Resilience in the Face of Rejection: Bradley's Story

In this episode of Pride Stories, we delve into Bradley's powerful journey of self-discovery and resilience through the lenses of military service and gender identity. Growing up in rural North Dakota with limited representation, Bradley navigates the complexities of embracing his feminine side in a traditionally masculine environment. From discovering the term "crossdresser" in college to facing discrimination in the military and his church, Bradley's story is one of courage and advocacy. As he shares his experiences with the support group Tri-State TG and his advocacy for inclusivity, we witness a narrative that underscores the importance of respect and authenticity. Bradley opens up about his family's journey, his impactful speech on HR, and his life as a peer mentor for veterans, offering a heartfelt testament to living one's truth. Join us as we talk with Bradley, bringing to light an inspiring story of bravery, acceptance, and unwavering commitment to the LGBTQ+ and veteran communities.

Tune in now on Spotify and YouTube to hear Bradley's heartfelt story of resilience and community-building:

https://youtu.be/Va75h-uEFfw

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

So on Wednesday night I went up in front of the congregation and said, hey, I'm getting mobilized to Iraq, I want to take care of my family while I'm gone. And it was all hugs and tears. And on Friday I was outed to the world as a crossdresser. Someone had got a picture off of our Tri-State TG website that we had and emailed the picture to everybody they knew. Emailed to everybody they knew and people were printing them out and posting them up at the bars and at the school and everywhere else. So that was my blown out of the closet story. I mean, a lot of my friends and most of my family knew, but this was like exploded. So within five days, from you're going to Iraq to we love you, to Friday, and blown out of the closet to Monday, the church council saying you're no longer welcome here.

Speaker 2: 0:46

Welcome to Pride Stories, the podcast, where we celebrate the entire spectrum of experiences that make up the LGBTQ plus community. I'm your host, Max Kringen, from Tell All Story Cohen Studio. On this podcast. We're committed to creating a safe, supportive and inspiring space for our guests and listeners alike, so join us as we explore the heartwarming, sometimes painful and always inspired stories that make us who we are. Hi and welcome to Pride Stories, the podcast, the podcast from Tellwell Story Co. Where we celebrate the entire spectrum of the LGBTQIA plus ecosystem. I'm Max Crean, your host and chief storyteller at Tellwell, and with me today in studio I have Bradley Ani. Hi, Bradley, it's so good to have you in studio and thanks for being a part of this. This is great. Yeah, thanks for having me. How are you feeling coming into podcast day?

Speaker 1: 1:45

Well, I'm doing okay. Yeah, I've done a couple different podcasts over my last number of years and you know it's always a little kind of wrecking because you never know what you're going to say, but it'll be good.

Speaker 2: 1:57

Well, what's fun about this podcast? There's no agenda, there's nothing that we're trying to to like accomplish with it other than just sharing your story, and so take a breath, be yourself. This is going to be really great. So just before we hopped on the microphones, we were talking about how we met, because we met a couple of years ago at one of the grand openings, like a ribbon cutting for a local nonprofit.

Speaker 1: 2:22

Yes, yeah, I've been a part of the Chamber Ambassadors here in Fargo-Moorhead, west Fargo, for four years and I enjoyed getting out and seeing what's new or who's expanding and the different businesses. So it's pretty cool.

Speaker 2: 2:34

Yeah, well, what I also loved is from there then we seem to run into each other like all the time, like several times over the rest of that that summer and then since then we've run into each other a bunch of times. I feel like oftentimes they have to do a cider um at our favorite local cidery, wild taro. Yeah, that's right next door and frankly we can pop down there for a cider afterwards if we want to, right? But uh, you've been a big part of this community. You've been a figurehead in this community. You've done a lot of work for veterans. You've been a big part of this community. You've been a figurehead in this community. You've done a lot of work for veterans.

Speaker 1: 3:15

You've done a lot of work for for the trans community in town, and so what I kind of want to start with is universities, community events. For many years 25 years I think it's been I've been going out and telling my story, so to speak, and I don't like necessarily labels and that kind of thing, but if you had to put me in a label, I'm a cross-dresser, gender nonconforming, that type of thing, because I'm very comfortable with my feminine side and very comfortable with my masculine side and I present both ways throughout my day and throughout my week. So that's just part of who I am and just kind of being me, and sometimes I'm more feminine, sometimes I'm more masculine and I just enjoy being me and being out there.

Speaker 2: 4:01

I love that Now and I've gotten and I've I've gotten to experience you presenting in both ways, and I think that's really powerful uh, to feel very comfortable going back and forth. What got you to that comfortability?

Speaker 1: 4:17

Well, you know it goes back in time now, you know, growing up in rural farm kid, north Dakota, and when you're young you play dress up with your sister or whatever out at the farm and putting on a mom's old dress or something like that, in the playhouse and for something in my brain that clicked like this is okay, this is like something I enjoy. But back in those days in the 70s, growing up, that was not okay and not to be done. So I had that conflict going on, you know, on through high school and you know I'd play dress up when my mom and sisters and dad were out of town or out in town, I should say, you know, because we were farm kids. So you know I'd do that, but I was worried that I was going to get caught. Or, you know, because I knew something in my brain or something in the society that boys should not play dress up as girls and that was something I'd lived with throughout my high school days. And then after high school, you know I was very involved in everything in school. I placed in wrestling in the state, I was a state champion, football, middle linebacker, you know all that masculine stuff, but I also had this very strong feminine push. For whatever reason, I couldn't figure it out. There was no internet, there was none of that, nobody to talk to about it, so I just kind of stumbled through, trying to figure things out. And then After high school I joined the Marine Corps because I wanted to be a Marine and go see the world.

Speaker 1: 5:52

And I did. I was a Marine, I was Marine infantry. We were a special operations group that would go out on ships and go anywhere in the world and do all kinds of crazy stuff. And I saw some combat in the Persian Gulf before the Persian Gulf War and did all that. And flying around helicopters and crazy boats and amphibious vehicles and mountaineer training, jungle survival training, all this crazy training. And I enjoyed all that. But I still had in the back of my mind, or in my mind, sometimes in the front of my mind, you know, wanted to express my feminine side, and so that was difficult and basically back in those days you had to lie about any kind of different, you know, because it was illegal or unacceptable to be gay in the military and at that point if I would have caught me playing dress up or being expressing myself femininely, I would have been kicked out of the Marine Corps for being gay. That was way before the don't ask, don't tell. You know, that was you know back in the late 80s.

Speaker 2: 6:54

So Wow that you just cruised through like 30 years of history in like two minutes that was. That was very quick.

Speaker 1: 7:05

But Well, there's a lot that goes on with that. But yeah, I can definitely. I can go for hours here, but you know.

Speaker 2: 7:18

Can you kind of take us back to you know, as you're in high school, you you realize, like this is something, that that is a part of you, but you're in.

Speaker 1: 7:21

You're in the 70s. You said well, I graduated in 85. Okay, so in high school is in the 80s, early 80s okay, so you're in the 80s, you?

Speaker 2: 7:28

there's really no representation. There's, uh, where are you from mayville? You're from mayville, okay, I'm. There's really no representation. There's a where are you from Mayville? You're from Mayville, okay, I'm from Enderlin. And so, like you know, there really was no representation of anything other than, like, gender conforming, like cis, white, uh, male, female, like it was all very much that. So what started to broaden your horizon? That there was an outcome where you could express both your masculine and your feminine sides?

Speaker 1: 7:58

Well, it took a while before I got to that point but you know I would basically be closeted, cross-dressing or whatever kind of thing. Uh, and I was going to college, came back from the Marine Corps, uh, joined the army national guard, was going to college at Mayville State and you know, then I got married and I had told my wife at the time about me being. I didn't even know what cross-dressing was, but I got a degree in psychology. So in one of our books I read the definition of a cross-dresser and I'm like I'm a cross-dresser Because back then, you know, you only had like three definitions. You know it was like transgender, transsexual and cross-dresser and that was it. We got a lot more variations these days, but that was what was in the psychology book back in the early 90s.

Speaker 2: 8:43

Isn't it powerful when you see something that like resonates with you and you're like, oh, oh, there's a term for this, yeah, I had no idea. I feel like that is most of the time that I spend with my therapist is just trying to be like. Is there a word for this feeling right here?

Speaker 1: 8:58

Right. So and I told my then wife. I told her I said, well, this is on my crossdresser. And she's like what is that? I said, well, I have a paragraph that tells what this is, you know, and that's the only information I had. And back then I was like I want to get more information. So I went to the library, did the online search. Back then there was no Internet yet I would say I got a degree from college without the aid of the Internet. You know, that happened.

Speaker 1: 9:22

I graduated in 93, but a year or so before that there was one book in the state of North Dakota on transgender issues and it was at UND and it was a small book. And so I went up to UND. I read this book from cover to cover in the library because I was petrified, Someone would know. I checked it out and then it only took me a couple hours to read this book. It wasn't that big and that's the only one I could find in the library system back in, like 92 in the state of North Dakota that had anything to do with transgender or whatever you know.

Speaker 1: 9:56

And so then that was one of the pieces of the pie, to realize I'm not alone. And then the internet showed up. So I'm going through life trying to figure that out, and so I find this group called Tri-S national group of crossdressers that meet, and they met in Minneapolis was the closest one. So I, you know, I joined the group and started, you know, communicating through email back then, you know, uh, with some other folks that were like me, and so then I went down to one of their meetings and meet, like in a conference room, you know, and there's like 40 people their spouses room, you know, there's like 40 people there, spouses people, whatever, and that was the first time I met anyone like myself.

Speaker 1: 10:36

I was about 30 years old then and I was like, wow, you know, mind-blowing kind of experience was that empowering, or was it overwhelming, or?

Speaker 1: 10:45

both, both, both. Because I figured I was going to get stoned or beat to death trying to drive across Minneapolis, you know, in the minivan back in the day, you know, because we had young kids and trying to figure all this out going. How am I going to get across town without being, you know, caught, you know dressed up, you know? And then they wanted to meet me before the meeting at some restaurant. And I'm like, okay, this is the first time I've ever been out of my house dressed, and now they're going to go to a dang restaurant. You know, I'm like, oh, I was petrified, you know, and I made it through that. And then later, then they said okay, cause they'd come up with like a firewall and trying to make sure there wasn't any nut jobs or whatever, so to speak, you know. And so I met with these folks and had a good night and went back. I stayed at my friend's house he's the first person I ever told other than a couple family members and he was one of my best buddies in the Marine Corps and he was like I don't give a shit what you look like. He was pretty cool, I mean, he was very cool about it, and so it was just kind of crazy like, all right, okay, so that meant that you got a little more comfort level and things like that.

Speaker 1: 11:55

And at this point I still wasn't going out in the community locally. And then a couple years later it was like, okay, I don't want to keep going to Minneapolis. And I caught wind of a group that was forming and they didn't have a name yet but it was run by a counselor therapist out of back then. It was Merit Care and Alice Christensen was her name and then she had. There was like four of us at the first meeting and we met in the basement of a church in West Fargo known like the Sunday school rooms, and that was powerful and I'm like, well, we'll get this thing going here.

Speaker 1: 12:27

So I started that group and then expanded to what is Tri-State TG right now. So yeah, and some of those members from the original meeting I don't think any are still alive, to be honest, they were older and one completed suicide. So you know that was an experience. But we moved over to the Moorhead Pride and then ended up at the Fargo Pride when they moved out of Moorhead. So that goes back to the beginning of that 25 years ago. I don't know 20 some years ago.

Speaker 2: 12:58

That's fascinating. I did not know that you were a part of the founding of that group. That's so cool.

Speaker 1: 13:07

Yeah, it was interesting. And then, you know, there was some turmoil within that group at times too, because we had, you know, in the transgender community sometimes, you know, there's like we're the transsexual side, so to speak, and then the more gender nonconforming side, and but we kept it together because there was a couple of strong personalities that would go after each other and I was kind of a peacemaker on this deal. I said the society doesn't look at us any different, so let's just all get along. And then back then the I-beam was going, and so we go to the I-beam after our meetings, you know long. And then back then the I-beam was going, yeah, and so we go to the I-beam after our meetings. You know it was like on a Saturday and that was more comfortable place, so the closet was getting bigger.

Speaker 1: 13:45

You know still hadn't told a bunch of people, but then you know, just kind of, at least I didn't have to go to Minneapolis, I could go to Fargo, you know it's closer, and that worked out good, met a lot of great friends and still good friends today through that. And we do our own little triage. We meet for coffee with someone before they would come to the group and it was more closed back then. Now it's a little more open for folks to participate, which is great, and they've got great people running that organization. I've stepped back quite a bit over the years. I haven't been there for years to be and it's kind of you know, but I run into folks, so that's good.

Speaker 2: 14:24

So you have really built a life out of serving others, right, whether it was, you know, from your, your service, uh, to our country, um, and and I think you had a quote um in your your disrupt HR speech, which, which you like, we can humble brag for a moment, you said it was number three in the world for a while.

Speaker 1: 14:49

For views for a couple of months. It was number on their national or international site. It was number three for views for like two months.

Speaker 2: 14:56

It's a powerful. It's a powerful presentation, and so we'll we'll make sure that we link to that in the show notes as well. But in there you said you've fought for freedom, but you haven't been able to express your freedom.

Speaker 1: 15:09

Yeah, and that's some that came from. And I've been very involved with the VA and PTSD and mental health and I'm a peer mentor. I went through PTSD treatment probably 12 or 13 years ago and I still go to groups there and you know just being me and being out and I go there as my feminine self to the groups and but I was at the VFW and this is downtown VFW which I'm. I've been on the board there. You know I was a commander of the Fargo American Legion. I was a founding commandant of the Marine Corps League here locally, you know. So I'm very involved and enjoy working with veterans and that type of stuff. That's what I do for a living. I'm an employment counselor for veterans.

Speaker 1: 15:54

One night I was there Saturday night with some friends and a guy comes up to me, you know, right up next to me, and he starts saying what the F are you doing here? And I'm like having a drink, what the F are you doing here? You know. So I have a pretty confident and strong personality, which has been good for me for advocacy, because I have a lot of friends that are transgendered spectrum folks that you know they would crumble and it would crush them. And 20 years before that it probably would have done the same to me.

Speaker 1: 16:25

But I said, and then he was going on and on about, well, I'm a veteran. I said so am I? And he said, yeah, well, I did. And then I seen he had a band on his you know wrist or whatever.

Speaker 1: 16:36

And I said, oh yeah, where did you serve or who are you with? And he's like Army. I said I was in the Marine Corps and the Army. He said, yeah, well, I was in combat. I said I've been in two wars, you know, I kept one-upping them, you know. And so then he says, well, I'm infantry. I said I was in the infantry and the Marine Corps and the Army, you know. So I'm like I'm just, and veterans have, you know, kind of sometimes a pissing contest, you know, and I was one up and I'm on everything you know. And I said, yeah, I was the first sergeant, so I outranked them and I have a bronze star medal, so I have more prestigious medals than he does. And I said you picked the wrong effing cross-dresser to mess with tonight, buddy. And I said, well, you got to get out of here, you know, he was carrying on like a fool, you know, and I said this is my club. I'm literally a member here. Everybody knows me here.

Speaker 2: 17:25

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 17:25

You know, and he's like, and then they were kicking him out because he's carrying on and he's screaming oh, let the tranny stay in here. But the veteran gets kicked out and and just being a fool and come around the way, after that story got out to my veteran friends, he was put in his place and now he's a different person because of that night. But shortly after that I was making a mask at the VA for my PTSD group and it's like I don't know if you've seen them or not, but the mask, and on the mask it got my military side and a rainbow on the other side of the mask and then it says you're a hero, but you don't belong here. Freedom, but not for you. And so that was, and they still keep the va, won't give it back. I mean, they'll give it back if I really wanted it. But they use that on their displays all the time because they the powerful image and story.

Speaker 2: 18:16

That's incredible. So so you've had this long storied life of being in service to others, defending people that maybe didn't have as much of a voice, and you've done it while also figuring out like who you are and being comfortable with that, being comfortable being a parent and a spouse and all of those things.

Speaker 1: 18:40

Yeah, it's tricky sometimes, you know, like when the kids are younger and we decide when to tell them and how to tell them. And then they was. You know that went pretty well. And then I got mobilized for Iraq. And well, 20 years ago this month, I got the call on a Monday saying you're going to be going to Iraq. And then Wednesday was Lenten services and I was very involved in my church and the community we're living in at the time. And so on Wednesday night I went up in front of the congregation and said, hey, I'm getting mobilized to Iraq, I want to take care of my family while I'm gone. And it was all hugs and tears.

Speaker 1: 19:21

And on Friday I was outed to the world as a cross-dresser. Someone had got a picture off of our Tri-State TG website that we had and emailed the picture to everybody they knew. Who emailed to everybody they knew and people were printing them out and posting them up at the bars and at the school and everywhere else. What so? That was my blown out of the closet story. I mean, a lot of my friends and most of my family knew, but this was like exploded. So within five days from you're going to Iraq to we love you to Friday and blown out of the closet to Monday, the church council saying you're no longer welcome here. That was one hell of a week, yeah.

Speaker 2: 19:58

And then I mean, if you were mobilized like then, did you have to leave then?

Speaker 1: 20:03

Well, yeah, pretty quick, a couple months later A couple months, okay, yeah. So I moved my wife and my kids up to her hometown. We sold our house and where we were living and when I come back from Iraq we'll have a new life, kind of thing. Well, in the process of being in Iraq I just had gotten there my first wife, she decided she wanted to divorce me and there's a lot of other stuff that was going on with that. I mean, a piece of it was being blown out of the closet and being a cross-dresser and all that kind of stuff for sure. But that wasn't the only thing. And you know she's moved on and been married and divorced twice since me and I got custody of the kids when I got home from Iraq and made a new life for myself and my kids and got a current wife that we've been together 18 years and a stepson out of the deal. So, uh, and I've got grandkids and I don't want to do any minute now.

Speaker 2: 20:56

So oh, that's fantastic.

Speaker 1: 20:58

Waiting for the call.

Speaker 2: 20:59

And your, your, your wife is fabulous. She is, she is so great and um can. Can you talk to us about like, how did