Dimensions
8 Things To Do Before You Say "I Do"
Embarking on the journey of marriage is no small feat, and we're here to arm you with the wisdom needed to ensure your union starts on solid ground. Prepare to elevate your understanding of what it means to choose a life partner who not only supports but also amplifies your spiritual growth and personal aspirations. As we unravel the complexities of compatibility and intentionality in relationships, we dive into the essential considerations before exchanging vows, with anecdotes from my own long-distance dating adventures adding a personal touch to the universal quest for a harmonious match.
This episode is a heartfelt exploration of the deep spiritual and practical elements essential to a thriving marriage. From the perils of missionary dating to the power of aligning with your partner's spiritual trajectory, we provide insights that are as applicable to those in the throes of wedding planning as they are to couples seeking to strengthen their existing bonds. Moreover, we discuss the transformative benefits of premarital counseling, not just as a formality, but as a profound tool for conflict resolution, expectation setting, and crafting vows that resonate with the couple's unique journey together.
Concluding with sage advice on seeking spiritual accountability and family blessings, our conversation is a candid reflection on the preparation marriage entails. We stress the importance of understanding and accepting your partner, family dynamics, and how these factors intertwine to create the fabric of your shared future. By engaging in this 'baggage check' before saying "I do," we illuminate the path to a partnership grounded in self-awareness, mutual respect, and the kind of love that endures, evolves, and enriches all aspects of life.
Embarking on the journey of marriage is no small feat, and we're here to arm you with the wisdom needed to ensure your union starts on solid ground. Prepare to elevate your understanding of what it means to choose a life partner who not only supports but also amplifies your spiritual growth and personal aspirations. As we unravel the complexities of compatibility and intentionality in relationships, we dive into the essential considerations before exchanging vows, with anecdotes from my own long-distance dating adventures adding a personal touch to the universal quest for a harmonious match.
This episode is a heartfelt exploration of the deep spiritual and practical elements essential to a thriving marriage. From the perils of missionary dating to the power of aligning with your partner's spiritual trajectory, we provide insights that are as applicable to those in the throes of wedding planning as they are to couples seeking to strengthen their existing bonds. Moreover, we discuss the transformative benefits of premarital counseling, not just as a formality, but as a profound tool for conflict resolution, expectation setting, and crafting vows that resonate with the couple's unique journey together.
Concluding with sage advice on seeking spiritual accountability and family blessings, our conversation is a candid reflection on the preparation marriage entails. We stress the importance of understanding and accepting your partner, family dynamics, and how these factors intertwine to create the fabric of your shared future. By engaging in this 'baggage check' before saying "I do," we illuminate the path to a partnership grounded in self-awareness, mutual respect, and the kind of love that endures, evolves, and enriches all aspects of life.
Eight things to do before you say I do. Right now, coming up on this next episode of dimensions on Pastor J Anthony Gilbert, I am so excited that you tuned in. Listen, ladies and gentlemen. This is going to be so good. You're not going to want to miss it. I need you to do me a favor right now, before we do anything else Like, share, follow, subscribe all that stuff on YouTube, facebook, wherever that you are Go to J Tiffany Gilbert as well as listen. Go to your Apple or Android store. Download this podcast of dimensions, empowering you for your next level, discussing a lot of things that you want to hear. So listen anytime throughout this episode that there's something that you want me to talk about. Maybe there's some questions that you have something that you want me to go into on a future episode of dimensions. I need you to type that in the comment bar right now and don't feel free to make sure you take a moment and let me know how much you're loving what it is that we're doing here. I am so excited. Eight things to do before you say I do. Whether you're dating, whether you're engaged, whether you're going to be dating, this is for you. And listen, even if you're married, you need to tune in because there may be some things that you're going to glean from that's really going to help you, even in your relationship right now. So it's going to be really good. You are not going to want to miss it. Let's also want to throw out there as well.
Speaker 1:Go get a copy of one of my latest books. In the last year or so, I put out about three books one praying on another level. All of these can be obtained right on Amazon or if you come into our ministry or if you contact us, we'll be willing to ship them to you as well. It's a phenomenal prayer book. Praying on another level. It's 30 days of a devotional 20 minutes, I'm sorry, 30 minutes a day for 30 days to give you 2020 Kingdom vision on a revelation of prayer and why that's important. I also did another one called the wisdom seed, which is the revelation behind the $1,000 seed. If you've ever sold at the $1,000 level, what happens to that? If you've been around giving and seed time, faith and all that for any amount of time, you've recognized that someone has always said something happens at the $1,000 level. Well, god gave me the revelation that I'll be a blood that, I believe, will be a blessing to you.
Speaker 1:The last one that just came out that I'm so excited about it's called obtaining your inheritance why church membership is important. Listen, this is not your standard regular every day. This is why you should be a church member. You need to have friends, you need to be around community. All of that is important, but I wrote it from a different place.
Speaker 1:Church membership is about inheritance. Do you understand that where you are, in your church, in your ministry, wherever it is that you are, that is ultimately a result of the inheritance that you're going to obtain? You can't receive something from a house the house doesn't have. So you need to ask yourself the question is the church where I'm at? Is that the place that I want the inheritance? What's on that man of God's life, woman of God's life, on that house? Is that the inheritance, the spiritual impartation that I want to receive? Because every church has one. Some are better than others, but you've got to make a determination If you're in the right spot and then therefore, make a determination not to leave where it is that God has called you, just because things get difficult or the spirit of offense will try to creep in all sorts of things.
Speaker 1:Listen, it's phenomenal. You're going to want to get just a mini book. It's about 70 pages, not very big, but it's a great read. All of that makes you get a copy of that and listen. Don't forget to subscribe, like, follow, share all that good stuff, because we're getting ready to jump in right now.
Speaker 1:Eight things to do. Before you say I do Now. The first thing I need to mention to everybody that's listening and that's watching right now the first thing you never do Don't missionary date. Listen, ladies and gentlemen, if they're not on the same level as you are spiritually, it's time to go. You can't wait around. You can't pray them into the next level. You know, no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 1:It doesn't work that way. God doesn't bring you under cooked noodles and then say, hey, here you go, do something with it. You don't want someone al dente. You want someone cooked to the right perfection of temperature, where they need to be. The worst thing you want to do is to be unequally yoked, and that's not just somebody that's not saved. That also means where are you going? So you don't want a missionary date. You don't want a missionary date and get out there and trying to get somebody to love God the way that you do Remember this is very important.
Speaker 1:When you say I do, you did, even if they never change, you are making a covenant with that person that says this is who I'm going to marry. So you better like the trajectory they're on, you better like the passion they have for God, you better like the pursuit of God that's already in them. Don't get to the altar and say, lord, I'm hoping something new comes out of them. You get what you covenantly commit to at the altar. Eight things to do before you say I do.
Speaker 1:Number one do not missionary date. Do not do that. If you do that, you are asking for a world of hurt. There's going to be a lot of problems that you're going to have. You're not going to see what is that you're going to want to have. And this is the reality.
Speaker 1:And I want to say this, and I've said this before, but I'll say it again this is the reason why, if people missionary date and then they got this testimony, oh my gosh, I went outside, I left the will of the Lord. I brought someone into the kingdom and look what God did. He turned it around. If he'll turn it around for me, he'll turn it around for you too. God doesn't bless missionary dating because it's an idol. You have to leave God's perfect will for maybe what is his permissive or not his will, in order to get it. So the reality is, if you didn't wait upon the Lord for a covenant and you are willing to make a lifelong commitment to somebody that isn't right with God, do not expect God to turn it around. I have been in ministry for almost 30 years and I have yet to see anybody have a testimony of that. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I've never seen anybody that left God's will, went and got with somebody, married them, and God worked a miracle in a situation you covenantly commit to who they are.
Speaker 1:On that day I got married. It's going to be 12 years and about a week and a half two weeks, a little more than that to my wife, march 30th 2012. Who I'm married on that altar is who I'm married on that altar. You don't marry potential. Maybe they'll get there. Maybe one day they'll have a heart for God. Maybe one day they'll be the prayer warrior I want them. Maybe one day they'll be in the church I want them. Maybe one day they'll tie. Maybe, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 1:What they're doing at that altar is who you are covenantly committed to, even if they don't change. There's so many people that get to that altar and they'll say I'm gonna get married anyways and don't wait upon God, and they live a life of marital, literal hell Because they have left God and what he wanted and brought them into it. You see, what you do to get them is what you're gonna have to do to keep them. So if you have to compromise who you are, if you have to water down who you are to get that man or woman, you will have to continually live that way to keep them. Now I want you to hear that again. That's very good. Somebody needs to hear that who you covenantly commit to, what you do and what you did to get them to the altar Is what you will have to do to stay at that altar and think about it.
Speaker 1:Where do people get married at the altar? Where's what's the altar for? It's the place of sacrifice and death. It is the place of where you make a commitment to say I am going to do whatever it takes to be with this person. So you should already know that, so you don't go into it Asking God to bless this mess, because it's not going to happen. You won't get your heart broke. It's just gonna be that simple and you're going to have to live a life of Continual compromise for the rest of your life in order to be able to make that marriage work. So do not missionary date if I don't say nothing else. You've had your dimensions podcast. That should be enough, right there.
Speaker 1:Number two Are you ready for this? It's kind of a part two of a part of number one. Are they a compliment or a Contradiction to you? See now, the difference is this a compliment means she's the salt to my pepper. You know, she's the, the butter on my toast. She's she's adds to it. It's not the same as me, but adds to it.
Speaker 1:A contradiction, ladies and gentlemen, is like saying, okay, I'm gonna have pickles on top of my peanut butter, I'm gonna have Jelly on my corn on the cob. They don't go together. They're not wrong by themselves, but they don't go together. That is a contradiction. So this is the reality. Is the person that you are going to marry. Are they a compliment or are they a contradiction? Do they compliment who you are? You don't want the same thing as you, but you want to make sure that the two gel together. Well, how do I do that?
Speaker 1:We talk about our vision. We talk about how we're gonna live our life. We talk about how we're gonna raise our kids if we're, if we're gonna have children. We talk about if we're a blended family, how that's going to work. We talk about discipline matters. We talk about our church time. We talk about where, what my passions and vision are, what her passions and visions are.
Speaker 1:If you're a lady, what yours and what his are, whatever it might be, you have to talk about and see do they Compliment one another? And are they the peanut butter to your jelly? Come on, are they the butter to your corn on the cob? Are you with me? Are they the truffle butter to your prime rib eye steak? What is it that they are? Do they compliment you like nobody's gonna take? Well, let's, let's take some peanut butter and put it on a $75 state. Peanut butter has its place. It just doesn't belong on the steak.
Speaker 1:So you have to talk about who you are, where you're going. Are they a compliment or do they contradict? That's important. Now watch. This is important because the first thing to happen. You might feel a connection to them spiritually. That's wonderful. Nothing wrong with that. There are three parts to every man and woman. We are what is known as a try-on being, or the trichotomy of man. Man as a spirit, possesses a soul, lives in a body. The first thing, in my opinion, there's a connection spiritually. You feel that connect with them spiritually. Something feels good. Okay. So now you decide to date them, always date with intentionality. So while you're dating, the purpose of dating is not so you're not lonely, it's not so then you have someone to go with on a Friday night. It's not any of those things, ladies and gentlemen. The purpose of dating is to see, now that I felt a spiritual connection. Do our minds Compliment and not contradict? Now there are times they will contradict, but there's got to be more compliments than there are contradictions. So that's the reality. You got to figure out here, okay, where, when we're talking, when we're dating.
Speaker 1:When my wife and I dated, one of the great things is that we live three hours apart from each Other, so we talked on the phone a lot. So we had to get to know one another. So I talked about my vision, I talked about my passion, I talked about my heart for God. I talked about what I want to do at church. I talked about how I wanted to see our family grow. I talked about all the things that I saw and figure out.
Speaker 1:Is she on the same wavelength as me and she was doing the same thing? How are we gonna discipline our kids? Do we want to send them to school? How many kids do we want to have? All this now we're seeing. Do our souls, the spirits, connected? Do our souls connect our?
Speaker 1:Is she a compliment or she a contradiction? So obviously she was a compliment, because that's the reason why I chose it make a decision to propose to her and she said, yes, we felt we were a compliment one to another and it doesn't mean everything needs to be perfect. But there, you can't have major contradictions on core, important values in your life. You can't do it if there are core things that are important to you and there's a contradiction that is not God's will for your life. So you got to make a decision that, alright, are they a compliment or their contradiction? Yeah, but they're a good person. Just because they're a good person doesn't mean they're free. There are God's person for you. That's good, right there. Just because they're a good person doesn't mean that they're God's person for you, and just because they love God doesn't mean you're supposed to marry them. So it's just one of those things that you have to determine early. Is it a compliment or is it a contradiction? You have to make a determination of that early in your relationship, ladies and gentlemen. Number three Are you already? Number one? Let me recap number one Don't missionary date very important? We're talking about eight things to do before you say I do do not Missionary date. Number two are they a compliment or a contradiction? Number three Are you ready for this one?
Speaker 1:Meet their family. Ladies and gentlemen, the apple does not fall far from the tree and it does not mean they are who their family is, but there is a degree of that family in every person. Doesn't matter who they are Mom, dad, whoever they were raised, even if they were raised and they were adopted, doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Find out about the family why? Because that stuff is in them somewhere along the line. What you see in their family is Ultimately in them in some capacity. So you get a chance to see what's their relationship like with their family. What is their family dynamic? How does their father and mother interact? I mean all of these things. Do they have a father and a mother? All of that it needs to be played in helps you to understand the person that they are. Meet their family. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, so the reality is what you see around the family is what you're going to ultimately get with them, and how they operate as a family is ultimately a lot of the mentalities and ideologies that they have developed as an individual. So you want to have some time with their family.
Speaker 1:My first date with Pastor Tiff was with her family. We had met online. Obviously, you know and let me say this real quick, let me just throw parenthetically insert this if you are dating online and you are a lady, don't you ever, ever, ever Travel where that man is first if he's not willing to come and get you? The Bible says he that finds a wife. I was gonna have her come to New York. I came out here. So when I came out here, I found the hotel. Her brother now watch this. See somebody else. Yeah, but I trust him.
Speaker 1:Listen, people are crazy y'all. You don't know who somebody is online. You have no clue who they are. They could be chocked full of nuts. Cuckoo for cocoa puffs come on somebody. A fruit loop, any type of cereal, whatever it is, or coffee that don't make sense, listen. They could be any of those things. You've got to make sure you're using wisdom, especially as a woman, in this day and in this hour.
Speaker 1:So what I did is I traveled out here to Pittsburgh. I got a hotel. Her brother came and meet and met with us and then we drove I we drove back to her house to meet with her family and the first thing they did they had this huge spread and we talked. I got a chance to meet them, got a chance to get to know them and to talk, and I spent Hours and hours with her family. My family even came out hung out with her family. We got a chance to.
Speaker 1:I'm not just marrying her, I'm marrying her family. So it doesn't always mean, because sometimes there are some family members that aren't right, so that doesn't mean you always have to make them happy, but at least you get an idea, you get a feel. What type of stressor is that gonna bring? If it's not good, how is she or he going to deal with that? You have to look at all of those things Because, remember, even though you're marrying her, that could add a stressor into your relationship. Is this something that you want to undertake? Meeting their family, but then also you'll see the good things. You baby get a chance to see what type of Environment here she was raised in all of those types of things. So meet their Family, have some time. When you're hanging out.
Speaker 1:You don't need to be spending all this alone time like let me say this too why does somebody decide our first date is gonna be at the movies? You can't get to know nobody at the movies? Now I'm not saying that it's wrong or that's a sin, but go have a dinner together, meet up with each other's family, all these types of things, and don't be alone. I'm later on maybe I'll talk to you guys about some things about the ABCs of dating. It's important that you know how to date so then you don't fall into sexual sin. So there's things that you should and should not do in order to stay out of that fire, because no matter how much you love God no, no how much you praise it, we just gonna pray and avoid temptation. You are a human being and the more that you are in love, the more that you're gonna Isar to be one now. I'm not here to talk about that right now, but it's important. That's why dating with intention is important.
Speaker 1:You don't want to get involved in the physical, because if the physical is good and you're enjoying all of that, you'll think that's the Substance of the relationship. And the question you have to ask the purpose behind Meeting their family and getting to know each other are they a compliment or a contradiction is to figure out. Do you like each other? You should be marrying your friend. You should be marrying somebody that you enjoy. You should be marrying somebody that you appreciate, that you like spending time with, that, you laugh with that, you hang out with, that you enjoy. How do I do that? You can't be involved with the physical. If you do that and get caught up in that, you're you're. You're starting it on all of the wrong principles. Because watch this it is the intimacy of the emotional and the spiritual and the solace excuse me in the solace connection that leads to Greater physical intimacy. Not on time, excuse me, to talk about that right now, but it's important that you recognize that and see that, because if you don't and you build it on all of the physical. You're gonna have major issues as time goes on.
Speaker 1:Now, that's number three. So number one don't missionary date. Number two are they a compliment or a contradiction? Number three meet their family. Are you ready for number four? This is important have a few good fights. And I know what some of y'all are gonna say right now oh, we don't never fight. Listen, if you don't never fight, one of two things one somebody suppressing something, or number two, if you're not suppressing somebody is not being true to who they really are. And what do I mean by that? There are things that they just don't wanna go into because they're having a good time. They're having a good time, they're enjoying themselves. Maybe they're getting involved with the physical, maybe they're hanging out and just having such a good time. So they don't talk about those things. You gotta talk. You better talk.
Speaker 1:I don't know if y'all remember the episode back in the day with Will Smith when he was gonna marry Neal Long I can't remember what her name was on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and they're dating and Uncle Phil comes to them and says listen, if you guys will get premarital counseling, hey, I'll send you anywhere in the world and I'll pay for everything on the honeymoon. So I'm like great, that's wonderful, we'll go hear that. And they got together. And then, as soon as they sit down with the premarital counselor, he says where do you wanna live? One of them said Philly. The other one said LA, how many kids you wanna have? One said like 70, the other one said two. They were all completely on the wrong page by the time they got out of there. They came home and they told Uncle Phil. They were like man, this premarital counseling is great. We're almost ready to break up.
Speaker 1:The purpose of those types of talks, ladies and gentlemen, is to be able to discuss and to work through those things that you don't think are very important. So you need to have a few good fights, because that also brings watch. This pressure brings to the surface who they really are. So you need to be able to identify some things. So I don't need to know who you are under pressure, who you are on the first date, who you are on the second date, third date. That may not be who you are, but once we hit the pressure cooker, you gonna throw things around the house, you gonna cuss me out, you gonna leave me how are you gonna act under pressure?
Speaker 1:A few good fights reveals the true character of an individual, and I'm not saying you should have knock down, drag outs, I mean, but there should be some conflict. You need to have some conflict. You need to have some Holy Ghost conflict in your world. Come on somebody that is important. You need to have a few good fights, and I mean when I say fights people don't like that word but I'm talking about where there's disagreements, there's things that you're not saying eye to eye on. How do you manage those? Do you have the ability as a couple, can you compliment each other in those things? All of that is very, very important. So you find out who they really are. Under those pressurized moments, who are you really going to be when the Holy Ghost wears off, when you're in your flesh? What are those things? That is something that's very, very, very, very, very, very, very important. So have a few good fights, because it will reveal the essence of who they are.
Speaker 1:Number five get premarital counseling Very, very important. My wife and I spent over 26 hours of premarital counseling, more than that. I just remember we had at least 13 sessions at two hours a piece. Somewhere longer than that, Probably had between 30 and 40, at least I'm guessing. Get premarital counseling. Why? This is why it's important Eight things to do before you say I do. Why do you need premarital counseling? Because it helps you to look under the stones and rocks of things that you probably wouldn't even think of. I can't even tell you how many times I've sat down with people that done premarital with them and by the time they're like man, we didn't even talk about that, we didn't even discuss that, but they are major things that they needed to resolve and it doesn't mean they would have gotten married and that things wouldn't have worked out. But what it means is that you get a chance to see ahead of time and develop a blueprint and a plan, and watch this too. This is why premarital counseling is so good.
Speaker 1:I personally believe every person should write their own vows. Have the standard vows nothing wrong with those but write your own why? Because, if you've dated correctly, you are making a covenant now and a commitment to the person based upon now. Watch this, what you have learned. You've learned some things about them and you're understanding what I needed to commit to, what they might need from you, what they need to encounter from you what their needs are. So now you're saying I am going to commit to you based upon the things that I've learned about you. Are you hearing what I'm saying? I'm not just saying for better, for worse, for sickness and health. Okay, that's great, nothing wrong with that If you did that, there's nothing wrong. But imagine having your own vows based upon your relationship. And somebody said why don't want anybody to know that? That's okay. You can say, hey, I have my own vows and you can give it to them that night and say this is my commitment to you and it's personal, but I'm gonna leave that alone, whatever that might be. But you need to make a commitment based upon the time that you spend in premarital. I learned so much about my spouse, about Pastor Tiff and the things that she needed from me and the commitment I needed to make to her based upon those things. So it's important that you have that type of understanding of the person that you are with. So that's why premarital is so important.
Speaker 1:It reveals financial matters, things you may not have talked about. How much money are you gonna spend? What does a budget look like to each of you? How are you gonna make financial decisions when you don't agree. What are the things that you're gonna do?
Speaker 1:Let me talk about this real quickly. What are the things physically you want in a marriage? I know people that have gotten divorced because they didn't talk about it got together on the wedding night and, over a few years, that one person had expectations in the bedroom that the other one didn't have and, as a result, the other person wanted a divorce. Have you talked about those things Not? Have you done them? Come on, somebody, some of y'all need to slow down a little bit. You don't need to be getting involved in the physical. It ruins everything, and I'll have time to go about it. Maybe I'll talk about that later on, but it's so important that you talk about even the physical issues.
Speaker 1:What are your expectations?
Speaker 1:How often?
Speaker 1:How often does he want to be together?
Speaker 1:How often do you wanna be together? Well, I want it every day. Well, I want it once a month. You better talk about that. What about what? I want her to do this and I want him to do this, and I like this position and I like that. I wanna do this thing. Hey, have you talked about that with each other, have you? I'm not going to make it titillating, but it's the same token. Hey, this is what I would like. Yeah, but we both are virgins, which very few people are nowadays, and it should be celebrated when they are. But you still kinda have an idea of some things that you may like or not like, things that you may wanna do, things that you may wanna try, whatever that might be. You still need to have some type of conversation and discussion based upon those things. Where are you gonna spend your holidays? Christmas, easter, thanksgiving? What's your plan? How many people do you want over for Christmas? Do you want she may want he or she may want 30 people, you may want two. We need to talk about that.
Speaker 1:There's so many things that premarital counseling brings out. What is your past? What are your expectations? Who's gonna take the trash out? Who's gonna run the finances? Who makes the decisions concerning that? Who's gonna clean the cars? So who's gonna? I mean, it goes on and on and on. Who's gonna work If somebody makes more than the other?
Speaker 1:What if the woman makes more than the man? How's the man gonna feel about that? Does that mean she gets the right to make the same? I mean, I heard of a situation where one man gave his wife a loan. I mean, ladies and gentlemen, this stuff, you can't make this stuff up, it happens.
Speaker 1:So premarital helps you to see. Where are you gonna attend church? What are you gonna teach your children? What are the principles? Do you tithe One may tithe one, may not tithe? What are you gonna do when your finances are on the same pot? Are you gonna have his Maroney and her money? Are they gonna be together? I mean, I can go on and on and on of all the things that people do not look at, nor do they think about. They just think we're in love, we're happy.
Speaker 1:How often are you gonna go on vacation? You know, one person's a workaholic, the other person likes to play. Nothing wrong with either one, but one person doesn't wanna take vacation, the other person does. How often are you gonna go? I mean, it can go on and on and on. Of all the things that you've gotta remember, two are becoming one. So premarital helps you to see those things that you need to encounter.
Speaker 1:Very, very important, ladies and gentlemen, that you get premarital counseling. My good God, how important is it? I mean, like I said, there are so many variables that people don't think about. I mean, how many days are you gonna go to church? Do you wanna pray together? How often is it gonna be? You'd be surprised when people I talk to that one person wants to have a time of devotion and prayer together. The other person doesn't like doing it, feels that it's personal to them. What's that gonna do to the other person? How do you work through that? Those are all the reasons why you date and you talk and you have discussions Anything that comes up.
Speaker 1:What's their sexual past? Can you forgive them? One person's a virgin. The other person has had multiple, multiple partners. If their body count is real high and the other person isn't okay, how do you deal with that? Are they okay with that? I mean, one person wants you to wear these sexy outfits, the other person doesn't. I mean it can go on and on. I mean it just it goes forever, all the things, and that's why premarital helps bring all of those things out.
Speaker 1:What if you're attending two different churches? Which one are you going to attend? What if one is a Saturday night and the other one's a Sunday morning and you're both in love? What do you do? What if they're both on Sunday morning? I mean, there's so many things to discuss, so I think I've kind of beat that dead horse there. That's important that you understand that and that you have some type of premarital counseling. Get in there, which leads to number six.
Speaker 1:Let me recap real quick. Eight things to say to do before you say I do, now listen. If you're enjoying this, I want you to like, subscribe, follow, share, listen. There's somebody out there that needs to send this podcast and go to your Apple and Android store, download this podcast and you'll be getting episodes each and every single week. Come over somebody. This is good stuff and I know it's going to be a blessing to you.
Speaker 1:Now, number one we're talking about eight things to do before you say I do. Don't missionary date. Number two are they a compliment or a contradiction? Number three meet their family. Number four have a few good fights. Yes. Number five get premarital counseling. Leads me to number six. Are you ready? Get your pastor's blessing. Oh my gosh, get your pastor's blessing.
Speaker 1:Number six why is that important? First of all, let's me know if I'm dating somebody, I want to know that they have somebody in their life. They have a pastor or somebody that they're submitted to, somebody that's been speaking into them somebody that's been discipling them, growing them. I want to sit down with their pastor and I want to know, before I propose now, watch this before I proposed to my wife, I got both of her pastor's blessing and my pastor's blessing. I got all of them. I got all of them to be in my world. I wanted them. I wouldn't even propose until my pastor, who lived in Denver and I lived in New York, I met her. He came in just so he could. I wanted to make sure and people say, well, I don't have to have, they don't have any control over my life.
Speaker 1:No, no, it's not that, it's influence. Oh, let me park there for a minute. That is powerful, right there y'all. It's not about a pastor having control. It's about who has influence. Can I say that one more time, like I feel it Code out, I buy shop top. It's not about having a pastor in your life. It's not about control, cause if it is, that's not. That's not what it's about. It's about influence. Who influences your life.
Speaker 1:I'll learn a lot about a person based upon the pastor they sit under. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why Pastor is a spiritual parent to you. So, ultimately, what I see in the pulpit is most likely what I'm gonna see modeled in that individual's life. So I need to know do they have influence over you? And then also, this is why it gives God an opportunity to reveal or expose anything your blinders might be blinding you too. You can be in love, you could be even in lust, you could be in anything and it could blind your eyes. Maybe you just wanna get married. You don't wanna. You don't wanna, I don't wanna mess out on this. So you're giving God every opportunity possible to reveal anything that you need to consider before you say I do Listen.
Speaker 1:I tell people all the time it's a very concern to me if somebody's not willing to sit down with me as their pastor Very concerned. If there's somebody in my ministry who not willing to sit down with me, why would they not be willing to do that? I tell people all the time if you're dating somebody, I wanna date with you. My wife and I will go on a date, not to pick their stuff apart or anything along that line, just to see who they are, to see what we see, to give a blessing upon or say you might wanna look at this, that of a third, I look at it as a pastor that I'm a spiritual parent and so, even if you can't be with your lead pastor, if you're in a larger church and you gotta go with an associate pastor, somebody in your world that you're double dating with, maybe it's you're at a part of a marriage and family group or a dating group, and so you're sitting down with the people that are running that, somebody to peer into it and say, hey, do you see anything that I could be missing?
Speaker 1:Ladies and gentlemen, sit down with your pastors. Eight things to do before you say I do Give God every opportunity. Is it her pastor and his pastor? Doesn't matter. Just sit down with them, find out, see what they're saying to you. Even if he or she won't meet with your pastor, meet with theirs. Why See what that pastor is saying to you? See if you're on the same page.
Speaker 1:God is not hard to figure out. If it's not his will, he's gonna make it clear. You don't gotta run very far. The question is are you willing to see and hear what it is that needs to be seen? I remember I was watching a movie one time and there was a guy that was acting crazy and he was on drugs and the guy was talking to the girl says does she know that he's on drugs? She said if he has eyes, she does. Why? Because it's clear. It's just a matter of do you have an eye? Not only do you have an ear to hear. Jesus would say do you have an eye to see? Because there are some things that are clearly outlined but some people just don't wanna hear it. They're gonna do what they're gonna do and, as a result, they're gonna have a life of misery because they are choosing to run red lights. Very, very important.
Speaker 1:So sit down with your pastors, discuss with them, talk with them, have a conversation with them. Very, very important. Number seven are you ready? Here we go. Let me recap eight things to do before you say I do. Number one don't missionary date. Number two are they a compliment or a contradiction? Number three meet their family. Number four have a few good fights. Number five get premarital counseling. Number six sit down with your pastors.
Speaker 1:And number seven are you ready? Get the blessing of your families. Let me asterisk that whenever possible. There are sometimes some people aren't gonna be able to agree with you. Maybe you're a Christian and they're not Christians, and so they don't agree with what you're doing and they may not agree with how you're living. Whenever it's possible, you have to consider that. I would like to have the blessing of my families when we're coming together, cause you're not just marrying that person, you're marrying their family. Whether you like it or not, you are marrying them and it's gonna create that Cause when the holidays come around. What's that gonna be like for you guys? Is it gonna create attention in his or her life? And then it creates the tension between the two of you. There's a lot of things that you have to consider, so it's important to get the blessing of your family.
Speaker 1:Before I got married, two things that happened. One, I got the blessing of my pastors. Number two, I got the blessing of my family and her family. I asked my brothers, I asked my father, I asked her family. Her father and mother, her brothers and sisters all gave me her blessing. I wanted all of the family. I even met with some of her uncles. I mean, I met with everybody I possibly could it. Let them get a chance to know me and me to get to know them, and I got all of their blessing. I took her parents out to eat, sat down before I even asked for anything. I showed them the ring, showed them what my intentions were. Matter of fact, the first time I ever dated, I told her family the first weekend. Listen, I want you all to know right up front this is my intention now, and I'm not gonna date your daughter any longer than necessary to find out whether or not she can be Mrs Gilbert or not, or vice versa, If she finds out she doesn't wanna be Mrs Gilbert or not.
Speaker 1:So we pray together each and every day, twice a day, in the morning and at night, to welcome God into our relationship. So if I'd had a night thing, I'd probably throw that in there as well. Pray together on a consistent basis, invite God in, allow him to speak, and we would pray every time that we prayed, every single time. To the best of my ability, of knowledge and remembering, we would pray. Lord, if this isn't your will, show us, show us God. And you know we had our conflicts, just like anybody else that would have a conflict. We had our up days and down days, but God never really revealed that it wasn't his will.
Speaker 1:Everybody in our world said you two need to be together, everybody. It wasn't anything that we ran from. We opened ourselves up and so I wanted to make sure, okay, before I do this, does our parents believe in me? Does our pastors believe in me? Does my family? Everybody told me hey, man, this is a great hookup for you guys. You guys are divinely connected, and we even sat down in our premarital. They would show us different things. Maybe we could work on, or what we're gonna be, some obstacles and things like that, which was great for us. There are still things I'm eating off of from my premarital counseling that I've seen ring. True who I married and who I dated is who I married, and I hope that she can say the same thing about me, and that's not good or bad. It's just that. Let us see, this is who they were, and I got a chance to see that. So get the blessing of their family. Sit down with their mom and dad. If you can Now, if they're just not willing and they're not willing to do it, but if there's something that's legitimate that you need to consider, you need to look at that, god will reveal what is wrong.
Speaker 1:And even now, watch this. This is good. This is really good. Somebody needs to hear this. Doesn't matter who it is Doesn't mean they have the ability. You ever heard of something like this? The worst form of vice is add vice, an added vice. I don't want an added vice, something that you say that now becomes a vice around me that I have to follow or else keep it to yourself. But if there's something I need to consider that you want to submit to my world, do it and allow the Holy Spirit to reveal to you anything you could be missing.
Speaker 1:And so it's important that you allow family or whomever, to speak things, find out about them, ask questions, tell me a little bit about her. How does she deal with things? You know my wife likes watching the show at a time. Married at first sight and they'll talk to their families. They'll sit down, they get, they just meet up at the altar, they get married that day and then, as a result, they'll go out and they'll meet their families for the first time. They'll ask me, tell me about this person, and they'll tell them the good, the bad, the ups and the downs. Well, that's one reason why you wanna meet with family. You get a chance to ask them and get the blessing of their family, as you're asking them. Tell me a little bit about them. What do you see? What will they do for you? What will they not do? Are they stubborn? Are they this? Are they that?
Speaker 1:I want the real who am I making a lifelong covenant to Eight things to do before you say I do, don't forget to like, follow, subscribe, share. Do that right now and go to Apple and Android Store, download that and you can get more of this into you right now. We're talking about this stuff why a lot of people don't understand. Well, we're just in love. Okay, that's great, but what's love got to do with the covenant? You can love somebody, but not like them. God commanded you to love everybody, but that don't mean you have to like everybody. Come on somebody. Well, I love her, do like her, do like him. That is important, ladies and gentlemen. So I wanna make sure that you're aware of that and that you're thinking about that. Get the blessing of your family whenever possible. Hallelujah. And then number eight, last but not least, hallelujah. Can God get their attention If there is a number one thing besides being saved and things like that, but outside of the norm, that I would say when you are in a relationship, have you had any type of conflict, that you saw God shift their plow.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's so good, my good God. And what do I mean by that? Have you had any type of conflict where you didn't see eye to eye and then they came back and said you know what I see, where the Lord is revealed to me. What you're saying or what you've done is right, can they admit because that's huge Underneath. That. It means they can admit that they're wrong. It means that they can apologize. It means they can humble themselves. It means they're submitted to authority.
Speaker 1:There's so many things that underlies, if you have not seen that, you need to have some disagreements and you can see where they'll come back and be like you know I was wrong. If they have a hard time saying they're sorry, run. I'm just gonna be honest with you. That's a world full of misery because they're going to be wrong and there's some major character issues. See, this is the thing. Now watch this. This is so good.
Speaker 1:There are some things that are marital problems, but then there are other things that are character issues. You need to be able to identify which one is which, because there are some things you gotta learn how to manage. Okay, we don't know how to manage these things. But character issues watch this are primary issues that create secondary issues. Are you with me? They're primary issues that will create secondary problems. So if I have an issue and I am insecure as a man and I don't want my wife ever looking at anybody, and so every time we're out we're doing it, the problem is not that she's not being faithful. The problem is that I have an issue. If I'm a control freak and I want to know everywhere she's at, where she's going, when she's doing it, how she's doing this, that and the other, it's going to create issues because of a primary problem. It's going to create secondary problems, secondary issues. Are you with me? If I can't say I'm sorry and I've got an issue with that, and I can never tell I'm sorry, it's going to create problem because I've got some pride issues and I can't humble myself and I got perfectionist issues or whatever it might be. I mean, I can go on and on and on. Character issues are different than marital struggles. But character issues I would say this all the time You're all ready for this. This is so good.
Speaker 1:Before anybody goes mile high, 40,000 feet in the air before you fly in high and you're on cloud nine with each other. The first thing you do everybody has to do it Before you ever hop on a plane, you go through baggage check. Come on somebody. Tsa, come on. Tsa is not a place not to have TMI. You need to have too much information. I want to know everything that's getting on that plane with me, why. Too much baggage will bring us all down. So I need to know what's in your bag. Yeah, but it's cute, pastor J, she's got Louis Vuitton luggage. What's in your trunk? Come on somebody. I need to know what's in your stuff because that there is going to show me how the fight is going to be once we get up there. And once we get up there, that's not the time to inspect luggage when there's a bomb on board. You should have did all that before.
Speaker 1:Go to baggage check first. If you don't do baggage check, take off your belt, take off your shoes, put all your stuff. They run it through the conveyor belt. They look at everything. If there's anything, they make you unzip it, take it out. They'll put your underwear out, everything. Put it all out there If they have any concerns. That's not the time Because, let's think about it I'm committing my life to people 40,000 feet in the air. Whoever's on there, anything could happen, and that's the same way it is in marriage.
Speaker 1:So you need to make sure you go to the baggage check and then, when you see their baggage, the idea is can God get their attention? Can they acknowledge their baggage? Can they acknowledge their stuff? Do they know their own stuff? Eight things to do before you say I do Can God get their attention? Number eight can God get their attention? Do they know their own luggage? Do they understand their issues? Do they see their own fault? Do they have an eye for their own detail? Yeah, they can point stuff out in you, but can you point stuff out in yourself and can they point stuff out in their selves? They need to be able to see their own stuff Because, listen, one of the greatest things that can happen in a relationship is when you can identify the junk in your own trunk, because if you're not careful, you will blame somebody else for what's going on in your world and they will blame you.
Speaker 1:You gotta know your own junk. Look at your neighbor, touch three people and tell them is there junk in your trunk? Come on, somebody, you need to know what's in your baggage. I don't care how expensive it is, I wanna know how much it's going to cost me what you're carrying in that trunk. Come on, somebody, you need to know and clearly identify the stuff that is in your own trunk. And they need to know there's why. Because if you're not careful, you will blame them for your baggage. You can't blame me for your baggage, baby. I can't blame you for my baggage. Do you know how many fights you will be able to discard and throw away when you know your own stuff? Oh my goodness, do you know how many fights you will have If one or both parties don't identify their own junk?
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, it is a cause. You'll be blaming them for character issues. There's stuff wrong in you and you're taking it out on them, wanting them to change. Watch this. And that's why you gotta be careful, because you can be. If you're a codependent person, you'll become married to people's baggage. That's so good. You will become married to their baggage and that's why I need to know right from the jump can God get their attention?
Speaker 1:Do they know their own baggage? Do they know their own stuff? Are they willing to identify? Can they see things? Are they willing to change? Are they willing to say I'm sorry? Are they willing to say, you know what? That wasn't really me, that's more you, that was more me than it is you? And the other person may be saying, hey, that's my fault, you know. And then, on the other hand, you look and say, no, that's not you, that's me actually. Are they quick to take the fall if they're their own stuff? Man, get away from somebody that don't wanna own their own stuff and only trying to blame you for it. Get away, run as far as you can, because they'll always blame you and you'll always be on the defense. You'll always be on the defense. You'll always have to. Oh my gosh, here we are again. Why? Because they don't wanna own their own luggage. Go through baggage check and then you'll be able to see if Gawkin get their attention or not. Are you hearing what I'm saying? This is so good, this is so good. It's so important that we understand that the junk in your trunk needs to be dealt with. Eight things to do before you say I do man, oh man, oh man. Can God get their attention? Can you pray together and God can shift their minds? Can they identify their own weaknesses? You can see it, but can they, can you see your own? Are they seeing stuff in you or are they trying to point stuff out in you that isn't there and it's really their own stuff? You have to identify. That's why premarital is so good. You both need somebody who can get all up in your grill when you'd invite them to your barbecue. They need to be all up in your Kool-Aid even if they don't know the flavor. They need to be all up in that. And you need to have people that'll walk with you after you get married, because the first couple of years are the most difficult, because they're their adjustment years. Yes, there's a honeymoon time, but there's an adjustment time that is coming as well. So it's important that you identify that Premarital is key. It is key. Ladies and gentlemen, don't bypass, go. You end up in jail if you're playing Monopoly. Don't just run through. Go and get speed on through. No, no, no, no. Stop at each and every one of those places and identify what you need to identify. So then you know what you're making a covenant. It is the longest lasting relationship and commitment you will make outside of Jesus Christ. I don't believe that. It's one of those things where well, I don't want to give too much time, we don't want to do it. No, no, no, no. Be picky. Yes, look, observe, do all those types of things, because that's going to help you to get to where it is that God's called you to be, and you can be the happiest couple that God's called you to be as well. So, listen, I hope this has been a blessing to you and I want you to take a minute Once again. Go to your Apple and Android store. Make sure you like, subscribe, follow, share, youtube, facebook, all of those things, instagram X. Go to them all. Another level of ministries J, tiffany Gilbert. Check it out, it is going to be a blessing to you. Eight things to do before you say I do. Number one don't missionary date. Number two are they a compliment or a contradiction? Number three meet their family. Number four have a few good fights. Number five get premarital counseling. Number six sit down with your pastors. Number seven get the blessing of your family. Number eight can God get their attention? Now, of course, there's a whole lot more. I mentioned a couple already about praying together. That's huge. Pray together. See if there's a devotional life one with another. What happens? Do you inspire one another. Can you come out of prayer and hear what the Spirit of the Lord is saying? Are they excited about what you're excited about or are they not? Do they feel like a midwife or do they feel like an abortionist? What does it feel like when you share with them your vision and your dream? All of that is all vital and very, very important. I mean, prayer is key. Have a prayer time together. Family that prays together stays together. You know this statistic. This is powerful. I think it's like 98% of all people that pray together on a consistent basis. Only 2% of those end in divorce. Wow, you have a 98% chance of being successful if you just pray together on a consistent basis. Man, that's so powerful. Ladies, let me say this real quickly Does that man take the lead? You can only multiply what he initiates. Is he a man that will lead you and guide you and direct you? Will he speak to you? Will he encourage you? Will he find out what the Spirit of the Lord is saying? Listen, ladies, you are a great thermometer, but you are not the thermostat of the home. That is the man's job to be the thermostat. He sets the tone. What type of leader is he? Did you inspect his seat? I mean, my goodness, man, did you inspect her womb? What you give to her, can she multiply that and feed it? I mean, that's huge as well. Ladies and gentlemen, all of these things, I mean my goodness. The list goes on and on and on. There's so many other things, but I don't have enough time to go into it all. Maybe next time I'll talk to you about dating and how to date. Even when you're married, it's still important that you're dating one another, that you don't lose that love and feeling. Oh, that love and feeling. You've lost that love and feeling. I was gone, gone, gone, oh, oh, oh, all right, anyways, you know you get the point. You lose that love and feeling if you don't keep that fire going. So it's important that you have date times and times together. So very, very, very important. So I want to thank y'all for tuning in today and I hope this has been a blessing to you and I hope that you'll get this word out and let people know that you've been blessed. Eight things to do before you say I do. I hope that you've been blessed today. I've been blessed being with y'all and it's been a great time. I'll be coming to you again soon. I'm about to get on out of here and let you get back to life and do what you do. Listen if you are dating somebody and one of these red flags hits, you need to take a moment and slow down. You need to take a moment. If you're dating somebody and you go through these things, hey, listen and things are going well. Keep on moving forward In Jesus name, and listen. Just because there's a yellow light doesn't mean it's red. Sometimes yellow turns green. Sometimes yellow turns red. You just got to determine. If it becomes red, don't go forward. Wait until it turns green. If it doesn't turn green, that's God's sign to you that says you need to slow down or stop, or maybe it's time to move on. Don't stay around on a relationship that you don't need, but never let go of a relationship that God's called you to have. Keep the physical out of the relationship as well. Don't get involved in that. Stay away from it. Oh man, I have to get into dating later on. Don't date alone. Don't be alone. You're watching the movie now. The movie's watching you. I mean, my goodness. I mean you're a human being. You're passionate about each other. You love God. Even praying together can lead to a titillating experience. I mean, my goodness. So you got to be careful of all those things. I'm praying for you and I want to pray God's blessing upon your relationship. Father, in the name of Jesus, thank you for every person watching, lord. I pray that, lord, if they're convicting their hearts that they will take heed and Lord, they will say yes to you even if the relationship is getting a no. But, lord, I pray that they'll say yes if the relationship is saying yes. Father, god and Lord, I'm asking today that your hand be upon each and every person. Bless the relationships, father, god, that there may be somebody watching right now that's in a relationship with the wrong person or married to someone, and they knew they ran those red lights. I pray that you give them grace. I pray that, even as they ask for forgiveness, father, that, lord, you would move in their hearts, that you would grant them mercy in their situation and in their circumstance. Father, god, I'm asking today that your hand would be mighty upon all of our lives and Father will thank you and will give you the praise, honor and glory in Jesus name, amen. Now let me say this as well while I was praying, I just felt the Holy Spirit put this mark. Listen, if you've married somebody that you are unequally yoked with, or maybe you ran all those red lights, god still loves you, he's not angry with you and you can still ask Him for mercy, you're not going to go to hell. You're not going to do any of those things. God still loves you and God still has a plan for you. You just need to seek out His mind and His will concerning what it is that he wants you to do now. But he still loves you. He'll never be angry with you, no matter how difficult it might be in your circumstance. So, god bless you. I want to encourage you keep running. If you're not, if you haven't found anybody yet, you're listening to this because God's probably got somebody coming soon just for you and you're going to be able to map out what needs to be mapped out and do it the right way. So God bless you and I look forward to seeing you next time right here on Dimensions.