[00:00:00] Yemi: Hello and welcome back. Can we talk about the trauma of marriage? Or should it be the trauma of divorce? I don't know and I'm gonna really need your input. So either write in the comments or come into my DMs on Instagram or LinkedIn and let me know what comes up for you. I'm getting married in a couple of months and I've been thinking about it a lot more as the date This will be my second marriage.
[00:01:16] Similarly, it will be my partner's second marriage. And radical honesty is really important for me, for growth, sustainability, all of that stuff. We both said our vows before, you know, we, we stood in front of someone and we promised till death do us part. I mean, this was the time when I was still reading everything that I was told to say.
[00:01:41] You know, we really had intentions to be with our then partners till the end of time. And so I can't help but feel unsettled at this notion that Sometimes things change, things happen, [00:02:00] and I guess my wonder is, why do people go back into it again? Some people are third, fourth, fifth time. Now I feel I know enough about the world, but nowhere near as much as I could know, that marriage isn't just about that starry eyed puppy love, and that it's more than that.
[00:02:25] And I know that having a deep friendship actually has a big role to play in The longevity of a relationship. But I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little bit afraid. And I think my fear is more along the lines of Don't fuck this up, Yemi. And I know, that sounds harsh, right? It sounds harsh that I'm already carrying some monkeys and some residue on my back.
[00:03:07] And it's the reason why I wanted to talk about it in this podcast and look, hey, it looks like I am going to explore things in real time and you are going to be with me on the journey because I have no idea what's going to come out my mouth. And I hope that it is nothing new that my partner doesn't know already.
[00:03:29] Thankfully my divorce was not messy. Thankfully I have a beautiful relationship with the father of my son and yes there are some challenges but my goodness do we handle it beautifully. I'm also told that part of the reason why I handle it beautifully is because we don't have money exchange between us, um, and we live in different parts of the world.
[00:03:52] Go figure. Even though I wasn't married to the father of my daughter that didn't end well. [00:04:00] I definitely was. In the unhealed, really unaware part of me. And that's not a blame thing, that's an acknowledgement. I believe it's a true part of our growth to understand the roles we played in some of the difficult conversations we've had in our lives.
[00:04:21] Not all, but some. We are going to need to do that. We are going to need to understand, what was it that I was doing then? That I may have had to do because I felt it was the only way to survive. However, now I know and I am better. What would I do differently? That's really freed me and also allowed me to heal the relationship with, well, heal in, we're not fully there, the relationship with the father of my daughter.
[00:04:55] So when I go back and look at how raw and painful that separation was and the impact it had on my daughter, that, that, that was traumatizing. You know, I currently live down under. The other side of the world. Over the seas, literally. Because I was running away from trauma that was associated with, quote unquote, a broken family.
[00:05:25] So to say that all of that has been wiped out, regardless of therapy sessions, regardless of ayahuasca, would be a lie. And then I come to my partner without going into any of his business. His divorce was not easy. And Far from whatever we think is amicable. So, I sit here and wonder, well, in order to decolonize the trauma I potentially still have associated with marriage as a result of [00:06:00] divorce.
[00:06:00] Now there's already something in there. It's like I can't think of marriage without divorce. But if I was to decolonize it, it would be to say, well, what's the fear, Yemi? Who told you, you had to be perfect and get everything right? Happens to this idea and plan and intention to do forever and infinity with your love.
[00:06:28] And then I start to think, oh, it's the perception of others. Don't want to break my heart or his, and what of our children? I find myself so far in an unknown future. That I'm still letting remnants of my past and of those I know to infiltrate my thoughts. And it requires continuous work to say, well, can I create a new future?
[00:06:58] And I love that I get to do that with my men. I love that as uncomfortable as it is, we spoke about divorce before we decided to get married. We spoke about what separation would look like. And that it would not not, and that it would not look like us tearing shreds from each other. We spoke about how we would separate assets and I know for some that that might be counterintuitive but for me personally and possibly for him afterwards it was part of the healing because it was part of the conversations that just weren't the done deal at the time that I would have got married in definitely time he would have got married.
[00:07:49] And then there's the other elephant in the room. That the traditional mode of monogamous marriages [00:08:00] is deeply patriarchal. Just the vows. I mean, we've got a celebrant and, you know, we both had a conversation with her, so looking forward to it, explained we just need the bare minimum. Whatever makes it legal.
[00:08:15] And even the legal aspects for someone like me who does not like signing any legal document. I know, I'm still working through it, don't judge me. Really had to lean into this. Sometimes we are in the very system we are trying to change and that is a mindfuck and a half. And I know every now and again I have some other devout feminists in particular saying so why are you getting married?
[00:08:46] One reason is because I believe in us. And obviously the us, my love and I, but us the collective. In being able to rewrite the narrative to shift paradigm by decolonizing traumas that we have experienced in the past. Now this isn't to say that everything will be perfect and hunky dory, but I'll have a different lens on it.
[00:09:13] I know that it'll be okay to remain the individual that I am and dream big without the notion that we must die once we marry. And when I say we must die, who we are, our dreams, our aspirations. And this isn't just speaking for me, nor do I want to speak for him, but that's a big part of who I am and who we are.
[00:09:39] And although I do not have all the answers, or
[00:09:45] Admit that this will be the last podcast I talk about this. I know that I'm going to try. I know that I'm going to keep cleaning my trauma that's associated to [00:10:00] the really harmful separations we see and sometimes the really harmful marriages that continue.
[00:10:10] So I finish with this. I'm so looking forward to the day. My love and I get to celebrate our love with loved ones. And on the premise that we can continue to keep love at the center of everything, even during the hard times, the times when we cannot see the next steps of the wood for the trees. I truly believe whatever happens, we will be okay.
[00:10:37] I love you.