Pride Stories: The Podcast

Pride Stories: Feeling At Home in Queerness with Montana

• Katie Beedy and Tellwell Story Co. • Season 1 • Episode 3

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What does it take to feel truly, wholly at home in one's identity?

In this deeply personal episode, we explore a journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance. Montana shares their experience of coming to terms first with their sexuality, then again with their gender identity. From the initial confusion about their identity to the eventual euphoria of donning their first suit, this podcast episode delves into Montana's story of discovery and growth.

Ultimately, this podcast episode reminds us all that it's okay to be authentic and true to ourselves, even when faced with challenges or uncertainties.

Speaker 1:

Those like little moments where queerness just shines through for me. That's where I feel the most full, that's where I feel so myself, and I think that's how I know that queerness is just such a big part of me is because if that's where I feel so truly me, that's where I'm supposed to be.

Speaker 2:

Welcome to Pride Stories, the podcast, where we celebrate the entire spectrum of experiences that make up the LGBTQ plus community. I'm your host, Katie Beatty from Tell Well Story Co and Studio On this podcast. We are committed to creating a safe, supportive and inspiring space for our guests and listeners alike, so join us as we explore the heartwarming, sometimes painful and always inspired stories that make us who we are Today. I am joined by Montana Meyer. Hi, Montana, thank you so much for joining me on Pride Stories the podcast. How are you feeling coming into this conversation?

Speaker 1:

I am feeling excited, a little nervous, but everything good.

Speaker 2:

So, to start off with, I just want you to tell me about yourself, whatever that means to you. Who is Montana?

Speaker 1:

Hi, I'm Montana. I live in Fargo, North Dakota. I've been here for like three years now. I grew up in South Dakota.

Speaker 2:

Fun.

Speaker 1:

Something like that. It's weird to me that I moved from South Dakota to North Dakota but here I am. What's weird about that? Not what I would have expected at all and I'm kind of surprised I'm still here, but the longer I stay, the harder it is to leave North Dakota.

Speaker 2:

like has that effect on us for some reason.

Speaker 1:

It's a good place, which I didn't expect, but that's a good thing. Yeah, I've been in downtown Fargo for like two years now. I love it, I love the people, I love the community. It's great. I guess I'll get right into like pride stuff. I came out my senior year of high school and I didn't really know what that meant at the time. But I knew that it meant queer and I guess I still kind of stick with that. But more recently, queer has expanded from just like sexuality to gender as well. For the longest time I was thinking, oh, I'm going to have to deal with this eventually, like I'm going to have to like look into this, figure it out for myself, and that's like been something more recently. That's been like really forward in my life. So that's kind of what I'm doing right now. So this podcast is kind of at a really good time for me to speak on this, because it's a place that I've been personally looking through and I think it's time for me to like publicly show that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's so cool and I'm so excited that you are choosing to use this podcast as an opportunity to do that and that you're trusting us with that, so thank you. You mentioned coming out. Can you walk me through that story what that was like for you?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, the story is kind of weird not weird, but it's interesting. I knew for like a while but I wasn't out to anyone. I came out to one friend, but other than that I was. Nobody knew. Well, they probably did, but this one night I went to a haunted house with the only friend that knew and I was like so scared I'm still scared of everything scary, which I guess makes sense.

Speaker 2:

I know that I like can't watch scary movies. I'm such a baby about it.

Speaker 1:

No, I refuse, I will not. But I go to this haunted house. I'm like, okay, I could do that. Why don't I just like keep going? So I went home and told my parents and they were great, they were really accepting. My dad told me that I needed to find a new way to come out to people and I was like, okay, rude but fair. But other than that, everything was like smooth sailing, which I'm really lucky for. I'm really grateful for my family being like that.

Speaker 2:

So at that time, what were you coming out? As Gay, bisexual? What language were you using at the time?

Speaker 1:

At the time I think I was just using gay because that's like the easiest to just throw in.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's kind of like an umbrella term.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. Yeah, I feel like it's kind of how I feel about queer now, Like it's just kind of oh, I'm here in this space. That means whatever I want it to and you can take it however you want to. So what was scarier the haunted house or coming out to your parents? Honestly, probably the haunted house.

Speaker 2:

It was so scary. That's good. That's a good thing, true? Okay, so that was like your first coming out. Walk me through your pride journey from there until now.

Speaker 1:

I guess after that I started slowly coming out publicly and I had a partner that I started dating shortly after that. So that was an easy way to be like, hey, I'm with someone that's not a boy. And it was tough with school a little bit. Not necessarily school, but mostly I was in hockey and I don't think anyone meant anything negative. But there was some locker room talk that was just tough to hear, with them not knowing who I was Jokes about queer people and everything.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, jokes, just slurs, yeah. So that was, like I think, the toughest place to be like, okay, these people are going to have to know I see them every day, they say these things, but I have to show up as who I am, like I'm not going to hide this part of my life from anyone. So I think that was like the toughest part for a little while there. And then coming up to college was scary again, just meeting new people in general and then not knowing how people are going to like act towards me, and that's something I still kind of deal with a little bit, especially going to a new place. I think about it. I think a lot more than someone that's more cis-appearing would.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, because I mean all of us before we go to a new place, or I don't know. Maybe not everyone has anxiety, but all of us before we go to a new place we're thinking about like, oh, what are people going to think about this, what I'm wearing? Or are they going to think that my laugh sounds funny? But then I'm sure there's a whole added layer of that, when it's like I don't know if these people are going to recognize my gender and existence the way that I want them to.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and they don't always. It's tough going out to places that I just don't feel comfortable, but it happens and like I just deal with it and I'm there for myself, so then I can do anything, because that's not going away.

Speaker 2:

So in those times when you are nervous about, like, the situation where you're in, or you don't think you're being perceived the way that you want to be perceived, how do you cope with that?

Speaker 1:

Honestly, a lot of time I make a joke of it because it's kind of funny to me. I'll get called sir. I'm like, hello, I tricked you. Or I'll get called ma'am and I'm like, oh, I tricked you, it's a trick either way. Yeah, for real, it's funny usually. Sometimes it's a little less funny and I just kind of remove myself as much as I can, but most of the time people mean well, and I'll just laugh it off If it's like the right setting up, like hey, not so much. This is how I'd like to be addressed, but some situations are so quick that you just kind of move past it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, have there been some of those hard conversations where you've really had to address it with someone and have those conversations gone for you?

Speaker 1:

Nothing has been super intense or difficult. A lot of the conversations I haven't had yet I'm in the very beginning stages of this coming into gender queerness or wherever I'm going and like sharing that with everyone around me is very new. Specifically like pronouns, I've always been so far like in my life. I've always been like she, her or the past couple years, she, they, she is how people have always seen me, so that's how they would address me and that was fine. And now I'm questioning that a little bit more. But I haven't been super forward about hey, that's not how I want to be addressed, it's mostly just when people are like sir well, no, like you're not wrong, but you're also not right.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1:

Exactly. But there was one time I was with my dad and we got called gentlemen. He just like got, went silent. He's like oh, my goodness, what am I supposed to do right now? He was like does it happen to you a lot? And I'm like, yeah, kind of, and I think that was really tough for him because he didn't know, like, what to do. He didn't know what to say, but it was normal for me almost, but it was tougher to have him witness that and be so unsure about what to do. So that was. He asked some questions after that and I was like okay, we can talk about this. And that was like probably the most in depth. I went into this conversation so far specifically with him.

Speaker 2:

So what language are you using now to describe your sexuality and your gender Queer across the board just pretty much.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I'm feeling out how things are like, what they, what they feel like. Do they feel right, do they feel not so right? And that's just like where I'm at right now. I've been kind of thinking about non binary in the back of my mind, but right now queer just feels the most embracing, is the most whole part of me that feels right for right now.

Speaker 2:

I love that. So what is queerness to you Like? What does that feel? How does that show up for you?

Speaker 1:

Queerness is such a big part of me. Queerness is like how I move through the world. It feels so warm to me, for my generation and not even everyone in my generation. It's such a new thing for us to be like, oh, this is good, this is like cool, this feels fine, versus like I think a lot, like a lot earlier it wasn't so fine, like it was something that you had to hide or if you didn't, you had to deal with a lot of hate and struggle. And don't get me wrong, that's still around and I feel it, but definitely not as much as I feel the love and the embracement from the community. It's crazy. I like don't know. I don't know what anything else feels like. Especially, I feel like Fargo has just such a beautiful community and I feel so welcome to you.

Speaker 2:

Nice. Can you say more about that and what that community looks like to you, the experiences that you've had, because that isn't the experience for everyone here. I mean, we just had in the news like there was a hate crime downtown and people don't think of Fargo as queer utopia. So tell me what it has been like for you.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's definitely not queer utopia, but I spend a lot of time downtown and I worked downtown in a place that a lot of people would go to and I saw a lot, a lot of people and it really shocked me how queer this city is. There are just so many people and the more people I met, the more people I was like oh wow, this is so cool, I am not alone in this. There's just so many people that I know I can turn to and be like hey, this is a struggle that I'm having that's related to this and I talk to you about it. What do you have to?

Speaker 2:

say, are there particular spaces or people or communities, groups that have been especially welcoming to you in Fargo and that have supported you in your pride journey?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, youngblood was a big place that you just see so many people like so many different kinds of people, and everyone was always so welcoming and just nice. They were happy to be there and I felt happy to be there too and serve them and talk to them, and so there were just so many faces that I started to recognize around town. I mean I couldn't go anywhere and not see anyone and so and I love it, it's great. My friends now are surprised at how many people I know and I'm like you know, everyone drinks coffee.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, just work at a cool coffee shop downtown.

Speaker 1:

You'll make a lot of friends For real. So that was a big place that I mean. That's where I met so, so, so many people. So I think that's like a big reason. But also I started, I started school again this past semester and I'm at NDSU for art education and I love it. I love, love, love it and there's so, so many good people there.

Speaker 1:

It blew my mind, quite honestly, like my dad kept like saying he's like well, like college, you're going to meet so many like cool people. You're going to meet your best friends. I was like, okay, whatever, that's what dad said. But then I went and I was like he's right, but in the best way, everyone there is so, so sweet, so kind, so welcoming, so cool, and that's definitely a space that I can just relax into myself. And I think, specifically, there is where I've become more comfortable with myself and like letting other people see what that looks like, which is so cool and like kind of weird to think about Going back. I mean like I wasn't showing my full self or didn't even know it my full self before, but it's been crazy and crazy cool.

Speaker 2:

I want to hear a story or stories of just queer joy for you, times where you have felt like really present in your queerness and you said earlier, like whole.

Speaker 1:

The one that popped in my mind, like when you said that I went to a gala so fancy for school in March. And I'll preface this by saying for the past three years, maybe I've really, really, really wanted a suit like so bad. I just could not let it go and I was like Mom, I'm going to a gala, I need to get a suit. This is hands down. I just need one. So I got one and I wore it to this gala and I felt so unstoppable. I was like this is right, this is what I'm supposed to be wearing.

Speaker 1:

I've never liked wearing dresses. Since I was a kid I can remember like just not wanting to wear them, but like having to for family pictures and Christmas and like whatever. And I was like this sucks. I remember, specifically in like middle school I was like I only want to wear sweatpants. Mom, you can't make me wear a dress, you can't make me. But she did because it's middle school. But having this time where I'm supposed to dress up and I get to dress up in the way that feels right was just complete joy. That's like all I felt. It was so freeing that's so special.

Speaker 2:

I love that. Have you had other opportunities to bust out the suit?

Speaker 1:

Not yet, but I'm so excited. I've debated on like just going around town in a suit because I have one and I can.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I mean, may as well. True, other people are walking around in suits, you can too.

Speaker 1:

So true, catch me out around town in a suit, and if I'm wearing one, don't question me.

Speaker 2:

Just know that I am full of joy, so true. Are there other stories like that that you think of positive, or also stories where you've had a harder time?

Speaker 1:

My senior year of high school, I cut my hair short. Well, I cut my hair short for freshman year of high school too, and grew it back out because it was tough. Everyone goes through their awkward hair days, but that one Mine were pretty bad from grades three through today. But I cut it short and people noticed and they were like what are you doing?

Speaker 1:

that looks gay and I was like, oh, oh, no, that's not what this is. And I grew it back out because I was scared, as you are as a queer kid sometimes. But then I cut it short again my senior year of high school and I was like, okay, this is cool, this is good, I like this, I like the way this makes me feel. And I've kept it short ever since. And I remember there was a one haircut I got two years ago and it was kind of like trendy at the time. I still kind of have it, but it's a little different.

Speaker 2:

Are you talking like the kind of like shaved or like buzzed downside?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, the gay mullet, yeah, but subtly. And when I got it I was like oh no, I'm unstoppable. Y'all need to watch out. I'm walking down the street, you better move.

Speaker 2:

Catch me with my gay mullet and my gay suit Just walking down the gay street.

Speaker 1:

Exactly, exactly, those like little moments where queerness just shines through for me. That's where I feel the most full, that's where I feel so myself, and I think that's how I know that queerness is just such a big part of me. Thank you is because if that's where I feel so truly me, that's where I'm supposed to be, absolutely that's such a good way of putting that.

Speaker 2:

I think we should all have that mentality of just trying to always exist, obviously when it's safe for us to, in the way that makes us feel most full and makes us feel most complete. I feel like that could answer this next question. But is there a message or a piece of advice that you want to share with listeners, especially if they are struggling to experience that wholeness that you mentioned?

Speaker 1:

Keep looking for it and when you feel it, you'll know it'll be so overwhelming, but in the best way, Because it's there. It's there for everyone. I know it is, and it took me a long time to find these little places where I would feel it. But when I did, I was like okay, this is for me, this is who I am, this is who I'm supposed to be, this is everything.

Speaker 2:

So we have this word, we have pride, we use it for celebrations, we use it for the name of this podcast, and it seems to mean something a little bit different for everyone. So what is pride to you? What does that word mean? That's a good question. We also have some really nice ambient rain noise happening. I feel like ASMR or something.

Speaker 1:

I love the rain, so this is perfect. This is exactly right Pride to me. I'm singing to the rain. Now I know it is kind of distracting.

Speaker 2:

I just kind of want it to lull me to sleep.

Speaker 1:

Right, I think when I think pride, I think of just this huge community being together, because queer people are always around everywhere, but I think pride, specifically in celebration, it's just everyone is coming together, everyone is sharing this one thing that we all have in common and it's just such a beautiful thing. I actually went to my first pride festival. Well, I accidentally went to pride once I was like 15. I was in Denver with my parents. We went downtown and it was like pride and I was like whoa, you crashed pride. Yeah, for real. It's happened a few times, actually, so on accident. But I remember I picked up this bracelet, I took it home and I was like I don't know why I did that, but I need this.

Speaker 2:

Why could I?

Speaker 1:

possibly want this gay pride bracelet.

Speaker 1:

Right, I still have it to this day. Yeah, I love that. It says just be you. It's so heartwarming that makes me want to cry. But I went to my first on purpose pride Just this June. Actually I went to the cities and it was so cool just to see so many people out there celebrating. It was just a sea of people and I'm like we're all here for the same thing. We're just having a good time, just having a fun little day celebrating queerness, pride, everything. It was heartwarming to see all of that and I think pride is just the wholeness of everyone being together and like being in community.

Speaker 2:

So when you think about that and you think about your pride story, what are you proud of?

Speaker 1:

I'm proud of myself for like figuring things out this far and continuing to, and like knowing that I still, to this day, feel like discomfort with the not knowing of it all because, like I said, I'm really sort of at the beginning of my gender exploration and it's uncomfortable. I like don't always know what I want. People ask me like what are your pronouns? And I will like pause and be like, um, let me get back to you on that, stay tuned. But here I am doing it anyway, figuring it out day in, day out. I'm listening to myself and I'm working on it and that's a really beautiful thing and it's something that I'm so, so proud of.

Speaker 1:

I'm proud of myself for like showing up as myself, even when it's not exactly easy, and I'm very queer. When you look at me, you're like, oh, that's a queer person right there. Yeah, you're not like sneaky queer no, not at all, not even a little bit but I embrace that. Every day I show up as myself. I like where would I want to wear? I do what I want to do within reason, and every day. That's not easy. Some days I'm in a place that I don't really feel comfortable, showing every side of myself that just appears across my face, but I do it and I'm really proud of that, because I know someone out there needs to see that, because as a kid I needed to see that, and when I did I was like, oh my god, look at these people. They're so cool, going from that version of myself to being someone that I hope at least other people can see and be like oh, that person is like living their life as they want to. It's really cool and I'm really proud of that, as you should be.

Speaker 2:

I want to read something that you actually wrote in your submission to be part of Pride Stories, just because I think it's so beautiful and it summarizes a lot of what we're talking about, and I'm just going to read the whole thing. A big concept for me with my Pride journey was the personal discovery that my sexuality and gender are not destinations to be discovered, but instead are aspects of myself and my identity that are always evolving. I consistently discover new parts of myself, which A just like beautifully written. You said that you consistently discover these new parts of yourself. What's a part that you've discovered recently?

Speaker 1:

So I recently switched therapists. The one before I was like this person isn't exactly super knowledgeable on queerness. I need to find somewhere. That is because I was in the back of my head, behind the scenes. Subconsciously I was like I'm going to get to go explore my gender now. So I switched to a different place and my first session I was like, yeah, I want to look into gender exploration. And then my next session I was like, yeah, no, I kind of did that already. This is where I'm at with myself. I'm here and now I'm working on like sharing that with the world. It was a really quick turnaround, going from okay, I should look at this to mean like, okay, this feels like me and I know it so fully and truly. So that was something that I like really discovered, was really natural to me, and it just felt so right, so quick.

Speaker 2:

Awesome. Having a gender and sexuality affirming therapist is so, so important. So good for you for like pursuing that and recognizing that. That's something that you needed. With the last few minutes that we have together, I know you said like this is kind of your first experience really publicly sharing this new part of your journey and this new part of your evolution. So I just want to let you, to quote John Mayer, say what you need to say. What do you want to share that you haven't yet?

Speaker 1:

Well, maybe go back to something I've discovered recently. I surprise myself sometimes with like little things that I do. There was this one I don't even know what it was, but I had to like sign up for something or whatever and it asked me woman, man, non-binary and I clicked non-binary and I kept like moving forward like it wasn't even a thought. And then I like looked back later and I like saw that I put that and I was like what, who am I? I was like who did that? Was that me? It was like so automatic and it just surprised me so much. But also I was like, oh yeah, I was just scared to do that consciously, and not scared, but more nervous.

Speaker 1:

It's a tough thing to share. It's a tough thing to like ask for, to ask for people to respect this part of myself. I think the toughest part is like knowing that there may be people who won't, but that doesn't mean that I can't do it at all, because I have to. This is part of me. When I clicked non-binary instead of a woman, that felt so true. Looking back, I was like, okay, this is correct. This is where I feel the most me. And I guess the next thing is like sharing this with everyone around me On a podcast with a complete stranger.

Speaker 1:

From there, just owning that which I've done with myself. I feel so true in this and now, here today, I get to like tell people this is where I feel true, this is where I feel real, this is where I am, this is who I am. Just put it out there and ask for nothing less than respect in this process, but also always offer grace, because people are trying their best. I am non-binary and I use they-them pronouns. You heard?

Speaker 2:

it here first, folks, awesome. Is there anything else you want to say?

Speaker 1:

Thanks for listening. Yeah, I mean this is so cool. I feel so official right now.

Speaker 2:

I know like the headphones and the microphone and this board that I don't really know what it does yet Big fancy light up board with all the buttons. Yeah, the literal big red button. Yeah Well, I am so excited for you as you kind of continue on in this journey of self-discovery and of like sharing this with the world around you, and I'm so excited to get to share this in some small way with the podcast. So thank you for being here.

Speaker 1:

Thank you so much and thank you for giving me a place to say this, absolutely.

Speaker 2:

It's my honor. Thank you for listening to Pride Stories, the podcast. I'm your host, katie Beatty, and it's been an honor to bring this story to your ears. Pride Stories is proudly presented by Tellwell StoryCo and Studio. We have an incredible team that makes this podcast possible, including executive producer Max Kringen, contributing producers Andrew Parsons, duncan Williamson and Annie Wood, with additional support by Emma Maddock, matt Priggy, rosie Mortensen and the entire team at Tellwell. If you've been inspired, moved or entertained by anything you've heard in this episode, please consider supporting our mission, Subscribe to the podcast, leave a five star review or simply share it with a friend or family member. Your support keeps the stories alive and resonating, and if you feel compelled to share your own Pride story, we'd be honored to listen. Please visit the link in the description of this episode to get in touch. No matter where you are in your journey, whether you're out and proud or just finding your voice, remember you have a story to tell and it deserves to be heard.