Finding Joy: A Self-Reflective Journey

Growing up, joy was elusive to me. It was a misunderstood feeling, one I unconsciously mistook as a reward from external sources rather than a state of being. My strained relationship with joy saw me board a plane to Mexico with a one-way ticket, uncertain but hopeful. I was guided towards an ayahuasca ceremony, an event that reshaped my perception and gave me an opportunity to unlearn my conditioning and reclaim my joy.

My journey didn't stop in Mexico. Back home in the US, I embarked on a self-reflective odyssey, confronting my own shadows and traumas. It was through this process of self-discovery that I mastered the art of re-parenting myself, realizing the power of compassion and understanding. I learned how to tap into a core wound in my Human Design and Gene Keys, and unlocked an energetic passion that I now use to serve others.

Trust me, the journey to joy is challenging yet fulfilling. Through my story, I hope to inspire you to embark on your own journey of self-discovery, to recognize your potential, and to become a source of joyous light for others.

Look up your free Gene Keys profile: https://myhumandesign.com/
Look up your free Human Design Chart: https://genekeys.com/free-profile/
More on Gate 58: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWvf9mjCh4c
Human Design Reading & Blueprint: https://nina-elise.com/offerings/

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Welcome to the Receptive Impact Podcast. I'm your host, nina Elise. Hello friends, I am so excited that you are joining me for yet another podcast episode. I am currently sitting in my pajamas it is 11 pm at night.

Speaker 1: 0:20

I am such a night owl and I felt this need to record a podcast about joy, which may be something that you experience or don't experience in your life, and I just really wanted to share my journey with joy, or my journey back to joy. It's something that has felt very elusive to me for a very long time for most of my life actually and it's something that I have really journeyed back into the last few years and I'm going to say I fought for my joy, but I was definitely a big seeker of my joy and let me tell you, it was quite a trek to remember the joy that has always lived inside of me, and it required peeling back many, many layers. And I really want to share my story because I feel like this is something that many people really struggle with and it can really manifest as shadows of dissatisfaction in our lives and just a lack of energy, and these can be very unconscious, sabotaging patterns within ourselves that we're just not aware of, and a lot of this can come from conditioning and childhood and traumas and not being kind to ourselves or speaking kindly to ourselves, and there's a lot of things that can help along this journey of re-finding your joy within yourself. And it's probably way easier than the path that I went on, but we all go through different life lessons in order to really deeply embody different things and this has been one of my favorite, most challenging journeys that I have really ever been on. So I'm just going to kind of start from the beginning and kind of just go through my process of why joy was so elusive to me and the adventures and the experiences that I went on or what I experienced, in order to really come back to and rediscover this place of joy within myself and how it has shifted and changed, and the different tools and the modalities that I have used on that journey. So, to get started, I would say this begins in childhood, obviously, because that is where most of our conditioning and our trauma happens and things that kind of just we're taking in.

Speaker 1: 2:51

We're just like a sponge at a young age and it was definitely the environment and the people that I was around that it was really difficult for me to experience true happiness or joy. That was sustained because there was so much shame and anger and hate in the environments that I was in growing up. Not that it's like a bad thing, this is just part of my journey. I'm not angry about it, I'm not upset about it. It's just the experiences that I had from a child growing up into adulthood and how it kind of just stuck with me because there was so much conditioning around like, oh, you can't be happy or there's something wrong with you, and I basically learned how to create I created this like internal dialogue that was meant to obviously keep me safe from being hurt or by other people or external things, or to protect myself, because if I was happy, then something bad would happen and then I would be punished.

Speaker 1: 3:54

And so I learned how to not trust that inner joy or that inner light within myself and I began to place it on external things so that could be like oh, something good happened, okay, then I feel really joyful and it felt really good, but then something bad would happen and I would get caught up in that and I didn't know how to manage the roller coaster of emotions and I didn't have like a really great role model for understanding that joy actually comes from the inside and that it's something stable that can be accessed at any time and it's not dependent on anything external. And so from my childhood leading up into like middle school and high school and college, it was like there's this dullness and this lack of vitality and energy within myself because I was so protective of myself and so absorbed in like myself and my pain and that fear of the ball constantly dropping and just always placing, you know, my happiness on these external things outside of myself and I just I felt like I was constantly trying to please others and it was just like this whole part of myself that became almost like this identity and it was like I almost felt like I was like Eeyore in a sense. I was just like really depressing and it was really difficult for me to have like sustained happiness and this feeling of like joy or lightness and it was almost like I was just like never satisfied and it came to a point, like probably in my late 20s, where I had everything that I wanted. You know, I was living in Florida, I loved where I lived, I had like the best partner, but there was always like something wrong. Like I always placed my joy on the external and when it shifted in the slightest I just became this complete mess and then my joy like suddenly disappeared around. Like in my late 20s I really started down this path of exploring plant medicine and like the self-development, and actually I would say in my mid 20s I kind of really started exploring all of this. And it wasn't until my early to mid 30s that I really began to learn how to manage my emotions and to start to slowly peel back these layers of conditioning and these layers of dirt that were really covering and like preventing me from accessing and tapping into this joy that I had within myself. And so last year when I went to Mexico, basically I got and let go of my job, I was no longer in a relationship and I was like what am I going to do with my life? What do I do with my life? And still kind of feeling that feeling a dissatisfaction and dullness of like what is my purpose? Like where do I go from here? And so I bought a one way ticket to Mexico, being like maybe if I travel around something will click or you know, something will happen. And I was kind of really shown the process of this.

Speaker 1: 6:46

I ended up sitting in an ayahuasca ceremony, something I was not expecting at all. Like all the years that I've done and worked with Playa Medicine, I was like, all right, I'm good, I need to integrate for a while and I don't necessarily need to go drink medicine in order to like get answers. I wanted to find the answers within myself and I wanted to not have to rely again on something external. Obviously, it was very aware of this, like placing a lot of things on my external, and I really wanted to figure it out for myself. So when I sat in this ayahuasca ceremony it was definitely like very divinely guided, with these incredible shamans, and in the ceremony I was basically shown the process of how to come back to my place of joy and it was my guiding light.

Speaker 1: 7:28

So when you sit in ceremony, you set an intention and you need to create, or you want to create, some sort of anchor. If you start to get caught into, like loops or like you know, scary parts of your ceremony, you want to have that anchor that you always come back to, and so for me, that was joy. Joy was the word for me. Like I want to find my joy, like where can I find my joy? And that became kind of like my guiding light in the ceremony and while I was in the ceremony I was shown like my pathway back to joy and it required my heart cracking open just several times, and not just in the ceremony but in the year following. So it's like I was shown what I was going to experience in the following year in that ceremony. I just didn't realize it at the time.

Speaker 1: 8:12

So, coming out of that ceremony, coming back to the US, basically experiencing like the spiritual awakening and where my heart just cracked open and it was just like constantly over and over again, just where I really began to experience deep attachments that needed to be released and it just helped guide me to a deeper place of self trust and a lot of things began to shift internally and I began to search for my joy or be in to see like glimmers of my joy there and I really had to wade through a lot of my shadows and go into, like my deepest traumas and conditioning in order to really scrape back the layers of dirt that were covering the purity of this joy that just has always resided within me. It was just difficult for me to see or to accept or embrace, because I had so many fears around allowing myself to feel happier, to have joy. And as I went down this path over the past year, it became so apparent to me how prominent this was in my human design chart and my Jean Quy's profile. So if you're not familiar with these, I will talk about this in future episodes. But basically your human design is based on the Aicheng and astrology and the Kabbalah and the Hindu chakra system and quantum physics and if you have your exact birthday and time and location, it'll basically spit out this chart for you and it shows you different skills and strengths and shadow aspects of yourself. So it's almost like this blueprint of who you are and like the highest gifts that you embody within that are coded within your DNA and also where your poor shadows may lie. And this actually goes hand in hand with Jean Quy's.

Speaker 1: 10:01

And as I went through the Venus sequence last year and also this year, my core wound, which is my unconscious Mars, was dissatisfaction in GeneKey 58, which is like the biggest joke of all, because gate 58 in human design is called the gate of joyous and discovering that this was like my core wound in my gene keys. It was just like, of course it is. And when I say core wound, it's basically the end of the Venus sequence that you go through in the gene keys and it's basically like this collective shadow that you come to transcend in this lifetime, something that you're imprinted with before you're even born, and so this is actually something that you're meant to really transcend in your lifetime and that requires going through difficult situations and like going through the journey in order to uncover this. So the shadow is dissatisfaction and as you transcend that, you move into a gift, the gift of vitality, and the city or the higher vibration or the higher frequency of this. This gene key is bliss or joy. So this is since it's in your unconscious Mars.

Speaker 1: 11:11

Your core wound is in unconscious Mars. This is actually an energy resource that matures over time, so there can be a lot of immaturity in your unconscious Mars. So really understanding this was incredibly helpful for me to reflect back on my entire journey, my relationship with joy in general. Whether you have this gate in your, your gene keys or your human design or not, this is actually something that already resides within your DNA. So these are things that you can actually experience yourself, and it doesn't necessarily have to be like something prominent in your gene keys or your human design, but it is something like a theme for you that you can explore as well. This just happens to be more prominent in my profile, and so it's something that I'm just reflecting on and seeing just the irony, like just how funny it is that this has like showed up in my life and the way that it is, and this is how I've like discovered it.

Speaker 1: 12:04

And so, coming out of that like reflection with human design and gene keys, it was more of like okay, instead of saying in that dissatisfaction and saying I'm dissatisfied with myself, where is this like shaming? Where am I not being kind to myself? And instead of seeking that externally and trying to fix things and like blaming things external for my dissatisfaction, I decided to turn that inward and that's where the seeking went to like that's where I ran into my shadows and where I ran into like all of the traumas and all the dirt and the crowd. That was like covering up my joy. And as I started to scrape back that, it was like I began to see more and more and have access to that joy and begin to trust it. So, alongside with like inner child work and and really learning how to sit with those parts of myself and not be afraid of them and learn how to say like okay, it is actually really safe to feel happy, it is safe for me to feel joy and it actually resides within me.

Speaker 1: 13:03

And I began to believe that in this process, as I began to honestly heal, but in my journey of like really transcending that shadow aspect, that dissatisfaction. So how could I actually transform that into vitality, into energy? Because I really began to see where I really lacked energy and passion and wanting to be of service to others in my life and I saw it was because I was so self absorbed in the dissatisfaction of my external reality and even my internal reality, and so a common theme for me has been like low energy over the years and as I've shifted more from that shadow of dissatisfaction and said how can I shift this into more of like a game? How can I shift this into my need for improvement, into something that actually helps somebody and helps other people? And when I release the need to perfect everything, external and internal, I can shift my attention to actually helping others and this is where I will actually experience vitality and energy and passion in my life. And so this was like a really big turning point for me to notice that, as I reflected back on that external journey and then also my internal journey, and so I'm seeing how I'm shifting. It's not that like, oh, I'm going to have passion and I'm going to go help somebody else because I really want to. It's more of like, no, I'm going to go help somebody else and that is what's going to bring that vitality and that energy into my life. And so this is something that I've really become more aware of and really sat in contemplation with. It's like, ok, where can I implement more of this?

Speaker 1: 14:36

And the joy itself has become so not dependent on anything. And it's like there's more of this purity within myself that I can say, oh my gosh, I can feel joy in any moment, like in really difficult moments that other people would probably be having like absolute breakdowns in. I'm sitting there and I'm just chuckling at the hilariousness of the situation and the perfection of every moment. And I know I'm human and I'm not perfect and I'm not like that in every single moment. But it's been a series of, like you know, awakenings and softening for me to get to this place and I'm noticing more and more where I'm just sitting in meditation and I just have like these bubbles of joy that just come up and I'll just sit there and I'll cry because I just feel happy and I feel like so free because I am now allowing myself to feel that and because I have done that work to feel that within myself and to not allow the external to dictate whether I feel joy or have joy or anything like that I've been able to come back into myself and to be able to connect with that part of myself that was always there, which is covered up with dirt and all that old stuff, and now that it's a little bit more clear, I'm like, oh, it's there and it feels so good to like feel liberated in that sense.

Speaker 1: 15:56

And so now it's like I'm having all of this energy that's really bubbling up and saying, okay, like where am I gonna put my energy? Where am I gonna put my attention and how can I like really fully step into this joy? And right now I'm in that process of having all of this energy come up and I'm wanting to do more work with nonprofits and do more volunteer work with these local organizations, and I just feel this like deep energy and vitality and this joy to do that work with them. And I'm learning how to basically channel that energy, that passion that's coming up through me because my body has kept it like dormant for so long. And it's almost like this very intense experience where I'm like, oh my gosh, I only wanna sleep three hours every single night because there's so many things that I wanna do. And it's like this, really like.

Speaker 1: 16:43

It feels like this mystical experience when you really start to move out of you know, that shadow aspect of dissatisfaction and come into that vitality and even getting glimpses of that higher frequency of the city, which is bliss, and so it's like moving in between all of these different frequencies.

Speaker 1: 17:01

It's just showing me how like, how simple it is and all of the blocks just reside within us. And when we have that courage to go within and say, oh, okay, this is what's blocking me, and being able to have that courage to sit with whatever is coming up and be so radically honest with yourself and say this is where you know I'm blocking myself, or this is where I'm being tripped up, or this is where I need to take responsibility for my own unhappiness, and so it definitely is a journey for every single person and it's gonna be different for every single person, but I would say that my journey back to joy has been like the most, like the biggest roller coaster ever, but it has been literally like the most joyous experience to look back and reflect on like the perfection of it and like the lessons and how I actually, you know, got to this point in my life where I'm able to access this within myself and not allow my mind or those old thoughts or anything to consume me anymore, and I've shifted to a place of thoughts that are more kinder and more gentle and I'm not so hard on myself, and it's almost like I learned how to come back to my joy through a series of like constantly re-parenting myself and doing that inner child work and saying it's actually safe to feel happy and it's safe for you to be kind to yourself, and so anytime I have these thoughts where I'm like doubting myself or having these like mean thoughts towards myself, or saying I'm a failure, like whatever may come up throughout the day, I'm like, no, this is not acceptable, like everything is okay, you're perfect how you are, who you are and where you're at, and there's no need to judge or be hard on yourself. And being able to shift that narrative over the past year, it's like it's a lot of work because you're becoming aware of these unconscious patterns that are constantly repeating over and over again. So you're having to reprogram those neural pathways within your mind to access these higher states or these higher frequencies that reside within you, but they just need to be shifted and unlocked when we have that expanded self-awareness. So that has been my journey, with joy.

Speaker 1: 19:15

I hope that it has been helpful in some way to you to know that it is possible to make this journey and to come out on the other side, and to know that it's okay to be human and it's okay that we go through these dark periods of time. I mean, I'm in my mid-30s and I'm just now really starting to shift and move into these other states that I hadn't allowed myself to for most of my life, and so whether you're 15 or 20 or 25 years old or you're 60 years old, it doesn't matter. Like your journey is so unique and once you move past that heaviness or the shadow aspects that are preventing you from stepping into your joy, it's just going to make that contrast like that much more satisfying and helpful and also like so potent, in order for you to help guide other people and to be this joyous light to them as well. And your journey is just so important and so needed for every single person on this planet to transcend these shadow aspects, because it's like you're not just doing it for yourself, you're doing it for the collective, because as you shift and change, your external reality shifts and change, and the way that you interact with other people changes, because your frequency has risen up and has shifted and changed, and so you're able to impact other people because of that work and that journey that you have gone on for yourself. And it's so incredibly beautiful and it's so divinely perfect when you really look at it from that perspective. So I think that is all that I have to say about joy and my journey to joy.

Speaker 1: 20:48

If you liked this episode, if there was something that was really potent for you, it really stood out or stuck with you, I would love to hear your thoughts on that. So feel free to reach out to me, share this episode with a friend or a family member, or share on social media. Your support just means the world to me. And if you haven't already, don't forget to leave a review about what you loved about this episode or what you love about the show, or an insight that really stuck with you after listening. This really helps my podcast be seen and heard by so many more people.

Speaker 1: 21:22

And if you'd like to stay in loop where the new episodes go live, click on the link in the description to sign up for my mailing list On my website, nina-alisacom. I send out newsletters once or twice a month, just letting you know when a new episode goes live. There's, I think, I'm posting every two weeks. That's the cadence that I'm trying to stick to, and so, yeah, and all that I discussed today in human design and gene keys, I will actually post notes in the description as well, so that if you're interested in that and you want to explore your own gene keys and your human design, it's completely free to look it up. So I will post the links in the description.

Speaker 1: 21:59

If you have any questions or you want to go a little bit deeper, you can go to my website at nina-alisacom and I create something called a human design blueprint that goes a little bit more depth in depth and teaches you how to look at your chart and embody those aspects and look into your shadows and kind of go down that rabbit hole of getting to know yourself and expanding your self-awareness. And then I also do one-on-one sessions with people to go more in depth into your chart and then also do monthly mentorships with people if you want to go a little bit deeper. If there's something that you're struggling with or you're going through crisis and you just need a little bit of support along the way, I'm also here to help you with that and I'm here to help and support in all of the ways. And I just again want to thank you all for tuning in and, yeah, I will talk to you all in the next episode. Bye, guys.