20 Years Sober: Lessons of Grief, Growth and Gratitude from Tammy Lyn Connors

On this episode of Breakfast of Choices, Tammy Lyn Connors joins me to share her powerful story of overcoming addiction and loss. She vulnerably discusses the childhood trauma and abusive relationship that contributed to her struggles with alcoholism.

Tammy takes listeners through her journey of hitting rock bottom and finding the strength to get sober 20 years ago. We explore how community support through meetings and daily Bible readings fueled her long-term recovery process. We also talk about how grief affects us all uniquely and find signs of hope from loved ones who have passed.

For anyone facing addiction or loss, Tammy's message of resilience will inspire you that there is always a path moving forward, even in our darkest moments. Tune in to hear Tammy's full story of transformation and how she now uses her own podcast, H.O.P.E. to help others through their struggles as well.

Check Out Tammy's Podcast:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/h-o-p-e/id1557526505

Transcript

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Journey Through Trauma and Transformation

Speaker 1 0:07

Welcome to Breakfast of Choices , the weekly podcast that shares life stories of transformation . Each episode holds space for people to tell their true , raw and unedited story of overcoming intense adversity . From addiction and incarceration , mental illness , physical and emotional abuse , domestic violence , toxic families , codependency and more . Trauma comes in so many forms . I'm your host , jo Summers , and also someone who hit my lowest point before realizing that I could wake up every day and make a better choice , even if it was a small one . So let's dive into this week's story together to learn from and find hope through someone's journey from rock bottom to rock solid , because I really do believe you have a new chance every day to wake up and make a change , to create your own breakfast of choices .

Speaker 2 1:09

Hello , I am here with Tammy Lynn Connors and I'm going to go ahead and just let her tell her story today . Hi , Tammy , Hi Jo , how are you today ? I'm doing good . How are you doing ? I'm doing great . I appreciate you having me on here . Yes , I appreciate you coming . It's good to see you again . I just last week , so super happy to be here Super excited .

Speaker 2 1:35

Let me tell a little bit . Maybe you know , I kind of contacted Tammy off of a Facebook post and she has a podcast called Hope which is helping other people evolve , which I'm sure she'll tell us about . But we have such a similar mission and vision to let people know they're not alone in their struggles , and so I couldn't help but contact her because I thought how cool for the two of us to be able to talk together . So that's why I wanted her to come on and tell her story today .

Speaker 3 1:56

I appreciate that a lot and I appreciate you sharing your story with me . It's been great hearing your story and I'm super excited to share my story . I love what you said . I love helping people and I love someone to know that they're not alone in their struggles .

Speaker 2 2:11

Absolutely . It's so important , isn't it For sure , for sure ?

Speaker 3 2:14

So All right . Well , like she said , my name is Tammy Lynn Connors . I grew up in a small town in Michigan , grew up with a family of drinkers drugs , basically an Irish Catholic family that drank all the time . So for me drinking was normal . That was just the way that . That's just what you did , you know . And on the weekends they played cards . You know I'd be running getting the beer for people and all of that I mean .

Speaker 3 2:41

My first experience with anything was I started smoking cigarettes with my cousins when I was 11 . You know they were all older and they did the whole like if you tell , you got to smoke too , so you can't tell on us . I tried that with my sister but she ended up telling on me , so I started that around 11 . I got rheumatic heart fever when I was 12 years old , so I was in the hospital for quite a while , about three months on steroids , and I feel like this is kind of where my self-esteem started . So it led me to the drinking more in that and so I got out of the hospital . I was in seventh grade and I weighed about 135 pounds . Well , I'm 58 years old now and I don't even weigh 135 pounds . So if that tells you how big I was at that time , from the steroids . So when I finally was able to go back to school half days I got picked on and teased a lot Like you know , hey chipmunk , hey bubblegum , you know just all these things that I wasn't used to because I was a scrawny little thing . So if I got picked on before it was just because I was little , you know . But this was like it was very traumatic for me . And also I was very athletic . I was . I played softball , I liked gymnastics . You know my dream was to go to the Olympics and that all got shot down . When I had this traumatic heart fever , I was told I wasn't allowed to do any exercising anymore . So here that , that . That's when things kind of started for me . Then I started like hanging around you know a little bit more of the crowd that accepted me , the partiers you know the ones that we could go smoke some pot and it's okay , everybody's cool with each other .

Speaker 3 4:15

And throughout that time my dad had been really sick . My dad was an alcoholic addict . At one point he had a third of his stomach cut out because of ulcers in his stomach , bleeding ulcers . He'd been in and out of the hospital for years and they had told him . Well , first they didn't even know what was wrong with him . There was in 1977 , I remember them giving him shock treatments to try to make him forget what his pain was . I mean literally like he would get it done and come home the next day and not even remember half the people that would visit that had visited the day before . So that was really hard going through that . And then , of course , the kids find out about it . And then your dad's crazy and my dad was suicidal a couple of times . So the ambulances came . So there's all that getting you know , the bullying and all that with me .

Speaker 3 4:59

Well , in 1978 , in December , I was 13 . And it was December the 7th and my mom went downstairs and she screamed , like this voracious scream for me to call our neighbors . Well , I knew something was horrible wrong . So I called the neighbor . I said I don't know what's going on . My mom needs you to call an ambulance . I'm going downstairs . Well , I went downstairs and my dad had drowned in our bathtub at 34 years old . Ooh , I haven't cried about that one in a while . So I mean bathtub at 34 years old . I haven't cried about that one in a while . So here I am at 13 .

Speaker 3 5:29

I have an eight-year-old sister , my dad , like I said , he was very sick . He probably weighed 90 pounds . Whenever he was not feeling good , he took hot baths and I'm only saying this because this goes into my story a little bit too . He would take hot baths when he was in pain . We had one of those big old-fashioned bathtubs . Well , that night he had taken some I don't know some painkillers and stuff and fell asleep in the bathtub .

Speaker 3 5:47

So , needless to say , moving forward , now I'm partying a little bit more . You know , my mom gets remarried . My dad passed away in December . She got remarried in April . The neighbor , he swept her off her feet . You know , just , I love you . The rings , the vacations , all of these things which at first I was so mad at my mom , but then I was like I mean , she lived in hell with my dad for years . So it was OK . My stepdad ended up being a narcissist , but that's a whole nother podcast . But we got a whole nother podcast we're going to do anyways .

Life-Changing Events Led to Addiction

Speaker 3 6:19

Long story short , that's when I really started partying a lot and just my worth . I had no self-worth whatsoever and I felt like that was the group that I fit in . I always was a social butterfly so I could hang out with everybody , but that was the group that accepted me the most . So that's when I kind of really started partying party . I graduated from high school . I did all those things . I met my well . He was my husband . I met him my junior year .

Speaker 3 6:45

I graduated from high school in 1983 . I was 17 years old and I think two months later I proposed to him because I wanted to get out of my house . I couldn't live with my stepdad anymore , and so for Benny he was like , yeah , sure , we'll get married . So we did . We got married the next June and you know I still drank and partied a lot . I don't think my actual addiction kicked in for years later . So I was with Benny , my husband , for a couple of years , probably two and a half years , and he just was . I like to be out and about , I like to be around people and he liked to stay home and do nothing and it was really hard and he worked . But he drank all the time too and I was working and I was only party once in a while . So finally I decided that I had to be get divorced . He didn't want to divorce , so he moved across the country , went in the service and moved across country .

Speaker 3 7:36

But then I ran into my boy's dad . He was my friend since I was 12 years old . He was a burnout partier bad boy . You know , he'd already let's see , he was probably 20 , 20 or 21 at this time He'd already served 15 months in prison in a state prison in Michigan . He was the first 17 year old to be convicted as an adult in the state of Michigan for grand theft auto . So I didn't think it was a big deal . You know , grand theft auto big deal . He stole a few cars and got caught , you know .

Speaker 3 8:10

So we started seeing each other and then , boy , my life changed . Then , you know , my family was disowning me . You know I was going to change him . You know he was a crack addict just all of these things that I was going to do to change him . And I tried really hard for years . And I think now of the things that I put up with over those those years and I'm like , geez girl , you were dumb , but I loved him and I was going to change him . He was like I had always wanted to be with him and I finally was . So I was going to stay there , and I think a lot of it too was . I was going to prove my family wrong that he wasn't the person they thought he was , and he was exactly the person they all thought he was . So we fast forward . So now I'm probably 24 .

Speaker 3 8:56

I get pregnant with my son Chad . So I had Chad in 1989 . He was six weeks early and this little four pound , nine ounce baby boy comes home from the hospital with us , and I mean another red flag . By the time I got home from the hospital , scott had gotten a Christmas bonus and had sold everything , including plants at my house and the end tables , and I'm coming home with this little baby . But he sold it all for crack , and so there was my other red flag , but I was still going to change them , and so we had Chad and I didn't party a lot . Then I was going to school to be a stenographer , I was working full time just doing all the things to try to keep our bills paid and everything , and we moved out of the house that we were in and I got pregnant again in 1992 .

Speaker 3 9:41

And well , 91 , I guess , because I had Cody , our second son , may 31st 1992 . Throughout that summer I didn't include this , but Scott was very abusive , physically abusive and mentally abusive . So throughout this summer of 92 , the abuse was horrible . It was terrible . And so by December of that year he was moving . We were done . I couldn't take it anymore . My boys didn't need to see this . I'm working my butt off . December 11th of 1992 , he was moving to Florida . His whole family was going on a trip down there and he was going to go stay and live with his grandma . We had it all planned .

Speaker 3 10:20

On that morning I was getting up to go to work and it was about 1030 . And on that morning I was getting up to go to work and it was about 1030 . I waitress and I had to be at work till noon and I came out of my bedroom and Scott was in the kitchen and I said have you checked on Cody ? And he said I haven't heard him yet . Well , my heart sunk into my stomach . I knew something was wrong and he passed away from SIDS at six and a half months old . I went to his room and he had started turning blue , called 911 , did CPR , all the things that I could do , and they tried to keep him in . He ended up passing away on the way to the hospital in the ambulance and so , whew , life changed that day for sure .

Speaker 3 10:59

So you know , scott of course didn't go to Florida to go live with his grandma . I can remember him sitting at the kitchen table saying this is either going to make me better or make me worse , and I'm like , well , you're speaking the words . I really would hope it would make you better , and it didn't . You know , we tried to stay together and it just got worse . It got to the point that one day I called my stepdad because he was beating the crap out of me , and by the time my stepdad got there he had a screwdriver to my temple and was ready to stab me with it . So I thank God that my stepdad walked in the house at that time . So that was the end , that I finally left him . And now I still , like I said , through this time .

Speaker 3 11:38

I was never like needing alcohol . Right , I would drink , and I definitely would drink it to the point that I probably should have quit drinking before that . But I never labeled myself as an alcoholic at that time . So , fast forward , I move in with someone else right after we split up and drink , partied a lot with this guy . I had my son .

Speaker 3 11:56

Chad was five and then in 1997 , so Chad was eight I decided , okay , I can't live like this . The party and all that is just too much . So I move away with my son . His dad got incarcerated in the meantime for 15 to 30 years for gross sexual misconduct . So all in all , for me it was really good because I didn't have to worry about him being behind my back or anything like that and I could still be friends with his family . I could still be there with them . For my son , of course , that was hard right and I never dismissed it . I never talked bad about his dad to him or anything like that . I knew he'd learn on his own of that .

Speaker 3 12:34

And long story short , so we move in together and I started working at a golf course and this is when my drinking career , as I call it , really started , and that was in 1997 . I'm at work at a golf course all day long . There's alcohol there all day long . I was the manager of the beverage carts in the bar and I knew how to take the little bottles of alcohol and I knew how to do my inventory . So they didn't know , they came up missing . And so that's when I started drinking a lot , joe , I was drinking If my eyes were open . I was drinking pretty much every day . I worked seven days a week . I made sure I was at work all the time so I can drink all the time , you know . And probably in 2000, .

Speaker 3 13:16

The end of 2000 , I was very sick , like my dad , you know , taking the hot baths very sick . I ended up in the hospital with pancreatitis and the doctor said just refrain from drinking for a while . You know you should be okay . Your liver count's not bad . Your pancreas , you know , does you have what is it ? Is it acute or chronic , acute ? And it just shows up once in a while ? I think , yeah , is it ? Is it acute or chronic acute , that it just shows up once in a while ? I think , yeah , one of the two , yeah , acute . So , so , pretty much I did . I quit drinking for a little while , but I still drank O'Doul sitting at the bar , you know . So I was still in that . I never did anything to fix it , quit that job and I went to another job where I could drink all the time .

Speaker 3 13:53

And now , by this time is 2001 . So from 2001 to 2004 , my drinking was off the hook , like that's all I did all day , all night . You know , I always was partying with people figuring out I get off work , I go sit downstairs and drink . I was a manager , so once again , I knew how to mess that inventory up a little bit . You know , I always used to say , well , I wasn't like . You know the people that stole and lied and all that . I'm like , yeah , you were . You stole from your bosses . You lied to your mom all the time saying you were working , so doing all that . And then , if we fast forward to 2004 , when I quit drinking , so between 2003 , I was in and out of the hospital in and out of the hospital , just so sick Pancreatitis . Three more times , just sick , just sick . By the time I quit drinking in March , I weighed about 85 pounds . My eyes had that if anybody on here or knows about alcoholism and the alcoholic has that . It's almost like your eyes yellow and it's got like a film over it and that's what my eyes looked like , and they were reddish too and my cheeks were sunken and I pretty much think I was going to die shortly if I wouldn't have quit .

Speaker 3 15:04

I was at work on a Saturday night on March the 7th I just came up on my 20 years sober , so I'm pretty excited about that . Congratulations , I'm super proud of you . That's awesome , thank you . So March the 7th , I'm at work . Like I said , we lived in a small town in Michigan , chad and I and now I had stayed single through all this time too .

Turning Point

Speaker 3 15:24

I dated one guy at the very end of my drinking career because I didn't well , I didn't care about anything but drinking anyways , but I didn't want to bring men in and out of my son's life . I just so I pretty much refrained from even dating because I was like , no , I need to concentrate on drinking and my son basically trying to be the best mom that I could through all that . Time management , time management yeah , exactly , I used to think that my son didn't even know I drank as much as I did because I was always at work . Until a few years ago he pointed it out to me that he definitely knew . But so I'm at work March 7th , during the day , I was managing and I drank , and then at the end of my shift I went downstairs to drink with my friends , and it was probably around midnight and I can still remember my friends saying they had me in my boss's office saying we need to call an ambulance .

Speaker 3 16:15

She's going to die . And sure enough , an ambulance came and got me . They took me out on a stretcher , out the stairs and , like I said , we lived in a small town so everybody knew me . So of course the next day everybody's calling my mom , asking my son like , was your mom okay ? And he doesn't have a clue what's going on . And my mom has no clue what's going on because I wasn't about to tell her . So they took me to the hospital , helped teller . So he took me to the hospital , helped me with IVs . My blood alcohol was 0.399 . So , if people don't know , that is pretty close to having a seizure , a heart attack or going into a coma . Pretty lethal , it's a lethal . They sent me over in the hospital with a yellow piece of paper that I still have that said refrain from drinking alcohol . Not we need to get you into a rehab anything .

Speaker 3 17:01

Now , like I said , I'm 85 pounds , sunken cheeks , barely can even move at all . You know , at this point in my life I was drinking shots of Listerine in the morning just to get me to the store to get my alcohol , you know , figuring out some way to get alcohol in my system , just so I wasn't so sick , you know . And so I didn't let them take . My friends brought me home from the hospital but I didn't let them take me to my mom's because I knew that if I went to my mom's I couldn't drink anymore and I needed my drink because I'm like this . So I went to a friend's house and I say you know , whenever everybody believes , I believe God and I know that God had me this day planned for me the way that it happened . Because I went to my friend Sue at Bart's house , I knew they had alcohol in the refrigerator . So from the time I got there , like at 530 in the morning , till I had to work it for the next day , every time I kind of get a little cold here and I just go to the refrigerator take a swig of the booze , I drink can of beer . Take a swig of the booze , I drink can of beer . They had wine .

Speaker 3 18:02

I remember I drank all of these things throughout the day and I went to work to waitress that day , a hot mess Like I shouldn't even I don't , I think I drove to work , which I definitely shouldn't have . Now that I think about how I got there , but I ended up messing up some orders . Just people were looking at me like what is going on with her ? You guys got to get her home or something and I ended up getting fired that day . Well , the next morning . So the next morning is March 9th . And when I say God had that plan , he knew that if I wouldn't have went to work that day , I probably would have not gotten fired and quit drinking that day because I wouldn't have had a reason to . I did have a reason to . I got fired and you know they say everybody's bottom's different and that was my bottom .

Speaker 3 18:42

I was sitting in my house and I was looking out my window so sick and detoxing so bad because I didn't have any alcohol in my house and I can remember just looking out and thinking my God , my son is in the other room at 14 years old . His dad is incarcerated till who knows how long and I'm going to die and my son's going to find me like I found my dad and I could never do that to my son drinking for my son because he wasn't going to have a mom or a dad . And I looked at my parents and his other grandparents like they didn't do the greatest job with us , so I can't leave them with them . You know so crazy how we think sometimes . That's what I thought . That was it .

Speaker 3 19:33

And I literally , joe , I laid on the floor and I screamed and I cried and I told God , I need you , I need your help . I don't know what to do , but I have to do something because I can't live like this anymore . I'm a mess and at that point too , I always like to remind myself , too of this . Like I said , it was for my son , I felt worthless , hopeless , ugly . There was no reason why I was even here . The only reason purpose I really felt like I had was to be a mom to take care of my son at this point in my life .

Speaker 3 20:05

And that day I did I quit . That day that was I quit . And cold turkey , no detox centers , no anything . I talked to doctors and nurses now and they're like we don't know how . You didn't see or die , period . Because I know my blood alcohol level was higher than 0.399 the next day . Because I never stopped and God plays people in my life , joe that over years that I used at that point .

Speaker 3 20:34

My good friend Molly's mom was . Her mom and dad were pastors . I always say they used to come into the golf course and I , when I was drinking and stuff , I'd be like , oh my God , I'm already starting to think I'm the devil because their daughters you know her daughter and I'm partying with it , so . But they didn't feel that way . So I went to Nancy's house and I knocked on her door and I was just like broken . You know , I felt like I was the most hopeless , broken , non-fixable person . But I knew that there had to be a way , because there's so many people out there that found a way to get sober .

Speaker 3 21:07

He went and asked for help . I went and asked for help . I went and literally humbled myself as much as I could . I asked for help because I couldn't do it on my own . She gave me her Bible . She read some of the Bible with me . She told me I always tell people this because people say to me well , how'd you do it ? Well , this is what I did . I , that Bible , she told me , every day , read Psalms one like day one Psalms one , 11 , 21 , 31 , 41 , 51 , 61 , day two , two , 12 , 22 , 32 , 42 . So it was never like one thing . It was like and I think that was just to keep my mind going , because if you're just on Psalm one and you're reading , you're going to so I was like , oh , I got to read 11 . Oh , I got to read 21 . So I did that every day , Like she told me , and I always say there's three things I can thank my boy Stan for , and that's my son Chad , my son Cody , while there's more , I have two bonus kids too .

Speaker 3 22:03

I thank him for those two too . But also showing me AA , because I went to AA meetings with him and Al-Anon meetings . So I immediately started going to meetings . I went to three meetings a day for six weeks straight , like nonstop . And during those times I went to three different friends' houses every single day and I thank them all the time because I knocked on their door , just said here I am , they opened their door and they let me just come sit . Sometimes we'd laugh , sometimes we'd cry , sometimes we wouldn't even say a word , but they always opened their door for me . And how bad that went . We got talk about our to me , you know , yes , yes .

Speaker 2 22:44

You had the connection , you had your community and they were there to help you . And that's so important that asking for that connection and the community and admitting that I'm powerless and I need help , and that's okay to say that , that is okay to say that when you're in that place you need help and that's okay to say that , that is okay to say that when you're in that place you need help ?

Speaker 3 23:03

Yeah , oh , for sure , I could have never done it . That's why my one , my boss , my one boss that fired me , every year on my sobriety anniversary I sent him a message and just be like hey , eric , I just want to say thank you . And he asked his wife . He's like why does she always thank me ? And she's like because tammy feels like you saved her life if you wouldn't have fired her .

Speaker 2 23:28

Then she doesn't know where she would have been , you know , so he doesn't . That's so interesting of everybody's bottom is different , right , and that was the thing for you that clicked like you were obviously a worker your whole life . You always work as a meat . You know workaholic . I would probably say Right , and you've used that you're , you're a worker and you've always . And when someone took that away from you , that was like devastating , right , and someone else might not hear that , might not hear well , so what ? She got fired . I've been fired 27 times , but to everybody's different and you . That was fully devastating . That's like taking part of who you are away . Yeah , and I totally feel that , sister , I get that . I've always been the same way with work , so I understand that .

Speaker 3 24:08

Yeah and then it's hard . Yeah , right , right and , and , honestly , because I was such a mess too , I knew that I couldn't just go find another job somewhere . Who was going to hire me ? There's that part of it too . But , like you said , everybody's bottom is so different . I've watched people that I've looked at them going this has got to be it , this has got to be it , and no , it's not . There's a really good book that I read and I'll have to get the name of it and give it to you , but it's a guy . I think , it's in England , I think , or he's British , I don't know . Anyways , this book . Every time I'm like that's his bottom , that's his bottom . And every time it wasn't his bottom , and he even says it like you would have thought that was it . But he's sober now , but it was just like . Because you feel that way , like looking from the outside at somebody else , that's the worst you could possibly be .

Speaker 2 24:59

And not always . Watching someone is so hard . It is so hard to watch someone over and over and over again and not want to walk away . It is so , so hard .

Speaker 3 25:11

It is hard , and that's when we just have to love them from afar and pray for them . Yeah , because we can't change them . Just like my boy's dad , I learned that Took me a long time .

Speaker 2 25:25

That's how we started talking about codependency , because we were kind of talking through that and , you know , laughed about that a little bit , like we started that young , taking care of everybody trying to change it , trying to fix it , trying to control it , and that really only hurts you , right ? That really only hurts you , right . So , yeah , that's a whole nother podcast , isn't it ?

Speaker 3 25:44

Yes , it is Sure , it is it is . And so you know that that's when it all started , like my sobriety with the , with the AA , and doing that for six weeks . And you know , I think , back now I'm like 20 years , how , how has 20 years gone by already ? Back now , I'm like 20 years .

Speaker 2 26:00

How has 20 years gone by already ?

Speaker 3 26:01

One day at a time , all the things right , one foot in front of the other , and it's just like love it , yeah .

Speaker 3 26:14

And so I like to add this , jo , because this is part of my story and you're sober , I'm sober , we don't walk outside and there's a big bubble around us that protects us from everything in life that sober , I'm sober , we don't walk outside and there's a big bubble around us that protects us from everything in life that says I'm going to protect you from everything or anything that could hurt you , you know , or make you go back to drinking or dropping .

Overcoming Addiction With Mindfulness and Tools

Speaker 3 26:30

And I say that because I feel and this is my own personal opinion that once we start , once we get over the physical addiction part and now we got to work on us we have to work on our mind and how we react to things in life , because it's so easy for someone to say , well , I just had a tragedy in my life , I'm going to go pick up a drink , or I'm going to go smoke a cigarette , or I'm going to go do a line of coke or whatever it is that you're drugged , or I'm going to go smoke a cigarette , or I'm going to go do a line of coke or whatever it is that you're drug , or I'm going to go gamble , whatever it is .

Speaker 3 27:02

There's so many addictions out there and I feel like after a certain point , we're making a choice . Now , right , absolutely . I heard Matthew Perry say this and it made a lot of sense to me because somebody was saying something about addiction and he said I do make that choice to pick that first drink up , but after that I'd make no more choices Because once I pick that first one up , that's it . I get it , yeah , all consuming , absolutely .

Speaker 2 27:28

Just take it over . It's literally a different . Just take it over .

Speaker 3 27:31

Sure , there's like yeah , and you could look at somebody that's been sober for years and picks up again and they're the same way . They were years before and they don't even know . They're like I just picked up one drink and there it went . Nicholas was 18 months old when Scott and I started hanging out . When they hung out , and Heather was about three , three and a half , probably close to four , cause they're only like 14 months apart . But anyways , they're my bonus kids . You know we got them every other weekend , loved them . I actually , in 21 , was able to officiate Heather's wedding . You know , it's just , they're just . They're just my life .

Speaker 3 28:04

And in 2012 , unfortunately , nicholas was in a single car drinking and driving accident and we lost him at 26 years old . And I say that for the fact of I didn't have to go back out and drink or drug , because you know I used my tools that I learned . You know the things that I had to do . We're just talking about grief , you and I , and you know it was just like losing another child , because he was like my child and but I didn't ever think that I had to go drink because of it , because in my mind now , what good am I to myself or anybody else if I go take that first drink .

Speaker 2 28:41

Yeah , I have no idea . Yeah , you know that you're not someone that can go just take a drink , and you 110% know that . And now you have tools in your toolbox to draw from right . Yeah , you know you can get your mindset right , get your head right , get your heart right quickly . Right , don't think about it , it's autopilot . Now it's who you are and that's that's different . So you will get there , like everyone will get there . You just gotta keep going , you gotta keep going , you gotta keep going , and then one day it's autopilot .

Speaker 3 29:13

Right , and and the big thing of it is too is , like you said , that toolbox . You know you could go and we could sit in AA meetings every day for eight hours a day , but if you're not learning and using those tools , it's not doing you any good . You know , and that's what I see a lot , not just in addiction , just in life in general Like I could listen to every motivational video in the world and not go to the gym .

Speaker 2 29:38

right , if you have to do the work , not go to the gym right , you have to do the work , you have to apply it right , you have to do the work and

Overcoming Struggles and Finding Hope

Speaker 2 29:49

that's so important . A lot of people are court ordered or they have to go to treatment because they're facing jail time or whatever , and unfortunately that does not work . It may work for some , don't let me say it doesn't work . It may work for some , but for a lot of the people that I have known , it doesn not work . It may work for some , don't let me say it doesn't work . It may work for some , but for a lot of the people that I have known , it doesn't work because you're not applying it . You're not even wanting to apply it . You're appeasing what somebody has told you to do .

Speaker 2 30:10

And again , we have to quit for ourselves . You quit for you say it was for your son . But really , tammy , it was for you to be able to take care of your son , right ? Sure , so you knew that you couldn't be that person and you couldn't be that mom there for him and he needed you . So it is still for you . Yeah , but he was the catalyst , right ? Correct ?

Speaker 3 30:34

That's it , 100% . You know , we can't want it for somebody else as much as we want it for someone else . They have to want it for themselves .

Speaker 2 30:42

They absolutely do . Yeah , tell me when you so . When we talked last week I want to say I was maybe your 128th episode on your podcast , is that right ? Yes , so tell us about how that started , why you started it and what your kind of purpose and mission has been since you've gotten sober .

Speaker 3 31:02

Okay , that's awesome . I love that . Well , I love talking about my podcast . You guys can't see my face right now , but my smile goes huge Like yes , ball of energy , ball of energy .

Speaker 2 31:13

Just love her Thanks .

Speaker 3 31:16

And so I started . So I was going to start my . I had started a blog . I think you said it was 14 and a half years . I said I was sober , so about five and a half years ago . And um , and I first off I didn't know what I was going to call it , so I never started it .

Speaker 3 31:29

And then I was at actually I was at an overdose awareness event and they had had , they were doing a video for their local rehab place and they had a coffin there and when you lifted the coffin it was full of bottles and pills and needles and you know all the addiction things and basically , and then they carried it out to the first . It was just saying like this is what's going to happen if you continue , you know , or jail . So I went to that event and when I went the couple of people were talking about losing their children to overdoses and I really never had been around that , I was always alcoholism , you know and they said , well , tomorrow at the overdose awareness march , who is going to talk about hope ? And they said Juan , who actually was my first live interview that I did , but anyways , they were like Juan , is he's going to talk about hope ? And that hope just kept sticking in my head . So I was driving home and I was like , cool , that's what I'm going to call it . I'm like helping other people helping other people . And I kept hearing evolve . And I'm like helping other people not evolve , that's not the word I want and that's what I would say , right . And then here come evolving it Like I'm arguing with , with God , like no , it's not evolved . And then I get him home and I pull in my driveway and a really good friend of mine knew I was doing the blog , so I called her . I said Lori , I know what I'm going to call my podcast or my blog . And she's like she's like what I said hope . She's like I can't wait for people to hear how you evolved . And I'm like , shut up , you should not just say evolved when she's like I did . And I'm like , well , it's going to be helping other people evolve . And she's like I love it . And then I told her the story afterwards . But so that's where it started , at the blog .

Speaker 3 33:05

And then , at the end of 2019 , I was like you know what ? I'm going to start a podcast , a podcast of hope , helping other people evolve . And it was going to be all about addiction . That was what it was going to be the forefront . And well , here comes 2020 , you know , for all of us , not a very good year all around . You know .

Speaker 3 33:21

I say it started out with Kobe and Gianna , which I don't get starstruck or anything like that , but for some reason it crushed my soul . With Kobe and Gianna it was just so sad and my son and his friends he's all you know throw the basket being like Kobe , you know so , and he was really , that was his guy . And so that happened in what was that ? January , early February , right right around that time . And then on February 13th , I messaged my good friend Josh , who was one of my best friends , and said , hey , I want to go work out at Planet Fitness . And he was like no , I'm planning my podcast . March 9th , by the way , is when I was planning it . And he's like no , tim , I'm not really feeling good , I'm at work a little bit longer . Our friend Mike is over at the Newsboy concert , which is a Christian band . He's like yeah , I'm sorry , I'm just not feeling great . I said , okay , talk to you tomorrow or whatever . Well , I didn't get to talk to him tomorrow because he took a Percocet that night that had fentanyl and he died on Valentine's day , didn't know that at the time when he died he had his inhaler next to him . He'd been clean and sober for five and a half years . So we thought he either had a heart attack because he wasn't in the greatest shape at this time . We thought maybe he had an asthma attack because he had his inhaler and he just couldn't get to the phone and couldn't breathe , or we thought maybe he had COVID , because it was when COVID first started coming around . So he went through his whole funeral and everything . And then , two months later , his mom found out that it was fentanyl in his Percocet and as they went through his phone , they saw that he had Googled . How do you know ? You got a bad Percocet and so , yeah , so we lost him . And then here comes COVID . So March 9th I'm not starting my podcast , that didn't happen . I was trying to push it back . Well then , april 3rd of 2020 , and I'm just sharing all this because it's another thing of no excuses in my life for anything On April 3rd , a good friend of mine in Arizona was shot and killed by her husband .

Speaker 3 35:16

He shot her 14 times in her car . They had four kids together two little girls and two older boys and the hardest part for me , while I was losing Christy , of course , was I was stuck in Michigan . I couldn't fly to Arizona because of COVID , and these were my friends and I'm that person . I'm the one that's going to help them get through the struggle . I'm the hope dealer , right , so that was really hard for me . I was able to fly out there in May with them for a little bit and just for a few days , and kind of I don't know try to get some kind of something .

Speaker 3 35:51

In July , we had her celebration of life out in California . It was beautiful . We went to Lake Tahoe for a few days with her family and , just , you know , loved on them and just remembered the memories of her . And then I came home , and then , in August , my mom was in and out of the hospital no COVID , no COVID On a Wednesday , she ended up getting COVID in the hospital , and we brought her home on Thursday and she passed away on that Monday in August . So my 2020 was just like everybody else's . It sucked , you know . And now , though , my nephew's moved out , my mom's gone , unfortunately , and I'm going to move to Arizona and I am going to start my podcast . So throughout that time I did do that . I moved out to Arizona in February of 21 .

Speaker 3 36:35

And when I did that , I knew I was starting my podcast that year and God said but it's not going to be just about addiction , tammy , there's so many other struggles out there .

Speaker 3 36:47

I want you to just find people .

Speaker 3 36:48

I just want stories of hope , stories of struggles , strength , whatever it is . And I started it on March 9th , Like I told myself , I was that year on my sobriety date and I just got started putting people in my life . Like it's , you know , episode after episode , 90% of the people I had never met before in my entire existence of life there's probably only 10 people , honestly , that I knew before I did my podcast you know that were on there . But other than that , it's like you , joe , you know running into you on social media , you know just hearing people's stories , watching them , and then I just reach out and be like , hey , you know , I got this , this great , this great platform for you to share your story , and that's what it's about for me . You know what is the greatest story you've heard ? I'm like , are you kidding me ? All the stories are amazing . I could never pinpoint one story , because anybody that's went through a struggle and gotten to a strength and necessarily we're not completely there yet , but we're surviving and we're getting through day to day , you know .

Speaker 2 37:48

You know I always like to say you never know what someone's gonna hear , that one little thing that sticks . You know what I mean , that spark of hope today . You never know what someone might hear that might help them or someone they love , you know , to get sober or to whatever the struggle is . Whatever that struggle may be , you don't know what it is they need to hear . So that's why we do this right , that's why we do this and we just have a heart for it . And I knew from the moment I started seeing some of your posts and what you were talking about , I was like , oh yeah , totally reaching out . I know we're going to connect . So similar , you know , similar everything the codependency , the trying to take care of everything , the trying to control everything , the make it all right . We're out there hustling , struggling , working our butts off trying to take care of somebody that isn't . You know it's just ridiculous , right ?

Speaker 2 38:34

The things that we just do over and over and over again insanity , right ? Yes , I knew we were going to connect and I just feel like somehow , some way , there's something more for us . I can't , I don't know , I can't put my finger on it , but I feel like there's just something reason that we connected . Can we do something that I've really never done before or mentioned before ? You've had a friend just recently pass away . Can we just honor him for a minute and maybe even just dedicate this to him and his loved ones and his family ?

Speaker 2 39:06

He didn't pass away , as far as we know , from addiction , but it was sudden , right , and it was sad and it's raw and it was a good friend of yours and I just want to kind of just take the time to say I'm sorry that that happened . I know you've had a rough week and I'm sorry about that and I'm so proud of you for getting through the week and getting through the things you need to get through , and it's not even a question whether you're going to go drink again , so , so , so happy about that for you .

Speaker 3 39:36

Yeah , thank you , and just so , his name was Maurice . Yeah , and I I've worked with him for well . I've worked with him since 2013 , on and off , you know , but we we had developed a really cool friendship . He was a great man and he's going to be missed a lot

Lessons Learned Through Grief

Speaker 3 39:49

.

Speaker 3 39:49

And navigating through the grief you know , it's like I was telling you earlier , every grief we go through is different . And I want to say this I learned this from my good friend , chastity , who was actually on my podcast . She lost her husband a couple of years ago . But you know , grief isn't just losing somebody . People need to know that , right ? I mean , even when I lost my job , that was , I was grieving like , oh , what am I going to do ? And I chose sobriety then . But you know , grieving can be losing a house , losing a job , losing your car , losing a spouse , you know , and sometimes we grief for people that are still here . Yeah , that's a really hard grief too . So I just like to really point out and I guess grief has been on my heart for the last three weeks , and maybe it was because it was preparing me for Maurice a little bit but I always tell people don't let anybody tell you how you're supposed to grieve , because our grief is us and we have to go through it . However , we have to go through it . I just hope that as you go through it , you don't just stay in it , you don't have to figure out ways to get through it . And the thing that I look at is I got to share this with you because it was the sweetest .

Speaker 3 41:01

I babysit two little boys Fitz , I started babysitting at four months old . He's going to be seven this year . And they had another little baby , tatum , and he's four . Well , he's seven months old now . So I started watching Tatum . Well , fitz didn't have school yesterday , so I was watching both of them and we were taught .

Speaker 3 41:18

He said you look tired , tam Tam , that's what he calls me and I'm like I'm a little tired . His uncle's a good friend of mine who works at the casino too . I said your uncle , daryl , and I lost a really good friend yesterday or the other day and he's like oh TMTM , just know that he's always with you . And I was like , oh , you , sweet little boy , like you're right , and I was blessed to know him . So that's what I and then he also said to me yesterday we were talking . I said something about . Well , you know who I love , like that he's like you love me . And I said I do . And he's like and you love Tatum . And I said I do love Tatum . And I said , and who else he's like ? Well , you love you . And I said , well , I love Chad . Who's my son right ? He's like , oh yeah , you love Chad . Bye Tam Tam . You have to love you too . And I was like , oh my goodness , he was just like in my soul .

Speaker 2 42:06

I was like you're right , that's exactly right , and so you know , just doing right with that boy somebody , that's right , that's right .

Speaker 3 42:12

That's what his mom told me today he's learning he goes to a private Catholic school . She's like he's learning the church . He's learning that you got to love each other and love yourself . You know , but it was just so sweet .

Speaker 2 42:24

So sweet Learning self-love at that age when , when most people I know are learning it now right , exactly , I just started learning it a few years ago we're realizing that it was important that , how important that it was that you know that you have to love yourself through everything . Or you , or you can't get through anything right and you have to be your best self to give yourself to someone else right . And so to hear you say that about him , that's so awesome .

Speaker 3 42:54

It is so sweet . And just like looking at him like , yes , keep that always . You know , he's just a sweet boy yeah .

Speaker 3 43:01

And so that helped me and just to remember , like , so , unfortunately , when somebody passes away , they're never coming back , you know , we know that . And so then I have to look at , since I knew him in 2012 to now , the blessings that I had with him , and right , that's what I will hold on to . You know , yesterday I picked up my phone , I wanted to text him , because we text each other every week and checked in on each other , you know , and I picked it up and I put his name and I was like , oh , you know , then their heart wrench , but I was blessed to know a man like that , and a lot of people don't get those blessings . So that's when I have to turn it around .

Speaker 3 43:35

And you know , and I know I'm , and I have had and this has been a big deal for me like four people that I know that have like really reached out to me , like phone call , like hey , I'm just checking on you , and which was really sweet to me . They're like you're always checking on us , you're always making sure we're okay . So that meant a lot to me , you know , just knowing people care and people do care , and you know people might think that our world is mean and ugly and hatred . But if you stop watching the news , I'm going to tell you what our life's not like , that there's people out there and it's really a beautiful world .

Speaker 2 44:11

And it does depend on what you focus on , doesn't it ? Where your energy goes right , where your energy goes , stuff flows . So you have to focus on the good , right ? Yeah , and Maurice doesn't want you to focus on the memories , he would want you to focus on the good . Nobody would want somebody to sit around and wallow , right , nobody would want that for somebody else . They would want to get on , to get on with it and just remember the happy times , right .

Speaker 2 44:36

And I have to tell myself that sometimes too , you know , I lost something . I mean , it was a long time ago , and there's still times when I'm like , oh , that just sucks that you're not here , I can't talk to you , but you still just have to go back and remember the good times .

Speaker 3 44:50

So yes , for sure , I still talk to my people .

Speaker 2 44:54

I do , and I still feel like they're around and I still feel like there's dreams . I've lost a lot of people to death and a lot of people to suicide An ungodly amount , to be completely honest . It's just bizarre , but really crazy .

Speaker 3 45:10

When you said you feel them around . You know , I tell people you know , watch for little signs because , honestly , they are around , because there's little things like I'll be thinking of my friend Josh and I'll be having , maybe having a moment and I'll get in my car and Toby Mac's on the radio and that's who we listen to and I'm like , well , of course , toby Mac's on the radio , right ? Or something about my mom . I had an experience . I'll share this real quick , because this was my friend Christy , the one that was murdered .

Speaker 3 45:36

She , we were out on a boat one time in Punta Cana , out in the middle of the ocean , and she's got her skin makeup thing and she's putting on her powder . I'm like , what are you doing ? We're in the middle of the ocean , you look beautiful . She's like , oh , my skin is . I'm like your skin is beautiful . But she didn't . She had a very low self-esteem . So I really like kept edifying her , you know , and throughout the years that I knew her and she kept getting better . She didn't even tell me like I'm getting better , I'm not using as much powder , right ? Well , I was .

Speaker 3 46:02

I competed in a bodybuilding competition this past October and the morning of it it was pouring down . Rain spray tan got all of my hair . My hair was all brown down . Here I'm looking in the mirror . My everything's not going right and I'm almost crying , but I can't , because I've got my mascara on and all of the sudden memories came on with Adam Levine and that was her song and I standing there , like now I really want to cry because I know that she was with me right then saying girl , you don't need all that makeup , you look fine . You know what I mean Like . But those little signs are what happens . It truly does happen . But we got to be paying attention to the signs .

Speaker 2 46:45

You know I had thought about starting my podcast on March 5th , which was my person that committed suicide's birthday , and I wasn't quite ready to start it . And I had the little sign and actually heard the words hey , it's not about me . And I was like , oh right , I need to start this when I'm ready to start this and when it's about me . And I heard those words plain as day it's not about me . And I was like , yep around , so you just have to pay attention , right ? Yep , you have to pay attention . I'm so glad we did this today , tammy , and I'm glad we got to do this again . And I know we're going to do some more stuff and , like I said , I don't know what it is , but something's coming , so so , oh yeah , I believe that we're proud of you and super happy , so , all right .

Speaker 1 47:41

I am so grateful that you joined me for this week's episode of Breakfast of Choices

Inspiring Podcast on Transformation and Connection

Speaker 1 47:46

. If you're enjoying this podcast , please subscribe , give it five stars and share it to help others find hope and encouragement . The opposite of addiction is connection , and we are all in this together . Telling your transformational story can also be an incredible form of healing , so if you would like to share it , I would love to hear it . You can also follow me on social media . I'm your host , jo Summers , and I can't wait to bring you another story next week . Stay with me for more Transformational Thursdays .