EP. 39 People Pleasing
HEY! AND WELCOME BACK TO WITHOUT A DOUBT, the podcast . Im your host, mad, a cycle breaker, entrepreneur, and sprinkle of reality. This podcast is a place where we celebrate living life authentically and organically as ourselves. We are the ones breaking cycles, making waves, and living out the truest versions of ourselves.
Growing up I always wanted to be a daddy’s girl. But I had an absent dad. Long story short im a mommas girl because my mom was a single mom basically my whole life and then when she did divorce, my dad sprinkled his visits in between prison and when he was actually capable. I say this because there were 3 of us kids and trying to keep himself straight while working a shitty waiting job and trying to be a good dad was too hard, so he did it when he could, which was sparingly. I think because I knew my dad struggled to be a good dad even at 8 years old, I always went with him when he would take us for the night or dinner or whatever he had to offer. But as I got older I realized going with my dad, doing the weekend things with his kids was really hard on him. Financially, but he just wasn’t straight, or just made bad choices, like once taking me to a crack house to pick up for himself. I think at 13 I learned the hard stop on people pleasing. I laid down my laws with my dad, said what I had to say, and learned at an early age its okay to keep people at arms length even if its your family.
I learned early on that people pleasing, doing things for others like going to see my dad on his terms, wasn’t for me. My dad, the boundaries I had to create, the ties I had to break showed me that I could be myself in order to live an authentic life. I can’t tell you it was easy, but I can tell you that it feels so much better to follow what feels best in your heart. People pleasing is something that happens to all of us, we all seek validation but I think its important to be able to draw the line on totally people pleasing or just doing things because you’re a Genuinely good person and want to.
Its completely normal to want to do things right or make people proud. We want to avoid conflict, but ultimately Its inevitable. but sometimes we tend to let people walk over us, aka start people pleasing. This episode is just the tip of the iceberg on the topic but I feel its important to bring this to light as living out an authentic life means youre going to disappoint a fuck ton of people.
I constantly rearrange my own plans in order to fit things into my life and schedule and honestly I know its a me thing, im not complaining but this is me people pleasing. Ill talk more about this stupid shit I do to myself in a bit.
What is people pleasing?
People pleasing is a term that describes someone who consistently tries to please others, sometimes at the expense of their own needs. People pleasers may be seen as helpful and kind, but constantly making themselves available can take a toll on their emotions. Some signs of people pleasing include:
- Avoiding disagreeing with people or voicing honest opinions—
- Having trouble saying no or setting healthy boundaries
- Constantly seeking approval or trying to please other people
- Worrying too much about other people's needs
People pleasing is the tendency to place an inordinate value on relationships over personal independence. This can become harmful to oneself. Sometimes we do this so we dont let people down, or so we dont get rejected and in turn this only leads us down a false road of self.
People-pleasing can also sometimes come with manipulative behaviors because we have a specific outcome in mind: please people. Our goal with these behaviors is to make sure we're seen as good people by others. For certain, we want to be helpful, but the being helpful part of people-pleasing is not as important as the perception that we're helpful! that means even doing things you may not want to do and sacrificing your own time or work. Or better yet this can lead to resentment when youre not able to be firm in advocating for something you may need first.
You might be saying, Madison, like no, im a badass cycle breaker who does shit on my own terms, but dont be fooled. We all can become people pleasers without even realizing it. I myself have fallen victim and often, even weekly, to be honest. I find myself taking my “ free “ days and using them to help others when I know im designating my time for me, but im placing my relationships over my personal needs. I know its not good, but im human. Im acknowledge it.
Family is in my opinion is one of the hardest place where people pleasing falls into place. Why? Because growing up your parents, aunts, grandparents are the people who usually give you validation. We are all seeking validation. we tend to want to make our family proud. We want to do what makes them happy, you want to keep peace. You want to keep balance and happiness. A lot of the time this is where people pleasing starting taking a toll on your mental health. When youre not respecting your time, boundaries, or space youre not providing yourself with the tools you need to continue filling your cup. If you’ve been listening for a bit I talk all the time about filling our cups.
Weekly I see my grandma, I get to see my grandma. We get lunch, go get het groceries or whatever else she wants to do. I love this day, but its one day every week that I essentially put aside. I feel guilty on the weeks I might have to miss due to being out of town, working some odd job, or whatever. I have had a lunch date plan with my grandma for over 15 years.. so I feel obligated, but I also love to see her and talk about nothing. Like I said I sometimes put my own personal shit aside so this day is dedicated to her.
I usually have an openish schedule. I freelance, so most people think I sit on my ass and do nothing all day, but I feel busier than the average 9-5. I have family members who would call me the day before to watch their baby or need a favor, and as much work as I had to do, I would go. People pleasing at its finest. Putting the relationships and what others needed over my own. Truthfully Im a person who likes to help, and I think its because I enjoy being needed.. however I dont like to feel like im being taken advantage of. I think there’s a point in everyones life where youre like fuck that, I have my own life to live, I want to do it my way. Ultimately youre happier doing things you decide on your own. Independent thinking leads to higher self esteem and confidence.
If youre a people pleaser or maybe youre like damn, ive been feeling like im doing so much for others and not enough for me because i always say yes.. excessive people pleasing has the potential for numerous negative consequences. They may experience fear of rejection and disappointing others, lead you to having low self-esteem because you’ll start to have difficulty making independent decisions, and difficulty setting healthy boundaries.boundaries are soooo important. it keeps you in bounds with what you need as yourself. We all have different boundaries but you have to honor them in order for the boundaries to be bounding.
These 8 tips can help you learn how to stop people-pleasing, find value in yourself, and leave behind these tendencies for good:
- Recognize your choices. ... take accountability. Know what youre actually capable of and use that to help guide you to choices that feel genuine to you.
- Set goals for your own life. I think the journey is a lot better, but I think an end goal is just like having your eye on the prize. You need something sparkly in front of you reminding you the purpose. Its so easy to fall off track.
- Establish boundaries at work and in life. ... all around. Make sure youre adhering to your boundaries. You made them for a reason.
- Start small. sometimes people jump and dont realize you can’t do it all at once. Im learning this too. But also slow and steady actually wins the race. Small steps like just saying no instead of yes to something might show you “ you go that shit.”
- Give yourself time. Remember start slow, slow and steady. These changes are hard if youre a people pleaser. Rome wasn’t built in one day.. ya know.
- Be willing to get uncomfortable. Oofff. For some reason these changes never feel great when you start doing them because its different. Its not your norm. Its okay.. the more you do it the more confident you’ll feel.
- Stop apologizing and start advocating for yourself. No one is going to be able to voice your feelings better Than you. You know what’s going on in your mind, no-one is a fucking mindreader. I think people pleasers usually feel run over, or just pulled a billions ways. When you can’t say no.
- Encourage yourself, and if not, let me tell you, its possible you can! Go glen coco.
This story just came to mind but recently I was leaving the gym and a friend was heading into the gym and bumped into each other and she mentioned we should workout sometime… and immediately I was like NO. lol. I dont think she took it any kind of way, I know she didnt, but I was like girl im all over on my times and yeah no. I will tell you I thought about this conversation for like 2 days, so much so im bringing it up here. Because I know what I do and dont like to do and honestly gyming with others is a no for me.
No need to people please. Authentic living isn’t easy, no-one said it was. Its essentially you chopping your way through the amazon with a machete finding the most beautiful waterfall you might find. Its you weaving and carving and creating a path. Sometimes it takes longer to figure out what or who or when. Sometimes we dont even realize what’s evolving in the moment. At the end of the day you gotta please you, you gotta do the things that light you up so the radiance can shine through.
People pleasing 101 has come to and end, but dont let me forget to remind you that you are without a doubt a badass. Next week I talk all about how I lost 75 lbs in one year, how I went from mindless eating to mindful eating, and im going to really get personal.
See you then.
Xoxo
Mad
