Ep. 10 A Tale of Personal Transformation: My Testimony Part 2

Picture this: a newlywed couple, both in college, grappling with the weight of unresolved personal issues. Sounds like an uphill battle, right? This is the story of my life. The first three tumultuous years of my marriage were riddled with personal struggles from a lingering pornography addiction to anger and financial tribulations. I had to unlearn my singlehood and learn to protect my wife and our relationship. At one point, my wife even considered divorcing me, but I was determined to change for the better.

Fast-forward to a time when I had to face the ghosts from my past. A childhood filled with trauma, and a narcissistic personality that was a byproduct of this trauma. Determined to change, I sought therapy, embraced the process, and learned to put others before myself. Now, imagine striving to reestablish trust after a crippling addiction to pornography. I had to remind myself that I deserved healing and that I was worth the effort. With transparency, vulnerability, accountability, and community, I managed to rebuild the trust I had lost. Today, I stand before you, a man free from his past, striving each day to keep the trust of those around him intact. Join me as I share this journey of self-discovery and healing.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:45

All right. So look, man, in part one I talked about from childhood, from birth, pretty much all the way up to high school, how I suffered so much stuff. Check that episode out if you haven't listened to it or watched it. But this episode I'm going to jump right into my testimony for what happened in high school, up into college and now where we are today with my lovely wife and three children doing a podcast, talking to my family right here In high school.

Speaker 1: 1:17

After high school, by the grace of God, I graduated high school. I was still a smart kid. You know what I'm saying. I've always been a smart kid. And so I graduated high school, top 10 in my class, and I got two scholarships, no, three scholarships. I got three scholarships and I ended up going to SIU. I was going to go to Michigan Technological Institute, the other MIT. All right, mti. I'm sorry, I just made a joke and it didn't even make sense. My bad, but I was going to go to MTI, michigan Technological Institute, and I was accepted, my heart was set on it. But the tuition was like 25 Gs, like a year. It was out of state, it was out of mind, it was outrageous and it was cold up there. I didn't even realize it, but they actually had a hockey team. My guy, like, for real, shout out to MTI man. I was going to go there for real, for real. But I ended up going to SIU. My guidance counselor was like, harold, you're a bright kid, you should go apply to SIU in-state tuition for the engineering program. And I was like, cool, whatever, I'm just trying to get far as away from Peoria as I can and stay in-state. And she was like, if you want to do that, go to Carbondale. And that's where I went. And so, by the grace of God, I got out of Peoria and I went to college in Carbondale. And so, in the narrative that I was showing with you guys, I'm sharing the narrative that I shared in the opening of my message, that I shared on First Wednesday at my church.

Speaker 1: 2:46

And so, by the grace of God, this young man, which is me, makes it to college and gets married while still in college, like I married my junior year y'all Like that was a big deal. That was, I won't say, crazy, it was insane. But his marriage starts off horrible and his wife threatening to leave him only after only three years of marriage because of his porn addiction, financial problems, anger issues and anger issues that accompanies it, and so. And then I go on to say on the outside, he meaning I is, this model is the model spirit field Christian guy who has been discipled, these Bible studies, are swaithfully at their church, has a wonderful wife and kids, but because of his, because his wife is fed up to the point of divorce and he doesn't want to be seen as a failure and eyes of his kids and fellow church folk quotation marks around, quote church folk who look up to him he is now having suicidal ideations. And so what was going on is um, I get married, but I have all this baggage and damage that is undone with and I bring it into marriage and she starts seeing it Now.

Speaker 1: 4:05

In premarital we went through a lot of stuff. We went through a lot of stuff and I shared a lot of stuff. I got vulnerable by a lot of stuff and we got in a nitty gritty. But even in premarital, like you steal, go home, like you don't see each other, like we only saw. Like my wife was going to NIU, I was going to SIU, and so we only saw each other at the premarital Meeting and so we were living away Long distance, so I never had to deal with her. If I got mad is just didn't answer the phone. You know I'm saying or I'm good and so.

Speaker 1: 4:38

But when we got married and she moved in with with me I should say we moved in together because I didn't, she didn't move into my place, she was like I'm not staying there. But we moved in together and she starts singing the real me. So the day in, day out, herald and she didn't like it, she didn't like him. I had a lot of growing to do. I had to get acclimated to Sharing my life. I had to get acclimated to being married and not being single. I had to get acclimated to being, to not having boundaries with women and didn't have in boundaries with them to protect my wife and I relationship.

Speaker 1: 5:19

And so I'm gonna go over this in detail and Life unscripted podcast with my wife so that I get it all right, because she gonna be there to correct me. But and you get to hear her perspective, like I think it's very important that you hear my wife's perspective about all of this To, because she lived through it with me and it was not easy. So the first three years of our marriage was really rough. Like she wanted to divorce me and it wasn't like, oh, I wanted to watch. She was like, no, like I am about to divorce you because this is ridiculous. So like you've been given ten chance after chance and you and you're getting worse.

Speaker 1: 5:56

And I wasn't sorry that I was like ruining our marriage. I was sorry that I kept getting caught. I was remorseful for being caught. I wasn't remorseful for the sin, I actually enjoyed the sin of it. I just didn't like the fact that I had got caught, and so God had to work in my heart to get me to hate the actual sin, and Not the effects of being caught in the sin, but the sin itself. And so that's a whole message on itself and the whole topic of discussion that I won't get in right now. But it's important that you start to hate the sin instead of hating the consequences of the sin, because you will always have a backdoor open our safety net there to fall into that thing again If you don't despise it and cut off all ties to it. Yeah, so we will dive deep into that with my wife, because she could tell you some stories that will blow your mind about your boy and the shenanigans that I was, that I was up to, but I said I was a model Christian man. You know, I have a disciple I had. I was leading Bible studies on Slu campus. I was a president of the Christian organization that I was a part of. I was serving in church Like I was. I was the model guy, but I was a tyrant at home, bro, like I was out of control with it.

Speaker 1: 7:22

And and I believe that women pick up On a man who's willing to cross the line, like they know it, like I believe that they, like yo. I think he willing to do it, I think he willing to push it a little further than anyone else is willing to push it. And so, like I was oblivious to a lot of my blind spots that shouldn't have been blind spots as a married man. Like there's some things that you're like oblivious to because they're a blind spot, you're not, you don't see them. Someone has to show you them. Like you have to look over your shoulder to see it. You can't see it looking in the mirror. And so there was a blind spot that should not have been blind spot. They should have been common sense knowledge for a married man.

Speaker 1: 8:17

But because I was young, I was new to this Mary thing, I know one had really showed me and told me about how to behave and how to cut ties and how it was weird. It was really weird and I didn't want to let go of some things. And there was a whole friendship phase where I'm like, oh, she, my friend, we've been knowing each other for a long time. And my wife was like you're an idiot, she is not your friend, you is not going to keep talking to her, you feel me. And so, um, and so my wife. She saw the anointed herald, because our gifts are without repentance, right, that's what the Bible said. And then she saw the, the, the um, out of control, tyrant Harold, at home with Yale, scream, throw things, break things, and pretty much lost my dog on mine, you know what I mean. And because of that she had had enough and she wanted, she wanted to divorce.

Speaker 1: 9:17

And so me, being so performance oriented and so people pleasing and so reputation driven, I didn't want to be seen as a failure. That was like the ultimate thing in my mind and I didn't want to be known and remembered as a failure and I just like I saw what doing, being honest, dead to people in church. And so I was just like, no, I'm good with that, I'm not. No matter how much Bible you preach, you are not the forgiving type. You know me. And so I was. I was committed to secrecy because that's what the church had really built into my spirit.

Speaker 1: 9:58

But on the other side of of um, so because his wife had been, um, I read that part um, he is going through life trying to hold on to everything, trying to hold everything together long enough to build up the courage to take his own life. He increases his life insurance policy I had actually increased it to the max, which was like a half a meal, yeah, half a million dollars. And, um, the sad thing was, um, I knew some people in the military who had attempted suicide in a way that would not be classified as suicide, but so that their family could get taken care of, and so I had counseled some soldiers. And no, in those situations I had counseled some soldiers in those situations and I, uh, this, uh, the enemy had me so deceiving you, like I thought I was really doing the right thing, like I really thought, like this was the best case scenario for everyone involved, even my children, like that was crazy, um, but I had increased my life insurance policy and I started inviting people to our home every weekend so that we can hang out and we will call them fellowships. Everybody's not enjoying it. I liked and loved I would invite to our house and we would just start having these fellowships and like, and the crazy part was I was having these fellowships at my house to hang out with people that I love because in my mind I was going to commit suicide. But because I said because I was inviting all these people to our house and we were just kicking in, we was having fun, was eating, we was playing games Like our, our, our Bible study group, our ministry start growing. Our ministry was growing tremendously because of the things that I were doing in preparation for suicide and it was crazy. I was just looking at the growth and I was just like man, like wow, all these people won't miss me. But but, um, I want to thank God with them one last time.

Speaker 1: 12:08

In the midst of my planning to take my own life, my wife had a dream and afterwards she tells me that if I get help Both from the church and a therapist, that she will stay, but if I don't, she will expose me for the porn addicted, condescending, manipulative narcissists that I was. And this devastated me, because the whole point of me taking my life was to leave without anyone ever knowing what was really going on With me and hopes that my wife would have enough shame and guilt From from my death that she would never tell the truth about me and our marriage and that. And now I was left with a decision Do I get help and become vulnerable or do I move up my plans and end it all that day? And I say that With a straight face he old holds that free. I can. I can look back on there and I could see the grace of God on my life, because I was in a dark place.

Speaker 1: 13:24

I was in a very dark place and my wife knew like, yeah, the church Itself is not enough, like you need some real help, you need some people who are going to be invested Into you and and church people from our experience, not all churches Don't do well With the soul. Care of people who are leaders you know and who are Seen as the models in the, in the, in the church or in the body, because it's devastating, man, it's devastating and we're doing better, like a lot of churches are really doing better with that man. You see the different stories and, unfortunately, doctor my whole doctor memories about people failing it and getting the help that they need. But still so many people are like counting them off, like yeah, yeah, I'm never gonna fall that duty getting such a hypocrite liar. But that was me, yo, that was me, and I was like so devastated but I was like my wife is willing to fight for this marriage. I Want to be in that place too and I felt I felt the Holy Spirit Was like this is gonna work for you, like this is going to work, like I've been prayed for before. I've been hate, had late, had hands laid on me before.

Speaker 1: 14:51

I've had all type of things to try to get past the addiction and the problems and the issues, but I needed intentional help and Thank God that all the people that I went to were Christians. They were Christians but they were professionals and their craft and their and their Respective vocation. And so the first, the first person that I went to was Older lady in our church, miss Norma. Bless her heart. She Walked me through inner healing, dealing with a lot of the, the childhood traumas and the, and the emotions and the unforgiveness and the bitterness and the in the narcissism and the heart and heart and the Performance orientation and the abandonment, and it was a lot of things that she kind of pulled out of my, my life story and dealt with on the spiritual level of healing from the inside out, and that went on for about a year. I Walked through that no, I'd say about a year and a half and Then I went to therapy for peer life ministries with professional therapists and counselors and my man's who was assigned to me and that we were together for, I think, nine, six or nine months, and that was phenomenal and which built even more.

Speaker 1: 16:20

He was the one who pointed out to me how narcissistic I was and I was like yo, I'm not a narcissist. He was like yes, you are like bro, you are a straight textbook Narcissist. And I was like yo, calm down, hold on, like what you? Were you coming with this bro? Like, like, like you, really, you really call me a narcissist right now. And, um, he gave me a simple test. I was so embarrassed. He said Write down all the things that you're grateful for. And I said, okay, it's too easy, right, doing all things I'm grateful for good, for my wife, my job, kids, money, pantabills. You know I'm saying, for my gifting, for my talent, for my 19, for how the Lord used me. Oh god, you know saying my skills, my education, thank God, for I'm thinking out all this stuff.

Speaker 1: 17:15

And then he, he looks at me, I turns it in. He says he says, look, man, everything on this list is centered around you, even even the things that you're grateful for for your wife and your kids, is you. He says nothing on this list, this gear towards God or towards your family. That's narcissism. I was like y'all, come on, bro, that ain't fair. And he was, he was legit. And I broke down, man, I broke down, I Repented, I was Psalms 51 all over again.

Speaker 1: 17:57

Man, I lived in some city, one like daily, and God showed me that because of the damage and the pain and the experiences that I survived, I had to be Self-centered to survive. I had to look out for self to survive. He says now you're not surviving, my guy, you're not just surviving. Now you have a whole wife and children and people who look up to you, that that you don't have to put yourself first anymore. Now, when you put yourself. First you're a jerk, you're a legit, whole jerk. Then you were just surviving, you was a kid, you didn't know no better. You was just surviving, you was a child.

Speaker 1: 18:51

But he says your man, now it's time to put away your childish things. Narcissism, selfishness, I syndrome, that's childish. That's what kids do. You grow now. You got to be selfless. You got a love, but in a copy love. You got to be that guy who's willing to give his last for the ones he loved. And I'm like You're right, I don't do those things, I don't feel that way and I really had to to ask God to take my heart of stone and change it to a heart of flesh, to where I'm not centered around myself and I could be centered around those who have been entrusted to me and who I love and care about. And and that was a game changer in my life.

Speaker 1: 19:47

And after that I went into another round of counseling because I was also at the time a pastor in training and I had shared with the denomination that I was in that I had struggled with pornography and that I had been through therapy and Interhealing and been free so many Years or months or whatever it was at the time and they was like, yeah. Yeah, it was like, yeah, it ain't enough for us, you gotta get some more counseling. At first I was mad. I was like yo, I did the right thing, I was vulnerable, but now you cast, I just using it to just tell me I'm horrible. But my spiritual mother was like you needed to get that in the light, because now the enemy can't bring that up years later when your ministry is thriving and say, oh, what about that? Everybody knows. Now it can't be just against you. I'm like, okay, that makes sense, all right, I go through it.

Speaker 1: 20:53

And so I go through all of that healing, all of that inner healing, therapy, counseling different people, retelling my story, re-going through the healing, and each time I was able to tell it without breaking, without having that oh man type moment. You know what I'm saying. And so I each level of healing I was able to share freer, like I am doing now, like I've never been able to share it so free. Now, like back then, it's even better now, like I was still like struggling through it at some points, you know. But now I'm like healed, healed, still a man and works through things. That's why I have accountability, that's why I have a community, that's why I have boundaries, but I'm free man. I'm free and there's nothing in my past, there's nothing that I've gone through, there's nothing that I've done that you can bring up, that I can be like yo.

Speaker 1: 21:57

The blood of God, the blood of Jesus, covered that and I'm good, bro, Like I've done the work and I'm good by God's grace. I've done the work and I'm good, you feel me, and so that was very important and so that's kind of the testimony and the story that I have. You know, and God, every year, man, building up that trust back, that was that was that's. It took longer for me to build the trust back up with my wife than it did the years that it took me to go through therapy to deal with my baggage Like for real, like it took a lot, but I understood. I understood, and because I was the one who had broken that trust, I had to be willing to do what it took to regain that trust. And I had to keep reminding myself, even when I thought like okay, this is ridiculous, you know that I ain't on, like this is crazy, I had to remind myself no, it's worth it, you deserve it. Like, do the work. And so, yeah, like that was it. And so to wrap up this episode, man, like that was my testimony building on the first part,