Navigating Relationships: Embracing Growth and Preserving Individuality

Join me, as we navigate this intricate labyrinth, shedding light on the staple elements of a robust bond – trust, communication, respect and a sense of safety. This journey isn't just about maintaining a healthy relationship with others; it's about striking a balance between meeting your partner's needs and preserving your individuality. We'll explore the often neglected concept of outgrowing someone and how embracing this reality can pave the way for profound growth.

These changes may not always align with our expectations, and that's perfectly fine! Instead of holding onto what's familiar, we'll discuss how stepping outside of our comfort zones can lead to an even more fulfilling relationship experience. We'll also touch upon setting boundaries, managing expectations, and aligning relationships with our personal goals. So, are you ready to embark on this enlightening journey with me? Because I assure you, it's going to be a riveting ride.

Transcript

TJ: 0:15

Hey friends, it's TJ. And you're listening to Tea with TJ, where our love for tea, conversation and self-improvement intersect. So let's take a deeper dive into my cup and let's have a chat. Hey friends, it's TJ. So today I am having some hibiscus tea. It's very fruity, very floral, kind of reminds me of pomegranate juice in a way has a little bit of a bite on the end.

TJ: 0:49

But have you ever wondered what does it take to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship? Let's dive in. So relationships are a lot like flowers. As I'm sitting here having this hibiscus tea, they require nurturing and care in the right environment to really flourish and grow so that they are healthy and thriving right.

TJ: 1:18

But what makes a healthy relationship? I think that's a question that gets tossed around a lot, and a lot of the friends that I speak to, who are engaging in new relationships, whether they be romantic or friendships or work relationships, oftentimes ask, like you know, how can I create a healthy relationship with this person? And I truly think it is built on this foundation of trust, first and foremost, and effective communication. I think those are the two pillars of a good, healthy, sustainable relationship, and one can exist really without the other. And there are other aspects of a healthy relationship that I think we can get into when it comes to mutual respect and a sense of safety to truly be yourself. Right, because when you go into a relationship especially something that is romantic, that ultimately could become a partnership you know you want to make sure that you have some sense of safety in that, to really be your most authentic self. Right, I think we oftentimes go into relationships trying to be something that we're really not in order to appease or please the other side, but I think we at least for my generation, I think we oftentimes go into relationships trying to please people and we lose sight of one who we actually are, but then also we lose sight of what the foundation of that relationship is. In the process, right, we build this entire relationship up with someone based on something that isn't true, based on this lie, and I think if we start at the ground floor of really being open and honest and communicating and providing trust both ways, that is the basis of really building a real fulfilling and healthy relationship and we can take romantic relationships out of the mix, even just friendships.

TJ: 3:37

You know, think about where you started with, say, your best friend. Right, you didn't immediately start doing all of these things to try to hook them in right. You presented yourself just as you were and that's what they loved about you and that's how you became best friends, right? I oftentimes think about some of the long-term friendships that I've had, with most of them being from my teenage years. Like I, have four best friends that are all friends that I met in school when I was younger. That are still very strong friendships now, and I would even say that to a degree where we consider each other family at this point, because we entered into our relationships with this trust, this understanding, in this sense of openness right out the gate. And am I saying that you need to be completely transparent when entering into these relationships? No, you don't have to be. What I'm saying is if you're after trying to build a healthy relationship from the start, instead of getting to a point in your relationship where then you're starting to question all of these things, you're starting to question the truth and the health and is this relationship serving me anymore? If you start, on the ground floor, implementing these ideas of trust and effective communication, you're more likely to really allow that relationship to grow into something beautiful.

TJ: 5:22

One of my friendships. We met in high school, ninth grade, and I consider him my brother. I have two of those friends, but this one specifically. We met in ninth grade. We met in health class and there was no question of if we were going to be friends. It was just a matter of time Because when we met we immediately recognized each other. You know when you have that feeling, when you see someone, and you immediately connect. That's exactly how our friendship started and it was very odd like younger me back then. It was very odd because I think that was the first. That was the first relationship that I cultivated on my own, that wasn't a part of being introduced to someone or that was a family member or explicitly romantic, that I put all my cards on the table, I showed all of myself. We did that for each other and because of that I think we became the best of friends very quickly.

TJ: 6:33

And I think you know one of the key factors and achieving a fulfilling and healthy relationship is support and encouragement and a sense of belonging. A sense of feeling like this makes sense, right. I think we do find ourselves in relationships that no longer serve us anymore, where there is no longer a sense of belonging in that space with that person, and I think that is a part of growth. I think it's part of personal growth and I think that it's okay to outgrow someone. And I say that to say that you know, everyone's journey is completely different, right? And I am a firm believer that sometimes you are meant to be in someone's life for a moment, and a moment could mean a year, it could mean five, it could mean 10.

TJ: 7:36

But I think if we are more honest with ourselves in that we are less hurt when those relationships come to an end because they no longer serve us in, the two of you are going in two different directions and I think the maturity in that is really acknowledging and accepting that, okay, we've been friends or we've been in a relationship romantically for X amount of years, but now our paths are no longer intertwined, we're moving in two separate directions and that's okay, because your journey is not my journey, right? And ultimately we have to learn to accept and be okay and appreciate the fact that, yes, sometimes people can run parallel and run parallel for a very long time, but also, sometimes, because people are going through their own journeys and going through their own personal growth you might not end up at the same destination, and that's okay, and I think that is that then becomes the problem of what I have encountered with other friends who have spoken to me about romantic relationships, when they feel like they can't seem to find the right person right, they can't seem to get over this hump that they're, or they're slumped that they're in, and I think the reality of that situation is really that you just don't have the same journey as someone else that you've met and it might have aligned temporarily, but ultimately your destination is not their destination. And I think being okay with that and understanding that and being mature enough to acknowledge that is where the personal growth aspect comes into play, because you then are able to sit with yourself and be happy with yourself and to acknowledge with yourself that I'm on a certain path and I'm trying to achieve these certain goals and these certain benchmarks in my life, that, yes, I would like to have someone along the way with me, enjoy all of those things, but ultimately it is my journey and my destination could have someone in it or it could not. And I think the closer we get to being okay with that, the less friction we will have in our lives where we feel as if we can't get a win. But let's talk about romantic relationships for a second.

TJ: 10:18

I have been fortunate enough to be with someone for over 16 years and I am so grateful for the growth that we've been able to go through together, because a lot of times people in our age bracket tend to Chase a certain idea of a relationship that is not Really conducive to their journey or their destination. Right, they chase an idea of what a relationship is supposed to be, or what their Parents relationship was, what they saw when they were a child. And I think I think, if we're being completely honest with ourselves and really dedicated to personal growth is understanding and realizing that sometimes your relationship does not look like your best friend's relationship, your relationship does not look like your parents relationship, right, and I think the more the older we get and the more we realize that To implement these ideas of trust and communication and mutual respect and a sense of safety and a sense of self, that If we implement all of those things, if the partner that is involved in that relationship with you is on board with all of that, it can be whatever it want, right, it can be Fulfilling in a different kind of way than what we might have seen growing up. I remember having a conversation with a friend who based their entire romantic relationship based off of what they saw as a child and saying, oh, I don't want my relationship to be like that. And I understand that to a degree.

TJ: 12:10

However, I think when you compare yourself and your journey and your relationship to someone else's, it's not a fair comparison, right? Because the life that the one you're comparing your relationship to led is not the same as what you're currently living, right? You know it was a different time, it was a different environment and the world we live in now. You know your I've I've met people and heard stories of relationships that exist that are romantic. However, they, as a part of their commitment to each other, they spend X amount of time separately from each other, right, in order to continue to help define themselves as individuals. And I feel like a lot of the relationships that we saw growing up were hinged on this idea of being a pair and losing a sense of individuality.

TJ: 13:19

And, as someone who is trying to be a better person and trying to engage with my life more outside of my career and my relationships, I I view myself as a priority over my relationship, mainly so that I don't lose myself in the relationship right and same for my partner, where we are very much two individuals who come together to form our relationship, not a relationship that has two individuals in it. Right. And I think that is one of those very nuanced ideas and practices that comes with time and comes with age to really see yourself first and understand to how to prioritize yourself when it comes to the life that you want to live. My partner and I have had conversations in the past where we have we've sat down and said, ok, if I book this job that takes me out of town for a year, are you going to be OK with that? And immediately the answer was yes, and not because that's the answer that I wanted, but because my partner as an individual also understands that the life that I want is not necessary. The life that he wants, right, the life that we are collectively living together, may involve time where we are not physically in the same space and that's what I mean by when I say safety to be your most true, authentic self. Because, remember, before you came into a relationship, you were a whole person before you met this person right, and so to diminish yourself in order to fit into a box or to fit into a concept that is restrictive of you as a payer, I think is a disservice to yourself and I think is a disservice to the growth potential that you do have. And so remember that, when we're thinking about romantic relationships specifically, is that just as much as you are a part of this pair, you are just as much a individual, and to dismiss that or to negate that is a disservice to yourself.

TJ: 15:54

I think one of the things that I am most grateful for in my friendships is the fact that we have open communication, and for all of them, that's how we started our friendships. We allowed ourselves to talk about everything and to not feel restrictive of topics of conversation that we could have with each other, and the interesting thing is that we all come from different backgrounds, different upbringings, different lifestyles, and I'm so grateful and appreciative of my core group of friends because it truly has shown me over the years where my truest self lies, like, where my truest self lives, and to be able to have a space to develop and to engage with other people who are not judging me and not criticizing me. It's such a beautiful thing to have and it's such an amazing, amazing friendship that I don't think I ever knew that I needed until I was in it, especially as I've gotten older. I also think that one of the more amazing things of my friendships is the sense of compassion. It is very much a judgment-free zone and we all allow, like my individual relationships with each of them. It goes both ways, to where sometimes we run an idea about each other or talk about something that's sensitive to us, and so we allow space with each other to be compassionate with each other. And sometimes it's legitimately I need to call you and rant about something, or I need to call you and cry about something, because no one else will understand it but you, and so I love all of those connections that I have in those friendships. It has helped shaped who I've become as a person because I have those core group of friends. So I would like to leave something with you today, friends, I want to encourage you to really start to nourish those friendships, those partnerships, those romantic relationships, and start to tend to them a little more and remember those pillars that are effective communication, mutual respect, and allow yourself to be vulnerable and compassionate in those relationships, because I do believe that if we start to look at our relationships as a whole using those four tools, there's nothing that you can't get through together. And with that, I'll see you next week and that's our show.

TJ: 19:16

Friends, thanks for joining us on Tea with TJ. Please rate, review and subscribe, and you can find us on Instagram at teawithtjpodcast. And, as always, stay kind, keep sipping and remember we're the. So you might as well do it. And, as always, stay kind, keep sipping and remember we're the. Tea With TJ.