“And truth be told, I miss you (I miss you)
And truth be told, I'm lyin'”
- The All-American Rejects
If I am being honest, picking the song for this episode was rather difficult since I was stuck between two options, but these lyrics fit the episode the best.
I am a firm believer in cutting people out of your life if they no longer serve you. Cut the dead weight. Get rid of it. I don’t understand the need to keep someone around solely because of the time they have been in your life, especially when they don’t add anything to your life except difficult times, drama, stress and hurt feelings.
People have to earn my caring, I don’t give it out to anyone anymore. I don’t give out titles to people in my life just because they have been around for a certain amount of time.
Some might think of me as cynical, but it’s not that I think the worst of people or anything like that. I simply do not have the energy to give to people that don’t deserve it.
I stand by the decisions I made and no one will be able to convince me otherwise.
This episode was named after The All-American Rejects’s song “Gives You Hell.” You can find it and more in BBPlaylist.
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2NwU6CVgJbHfgv8WWEuz6S?si=a8d47b3009f84d97
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Want to know about my beliefs?
- E1
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- E0
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Hey, what's up everybody. Welcome back or welcome to the podcast. I hope everyone had a good month. And if you didn't have a good month, I hope the next is a lot better for you.
Alright, I’ve been thinking about something lately. I know real big surprise there.
I’ve seen a bunch of posts on my social media about how nobody talks about the grief that people have to go through when they make the decision to cut off or go no contact with a family member. Well I’m going to talk about it. Or more so, I’m going to be talking about the lack of grief I feel about the decisions I have made regarding certain people in my life and why I stand by those decisions.
I do want to start off with saying that I understand that there are people out there that do grieve the loss of relationships with people in their lives and that they genuinely miss those people. I don’t want anything I’m going to say to take away from any of what you feel, my experience is just different. It doesn’t mean that how I handled these people is the “correct” way, it is just offering a different perspective.
The biggest factor in why my experience is different than most is, I don’t have fond memories with the people that I decided to get rid of, that I look back on. I don’t think about the good times cause there aren’t any. I’m sure if we were to ask my dad, he might be able to supply a couple. But a couple moments out of an entire lifetime, doesn’t cut it for me.
There have been a few times where people will hear about the decisions that I made for my life and say things like, “oh Aprille, but they are your this or your that, how can you do that?” Very easily actually, would you like the blue print? I’ve done it rather successfully twice now. They are not my anything.
Bringing me the bullshit argument of “they are your family” tells me that I need to make space and care about their feelings. Then when the hell is it going to be time for my feelings? When do they get their space and get cared about? Because it definitely wasn’t then and from that excuse, because it is an excuse, it won’t be now either. I’m not taking anyone’s feelings into consideration when that “family” you speak of never gave a shit about mine from the start. We are not playing that game over here.
I was talking to a friend the other day about life and this topic kind of came up and she asked me how I felt about the lack of relationships I have with these people. I told her that I was just fine with how things are. Could not be better, in fact. Yes I am the one that initiated the no contact with these people, but I’m not the one that needs to fix what’s been broken.
It was easy for me to cut these people out of my life because there wasn’t a relationship there to begin with, so I have nothing to mourn or grieve. I don’t sit here and think about what could have been or what I would like to be different. I didn’t have a mom like majority of the world has or had a mom. I didn’t have a sibling like other people have siblings. Those relationships were never a part of my life. I can’t miss something that I never got to experience in the first place.
I may have lived with these people for the vast majority of my life, but it was no more than coexisting. The majority of the conversations that started between us, usually ended in screaming matches. If I could avoid being around or interacting with them, I would. If I wasn’t out of the house, I was in my room with the door closed. I was content when I was being left alone. So tell me, does that sound like a loving family relationship?
I remember when I was a kid, I got told by so many people that I lost count, “when you get older, you two are going to be so close.” “It’s just a phase you’ll grow out of it.” “You hate each other now, but you’ll be best friends in no time.” We didn’t get closer. If anything the older we got, the more that motherfucker irritated the shit out of me. It wasn’t a phase either since he’s the same person he has always been. I may not hate him, but he is the furthest thing from my friend. As a kid, I knew we would never be close and I got pretty good at doing things on my own.
Being around someone everyday doesn’t make you close if you never utter more than a few words to each other. Living with someone doesn’t mean you have a relationship with them. Sharing a bloodline doesn’t make you family.
I’m sure when I get closer to my wedding, someone somewhere will ask if I’ll ever regret not inviting them to my wedding. And the answer is no. But, let’s play the hypothetical game shall we? Let’s say that in the next 10 years, my dad’s ex-wife has decided that she wants to be apart of my life again and she’s proven to me that she has changed basically who she is as a person entirely, so I decide to grant her access to me again. Will I feel bad that she wasn’t invited to my wedding then? The answer is still no. I’m not going to feel bad about a decision that i made about a relationship that was nonexistent at the time of the event. Maybe she’ll get an invitation when we renew our vows, hypothetically of course.
I’m not going to ruin a day that is about me and my husband because a shitty person doesn’t like the fact that they were left out. Why should they get to be apart of the good moments when they caused so many of the bad ones? Why do I need to go out of my way so they can feel good when they have done nothing but make me feel miserable?
Something that I have learned in my recent years and from my experiences with these people is that being apart of someone’s life is a privilege. Having a title in their life is a privilege. Being apart of the big, special moments in their lives is a privilege. Being considered family is a privilege and I am fresh out of participation trophies.
“But they’re your family.” Where was that line when I needed it?
I do have a family. I also have people that I am related to. I can’t change that, no matter how much I wish I could. But I guess I will have to live with them being apart of my DNA results because their family tree is the only thing that will show any connection to me.
I had a dream the other night and my dad’s ex-wife was in it, but it didn’t feel like a normal dream. I don’t remember all the things that she said to me or the things that I said to her or even if i said anything to her at all, but there was a mention of cancer and her dying. In the dream, I began hysterically crying and I couldn’t stop to the point where I woke up from the dream with tears in my eyes, not enough to make them fall down my face, but enough to know that they were there.
For the rest of the night, I wondered if I was going to wake up to a text message that she was dead. I didn’t nor have I gotten that text message since that dream. But I’m sure it would take some time for that type of news to get to me since we haven’t had a conversation outside of a courtroom in almost 10 years. But someday, I will have to face that fact and I’m still not going to feel bad about the things that I have said to her or the moments in my life that she never got to experience.
“But Aprille? What if you never get more time?” Isn’t that the point? I did mine already. 25 to be exact, 18 if you factor for good behavior. And I plan on never going back.
I don’t need more time. I don’t want more time. I don’t care if there will never be another opportunity to speak with them again. I’ve said everything I needed to say. I’ve already heard the excuses and the bullshit apologies.
I’m sure some people will think that I’m mean for saying things like that; well, I never said I was nice. They can make me the villain in their stories all they want, while they won’t even be mentioned in the foot notes of mine.
I will always put my peace and my happiness above their bullshit. One of the few beautiful things about being an adult is that you get to decide who has access to you. You get to decide who you share your moments with, both good and bad. You get to decide who you surround yourself with.
Deciding that someone doesn’t deserve to be around you anymore doesn’t need to be this huge scene. You don’t have to tell the person that you are cutting off your decision. You can walk away quietly. I did. You don’t need to give anyone a chance to explain themselves one last time. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. No one needs to sign off on that decision other than you.
It can be as easy as pushing a button. Block the number. Block the profile. Set everything to private. No one gets to just know things about you without your say. I still remember when I found out that there was a “remove follower” button on Instagram, I had a field day. I wouldn’t be surprised if I cut my follower count in half that day. But it was freeing. I was able to have full control over who got to see me and no one could tell me differently.
Yeah I’m sure there will be people that want to give you their two cents about a situation that they know nothing about, but you don’t have to explain your boundaries to anyone. No one has to understand them besides you. They can either choose to respect them and there won’t be any problems or they can ignore them which will cause them to have a problem when you enforce your boundaries.
“Well you’re just being selfish.” I am and there is nothing wrong about putting yourself, your happiness, your peace, and your future above a shitty fucking person because they are not entitled to those things anymore. I can confidently sit here telling you that they are shitty people because as I have already stated, I lived with them before. I know the type of people they are. You can’t say the same.
Because god forbid I have some fucking standards. How dare I stand up for myself. You mean they don’t like it when I give them the same level of disrespect they’ve only ever shown me? But, you know, better cause I do like to win.
Guilt trips don’t work on me. Haven’t worked for a long time. Especially if I’ve flipped my “don’t care” switch because then it is as if you are talking to a brick wall. That switch is so easy to turn off, but basically impossible to turn it back on. Better odds would be walking to the moon, honestly.
I enjoy my “don’t care” switch. It’s also really fun to hear about it from my husband’s point of view. He would also say it’s the biggest trait that he’s gotten from me during our relationship. How my “don’t care” switch works is, if the person that I am interacting with doesn’t pertain to my everyday life in some aspect? I don’t care. When it comes to the people in my life? I care and I care wholeheartedly, completely. But if you give me my reason to flip that switch? It’s done.
Some might even say that I have the ability to become the most cold hearted person they’ve ever met. And if there is one thing about me, I’m always fucking cold.
I don’t feel bad about the choices that I made when it came to how I dealt with these people. And I’m not going to feel bad about it either. Honestly, I wish I could have cut them out sooner. My life is better without them in it. I’m better without them. I’ve stopped caring about the opinions of people that don’t matter.
“But Aprille, they could change.” Cool. I’m still not interested. I would have an easier time believing that the rapture will happen tomorrow more than I would believe in that and we all know I’m not religious. I’ve given them enough of my time, my energy and my self. They don’t get anymore and it’s no one’s fault other than their own.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you need to have in your life, especially if they have done something to deserve the sidelines. You have more say in the matter than you think. You don’t need to be guilt tripped into having someone around that you no longer care for because of how they would feel. They didn’t want to be left out? Then they shouldn’t have done what they did. Weren’t we all taught as kids that actions have consequences? Well, welcome to the consequences.
Have fun hearing about me from someone else. Or don’t. I really don’t fucking care. I’m too busy having a better life.