to dinner when you guys go out every Saturday. So again, people love in a lot of different ways. They give love in different ways and they like to receive love in different ways, right?

Jen: So again, take a minute, please think about how you identify, maybe how some others identify in your life. And next we're going to go into attachment styles and look at the overlap between the two. So attachment styles help us understand ourselves and improve our relationships. Attachment styles are the foundation of our connection with others, where love languages are more how we express and receive love. Understanding our attachment styles will give us more insight into our behaviors and into our relationships and with our current or maybe our previous partner's behaviors as well. So there can be guidelines for healthy relationships for ourselves, or we can see red flags in this way as well. So attachment styles typically develop when we're young with how we attach to caregivers and others. And as we get older, they become more of how we perceive emotional intimacy, how we handle conflict, communicate our needs and our expectations of our relationships.

Marissa: Yes, and there are four different attachment styles. There's secure, dismissive, anxious, and disorganized. So hopping into the first one, people who are securely attached, they generally can handle conflicts pretty well. They have a healthy interdependent relationship with their partner, meaning that both you and your significant other can hang out with your friends separately without it being a problem. They're not calling every ten minutes to check in, like where are you? Who are you with? There's a sense of trust and forgiveness between the two of you. This person who is securely attached will also communicate their needs well, and then they also listen to their partner's needs. So it's not a one way street, it's what both of you think. And then they tend to be more empathetic and attuned to their partners and then they respond appropriately to that as well. Which might sound a little confusing now, but as we start talking about some of the less secure attachment styles, that appropriate response piece is really important. So let's talk. Jen, tell me about avoidant people.

Jen: Yes. So avoidant or dismissive attachment style. This often prioritizes autonomy or individuality being on our own versus the relationship itself. So individuals with this kind of attachment style might pull away and they don't depend on their partner, or at least not as much as they would in a secure attachment. They might not be comfortable expressing their emotions, but they do well with communicating intellectually. So it's not that they're not connecting, it's the emotional connection that's more difficult. They can often be very good in crisis situations, avoiding conflict and mainly just preferring to be alone. So an example of this is a dismissive partner may spend too much time alone, and then that ends up neglecting their relationship. So a person might perceive themselves as more independent and more secure in themselves, but the difference is their relationships suffer as a result. So they're often disengaged. They're detached, and they're not attuned to their partner or others in their life. So again, it might feel secure to the individual, but it is not when it comes to those other relationships around them.

Marissa: I'm going to put you on the spot for a second. What makes someone who's dismissive good in a crisis situation but not a crisis of their own relationship?

Jen: That's a great question. I think maybe because that individual isn't emotionally involved per se. I'm thinking if it's a crisis situation where maybe it's their friend or their roommate, logically they can connect very well in that moment. It might just be emotionally. They're not invested in it.

Marissa: Okay.

Jen: I'd be curious if they were part of the crisis, I think they would have a hard time emotionally being in that, if that makes sense.

Marissa: That does. And then I'm interested too. I wonder how many avoidant people love to give relationship advice but then may want to take heed of their own advice, right?

Jen: Like, logically, this is how we can talk about it. Absolutely.

Marissa: Yeah. So then on the complete flip side of that, we have our people who are anxiously attached. They're often so preoccupied with their partners, and their biggest fears are rejection and abandonment. They express needy behaviors and really desire that reassurance. So an example of this is anxious partner may constantly ask their significant other if they love them for reassurance. And this isn't like the memes. Like, would you love me if I was a piece of garlic bread? This is truly always needing that deep reassurance that everything's okay. And when things aren't okay and there's a high conflict, they take their partner's actions extremely personally. So sometimes there may be things going on in your partner's life that have nothing to do with you, but every time something comes up, it's, what did I do? How was this my fault? And then have some really poor boundaries. Also, sometimes anxiously attached people are unwilling to take accountability for their actions. They can be moody, unpredictable, and really, again, not attuned to their partner's needs. Which is interesting because people who are also avoidantly attached aren't attuned to their partner's needs, but they're on two very opposite ends of the spectrum. So this has kind of gone viral lately via TikTok and everything else I'm not a part of. But the whole concept of emotional monitoring, constantly checking in to see if someone's okay, and if they're not okay, they really take it upon themselves to try to make it better. So if there's something wrong in the relationship, if there's something wrong with your significant other, it's like, what am I doing? How can I fix this?

Jen: It sounds like a spiral.

Marissa: It does.

Jen: Yeah.

Marissa: And the snake eats its tail, especially if you're which we'll talk about in a minute. But if your significant other is avoidantly attached and you're anxiously attached, you're never going to get them to ask you every half an hour, what's wrong, what are you thinking about? That's just not who they are.

Jen: Right. They're already detached by nature. Absolutely. So again, as we mentioned above, thinking, where does communication have gaps sometimes. So the final type of attachment style is disorganized attachment style. So this is often where individuals might come from a place of unresolved trauma. They might exhibit substance use behaviors, anger, aggression, abusive behaviors, and they might be narcissistic. An example of this could be disorganized partners gaslighting their partner, where the partners are starting to question their own reality, their own feelings. Someone with a disorganized attachment style does not handle conflict well.

Marissa: Is this something for someone? Again, the piece that's really interesting to me is that unresolved trauma piece. So this isn't necessarily someone who wants to just avoid conflict, but they don't have that file in their brain computer to even compute conflict resolution, right? Is that what that is?

Jen: Right. I think that's that unresolved trauma piece, I think when it's not resolved, we struggle to even understand why is it there, where did it come from, how did it impact us? How is it currently impacting us on different levels, physically, emotionally, interpersonally, how is it impacting us? So that anger or aggression, that might not be purposeful, it might be a defense mechanism. It might be, depending on the trauma, how this person has learned to survive. So again, even with gaslighting their partners, obviously not a nice thing to do. But survival, this is what keeps them feeling safe in their attachment style. So it's there for a reason.

Marissa: Okay, no, that makes sense. And we are all products of our experiences. And so it's one thing if your experience is that you were left home alone every now and then as like a teenager. So you got lonely versus you never had a parent in the house to begin with.

Jen: Right. So again, these start when we're young. Right. So looking at relationships with loved ones, caregivers or lack of relationships with those individuals, really thinking about how did it foster where we were at or how did it change? Right? Like maybe we had a secure attachment style, something happened and it turned into one of these other types of attachment styles. So just like how love languages can change over time, so can our attachment styles.

Marissa: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense how that is almost in like a class of its own. So what do we realize if we're not securely attached? Probably that you're human. Because I feel like not everybody, you're fortunate to grow up in a situation where you are securely attached and then your relationships continue that way. But what if we don't end up in that situation.

Jen: Right. And I think sometimes we fall into that trap of comparing traumas. So we think like my worst trauma is nothing compared to what so and so went through, or it could always be worse, but that really minimizes what we go through also, right? So I think, yeah, but we're human, it'd be great if we were all securely attached. I don't know how often that really happens on some level, right? I think on some level, obviously we go through different traumas and it impacts us. So as we said earlier, attachment styles, they can change over time for that very reason. They can become healthier when we become more aware, or conversely, if we experience more trauma, it gets further away from that secure attachment. So really, understanding our attachment style can help us understand what changes we need to make so we can move closer to being healthier and more towards that secure attachment.

Marissa: Yeah, and I mean, some people might start off life having nothing but secure attachments and then it just takes one X to now push you into the anxious category or one relationship to now. I'm so avoidant so. Just because you're not secure now doesn't mean that you can't work towards being secure. But I think that having awareness of your attachment style can really help hold yourself accountable. So for example, you catch yourself avoiding conflict. What can you do to talk to your partner to resolve this problem? Or if you constantly prefer alone time and prefer that autonomy and independence, how can you move towards spending time with your significant other? Sometimes it's just like taking that first.

Jen: Step, right, and with that step, so once we have that foundational understanding of where are we at, what do we need to be healthy, that's where that love language piece that we talked about earlier can really come into that relationship. That can be a bonus in cultivating making those relationships stronger for ourselves and for others. Because we're aware now where's my attachment at and what do I need to make it healthier and how do I communicate and express that need? So I know it sounds a little complicated, but breaking it down step by step there can really help. And again, there are different combinations of attachments and love languages. And as we said earlier, they can continue to grow and change as we grow and change as well.

Marissa: Also to remember that just because one significant other may have been on the avoidance side, bringing that into new relationships, now you might feel like, well, that person made me anxious and it takes two in every relationship, but the next person you're with might be secure, they might also be anxious. So every relationship that you have, that attachment style is going to kind of fluctuate.

Jen: Yeah, it gets really interesting to look at ourselves and think, if I am an anxious attachment, maybe that's why I gravitate towards words of affirmation maybe I want that to fill versus if I'm more of an avoidant personality, is that where maybe physical touch is not up my alley because I avoid emotional intimacy? So it's interesting to think and again, there's no right or wrong and there's all sorts of combinations and they all make sense individually. But it's interesting to start looking at how do these intertwine and then for our loved ones to understand them more, thinking, what have they been through? Maybe that makes sense, why they have a certain attachment and why they express love languages a certain way.

Marissa: Because if you're with someone who grew up in a household where maybe their parent or caregiver never said I love you to you, how would they know that that's something that you like? That was something they never experienced. So, again, we're products of our experiences, and sometimes those experiences aren't the same experiences that our significant others and loved ones have had too, right?

Jen: So they differ in so many significant ways. So how we perceive and deal with closeness and emotional intimacy, our ability to communicate our needs and emotions to others, our ability to listen and understand emotions and needs of others, how do we respond to conflict and, yeah, our expectations for our partners, for relationships in general, for ourselves.

Marissa: So some things to leave everybody with. Do you identify with any of these attachment styles? Could you identify your friends and loved ones? Like, where are we talking? You're like, oh, my God, that's so my boyfriend, or that's so my girlfriend. Whether these are your current or your past partners, is there a pattern that we start to see with some of this stuff? And then if there is a pattern, what role are you playing in that? Whether it's good or things that we all need to improve on, what can you do to make the relationships in your life better? So that's all we have today.

Jen: We'll be really anxious if you don't come next week. We need Affirmations, so if you could send us email else.

Marissa: Yes, and our love language is positive Affirmations, so you know our email. All right, well, thank you for tuning in and we will see you all next time.