When Simone Renee Colbert first embraced motherhood, little did she know it would lead her to the bustling streets of New York City and a life devoted to empowering women as a doula. As she shares her transformative journey, we're reminded that sometimes the most profound callings emerge from life’s unexpected twists. Simone's infectious energy will captivate you as she recounts how her own experiences during childbirth propelled her to become an advocate for birthing choices, especially among Black women, highlighting the undeniable strength in informed and supported deliveries.
The staggering maternal mortality rates among women of color are a chilling reality that cannot be ignored. In our heart-to-heart with Simone, we confront the sobering statistics and personal narratives that underscore the urgency of self-advocacy and the value of having a doula or midwife present during childbirth. Her poignant tales of postpartum challenges serve as a powerful reminder of the stakes involved and the difference that knowledge and compassionate care can make in creating safer birthing environments.
Beyond birth, Simone's journey spills into the realm of education, where she confronts the institutionalized racism that many Black children face. Through her eyes, we examine alternative educational paths that challenge the status quo and offer a culturally rich and supportive learning environment for her children. Simone's embracing of homeschooling and the pursuit of academic excellence, despite the trials faced, is a riveting narrative that redefines success and resilience in the face of adversity. Join us as we celebrate her story — a beacon of inspiration for parents and educators alike, advocating for change and a better future for all our children.
⏰ Chapter Markers ⏰
0:00 - Black Woman Navigating Social Spaces
11:57 - Navigating Challenges and Maintaining Joy
23:54 - Navigating Motherhood and Healing Trauma
29:58 - Navigating Motherhood and Parenting Challenges
37:49 - Parenting and Guiding Young Talent
48:33 - Motherhood, Self-Care, and Asking for Help
1:00:23 - Connecting With Audiences Through Instagram
A Podcast for the less than perfect mom!"
➣ For Guest Appearances, Sponsorship & Bookings: shxtmom@gmail.com
➣ Visit our official website: https://www.ForShxttyMoms.com
When Simone Renee Colbert first embraced motherhood, little did she know it would lead her to the bustling streets of New York City and a life devoted to empowering women as a doula. As she shares her transformative journey, we're reminded that sometimes the most profound callings emerge from life’s unexpected twists. Simone's infectious energy will captivate you as she recounts how her own experiences during childbirth propelled her to become an advocate for birthing choices, especially among Black women, highlighting the undeniable strength in informed and supported deliveries.
The staggering maternal mortality rates among women of color are a chilling reality that cannot be ignored. In our heart-to-heart with Simone, we confront the sobering statistics and personal narratives that underscore the urgency of self-advocacy and the value of having a doula or midwife present during childbirth. Her poignant tales of postpartum challenges serve as a powerful reminder of the stakes involved and the difference that knowledge and compassionate care can make in creating safer birthing environments.
Beyond birth, Simone's journey spills into the realm of education, where she confronts the institutionalized racism that many Black children face. Through her eyes, we examine alternative educational paths that challenge the status quo and offer a culturally rich and supportive learning environment for her children. Simone's embracing of homeschooling and the pursuit of academic excellence, despite the trials faced, is a riveting narrative that redefines success and resilience in the face of adversity. Join us as we celebrate her story — a beacon of inspiration for parents and educators alike, advocating for change and a better future for all our children.
⏰ Chapter Markers ⏰
0:00 - Black Woman Navigating Social Spaces
11:57 - Navigating Challenges and Maintaining Joy
23:54 - Navigating Motherhood and Healing Trauma
29:58 - Navigating Motherhood and Parenting Challenges
37:49 - Parenting and Guiding Young Talent
48:33 - Motherhood, Self-Care, and Asking for Help
1:00:23 - Connecting With Audiences Through Instagram
A Podcast for the less than perfect mom!"
➣ For Guest Appearances, Sponsorship & Bookings: shxtmom@gmail.com
➣ Visit our official website: https://www.ForShxttyMoms.com
This episode of FSM is brought to you by Fidelity Behavioral Alliance, your number one source for behavior change. Fidelity Behavioral Alliance creates behavior change programs for schools, parents and organizations looking to reduce problem behaviors and improve performance outcomes. Find out more at wwwfidelitybehavioralalliancecom. If you would like to sponsor an episode of FSM, email us at shitmomatgmailcom. That's S-H-X-T-M-O-M at gmailcom.
Speaker 1:It's time to put the kids to bed, so y'all get ready for another episode of For Shitty Moms. Hey everyone, this is part two of a two-part series, so if you haven't listened to part one, go ahead and stream that on your favorite platform. I'll tell anybody. I became a science teacher because at that point I failed so many damn science classes. Hell, I can't teach the class because I've taken it about ten times. I can teach all these science classes because I've failed them so many times. But it took me to fail a chemistry course and I had to retake it in the summer and I ended up with a black adjunct professor, and from there her examples were so relatable I will tell any and everybody. Once she started relating chemistry to relaxers that you put in your hair as a black woman, that shit started clicking like this Listen, we're gonna understand that.
Speaker 1:Give me some concrete examples that I've seen in my life Right and that's how I learned about balancing chemical equations and chemical bonds and all of that and I never have gotten it, that's right, you got to neutralize and shift, Hello. But it's those instances where I'm like those are those pivotal moments. It was like, okay, I can do this because once it clicked, I was no longer that failing student. Right, I didn't fail.
Speaker 1:Those shitty ass teachers failed because they couldn't give me anything that I could identify with, right, but I'm still here in this space where they're not trying to make you feel welcome. So you know, those were just gen ed courses. Then you get into your major and your concentration and these caddy ass girls who have done all this prep and probably went to private schools their whole lives and now they're competing with their GPAs and their grades with me and one of my best friends to this day. We met each other at the University of Florida. Both of us were failing the same class, Like shit, I don't belong here. And somebody was like oh, I got a friend, you might want to study with her Bitch. We both failing, how we going she failing the class, I'm failing the class and somehow we got together and we were just blowing that shit out of the water and it was so many girls who just could not stand it to the point where, oh, you crammed for that test.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm going to go talk to the professor about what, Because I outscored. But yeah, they had that audacity to let me know, Like you don't deserve to get that grade. Really, how would you know? So it's these things that we encountered, as you know, very, very young adults and college students, and that just kind of shaped my attitude to you. Know what I'm going to be in these spaces? It's going to make people uncomfortable and I still have to be successful. And no, they're not going to try to help you. Right, that was my take on it. You're not going to get the help you deserve it. You're not going to get it. And if somebody else were in your same position, but they don't look like you guess what? They're going to get the help and you're going to be forced to even help them at times. How are you going to navigate that space? Because that is the reality of a black woman, anywhere, I don't care what industry you're in.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's so true, Lori, it's so true, Absolutely. Listen, even at our age it's still happening and I know. You see it day to day. I see it. I even see it in birth work. Like I mentioned, we've been doing this forever. Black women have been doulas before. We wanted to be doulas. It was just what we had to do to survive in a way. But some of these trainings I walk into some of these meetings most of the birth workers will be white, speaking for us and it's like whoa, whoa, sis. You know, like your sister, what's happening here. You know like this is ours, You're taking what's ours and I just commend you for making it in those spaces. And truly, truly, I'm stuck in between, like we just gonna send all of our kids to HBCUs, and the truth is we live in this country and we deserve to be in those spaces.
Speaker 1:Right and I always tell people, like, look, I always had so many friends who gave me so much shit for going to UF and not fam or like an HBCU. And it's like, look, the difference is, when you go to a PWI, you are reminded every day that you're black, every class, every tutoring session, because the professor isn't going to talk to you why you are another seat and in their eyes you're taking somebody's seat who could be more productive and more successful and more useful. Right, so it's not like you forgot that you were black. You can't, you can't forget that you're black at a PWI because they're not going to let you. So I always hear like, even when we would go visit, say for homecoming, it was just so nice to be able to breathe and be surrounded by people who look like you and I hear that from a lot of my friends who are black, who travel to other countries, and they they're like.
Speaker 1:You know, I've never been to this country before, but I just felt safe because I was surrounded by people who look like me. And how nice is that to wake up and go outside and everybody looks like you, like you don't stand for once. You don't stand out like a sore thumb Like and I got that my husband, he's Haitian and when we went to Haiti I'm like, I felt home. I felt like I was at home, like God. This is a nice feeling, like walking through the A way to grow up.
Speaker 2:Right, what a place to call home. That's really dope.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was just like this is not like I can get used to this. Just going anywhere and everybody looks like me you don't even know that I'm not from here.
Speaker 2:I want to go to Ghana very soon and I'm like, look y'all don't be bad if I don't come back. I'm a god, there's my Amadou. It'd be good for life, you know, because it's so true, those places feel like home and I really think we deserve those spaces, to deserve all the spaces, because, if you ask me, black folk created all this.
Speaker 1:So. So how do you prepare your son for that? I know he's in the home school, but eventually he's going to come to a point where both of them are going to come to a place where they are no longer in those spaces. And and what?
Speaker 2:do you do? You know that's a good question, laurie and I ask myself that often, and I feel like we're going to be traveling soon, in the next three months, and I feel like that is going to be one of headsets, wake up calls, because when we do go to Europe for his soccer training, I have a feeling we're going to be the only black family. So this is going to be a conversation to be had for sure. But for now, what I all I pour into my children, that they are capable, that they are amazing. I just pour, pour a lot of love into them, but at the same time, I'm very real. I'm very, very real with them too.
Speaker 1:Okay. So I feel like you also fall into that super positive, super mom category. Like, do you have those times where you have your shitty mom moments where it's like, oh my God, what am I doing? Like, oh, I'm sorry, Glory.
Speaker 2:Girl. Yes, Co-parenting is not always easy.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:And I had a moment this morning where I was just like, and we're not going to feed into that, oh, okay, but it's true I have shitty mom moments and I just have to remind myself that I am only accountable for what I do, okay, and how I react. And then also, I'm an example to my children. I really try to be the best example I can be. Definitely, something that is important to me is allowing my children to feel how they feel Okay.
Speaker 2:I recently lost a friend and Hattap was home with me when I found out and I was just not okay. I was crying all day and one of my friends asked me well, isn't Hattap home with you? What about him? And I said you know what he needs to see me like this Because in a way, I'm giving him permission to feel, because one day he may lose a friend and I don't want him to bottle that shit up. I want him to be able to say you know what I feel?
Speaker 2:Terrible, I'm sad, I feel depressed or whatever it is. So I don't really hide a lot from my children. They know who their mom is, they know when I'm dealing with something. I'm very real with them. Yeah, and as far as co-parenting goes, lord, lord, as wonderful as my children are, I do have tough moments with their dads. But again, I'm very serious about not talking bad about the other parent. I want my children to build the relationship with their fathers on their own and they'll see and feel about their dads how they do. But, lord, it's the struggle.
Speaker 1:So what happens when you fall short? How do you do you self-correct? Do you talk to them? I do.
Speaker 2:I apologize to my children. I do. I'm big on that Because I want them to know that it's important for them to apologize too. You may offend people, you may rub people the wrong way, things may happen, you may make mistakes, but face it head on. But I tell them mommy, I'm really sorry, mommy snapped at you. It's just been a tough day and I'm going to take 15 minutes to go take a breather and we're going to get through this. That's straight up how I talk to my kids and I ask them how they're feeling. Something happened in school. How did that make you feel Like that? Huh? What you going to do about it next time, right?
Speaker 1:See, I've been trying to reel it in Because I feel like once I realized my son kind of had me on that pedestal, I'm like, ooh, son, let me lower your expectations. Like he had mommy on this pedestal. Mommy doesn't make mistakes, Mommy doesn't do anything wrong. And I'm like, whoa, let me fix that. Right now I'm trying to dial it back because I feel like even that like I have so many outside stressors just juggling a lot Like girl, that cannot be your crutch, that you know you behave in this way because of stress or because of this or because of that, Because then I don't want him to start using that as an excuse.
Speaker 1:Oh I'm stressed out, so I did this. Oh I'm stressed out, so I did that. That's real, yeah. So I've been trying to reel it back in, but I've also, during the process, I've also been kind of coaching him through it as I coach myself through it. So I'll let him know like no, mommy's not perfect. Actually, I'm working on it because I shouldn't be doing that. So I'm going to try to do X, Y, Z, Like I you know my behavior therapy brain kind of kicks in when it wants to and I always tell him like no, I need to replace that behavior with something else, because that's not okay Like I did it. I was upset, I feel how I feel, but that wasn't the right reaction.
Speaker 2:I have.
Speaker 1:I need to do better. So I've been trying to hold myself accountable in that way, because I want him to see no, I'm not perfect, but this is how you kind of navigate your way when you make a mistake, right, and sometimes you can't fix those mistakes. So you don't think sorry is going to fix it all the time, because it doesn't. It's not. We need to see a change of action. Yeah, absolutely. So I've been trying to hold myself accountable in that way. A huge one for me is like having those explosive reactions and then my mouth oh, my gosh, the curse words. Like I'm even. Like I said that's going to be one of my new year's resolutions. I haven't really talked about it, I'm trying to mentally prepare, but like I, I got to stop cursing. Like I just need to just get it.
Speaker 2:It's a balancing right, lori, because somebody said this to me and I'm like you're right. Like curse words is just like a little season, you know, for your conversation. You know it's like we need like a mother. Sometimes it's just what it is Shit, damn it, no. At the same time, it's about balance.
Speaker 1:Right now I'm off balance.
Speaker 1:I'm out this pretty reckless You're like a failure, right, I'm like, oh boy, like the last job that I had, I think it just I don't know working for the school district, I accepted a position that was like way more stressful than like I had to have that come to Jesus moment with myself. Like, girl, you are 30, you look 40, like you're probably going to die from stress. Like, literally, I was going to the ER like I think I'm having a heart attack, I think I'm having a stroke, and it was stress. So I left one job and traded it for like another toxic ass job and, like I said, between like the workplace discrimination and the racism and the institutional ized racism, it was just like I had hit my limit and I would come home like asking my husband, like are they fucking with me? Like am I crazy? Because it will make you feel crazy, and I feel like that's when it started and I have since left there.
Speaker 1:But those residual responses, like now those F bombs just drop and they just keep dropping and keep dropping and I'm like, oh Lord, like make it stop. Like I tell everybody I have I have a oh, you probably remember her, my best friend Ebony, like she's super positive, like you super positive, and I'm like so I have an angel that's like my best friend on one side. But then I got this Kevin Hart Samuel L Jackson angel on the other side and it's just don't let Lauren say I'll encourage it.
Speaker 2:I'm like, look, that's the doula and me. I'm like, look, if you need to cuss during this birth screen, girl, it's your birth. What you need to say to get this baby out.
Speaker 1:I love that, but it's like my son is bad. When he walks around going money language, I'm like, okay, okay, okay. So you know, right now he's my little prompt, my little SD to be like, oh, reel it in, like you didn't drop too many, reel it in so right now, like those are my challenges, just try and not to be so reactive. And I feel like when I watch your videos online, whatever you're doing, if it's alive, if it's a reel, I'm just like damn, I want that like you, just look happy, like your kids look happy, you're just sometimes you'll wake up and I'll see a video and it's just you dancing like shit.
Speaker 1:I feel good today I'm a dance like I love that.
Speaker 2:I love. I love that you love it. I'm gonna keep it going. I'm gonna keep it going. But the truth is we have to hold on to joy. We deal with so much bullshit. It's like women, as mothers, like we owe it to ourselves not to let nobody bring stress to our lives. Truly, like and I don't know, you know where it started with me I feel like I've always been a happy person, but I really, as as I become older, like I don't play about it, like okay, I'm one of those people like don't bring no stress around me, honey, don't bring that around me. Going over there with that, like I'm allergic to it. Truly, because we deal with so much, you know, in, life truly is short. I don't know if you knew this, but I lost my mom at six years old. I didn't know that she was 29 and also I lost a friend in October and it just put things in perspective for me that we can literally be here today and go on tomorrow.
Speaker 2:We lost mr Johnson, um, a couple years ago, and it's just like life is not promised and if anything, I'm gonna enjoy this shit to the wheels fall off yeah you know, I'm gonna laugh, I'm gonna eat, I'm gonna be married, I'm gonna enjoy my children, I'm gonna have fun with them, because the truth is, I could be going next week yeah um, and I don't take that lightly at all, I really don't so how do you deal with the challenges of motherhood?
Speaker 1:like I know you're, you're vigilant with your joy, but when it comes to your kids, I feel like we all have that, that switch right and everybody is like mama, bear and everything else. So how do you maintain that joy and that same energy and how do you keep things in perspective when it comes to, like, parenting and challenges with your kids specifically?
Speaker 2:oh, that's true because I, that's one thing. I don't get angry often, but when I do is usually about my kids. Okay, um, reeling it in. It's tough, um, but I've also had to realize, you know, there's only but so much protecting, like it is my, my oldest calling me now um, there's only but so much protecting that we can do. Okay, um, and each of us have our own journey. So I have to remind myself of that. I can't protect them from everything, but while I'm here, I don't play about my kids.
Speaker 2:Um, head to head phone is actually connected to my, to where somebody texts him. I can see it. Um, not necessarily that didn't happen on purpose, I don't know how, but when I added his line for his birthday, um, whoever texts him, I can see it and I ain't gonna change it. I like that. Yeah, I like that. One of one of his little friends was texting him like I'ma beat you up, i'ma beat you and I I hop right in that text oh, this is head taps, mom, and you're gonna keep your hands to yourself because we don't fight. And then I text head on the side. I said if you need to block him, please do, because I I'll go. I get crazy, okay, like I'm real, you know, but the funny thing is I've never been in a fight in my life, so I'm telling you, the person that I let hands on is gonna get a whole lot baby.
Speaker 2:Don't let it be nobody but my kid, i'ma tell. Tell you a new one, I swear. But um, it's all about balance it's all about balance, but I will, yeah, and they're, they're dead. No, I don't play about them because if anybody he's gotten cussed out. I was just like don't make him like the sucker again yeah, they usually catch the wrath.
Speaker 1:Uh, yeah, I feel like that that's accurate. They usually get it and you know they have to adjust accordingly. I, I can see that. I can see that. Um, what was I gonna say? So you, definitely okay. So I, I like asking my mom's this and I'm just interested to see. I'm just going through the questions, but so I kind of coined the term shitty mom syndrome, where you just have like that guilt, or like you start going through those seasons where it's like I just can't get it right, like what am I doing wrong or what? How can I make it better? I'm failing at everything, like this sucks right. So when you find yourself in those seasons, how do you push through it?
Speaker 2:oh, that's tough, um. I thought about that this morning with PJ, my older son, being with his dad. Something I struggle with is I don't ever want him to look back and say my mom gave me away or my mom abandoned me, um, and my, my stepmother kind of brought it back home for me. It's like, simone, you do so much for him, even even when you all are not together, you do so much for him, um, it's tough. It's tough, um, and I I wrestle with that all the time, but I know that I made that decision because I did not want to be a selfish parent. I also didn't want him to look back and say, ma, you never let me get to know and be with my father, okay, um, and I didn't want. So it's like that's huge, yeah it's like you know where?
Speaker 2:where am I gonna fall in that, in that story, in that journey? And I'm just like Simone, you just have to continue to show up and do your best. And that's the same thing I say to my clients when they're struggling with breastfeeding, or it's a first time mom and she's not confident about her ability to take this baby home and take care of it, I'm like, look, sis, it's, you are not trying, you are doing, because it's either you do or you don't. You know, um, and like it's really, sometimes it's not a day at a time, sometimes it's literally a moment at a time but, um, I've heard this before and I say it to myself all the time Simone, just make the next best decision.
Speaker 1:Don't think about years from now, because that might be too overwhelming, but for today, as a mother, and for yourself, make the next best decision, I love that I feel like this is therapeutic, because I'm usually I'm that high strong, like if something doesn't go right, like it's I'm again, the it's the end of the world, and usually I'm that high strong mom. That's like if something is wrong with my kid or if I feel like I'm missing the mark, and usually it's that mom guilt of if my son is missing the mark, then I feel like my son is missing the mark because of something that I did wrong, so I struggle with that a lot.
Speaker 1:So I love that you're saying like make the next best decision, because that could be anything and you really can't go back in time either. So we can't go back in time, we can't, we cannot we really, you know sometimes you make those mistakes and you can't erase them.
Speaker 1:They're just there and I think my biggest thing has always been like I don't want to inflict trauma, but yeah, usually, um, with you saying make the next best decision. That's, I guess, the reminder that I need for my damn self. Um, because some days I feel like oh, girl, you like oh and three, right now, you mishandled that, you mishandled this one, you, you mishandled that. Like what are you doing? And it just makes it. And it's usually those days where something is probably already wrong and then I'm just still misstepping or if I see that he's not being successful in an area like I take that to heart.
Speaker 2:But, like you said, they all have their own journey they really do, and this is something I've gotten from my stepmom, and she told me that this morning, um, because I was upset about something pertaining to my older son, and she said you know what, simone? He has his own journey and you're doing the best you can, and that's where it's gonna have to fall, because we can't control everything you know, there are gonna be some unsatisfactory experiences that our children have.
Speaker 2:As knowledgeable and educated we are as mothers, they're still gonna have to deal with some bullshit in this country as black men we cannot stop it.
Speaker 2:Um, but as long as we continue to show up for them, even when we're fucking up, and we're still showing up, that's a good ass job, if you want. Okay, because I look back. You know, I lost my mother at six years old. My dad was mourning the loss of his wife and I looked back and that man was still showing up. I was coming to Bang and Creep, mixed match socks, ponytails, you know but listen, I commend him because that was hard. You have to raise your two children without her right. And that man didn't he? You know, I look back and he had some, some things that he attached himself to to put a band aid on the situation. And I just look back and I say, daddy, I see you you know, I see you and and and I get it.
Speaker 2:You know, and I'm not. I used to be angry, but now that I'm a mama I'm not angry about it, no more. I did it. He did the best he could, yeah, with what he had, and now I have my own journey. I can't blame shit on the shit on that man.
Speaker 1:I'm grown now I gotta do what I gotta do, right, yeah, I was. I was listening to um like a podcast and it was saying that that was a part of accountability. Whatever trauma or whatever experience you had, like because of your parents, or whatever you've experienced with them, like through your upbringing, at some point, you can't keep pointing the finger at them you have to heal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's what they said.
Speaker 1:It's your responsibility to heal. Like yeah, you went through that, but it's your responsibility to take control of your healing, that's right, I I. I definitely try to keep that in the forefront. Like all right, look, you are not gonna be, because my mom always has a saying like people just know she'll be like oh, people know how to fuck up kids and I'm like mom, but or she'll be like adults.
Speaker 1:They're real good at fucking up kids like whenever so I kind of have that in my background, like so whenever something goes wrong, I'm like, oh Lord, I'm gonna fuck up my kid like.
Speaker 2:I know what your mom means, though, and I did, because it's true sometimes, but because you're so aware, lori, like yo, your son gonna be good.
Speaker 2:I hope he deals with life on his own because of the way you show up for him. You are not fucking up your kid, you are not. But your mama's right. But the fact that we are even having this conversation today, let me tell you, you know, it just speaks to the mother that you are. You know, because, listen, some folk just be doing and not thinking, and not even thinking to make the next best decision, and those are the people that are fucking up these kids.
Speaker 1:So I can hear her, I hear her Look, when I get ready to have my baby come be my doula, Like I don't know what kind of Listen.
Speaker 2:You know, one of my goals is to be a travel doula, because New York fits my personality, because I'm a mover. I be on a subway, you know I'm all over the place. But I really do want to be a travel doula. I see that in my future. So keep me posted, okay. My brother lives in Boyan. My dad and my grandmother live in Delray. I try to come home at least every four months, but keep me posted, okay. Okay, for real, for real.
Speaker 1:Because I'm definitely like that's the energy and support that we all should have and I feel like it's missing, especially when it comes to motherhood, because just your positivity. I feel like somebody else who is feeling the same way that I'm feeling they need to hear this, like yeah, you made a mistake then, but you're going to still show up, like that's better than being absent.
Speaker 1:Like you can't stop because some days I'll be honest Some days I'm like what would I do? Would he be better off if I just back off? Like this transition right now with transitioning into middle school, and like this shit is tough, okay, and he's starting to venture out and like explore different groups and different friends and his friends, whatever setup they have at home, whatever situations they have at home. It's totally different from what we have here Right. So now he's trying to process.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he's trying to process that and whatever they have going on at home, like some of his friends, they don't have parents breathing down their neck saying do this, do that, you got chores, you got practice, you got this, you got that. And now he's like I know he wants that freedom, right, and he wants to be able to check out like his friends, for the next six to 12 hours and just zone out on the game. And me and dad we're not with that shit, right. So he's starting to compare and he's starting to see those differences. And now we're starting to get the pushback. And my son he's a Scorpio. On top of that, he's got my attitude.
Speaker 1:Scorpio too. Yeah, but he's got my attitude. So you tell him something, you better stand on it, and he's still going to ask why. And if you can't and I know where it comes from is not him being disobedient? Is more so really needing to understand the why behind the direction that he's receiving. And I'm the same way. If I don't understand the why, I just chalk it up to and it could be my ADHD, I just chalk it up to. I guess that shit ain't important If you can, it's true.
Speaker 2:Children shouldn't know why.
Speaker 1:Yes, and then?
Speaker 2:I will say we probably. I know, for me, I grew up with a do as I say it, not as I do. But the truth is we're not preparing them well, if we can, if we're not at least trying to answer the why, right? And they're going to have to go out into this world and make decisions of their own, and I need my children to know why.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and for me I was just dismissive, like as as a kid I was stubborn, I was dismissive. So if you couldn't tell me the why, or if you couldn't take the time out to explain why to me, if it wasn't that important for you to explain why, it's not that important for me to do it, and that's a horrible attitude to have, because I'm like so many mistakes that I made, like if you asked what, it just listened, I told you. But you know, years later it's like, oh, that's why you said that, like ooh, it was important, but my stubborn ass wouldn't listen. So now I take that because I see that same attitude and him like shit, you ain't saying why.
Speaker 1:Moving on, so it's frustrating because I feel like if you just listened to what I told you to do, life would be so easy for you. Like, I'm just trying to lay it out. Life is going to be a struggle. So any of those struggles that I can encounter and like, take on and get out of your way for you so you can get that much further ahead than what, what I was given, then you do that. But he is going to fight me every step of the way and I'm just like, all right, you, you're about to learn the hard way. I think I said it last week. Like you know what, I'm done with the warnings. Like you, you're about to fucking round and find out, like I tried. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And listen and that's a part of it Like, look, I did all that I can do. You know, and, and you know you're going to have to learn, you're going to have to learn.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. But at least I guess now, taking things into perspective, that you've said tonight is like, okay, I can feel a little less guilty for, like, step back a little bit. He's got his own journey. Let him, you know, figure it out on his own. And when I do feel like I'm at the point of spiraling, well, guess what, let me just do one thing. That's, that's a good decision, right.
Speaker 2:Because I'm always telling that to him.
Speaker 1:Let me make that best decision, just one. It could be whatever we eat for dinner tonight. It could be going to get dessert because in like the last couple of weeks we oh Thanksgiving, we just came back from Thanksgiving break and just be it in the car on the road. I know if my son could have been like, god damn it, he would have. And I'm like you know what, son, let's go get this ice cream because you don't got on my nerves and I know I didn't got on your nerves, like we on college.
Speaker 2:Okay, and that is the next best decision. Sometimes I come home and I'm exhausted. I'm like look, ted, I'm going to take 30 minutes and go do what I do. And you go take 30 minutes to do what you do because we just need to decompress Absolutely and that might be 30 minutes of Xbox for him. You go ahead, because I need a moment, I need to drink.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, absolutely, absolutely. And I definitely, as much as I've like, put limitations on the game because I think we just got out of control. Now, when he asked like today you did what you were supposed to do. Yeah, go get on the game and guess what? I'm not even going to bother you. You want some pizza today? You want something to drink?
Speaker 1:Yes, I'm going to let you do you, because he does need that, like the stuff that he encounters at school every day. And then you got to go right back to the bullshit. And this is just fifth grade, this isn't you know. He's not juggling children of his own and bills and workplace stress and money issues and all of that stuff. He's just going to school and he's got all of these stressors. So now I'm like you know what, I'm going to respect your time, like you deserve that, and guess what? It's going to make me feel better too, because I know I need that time as well, and then we'll figure the rest out later.
Speaker 2:But for now yeah, definitely so these kids are doing it all. We got to give them some credit, you know, for I don't know if your son is an extracurricular, but he also does music with his dad. Sometimes he's recording. He plays soccer. We were at soccer four days out of the week. Oh my gosh. And then you know he has homeschool on top of that. Yeah, and you know I'm like honey, take a break. You know, like today we're not doing anything, you know, and we need that, and so do they, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree my son is pretty busy. But even that was like oh, you need to be doing something, you ain't just, I just want him to have some skills. I don't care, I don't care what he does with it later. Right now you don't have a choice. It's my choice, I'm the parent. But you know what? If you decide not to touch another piano after you know you old enough to make that decision, then that's your choice. But at least you have a skill right and I just want to expose him Different opportunities out there and I don't want him to be boxed in.
Speaker 1:So you know, for him it's a chore. He's not thrilled about it. But then on the flip side, I see how much pride he takes into Playing that piano in front of other people and I don't care if it's Mary had a little lamb, I don't care if it's bingo. He, you know, his chest is poking out a little bit Further and his head is a little bit higher while he's playing bingo and I'm like, okay, you pop your shit, son, like you know Over, like, and you play the hell out of that bingo song like. But this is why you do it. And we, we went on vacation on On Thanksgiving and I've just been on him about if you want to get better, you have to practice.
Speaker 1:So it just so happens, the resort that we were at. They had a common area. It had a piano. I'm like, oh, look at the universe, they want you to practice. And at first he was like I'm not doing that in front of people and I'm like, well, I guess you're not gonna have any iPhone chargers or iPad chargers either. Like I don't know what to tell. You got a choice to make you want to get on the piano or you Want to not have an iPhone charger for the rest of this trip. It's your choice, son.
Speaker 1:So of course he got on, he played and the energy in the room just changed Like it was so many kids hopping on that piano, just making noise you know why people trying to vibe out and relax in this common area. And then he goes and hops on the piano and it's beautiful music coming out. And he was just kind of playing it on the loop because he just learned the song and that was his first time on the piano. We've been practicing on a keyboard and Someone even came up to him like that's so beautiful, like you must practice a lot.
Speaker 1:And I'm like you see the difference, don't you? You see the kids just banging on there making noise and you got a room full of people, you know, just Wanting to hear you play more. Because how relaxing and soothing is that, like how nice is that that you're developing this talent, and that's what I wanted him to see. Like that, that's a gift. He learns music so Quickly, he learns how to read the music so quickly, and it's just like you tell him to play a note or read a Music note or something on a piece of paper and he had like you're trying to kill him and I'm like, well, oh well, when you get your own house and you pay your own bills, then you know you can decide not to play anymore.
Speaker 2:You might push in pushing him towards piano might just pay his bills.
Speaker 1:Thanks, and that's what I'm not gonna tell you teaching him to follow through.
Speaker 2:You know like.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's what I didn't tell. I'm like, you see, your music teacher, like he's black, he's young, and I'm like he's a boss, like it. I've been seeing so many people you know Times are rough right now financially, like everyone is in a pinch, everybody is trying to find a side hustle and we went to publics one day and there's this guy and the music was so loud. He had like a saxophone or something and the music was so loud. He had an amplifier, somehow some way connected to this like saxophone, and he had a poster board girl with a QR code on it and when you pass by you can Zap him like he had his cash shop on there. This QR code was for cash out. This QR code was for Venmo.
Speaker 1:I heard that and I'm like, oh my gosh, that is so Smart. I'm like you see that talent, like he just has an amp. He has no nine to five, nobody breathing down his neck, or maybe we found out later on he had. He was a music teacher and he's like, oh, he just comes to the big city he was calling boy and like the big city. He comes to the big city on Fridays and just plays in the plazas and people just sell him money.
Speaker 2:I'm like I love that right.
Speaker 2:I love that it sounds like he belong on one of these subway stations. Yeah, we see that all the time here. But listen, I love that because that's the hustle. You know you got to use your skills, yeah, to elevate yourself, and I tell he's at that too, especially with soccer. I might look. I know you see yourself on the field, but there's so many other careers that you can get into. Think about coaching, think about being a you know, physical therapist for soccer players. Think about all that. Think about all the other things that come into an actual soccer game. You don't just need the players. There's so many other, absolutely other professions are tied, tied to that.
Speaker 1:So yeah, but they have to see it. And I just realized my son, like all his coaches and stuff, somehow. I mean, we didn't set it up this way, but they are black men and I'm like I sat back one day maybe, like last week, scrolling through my phone because I always take a picture of him doing something I'm like shit, everybody's butt like this is so beautiful because he doesn't get that at school. You know, I don't think he has. He had one teacher. There's one teacher at the school who's a black male, but you know, it's black men In education. Those are unicorns, that's what we call them?
Speaker 1:Yes, they are unicorn, right, so he doesn't get to see that. But here it is. He goes to piano. He's got a, a black teacher who's a male. He goes to basketball. His coach is black and his coach is amazing and so professional and he's so young and for the first time last week, my coach, my son, was like oh, I think I want to be, I think I'm going to coach basketball. And I'm like, yeah, that's what it's about. Like that's what it's for. So you can see. Um, who else piano? Oh, of course, dad. Like dad is there in the fort. Dad is like Superman. He does everything. If he doesn't know how to do it, he's going to figure it out right.
Speaker 1:So I'm always worried because I know, when I was growing up, all the stuff that my mom did. I'm like shoot, I can't do the stuff that she was. Like that's too much pressure to do. You know, carry the load, how my mom carried the load, and I don't know how she carried the load as a single mom with just me and my sister. So sometimes I worry that we're setting these examples and making him feel like, oh, that's too much pressure.
Speaker 1:But at the same time I'm like no, I want you to be inspired. You need to see people who look like you Doing these things so you don't put those limits on yourself. So when I see you on your page, I'm like, damn, I wonder who inspired you To be a doula, because guess what? We didn't have people like that, like in our face, telling us that these were opportunities is, I feel, like Our generation. We kind of found those things by chance, like later on in life, right? So I think it's awesome that we're able to expose our kids to these things so young, because it's they're not going to be like a deer in the headlights, like we were you know that's, that's so awesome, so I'm so thankful, I'm so thankful.
Speaker 2:And for heptap, for him it's just like he's actually not used to being the only black child. He's used to there being only black children. So I wonder what his journey is going to be like that. I'm gonna Prepare him as best as I can, because my childhood was the opposite right. I was In gifted classes and things like that and used to being the only chocolate chip in the cookie. Um, for him, you know it's, it's totally different. It's totally different. But I know that, um, soccer is going to be that eye opener for him. But I still want to, um, encourage him, keep going, keep going, going and like you, you know you, you belong that that pwi and I want him to know that he belongs In that arena as well, no matter what he chooses to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, whatever he wants to go for sure. Um, what is the best advice that you have been given as a mom? Hmm.
Speaker 2:Um, I'm gonna say two things. One, don't be afraid to ask for help, okay. And two, um, take time for self, because it makes you a better mother. And I think back to some of the times where I was struggling the most Was where I was taking care of myself the least. Um, so I'm very adamant about Booking a massage for myself.
Speaker 2:Um, today the first half of my day was for me. I woke up late, I went to the gym, got my lashes did, okay, you know, but I'm very, I'm very, um, I'm not adamant about taking care of myself, because when I don't, that's when I'm snapping at my children, that's when I am on edge, that's when I am not able to smile as much as I would like, is those moments where I'm not taking care of myself and I feel like it has clicked now, at the age of 35. When I am taking care of myself, I'm able to show up better for my children. I can be on those sidelines like, yeah, tap, kick into the goal, let's go, I'm ready, my tank is full. When I keep my tank full, I'm showing up better for my children, also, not being afraid to ask for help.
Speaker 2:I think the 21-year-old Simone that was pregnant with her first child, was very afraid to ask for help. I was afraid of a lot of things. But now I pick up their phone like, look, I need you to pick up her tap at six o'clock today because, whatever, whatever, I need a moment, I'm going to have drinks with my friends, whatever it is, I think especially black women, because we are not given the same space as these white mamas that got nans and this and that we have to carve out that time for ourselves and not have guilt about it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. I just talked to a friend of mine today. One of the goals that I set for myself just to try to reclaim some of that time, but it's so hard to even get there. One of the goals that I set for myself was for next year. I either want to make sure I have a housekeeper or like a personal assistant. It's got to be one or the other, because I got to do what's in my budget right now, but we reserve a life of convenience.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we really do. I don't do um lately, I don't do my laundry. Okay, yeah, I dropped it off and pick it up now because I work so much. Yeah, and I'm like that little, I mean it's not crazy um the amount, but I'm like you know what, even if it was small, take that little sacrifice for yourself, Correct, because I'd rather take a nap and let somebody else handle that for me so that again I can better show up for my children. If I have to, you know, sacrifice a pair of shoes, that I want somebody else to do my laundry, please, you know, because I need to fill my tank. I don't feel like being tired in the laundry mat, and here in New York we don't have washer and dryer. If you have washer and dryer in your apartment or in your home, that's like a super luxury.
Speaker 1:We got to go down the block and around the corner.
Speaker 2:But things like that. You deserve a housekeeper and I got one a couple months ago. You know, somebody come over monthly and just help a sister out, you know. And these other women, white women they do not blink an eye for things like that. I saw a video. So I'm going to hold you accountable. You're going to give a message from me like this you got the housekeeper, yet I just my goal has been to get it, get the housekeeper and, you know, maintain it Right.
Speaker 1:I don't want to start and then stop. But I'm like, no, it is either going to be the housekeeper or the personal assistant, because I work a full time job. Then I started my own business and you know you have to be in the forefront of the business in the actual business side of things, because I deal with insurance. I have to do that. So it's like, look, I need to. Like lately I've been feeling like I need a clone, like somebody has to pick my son up, somebody has to take to these extracurriculars, somebody has to show up to work and then somebody has to handle the paperwork side of the business and then somebody still has to cook and clean. Like wait a minute, who's going to? Who's going to do all that?
Speaker 2:I'm going to get you hired to help. That's the third, you know. That's the part of not being afraid to ask for help. Take the help, whatever it is you know we deserve.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there was a mom on social media Like if I didn't have a housekeeper, I would not be a happy mom. I couldn't enjoy motherhood and I'm like that is true, like it makes a difference to to have. I want to be able to pick and choose the things. Like I am finding myself a little happier now when I do have time on the weekends to help my son, like clean his room or organize the room or declutter, because I'm like you know what this is, a privilege that I haven't had in a long time. Like trying to go through school, raise kids, be a wife, be a mom, figure myself out. Like cleaning takes the back burner because guess, what these?
Speaker 1:bills got to get paid right, you got to. You got to be fed, you got to eat. So now that I'm getting like a little more control of my life, I like being able to get the cleaning bucket and like wake up in the morning and kind of show my son like look, this is how you clean your room. You need to dust. You need to because for so long I wasn't able to do that. But also looking at the like many disasters all around the house because I started something and had to move on to something else and couldn't finish, I'm like you owe it to yourself to come home to a clean house.
Speaker 1:You owe it to yourself to come home as hard as you were. You owe it to yourself to come home to an organized house.
Speaker 2:Every day.
Speaker 1:So that that's one of the goals that I set for myself. It's either the housekeeper which I'm leaning towards, the housekeeper, or, like the, the tedious stuff that I feel like, oh my gosh, you consuming, it's consuming so much in my day. I need to delegate that to somebody Like I don't. I need to reclaim my time because I did start going to those yoga classes in the middle of the day and in the morning, and you would be surprised.
Speaker 1:This is the norm for some people, like oh, hello, hello, nice, so you just come here every day. Like I started making friends, started seeing different moms and daughters going to like yoga together every morning and I'm like okay, I can do this, this is nice.
Speaker 2:I'm so happy you're doing that. I'm so happy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you have to, because we are going to burn out. I feel like, whatever this is, whatever season, whatever economy that we have inherited as millennials like we, we getting the short end of the stick here, right. So we need to really reclaim that space and that time because, like you said, you know we, we don't have a lot of time.
Speaker 2:tomorrow isn't promised, it really is not, it really is not, and we, they're areas of our life that deserve convenience. So I'm right there with you, like, look like I said I don't do my laundry anymore, somebody else does. Awesome, I'm moving towards, you know, a life of convenience. Yeah, it's time. It is time and I'm doing it for my ancestors. Look, we done, did a lot. Hello, I'm resting for my ancestors.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. So I I would love for us to like just keep in touch more than we have leading up to now and just kind of come home, I'm gonna, I'm gonna reach out.
Speaker 1:Okay, definitely, because I this is like, uh, the breath of fresh air that I needed. I'm so happy that you were able to make time for the show because I have been telling my husband like moms are busy, you know so the rescheduling I have so many moms that one they either reschedule or two. I've been having moms tell me straight up Like I don't have time for that Cause I, you know, I have my hit list and I kind of go through, and a lot of moms have been like you know, I think it's great, but I don't have time for that, I won't be able to do that, and I'm like, okay, I respect that, thank you for letting me know, and we just kind of go on from there. So, even the podcast being audio and not visual, you know, moms are on the move. We have some moms who have kids, so it's such a relief to do the show and they're like it's not video, is it? I'm like nope.
Speaker 1:It's just don't even worry about all that extra pressure and stress of like being on camera, being on video. Nope, just send me a picture and we'll go from there, because it's what's convenient, right, and? And we juggle so much. So if we can make something easier for ourselves, why not, you know? And and make it easier now. So I definitely appreciate you coming on the show.
Speaker 2:You're so welcome. It's such an honor to be here. It was so, so nice to speak to you. I'm like, oh my gosh, it's Lori, and thank you for being flexible with me too. I know it took a little bit of time, but I'm so honored I'm, I'm, I love this, I love this and you keep doing what you doing. Okay, I love it. Representing Delray and the team, thank you.
Speaker 1:So yes, um, do you have a way for listeners if they want to reach out to you for, like, do a little services or to ask you questions? Um, do you have a way for the listeners to get in touch with you?
Speaker 2:Absolutely, I can be found on Instagram at monidula. That's M O N I E D O U L A. Monidula, you can shoot me a D M? Um. A lot of times I post things that I'm doing on there. I was recently at a rally for a mom we lost in Brooklyn, but I like to try my best to keep folk informed. Um, but yeah, that's where I can be found monidula on Instagram. Okay.
Speaker 1:Well, I will definitely keep in touch Um. We'll definitely post that contact information as well, and thank you again for your time. I really appreciate it this was so much so welcome. All right, have a good one. Hey everyone, it's your favorite BCB AD here, dr Doloran, and I'm here to ask you to help us continue making great content for listeners everywhere by visiting wwwforshittymomscom, where you can make a monthly contribution. Also, visit us on Instagram, youtube, facebook and TikTok at Foreshitty Moms. And that shitty with an X, not an I.