Notes to your younger self: With Guest Bernard Holcomb

In this episode, TJ and Bernard Holcomb discuss the importance of self-worth and acceptance. Bernard shares his journey of realizing that he is enough just as he is, and how this realization has transformed his life. They also explore the role of pain and self-discovery in finding self-acceptance. Bernard emphasizes the importance of therapy, medication, meditation, and finding a supportive community in his journey. They discuss the intersection of spirituality and self-acceptance, and how to navigate the challenges that may arise. The conversation concludes with insights on dealing with rejection and finding inner peace.

Takeaways

• Self-worth and acceptance are intertwined and essential for personal growth.
• Realizing that you are enough just as you are is a powerful and transformative lesson.
• Pain and self-discovery can lead to self-acceptance and a better understanding of oneself.
• Therapy, medication, meditation, and finding a supportive community are valuable tools in the journey of self-acceptance.

Transcript

TJ: 0:15

Hey friends, it's TJ, and you're listening to Tea with TJ, where our love for tea, conversation and self-improvement intersect. So let's take a deeper dive into my cup and let's have a chat. Hey friends, it's TJ. Welcome back to another episode of Tea with TJ, and today I have a very special guest, good friend of mine, bernard. Bernard, please introduce yourself for the folks listening.

Bernard: 0:48

Hey everybody, I'm Bernard Holcomb, a singer and actor, human, you know, just out here living my best life.

TJ: 0:59

So today we are going to chat on a subject that I think, in giving you the like list of different topics that I wanted to like, have you choose from this choice of yours, I think was a perfect fit. It's based off of, like, our very tiny friendship that is still growing, but I feel like this is going to be perfect for us. But notes to your younger self I'm curious to know from you when you think of that topic like, what immediately comes to mind.

Bernard: 1:36

What immediately comes to mind is self-worth and acceptance together. There's not one above the other, they just kind of are together, melded together.

TJ: 1:48

And.

Bernard: 1:48

I think that a lot of the lessons that I've been learning as of late, but really in my older years, that I would want to pass on to my younger self have to do with those two things.

TJ: 2:00

What do you think is the big like life lesson that you've learned that you wish you could share with the younger self?

Bernard: 2:08

At the basis of it all is that I'm enough. I don't have to be more fit, I don't have to be more masculine, I don't have to think of myself as more talented or more anything. Just being myself, just being the human being that I am is enough Period.

TJ: 2:29

That's it I knew this was going to be perfect. Yes, yes.

Bernard: 2:37

And while that's so easy to say, it takes a lot of practice and it takes a lot of lessons and a lot of living to get to the place where you can say I am enough. It's not just like you're going to. I used to think I was going to wake up one day and be like all right, I'm enough Great.

TJ: 2:54

And.

Bernard: 2:54

I can just move on with the rest of my life, but I'm constantly, even at this age, being shown, being challenged to believe that I'm enough.

TJ: 3:06

That is such a powerful statement to say that I am enough, and I think I am in process of being in a place to acknowledge it with myself and even just thinking about younger self and thinking about young TJ and how, growing up, being enough was not really in my vocabulary in the sense of knowing what that meant to be enough and knowing that I had everything inside of me to be enough for myself. So I love that. I'm curious to go a little deeper with this. With this I'm enough, because it's tapping my soul right now. What would you say has kind of been like the catalyst for you to arrive at that place of enoughness, if you will.

Bernard: 4:02

Pain, deep, life changing pain that comes from living a life of pleasing everyone else, of doing whatever I had to do to keep someone around or to keep a relationship just the way I thought it needed to be, so that they wouldn't abandon me. And so I abandoned myself, and that left me with this deep chasm of pain that I was one day forced to deal with and which hurt but was also a blessing, because it brought me to the place where I finally had to realize oh, I'm enough, I don't have to do those things to keep relationships or to feel safe, I'm enough. I would rather have not been through those experiences and been through that pain, but I'm really grateful for it because it brought me to a better place, a really great place actually.

TJ: 4:57

I love that. I love that and, just for the sake of the listeners, has that journey for you of arriving at this place of enoughness for self, has there been any structures or things you've put in place to kind of help you remind yourself that you're enough, whether it be like therapy or support groups or any of those types of things? What has that been for you?

Bernard: 5:26

Yeah, so I started a meditation journey years ago and it's taken me a long time to do it more regularly. I'm still not great at it, but it is super-duper helpful and it's one of the things that's at the top of my list when I think about becoming the person that I am today. Also, therapy I've had so many different therapists and I recently maybe a year ago got a therapist that is a black queer male presenting person, and that's been super helpful because, while I've had other therapists that have been helpful, he knows exactly when I mentioned some things. He's like yeah, I've been there, I know exactly where you're going through. Also, medication I started taking medication 2018 after a particularly bad breakup, and then I stopped in 2020 because it was the pandemic and it wasn't really working for me, and then my brother died in January of 2023 and everything stopped.

Bernard: 6:31

My life just kind of stopped and I couldn't do the simplest things, and so that's when I realized you need some help. You need to go and get yourself a pill. Not one of my best friends, she's like bitch. If you need to get a pill, you get a pill to live your life. And so I've been on this medication and it's anti-anxiety mostly, but a little bit of anti-depressant. It's changed my life in some really beautiful ways, so I am definitely an advocate for doing that If you need to do that.

Bernard: 7:01

I used to feel like I was crazy, that people would think I was crazy and they may still, but some of the stigma I feel, especially post or mostly post-pandemic. People think about it differently and I don't know if I'm going to be on it forever, but I'm taking it now and I would take it for the rest of my life if I needed to, in order to live the life that I'm living, because it's really a lot better than what I was living Social therapy, medication, meditation and also finding your tribe. Find your people. Find the people that it doesn't I mean, all relationships are kind of work but find the people that find with you and where you are and that supports you and love you for exactly who you are. There's nothing like having community, real community for yourself.

TJ: 7:47

My God, yes, yes, I that Again. You just happened at the door of my soul today. It truly does. It puts me in a place that I think I have. It puts me in a place of softness that I've not been in in a while, because I am thinking about. I feel like we have similar backgrounds, but we'll tap on it a little later. But growing up down south and growing up in the church, you know, therapy was never a conversation right.

TJ: 8:22

Exactly, exactly when the reality is is that sometimes we need external sources for that extra bit of help and to really kind of help us understand our mind and our body and our spirits. And I don't believe I've talked about this on the show just yet, but I actually have been in therapy for a year now and I agree that it has changed my outlook on life, my outlook on myself. I feel like we've had conversations where you know I've touched on a few subjects and been like I've been doing the work prior to coming into therapy, like on my own, and I've arrived at the place where now I need someone else to like be an observer and to really help me make better decisions and really see myself, because for a long time I didn't see myself. And so I'm curious to know, from from your perspective, if you have that similar background. How has that kind of how has that like tug of war of spirituality or religion or that type of background like, but it heads with this new way of thinking?

Bernard: 9:38

That way of thinking. First of all, I will say that I was raised as a preacher's kid in Detroit, but my family on both sides has southern roots, so I know that we have experienced a lot of the same things and I'm in very much a different place than I was, and always, when it comes to spirituality and the way I believe and the way I worship and all those things. However, I will say that that foundation I am grateful for, because it gave me a perspective that I wouldn't otherwise have and it gave me just a base that I think is a good place to bounce off of. However, when it comes to the person that I am and going to therapy and doing all the things that I need to do to live my best life right now, it is so different from what I was taught, because in church I picked up things like you're not worthy, I'll never be worthy. I, you know, had to hide my sexuality and so I developed the ability to.

Bernard: 10:44

That's one of the places where I developed the ability to be whatever I needed to be for, whatever whoever, and therapy really brought me face to face with that, and the two didn't, I'd agree, so I had to find my way to acknowledge, accept and appreciate the past that I had in the church and my rearing, my rate and how it was raised, and say thank you and say goodbye. I'm still draw from what I received then, but I don't use it as a compass for who I am now, because it wasn't meant to be, was never built to be, a compass for the man that I am today. I think that that background keeps a lot of people out of therapy and a lot of people stuck.

TJ: 11:31

I agree, I'm also a preacher's kid and, with the caveat of not growing up with my dad, the influence was still very much there.

TJ: 11:44

And on my mom's side of the family it was Wednesday night, Bible study, choir rehearsal, you know, Sunday service, three o'clock program, all of those things.

TJ: 11:54

And so I spent a lot of time where I was not in school necessarily or like extracurricular activities at church.

TJ: 12:03

And as I've gotten older, I agree in saying that I am appreciative of those roots and those foundations because it, if anything, I think what I am taking from it now in my current life is the sense of community that when I got pushed out into the world I didn't really know how to figure that out, and you mentioned earlier about Finding your Tribe that whole mentality of having like this community of church members that you were a part of, that you would see on a weekly basis and potentially go out to dinner with or do other things with, did kind of solidify, I would say, my like social life in a way like as a child, like growing up into my teenage years.

TJ: 12:51

So I'm curious to know, with that in mind, for you specifically how did you come out of that type of environment of like having the sense of community and kind of figuring out your way and your path and your journey to having like better mental health. How did you find that tribe that accepted you, that loves you unconditionally, that gave you, at least for me in my mind? I'm thinking of a similar situation when you had that community of church.

Bernard: 13:22

Well, I'm still finding it because it's been fairly recent that I realized, oh, a lot of the people that I'm around that I say are friend or community members are not my people.

TJ: 13:38

Well, come on.

Bernard: 13:40

It's been a ride. It's been a ride and I realized, as a side note, that it's not necessarily their fault, because the person that I was presenting to them they thought was the person that I was and maybe was the person that I was, but now I'm not the person anymore. I'm someone a little bit different. I would say. Going into that, being honest about who I am, trying to be as authentic as possible, has afforded me. I definitely believe in the law of attraction in the universe. I believe that people that vibe with what I'm vibing are drawn to me. So it may be through social media or it may be through as an actor or a singer on a gig meet someone.

Bernard: 14:25

There's one woman that I met back in 2018 that I call my sister. She's redheaded and a white woman, but that is my sister. That is my like, we yes. So that's. There's not a specific way, there's not like a meetup or you know anything like that. And that could be a little tricky because with church and religious institutions, it's like a central place where everyone meets and that becomes your community. But when you're out here, outside of that, it can be a little difficult for people, especially as they get older, to find their turn. But me, I just try to be as honest as I can, as open as I can, and I find the people along the way, along the journey, oh my gosh, and it's taking me back to a moment, to where we first met, when.

TJ: 15:15

what was it? Men With Money, I think was the show.

Bernard: 15:18

Yeah.

TJ: 15:18

It was the first time we met and I immediately I was like wait a minute now there's some energy here that I'm interested in and I feel like we've had you know moments here and there throughout, and then I think about I think was it last year or two year, almost two years ago in San Francisco, San Francisco.

Bernard: 15:37

Yeah, you know what's funny. I'm here in Michigan working on that same show. Oh wow, this is so cool.

TJ: 15:44

Oh, it was it our time in San Francisco, because I feel like that was really that was the first time that we had a good chunk of time together, if my memory serves me correctly, and I remember just feeling so warm and embraced and seen and just love came up like vibrating off of you. But yeah, that is just. Oh, it gives me chills thinking about it. So what would you say to your younger self if you had him here right now?

Bernard: 16:23

I would first assure him that everything is going to be okay, because before this medication, it wasn't until after I started making, started taking this medication, that I realized how anxiety has ruled in my life for a very long time, and so my younger self was anxious a lot. And I would tell him that everything's going to be okay, that I would have some great experiences, that I would travel the world. I would tell him that we would finally be making our Metropolitan Opera debut, that we you know that it's just going to be a great life and that I don't have to try so hard. I would tell him, maybe you don't have to try so hard to be liked, to be loved, to be anything.

TJ: 17:19

Yeah, oh, I love it, I love it, I love it. I'm trying not to cheer up, so you have a podcast as well.

Bernard: 17:34

Yes, Damon speaks. It's kind of defunct, but maybe that's not the word. It's not, I'm not doing it right now, but it keeps coming back. People are like where is it? Where is it, and I'm like you know what I'm going to get back on the air. But yes, damon, speaks.

TJ: 17:50

Yes, damon speaks and you share a lot of good, positive messages and vibes in all the fields and I admire it and I adore it and I love it. And I agree you should bring it back because it is needed in the world In thinking about this whole topic and that's why I said I think it really just aligned with you, because there are a lot of clips that almost feel like you are giving information to your younger self or to self you know, like can, can 1000%, 1000%.

TJ: 18:29

So if you wouldn't mind, just give us a little Damon speaks nugget, if you will.

Bernard: 18:39

Oh, I would say my Damon speaks nugget for this show. This show is to not abandon yourself. It can become so easy when chasing a career or chasing a man or woman or any kind of relationship or wanting to get close with someone, that you put them on a pedestal and you look up to them and you make them greater than you are. So that means that whatever you think they want because sometimes these conversations are not happening Truly, it's on your head Whatever you think they want you to be, you are going to be there. If they say let's go to the movies on Saturday at five o'clock but you have a family that you are already committed to, but you're telling your family, oh, I have to study tonight, I can't go in, so that you can go to on a date with this person, that's like kind of like abandoning yourself and denying yourself.

Bernard: 19:27

And what I've learned is that when you do that, once that relationship dissolves which they often do what are you left with? You're left with all the things that you never did for yourself and breakups are hard. But then breakups are nearly impossible to get over when you've spent the bulk of your relationship trying to be what they want you to be and really discarding yourself. So one thing I've learned is that along the way you know we should have relationships, we should date, we should do all those things. Make sure to check in with yourself and make sure you're always honoring yourself the best of your ability and that you never forget yourself. Don't forget the home that you have in here. Always keep a little something for yourself.

TJ: 20:22

Yeah, this is just. This is amazing. You said something that I want to come back to, with checking in with yourself and in this, in this language, and this idea and this thought of speaking to our younger selves, what, what do you have or what do you do, or what do you have in place that kind of helps you reconnect to your inner child and kind of keep your adult self sure, driving you know, the car you know, metaphorically, but to honor that inner child.

Bernard: 21:00

Well, I often have conversations with my inner child and I'll say I went through a situation not too long ago. That was a situation ship and it taught me a lot of things and I had to one of the first time. For the one of the first times in my life, I was the one that said this is not working for me anymore and I walked away from it. But during that whole situation ship, I experienced a lot of disappointment and what I perceived as rejection, and so what I would do is I would literally wrap myself in my own arms and talk to my inner child and say it's okay, we're gonna be okay, I've got you. There's um, what is it called? Self um, self soothing.

Bernard: 21:51

I have learned how and I'm still learning, but I've really learned how to self soothe, and a part of that is talking to my inner child, because I'm an adult. But a lot of the ways that I would act out sometimes we're really coming from my inner child. It's really the the part of me that wasn't embraced at five, six, seven, eight years old, and so I find myself having to go back and talk to and really ask him what he needs. Sometimes it's to stay in bed later. Sometimes it's not to leave the house that day. Sometimes it's captain crunch and cartoons Rick and Morty. Like just a day for us, nobody else just a day for us.

TJ: 22:30

Um, yeah, I love that. I, um, there are definitely moments in my life when we, me and young TJ are sitting on the couch watching avatar or something of that nature and just needing to be and exist and do nothing, um, because we didn't get that a lot of the times when we were younger. So, as an adult, like the world that we live in, I know that life can be a lot. Um, specifically as a performer, it can be a whole, whole shit show. I recently saw that you booked something. Congratulations. I just want to honor that and give that to you right there. Um, I know we can't say it now loud until things are, you know, done, but congratulations, thank you. But as a as a performer, um, and and I I'm curious to know, and I feel like we've had conversations about this, but specifically as an opera performer, how, how do you, how do you kind of help your inner child, your younger self, self, deal with that type of rejection when you don't book things?

Bernard: 23:50

it's tough, as you know.

Bernard: 23:53

It is tough, um, and I.

Bernard: 23:56

One of the things that I've really been holding on to as of late is the only way out is through, and so applying that to rejection is the only way through rejection, or how to feel better when being rejected is to be rejected and to practice being rejected.

Bernard: 24:14

You've got to go through if you're not going to escape feeling terrible when you don't book something or when someone tells you that they don't like you or for whatever reason, just don't fit into a project. Um, but really having that place that I talked about when, not abandoning yourself, and building that home, what I call a home within yourself that you can retreat to when you are rejected. Knowing that you have that enables me to go out and to work harder and to be rejected even more, because I know that in a line of 100 rejections, some one person is going to say, yes, maybe more, um, and so I would say going out being okay. I'm still not okay with being rejected, but I know that I'm going to be okay, and I used to not know that, and so any hint of rejection would tear me to pieces, yeah, but now I'm just able to handle it a little bit better.

TJ: 25:10

Yeah, there's definitely um, and I think I've I think I've touched on this on the podcast before um, but I will bring it up in this moment. But I had an acting teacher when I was at cap 21, um, who helped us kind of deal with rejection and how to cope with it and his suggestion which I still do to this day, even though we're in a digital world, um, but he would say you know, when you go to an audition, say, you get a callback and you have those sides or that music or whatever it is, once you are done with an audition, rip up the paper and throw it away it. Yes, yes, it's that that simple practice changed the way that I dealt with rejection and like not booking things, because everything that I did in that room I leave there in the trash. So like any tight, any no or any bad feelings of like oh, I've messed up this note, or like my acting was a little off today or whatever. I was feeling crappy, or whatever lives there, so I don't take it home with me and so that it all hold it here.

TJ: 26:16

Yeah, and it is truly like it has changed everything because there, now it allows me to go into an audition room, do what I need to do and go about my day and say, well, that's it, I did that, mm, hmm, mm, hmm, it'll be what it'll be, and I don't have to harp on it or try to meditate on it too much and be like, well, I did this. Or uh, you know what? What happened with that note? Like you know, my vowels weren't quite right, or you know something like that.

Bernard: 26:44

But I love that, I love that, yeah, yeah, gosh. Oh and I had listen. When you walk into a room and you are ready, quote unquote to be rejected and you just kind of don't care and you're just being yourself. I booked more now than I did back then because I'm not so tied to the result. I'm going to have a great experience.

TJ: 27:04

Exactly or whatever yeah. I'm like I wish someone would have told me that, coming out of college.

Bernard: 27:13

But now we have the responsibility to tell others which is what you're doing, you're true.

TJ: 27:16

Oh, my gosh, oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Also. This has been great. I this, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for doing this, absolutely Are you kidding me.

TJ: 27:27

Oh my gosh, I, I love you, I see you, I hear you, I feel you, I am with you. Like this is leaps and bounds better than I could ever could have imagined. So I really appreciate it and I thank you for taking the time to do this. That's so lovely. So I have three questions, okay, unrelated to the topic, just to let Damon speak, so to speak, just so you don't speak.

Bernard: 27:55

One thing is you don't do, is you don't speak.

TJ: 27:59

What are you most grateful for?

Bernard: 28:03

I'm most grateful for all the things that I thought were set to destroy me, but were actually lessons that helped me become the person that I am today. That's what I'm most grateful for. I wasn't always, but today I'm grateful for that. Oh my God, that's beautiful. Yeah, if you were not to speak, you were not to be you were not to be.

TJ: 28:28

You were not to be. Yeah, if you were not an opera singer or a performer, what would you be doing?

Bernard: 28:39

Well, I would either be a mechanic engineer, a mechanical engineer or an automotive engineer, because I love cars, I love designing. But if that hadn't worked out, I may be a medical professional, probably a nurse.

TJ: 28:55

I was going to say you give very much acts of service Like I get that, I completely get that. And then last question what brings you the most peace?

Bernard: 29:05

What brings me the most peace is knowing, having a deep knowing that I'm going to be okay, that no matter what happens, no matter who comes or goes, I can take care of myself and that I am going to be okay. That's beautiful.

TJ: 29:26

Oh my gosh, I love you, I love you.

Bernard: 29:33

Thank you for having me. Thank you for asking me. Where can the folks find you? Primarily on Instagram at Bernard Damon Holcomb, and I'm also on TikTok at Bernard Damon Holcomb as well and my website, bernardholcombcom.

TJ: 29:52

So that's our show, friends. Thank you for listening and I will see you next week. And that's our show, friends. Thanks for joining us on Teen with TJ. Please rate, review and subscribe, and you can find us on Instagram at Teen with TJ podcast. And, as always, stay kind, keep sipping and remember we're here, so we might as well do it.