Ep. 3 Breaking the Chains of Self-Doubt and Embracing Vulnerability for Wellbeing

Have you ever grappled with self-doubt, that insidious little voice that inhibits growth and progress? This week, join us as our guest, Kyle Golden, unpacks his personal battle with this invisible enemy. He paints an intimate portrait of his journey through darkness and the struggle with stagnation that self-doubt can impose, illuminating the liberating power of self-forgiveness. Be ready to confront the destructive potential of doubt, learn how to break its generational patterns, and unravel the road to liberation.

Ever felt the sting of unresolved communication issues in relationships? We all have, and this conversation is for you. We dissect these issues, shedding light on the significance of forgiveness, the necessity to confront detrimental behaviors instead of bottling them up, and how our past experiences can sharpen our communication skills. Brace yourself for a deep dive into understanding anger, communication, and relationships.

The ride gets even more thrilling as we navigate the terrain of vulnerability and trust on the path to mental and spiritual wellbeing. Our guest, Kyle, demonstrates that embracing discomfort is the gateway to personal growth, and sharing your struggles can be transformative. We also highlight the importance of trust, not only in the person you're opening up to but also in their spiritual discernment. Get ready to learn, evolve, and become part of a conversation that could change your life.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:45

All right, y'all this episode. We're gonna continue the conversation with my man's, kyle Golden. He's gonna answer some more questions. We're gonna dive into some more of his story. I can't wait. So, without further ado, let's get to it. So how did you identify the mental and emotional barriers that were holding you back when you were, like you could say, from an aspect, when you were in counseling and you were working through those things, or just in your natural growth and maturity? How did you know that something was, there, was something in the way, mentally or spiritually, that was hindering your progress or growth?

Speaker 2: 1:32

I would say it was hindering my process, my growth. It was a point because during all this time, like I was going to church, you know I was going to church, but I was kind of shut off. I had to stay in. Elwin tried to get me to join the discipleship group and I was like, eh, I don't know, I think I'm kind of gonna do these other things this and that or go this direction.

Speaker 2: 1:56

And during that time, like I said earlier, like I said, I was in a dark place, but I can't express to you like how dark a place it was. I was having thoughts I never had before. Okay, like thoughts of, like harming myself to the point yeah.

Speaker 2: 2:13

I've never. I'm not that type of person. Yeah, I've never had that before, absolutely. And in that, when I really started to get vulnerable again and express that, I guess I saw that weakness that was there and I saw the things that were hindering and holding me back holding me back at being a good fiance to Olivia, holding me back at being a good father to Layton, because I in my head I was like I can't even be a father to my son down in Texas, that my baby mom was keeping me from so how can I be a good father to him?

Speaker 2: 2:55

in my head that's what I was thinking. So obviously I know that's not the case and, to be honest, this goes back to a pastor G's message. I truly truly and this is kind of going back I truly truly got free. He said you need to forgive others. Yes, but I had to forgive myself Absolutely.

Speaker 1: 3:16

And dude, I'm glad you said that, because men I think men have a harder time with that than women do yeah For giving ourselves, you know, because women will tell each other girl I ain't your fault, Don't take that on yourself, he ain't no good.

Speaker 1: 3:45

But, men, you know we, if a God tell us that, we hear it, but we ain't really doing anything with it. We hanging out with some girls, but, man, I told you she was no good, blah, blah, blah. It's just like, you know, we, we still carry like. I made that decision, yes, I, I put myself in it, and it's like I don't like the fact that I put myself in that situation. I put myself in that circumstance and it backfired, it hurt me, it damaged me, and now I have to live with all this mess, when I could have just did this instead, yeah, or I could have did that instead. And so, as a man it's like man I suck at making decisions.

Speaker 2: 4:29

You're literally speaking the exact thoughts I was going to provide, and you know what that causes, though.

Speaker 1: 4:35

That causes a spirit of double-mindedness. Cause, when you it causes, it also causes this mistake woman, you are going to be in this situation. Lose trust in your ability to make the right decision and the right choices. You always second guess everything, and the scripture says that. What type of man is it that's unstable in all of these ways? A double minded man? A double minded, it gets the spirit of double mindedness. You, when you become double minded, you're unstable in all your ways. It's very it's. When you're double minded, you don't know if this through, if it, when you're double minded, you can't commit because I don't know if this is right one for me and James one.

Speaker 1: 5:15

James is telling you James, a bond servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, to the 12 trials which are scattered abroad. He's saying greetings, what's up that? Everything that you go through is for your benefit, because it says my brother and counted, all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have this perfect work that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom and this was your saying let him acts of God who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him acts in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, driven and toss by the wind. For let not the man, that man, suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord. He is a double minded man. That's what I was talking about. When you can't make up your mind, and when you lose faith and are when you can't forgive yourself, you don't trust yourself to make the right and you start doubting yourself. And it says he is a double minded man, unstable in all his ways. Because if you're double minded about this thing, you're probably double minded about a lot of other things too. Everything, because you can't commit, you can't keep a job, you can't stay like you can't stay a convoy to guys, because now you're paranoid and you think everybody's trying out to get yourself. So when you don't forgive yourself, there's a domino effect of just double mindedness that leads to just fooling out, being crazy Straight up Like Nebuchadnezzar, and check this out though. So doubt is a seed that has to be water with more doubt. You have to create a record of doubt so that it's a monstrous effect on you and some people.

Speaker 1: 7:31

I believe doubt is different from like if someone has a generational curse, because I believe and this is just my personal belief, so with the whole generational curse thing, because you could say some people think that double mindedness has passed down. I'm not saying it is an artist, not but for me, what I've noticed in ministry and with dealing with people is that usually a generational curse is an invitation when double minded, when doubt is self developed. But a generational curse is just an invitation, strong invitation, but it's still an invitation. So say that you have a generational curse of like, so, like alcoholism, so you have a generational curse of alcoholism. So it's not guaranteed that you're gonna struggle with alcohol, but it's saying that that invitation is a strong invitation. So when you're going through something very difficult and you have a strong desire, which is an invitation to drink something, you don't necessarily have to do it, but the invitation is there and it's strong and it's easy to fall into because the generational curse is there.

Speaker 1: 8:54

But I think doubt is more dangerous than that. Hear me out. I think doubt is more dangerous than a generational curse because everything that compels you for more doubt it's your own doubt that you've built up. So it's not like some people say, oh, my daddy's just struggled with this, my mama struggled with this and then I struggled with this. That's true, but with doubt you have a track record of all the area that you doubted and that you sabotage yourself and that it didn't work out because of your doubt, and so now it has grown into even more doubt.

Speaker 1: 9:31

So what you say? Because with the generational curse you could break that thing in the spirit and be done with it, and just you know. You know, put up your boundaries, but without you have to change, literally change the way you think. With a generational curse, you just buying that thing, set up some boundaries and you be like look, I don't drink, why? Cause if I take one I'm going all in. But without you can't say, oh, I'm gonna just doubt three times, I ain't gonna doubt five times like my mama did, but I'm gonna doubt two times. So it's a kind of human behavior. Yes, it's built, it's a built in habit. There's a cause, doubt is a habit, and so bringing it full circle as men, as men, do you think it's easier, cause we're talking about forgiving ourselves Do you think it's easier to forgive yourself than are to forgive others.

Speaker 2: 10:35

It's easier to forgive others. Yeah, 1000%. It's easier to forgive others Easier to forgive others. But even when you try to forgive others, it's not the true forgiveness cause. You have to forgive yourself first. So I'm gonna explain that, because here's the thing I can forgive you for something that you did, whether it be intentional or unintentional, but I don't forgive myself for allowing you to do it to me, absolutely. So when I don't forgive myself.

Speaker 1: 10:59

I go back to not forgiving you later. Because if you don't, here's why that makes sense. If you, so what you're saying so I can, so people can hear it is that it's easier to forgive others than to forgive yourself, because you will forgive others and not forgive yourself and end up right back not forgiving them. And here's why because the unforgiveness that you have for yourself becomes a trigger for the unforgiveness towards them. So you like man it's I heard this, ah, this is so good, so thank you, thank you, Holy Spirit. So I heard this. I heard this.

Speaker 1: 11:50

I was listening to a training for mental health coaching and he was like, as a mental health coach, we have to let people know not to lie to people unintentionally Not like, don't tell like. But he's like, in the realm of forgiveness, don't tell somebody, oh, it's cool, like. Instead of saying I forgive you for what you did is what you did was wrong and I didn't appreciate it, but I'm gonna forgive you, instead of saying that you're like don't even worry about it, it's nothing. No, that's a lie, it wasn't nothing. You do need to know that that was wrong, right, right. Don't say don't worry about it, because here's what I've learned what you don't confront no, no, no, no. What you don't protest, you promote, oh wow.

Speaker 2: 12:48

What you don't, protest you don't.

Speaker 1: 12:50

What you don't protest, and I know people don't like to word protest. So what you don't confront?

Speaker 2: 12:55

you promote.

Speaker 1: 12:56

So if someone and this goes for children too if my son gets mad and flips the chair and kicks over the garbage, can and I say don't worry about it. Little guy, I understand. You know you're upset that I took your switch.

Speaker 2: 13:14

You know, just yeah, and so and here's mine.

Speaker 1: 13:18

It's cool, I'm flipping over trash cans. I'm kicking trash cans, flipping chairs and stuff because I'm upset. That's a valid way to express my frustration. It's to act out like that because my dad said don't even worry about it. It's cool. I understand you was upset. But if I say, listen, I understand you're upset, but that does not mean you can kick over this garbage can and flip over this chair, because that is normally doing something that you know could be potentially harmful to others and it's not your stuff. Right? You didn't buy that. This doesn't belong to you and you're just damaging stuff. So you were wrong. I forgive you and I still love you, but that is not okay, that is unacceptable and it should not ever be done again. And if it does happen again, there's gonna be consequences, because I've told you.

Speaker 1: 14:19

But if I just say don't worry about it and we do that with relationships all the time and then isolate folks and cut them off, we be like your bro, talk to you like your bro, say, hey man, I'm gonna meet you at the whatever, I'm gonna meet you somewhere and we gonna do something, and he blows you off and you be like, hey man, I thought we was gonna hang out. Oh, yeah, man, something came up, blah, blah, blah. And you say I don't need to worry about it, I understand, stuff get busy, stuff happens. They gonna keep doing it. And then in his mind, if someone says, hey, man, you wanna come do this? And he knows that I have to go hang out with Kyle. But then he's like, but Kyle knows, kyle's understands, forget Kyle, I'm gonna go hang out with this guy because if I blow this guy off, he's gonna let me have it Right, mm-hmm, yeah. And so we have to say, bro, I understand life gets busy, I understand life gets in the way, like, can you just send me a courtesy text, right, you know, just let me know that you ain't gonna be able to make it and I'm waiting on you. Right, you know, I was like I forgive you, you know, because I understand the circumstances, but, man, we can't do that.

Speaker 1: 15:26

No, I remember one time Stan was like he's like, bro, man, you gotta communicate better. He was like, man, I didn't understand that you meant what you said when you said that. That was not how I took that. And I was like, okay, I get it, I need to be more, you know, clear. But you just came by, I don't worry about it. And when he said that, that made so much sense to me.

Speaker 1: 15:55

How many people and here's what we'll say stuff like oh man, that's okay, don't worry about it. And then inwardly we be like man, I ain't messing with that dude, no more. But we never confronted the behavior. We just in ourselves said I ain't messing with that dude, no more. So now when he like hey, man, you trying to kick him, you like no, I'm busy Doing what, whatever, I'm just not gonna be with you. And then that person's like man, what's wrong with dude? And in our mind we like he should know, yeah, but you didn't tell him, but we didn't communicate, we didn't communicate and we allowed it. And so now it seems like we're promoting it and we're not. We just don't have the skills or the tools or the courage to say yo, that was filed what you did, but I forgive you, let's still have relationship. Well, why do you think? I don't know if anybody can hear me. Why do you think?

Speaker 2: 16:54

that people do that Because they had to do it at some point in their lifespan.

Speaker 1: 16:59

For them to use that as a self-defense mechanism for them to actually shut down like that, for them to feel not scared but be passive in that area. So why do you think people do that? Why do I think people do that, and what could have caused that? I mean, I give you a perfect example. It could be a number of reasons. It could be that that's how you were dealt with growing up. It could be that you come from a non-confrontational family.

Speaker 2: 17:33

You know I've seen that. Was that all fallen or generational?

Speaker 1: 17:35

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but here's something to consider. So if I was in this situation and that happened and someone and I was having this conversation and I wanted to know where that came from, I would ask them when that person blew you off. I want you to go back to that feeling. How did that make you feel Like, really get that in your head, like that feeling that you had when that person blew you off? I want you to get that in your head and I want you to think back to the first time you ever felt that way. So someone blew you off. You have that feeling in your mind and now I want you to think back. Where was the first time that ever that you ever felt that same feeling? Some people might say, because I've had this happen.

Speaker 1: 18:41

I said, man, I was in school and the teacher overlooked me and I tried to tell her that she overlooked me and she belittled me and told me to stop worrying about things like this and get over it and that, and I hated that feeling.

Speaker 1: 19:08

So what I did?

Speaker 1: 19:09

Instead, I just start cutting people off when they the first time that they blow me off, cause that's what I did to that teacher, that teacher, that teacher had me do all the work and then, when it was time for me to share, she looked over me and gave everyone else an opportunity, and then, when I tried to let her know in a loving way, that, hey, you, you skipped me, you, you, you blew me off, and then you want to come down on me condescendingly and tell me to stop worrying about little stuff, grow up. And so, from that moment on, I stopped expecting anything from her. So now, when someone makes you feel like that, you repeat the cycle. You cut them off because you, you're in your mind, you're done. You're just like that teacher who belittled me and told me to stop worrying about small stuff. So it could be that they had an initiating experience that caused them to build a habit of cutting people off instead of actually talking things out. And this is what I've learned what you cannot talk out, you will act out, most definitely.

Speaker 2: 20:26

What you cannot talk out.

Speaker 1: 20:28

So if I don't have language to say what I'm feeling, or if I don't feel like I have the ability because of someone else's response, or I feel a rejection of their response, then I will act it out and hopefully you catch it. Legit, legit, you know, and that's with anybody. That's human nature. That is literally human nature. My son has a transformer toy. Bumblebee Shout out to that yellow Camaro and you and Bumblebee, if you drop the Camaro, it's supposed to transform into the transformer so you can play with it.

Speaker 1: 21:05

Well, his brother's broke a piece and it didn't transform. And he was in his room just slamming the transformer, just slamming a joint on the ground, and I'm like I'm about to whoop his tail. And no, holy Spirit stopped me and said ask him why he slamming the toy. And I'm like it don't matter why he doing it, it's still not what he's supposed to be doing. And so I asked him. I said, I said, son, why are you slamming the toy? And he's my, he's not my son.

Speaker 1: 21:39

He talks pretty good, but he didn't have the words to say like it's not doing what it's supposed to do. So in his mind he's like it's broke. I'm like, no, it's not, you're playing with it, it ain't broke, and he and so what he did? He didn't have the language to talk it out, so he was acting it out before I get that revelation. So he goes and grabs his brother's Optimus Prime and he drops it and it turns into Optimus Prime. Kids are so smart man and I'm like, oh, bumblebee broke, it broke. It's like I can't talk about that. And he was trying to see if he slammed it harder, maybe Bumblebee transformed, but he didn't have the words to talk out what was going on, so he was acting it out.

Speaker 1: 22:36

And I started thinking man, it's grown men doing this Right every day. Every day, I'm going through something at home, but I can't talk to nobody, so I'm at work.

Speaker 2: 22:51

Customer's doing stuff.

Speaker 1: 22:53

Why this is on my desk. You know this ain't supposed to be on my desk.

Speaker 2: 22:58

Throwin' stuff, boy. We're in it at home, yeah what.

Speaker 1: 23:02

Yeah, we're in it at home, you acting out and I'm like bro. All I said was we moved to meet him to three instead of two. I'm tired of y'all always changing stuff and you think I'm just going to be doing everything you want me to do when you want me to do it Like I ain't got a life. I'm like bro, we all got to go to the meeting dog. What's going on? You is acting out right now.

Speaker 2: 23:34

Straight up acting a fool, I know, hey bumblebee broke.

Speaker 1: 23:40

Bumblebee broke. I'm still in Japan. That's funny.

Speaker 2: 23:44

That is funny man.

Speaker 1: 23:46

That is funny. I want to end it with this If you can give one piece of advice to a man that's watching or listening about how to take the next step to do the work in their life, to get the help or to on their journey of doing the work for their mental and spiritual well-being or in journey, what piece of advice would you give to help them do that work?

Speaker 2: 24:20

This is another quote from Stan Jackson that lives ripped free in my head. But you're going to have to get uncomfortable to get comfortable. You're going to have to get uncomfortable to get comfortable. You're going to have to get vulnerable. You have to get really vulnerable, not only with others, but you have to get vulnerable with yourself.

Speaker 1: 24:38

Yes.

Speaker 2: 24:39

And you're not really going to be able to look outward anymore. You're going to have to look inward. Come on, come on, because Come on, once it truly started to look inward and focus on what truly mattered. And when I say what truly matters, I don't mean matters in the world, I mean what matters in the kingdom being a man of God?

Speaker 2: 24:59

Yes, being the man he's called me to be. Things just started to fall in the order and just me being obedient. Things would seem like they weren't going the right way, but in my obedience, somehow or some way, things always seem to work out. Hey, Just simple. I mean I'm not going to really get real crazy about it, man, you said a lot, but it's good.

Speaker 1: 25:29

It's good and we're not going to unpack it at all now, but you said a lot. You said be comfortable being uncomfortable.

Speaker 2: 25:38

No, you've got to get uncomfortable to get comfortable.

Speaker 1: 25:41

You've got to get uncomfortable to get comfortable.

Speaker 2: 25:43

Yes, you've got to get uncomfortable to get comfortable and I'm going to say I'll tie this together, I guess you could say, because a lot of people don't want to be vulnerable. When you get vulnerable, that's when you're going to start to see the truth.

Speaker 1: 25:57

Yes, yes, it makes you very uncomfortable.

Speaker 2: 26:00

It makes you very uncomfortable, it makes you very uncomfortable, so I'll say it's ok.

Speaker 1: 26:06

Would you say that? To me it sounds like they're just going to learn how to. They have to learn how to trust someone with their mess.

Speaker 2: 26:21

Got to give it up to somebody.

Speaker 1: 26:23

You got to trust somebody with your mess. And I tell you what that's game changing. When you can trust someone with your mess, you start seeing the Lord work, the rest and everything and everything. And I, okay, I'm going to say this and we'll switch seats.

Speaker 1: 26:49

So I learned this from a guy named Pastor Jimmy in Atlanta at the Eileen conference it was a session called Manchurch and he said he was talking about vulnerability. And he says this is how you know you're grown in your maturity in the in the area of vulnerability, when you can trust someone with your story or with your baggage. Okay, if that person tells someone else to illustrate a point or something like that, and he said he was. And this leads to what I said earlier about freedom Freedom is when you have nothing to hide and vulnerability is. It's a step towards freedom. And when you're vulnerable with someone and you trust them with that vulnerability, you also trust them if they don't keep it to themselves. Cuz you're free, what do you got the hot? You're free. Whether they do it or not, you got nothing to do. That's revelation that when you can trust someone to the point, if they share what you told them, that's good.

Speaker 1: 27:57

Now there may be having a careful conversation afterwards like look, dog, you give a little reckless with the stories that I've been sharing with you. Like Now the right way to do it is like, hey, man, I was talking to Tom, I was talking to Tom and Tom was going through something and I felt, I felt like Cal, your story Would have helped him and what he was going through, so I shared how God worked in your situation so that time can have the, the motivation and the expectation of that same type of freedom. Yes, good stuff, man, I appreciate that. But if I'm just going around just like y'all, y'all know, man, he's cow was jacked up cuz man, let me tell you, my man was in Texas wild and it's like, bro, what are you doing? I'm just saying, man, you know you can trust me, though.

Speaker 1: 28:54

But I'm free and I can say I was in Texas, I was wild and out but, but it sounds like that to do the work, there has to be an element of trust there and you don't trust man.

Speaker 1: 29:09

Whoo, this is good, this is gonna help somebody. Don't trust the man, trust the God in the man, amen. So if I'm telling you something, if I tell my brother, kyle something, I'm trusting Cal, but, more importantly, I'm trusting the God and Cal to have discernment of what to do with what I share with them. Yes, and If he does share with someone, I trust him enough to know to give him the benefit of the doubt that he had a good reason, mm-hmm. But if you going around is just telling Bounds, so no man, I appreciate, I appreciate the conversation. You're definitely going to be a regular. Like I said this, this, this podcast is is Founded on the relationships in the, in the conversations that we have in our times of prayer, and so there's gonna be a lot of Regurgitating what we the conversations that we had in prayer, and I appreciate that.