Breakfast of Choices

Breakfast of Choices: Jo Summers- Sharing My Own Story - Part 1

• Jo Summers • Episode 28

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In this episode of Breakfast of Choices, I'm sharing part 1 of my own personal journey, which was featured on a friend’s podcast. I open up about how I went from a troubled youth to finding purpose and transformation. After sharing so many stories of others, It's time for me to be real and raw, and get vulnerable with my listeners.

I started down a dark path at a very young age, using and selling drugs, seeking acceptance and love in all the wrong places. I was around a lot of older people who manipulated and controlled me, and I didn't understand it all at the time. I was just a kid looking for belonging.

That path eventually led to me being incarcerated at just 19 years old. But as strange as it may sound, that was the turning point I needed. Being forced to sit with myself for 3.5 years is what allowed me to really reflect and figure out who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. 

Now, I'm sharing my raw, vulnerable story in the hopes of providing hope and encouragement to anyone else out there who may be struggling. I know how isolating those challenges can feel, which is why I believe sharing our stories can be so healing. If my journey resonates with even one person, and helps them realize they're not alone, then it will all be worth it.

I'm here, I'm listening, and I have resources to share if anyone needs support. Please, reach out. Let's talk, and maybe you'll even feel inspired to share your own story on this podcast. Together, we can find the strength to overcome. Connection is the opposite of addiction and we are all in this together! Stay tuned for Part 2 next week!

From Rock Bottom to Rock Solid.

We all have them...every single day, we wake up, we have the chance to make new choices.

We have the power to make our own daily, "Breakfast of Choices"

Resources and ways to connect:

Facebook: Jo Summers
Instagram: @Summersjol
Facebook Support: Chance For Change Women’s circle

National suicide prevention and crisis, hotline number 988

National domestic violence hotline:
800–799–7233

National hotline for substance abuse, and addiction:
844–289–0879

National mental health hotline:
866–903–3787

National child health and child abuse hotline:
800–422–4454

CoDa.org
12. Step recovery program for codependency.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to Breakfast of Choices, the weekly podcast that shares life stories of transformation. Each episode holds space for people to tell their true, raw and unedited story of overcoming intense adversity from addiction and incarceration, mental illness, physical and emotional abuse, domestic violence, toxic families, codependency and more. Trauma comes in so many forms. I'm your host, Jo Summers, and also someone who hit my lowest point before realizing that I could wake up every day and make a better choice, even if it was a small one. So let's dive into this week's story together to learn from and find hope through someone's journey from rock bottom to rock solid, Because I really do believe you have a new chance every day to wake up and make a change, to create your own. Breakfast of Choices. Good morning, Welcome to Breakfast of Choices life stories of transformation from rock bottom to rock solid.

Speaker 2:

I'm your host, jo Summers, and I'm going to do something just a little different today. I'm actually going to be sharing my own story, my own journey, and this episode will be part one. I did an interview with my friend, louis Jenkins, on his podcast, let's Talk About it, and Louis is great and he discusses many topics on his YouTube channel. Please check him out. But when Louie and I did my story, I had such a great time with him and I just decided and chose to share that episode the one that I did with Lou on my own podcast, because it's really just time that I share my own story. You know I've done I don't know 30, 35 episodes now and I haven't shared my own. And why I do this podcast is basically my own journey and I know what I went through and I could have used a little hope back then and to know that I wasn't alone. So I'm going to be real and I'm going to be raw and this is really vulnerable.

Speaker 2:

I started, you know, very young 10, 11 years old doing drugs, selling drugs, chasing that lifestyle, and I was around a lot of older people, a lot of control, a lot of manipulation, a lot of men, manipulation which I didn't understand, all of that at that age, which I didn't understand, all of that at that age. I was basically looking for love in all the wrong places, as you say, looking for that acceptance, people pleasing like nobody's business, and I guess I'm just going to share that whole impact of my journey with self-worth and what people pleasing causes, and codependency and all of it. Again, I started at a very young age and a lot of you won't know some of this about me. So I was incarcerated when I was barely 19. And you'll hear that journey and, honestly, that is what I needed to turn my life around. That was the hope, as weird as that may sound, that I needed to sit with myself for three and a half years and figure out what I was going to do with myself and who I was. I learned a lot about myself. I learned about other people, whole different world, and I hope today that maybe someone just hears that one little thing that sticks.

Speaker 2:

And if there is anyone out there that may be struggling, please reach out. I'm definitely here. I am always listening. I have many resources that I can share if you need them or if you just want to talk or if you really want to just come on and share your own story. Sharing our own stories can be so very healing and so very helpful for someone else, for someone to just know that they're not alone in their struggles, and that is huge, that they're not alone in their struggles, and that is huge. So, thank you for listening, thank you for all of your support, thank you for everyone helping me to offer hope and encouragement to anyone who may be struggling, and I really, really appreciate your support and thank you for listening.

Speaker 3:

And here we go, and here we go. All right, welcome everybody to let's talk about. Podcast is a platform for real talk, real people, real topics, real conversations. This podcast is something for me, very important for me, for it gives a platform for people to tell their stories and to express themselves. This is a raw, unscripted podcast.

Speaker 3:

My guest, ladies and gentlemen, I heard her story on another podcaster's podcast, tammy LeConnors. She has a podcast of hope helping other people evolve. When I heard her story I was compelled to reach out to her. Got to know her Great person. She's a fellow podcaster. Now she has what she calls breakfast of choice On Spotify. Please download and subscribe. You're going to love that podcast. Now, her podcast gives a safe place to tell people's stories which allow us love overcoming struggles addiction, mental illness, incarceration, domestic violence, suicide, toxic family structures which we all, some of us know about, relationships and more. My guest has a story how she came to this journey. She has an amazing journey. You're going to love this. I was compelled by it, had to have her on. I'd like to introduce the very beautiful and talented Jo Summers. Jo, how are you?

Speaker 2:

Hey Lou, I'm doing great Thanks for having me on man. I hope I can live up to that buildup.

Speaker 3:

No, trust me, you know, when I first saw your story, I was amazed by it. You know what you have been through, what you will become. It was just inspiring. It was great. It's a great feel. So we go, we go. Matter of fact, before we start off with this right now, I should give you a Sunday blog, because we're recording this on a Sunday.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you know what Sunday is actually my favorite day, lou. That's kind of my day that I do a little self-care, do a little reflecting what I've been through last week, what I need to work on for the next week. Sunday's just always been my day and I actually love recording on Sundays because I don't know what the vibe is. But I was happy when you said let's do this on a Sunday. So thanks for that.

Speaker 3:

Yes, yes, yes. I love Sunday too. Joe, let's get into your story, you know, let's start off from the very beginning, because you have an amazing story. Let's get into you. Let's start off right before that epic 11-year-old part. But I want you to explain how well you grew up and let's talk about your story now.

Speaker 2:

Okay, well, I mean, I grew up in San Diego, lou. I grew up in what I would consider just a middle-class suburban, nice neighborhood. You know great kids, great families from what you see on the outside, right, yeah, you see the outside of family structure, you don't see the inside. And I and I grew up in a good home. Parents were married and my dad was a really good provider, but that was his goal, just to be a provider. Not that that's a bad thing, but that didn't really include a lot of nurturing. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, he was the, because I said so, guy, he was the. That's just how we do it. You know, be quiet Dad's home now. You know, just be seen, not heard.

Speaker 2:

I was the youngest of three, so my brothers are four and seven years older than me. So I think by the time they got to me and I was a girl, they were probably tired. You know, they were like done and I was not easy. I was not an easy. I was an easy young child. I was not an easy teenager.

Speaker 3:

Really no.

Speaker 2:

I put not.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, well, you'll get to that, go on.

Speaker 2:

I will get to that. But again, you know, my mom was the we have to ask your dad. She couldn't make a decision, she couldn't have an opinion, she couldn't. She was a great mom, you know, she was kind of the Kool-Aid mom she was, she was great, but she wasn't really able to be the yeah, go ahead and do that. Or yeah, go ahead and do that. It was always we have to ask your dad.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

And even at a young age, lou, that used to just piss me off. I'm like, yes, I'm like, make a damn decision already. And I don't know. That's just how I came out. I can't explain that to you. I've always that way. It used to upset me that she couldn't think for herself. I guess that upset me and I was vocal about that sometimes. Were there people who were pretending to be gay? Were there people who were sometimes Would that mean people will continue to be? Oh, absolutely, that's just.

Speaker 2:

You do what you know right Generational. That's how your parents were. That's how you're going to be Until you know better and do better. That's how you're going to continue to be. So, not a lot of hugging, not a lot of all of those things.

Speaker 2:

I can tell you I do not remember an I love you from my dad my entire life. Now I'm sure that he did when I was little. You know what I mean, but I don't remember it. As I got older and it's not just me that doesn't remember it, my brothers say the same thing Okay, so to the time on his deathbed I said I love you, dad, and he goes, okay, like seriously, so took it to the grave and that's just how he grew up. That's just what he knew.

Speaker 2:

So, to be honest, I think I was just out there, like many girls do I'm not going to say I have daddy issues, because I don't really but it was looking for love in all the wrong places, you know, trying to get that acceptance, trying to get what you thought love was, in all the wrong ways, and I think a lot of people do that. You know what I mean. You try to find somewhere that you feel that family or that love, you know. And not that I didn't have a loving family. I'm portraying that it was much more toxic than it was. It wasn't. It was just what they knew back then. You know it was that. Do as I say, don't question. You know, and that doesn't really teach you how to think outside the box. You know what I mean. No, it doesn't.

Speaker 3:

No, no, it doesn't teach you how to think outside the box. You know what I mean it doesn't.

Speaker 2:

No, no, it doesn't. So that's just kind of how I grew up and I and I did start looking for love in all the wrong places for real at a very young age um, is this the part where you know you started looking at a long wrong place at age 11?

Speaker 2:

so kind of yeah, that that was I'll be just. You know, I'm raw, I'm honest, I'm transparent. Started having sex at 11. You don't even know what that is. Do you know what I'm saying? You don't know. You know what it is, let me rephrase that but you don't know what it means and you don't know how you're supposed to feel. And you don't know any of those things, right? So the only reason you're doing that at such a young age is just to people, please, right? To just think that that's what someone wants and that's what you learn, is your value. And when you learn that that is your value at a young age, it really affects many, many, many areas and aspects of your life, because you learn to not value yourself as a person. You just learn to people please, and that's codependent, right? And that's something we don't learn till later.

Speaker 3:

we don't understand those things yeah, that'd be years old, like you know, like, did you even like have a inkling about what was it about? Did you see like a magazine or anything like that? No, no.

Speaker 2:

So again, my brothers are four and seven years older than me. So I grew up when I was 11, lou, let's be real I didn't look 11. Okay, I was already developed, I was already all the things. When I went somewhere, I didn't look 11. I probably looked 13, 14 yeah not that that's much older, but you know what I mean. I did not look like I was 11 okay so I think I was trying to.

Speaker 2:

I, I fell in love as you, so to speak, if you want to call it my first love in my neighborhood, and he was, I don know, four or five years older than me. Okay, and I kind of went with well, what is he doing? What would he want me to be doing? Do you know what I mean Instead of what do I want? What do I want to be doing? I didn't even know, because I'd been told remember, I've been told my whole life what to do, how to do it. Just do what I say, not as I, and that that that had a big effect for sure.

Speaker 3:

Do you think that that's spot on from what your mom went?

Speaker 2:

through my mom still to this day, luna. My mom is almost 83 and she lives with me now.

Speaker 2:

She's beginning stages of dementia okay she's never known how to take care of herself fully. You know, my dad did all the financial. My dad did all the bill. He took care of all those bill. He took care of all those things. She basically took care of him. You know, he put my food on the table feed me. He would call her all that. You know, I need this. I need that. Like just drove me nuts, luke, no kidding. And all the way up till the day he died, you know. And so watching that she just wasn't able to have this sounds so terrible. But much of a life of her own. It was all about him always and all about what he wanted. And that's what I grew up thinking I guess was normal. It was normal in my household. But it's not a good way to have a relationship. People say relationships are 50-50. No, they're not. They're 100-100. You give 100, they give 100. Anybody giving 50, that doesn't work, does it.

Speaker 3:

No.

Speaker 2:

So, you know, she was just there to do all the things that wives were supposed to do, right, and I guess that's just what I saw. And so I guess I was just going to do all the things I was supposed to do right, and that just manifested in a lot of different ways for me. I just kind of went crazy, just kind of went off the deep end, just followed my own path, I guess, and, just you know, just started kind of hanging out with the wrong crowd, started hanging out with older people, started hanging out with men instead of boys that really truly were boys but of man age, and just you know, started. I liked motorcycles and I liked shiny things and that was like squirrel you know what I mean the next big adventure, the next fun thing and really just started doing some shit at a very young age that you know my son is the age he's older now than I was when I started and I just I can't even imagine him doing some of those things that I was doing. It's crazy.

Speaker 3:

When you was going through this at age 11, when you started this, when I followed your path, you got into also drugs at the same time. At that I did. How was that like exposed to you at that young age?

Speaker 2:

Again, I was hanging out with older people. I used to go to someone's house that used to be outside a lot working on his motorcycle, cleaning his motorcycle, doing all those things and I loved motorcycles, I thought that was the funnest thing ever. And he had always told me when I come there, it's fine if I walk by and he's outside and we're going to talk, but don't ever go to the door, don't ever worry about the people that are coming and going, like just walk on by if he's not out. And you know there was a lot of traffic, so to speak, at his house coming and going and things, and you could tell a lot of people lived there and I didn't really know what that was about back then, you know. And of course he wasn't home one day and you know me being the stubborn child that I was I did talk to somebody that was coming out of the house and that's kind of how it started and he seemed like a really lovely guy.

Speaker 2:

I'm super good, looking, super, you know all those things and I was just like, wow, you know he's beautiful. Yeah, he wasn't really so beautiful and I just kind of got hooked up again. Remember that I looked older than I was. So in his defense I don't think he thought I was as young as I was either. And so there was a lot of people at that house, a lot of coming, a lot of going, a lot of drugs. A lot of people at that house, a lot of coming, a lot of going, a lot of drugs, a lot of things, and I just kind of got involved in it. Somehow it just happens, it's natural progression, I guess. When you're hanging out and exposing yourself to those things, it was natural progression joe, you were such a young girl even though you look older.

Speaker 3:

Thanks, man. I've heard some people being exposed to it at a young age, but, good Lord, you was like 11. We was like 11, 12, right.

Speaker 2:

I looked pretty innocent, right. I had that look about me that I was going to get away with some things, and I think they saw that right away she might be able to do some stuff for us that we couldn't get done on our own. So I think there was a little manipulation there that I didn't understand. You know, I didn't even know what was happening. I was just going with the flow right, having fun doing the things, until it became kind of obvious that it wasn't so much for fun anymore. It was something that was expected of me and I was going to pretty much do what I was told to do, whether I liked it or not, that page 11, probably by this time now, 12 and 13, yeah too, yeah, no, I.

Speaker 2:

Just I, I was partying a lot, doing a lot, lot of drugs. Meth got introduced and that was pretty much the downfall, to be honest. Once I started doing meth and kind of got caught up in that cycle and then I was selling it, I was delivering it and just doing what I was told Take this over here, come back, take this, come back, take this, come back. Until I started questioning things. Right Then I was like what am I taking? What am I bringing back? What is happening here? What am I doing?

Speaker 3:

So at 12 and 13,. I'm trying to get this right. You started taking it and selling it at 12 years old.

Speaker 2:

And nobody really knew that, Lou, Everybody knew I was party and that was apparent.

Speaker 3:

And nobody really knew that, lou. Everybody knew I was party and that was apparent. I was doing things like pink carts and drinking and smoking weed and huffing this substance called toylene, which is actually used to clean motorcycle again look how young I was Right. So nobody was really expecting that. So I kept that hidden for for a long time, as long as I could, until I started doing it with other friends. You know what I mean, but I kept that hidden really as long as this. That people that you know, people you cared about maybe a school teacher- or anybody like that.

Speaker 2:

Did anybody have any inkling that you was doing it at all or this issue? No, not something you talked about, right, I wasn't. It was made very clear that this isn't something you discuss, talk about, tell bad things will happen. People die for things like that. And when I came into that picture, to be fair and to be honest, they probably thought I was older and probably thought my whole life wasn't a good situation and I was more of a runaway type, because a lot of the girls that were staying around there were runaways and things like that. So when they found out that you know what I actually had a home life and people that loved me and people that cared about me, that was a problem, because it's harder to force someone to do what you want when they have people that love them and care about them. Does that make sense Absolutely? And so I think that just kind of happened. I don't know.

Speaker 2:

It happened because I was pretty smart, I was good at math, I could do cells, I could do all those things you know, and I looked innocent, and so if I'm walking by with a backpack, nobody's going to think twice about that, right, and so that's kind of how that happened. And it's not uncommon, lou. It's not uncommon at all for young people. Well, think about the gang life. How young are the kids that start? How young are the kids that are on the street corners? How young are the kids that are made to feel important and made to feel special and you're doing this for me, and look how special that makes you. It starts very young.

Speaker 3:

Joe, let me tell you something. I mean right now, where I grew up out in West Philly, like you know, we didn't have anything. It was, you know, poor in the city area or whatever, and you need that money. And these kids are like 10, 11, 12 years old, Like you know. Like you know selling caps, you know Okay, and then little cap bottles, Like you know, making like $20 off every $100. Stuff like that. Because they didn't have the money, they didn't have the means, and it was targeting these kids because they would figure like all right, well, they're kids and like nobody's really questioning, they can go around and not get adult, thinking they're kids. So they question it, they can get away with it, Right, and I've seen it, I grew up with it, I totally understand.

Speaker 2:

And that's exactly the situation, just in a suburban type neighborhood, in a different place where it really isn't expected right. So that's kind of how it started and when I realized really the extent of what was going on and what I was doing, it was a little bit too late. It was a little too late to just walk away because I was already in it. I was in it, on it, doing it, it was happening right. So I had tried to get away a few times and it was made pretty clear that that wasn't going to go well for me. I had finally a certain point, Lou. I did walk away into the details of all of that just for reasons. But it didn't go well. And there was a time when I was being followed and I couldn't tell the difference of am I being paranoid or am I being followed? And it was very apparent I was being followed and it wasn't just me that noticed. It came a time where my best friend that I was hanging out with, I kind of I wasn't a great influence on her, I wasn't and kind of brought her into my world a little bit and we went somewhere one night and I actually had to apologize and say I don't know what's going to happen here tonight and I'm sorry and I really thought that we weren't going to leave there. That night they were pretty angry at me for something I had done and walked away and all of that. But you know what? It was just time for me to walk away and I was in a place where, no matter what happened, it needed to happen for me.

Speaker 2:

But I didn't get any better after that. It was a way of life now. You know what I mean. Drugs were the way of life for me and it was a lot of partying, a lot of meth and a lot of older crowd. It was drugs and rock and roll. That's just how I grew up and you know, looking back on it, I can see the issues. Looking at it then seemed like it was just the times. You know what I mean. We're just having fun, we're having a great time. But I wasn't having fun anymore.

Speaker 3:

It was, it was necessity, you know and one question here when you think about all this at this point in your life now, at that part, let's say, like the early teenage years that you say you got caught up in it, it got worse, like what do you think why you did it at that teenage year?

Speaker 2:

I just think I was going. Yeah, I was just, like I said, looking for love in all the wrong places. I thought, oh, he loves me, he doesn't want me to leave, he wants me to stay, he doesn't want to let me go, he wants me to be around. I think it was that feeling that we all want. We want to be accepted, we want to be loved, we want all those things. And whether it's the correct version of it, you don't always know that at a young age, right? So that's why, when you're young, you're just easily manipulated, very easily manipulated, very vulnerable, and obviously older people know that right.

Speaker 3:

You know it now.

Speaker 2:

Right, older people. You know, we were young and older people knew it then we just didn't know. And those are just things you learn as you go. And I continued to do drugs, I continued to party, I was kind of out of the issue that I had, but I just kept doing the same thing the same people, the same places, the same things, the same playground, the same over and over, the same ridiculous men, the same ridiculous lifestyle. For years I just kept doing it and I couldn't see a way out of it, because that's just your daily, it's just what you do. And when you start that from such a young age, you don't really have hobbies. You don't play with Barbies, you don't play with dolls. You know what I'm saying. You're out. This is your life, this is what you're doing, and so you're not hanging out with other kids your age because that's not really what they are doing.

Speaker 3:

So you didn't really get a chance at all.

Speaker 2:

You know I did. I mean we had a good neighborhood when I was like eight, nine, ten. We had. We had a great neighborhood. We all played outside together, we all hung out together, we played hide and seek, we did all those things. We played football on the street, we did all those things that kids did back then. But I was a lot younger, I was eight. You know, my brothers again were 12 and 15. I was hanging out with neighborhood kids and everything at that young age.

Speaker 2:

But there was some things going on in some of my friends' houses too that were pretty crazy. My best friend in fourth, fifth, sixth grade. Her house was a house of complete abuse sexual trauma, abuse, molestation. Her brother which happened to be bizarre my first kiss in my very young life. He committed suicide. Chris was 16 when he committed suicide and that was in our neighborhood and everybody was just shock and awe over that. You know what I mean. Because of where we lived and how we lived, it was like freaking Mr Rogers land, you know. And so I had just grown up different. I guess maybe my own mindset was just different, I think I just I didn't like to be controlled, which is so funny, because I was completely controlled. So I went from one avenue of controlling to a whole different avenue of controlling. You know it just, it never served me. Well, I can tell you that, like I said, your story is straight amazing.

Speaker 3:

I know you said I know you said like, no, I'm going to get into this part. So at the high school, right now, you went to college, right.

Speaker 2:

So I had gotten kicked out, asked politely not to come back to junior high. We were selling Politely that you know you might want to do something different next year. They knew we were selling drugs. That's the way, politely, that you know you might want to do something different next year. They knew we were selling drugs. The high school and our junior high had had a big drug bust. They knew I was selling drugs but they couldn't catch me and so it was just one of those. You probably might ought to do something different next year.

Speaker 2:

Me and my best friend both and we ended up going to a different high school which started in the ninth grade, totally different high school than my brothers went to or the friends in our neighborhood, because we got politely asked to not come back. So we went to a different high school. It wasn't even in our neighborhood, so we were using her sister's address as our address, which so anything related to school if they mailed something home or whatever never came to my home. So as a teenager, that was beautiful, right. That was like shoot free reign. So we were crazy. Out there, lou, we started our day getting high. We barely went to high school. We were ridiculous. We were truly ridiculous.

Speaker 2:

And I can remember my only class after lunch was PE and I told my teacher I wouldn't be there. So do what you got to do, but I'm not coming. That's the easiest class you could have. I didn't want to go back to school after lunch. I wasn't busy. I was busy. That was the last so politely got asked to not come back there as well. Actually, I didn't get politely asked. I got a letter that said you're not coming back. Get politely asked. I got a letter that said you're not coming back.

Speaker 2:

We were on a transfer and so if you're on a transfer, you have to be like on your best behavior, right, yeah, and I actually got good grades. I actually got good grades and I helped other kids. I got good grades. I could go in and take a test and just pass it and then I'd be like peace out, I'm done, bye, see you next week. You know, and it was different back then. It's not like it is now when everything's computerized, and you know it was more personal back then, right? So like, hey, I'm not coming to class, sorry, but I could get good grades.

Speaker 2:

And I told my parents that it's my manipulative shit here, that I probably shouldn't go back to that school. I wasn't doing good and didn't have great friends and I probably needed to go to a different high school to do better. It was a complete bullshit lie. They told me I couldn't come back, but I was trying to spin that in a way that worked for me, right. So I did, and I went to a different high school and I just couldn't make myself be there. I just couldn't. I was get dropped off leave.

Speaker 2:

I was out at lunch in the woods getting high. By that time I think I was 14, maybe I was a younger ninth grade. So I was like almost a year behind because my birthday was so late in the year and my boyfriend that I was dating was 19. So obviously he's driving all of those things Right, and so I mean he's just coming to get me Right. We're not even. I'm not even in school. He hadn't been in school for years. So I'm not even going.

Speaker 2:

And I was still passing and I said to my dad, or my dad, I said I want to take my GED. And he said I'll make a deal with you. I'll let you take your GED if you go right to college. I'm like, okay, I'll do that. So that's what I did. I took my GED when I was 16. And I did go right to college.

Speaker 2:

I did do what I said I was going to do and I started going to college for administration of justice, which is so freaking funny to me now. I was, I was classed with like juvenile delinquency and intro to justice and you know psychology behind the why of why you do the things you do, and I was really interested in that stuff and that kept me going. That is stuff that I could get behind Algebra with letters and numbers in the same equation I'm like this is ridiculous. In the same equation, I'm like this is ridiculous, but stuff that I could really get behind, like mindset and brain activity and all those things. I was into that. And so I did start kind of paying attention to what I was doing and what was happening. Now I'll be honest, lou, I was selling drugs on my way to college. I'll be honest, I started class at 10 in the morning. I was doing a few drop-offs before 10.

Speaker 2:

And I'm 16 and I'm in college with a lot of older folks. Right, it's a junior college, but I'm still, and most days I was high that I went to school, but I was still interested in what I was doing. I was still interested in being there, but life was still kicking my ass. I was still partying, I was still doing jobs, I was doing a lot of meth and I ended up getting together with someone who was much, much older than me. He was 31. I think I was 17 when we met. We ended up moving in together. He was not a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. He had some serious personality disorders, very abusive.

Speaker 2:

You never knew. It was walking on eggshells. You never know who you're coming home to, what day it's happened, you just never know. It was kind of like eggshells all over again. I felt like my whole life was just eggshells, constantly walking on eggshells. From a young age to an old age. It was constantly just who am I going to run into next? And so you just learn how to be quiet. You learn how to people please. You learn how to not get your own needs met, right. You learn how to meet everybody else's and what makes them happy, and you don't even care about your own happiness, right, and that's a problem. That's a problem. And so I did college.

Speaker 2:

When I moved in with him, my dad, his stipulation was I'm not going to pay for college anymore if you're going to move in with this guy. And that was him trying to keep me going to college, right, and it didn't work. I left. I moved in with him and this was somebody that I had met at my dad's bar, so, funny, decided he was going to. He ran delis and restaurants for most of my life. His parents owned a deli. He took over their deli. He was a sheriff when we were which I don't remember that my other brother does, but I don't remember that I know, right. So, yeah, crazy, he had ran delis and restaurants and he was going to buy this bar in this place. That he didn't understand the gravity of where he was buying a bar. This was a total meth biker area, right? Yeah Well, I knew all the people at this place already. So that was a very difficult situation, because now I'm 15, I think when he had this bar and I knew everybody in it, that's a problem. Him trying to figure out why does my daughter know these people? Right, was a problem. And so, anyway, me and him got together. I moved out.

Speaker 2:

It was bad, it was not a good situation. He was very, like I said very abusive, and my dad wasn't speaking to me at the time. He quit talking to me and he would. Funny thing that he would do is he would have my mom deliver birth control pills to me every month because he didn't want me to get pregnant. That was his contribution of I need to help in some way. I don't know how to help, but I think this will help. You know what I mean he was. He wasn't speaking to me at the time because he was so angry at me and I get it. I get it now as a parent. That probably didn't help me, but that was what. That was his avenue that he chose. That was going to work for him and give him some sanity and some boundaries of my lifestyle, right.

Speaker 3:

I get it, trust me. I totally understand.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and I do too. I understand it. And when I it finally got so bad one night that I called him and it was probably 3.30 in the morning and I said, dad, can you come get me? And we hadn't spoken quite a while and he said I'll be right there. And him and my mom got in the car and they came and got me at 3.30 in the damn morning at a not nice part of town where I was living in this. I was living in an apartment for $350 a month that I made as cute as can be. I made the made a home out of that place, but it was $350 a month. Okay, on El Cajon Boulevard, which I know. You don't know where that is, but if anybody does, they'd be like whoa, I had been living in hotels, you know things like that. So we got this apartment and he came and got me and I went back to their house and I was trying to live there. You can't. You know what I mean. I'd already been out, I'd been on my own, tried to go back and live there, so I moved in with my cousin Party, party, party, party.

Speaker 2:

Until I came home one day, lou and I think it's a little sketchy on how all this happened, just because of the time and my mind frame. But she said have you seen yourself lately? Have you looked in the mirror? And I said, nope, she's like you need to, you look like shit. And went and looked in the mirror and, lou, I looked. I didn't even recognize myself.

Speaker 2:

I still have that look of what I look like imprinted in my mind and it was bad. It was the pictures that you see of addicts. You know I weighed 98 pounds. My eyes were black, my face was white, sunken sores. I just looked like death. I absolutely looked like death and I was having some medical issues.

Speaker 2:

I was having some kidney problems, couldn't use the bathroom, couldn't go to the bathroom at someone else's house, probably because I was paranoid, and so it was really bad. And I can't remember if my mom came and got me or she took me over to my parents' house. I can't remember. But they saw me and couldn't believe it, like we're pretty upset that I was looking how I was looking, and kind of nursed me back to health a little bit and he took me to the doctor. They had to put the catheter in me, drain my kidneys, the whole thing. It was pretty bad. The doctor said you know pretty much what he said was little lady. You continue to do much more of this and this is going to be the end for you. And what he said with little lady. You continue to do much more of this and this is going to be the end for you. And you're pretty young to be experiencing this. I think I was 17 at that point.

Speaker 3:

Joe, let me ask you a question. So at this time, right, do you remember how your mom was feeling at this time about you?

Speaker 2:

My mom went along with what my dad said. She would still try to come and see me. Like I said, my dad would send her over once a month. She was a little bit naive and a little bit of pretending the situation wasn't what the situation was and I tried to hide what it was. From her a lot too. From her a lot too.

Speaker 2:

You don't want to think that your child or your children are doing the things that they are doing and living how they're living, even if you know it's true, you do what you can to cope through that right and try to make it better. My dad wasn't making it better. He was having a bad time. People were telling me hey, your dad is having it rough. Like he's not good with this. He's really upset. He's eating Tums every day. Like he's not doing good with all this. You know I was just a little bitch. I'm gonna be honest. Like you know, fuck him. He don't want to talk to me, he don't want nothing to do with me. He'll talk to all these ratchet MFs at the bar all day long, but he can't talk to his own daughter.

Speaker 2:

You know I just made terrible decisions, terrible excuses when I was living with this person. He was on parole and my dad called his parole officer and got his parole revoked it was on Christmas Day, I'll never forget it and had him come picked up on Christmas Day. Well, I actually knew his parole officer, which was freaking funny. So his parole officer took me to see him in jail a few times and I know my dad was trying to do something to get this man out of my life. I get that. Do you know what I'm saying? That's logically, totally get it, mentally at the time, not happy about it. So it just was a struggle. It was just a struggle of him trying to know what to do, me never doing the right thing, him trying to do what he could do or knew how to do, which neither one of us knew how to navigate that situation. You know what I mean. It was a situation he was trying to get through the best. He knew how and I was just trying to kill myself, apparently because I was just, you know, partying, and so there's no blame whatsoever. Like we fixed our relationship, we got better. All those things happened.

Speaker 2:

As a parent, I get how hard and how hard everything must have been that I put them through Like. I think I get it. Maybe I don't get the magnitude, but I think that I do. As a parent, I'm gonna be honest. It was pretty bad. There was raids and things that I was in Dad knew, but I think that I do. As a parent, I'm going to be honest. It was pretty bad. There was raids and things that I was in. Dad knew all the officers in that town and really it kind of kept me out of trouble. He had me followed like just signs of things, just trying to make sure I wasn't going to get in more trouble than what he could handle. You know what I mean or what he could help me with.

Speaker 2:

And I was a mess and when I got sick and I went to the house, I told them then that and I had been trying to get clean. I had been trying various different things to get clean. I was just in a world and in a situation where I couldn't get out of my playground and I told them that I needed to leave. I said I am never going to have any kind of life living here. It's never going to happen. I can't seem to. And I was always like the fixer, the one that people came to, even though I was a hot mess, I was still the one that everybody came to to talk. Everybody came to talk through their struggles. Everybody came to tell me about their relationships, all their problems, right, and I'm still listening and trying to help everybody else. I just didn't have anybody trying to help me. Now, my parents were, but I just never really had that. You know what I mean. I was the strong one, I appeared to be the strong one all the time and when I told him that I needed to move, my dad said I've got your uncle you can go live with in Washington, or possibly your cousin that you could go live with in Colorado, who I didn't know well at all. And I chose that route. I went to Colorado at 18.

Speaker 2:

I think I was 18 when I left, trying to get sober, and I can tell you this the first day that I was there, that I was out walking around, someone came up to me and asked me if I wanted to party and go do some coke. The first day I was there and I was like is it on my forehead? Do I have something written that says you know what I mean? Like I, I didn't understand why I was wait. Did you know this person when you got here? No, no, I was literally walking at the park, walking from her house to walk day.

Speaker 2:

It wasn't even a park, it was more like a lake type setting where there was a walking trail around it and I was leaving from her house to go to the corner, to walk up to place, to just be out in some nature, just to walk around. Nature has always been a thing for me. I grew up at the beach. I need water. That's my happy place, and I was trying to go get myself to a happy place and this guy comes up and starts talking to me, asking if I want to go party, and I'm thinking to myself what is it about me? What is it that attracts? Like?

Speaker 2:

I was mad about it. I was mad. I didn't go with him. I did not go, but I was mad. I was angry about it because I'm like what is it about me? No-transcript people and they can see that Right, but at that time it appeared itself more as vulnerability and so it happened all the time. It didn't matter where I was, what kind of setting. I could be at a freaking roller skating rink, it did not matter, it just found me, and I'm not trying to be a victim at all, I'm just saying it just seemed to be a natural progression of my life, I don't know how to explain it and so I didn't go with this person and I went back to my cousin's house and I was upset. I think I was crying that day. I think I hadn't even been there three, four days and I think I was crying, trying to figure out like what is wrong with me. You know what I mean, what there was something wrong with me.

Speaker 3:

That was the first time you noticed it, like, like.

Speaker 2:

No.

Speaker 3:

Wrong no.

Speaker 2:

No, you dosed it like like no, we're all. No, no, I had thought it for many, I can tell you. A time I was going to get on a bus to go to my grandma's house and I'm like this motherfucker excuse my language like I knew the guy that was going to come, sit next to me on the bus, like I knew it. And what do you think happened? The guy that comes, that just always happened. And, like I said, now I know it, something, some kind of frequency I put out right. Then I was like something's wrong with me. I'm the guy that comes. That just always happened. And, like I said, now I know it. Something, some kind of frequency I put out Right. Then I was like something's wrong with me, I'm broken. I never say I'm broken anymore. I encourage people never to say you're broken, you're healing. You're not broken, you're healing. So he came, that happened. I remember sitting in the room crying, thinking how is my life ever going to be different? You know what I mean. Like this happens repeatedly. Am I ever going to be strong enough to not do this Right?

Speaker 2:

And a friend of mine from California. He decided, we decided, I guess, that he was going to come out and see me. Big mistake. He had lived in Colorado, so he knew a lot of people there. So I changed my places, I changed my things, but I didn't change my people. And he came out and of course it was great to see him because I was kind of in that space of it's never going to change for me anyway, right? So what does it matter? Right? No matter where I go, same shit happens. What does it matter, poor me, right? So he comes out and he says we're going to go to a reunion, which, I'm thinking, high school reunion. I didn't ask many questions, lou, I'm just people pleasing, right? Make the guy Just go with the flow. Just go with the flow, go to the reunion.

Speaker 2:

Well, the reunion turned out to be a bunch of guys that had just got out of prison, that hadn't seen each other in a long time. They grew up together in a boy's home. So in about five minutes I was back in it. Five minutes Like boom, boom. Here you go. And those are my people, right, my people. I got my people back, right. So I'm happy about it and not happy about it at the same time. And I actually started preschool teaching. I was a preschool teacher and I loved kids and I was super happy doing that.

Speaker 2:

Well, one of the guys that I had met at the reunion came and saw me at the preschool one day, brought me some flowers, brought a teddy bear. I was freaked out a little bit because he was all tattooed, all sleeved. This was back in 88. So that wasn't the norm back then. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, this dude just got out of prison, look right, and he was actually really good with the kids and he was telling him all his tattoos were cartoons and it was. It was really cute actually, and I was going to get in trouble.

Speaker 2:

I thought I was going to get fired but I didn't and some things ended up happening with the cousin that I was living at, living with. I don't know what the problem was, lou, she wasn't very nice and I promise that it wasn't me. I promise I was doing everything I could People please be quiet, quiet on the little mouse. You know what I mean. All the things that I said before I moved in didn't happen. I was paying you know whatever it was back then a month to live in the bedroom with the cat box. You know what I mean. I was supposed to have the downstairs basement and have you know what I mean have an actual like apartment to myself and get all of the life happening that way. And he came over to the house with some flowers, as a matter of fact, and I went to get a vase to put them in. And she came in the kitchen and she ripped the flowers out of the vase, all pissed off, and got a slurpee cup out of the cupboard and put them in a slurpee cup and looked at me and I can't remember what she said. And I looked at her and I looked at him and I was like whatever the fuck just happened, and we walk out and he goes what was that? I said I honestly have no idea. I really don't know what the problem is. I'm unsure, but nothing that I do with this person is right ever. And so it was like it put me right back in that place of nothing I could do was right. And so he said you know what? I've got a condo, I have an extra bedroom. You come stay with me. So that's what I did, lou, and it just wasn't good from there.

Speaker 2:

He wasn't actually a really good guy. He was a good person. He was a good guy. He was trying to be on the right path also, he had been in prison for seven years at that point, got out and he was trying to live right. He was trying to do good, he was trying to do better. He was involved with the motorcycle arena and the whole thing too. But he was trying to do better, live right, had a job, all those things.

Speaker 2:

Well, his brother actually came and stayed with us too, and his brother got in some trouble and decided that he didn't want to be in trouble and didn't want to go to jail. So he was going to tell the police that his brother the one that I was living with did all these things and was this horrible person. Let's get him in trouble and snitch on him so I don't have to go to jail. Right Also included me and threw me under the bus, ok, and I didn't even know the extent of everything that he said or what was going on. At that point I was very unclear of what was happening and I know that Tony ended up getting arrested in a very bad way Helicopter, swat, the whole thing flying down on him in the middle of the street and I'm at preschool and he's supposed to pick me up that night and he actually calls the preschool with everything he had going on. I'll never forget this and I don't know if I've ever said this to him, but he actually called the preschool and did a collect call to where I was at and said I'm not going to be able to pick you up tonight. You might want to turn on the news, you know, looking back on that, he was concerned about picking me up from like I had not really had that at that point. You know what I mean. He was actually concerned about me with everything that he had going on. And Tony, when you hear this because I know you'll listen to it thank you for that, because I don't think I've ever said thank you for that to you.

Speaker 2:

But then I had to figure out how to get back to the house, right? So one of the other preschool teachers took me back to where I lived and you got to remember I hadn't lived there for that long. I wasn't even sure how to get there. Like we had to figure it out. And she got me there and when I got back to my apartment it was all full of cops. There was cops everywhere and it was full of cops. And you got to remember my mindset back then. I'm not. I was still a little angry, I still maybe had some anger issue and I got in there. Yeah, wait a minute.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, do you remember how exactly long you was there in colorado? What is that?

Speaker 2:

yep, remember exactly. I went there in March and I got arrested in June, which I haven't got to that part yet. So March 8th, all right.

Speaker 3:

Okay, it don't take me long to get in trouble you know, joe, I'm telling you right now, this is why I had to have y'all, and just just if it's getting better and better, I, I'm telling you, but go ahead and continue please yeah.

Speaker 2:

So I won't get into the whole story about how tony got arrested and all that it's a long story but yeah, so I go to the house and they were sitting in the house and this detective, I'll never forget him. He had his feet up on the coffee table and I don't see, okay, thank you for that face lou, because so he just made himself a home and shit, he's waiting there to make himself home.

Speaker 3:

Like he probably had like some snacks and so he and it pissed me off, right.

Speaker 2:

So, instead of just shutting my mouth and not saying anything, what do you think I gotta do? I gotta pop off and be an asshole and be like what the fuck, dude, what are you doing with your feet on my coffee table? Like that's so rude, right? Well, he didn't like that, I could have nicer right, but it just really caught me off guard and I was like what are you doing here? And he said well, you know, I could ask you the same question. I was like I live here and he's like oh, do you now? And just being a complete a-hole. And I'm like what is happening? Right?

Speaker 2:

So they had already been searched, the whole place, done all these things. And he told me he was waiting for a search warrant. And I'm like so you just came in, made yourself at home, got your feet on the table waiting for a search warrant, and I'm like that's bullshit. You know you've already looked through this place. That's bullshit, or you wouldn't be in here. So he's asking me You've got to remember what I've been through in my life. I'm pretty schooled at this point, right. So I he starts saying well, where are you from? And I told him I'm from San Diego and he goes no, you're not.

Speaker 3:

Where else am I from? I?

Speaker 2:

said, oh really. And he said yeah, and I said please tell me, I would love to hear your version, let's hear it. Where am I from? And he said San Francisco. Well, it dawned on me that my luggage tag was still on my bag upstairs and it said San Francisco because that's where I came through. When I came to Colorado I took the train out. So now I knew this mother ever had been up searching the house, right, because that was in the room upstairs and I'm like really. So then you know, then I'm just fucking with him now because I already know that the woman gave me the whole house and all this stuff. So I was an asshole I could have shut up. So he told me you're either going to be an arrestee or you're going to be a witness. And I said, well, I can't be an arrestee because I haven't done a damn thing and I can't be a witness because I don't even know what the hell you're doing here. So when he finally presented the search warrant, there was a lot of things on the search warrant.

Speaker 1:

I am so grateful that you joined me for this week's episode of Breakfast of Choices. If you're enjoying this podcast, please subscribe, give it five stars and share it to help others find hope and encouragement. The opposite of addiction is connection, and we are all in this together. Telling your transformational story can also be an incredible form of healing, so if you would like to share it, I would love to hear it. You can also follow me on social media. I'm your host, Jo Summers, and I can't wait to bring you another story next week. Stay with me for more Transformational Thursdays.

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