Overcoming Addiction, Mental Health Struggles, and Finding Purpose with Bryan Journeay

On today’s episode of Breakfast of Choices, I have Bryan Journeay on the show to share his inspiring story of overcoming mental health issues and addiction. He openly shares his story with us to help others. Bryan grew up facing childhood trauma as his parents divorced at a young age. He was then introduced to drugs and alcohol by his sister's boyfriend, who engaged in dangerous stunts like huffing gasoline and spray paint that Bryan and his siblings felt pressured to participate in. This early exposure led Bryan to develop social anxiety and he coped through substance abuse in his teens.

Despite aspirations to join the Marines since childhood, Bryan struggled in school due to his social anxiety and dropped out of high school. He later tested positive for drugs during a deployment, feeling like a failure when discharged from the Marines. Bryan then faced agoraphobia, addiction, and jail time before seeking counseling, though he struggled to access mental health resources and questioned diagnoses of bipolar disorder and ADHD. Intrusive thoughts led Brian to contemplate suicide before medication and stoic philosophy helped stabilize his mental health.

Through facing fears with exposure therapy and skydiving, Bryan overcame OCD and turned his pain into purpose by creating a positive mindset clothing brand. When I discovered his brand at a farmers market, it shifted my mindset and day for the better. Bryan's vulnerability in sharing his story can help others struggling with addiction or mental health issues to find hope and positivity. His journey shows that through resilience, accountability, and turning pain into purpose, we can overcome even our darkest challenges.
 
Connect with Bryan:

Website: www.positivemindsetbrand.com 

 IG @positivemindsetbrand

From Rock Bottom to Rock Solid.

We all have them...every single day, we wake up, we have the chance to make new choices.

We have the power to make our own daily, "Breakfast of Choices"

Resources and ways to connect:

Facebook: Jo Summers
Instagram: @Summersjol
Facebook Support: Chance For Change Women’s circle

National suicide prevention and crisis, hotline number 988

National domestic violence hotline:
800–799–7233

National hotline for substance abuse, and addiction:
844–289–0879

National mental health hotline:
866–903–3787

National child health and child abuse hotline:
800–422–4454

CoDa.org
12. Step recovery program for codependency.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:07

Welcome to Breakfast of Choices, the weekly podcast that shares life stories of transformation. Each episode holds space for people to tell their true, raw and unedited story of overcoming intense adversity from addiction and incarceration, mental illness, physical and emotional abuse, domestic violence, toxic families, codependency and more. Trauma comes in so many forms. I'm your host, Jo Summers, and also someone who hit my lowest point before realizing that I could wake up every day and make a better choice, even if it was a small one. So let's dive into this week's story together to learn from and find hope through someone's journey from rock bottom to rock solid, Because I really do believe you have a new chance every day to wake up and make a change, to create your own. Breakfast of Choices.

Speaker 2: 1:10

Good morning, Welcome to Breakfast of Choices life stories of transformation from rock bottom to rock solid. I'm your host, jo Summers, and my guest with me today is Brian Jornet. You know, you never know where you're going to meet someone that just stands out to you and you strike up a conversation and, next thing you know, brian's becoming a guest on the podcast. We actually met at the farmer's market and he was selling something that caught my eye and we will share all about his brand a little bit later. But Brian is going to get really raw and vulnerable and share his story and his journey through an abusive childhood to drinking and drugs at an early age, at the hands, really, of someone older that he trusted and looked up to Social anxiety, what led to his discharge from the Marines, some serious mental health issues and extreme challenges that he went through.

Speaker 2: 2:15

Brian really has been on a healing journey of his own. He has discovered Stoic philosophy and learned how to shift his mindset, just basically one day at a time, and beginning his own healing journey and the building of his positive mindset brand. Brian truly has a story of turning his pain into purpose and if there's anyone out there that is struggling or knows someone who is, you just need a little bit of hope and you just need to keep that hope and Brian's story. He never lost hope, even though he went through some extreme difficulties. He really never lost hope and I just encourage you to listen to Brian's story today and I am truly honored to have him here as a guest.

Speaker 2: 3:11

I am here with my guest this morning, brian Jornet, super excited to have him. I've given you a brief intro of how we met and a little bit about Brian, but I am excited that he was gracious enough to meet me at the farmer's market for 10 minutes and still decide to come on and share his story today, and we'll tell you a little bit about what he's doing later and why we met and how and how excited I was to buy one of his t-shirts. So good morning Brian.

Speaker 3: 3:37

Hey, good morning Jo.

Speaker 2: 3:39

Thanks for coming on today.

Speaker 3: 3:41

Absolutely. Thank you for the invite. It's a pleasure to be here.

Speaker 2: 3:43

Thank you, I appreciate that so much and you know, for you to agree to do something like this with me after meeting me for five minutes really means a lot to me too, because these stories of hope and inspiration, I really feel help people and anyone that's struggling in their journeys and it's vulnerable to do something like this. So again, I do appreciate you so much.

Speaker 3: 4:06

Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 4:08

I know you're going to tell us a little bit about your story today and your upbringing and kind of how it all started and how you got where you are, so I'm just going to let you go ahead and start that.

Speaker 3: 4:18

Okay, well, like every good story, it always starts off with kind of a difficult time about it, so I guess that's where it all started. So I've got two brothers I have an older brother, one younger brother and I have two older sisters. My parents divorced at a very young age. I would say I was probably first or second grade somewhere around that time when they divorced and at that time my oldest sister I don't know how old she was at that time, but she had gotten a boyfriend, uh, who was early 20s. He was a drinking age and he was a very, very bad influence on us.

Speaker 3: 4:58

However, at that time, we idolized this man. You know my father had set up and we were visiting him. We would have visits uh this have supervised visitation with him every other weekend. So when my sister's boyfriend moved in to my mother's house, she became the manning figure of the house and we admired this guy. We really looked up to him and he taught us some very bad things. We were introduced to me and my brothers were introduced to drugs and alcohol at a very young age. Introduced to. Well, me and my brothers were introduced to drugs and alcohol at a very young age. He even had us huffing gasoline and paint, spray paint at a very young age Doing very, very ridiculous, stupid, dangerous stunts.

Speaker 3: 5:36

For example, we lived out in the country and there was a pond about two-fourths of a mile and we'd go and fish and play at this pond and he came up with this stunt in the time to take us all out there with one of those metal folding chairs and some rope and he walked us out to the middle part of the lake where we could kind of stand, but it wasn't too far, you know, you could take a couple steps and draw off to the deep end.

Speaker 3: 5:59

And me, my older brother, my little brother, didn't want to participate. He stayed on the shore. So all three of us walk out to that, to that little Island, and he proceeded to tie one of us to the chair with the rope and then walk us out to the deep end, dropped us into the water and we had to tie ourselves, you know, oh man, and yeah, yeah, it was absolutely terrifying. It was, it was my turn to go, and I remember thinking that that was it, you know, and I was, I was absolutely terrified, but I I had admired this man so much that surely he wouldn't let anything bad happen to me and I didn't want to be the one that that set known that she could.

Speaker 2: 6:37

You know and and have to deal with the repercussions of being that you can, could no, no, I get it and that that's so true when you are young and you're impressionable and you're vulnerable and you want to appear like, hey, I want to be cool and I don't want to be. You know, I don't want to be the chicken and you know, older people know that. So that's what's kind of called taking advantage of somebody, isn't it? Yeah, absolutely, and that's a scary place to be and I and I think I won't say we've all been there, but most of us have been there, and that's real stuff. Like you do things you know you shouldn't be doing and you don't even necessarily want to do, but you feel like they're the older person and you need to do it right. So, thanks, I'm glad you shared that, thank you yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3: 7:24

And as far as the drinking and the alcohol, you know, I think we knew at a young age that it was wrong for us to be doing that. But we had permission from an adult who we looked up to. You know he was giving us this stuff and telling us to do it. So, even though it did to our core we shouldn't be doing these things, but yeah, it was. We're like it's okay, you know this kind of everybody's letting me do it, it's cool, right? Yeah, so obviously there were some serious repercussions from that.

Speaker 3: 7:50

I I developed a very bad social anxiety as we got older, you know when in high school, and I've always dealt with really bad social anxiety and at the time I didn't realize what I was doing. But now it's super obvious to me that I began drinking to self-medicate my social anxiety. Yeah, I was always the first one drunk at the party, last one to fall asleep. I did not understand moderation at all. Once I started it was get on, I get that. I had to have the game, whatever I drank. I was that courageous, that leap of courage. I was able to talk to people and, uh, start with the pretty girls and I think the fighting, I would have a drink and fight. I wouldn't fight because I was angry. I fought because I liked the adrenaline rush from it and I also got attention from that and I think that had it turned into me.

Speaker 3: 8:45

Well, why I did it so often? I believe I developed this persona of myself and people expected me to do those things. You know, brian was the wild trump fighter guy. You know I was. Anytime that I hang out with him I felt like that was the expectations that I had to live up to and I I would. I'm going to start fights with people for no reason at all, like I said, not out of anger. I did it for an unrushed and I think that I like the attention that I got from it and I have a lot of regrets. You know I did a lot of bad things to good people and I live with that, but you know I forgive myself.

Speaker 2: 9:29

I was struggling, didn't know what I was dealing with, and that's how I coped with it, and you and you figured out a way to cope with it. You mask. You know what I mean. You used drugs and you used alcohol to mask your feelings and, like you said, you probably weren't necessarily angry, but you needed to get those things out somehow, and that was the outlet that you found. So give yourself some grace on that, and I believe that others would too. It's just where you were at at the time and what you were dealing with, and it happens.

Speaker 3: 9:54

Thank you, I appreciate that. So yeah, in high school I ended up dropping out my junior year and I went and talked to a Marine Corps recruiter. My grandfather was a Marine. He'd always tell us his story. He told us I don't know if it was factual, but he told us that he got to Bart Barrow in Monroe. So I'm going to hear that story. Yeah, he said he'd be standing outside of the doors. He walked past the hallway and kind of winked at him. I don't know if there's any truth to that, but it was a good story.

Speaker 3: 10:22

It's a great story, Right right, I still tell people that story. It's awesome.

Speaker 2: 10:27

I love that.

Speaker 3: 10:28

So that was my biggest aspiration. I remember since third grade. That's what I wanted to become was a Marine. That was my highest aspiration to be a United States Marine. I dropped out my junior year, I think mostly due to my social anxiety. I didn't perform well in school.

Speaker 3: 10:45

I hated being in huge in places with big crowds, so I dropped out. I got a job. When I talked to a Marine Corps recruiter he said it would be much easier if I got a high school diploma. So I went to an alternative education and finished my junior and senior year all in one year Real and listed into the Marine Corps, which was much easier. The alternative ed was a very small group of us I think there was maybe 12 of us so I had more one-on-one instructions from the teacher Literally and I feel like I excelled in one program. It worked out much better for me than most Interesting Good. So I listed into the Marine Corps and I think three months after high school graduation is when I went to boot camp. In that three months time I was working at Walmart and I think two weeks after I enlisted I quit and I spent that three months drinking and partying with my friends. It was very bad. I'm almost certain that I went through a detox while I was in boot camp because of the amount of alcohol that I drank leading up to it. Yeah, so I graduate boot camp. I come home feeling 10 feet tall and bulletproof, you know, feeling like I changed and uh, I drank almost every day that I was home one leave hanging out with my buddies Went back, finished school of infantry and I made a very poor decision to go to a rave in California and I took ecstasy for the first time and I got attached to my unit and we began our work up to Afghanistan.

Speaker 3: 12:17

I was supposed to go to Helmand Province, afghanistan, for my first combat deployment. We had three months before our deployment and we'd just gotten back from a three-week train up in the Mojave Desert called Enhanced Mojave Inviter and they gave us a three-day weekend. So on my three-day weekend several of us went out to this big rave and we all took ecstasy. And when we got back from the rave or when we got back from our leave, they drug tested the entire battalion and I would say around 16 of us all tested positive. Yes, with all discharge. Wow, it was terrible.

Speaker 3: 12:52

I went from feeling to be tall and will appear to feel like a complete failure. Yeah, like I said, that was, my highest aspiration was to become a Marine and I just kissed it all away for one night of fun. Marine, and I just kissed it all the way for one for one night of fun. And in that time I developed some agoraphobia, uh, because it took me six months to process out of the recourt. Uh, I would have to go down to the command post and they would tell us about our the casualties and engagements that had happened, you know. Uh. So I lived, I dealt with a lot of guilt and just my anxiety was really high and I was still smoking and drinking with my buddies and I was ready to go home, but I also was dealing with agoraphobia. I didn't want to go home at the time. It might have saved your life Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 13:49

And so sometimes there's a positive in that, even though it didn't seem like one, and it may not still seem like one, I don't know but you're still here and maybe you wouldn't have been otherwise.

Speaker 3: 14:00

Right, no, thank you for that. I've developed that mindset At the time. No, no, absolutely not. I was completely devastated, but now you know I've got it, I'm gonna sit in your letter, I've got a good life. I may not be here now. How do I actually deploy it? So, even though the circumstances kind of sucked, sure not very proud of it, but yeah, it means, like you said, it asked the positive from it yeah for sure yeah, I'm glad you're still here.

Speaker 3: 14:23

Thank you, I appreciate that. So that was the first time that I'd gone through it. I was very depressed whenever I got out. Whenever I did come back home, I continued to drink and I ended up getting a DUI and was put on a deferred three-year. While I was on that probation, I got one to a bar maybe a year after, after the dui and I got into a fight at the bar and uh was charged with aggravated assault, battery and violation of probation, to which they charged me one year in county jail which which absolutely sucked.

Speaker 3: 14:57

That was another big blow. But three weeks into county jail I became trustee and that lowered my sentence from a 12-month sentence to a six-month sentence and I'm really glad that that actually happened. Like you said, with the fine and positive at the time it was definitely negative but reflecting back on that there's no telling how much more arm I moved into myself or others had I continued on that path that I was on. At 60 months that I was in jail I had so much time to reflect and think I just started journaling and just really reflecting and whenever I came up with the blame whenever I got into jail that I was going to move away from that town. Not necessarily I'm not putting the blame on those people, but you know how it is when you get around old crowd, your old friends, it's easy to fall back into those.

Speaker 2: 15:44

You got to change your people, places and things, and that's a big thing in recovery and sometimes we're not strong enough to do that without changing our people, places and things right. Most people aren't. So you have to make that change and save yourself.

Speaker 3: 15:59

Right. So that's absolutely what I did, remember. I got out, I moved in with my old friend and her parents at the time. I ended up getting an apartment in Oklahoma City and got a job in the oil field working on drilling rigs Relationship with her. We ended up not working out and I ended up in the oil field for about five years working on drilling rigs. Eventually I ended up meeting what is now my ex-wife. She was amazing. I fell head over heels for that woman. She already had a daughter she was two and a half whenever I met her and her biological father was in and out of prison. He was an heroin addict. So I stepped up to the plate. She called me dad and I called her daughter. So I still, to this day, I call her my first mother. I don't miss her much anymore. But when you have having a child of her own, things were going really well.

Speaker 3: 16:53

I was uh, I was excelling at my job at a semi-trailer repair shop. I had become at a shop foreman. That's why I was making decent money. My wife was staying home taking care of the kids.

Speaker 3: 17:03

I was working long hours and medical marijuana had just become legalized in the state of Oklahoma. So, like many others, I jumped on that bandwagon and I always knew that marijuana was not good for me. It always made me anxious. So even while my friends were doing it, I didn't really participate in it. The only time I ever did it was whenever I I would drink and then it would make me sick. So that just reaffirmed to me like, okay, meat is not good for me. But when it came out medicinally, for some reason, I was. I thought that maybe things change, I matured, whatever, and that I was in control. I understood moderation at this age, so I started smoking and it did for. For about a year I was able to smoke and it seemed to help with the stresses from the job and help me fall asleep at night. And you know I have bouts of anxiety and small panic attacks here and there, but it was. I always thought that I was in control.

Speaker 3: 17:57

One night I had a very, very bad panic attack and outer body experience. I was hearing voices telling me that I was worthless and that I was going to hurt my family. And I couldn't hurt my family and, uh, it was a bad, as I unlike any other, so I had no wife at the time. Oh, my brother. He came over to kind of comfort me and he sat with me and, uh, we would put on some calming music. I took cold shower.

Speaker 3: 18:25

I tried several things to try and come down off of it, but anybody that's ever smoked weed knows that once you're going through it you're there for the ride. Just sit out and it'll still go away eventually. So I slept it off. I woke up and I felt pretty good. I went over to a friend's house to help them move around some furniture. Obviously, I just went off of weed after that. I was never, never touching this stuff ever again. But while at my friend's house it just hit me out of nowhere and just that, all of a sudden feeling of being uncomfortable in your own skin and anxiety, just judgment. I felt like everybody was judging me.

Speaker 3: 19:02

Those voices came back and those thoughts of hurting my family. You know, you hear those stories of uh on the news of someone that just completely snaps and murders their family and for some reason I don't know if that's I would have those thoughts and those visions of redoing that and I thought it's like, well, this is, this is what happens to those people, this is what causes them to do that. And I was making that connection and it's true, and I was absolutely terrified. Imagine being afraid to hold your own daughter, like I love my daughter. You know I would never hurt her, but I would. I was afraid to hold her because I thought that whenever I, whenever I hold her, it's like a trigger I would have those thoughts. So I didn't know.

Speaker 3: 19:43

Yeah, that's all yeah, yeah, yeah, it sucked it was. It was bad. I ended up I I'm a, you know I was bringing a second amendment or second amendment, so I had lots of guns. Uh, and getting rid of all my guns I gave them my dad because I would wake up in the middle of my having panic attacks just because my guns were next to my bed and I was afraid that I would use them not not just on myself or my family, and it was talking to you right now. I know people in this probably think that that's absolutely crazy.

Speaker 2: 20:10

I feel crazy just saying it, but I think this is real, brian, and I think sharing this is more important than you can even imagine right now.

Speaker 3: 20:19

Right. So, and I knew, obviously I knew that something was bad this whole time. But whenever I came to the point where I felt like I had to get rid of my guns for the protection of myself and my family, I knew that I was at the bottom. I knew something was terribly wrong. And this was at the start of the pandemic as well. It just happened.

Speaker 3: 20:36

So mental health was not easily accessible, yeah, and your eyes were open. Yeah, yeah, it was rough and I'm still working. You know, I'm still going to work. I would just, I would completely break down at work. I would be trying here I am at rowan man's, you know, uh, marine, big bad marine, you know, trying at work over and I couldn't identify. I had no idea what's going on, uh, and I'm so I go down these rabbit holes on google try to figure out what's going on.

Speaker 3: 21:02

Panic, uh, panic attacks and, uh, I was having very bad digestive issues, but it was all bad. That developed some sinus allergy problems. Ultimately, I was able to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist, a virtual appointment, but it took me three months just to get in and see her. So while I was waiting for that, I actually scheduled an appointment with a primary care physician, which took two weeks to get into to see, you know, and I go see him and right off the bat he diagnoses me as ADHD and bipolar and has me some sample drugs that they had right there in the office and that was, you know, medical marijuana led me to the condition that I'm in. So taking medication, especially mind altering medication, was the last thing that I wanted to do, especially. And then being diagnosed with a lifelong mental illness that I'd never dealt with in the past.

Speaker 2: 21:55

Had you ever been in any kind of counseling before in your entire childhood, or anything?

Speaker 3: 22:00

Yeah, we'd taken counseling in my childhood, not due to conditions of my self-interest. My father was abusive. That's what led to their divorce and we took counseling for that to help cope with the abuse that we went through. But no, and I had never been. I never talked to a therapist in that regard.

Speaker 3: 22:19

as to my own mental health, so I never made that a justified goal or anything like that. The PTSD kind of came as no surprise, you know, due to my childhood. Slamming doors and things of that nature still even to this day make me jolt, slamming door and men uh yelling. When I hear a man yelling same feeling.

Speaker 3: 22:40

I understand that so, yeah, I wasn't happy with that. My wife at the time completely agreed. She's like, yeah, it all makes sense, you're bipolar and you have adhd. That that didn't help it at all, you know. Yeah, that's like you're my wife, you're supposed to support me. But yeah, that was her belief. Done that, three months went by. I finally got into their psychiatrist and talked to her and within 30 minutes she had diagnosed me as bipolar adhd and pts. So that's two bipolar diagnoses within three months of each other. So I was like, oh okay, maybe there's some truth to this.

Speaker 2: 23:13

Did you believe it? Did you think that was the case?

Speaker 3: 23:16

No, no, absolutely not. But after receiving two I was like, maybe so, but I've never dealt with these things until the drug, drug use, you know, until that panic attack. That's when all of this started coming to a head and being a problem. So I I started doing my own research and digging into it and and I learned, uh that about drug psychosis and ocd, uh, obsessive-pupil disorder thoughts, ruminating thoughts, intrusive thoughts, and I kind of diagnosed myself with drug-induced psychosis and OCD.

Speaker 2: 23:55

Do you know what it was? I'm sorry to interrupt. Do you know what it was that got the diagnosis bipolar for you? Did they tell you what you were exhibiting, that they came to that?

Speaker 3: 24:07

There were several things that led up to it, but I think that was so like the best way that I can describe it those intrusive thoughts that I would have. You've been on a roller coaster right.

Speaker 2: 24:19

Yeah.

Speaker 3: 24:19

You know, when you're at the peak of that roller coaster and you're terrified, you're anticipating what's about to happen. You know you're at the top of the roller coaster and you're terrified, you're anticipating what's about to happen. You know you're at the top of the roller coaster right before it drops and you're terrified. I felt like that almost 24-7. I was just on high alert all the time, thinking like, okay, this is the moment that I'm going to snap.

Speaker 2: 24:36

You were in fight or flight constantly, living in fight or flight Constantly.

Speaker 3: 24:40

I would wake up, and even in the middle of the night I'd wake up and my legs would be shaking nonstop.

Speaker 2: 24:44

Yeah, I felt that way in prison, so I completely can understand that fight or flight. You can't sleep because everything going on around you, you just can't shut your mind off, and so you are constantly just waiting for something bad to happen. Yeah, not a great place to be.

Speaker 3: 25:03

I totally understand that and I just felt like doom, like constantly like something bad was going to happen and I wanted nothing more than to quit my job and just sit back and relax. That's really what I needed. I felt my family enough. I God forbid anything that ever happens to me again. They need to admit me, you know, to get professional help, because I should have and I was in a bad way, but I continued to work. I actually received a promotion while dealing with all of this.

Speaker 3: 25:30

So, to answer your question, what led to the bipolar diagnosis from the psychiatrist is my supervisor sits across the hall from me and I told the psychiatrist that whenever my phone rings my work phone rings I have to answer it. I get very uncomfortable because he can hear the conversations and he is a very opinionated man. If you know he'll come in there and let me know that I've done something wrong or said something wrong. So anytime that I pick up the phone, my anxiety gets really bad, like okay, I better talk flat. My boss can hear me. I told her that and she said that that's paranoia and did not agree with that at all. But that was ultimately so obviously everything that I was dealing with and then that right there she said that's your paranoid, I'm going to give you some.

Speaker 3: 26:12

I forget the name of the medication, but it's an antipsychotic medication and basically that was it. She sent me on my way. Another second doctor or psychiatrist gives me antipsychotic medication and tells me to do a lot, basically. So again gives me antipsychotic medication and tells me a lot, basically. So again I was like I'm not taking this stuff. No, weed caused me to go down. It caused all this problem. I'm not taking medication. Line altering medication because that was one of my true thoughts was that I would take this medication and it would finally be the thing to make me snap and hurt my family.

Speaker 3: 26:40

I get that, yeah, so I stayed away from it. Uh, ultimately my wife ended up leaving me. We were having issues. I tried seeking marriage counseling, but I was so screwed up I couldn't figure out my own internal problems, let alone mending a relationship with my wife. Yeah, and she was dealing with a lot with what I was going through. So she threw in the towel, she had had enough and she walked out. And I remember that first morning that I woke up in the house without anyone. I was completely alone no dog, no wife, no kids. I didn't want to be there anymore. So I was heading to Wichita Wildlife Refuge to do some hiding. I've done a lot of healing out there. That place is beautiful. Have you ever been there?

Speaker 2: 27:26

Oh yeah, I love it.

Speaker 3: 27:28

Love it. I do too. So I began my drive and actually before anybody even began the drive, I began this internal dialogue of how I'm not coming back home. So I cleaned the entire house so that whenever people come looking for me they'll find the house clean. I didn't want them to find the house and be like oh, brian's a slob.

Speaker 3: 27:49

I remember thinking that I started my drive down to the Wild Wichita Life Refuge and I tell myself that I got hungry. So I tell myself this is going to be my last meal, it's going to be the last thing that I ever eat. So I choose Waffle House. I still love Waffle House to this day. It's actually my daughter's favorite place to eat. We even have our picture on the wall. So I was in there eating my hash browns and whatever else I had, and I'm crying while I'm eating. I've got tears rolling down my face and I think so cautiously. I was hoping that someone would notice that I was hurting and want to say something. I didn't want to ask for help. If it was that easy I would have done it. I did what I needed.

Speaker 2: 28:29

Essentially, you did ask for help, you went to counseling, you did meet with somebody, so essentially you did what you thought you should be doing. But there's kind of that weird place where someone diagnoses you that doesn't know you never met, you never anything, and that you have a diagnosis within 15 minutes. And that's a weird place to be in your head Because you're like wait a minute, I don't believe that. Where does that come from? Why is that happening? And then they give you medication that you're not even sure that you need or want and you have nobody to talk to about that because not even sure that you need or want, and you have nobody to talk to about that because they've already sent you on your way. So that is a weird place to be for someone that is trying to seek help and healing.

Speaker 3: 29:17

Absolutely yeah, it's completely terrifying.

Speaker 2: 29:19

Yeah, yeah, yeah goodness, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3: 29:25

So honestly, I was hoping that somebody would notice that I was going through a difficult time and I don't blame nobody for not noticing. You know what I mean being in a better state of mind. I don't know if I ever noticed somebody doing that. You know, we're all in our own bubble, all worried about ourselves enjoying our own space. So I I jumped back in the truck and I started driving and it became apparent to me that I was not going to the wichita wildlife refuge. I'm not going to make it. And I started running those two, running two scenarios in my head. I was going to find a hospital. I didn't know where a hospital was at close by, but uh, one of the scenarios I was playing in my head was to stop at a hospital and running through the emergency doors and literally just lay down, pray that someone knew exactly what I needed, because I didn't know, like I said, I didn't know how to ask for help. Like you said, I'd already asked for help and it got me. I felt like I was on a treadmill. I wasn't getting anywhere.

Speaker 3: 30:19

So then my second scenario that I was playing through my head was stopping at a casino off of I-35. I knew exactly where that casino was. I knew exactly how tall it was. My plan was to go to that casino and go to the highest floor and jump headfirst and completely end it In that moment. That was the better option. It was the easier option because I knew where the casino was and I knew that killing myself would end everything. I didn't want to die, which I think confused the psychiatrist because they would always ask if I lost hope and everything. And I'm like no, I'm still old, so like I'm gonna live, I want to be alive. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to have these obtrusive thoughts of hurting my family. Right, I pray myself and more, but at that time taking my whole life would have ended all of that and that was the easier option than asking someone to to help me when what I didn't even know what I needed. Sorry, it didn't work it.

Speaker 2: 31:16

No, that's that's. Uh, that's real, that's yeah, it's definitely real, and I'm sorry that you were going through that, man. That's, that's rough when you're feeling like that is the way to, that's what's going to help.

Speaker 3: 31:28

That's tough yeah, yeah, and it had taken. It had taken over a year to get to that point. You know, I spent over a year trying to, trying to work on it, you know, with those panic attacks and those intrusive thoughts, but uh so and you'd never had those before, you'd never had the panic panic, you'd never had the panic attacks before.

Speaker 3: 31:48

No, not like what I was having. No, like I said, social anxiety yes, and I have anxiety attacks, panic attacks, where I would just feel completely outside of myself and shaking and not be able to control myself, and those crazy intrusive thoughts. I'd never experienced that before, crazy intrusive thoughts. I'd never experienced that before. It was just praising me that, like you know, a year after uh being drug free, uh stimulant free, I quit caffeine, I quit all the healy stimulant, drug free I was still having those episodes and it was just you're so hot to me. Yeah, so I don't know.

Speaker 3: 32:22

Eventually, I don't know what came over me, but while while I was running those scenarios through my head and I'm glad whatever it was that came over me told me to pull over on the side of the highway, I did pull over on the side of the highway and I'm punching and I'm screaming and I'm yelling, because this was the moment. This was like this was this was it. I'd been dealing with this for over a year and I was like this is it, I'm ending it, I'm done with it. And I was like I'm giving, I'm giving this one more shot, man. So I call my brother because it'll last. Good, so anybody can talk me off of this. That is my brother and he didn't answer so I guess I didn't really give up.

Speaker 3: 32:58

So I called my ex-wife and she she's just actually concerned and convincing me. I'm back home, she alerts my family and of course I'm embarrassed. Home, she alerts my family and of course I'm embarrassed, I don't want the attention. So I don't answer their phone calls, which didn't help at all. You know, that made them worry even more, but I couldn't talk to them. Yeah, I get home and talk with her and it's the same. She just talks about how she's miserable with her new roommate and yeah, it was all about her. But it was that moment I was like I will never get this bad again. This is rock freaking bottom and I will never, ever get this bad again. I got this for me or something. So I was like maybe these doctors are right, maybe I am bipolar, maybe I've dealt with it my entire life. Whatever, I'm going to start taking the medication. I started microdosing it and even to this day I don't think that I'm bipolar. I still don't agree with this diagnosis, but that medication definitely could help.

Speaker 2: 33:58

Stabilizer you know, just stabilizer and nothing wrong with that.

Speaker 3: 34:03

For sure, and I remember the first line that I took it. It actually caused another panic attack because, you know, I created this self-belief or this belief that this medication would cause me to snap and hurt my family. So I remember telling uh, telling my friends, hey, I'm gonna, I'm gonna take this. You guys check in on me, you know. Uh, I actually think I made sure that I was free that night. I was home alone, I didn't have any weapons in the house, had a bit I'm glad I did and then I ended up moving out of that house, moving closer to my job.

Speaker 3: 34:32

My brother invited me out to Alaska for a week. So he flew me and my daughter out to Alaska and that was, yeah, it was awesome, it was very much needed. It was the first time in a long time that I was able to lay my guard down, yeah, and he kind of just took care of us. I didn't have to worry about anything, enjoyed the scenery, was with family. It was amazing, it was he was healing.

Speaker 3: 34:56

He gave me a book while I was out there, the gates of fire by stephen presfield. It's about the three headers fardens at thermally, and in that book they reference Stoic philosophy a lot. So whenever I got that poem, I purchased a couple more books about Stoic philosophy and I began reading those and I was just in awe at the power of philosophy in general, but more specifically Stoic philosophy, and how I knew nothing about it. Here I am a 32-year-old man. I've never heard about Stoic philosophy, and how I knew nothing about it. Here I am a 32 year old man. I never heard about stoic philosophy. Why am I just now learning about this? And it's it. It has absolutely changed my life.

Speaker 3: 35:36

I started focusing on on the positive things in life and the things in my direct control, the things that I could control, and began focusing on one positive thing a day and my life, my mindset, began to change and things started looking a lot better and I was like man, this is all it takes, like it sounds so simple, right, but when you're going through it, it's not that easy. So I was like I've got to teach people about this. So I jumped on Instagram and I created an account and I started sharing positive posts every day, which, in turn, helps me even more, because now I'm deliberately trying to find positives to share and I'm focusing all of my energy on positive things, and I started getting good feedback from it. People are commenting on it and then I create some stickers and I shoot them, I ask people to take all the stickers and I start shipping the stickers to them for free. And people are loving them. So it turns into a shirt design and then that pretty much created the Start Other Mindset brand.

Speaker 2: 36:41

I love that. I love that so much. You know you lived your life from a very young age in fight or flight. When you are living in a situation at your home where you're supposed to be comfortable, safe and you're not, and you're going through scary times and scary things as a child, that's how you learn to live. You're in fight or flight constantly and you lived with that your whole entire life. Never regulated that.

Speaker 2: 37:12

I don't know if you know anything about the vagus nerve or breathing or breath work or anything like that, but you got yourself out of a state of fight or flight by going to see your brother in Alaska and being in a safe healing environment. All of a sudden you're somewhere. You said you felt safe, how long it had been since you felt safe All the time. Yeah, yeah. And I don't think people realize how important that is to wherever you have to take yourself away, whether it's the Wichita Mountains or you know, for me it's the lake I go to. You know, for me it's the lake I go to lake hefner and sit on the bench sometimes. Wherever it is for you or to someone to find a spot, you know that they just can go and sit with their thoughts in peace, something about peace. And the older we get, I think we realize how important peace becomes. Yeah, just Just healing.

Speaker 3: 38:04

Absolutely. That's why yeah, it was a long road. You said something about sitting with your thoughts. So those are the OCD intrusive thoughts that was. I knew that meditation is everything I read. You know sitting with your thoughts and meditating is very beneficial for you, but when you have intrusive thoughts like that, your thoughts are because they're telling you that you're capable of doing these bad things right?

Speaker 3: 38:34

what it's exposure? What was it? Uh, exposure response therapy. I began doing that to myself. Uh, that was part of my healing journey. You've seen knives uh, seeing a kitchen knife would be a trigger. I would see that kitchen knife and I would automatically keep looking crazy, but I would automatically see myself stabbing myself in the throat or something with it. I would think that I would just pick it up and start stabbing myself and it was like that's crazy.

Speaker 2: 38:54

So you were in pain and then you needed to handle it and deal with it. Right, I will. That was helpful for you.

Speaker 3: 39:02

So certainly I'd be on the exposure response therapy. I would pick it. Every time that I saw a knife even though it was absolutely terrifying, I didn't want to touch the knife I would pick it up and this probably sounds nice too. I would hold it to my arm to prove to myself that I'm not going to hurt myself with this knife, and ultimately that's what I do with my firearms too. I ended up being one of the macro. My dad I left all the ammo in my magazine at his house and I kept it, scrapped it empty gun and I set it on my knife stand and then I got more comfortable with it being there and exposure exposure to your fears is the only way to to overcome them.

Speaker 3: 39:37

Uh, you have to expose yourself to them, to to get older them and I learned that the hard way but it's 100, that's how I got better was exploiting myself to my biggest fears, proving to myself that I'm not going to do the things that I feared that I can do.

Speaker 2: 39:54

Well, that's, and you've done that basically with yourself and for yourselves.

Speaker 3: 40:00

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 40:01

That's incredible. That's incredible, just facing it head on. Really, yeah, that's wow yeah, I started.

Speaker 3: 40:09

I started skydiving too to kind of curate that on. So I've always had this like I've always wanted to do it. I've always had that, the fear.

Speaker 3: 40:17

I've always told myself that this, this is going to be the thing that chills me you know, because it's something I really want to do, as a dangerous thing, you know, and what's like weird, if I finally do it, it's going to be the thing that kills me. And I always, like would think of the universe as giving me signs, such, for instance, whenever I signed up, whenever I booked my first tandem I booked my first tandem skydive and my ground lesson for my a license on the same day. Whenever I did my first skydive, I knew that I was going to get my license, so I signed up for it and three days later, a lady here, a lady here in Oklahoma, died doing the exact same thing that I just signed up to do. I think it was her second or third job, same course, and everything. She died.

Speaker 3: 40:52

I was like, okay, well, that's a universal sign. The universe is telling me to not do this. But I did listen to it and I said you know, I'm one little speck in this great, vast universe. The universe is not looking out for little old me. I'm insignificant and whole grand steam of things, and not just looking out for the universe isn't just looking out for me. So I went ahead and saw it through and I'm so glad that I did, because skydiving has been the most rewarding thing that I've ever done in my life. It's one of the places that I can go and nothing else matters. I'm not there, I lose complete track of time, time and every stress and every day is gone. I'm just there in the moment. I absolutely love it.

Speaker 2: 41:34

I imagine it's pretty amazing. My oldest brother is a skydiver and my young he's older than me, but he's the younger of the two brothers is going out next week to do a tandem with him, and he's been doing that for a while. He's a scuba diver and a skydiver. So when you were talking earlier about being an adrenaline junkie, you've just found a way to use that in a positive manner, into using it for something that actually helps you, which I think that's what it's all about right Finding what helps, what helps heal us and everybody's not the same, everybody's just not the same, it's not a one size fits all and finding what helps for you, that you were able to do that is huge month actually, I started it and I was like I shouldn't be doing this.

Speaker 3: 42:27

I need to be focusing on on building the, the clothing brand. But I was like this is so healing, like this is. This is me on my healing journey. So, yeah, yeah, I did both of them at the exact same time and I'm out there every free chance that I get. I'm focusing more on the clothing right now because I have registered as an llc, so I'm committing to that. I'm all. I'm spending all of my time and energy and money into this clothing brand to help other people get out of any slumps or bad state. Friend, I need to stop spending money.

Speaker 2: 42:53

I need to focus on my brand, breakfast of Choices. And I'm walking right by you and out of the corner of my eye, I see that positive mindset shirt and I was like now I have to stop. And now I have to turn around and figure out what this is, because anything that you know is sporting a positive positivity or positive mindset or anything, is always going to catch my attention, because that's what helps me also Just remaining grateful, remaining blessed, reminding myself, you know, of the little things in life that are beautiful. And so I saw that and I was like, dang it. Now I'm going to have to have one of these shirts. I'm glad that I stopped and I, you know, again I feel like everything happens for a reason. So just seeing your brand that day, it made a difference for me. It made a difference in just my whole day. My whole mindset and my whole day shifted right there.

Speaker 3: 43:55

Well, thank you so much. That means a lot. You're you're in that. I love getting feedback and testimonials to like the one that you just gave. It's like I get messages all the time on instagram of how someone is. People have changed their life, they turn their lives around and change their perspective from their owning brand. I'm like this. This is something it absolutely is. It's awesome and it came from a place of despair. Yeah so, which which teases me that even the bad, the things that we label as bad, you know, even though they may suck at that time, as you stated early, early on in this episode, is going to be your greatest success story.

Speaker 2: 44:33

I truly believe that's true, I really do. And finding that rock bottom to rock solid. That's the whole premise of this podcast. Accountability, accountability and it's huge and positive attracts positive, negative attracts negative. And if you're going to sit around and be negative, what are you going to attract? So that positivity and seeing you do that and do something with that brand? It's not just a brand for you, it's a life, it's a way of life, and it's a lifestyle that is huge and changes the trajectory of your whole life. Your whole entire being changes from being positive.

Speaker 3: 45:11

So I think that's truly incredible. I couldn't have said it better myself. That was awesome. Oh, that was beautifully said. Yeah, I'm so glad that you stopped by the booth. You were very, very nice and I remember you saying that while you were there, I shouldn't have bought anything and you felt impelled to buy a shirt. I did. I can't thank you enough for your support and having me here on the podcast asking me to be here. It's been awesome.

Speaker 2: 45:35

Good, good, and I'm hoping that when you got on this morning you were like I don't know how this is going to go or how I'm going to be, or I'm emotional or whatever. But, as I told you, it just flows when you start being honest and you start being real and it feels good to share, for others, to just let others know that there's always hope. There is always hope, absolutely. And if you can keep that little bit of hope, even if you don't understand it, just keep that little bit of hope, you're going to be OK. You're going to be OK. You kept on going and it all went the direction that it was supposed to go. And this is going to sound weird, but even the going back to your ex-wife and sitting there with her that day showed you that that might not be where I'm supposed to be and it's okay and it's okay, and maybe that needed to happen too.

Speaker 3: 46:37

So, like I said, I feel like it all happens for a reason, whether we understand it, believe it or want it to be. It just comes around somehow if we keep learning our truths, you know, and wouldn't exist and it wouldn't be affecting other people in a positive way had I not endured what I went through. So that's how I did it. First, I went through a lot to help other people. That's the only way that I look at it.

Speaker 2: 46:54

Absolutely. You turned your pain into purpose and I truly believe that's what we're here for. That's my belief that we are here to turn pain into purpose for others. It's lifting up, it's giving a hand up not a handout, but a handout.

Speaker 3: 47:09

Not for ourselves alone do we exist.

Speaker 2: 47:11

Absolutely, that's absolutely, and I thank you so much for being here with me today, brian, and just having some faith and trust in someone that you met for 2.2 seconds to come on and do this with me. I really appreciate it.

Speaker 3: 47:25

You were very comforting. I was terrified. I was more scared to get on this I-Bass than I was in the jet pilot airplane for the first time. Public speaking is not my strong suit, especially being vulnerable.

Speaker 2: 47:39

It's just it's tough.

Speaker 3: 47:40

You were very comforting at the start of this, so thank you.

Speaker 2: 47:43

I'm glad that you felt that way and I hope that people felt that way, and it's part of the reason that I do this podcast audio only and not video. I don't want anybody to be sitting here concerned about what they're looking like, how they're coming off, what they're wearing. It's not about that, it's not about the outside, it's about the inside and, as you just stated, being comfortable, it's important. You're sharing your truth, you're sharing your story and it's raw and it's real, and if you're not comfortable doing that, it's not going to be okay.

Speaker 3: 48:13

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 48:15

So again, brian, thank you so much for being here today and thank you for doing this, and I feel like everything you shared was absolutely beautiful and inspiring for others, and that's what we're doing here.

Speaker 3: 48:26

Well, I greatly appreciate the opportunity and I look forward to hearing or hearing more episodes that come out. I listened to several of them and they're all. Each one was better than the last and very inspiring.

Speaker 2: 48:38

Thank you. Thank you for saying that and that's truly my hope is just to offer encouragement to others and, like you said, the struggle is real and we're all in this together and addiction is the opposite of connection and if we can stay connected in even just some little way, we're going to be okay. Yeah absolutely.

Speaker 1: 49:03

I am so grateful that you joined me for this week's episode of Breakfast of Choices. If you're enjoying this podcast, please subscribe, give it five stars and share it to help others find hope and encouragement. The opposite of addiction is connection, and we are all in this together. Telling your transformational story can also be an incredible form of healing, so if you would like to share it, I would love to hear it. You can also follow me on social media. I'm your host, Jo Summers, and I can't wait to bring you another story next week. Stay with me for more Transformational Thursdays.