Ep. 8 The Role of Community in Overcoming Personal Hurdles w/ David Simmons

Do you ever feel like you're wearing a mask, pretending to hold it all together, while you're secretly struggling under the weight of hidden emotions? You're not alone. As men, our mental health can often take a backseat due to societal expectations of remaining 'strong'. This captivating conversation unravels the significance of community, vulnerability, and prioritizing mental health, especially for us men. We dig into the challenges of overcoming personal hurdles and the substantial role a community can play in reaching our full potential.

Imagine having a safe space to bare your soul, a place to defy the taboo of vulnerability among men, and a tribe that encourages your growth. Sounds too good to be true? Well, it isn't. This episode echoes the compelling journey of a guest who discovered the importance of mental health, and vulnerability and found his tribe. He shares, with admirable courage, his deep-seated issues, the confrontations that triggered growth, and the divine guidance that led him to his tribe. His journey is a testament to the transformative power of a supportive community. So, gear up and get ready to be inspired to construct your own space of healing and self-discovery.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:45

I appreciate you telling your story, I appreciate you sharing some of the ways that doing the work looked like for you. But for someone who's listening who may think, okay, I've done the work, or I'm doing the work, but how do I maintain it? What does what does? Or I haven't reached the level that you've reached in your mental health battle, but I can feel that something's not right, and so I want to be proactive, and I don't want to have to get to that low, low point. I want to do things now that can keep me mentally healthy. So what would your advice be for men that are listening who want to maintain or be proactive in their mental health?

Speaker 2: 1:34

Man. I think we trust on it and I think the biggest thing is community. You got to find them, people, but people always say, why can't find nobody? And it could be the fact that you're just not looking for them. You have to find community. That would be intentional, yes, and that means you have to. And the biggest thing is be vulnerable, and that's a cuss word, especially to men. That is a cuss word.

Speaker 1: 1:59

Men are, and I might get in trouble for this, but I think sometimes men are more moody than women.

Speaker 2: 2:06

Absolutely, oh absolutely, when it comes to finding their people.

Speaker 1: 2:10

It's like you try to put yourself out there. It don't go right. I'm done, I'm mad, I'm upset, but it's like, come on, and then we mask that through vices.

Speaker 2: 2:22

I don't need nobody.

Speaker 2: 2:25

I'm a self medicate myself with whatever I want and that could be like the biggest thing of Bitcoin. It's like sex people just go and they'll prod themselves in the award and we have different parts in our brain. One of them is the reward area, and that area says, okay, you felt this one time, it was very great, we love that, seek that out, seek that out, seek that out. And that's why you have people that go on these binges of like just different women or different weird drinks or club life, people seeking or trying to celebrity status and a lot of it's sad a lot of great people, millionaires, billionaires, famous celebrities deal with that and they won't, because they won't be vulnerable and find someone to help them.

Speaker 2: 3:15

They'll seek the applause, they'll seek the fanfare, the lights, the praise, and it's so damaging. And whenever someone wants more.

Speaker 1: 3:23

they run. Or they cut it off or they. You trying to change me?

Speaker 2: 3:28

You're not good at me. Anyway, I never should have got with you in the front. I should have left you when I run out.

Speaker 1: 3:32

Yeah, yeah. I remember when I was dating Cassandra in high school and she broke up with me and because I grew up in the church, we both grew up in this church, in denomination, where it was like fire and brimstone all the time, Like if I do anything wrong I'm going to hell, and so I didn't hold her hand.

Speaker 2: 3:55

I didn't kiss her I didn't do.

Speaker 1: 3:57

I was like look, I ain't going to hell For no Bible sayings.

Speaker 2: 4:00

Paper Bible sayings you were King James. Bible sayings King James only.

Speaker 1: 4:05

Bible sayings.

Speaker 2: 4:07

Well, you read another translation you were in a vomination, you were in hell. You don't do that.

Speaker 1: 4:12

Yeah man. So she broke up with me and she was like I just feel like you're not as affectionate and you don't really like me or love me or whatever. And so in that moment I was like, fine, if that's what women want, I'm going to go to the extreme and I'm going to treat them like some straight dogs. And I was going from college to college, from party to party, intentionally doing what I wanted to do in the area of women and not caring, yeah man. And it all went back to how I felt, not saying it was Cassandra's fault, but how I felt in my role, in her dissatisfaction. In my mind I'm saying I'm doing everything right and that's not enough. Then why even try? Why I'm just going to do what everyone else is doing and you deal with the drama and the outcome, because I'm going to move on and that's that suppression.

Speaker 2: 5:16

I'm going to suppress how I feel, suppress all that stuff, and I'm going to do what I want to do.

Speaker 1: 5:20

And I learned to maintain my mental health and our marriage that I could not compromise. And I know this is not very popular If people say, man, marriage is all about compromise. In my house we don't compromise because we said I don't want a doctor who compromises, I don't want to live in a house with a compromise foundation. If I go to a bank I don't want my bank to say you know what? We really ain't got enough money. But hey, let's just compromise, let's give you this, you just take this, we'll give you the rest later.

Speaker 1: 6:01

I know you want this much, but we can't give you that much, let's just compromise. So we have a thing where, for our mental health, my wife and myself, we don't compromise. So if I want to do something that she doesn't want to do or she want to do something that I don't want to do, we have to talk it out. We have to say, okay, let's get to the root of this. Why don't you want to do this? There's really no good reason. And you know what?

Speaker 1: 6:28

Sometimes it goes back to a past experience that we don't want to experience again, and so we avoid doing something that could potentially trigger us to that response, and we have to confront it and say you know what? That's not of God. We're going to push forward, we're going to be aware that this is a possibility, and if something starts to trigger, I'm aware of it, you're aware of it, and we can attack ahead on. But we're not going to compromise and say we're not going to go that way or we're not going to do that. You know what I'm saying. And so we have to deal with some things in that way and our lives. Confrontation has become an invitation to do deep work, absolutely, absolutely, and so we love it.

Speaker 2: 7:16

And I think one thing you said and I think that everyone should take note of that is like learn to ask why.

Speaker 1: 7:22

Like, learn to ask why.

Speaker 2: 7:23

That's another thing like how to do the work, how to build that community. Give people to ask you why.

Speaker 1: 7:29

And that can ask you like really probing questions.

Speaker 2: 7:32

I feel like that's probably why I don't have a lot of friends now, because I'm looking at you. I'm like you know what I'm hearing is, so why do you do that? And it's like man, can you just not be deep for my name? I'm like it's in my nature.

Speaker 2: 7:48

I don't know if this is who I am, and I think, but you need people like that and you're absolutely that will be willing just to ask you some hard questions and even when it bothers the stew out of you if it boils your cabbage, you just got to do it. I hate cabbage, you just got to do it. And it's necessary and that's how we get to that place when we need to get you Learn how to ask why and be okay with people asking you why, and if you don't have an answer, right then and there say that.

Speaker 2: 8:15

Let me think about it, but I'm going to give you six hours Tomorrow. I'm going to ask you that, so we need to figure out what's going on. But I'm thinking if we would get around people, healthy men, healthy community, that would be like you know what I need to talk this out.

Speaker 1: 8:34

No, I appreciate it, because that's so true. I remember, by a year and a half, maybe two years ago, I was contemplating making a transition and I had called you and I was just telling you my frustrations about the position that I was in. And the first question was like so, herald, why are you still there? And I was like but is that really the reason? I'm like, here we go again. And I was just like, bro, just tell me what to do. He's like no, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I just really want you to like why? Why do you accept that? Why do you think this is what God wants for you? Why, like? What is it that is keeping you loyal to a situation or a circumstance that is not serving you in the way that it needs to? And he's like and if you feel like this is where God wants you, you just got to empower through it. He's like more power to you. He's like but, and this is not God's will and it's yours, why can't you let?

Speaker 2: 9:53

it go. Yeah, man, I'm telling you why is a weapon.

Speaker 1: 9:58

And why?

Speaker 2: 9:59

is a weapon and it helps tremendously. Choose trying to navigate through anything, you have to be willing to talk through why. That's why, even in movies they're like why, why, why. And I'm like come on, let's finally blow up, cause like they just push that thing out of you, but like sometimes he just needs it, it's my kids, man.

Speaker 1: 10:17

No, why Dad, why Cause? I said why do you say so? Shut up, just go to your room, like God.

Speaker 2: 10:26

It's just something else.

Speaker 1: 10:27

But yes, yes. So maintaining that mental health is surrounding yourself, around a healthy community, especially for men, men is hard because men, we are satisfied with doing nothing and saying nothing and just being present with one another and listen, and this might be a risk.

Speaker 2: 10:49

Don't cut it off after I say this, so like surrounding yourself and I don't have anybody. Hey, search local support groups.

Speaker 1: 10:55

Yes search them. Listen, I don't know if you know this, but I recently got certified as a mental health coach. Oh, welcome to the family. So I got my certification as a mental health coach and with specializations and addiction and recovery, and marriage and family, yes, cause that's just my life and so, and I'm also getting my master's in divinity with pastoral counseling. So I just been on a mental health care and the Lord just been sending random people to just counsel and minister and pour into.

Speaker 1: 11:39

And so I'm noticing, when you get into that mental health vein, you start noticing things that you didn't notice before, especially around the people that you surround yourself with. And so I'm noticing a lot of the people that a lot of the men in my life are content with just being not pushing, not becoming not stretching. Just I just want to be around some people that just let me be. But what if letting you be is wrong? Like the being that you're being, it's not who God wants you to be.

Speaker 2: 12:18

And I think, something that I would oftentimes say when people say that it's like man the devil's job is to get you to be, that's all. And the reason why is because if you become, you become a threat. But if you can just be, you can be anything he wants you to be. But if you become, you become a threat. And then our assignment on the earth is to become, become, become, and I think it's another word that the Bible says behold, like. So you must fully embrace, like everything you were called to be, and if you do that, you'll be one of the greatest weapons. Men were put here to be, weapons To be.

Speaker 2: 12:58

But anytime we try to shape ourselves into something completely different, we miss out on our kingdom assignment. We are to become, and that's why we I mean the world is where it's at now, cause men refuse to step up to where they're supposed to be, so like. That's why, if you're not taking care of your children, if you're not pouring into them, loving on them, you are aiding to the enemy. What the enemy's plan is cause you're allowing them to be because you're just being. But if you become, your kids watch you. They have no choice but to become. Your family is like I'm the only one.

Speaker 2: 13:28

Of my family so become that one you don't have to be like Uncle Joe and you know your third cut like. You don't have to be that way. Yes, just because it's there doesn't mean you have to always again that word, adapt to it.

Speaker 1: 13:41

You don't have to Dude. That reminds me, become the saddest. I think the saddest moment in my life with my father was the day that the Lord revealed to me that he has stopped becoming and had become, and because of that, the enemy had bound him up. And the context of this story is we invited my parents to our house. We had our oldest son and my wife was pregnant with our middle son and we were I think it was Thanksgiving or Christmas, no, thanksgiving, I think it was. So our parents came to our house and we were just hanging out in the living room and, no lie, my mom start manifesting demonically, wow, demonically.

Speaker 1: 14:38

And this is how I know People are like, okay, here, are you stretching? Like no, no, no, real talk. I've been dealing with the demonic my whole life, not even knowing it. Yeah, that's why we bruh. And so the reason I knew it was demonic is because I asked my mom. I said are you okay? And in a deep, masculine voice, she's like what do you think? And I was like, oh, at this point I was like I was like Cass, get the son, get our son, take him in the bat. This not going to go down in my house, I'm wrapping up.

Speaker 1: 15:15

I'm gonna have to think about it I was like mm-mm and so, and so the Holy Spirit said stop. I was like, oh, this is my house. No, there's no stopping. The Holy Spirit says stop and in my mind I'm like why this is unacceptable. According to the Bible, this is unacceptable. Holy Spirit said look at your dad. The whole time this was happening my dad was watching the game on TV.

Speaker 1: 15:47

Wow, not even bothered by it. She's full out, manifesting. He's watching TV. I'm looking at him, I'm looking at her. Now look back at him and the Holy Spirit says he has given in to the enemies. I don't know if I can say rain, but he's given in to the enemy's authority. He's given the enemy's authority in the name of peace. Wow, if I don't confront this, I don't have to keep fighting, I can just let this be Wow. And the only reason and the Holy Spirit showed me, the only reason that that thing showed up is because it was in a different environment. And then in that environment it was challenged. Wow. And because it was challenged, it came out to challenge.

Speaker 1: 16:47

And I was just like I start crying, dude. I start crying because the Lord had showed me that the enemy had bound my father. And the Bible says if you bind the strong man, you can plunder. The enemy plunders through the house and do whatever he wants. And the Lord was showing me that you can't cast this out because it has legal right to be there. Your father, who is the head, has granted permission for this to go on.

Speaker 1: 17:15

And I looked at him. He was chilling on a recliner watching the game and I was just weeping hey boy, what's wrong with you? I'm like, what's wrong with me, dude? Do you see this? He's completely unaware, Completely unaware. And so I went back to my wife and she was like devastated. She was like what's wrong with you? Why are you crying? What happened? What happened? And I was just like. I feel like there's no hope because of what I just witnessed and the Lord was just like. I agonized over that for quite a bit and the Lord had to show me that had you went through and did that, it probably would have left, but it would have came back Absolutely, and the mother would have been worse because your dad wouldn't have did nothing about it. He just so me stopping you was actually preventing further damage in her. Absolutely. And eventually.

Speaker 2: 18:14

I believe I mean that's biblical, yes, that is biblical.

Speaker 1: 18:17

Some people they were like what do you mean? It would have got where. I'm like look man, some things are good, but if you exercise them outside of your authority you make it worse, absolutely. And so that's why we don't just go around casting those out of random people on the street, absolutely. But. But putting yourself around people who would challenge you is important, because my father had no men in his life who would say dude, what's going on with your wife?

Speaker 1: 18:53

isn't right, it's biblical. I remember days when I would go home and visit and there's no shy to my parents. I would visit my parents and my dad would pick me up from the train station and stop by a liquor store pick up a 12 pack from my mom and I would just be like you know what?

Speaker 1: 19:21

I just got a prayer order because I can't, even if I confront it, it's not my lane. And so listen, be encouraged, get to your community. The Bible says that he places the orphan in families and that's what God did with me, that's what he did with you and that's what he can do for everyone who's listening is that he can put you in a family, and sometimes you got to try them out, you got to put yourself out there and if it doesn't work, you learn from it and you move on and you try again. And you try again. When the disciples went from town to town, he says, hey, they don't receive you. Dust off your shoes and go to the next town. He didn't say dust off your shoes and come back home, retreat. He says no, dust off your shoes and go to the next town. So if you're trying to find yourself a family, find yourself a tribe of people and it doesn't work out, dust it off, go to the next group. Keep trying, because eventually the Lord is going to show you who it is.

Speaker 1: 20:22

Man, I appreciate this. This is fun. We're going to have another one.

Speaker 1: 20:27

We're going to have so much more to say. I appreciate you for your time. It's a wrap for today. We're going to have one again and again and again. This is really my brother.

Speaker 2: 20:40

All right, man, that's it.