Pride Stories: The Podcast

Pride Stories: Elliot's Life Beyond the Binary

• Katie Beedy and Tellwell Story Co. • Season 1 • Episode 5

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From being outed at the tender age of 13 to experiencing true gender euphoria at 20, Elliot has experienced a complex and expansive pride journey in their young life. Their story is one that enlightens, inspires, and challenges our perspectives on gender identity, societal norms, and the power of self-expression.

Hailing from a conservative region in Minnesota, Elliot didn't have an easy path towards embracing their true self. Despite the hurdles, they found solace in music, friendship, and faith. Elliot's story is a testament to the power of community and acceptance, overcoming pushback from conservative pockets to create a safe space in their college campus for LGBTQIA+ individuals.

Pride, to Elliot, is more than just a celebration - it's a space for authenticity, self-expression, and being who you truly are. Join us on this enlightening journey as Elliot shares their story of pride, identity, and the power of being true to yourself.

Speaker 1:

I think it's important to know that you're not burning people by sharing with them. You are unburning yourself by sharing that.

Speaker 2:

Welcome to Pride Stories, the podcast where we celebrate the entire spectrum of experiences that make up the LGBTQ plus community. I'm your host, katie Beatty from Tell Well Story Co and Studio On this podcast. We are committed to creating a safe, supportive and inspiring space for our guests and listeners alike, so join us as we explore the heartwarming, sometimes painful and always inspired stories that make us who we are Today. I am joined by Elliot Doyle. Hi Elliot, welcome to the podcast.

Speaker 2:

Hi To kick us off, I just want you to tell me a little bit about who you are, give our listeners an idea of who they are meeting today.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so, as you said, my name is Elliot. I often times go by Al. I am a college student. I'm 20 years old and my senior year, and I'm studying philosophy with minors in government and in ASL. I hope to eventually go to law school and help serve those underserved populations, such as the LGBTQ community and the deaf community, because they oftentimes are underrepresented in fields like that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, absolutely. That is so cool to hear.

Speaker 1:

Thank you.

Speaker 2:

Just moving forward. What language do you use to describe your gender identity and your sexuality?

Speaker 1:

So my gender identity is non-binary. I don't fit, or my personal experience I don't fit in that gender binary and so I identify as non-binary and my sexual orientation is gay.

Speaker 2:

Cool, let's get into the whole reason we're here, the whole premise behind this podcast. What is your pride story?

Speaker 1:

So my pride story starts actually fairly early. I know everybody's pride story is very different, but I actually came out at the age of 13, in seventh grade. I was actually quite young and was before that. I was actually ready. It started with three of my closest friends at that time. I shared it with them because I felt like I was kind of just internalizing everything and I needed to tell somebody, and one of them I don't know to this day which one it was told the wrong person and it spread across my entire school, which then pushed me to come out to my parents because I didn't want them to find out from somebody else other than from me. So it was kind of a hectic time, especially for a 13-year-old. But that's kind of how my pride story started.

Speaker 1:

But even before that the culture in my school just really wasn't great for me as a person. Starting in third grade I was bullied pretty heavily, some derogatory terms used towards me that are often geared towards the LGBTQ community, which I think definitely made it harder for me to come out when I did, because I already had those thoughts in my head that it was such a bad thing to be. But here I am today. I'm still here so everything is turning out well. But it was definitely a hard time for me and I know a lot of people go through that as well and that's why I think it's really important to be here today, because I want people to know that it does get better. You eventually find your people and I don't want people to think that it's always going to be bad, because it's not always going to be bad. And that's kind of how I discovered my own sexual orientation.

Speaker 1:

Now, with my gender identity, that came much later in life.

Speaker 1:

I didn't come out until about a year and a half ago as non-binary.

Speaker 1:

So that happened in college and I think kind of lead up into that, when I was around 15 or 16, I kind of had thoughts that was maybe trans and I think those thoughts were more of me not fitting in that binary, not fitting into those societal standards of the gender norms that we often think about in masculinity and femininity. And so when I came to college and saw more people that were out as non-binary and people expressing themselves in their own gender identity was super eye-opening to myself and that led me to being able to come out as non-binary. I think that it's really difficult sometimes to come to terms with those things because even though you see it and you see people being able to express themselves, you think could that really be me? Do I really not understand myself enough to have known that from day one? But it definitely is an exploration and I think it's important to allow yourself to have that exploration, not just be so stressed about. I need to know what I am now, but allowing other people to help you through that.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely Well. Thank you for walking me through kind of your whole story. There is so much in there I want to unpack and talk about in more detail. Like you were just talking about gender identity. It's not one solid thing that you know for sure. It's a very fluid thing. What does being non-binary feel like for you? What does it look like? What is that for you?

Speaker 1:

So for me, being non-binary, a big thing is my pronouns. A lot of people think you're non-binary, you have to be they them. Oftentimes I more enjoy people using they them with me, but I kind of fit towards I think, the mask, if you were to put it on a binary more the masculine side of non-binary and so I don't get super upset if people use he and pronouns and stuff like that. But on the terms of my own identity and how I think non-binary fits with me, I, clothes wise, don't necessarily just wear men's clothes. I like to explore different things. I wear makeup all the time. I color my hair, which is a very not necessarily masculine trait.

Speaker 2:

For the listeners at home. Their hair is a beautiful lavender right now that they did themselves. Very cool, very impressive. Carry on.

Speaker 1:

But it's more than just physical appearance and it's really hard to describe to people because it really is just a feeling. It's almost when you come to the realization that it's okay not to fit into male or female. It's almost like a euphoric feeling that's very hard to describe to other people. It's almost you know it when you feel it. But I know that's not everybody's experience.

Speaker 2:

Was there a specific time when you first felt that euphoric feeling and felt very right and whole in your gender identity?

Speaker 1:

I think it's definitely. When I admitted to myself that I might not be just male, I might not identify as male, I allowed myself to think of my life in a different way. So it wasn't necessarily something I saw or a person I interacted with, but it was just looking back on myself and being like what would my life be like if I didn't identify as male?

Speaker 2:

So what is life like after that?

Speaker 1:

It feels like it's a very hard feeling to describe. I mean, every day people are just super kind to me, which is very nice.

Speaker 1:

It's good to be around, accepting people which not everybody gets, but just being myself, being okay, walking around in whatever I feel like, wearing and acting whichever way I feel like and not having to worry about fitting into these expectations that people think you need to fit into. Being able to wear a full face of makeup to class one day and then the next day wearing nothing but beanie and my glasses or whatever.

Speaker 2:

So I kind of jumped ahead because I really wanted to talk about that fortune. But I want to rewind and go back in time and talk about your experience leading up to coming out Obviously super shitty and unfortunate that it didn't get to happen on your terms. But do you remember the time that you realized, hey, I might not be straight, and what was that like for you?

Speaker 1:

I think and I've heard from many people that this is a similar experience to them, but I think it's always been in the back of my mind.

Speaker 1:

I've always had that in my mind, but it doesn't come to realization until, as a person, you understand what attraction is and what liking somebody else is, and so I don't think there was like a specific moment where I realized, oh, I might not be straight. I think it was just a culmination of learning about what it means to be a human, and when they start talking about people getting married and living their lives and having kids, and you're like is that what I want, though? Is there something wrong with me that I don't want that, that I don't feel these things, is it supposed to feel like? I think that realization definitely came very close to when I came out around the age of 12, 13,. You know, start going through puberty and you start understanding these attraction things. You start having different feelings in your body, and I think that's definitely around the time that I almost came to terms with the fact that I might not be straight, but I don't think it was one like definitive moment in time that it happened.

Speaker 2:

So you mentioned that before you told those three friends, or like. The reason you decided to was because it felt like you were internalizing a lot of things. Can you talk more about that and what prompted you to say, okay, I'm going to tell someone now?

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So I felt like I was not being my true self. I started having these feelings, you know, like I just talked about, and started understanding that, hey, I'm not straight, I'm attracted to men. And over that year, year and a half however long it was, kind of it was a long time ago. It's hard to remember all that. I think it's I definitely came to the terms with okay, I'm not straight. Now, how do I start living my best life? How do I start being myself? And these three friends, like I said at the time, they were my best friends at that time and so I wanted to tell them, because they were my support system, I wanted them to know me for my true self and not somebody that I might be acting like I was being.

Speaker 2:

So when you were kind of outed without your consent because that is unfortunately a very common thing that is happening for people, especially young people how did you deal with that? How did you cope with that and get through it?

Speaker 1:

I'll tell you right now, it was not pretty.

Speaker 1:

I, after I was outed and came out to my parents, bullying definitely got a lot worse at school.

Speaker 1:

I think part of that is when you come out, and this is especially was prevalent at the time that I was in school.

Speaker 1:

But everybody that hears about that thinks that's just your entire personality. You are gay and that's it. They don't care to know anything else about yourself which pushes you into this box of oh, I guess my personality is just I'm gay. That's what it is, and I think that definitely pushed me into the very depressive episode that I had for the next few years after that, before I finally came to terms with the fact that I could be who I was, that being gay wasn't my entire personality, that I was so much more than that, an infinite amount more than that, and I could develop my personality whichever way I wanted. It didn't matter what other people thought about that. But it was years of putting myself down and not thinking that I deserved what I truly did deserve. I did not deserve to be treated the way that I was treated and having that realization and even looking back on it now and being like, yeah, that was not an okay time, and I definitely wish that there were other people there that would have been able to help me.

Speaker 2:

So you mentioned falling into kind of a depressive episode after that. How did you start pulling yourself out of that? Was it just a matter of time, or were there specific resources or support systems that helped you come into yourself more?

Speaker 1:

So there were definitely a few things Around the time that I came out. I did meet someone who is she is my best friend right now. We went through all of high school together. We were in an organization it was called FCCLA at school and that's where I met her. But we kind of developed that friendship and although I was in the depressive episode as most people know, with mental illness you oftentimes hide that you don't want people to know what's going on with yourself.

Speaker 1:

So I think definitely developing that friendship with her and then eventually letting her know how I was feeling and letting her know being able to open up about that stuff allowed her to help me more, which kind of started more at that two and a half three year mark when I started pulling myself out of it, because at that point our relationship was very close. Another thing that definitely helped me, I think my parents definitely started to notice and I went to a psychiatrist at one point, and so I think talking through a few things with them and in an enclosed space without my parents, without anybody there was just me and someone that could listen to what I was talking to Definitely helped as well.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely so. I love what you were saying about your personality is so much more than just being gay and now so much more than being non-binary. So I want you to just tell me what else are you, what else is L?

Speaker 1:

So back in my schooling days I started playing piano and I still play piano to this day. That's a big vest of my life. I really love music. I love the emotion that music brings and what that can do to people. I mean it can make people happy, it can make people sad, it can make people mad, and so just the complexity of music is a really big part of my life.

Speaker 1:

I am also a leader. As I mentioned before, I was an organization called FCCLA. That stands for Family, career and Community Leaders of America, and it's a national organization. I actually ended up being the state president for the state of Minnesota when I was in that organization and it definitely teaches you a lot of skills that you will use for the rest of your life, and that kind of led me into some roles that I've held in school. This is my second year being an R-A-V-A whatever you want to call it which is another leadership position here.

Speaker 1:

At school, I would view myself as a very empathetic person. I want people to know that if they share anything with me, there is no judgment that comes from me. I am here to support you in your true self and that's all that you need. To be with me is your true self. You don't have to put on a facade, because your true self is what's important. I'm also a big family person. My parents were extremely supportive and are extremely supportive. My brother is also very supportive, my extended family as well. I mean, I just have so much love coming in from my family, which I think is another thing that definitely helped me through everything.

Speaker 2:

That's so good.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I know a lot of people don't have that and it does make me really sad because my mom tells me all the time she's like I don't understand how a parent cannot love their child for something that they did not choose, and they have always told me that they will support me no matter what. And again, there's so much more to my personality than just that. Those are a few things that encapsulate my life.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, Absolutely. I love all of that and also I love how easily you share that. I feel like a lot of the times when we ask people to say nice things about themselves, they're like ooh, ooh, so that's really cool. So right at the beginning, you were talking about wanting to do this podcast because you want to show people that it gets better and while there are some really bad times, it's not always bad. I want you to just talk about and share some stories of how life has gotten better for you.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so I grew up in a very small town, very conservative region of Minnesota which, like I said before, caused a lot of bullying and kind of my view and as bad as this is, I could admit that my view was very bad. I started to hate straight white men because the only experience I had with them was all of this hate being thrown at me. So I'm like, well, if you're going to hate me, I'll hate you. I'm not too hate straight right there, but After I came to college, I've met a lot of people who are just so supportive and I think part of that is also being secure in yourself.

Speaker 1:

But I have a lot more people in my life that are straight men than necessarily LGBTQ community and they don't treat me anywhere similar to what those people treated me. For example, I'm set in RA and keep in touch with that, but we're on a very large team and I've become very close with a lot of these people that fit that identity that I had very bad experiences with before and so being able to take myself out of that idea of all people are like this and being able to understand that everybody's a little bit different and it truly did get better and I can have these interactions with these people that I before never thought I would be able to interact with. Another way it gets better. Like I said, two very completely different coming out stories for me with my sexuality and gender.

Speaker 2:

And like.

Speaker 1:

I said, my sexual outing was very tough on myself, but when I came out of this non-binary in college I was met with nothing but support from anybody. That I told here, which, again, is so much better than the reactions that I received before. It's just a couple of examples of how, even though experiences you may have had before may shape what you think and how you think other people might react, but getting yourself into a different situation, a place where people might not view the same way, is super important, and right now I don't live in a super, like I say, liberal area, but I live in South Dakota, which tends to be a pretty conservative area, but the college campus that I live on right now is extremely supportive. I'm actually, this year, the VA for what we call the flex living floor, and it is the LGBTQIA living floor, so it allows a free space for LGBTQ members to live and live in their gender identity, no matter what that may be.

Speaker 2:

That's amazing. I don't know that. I've heard of that before.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I know there was some little bit of I want to say drama about it when they first established it here on this campus Because, again, living in South Dakota, we had a lot of donors who were had very conservative views and don't believe in allowing us to have human rights. But so the college campus did actually lose some donors at that time, but they stood strong in their decision to make sure that everybody had a space. And it is also a Christian school, is affiliated with the ELCA church, but on that facet it also welcomes anybody in any religious tradition or someone that has no religious tradition at all. It is a very welcoming community that tries to support everybody that comes on this campus.

Speaker 2:

Has there been a like religion element of your pride story? Did you grow up in a very religious household?

Speaker 1:

I did grow up in the ELCA church. I went to church every day or every Sunday, every week. When we went to Sunday school I went through the bio camps and stuff like that. I even went to the ELCA National Youth Gathering in Houston, texas, in 2018. And so religion has definitely played a big part in my life. The ELCA church is very welcoming community, but me and myself and what I identify in my religious ideals, I would say I'm more like a spiritualist. I do believe in a higher being. I believe that there is something after death, but I don't necessarily relate it to the God of the Bible.

Speaker 1:

And part of that is the God of the Bible has been overshadowed by all of these ideals that people are pushing, and I mean telling you right now, the Bible has 2800 different versions of it. The stuff that you read in the Bible today is very different than what the original Hebrew Bible had in it, and so it's really hard for me to be able to identify with a religious tradition today, because it has been so molded into something that it's not. And so I like to say I still believe in a higher being, I still believe that there is something after death, but I don't necessarily believe that it's the God that everybody says it is.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I mean, as you can see, I'm like nodding vigorously with my whole body right now. I think so. My experience has been almost identical, like I would describe it exactly the same, except I went to the National Lutheran Youth Gathering in New Orleans a few years before year time, and it's so comforting to hear from other queer people that growing up in like a faith tradition and growing up queer doesn't have to be. They don't have to be two opposing forces. They can coexist and you can still believe in some sort of higher power while being your true self and accepting your sexuality and your gender identity.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, absolutely. Actually, you say you went to the Youth Gathering in New Orleans. I am quite certain that either my dad or my uncle went to a Youth Gathering in New Orleans. Not quite sure which one it was, I don't remember, but one of them did.

Speaker 2:

Okay, I'm gonna hope that they were at one before my time, because I really don't hope that I am not the same age as your dad or your uncle.

Speaker 1:

They do recycle cities for that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think mine was in like 2011 or something like that.

Speaker 1:

Oh yeah, definitely not the same time.

Speaker 2:

I was just about to have like an existential crisis about being old.

Speaker 1:

They definitely went in like the 80s or early 90s around. That Got it, so definitely a different time.

Speaker 2:

Okay, got it. Now that I know that I feel a little bit better and we can move on, is there a message or a piece of advice that you want to share with listeners, especially young people, who maybe are struggling to come to terms with their identity or who, even more specifically, are going through that really unfortunate experience of being outed?

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So first thing I'd like to say is it takes time. It takes a lot of time. As I said, I just came out as non-binary. The year and a half ago I was just past 18, 19, around that age. It takes a lot of time. You don't have to figure it all out right now. It's okay to just allow yourself to be in the mindset of I'm figuring it out.

Speaker 1:

You don't have to give people an answer. You don't have to have an answer for yourself. Allowing yourself to experience life and truly understand who you are is very important, not rushing and trying to then figure it out after you've already told everybody something about yourself. The second thing in terms of people who are struggling, like I said, it gets better and I know tons of people say that, but it gets better. Make sure not to be too hard on yourself. I know it's extremely difficult to not be hard on yourself when so many people are telling you that who you are is wrong, but it's important to take a step back and understand that their views don't dictate your life. They can have their views, they can have their opinions and they can shout them from rooftops, but that doesn't make any impact on how you live your life. Allow yourself to just live your life and be you. It's really hard to get those voices out of your head. Believe me, I know, but work every day at just being you.

Speaker 2:

I love that. It's great advice for all of us. So we've been talking a lot about this concept of pride. It's in the name of the podcast, but I think that pride means something different to everybody. So what does pride that word mean to you?

Speaker 1:

So pride for me is probably quite more expansive than other people in the queer community. My view on pride is in the word. If you're taking it in terms of Pride Month in June, I think of it as a place, an opportunity to fully express yourself, whether you're a part of the LGBTQ community or not. It is a space that you are allowed to just express yourself and be yourself. I mean, I can speak for myself as an LGBTQ member, but I'm sure many other people will agree with me. We love seeing a straight couple there with their kids exposing themselves to this community and just being there to support. It's not just for the LGBTQ community, it's a space that everybody is welcomed with open arms and it's so important to have that space for people. If I'm taking pride in terms of just kind of like a word, I think it's being able to see past your differences from other people and just it's the same word but being proud of yourself, being able to know that you are enough and that you can be yourself.

Speaker 2:

It is so hard to describe the word without saying pride, but I love that definition and if you keep that definition in mind, what are you proud of?

Speaker 1:

I'm proud that I made it this far. There was definitely a time in my life where I didn't think I would make it this far, so I'm proud that I made it this far. I'm proud that I have let myself be me and gain new friends in the process and just being able to love myself the way that I know other people have loved me. I'm definitely proud to just be myself.

Speaker 2:

That's so much to be proud of. What else do you want to share? What haven't you had the opportunity to say yet that you'd like to, while you have the microphone and a listening ear?

Speaker 1:

I think. One last thing. I don't remember if I mentioned this before, but find your group of people, whether that's one person or three, or ten or whatever it is. I know I found my person and we are still extremely close to this day. They will be your rock, they will be your person and they will help you through the tough times. You don't always have to do it alone.

Speaker 1:

I think that's sometimes a block for people is thinking that I don't want to burden other people. I don't know if you've watched the TV series or read the comic books hard stuff. A bit of big theme in that in one of the main characters is he doesn't want to burden people and you kind of see the effects of that as the show goes on. I know it's a show, but those are very real effects that people go through and I think Osho's husband, writer of that show, really does encapsulate that. I think it's important to know that you're not burning people by sharing with them. You are unburning yourself by sharing that.

Speaker 2:

The way that my jaw just dropped like I want that tattooed across my head. That is such an amazing perspective how you phrase that, but how you're not burdening anyone, you're unburdening yourself. Holy shit, I'm in a noodle on that one for the rest of the night. Also, huge Heartstopper fan. 10 out of 10. Would recommend to anyone listening.

Speaker 1:

Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 2:

Cool. Well, thank you so much, elle, for being on Pride Stories, the Podcast.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for having me.

Speaker 2:

Thank you for listening to Pride Stories, the Podcast. I'm your host, katie Beatty, and it's been an honor to bring this story to your ears. Pride Stories is proudly presented by Tellwell StoryCo and Studio. We have an incredible team that makes this podcast possible, including executive producer Max Kringen, contributing producers Andrew Parsons, duncan Williamson and Annie Wood, with additional support by Emma Maddock, matt Priggy, Rosie Mortensen and the entire team at Tellwell. If you've been inspired, moved or entertained by anything you've heard in this episode, please consider supporting our mission, subscribe to the podcast, leave a five-star review or simply share it with a friend or family member. Your support keeps the stories alive and resonating, and if you feel compelled to share your own Pride Story, we'd be honored to listen. Please visit the link in the description of this episode to get in touch. No matter where you are in your journey, whether you're out and proud or just finding your voice, remember you have a story to tell and it deserves to be heard.