Ayooo. And
Welcome back WITHOUT A DOUBT, the podcast where we celebrate living life authentically and organically as ourselves. We are the ones who believe in creating our own paths and living our truths out loud. Join in on honest and open conversation about self-discovery and growth.
Im ya girl Mad, your host, im a freelance entrepreneur, a thirty something year old human that has never exactly done what was expected of me. Im a sprinkle of reality, glimmer of sunshine, & as unfiltered as they come. Im here to remind you that its okay to do life different . That you don’t have to be what is expected of you.. and that your happiness matters.
We loosely toss terms and phrases around. We label, title, sticker, designate, and love to box people in with words. Call these descriptive ideas we have about one another. However, sometimes we start to overuse these terms about people.
I recently was called selfish. I have hard this before. Not new. Hell, I even say I can be selfish. A friend, therapist, and lover girl I know said that being selfish isn’t a bad thing, or a dirty word. We often mix up selfishness with selflessness.
Being called selfish doesn’t feel like a compliment, but the trait can actually make you a better person, psychology experts say.
Melissa Deuter, clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Texas Health Science Center at San Antonio, agrees. “Selfish is an ugly word but it can mean two different things,” she says. “One connotation is that you’re unkind and inconsiderate of others. The other is that you take responsibility for getting your personal, emotional and physical needs met, and that’s an important part of becoming an adult.”
The word selfish (of a person, action, or motive) means you lacking consideration for other people; Doing IT solely for you, without regard for anyone else.
The word selfless means you are mainly concerned with the needs and wishes of others, much more than your own. putting others first.
This episode is going to circle the ideas about being selfish and what is really means. We dive into selflessness and self care. Call this the SELF episode. I can’t wait to discuss the benefits of being selfish and nail the coffin shut on this term that we use so damn loosely. Its a word that can seem hurtful, but its not a harsh word. I find we tend to use it to hurt, harm, and attack someone, when we feel someone Is being “selfish”. It’s almost like we use it when we dont like what others are doing because it isn’t benefiting us.
George Carlin has a joke about We say we care about others, but we still take the bread from the middle of the loaf.. sn, I LIKE THE end of the bread. But this made me giggle, because everyone wants the best piece. Doesnt that mean we are all selfish?
More often than not, I do know im here to live my life, but I also have this spot in my heart where help and love comes from. I care, reach out, and sometimes extend a hand when I shouldn’t. I do this time and time again even when I know some situations are take an arm, versus just lending a hand. And from these moments, ive learned that I need to be more selfish.
I am a natural empath. I feel deeply. I also find that people pour deeply into me. Often times I feel robbed or drained of my own energy, leaving me to replenish and recharge. There’s a very very small amount of people in my bubble who truly understand this of me. And those who understand this of me, are the ones who continuously remind me to be selfish. Not only with my energy, but my time. This is something ive really wrangled in, in the last few years, because I find myself loosing time for myself. Ill help and do things for others, but not me.
Bob Rosen, author of Grounded: How Leaders Stay Rooted in an Uncertain World (Jossey-Bass, 2013). “When you take care of yourself first, you show up as a healthy, grounded person in life.”
He says its in your nature to take care of ourself first, and then got a bad wrap with the source of negative emotions like fear and guilt. Guilt is one of those things too, that people will throw at you, to make you feel as thought what you chose to do is not actually the right thing, even if you feel it is.
We each have out own thoughts about what is right vs wrong, to do or not to do. What we would do or wouldnt do. We all have our own ideas, boundaries, and life vortex. How we navigate our life and how we put one foot in front of the other is dictated a lot of the time by how we want the world to see uss : What we put out into the world. So when someone sees something about you, that you dont think you are, or think is a negative trait, these start to get to our minds and begin that questions cycle .. like am I that way?
Just because someone thinks youre selfish, doesnt mean youre selfish. A lot of times what youre doing to benefit you, others won’t understand.
I Find this most true with entrepenuers, self employed, or the hustlers. This set of people are building a life that most people Never muster the courage to do. This lifestyle usually means double the amount of work, Sacrifices, but also freedom. If you have ever had a friend building their dream, you might find them in that constant grind. Except their grind is motivated by their idea of success, their dream, their idea. And most people won’t get that. for example, I dont have a traditional schedule. I work random times of the day, hours, and on weekends. There are times I decline an event, invitation, party, because I know I have to keep putting in the work for my business. This is not mean to be understood by most. Why because most people go to work for a check and clock out and thats that. Being an entrepreneur means 24/7 work because not only do you OWN IT, but you want success. You want to make sure money is coming in. Nothing is guaranteed as a business owner. Until you run and own a business, small or big, this is hard to understand. Sacrifices will be made and being Called selfish, in my opinion is used incorrectly. Its called being hardworking, motivated, and having drive. Being able to create your dream life is hard, especially if youre making your own money. There is no road map, just usually you navigating the road, and learning how to navigate away from negative opinions or harsh thoughts about your path.
Selfishness, selflessness and self care all tie into together. Holding on to just one of these at the time is self serving. In life happiness, gratitude, and compassion all come together when we can find our self worth.
There’s this thing called the “helpers high” that activates a part of the brain just like eating dessert. Its a small little wave of dopamine. Get doped on on doing small acts of selflessness, for example even holding a door open, helping someone who dropped something, even giving money to someone in need.
Other ways that selfishness will elevate your life is through confidence. Confident people tend to follow through on their goals and ask for what they want unapologetically. These people tend to be in leadership roles. Not only that but being selfish can help you establish boundaries. This is another thing people are amazing at breaking down and letting you know suck. side note, you created boundaries to protect your peace and self care. Self care leads to self love, self love leads to self worth, self worth, leads to being more selfish about who and what you give to.
Lastly. Being selfish can actually create a happier life, why? Because your ultimately living out your life and ideas your way. Laying down the bricks for the path you want to travel. Putting yourself first isn’t selfish, its allowing you to refill your cup to pour into others. I swear I say this all the time on these episodes. How are you going to care for others when you can’t even care for yourself?
Granted there are many ways to go about this topic, but I wanted to lay out why calling someone selfish is actually selfish? I did name and mention benefits, but usually the reason we are being called this is because the opposite end of the stick isn’t getting what they want. Their needs arent meant, meaning you arent catering to their selfish instincts.
Doing things and offering out of selflessness comes from the heart. Real genuine selfless people will offer to help people, but still know what they will and won’t tolerate. Being selfless doesnt mean being run over and doing what everyone wants. Being selfless Selfless involves acts of kindness, generosity, and compassion towards others without expecting anything in return. Its also okay to offer something and then realize the terms of the deal arent for you. Being selfish because something isn’t for you, isn’t being selfish. Its knowing youre truest self. And thats something ill always clap for.
So next time someone calls you selfish, just know its not a bad thing. Its not negative or nasty. Its just an opinion.. and we all have one, just like we all have an asshole. You may even think someone you know is selfish, why ? Because not all of our ideas, values, thoughts, and decisions are going to align with each person. Thats okay.
If youre constantly doing for others but never for you, then you’ll never be doing what you want in your life. We only have one life to live, so you can’t always live it for them and so what they want. You gotta be selfish sometimes in order to be selfless.
This life is yours to live out your best way. Dont forget that you are without a doubt a badass, ill see you next week where Ive got a new guest talking about chronic illness, being a miltiary spouse, body image, and a hell of a good ass conversation with a new friend named Sarah.
See you next week! Xoxo mad
* https://www.fastcompany.com/90733774/4-types-of-clutter-that-stop-you-from-achieving-your-purpose
