How AA Saved Her: Finding Purpose After Addiction with Ashley Pakulski

Today on Breakfast of Choices, I share a conversation I had with Ashley Pakulski. Ashley is an Online Mompreneur Coach who guides ambitious mompreneurs to confidently achieve next-level success in both business and life.
She is also a Best Selling Author. On this episode, Ashley opened up about her journey with childhood trauma, addiction struggles, and recovery. She got real about how trauma impacted her self-worth and led her to turn to drugs and alcohol as a teen. 

As a single mom, she relied on alcohol to cope but realized it was negatively impacting her life and relationship with her daughter. Ashley tried different recovery methods like AA and counseling. While AA has really helped her through working the steps and connecting with others, she also emphasizes inner mindset work like meditation, prayer and reframing negative thoughts. It was touching to hear her share about losing her close friend to an overdose after they drifted apart in their adult lives. Her friend's death served as Ashley's ultimate rock bottom moment to commit to recovery for herself and her daughter. 

We discussed how childhood trauma underlies so many addiction issues and the importance of self-love and positive self-talk. I hope listeners find encouragement from Ashley's story of healing and take away tools for their own journey to recovery.

Connect with Ashley:
https://www.instagram.com/theashleypakulski/

From Rock Bottom to Rock Solid.

We all have them...every single day, we wake up, we have the chance to make new choices.

We have the power to make our own daily, "Breakfast of Choices"

Resources and ways to connect:

Facebook: Jo Summers
Instagram: @Summersjol
Facebook Support: Chance For Change Women’s circle

National suicide prevention and crisis, hotline number 988

National domestic violence hotline:
800–799–7233

National hotline for substance abuse, and addiction:
844–289–0879

National mental health hotline:
866–903–3787

National child health and child abuse hotline:
800–422–4454

CoDa.org
12. Step recovery program for codependency.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:07

Welcome to Breakfast of Choices, the weekly podcast that shares life stories of transformation. Each episode holds space for people to tell their true, raw and unedited story of overcoming intense adversity. From addiction and incarceration, mental illness, physical and emotional abuse, domestic violence, toxic families, codependency and more. Trauma comes in so many forms. I'm your host, jo Summers, and also someone who hit my lowest point before realizing that I could wake up every day and make a better choice, even if it was a small one. So let's dive into this week's story together to learn from and find hope through someone's journey from rock bottom to rock solid, because I really do believe you have a new chance every day to wake up and make a change, to create your own. Breakfast of Choices.

Speaker 2: 1:09

Good morning. Welcome to Breakfast of Choices podcast. I'm your host, jo Summers. Stories of real life transformation from rock bottom to rock solid. I have my guest here, ashley Pakulski, from Toronto, canada, outside of Toronto. I am super excited to have Ashley with me today. I have met Ashley really through someone that helps me with my podcast and come to find out she helps on the back end of my podcast also. So she's heard them all, heard all the episodes, and we started talking and I am excited to have her as my guest today. And we started talking and I am excited to have her as my guest today. We're going to talk a little bit about childhood trauma, high school drug experimentation, really get into alcohol addiction, family and friend addictions. We're going to talk a little bit about some overdoses that have happened in Ashley's life and just kind of some of the different things that are working for her in her recovery. So I'm just going to go ahead and let Ashley get into her story today. Good morning, ashley.

Speaker 3: 2:07

Good morning. Thank you so much, Jo, for having me on here. I'm so honored.

Speaker 2: 2:12

I am super excited to have you today.

Speaker 3: 2:14

No well, yeah, a little bit about my story. So since a young age I've experienced childhood trauma, leading up into high school I was sexually assaulted and I just had this void, guilt, shame, resentment, anger, all these emotions and really not knowing who I was, which I started turning into alcohol, which at that age you know, you think it's normal People are going through it. There was drugs as well and you know it was just like a whole spiral out of control kind of thing, even like with my mood, my emotions, that with family as well, I ran away from home. I just had so much things that like that was going on. And you know, it was also too that when things started like picking up a little bit, when my relationship with my daughter's father started going down, in there too I started turning to alcohol.

Speaker 3: 3:12

And I was finishing up college and that means when, too, I got a DUI and I just started to feel like this failure, like of a mom I would say, kind of thing, and I guilt that she, what did I do? I turned to alcohol and being a single mom right, you're raising this child. I had family support. I still raised a good girl, I, you know, into her mindset, all in that well-being. I always like instill that positive mindset, knowing your word we're catholics so having that strong faith in God and believing even when the times get tough. So I was able to do that and she has those tools with her till today Resilient girl.

Speaker 3: 3:53

But anywho, in that middle of that time, you know, being that single mom working doing this and that, what did I do? I started turning to alcohol because I would use on a weekend to clean or cold escape kind of thing, yeah, and it started taking my every day Right. So, long story short, you know, I went to AA, I tried different things and here I am actually coming up. May 2nd is going to be my one year.

Speaker 2: 4:19

Wow, Congratulations. That's awesome. That's awesome Cute. Go back a little bit for me. Ashley and you said it kind of started for you with some childhood trauma. Do you want to talk a little bit about that?

Speaker 3: 4:33

Yes, yeah, no, definitely. I'm an open book and I'm still trying to like pin through it exactly, like how did this happen? How come I couldn't have a voice? And you know, vk with my sponsor about this and her sharing with me. You know, like, a lot of times, like a lot of people say this has happened to them, like in childhood, like you're in kids and stuff like that. So I'm still trying to even like pinpoint exactly.

Speaker 3: 4:59

But you know it involved like molestation and it was an older boy than me and you know I don't know how like it even started. Like that's where I'm trying to like, you know, not go back in a way of like where I'm putting that like re-experiencing that trauma kind of thing, but just my inner healing kind of as well. Like the chapter, yeah, but yeah, so was that. I don't know how it ended completely. I know the boy moved and stuff like that. So I don't know if my mom you know she found out about it parent-wise and they like dealt it Like. You know what I mean. So, yeah, still both question things, but what I do know is that it affected my speaking up using my voice, because in elementary school we had our friends or whatever. But you know how guys are and you get made fun of sometimes or something.

Speaker 3: 5:52

It really started with my confidence as well. So there I started to have more anger, more resentment. That was building up. I was still that good kid, right. I was scared. I was scared to use my voice, I was scared to tell my mom things because I was here, that because she was more of a european strict person, which is an amazing mom, great mom. I love her. But it was different times that right. So I didn't want to get in trouble or if I'm going to upset her kind of thing. So I'm still trying to figure out that must is a big side and maybe I shouldn't be figuring it out kind of whatever. But it's something I guess still in my healing that I feel like I I do want to close that chapter. I feel like it was closed in a way, like going through my resentments and all of that.

Speaker 2: 6:35

But yeah, there and the reason I had you go back, um, it's not to like rehash trauma, but you know, trauma is 90% of addiction. That is the stats on that. That's a crazy amount, right. And when we kind of go back and learn that we really have to deal with the core and the root of our problems, to really deal with our addiction. That's why I kind of had to go backwards a little bit, because it can start very young and builds who you are. Right, it builds your core values of who you are to yourself and if you have no self-worth within yourself, that brings up all of those issues. Right, we had no voice and we're all of the things we're codependent, we're trying to mask, we're trying to escape, we're trying to do all of those things because we don't want to feel what we were feeling. So, yeah, and that's why I had you go back, I'll let you go ahead and continue, yeah.

Speaker 3: 7:33

And you know, and that's amazing because at the end of the day too, like when I start reflecting, even like because I've been on this inner work, mindset healing, doing that goal, transformation, since many years now and I reflect and I go back and it's like where did this happen? From A I know that I believe in God and I know that he put me on this path and this is my story that I can take to help other people. If I didn't go through these experiences, I would be like who would like to say that I can help someone, right? So he honestly trusted me. He said things like that. But this is my story, my story that I came to help. But, looking back, I go. This is where it stands out, this is where it happened, this is where it actually came from, because it didn't come like you know.

Speaker 3: 8:31

They say too, there's people that they, they don't have an addiction problem, right, they can drink normally, they're doing great, whatever. But again, it trauma. Something happens in their life and then what happens? They start drinking. Right. So it is pinpointing it too, because, yes, you are an alcoholic or you have the addiction, but if, where did it come from so that you can make peace with it, to learn to let go and to let go of that shame and forgive yourself and them and absolutely, but forgiving yourself.

Speaker 2: 9:04

Going back to that, I learning that this was not my fault, I didn't do anything wrong here and I dealt with it because I didn't know how to deal with it. So I just coped right and, especially as children, we don't know how to do those things and, like you said, you didn't want to tell your mom for many different reasons fear, shame, guilt, all of the things that we all experience and it was a different times and my parents were different too. I didn't feel like I could go to them either, not saying I couldn't, I just didn't feel that way at the time. So I totally understand. You know exactly where you're coming from on that, and I know you said you have a year right now, clean and sober on that. And I know you said you have a year right now, clean and sober. Yeah, come here a second. That's super exciting. Have you tried in the past any anything, any times, to quit drinking besides this time?

Speaker 3: 9:55

yes, I have. So when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I stopped drinking and now it's nine months actually, that was, yeah, it was more than close to a year as well too. And then after and again it was like periodically here, there and then at a college, and then, you know, the whole thing started happening with her father and I and kind of ripple effected worse. But also before my year there was, I think it was like three years down, so I wouldn't have had three years coming up, but my one year thing and I was, like you know, thoughts started coming into my head they feel I can't stop drinking for like a year, and then now they continue once in a while. They can do it, I can do it, right. So these things were in your head, yeah. And so I started and it was a little here and there. You know it wasn't taking the toll of my life, things were going great, whatever.

Speaker 3: 10:53

But then somewhere it just started, like with my friend passing. It was my daughter's confirmation. And that morning I found out and you know it was my daughter's confirmation there was alcohol there, whatever. And I know that, like after my daughter's confirmation, I would have most likely gone home, whatever called it a night thing, but finding out that it was my friend, passed away and try to keep a straight smile on my face, be there for my daughter. But yet, you know, I had in that alcohol too. That was like contributing to this, like you know, pain, this anger, this sadness, because if I haven't drank in I probably would have handled it different. Right, right, but having that alcohol it took a spin out of my life, like that whole weekend.

Speaker 3: 11:41

And it was saturday, sunday, monday, and then that tuesday I stopped. I actually messaged my sponsor, my old sponsor, at well, you know, but we were still connected and I was like I'm sorry, I did you forget, and it's just like I could tell, like I saw your post and I'm like oh gosh, and then, and then she's like right, probably didn't notice, or if they did whatever. So she took me to a meeting and I was like you know, don't tell no one right now like I was ashamed. I was ashamed, and you know, and so she took me. So, going back to the phone group that I was ashamed, I was ashamed, and you know, and so she took me. So I went back to the phone group that I was at. She took me to a different meeting and I went there and it was a different experience, I would say. And I looked at her and I said you know what I'm not ashamed of going back to where I came from. Well, I went back and it's been great ever since then.

Speaker 2: 12:35

So you, do you have that same sponsor? Now I do, I do. That's wonderful. So for you, aa has has really worked for you. It has you, you. You shared with me a little bit. You went the first time and and thought what, the first time you went. You shared with me a little bit. You went the first time and thought what, the first time you went.

Speaker 3: 12:54

You thought what, so the first time when I went, I was like this isn't for me. I'm like you know, like this, like I know a lot of people share this in the rooms, right when they feel like when they first go in, they're like this isn't me. I'm not someone that's sleeping on a park bench drinking a beer out of a bag or whatever, or you know, I'm not like losing, like you have this, like idea of what this alcoholic is and who it's for these groups, but these are everyday people. There's lawyers in there and there's you know what I mean. Like this is every day and going into these meetings and hearing people's stories and like how they've overcome and looking at them glowing or even when problems arise, and it's just like smooth sailing compared to, like you know what I mean like how we would turn to the alcohol, because that's what was helping us at that time.

Speaker 3: 13:42

But you know, it completely shifted my mind and then, after like a couple of times, I was like, okay, I'm like you know what. You have something I really don't. I want to learn more about myself, I'm all about you know, to that inner feeling where, and hearing that time my sponsor for the first time when she was speaking, I was like huh, I really like how she talks. I'm like you know, I'm like I want her to be my sponsor, so it's been amazing that is amazing, did you said you had a friend that you lost.

Speaker 2: 14:10

Was that? How did that happen?

Speaker 3: 14:13

So we actually she's been there throughout my whole life in high school and we protected each other. Actually, even when the assault happened in high school, she wanted me to go with her and I was like you know what, I want to stay here with my friends, and my mom never really like clicked heads with her. She always called you know what? I want to stay here with my friends and my mom never really like clicked heads with her. She was called her mom and don and you know it was just the lifestyle, whatever and but we always kept each other safe. We understood each other like these were real good friends. And you know so what happened with her? She had an overdose. She lost her sister years ago, krista to suicide. Her mom recently passed away too, before she overdosed, so that took a toll on her as well.

Speaker 3: 15:01

We lost contact and I felt when I found out that she was turning to her addiction again and she wasn't much of a jigger and I've heard about her story because we've lost contact and touched base together kind of thing and stuff like that. But when I found out she was going back down that dark path, I tried finding her and you know she was in a part of like area where we're from. That wasn't so good. And I tried calling my friend and like let's go together and find her. And it's just like, but what are you going to do when you find her? You know, is she going to want to come with you? Is she? You know what state is she in?

Speaker 3: 15:40

Like her family was saying too, like you know, you can't take her into your house because you know like it's serious, like she can. You know, you have your daughter, she can this and that. And I'm like so I started praying for her. I mean that's the last thing, at least thing I can do. And I found out that she was doing better. She was actually supposed to come out for eight months sobriety, oh wow, and yes, so she overdosed and I felt bad because I lost contact and I had that real shame too, just like even too, with her sister when she took her life. My daughter was just born and you know it was just different lifestyles, different life. And you know, when you close your chapter and you move on, kind of thing, and like you just separate, kind of things.

Speaker 2: 16:24

So I just need your playground. So there's no shame in that. Save yourself sometimes and you have to change that playground. Play people, places and things, things, and. But those things do happen, though you find out. Something happened to an old friend and that can take you back a minute.

Speaker 3: 16:38

Yeah, definitely, and I still think about her every single day. Her one year death anniversary is coming up and, you know, I think about it every time, like I pray for her, her mom, her sisters. There's one sister still alive. I don't know where she is, but she's completely, you know, lost in her addiction and it's like you can't even help her. And it's not because, like, I'm trying to find out that missing piece that we spoke about, because there's something there that we can do to help them, right? I know they say they have to be willing to help themselves, but they can't. So there's something that do to help them, right? I know they say they have to be willing to help themselves, but they can't. So there's something that needs to be changed that we can do, like you know what.

Speaker 2: 17:19

I mean. So, yeah, yeah, we and we did talk a little bit about that before we started this morning is just the whole mental health side of things. I think it starts first with mental awareness and then there's just a whole mental health side of it that addiction does play a part in, but it stems from somewhere, and so that missing link of where, where, when, how and how can we intervene in a way that doesn't put that like people feel that stigma. You know what I mean. When you say mental health, you can visibly see people start squirming. We're talking about the mental health of just everyday people, right, and connection is the opposite of addiction. So if people are feeling disconnected, you know, you feel that disconnect and you don't think there's anybody there to help you or you're in that guilt and shame cycle. You're not going to ask for help, right? So that's a link that we're.

Speaker 2: 18:14

I think we're all trying to figure that out right now. Right, that missing link, and you know we're going to stay on this and keep sharing our stories. And you know, I'm wanting to know, like, what is helping you, because I want to be able to tell people about those things. What helps? The same thing doesn't help for everyone, right? There's many people that have been to AA or NA or all of those things and say, oh, that didn't help me. That didn't help me. Okay, maybe it didn't, but there's many other things that you can try, right? So, no, don't just stop there, right? So tell me some other things that you've tried. Yeah yeah.

Speaker 3: 18:51

So I try the whole counseling, talking to a psychologist, try the whole medication thing too, and like I even felt worse with it and, mind you, everyone's their own, like you know. Like sometimes you get support with that, but you know it just didn't. It wasn't clicking right. I know with counseling too, it's like trial and error, but it was just like the band-aid kind of thing, like it wasn't getting to that root cause. Yeah, truthfully, to a. A has really helped me. I'm all about like doing the inner mindset work, all of that self discovery, reprogramming your subconscious mind, all of that. Habits, all like morning routines have definitely helped me as well. As I'm doing breath work, meditation, prayers. I go to church. I need to go like even weekly mass every morning, like I need to go if I can, but I go there because I feed myself spiritually as well. But aa has really, really helped uh, reading books, uh, listening to people's stories, like you know what I mean, like they're not alone, like there's people that feel this, and AA has really, really helped. Reading books, listening to people's stories, you know what I mean. They're not alone, there's people that feel this, and if there's someone that's going through something and they're even two steps ahead of you. It's like how can I do that? Show me the way, right. So I think that's very powerful too. It's like connecting yourself with people that can understand you without judgment and, you know, really directing you. Like another thing I'm going through right now is that whole eagle part, right, yeah, so what neat with that and that is I have.

Speaker 3: 20:23

It's like when you're doing this work, it's not that you wave a magic wand and then poof, it's all wrong, you're on goal. So you these at the surface, yeah, you got things. Like you know, like the whole ego. Like I have to separate my stock and I'm like, oh, this isn't me, this is just my ego. Like you know what I mean. Let's go keep naming it and saying like, oh, this is like mini ashley or something whatever, right, right, like you know what.

Speaker 3: 20:47

I guess those thoughts will come right even when drinking alcohol. You can stop drinking and then you're gonna be fine and then you're gonna say, oh, I couldn't have that one drink. Oh, I did. Good, it's all. Just one drink. Like I'll be okay, like you know, but it's not because then after, even if it doesn't happen right away, that you start drinking in a cycle fully. Yeah, it can happen a week after, like even with my friends, like, if that doesn't happen, that I didn't stop drinking, who knows where where would I, would be, like, you know, would I still be drinking every other weekend until something bad happened, so harming my body, like you know what I mean.

Speaker 2: 21:19

Yeah, yeah, it's not just the dui that happened, it's all of the things that happen, all of the things that come with it and the way that it impacts your every single day life with your daughter, with yourself, with your family, with your friends. And I'm getting past that. I can do this. I can handle this. I can do this, like you said, your ego. Get past that, because there's a lot of people out there that can help.

Speaker 2: 21:45

And just hearing, you know, like we said, hearing people's stories that is so powerful because, yes, while everybody's different, everybody also has the power to change. Right, yeah, the choices right. Everybody has the power to wake up every day, make a new choice and make those changes. You just have to figure out what works for you and be willing to find what works for you. Dig in a little bit and make those changes for yourself and love yourself. Love yourself enough to know that you are worth it. You know you are you know Jamie Kern Lima right now right, you are worthy and you are worth it to make those changes right.

Speaker 2: 22:27

And getting a sponsor is definitely a game changer because you're working those steps with someone and you feel not alone for sure. You know it takes that I'm all alone, out right away and you have that connection and somebody showing you how to work those steps like really, really work them and really get that inner work. They're not just steps, they are true inner work, growth, mindset, all of that. Making amends it's including making amends to yourself, right, not just all the people that you hurt along the way of your addiction, but it also includes making amends to yourself, and that's where that self-love comes in and that is just so, so, so important. And tell me, you've got some things going on with your family right now in addiction. Tell me a little bit about that. Yes, so you?

Speaker 3: 23:17

know my dear, like family member, like he's really struggling and you know it's sad because you see this person and you know that you know they do everything right, like one thing with my family too, and like and this is n and one, you have the goodness in your heart, right. That goodness is there, we are love, right. It's just like, sometimes, the well, the things that happen to us, that sowniness that comes in, that anger, guilt, she, it takes over. And you know, looking at this person, my brother, and just share, like, looking at this, the whole patterns, it's like you are an addicted, you're addicted, right, and but then when you look at it, it's like a, the men sharing that, you know, their ego protecting lies that like no, I don't have an addiction problem, I can control it, I'm good because it acts shame right. And it's not even just men, it's women too, good at all that as well.

Speaker 3: 24:13

But you know there's also people around that know that there's addiction but are not fully self-aware. So they're even close to you like, oh, you should, you should just drink less. Like you know, like, just come on, control your drink. Why you can't control it, like be what I mean? Yeah, um, yeah.

Speaker 3: 24:29

And then there's people that like, have their own problems but then when you try to make that change is they laugh at you. But really it's like that inner stuff that they laugh at themselves because they can't do it themselves right, they're embarrassed, they have that sheet. You don't know how to stop themselves. So anywho, you know it's sad because you see someone that you love dearly but he supports you and your sobriety and how far you've come, but it's killing his life slowly. Because you know, a lot of times too, we don't think that when we drink that we're gonna die. Oh right, yeah, we don't think that, we don't. We don't think. Even my friend that night that she went and decided to go down that path, she didn't think she was gonna die, she thought she was gonna wake, go to her kids, it was going to pass by and that's it. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 25:21

Yeah, and she died, yeah Right. That is one thing we never know A hundred percent and I never know I hear that more with alcoholism that people like it so it's not like a drug overdose or a drug addiction to them. So they feel like they're not going to die with alcohol and you overdose. So they feel like they're not going to die with alcohol and you can't overdose. You can't have dollars and it can cause many things to fail in your body and even at a young age and I think people don't I won't say people sometimes, especially younger people, don't take that so serious.

Speaker 3: 25:56

No, no, 100%. And at the end of the day, too, like I'm looking around, walking too. I, like you know, with marijuana, like I smoked weed before in the past, I had to do it to clean gives me energy, whatever stuff like that. And whatever people's eyes smoke, spit right, it's like a whole freaking lot. I just quit too. So I'm like eight months out, almost nine months smoke free. Good for you. But looking, thank you.

Speaker 3: 26:16

Looking, though and I'm not doing this in a judgmental way or anything like that or even vaping or stuff, even coffee, just the thing.

Speaker 3: 26:23

Coffee or sweets, yeah, it's like turning to that addiction, because you're using it as comfort, and I watched this motivation video and this guy was talking and he goes even when you wake up in the morning and you're just thinking about that, you need that coffee to give you that energy, that energy, everything that you want, that love is all from inside, and that's what it is Like you were saying, it's that self-love, like my friend a good friend of mine told me before she's like you want to find your husband, you want to find this, and that she's like you're not going to find a happy relationship until you start loving yourself, right, you're not going to find a happy relationship until you start loving yourself right 100 percent and a lot yeah, and a lot of times too, like my parents would say well, maybe your brother could find someone and they'll be happy, and you know it is.

Speaker 3: 27:06

I'm like no, it starts from within, because it pays when it finds someone. Or even me, like in the path of maternity, have attracting all kinds of men of course, of course, man.

Speaker 2: 27:17

You know what? Yeah?

Speaker 3: 27:19

so it really is that inner in, that inner healing, that inner work, finding yourself. Like you know what I need I'm not to be an alcoholic to do this like you know what I need, it's like for everyone I guess, yes, yes, and.

Speaker 2: 27:31

And that inner work can be very difficult. So we're not trying to make it sound like it's easy, because it's not always easy, right, that inner work can be really hard, and I think that people do sometimes just stay in their addictions to avoid that inner work, because people have been through some horrific events in their life, right, and going back to that it's difficult. So we're not trying to put like a happy bubble over this and say, oh, all you got to do is work on yourself. Yeah, you do need to work on yourself, and we're not trying to say that it's simple or easy, but it is really necessary. Right, it is.

Speaker 3: 28:08

Yeah, yeah, it's that one step at a time, and this is why, to myself now too, is like I say, like, what can I do right now, not tomorrow or next year or whatever, like in the present moment, what can I do now? A lot of times, too, I thought I was broken, I thought I was this, I thought I was whatever, like even listening to family's story that you'll never have nothing in your is, and that that's their fear, that's their projection of themselves. Right, yes, and when people see that you have something within you, we try to keep you in that same level. Right, it's here, yes, but and it's sometimes not intentionally, in a bad way, I would say too. But what I'm trying to say, too, is oh, I was mentioning about that, but what I try to do, it always happens with me, but I'm always like in the good steel and like, oh wait, what did I say? But, but it's really being honest with yourself.

Speaker 3: 29:03

You're not broken, right? No, you have these things that happen, but in order to get to that next level of your life, that hiring version still of them, you always say you need to work through those things. And, yes, they can be hard. Yes, it could bring up memories. Yes, it could do whatever, but do it at own pace. There's things that you can and you cannot control, right, because someone in the neighborhood.

Speaker 2: 29:26

That's the story. And also you really hit something there too, because we walk around and we're like we're broken, we're this, we're that. That is the first thing you have to change. You have to change the negative self-talk You're not broken. You have been through some things. That doesn't mean you're resilient. Let's change, reframe it right I'm not broken, I'm freaking resilient and changing the way that you talk about yourself and when you're out there telling people you're broken and you're vulnerable and you're this and you're that.

Speaker 3: 29:57

What do you think you're attracting? To fall into power, not conscious, like your mindset is so right. How right, jim carrey? Yeah, see, he was talking about, like you know, the millionaire. This had his check and all that stuff. He still went on his merry way and he was doing good and giving back and all that and making people laugh, worried about his mom, and you know, and look at him, yeah, that eastgiving the exact amount of check that he said he was going to have, 10 million or whatever it was, and people would say, oh crazy, he had it. Do you have to believe in yourself? You have to believe there's something. Even if it's a little ounce of belief, then it's for what's more.

Speaker 2: 30:39

You know, I've been told over the years and I laugh about it still today that I'm a little woo-woo. You know the manifesting and all of those things, but really, truly, what that means deep down is you are believing in yourself. Yeah, I call it manifesting all day long, but it is really a true belief in yourself that you can do whatever comes your way. Do the hard things, take the messy action, do the things, Just do them. And you said something about you know being broken.

Speaker 2: 31:04

I used to walk around and people would say, well, you know what happened, what happened with your marriage, what happened with this? And I would laugh and I'd say, you know, my picker's just broken girl. That's not true. My picker wasn't broken. I was going about it in a broken fashion. I wasn't working on me and changing what was wrong with me and my mindset. So it's real easy to get into that little oh, my picker's broken. Or they did this or they did that. You know, okay, maybe they did, but why did you allow yourself to go down that road? So that inner work right of figuring out, why are you allowing the things that you're allowing to happen?

Speaker 2: 31:39

Now, I'm not talking about childhood trauma and things like that. We didn't allow those things. That's something completely different. There's things that are out of our control, so please don't confuse what I'm saying with we allowed that to happen. You know what I mean. But, as now in our adult life, we have to take responsibility for ourselves. We can't keep saying this happened to me and that happened to me. Yes, it did, it absolutely did, but we have to take control of ourselves. Right, and it does really is woo, woo or whatever as it sounds. It does start with self-love and learning how to love yourself.

Speaker 3: 32:16

Yeah, and you know what it's funny that you say, because I was used to see that too. Like you know, like, oh, I found woo, woo, it's not woo, it is the facts, the things that I even doubt. Like I always did the whole mindset thing and like you know, the whole faith and the belief, and people around me would be like, oh, you're just so, like whatever, like where's your results? And it's like, and then I started questioning myself, I started to doubt myself and you know, it was really their projections of their inner self right, because they didn't have that belief in themselves, but like it was affecting my day-to-day. And you know, now it's different, because I say I didn't believe in myself. I am confident, you know, I am worthy, I love myself. I'm not where I want to be right now and I'm still working towards that path, but I am where I am, much better than where I was before. And it doesn't matter if the outside part, yet it matters in here. When we're going here, then you bring out the outer.

Speaker 2: 33:11

Yes, you can control your people, places and things for sure. You can control who you're letting in your area and your mind. You know you can control those things. So sometimes changing your playground is necessary, even later. I don't mean it's always necessary to change your playground, but I mean even later, as we're doing our growth and our self-work and it's like, yeah, that's not working for me. Sometimes it's sad and it's hard, but you have to stay on track, right? You have to stay on track and keep doing that work and some people come with you and some people don't, right, and that's okay. That truly is okay. All of the little analogies, one day at a time, progress, not perfection. That is all accurate. That is all accurate. And people call them cliches. You can say however you want, but they are accurate, accurate analogies. You don't have to stay sober for the rest of your life. You need to concentrate on staying sober for today. Right, that's so funny?

Speaker 3: 34:09

Yep, that's so funny. You say that because I remember the first like I did a meeting like a long, long time ago, just one meeting with my brother to gain support. But when I started going the first time, I also put I to my ear. I remember when I started I told him my good friend and I'm like you know what am I gonna do? Like we don't want to get married. I want to have this big wedding.

Speaker 3: 34:30

I would be very trendy, I don't know, I'll have a drink or something whatever. You know what I mean. Like, yeah, like you're thinking these things and you're and my friend looked at and she goes first of all, you're single. Second of all, you're not getting married anytime soon, right? She's like third of all, think about today, don't think about the next year, the next one, and that's what it is. Taking that one day out of time, that one foot in front of the other and just focusing, because now I can tell you, with everything that I've been through and seeing my friend and how the world is going, like the world is a beautiful place and people sometimes need that direction. You know what I mean.

Speaker 3: 35:05

But like, it's like I do not want to test that drink ever again. I have fun without it. I deal with things and situations differently without it, I don't need it. And alcohol it's just the stem part of one part of addiction. Then it leads to cocaine narrowing pills. Right, at least, like you could put in quickly. Here they are selling nicotine and alcohol openly whatever, like you know what I need and there you go. It's your self-free, will do what you want. But look how everything's rising like a pandemic, right?

Speaker 2: 35:37

yeah, it's definitely an epidemic. That's the word. Yeah, definitely, definitely is. And now we're into a whole nother game-changing epidemic.

Speaker 2: 35:48

Horrible event of fentanyl, right, look how it goes over the years, how things progress. That is parasitical, yes, and it's truly, oh my gosh, gosh, why we want to do this to ourselves. I, for the life of me, can't figure it out. I just cannot figure out how, how this has happened as a nation, as a society, as people, that we want to keep doing these things to ourselves. And that is a highest level risk of all of the overdosing.

Speaker 2: 36:23

You know that's happened for me in my lifetime anyways, how quickly that can happen. You've been doing the same thing. You've been doing over and over and over and over and you got. You know there's always been bad batches. That's always been a thing to get a bad batch. It was fewer and far between compared to what this epidemic is. Right. This is like instant. This is instant.

Speaker 2: 36:46

And it's just so sad to me that we just don't love ourselves as a society and as money really really as important as our lives are, is really really sad to me. It's very sad. It's a very slippery slope and you know it all stems around greed. Let's just be real and that that is what is sad to me, that that money is just more important and more worthy than human life, and that, like when you really sit down and think about that and you say that it's beyond sad, it's like that feels so I don't know, I don't even know how to explain that. I won't even go off into my tangent because I could go on that for hours. I know I is, but it's sad. But let's be real. Like medicare has gone over the top, right? We the pharmaceutical company.

Speaker 3: 37:38

There's a whole other level. Like even my mom, I'll quickly say to you she got diagnosed with cancer and you know she's doing very well now. But I started watching these videos Truth About Cancer and they were talking about the whole pharmaceutical company. They were talking about how first it was like the whole health, like more naturalistic I would say. But they didn't have as much money as you know the pharmaceutical. But people were going more into this health route. They were losing money.

Speaker 2: 38:04

Yeah, lots of side effects, for sure. And then people thinking that it's a well, it's legal, so I'm not doing anything wrong, so it's not hurting me because a doctor prescribed it to me, so it's surely not hurting me. They know what they're doing, they're trained, they have years of experience. They wouldn't do this to hurt me, right? Well, are they doing it to hurt you Theoretically? No, they're not. They're doing what they're told, that their job is Right. I think that is part of the missing link that I don't know that we're ever going to be able to change, right, because it all stems around money. But figuring out a new way to do things is definitely a necessity. So hopefully that happens sooner rather than later, right? So you know, the premise of my show is going from rock bottom to rock solid, and rock bottom is different for everybody. What you? What do you find for you, ashley? That changed you? What do you feel like your rock bottom was?

Speaker 3: 39:07

so I had many rock bottoms, to the point like I shouldn't been dead and I don't even know how I got to where I am, because god was really watching over me. Like there was situations like seriously I into, like even before and after my daughter was born, I think my rock bottom goal, like my final rock bottom, it was my friend's death. Like I said to myself, I can't blame God, for like reasons I said that I don't want to die and I need my daughter behind, like you know what I mean, like she needs me. I'm a single mom, you know, and she has me right. Like you know, I'm her, her one person, and of my children, the whole family. But I'm her mom and I was like I don't want to waste my life.

Speaker 3: 39:54

There's people dying every day and I don't want to waste my life because I enjoy it. God put me on here for a purpose. There's a reason why I'm here and my friend that passed, she always. I remember one time and so clearly I remember, and we were talking and she's like you know, the grass isn't always greener on the other side and I was like, yes, it is. That was like, yes, it is right, and you know what I mean. So that always and I I remember that I shared that in a chapter book too like the grass and the needle or the sign, I'm like, yes, it's always greener on the others, like it's not always, but like you can find it like and you know the others, so I say it's greener where you water it.

Speaker 2: 40:33

So, yeah, whatever is true, whatever side you're watering is the sign that's going to get the results right. And everybody has those two sides. You know what I mean? We can all wake up and decide to just not do anything today and go out and do whatever. What side do we want to water? What is more important to us in our life? And you just hit it. Your life was more important, your daughter was more important, and everybody has to have something that's important to them and to realize that your own life is important.

Speaker 3: 41:03

Yeah, so like there's so many times people you know, mistakenly, or they think that like, oh, it's not going to happen to me, and then you see, oh, they die. They die now. It's like you know, even when I was drinking so much I wasn't thinking about death, but I was still drinking all the time, right, right. So, like that devil, he comes around and he tries to like pull you in, kind of like that negative, positive, right, that's that yep, that is absolutely true and we want to stay on the positive right.

Speaker 2: 41:33

We want to keep it okay. Yeah, keep the positive attractions flowing so we're not bringing that negativity in. And again, positive self-talk is a game changer the I am, yeah, I am, I am strong, I am resilient, not I am broken. Let's get that out of our vocabulary. And definitely I am strong. Look what I've been through. I'm freaking resilient, right, I'm a badass, I'm a warrior. All of those things need to be the positive self-talk.

Speaker 2: 42:00

Well, I appreciate you so much doing this with me today, ashley. It's been wonderful. And you know, just to chat sometimes we all have stories, right, we all have them. Everybody's rock bottom's different. But just to be able to chat with different people and what they've been through and what's helped them, things they've tried, what has worked, I think is just so important. I think it's really important and you never know when someone's going to hear that one little thing that sticks. And maybe it's today, maybe someone heard something today that stuck with them and maybe they're going to try another AA meeting or, hey, maybe they're going to go the route of getting a sponsor. It's worked for Ashley, it's worked for many people she knows. So I really appreciate you sharing today.

Speaker 3: 42:41

Thank you, I appreciate you having me on here to be able to share, because you're right, absolutely All it takes sometimes is just that one word, that one clip, and you're doing an amazing, amazing thing with your podcast and thank you so much for having me on. Thanks so much Ashley it to help others find hope and encouragement.

Speaker 1: 43:00

The opposite of addiction is connection, and we are all in this together. Telling your transformational story can also be an incredible form of healing, so if you would like to share it, I would love to hear it. You can also follow me on social media. I'm your host, jo Summers, and I can't wait to bring you another story next week. Stay with me for more Transformational Thursdays.