Ep. 12 Do the Work in Your Relationships: Loving Each Other to Maturity

Ready for a transformative journey? This episode is a commitment to growth, not just in your relationships, but also within yourself. Today, we're peeling back layers as we discuss the concept of 'arrested development' and how unresolved personal traumas can lead to it, stunting our growth and causing immature behaviors within our relationships. We'll also be unveiling a surprise in this episode that could be the game-changer you and your spouse are looking for!

Then we switch gears to explore love in its most challenging, yet rewarding form, the kind that pushes us towards maturity even when faced with our partner's immature behaviors. We discuss the importance of healthy confrontations and how leaning into discomfort can actually be the catalyst for personal and relational growth. We're not just talking about the challenges, but also celebrating the victories along the way. By the end of this discussion, you'll be equipped with insights and strategies to help you navigate your way to a more fulfilling and mature relationship. This is your chance to redefine growth and commitment within your marriage. Let's get started!

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:45

All right, what's good, what's good, what's good. Welcome back to another episode of Do the Work podcast. Man, I'm so excited I got this video finally on here so I can see my face. I can't see you guys face, I'm sorry, I was going to say so. I can see your face, but I can't see your face. You can see my face. You can see what I'm doing, man. I'm in the studio at home. We finally got the studio done. I mean, the studio's been done for a minute, but the camera situation was not working. We tried it and it didn't work. Then I had to regroup, re-stratigize research and I found a solution. Here we are today, baby, we're going to video you getting in the studio.

Speaker 1: 1:37

I've been doing a lot of work, a lot of reading and a lot of soul care. One situation I didn't share I love the testimonies of people who are transformed by the love and skill of God. I really love that. After a couple of podcasts, men have been reaching out to me, to you know, like, amen, amen, I'm really feeling the podcast. You want to get some coffee, you want to get some lunch, you just want to talk to you. I'm like, oh, these guys are trying to get a free counseling session. But I'm here for it, man. I'm here for it because God has anointing me for it.

Speaker 1: 2:27

But, like I said, I've been meeting with some pretty amazing guys who's been telling me, who's been sharing, who's trusted me enough to share their stories with me. But something even more amazing, man, is that our youth group has been like bowman since that message as well, because one of the things that I talked about is doing the work in the next generation and for the next generation, and so one of the great like I have a couple of the stories. I'm not going to share details because of confidentiality purposes, but man, like some of the parents who hit me up and shared the transformation that their kids are experiencing because of how the Lord is using me and their lives is humbling. It's humbling, and so I share that to say you never know the impact that you're having across generations, like literally across generations. You never know the impact you're having, man, and yeah, it's just been good, it's been good. And man, I'm just, I'm geeked, I'm geeked, I'm ready, I'm loving it, but let's get started with this episode, all right.

Speaker 1: 3:58

And so I told you I'm gonna be breaking down the different elements that I was discussing in my message on to the work Building content while I'm doing interviews with people for future content and episodes. But we talked about my testimony, we talked about doing the work in your own life and now this episode. I want to talk about doing the work and your marriage. Now I'm gonna briefly touch on this, so this won't be a long episode, because the bulk of this information will be discussed on life, unscripted, with my wife, like, yeah, we're gonna really we're gonna get into weeds with this one on that podcast. But on this podcast, you know, I'm gonna direct this primarily towards my fellas and I'm going to try to just share with you my heart and the benefits of doing the work in your marriage after doing the work in your own life, because one of the best things you can do when doing the work in your marriage is to do the work in your life, like be the person that your spouse needs and desires and then, like you won't have to do as much work in the actual marriage. You know what I'm saying, and so I'm trying not to give too much. I keep stopping because I'm trying not to give too much away, but we have something in the works that we're gonna do. That's gonna really help some couples. And so when we do the episode on doing the work for your marriage, tune in. We got some surprises for y'all and we got some things that we're gonna announce. That's coming up in that episode as well. But for my fellas, that's watching. I know women watch too. You know what I'm saying. I'm here for it. I love you. Make sure you hit like and subscribe, both on the YouTube channel and on the podcast. Thank you and yes, thank you.

Speaker 1: 6:13

But doing the work in your marriage one of the things in my message that I really shared, that I really believe that the Lord was highlighting, was arrested development, arrested development and what is arrested development. I briefly went over it in my message, but arrested development is basically when you stop growing because of trauma, and so what I was sharing is that a lot of marriages. We think we're mature enough for marriage, we think we're mature enough for relationships. We think we have finally got to that point where we wanna tie the knot and start a family and do all these things and we haven't done the work in our life to get through that arrested development. And arrested development is that you stop growing emotionally and spiritually at the place of your greatest pain or trauma. And so you have people who've gone through tremendous pain early in life and they haven't dealt with it. They just survived it and got through it, but they've never really dealt with it. And now they're in relationships and they're acting like the same age that they were hurt at. So you got 35, 45, 55 year old people acting like they 12 and 13, because something really traumatic happened that froze them, that arrested them in that state emotionally and mentally.

Speaker 1: 7:48

And so in marriage, something that's really worked for my wife and I is loving each other to maturity, and sometimes that hurts man. Sometimes love is painful and sometimes it's confrontational. And what I mean by loving to maturity is when we rub up against the immature version of our spouses, the rough sides that haven't been really smoothed out because of arrested development. They've been hurt in a major way at a young age and something we've done have triggered them to that same response when they were 12, 13 years old. And so in our minds we're thinking this is very immature of you to be acting like this, but in their mind this is perfectly, makes perfect sense, because this is familiar. The way you're making me feel is familiar, and the way that I'm acting is how I act when that happens, you know. And so when that do happen.

Speaker 1: 8:58

So, for instance, in my message, I give an example of how, when I become very defensive and argumentative, my wife shuts down because it reminds her of her father and how he was. And I had to learn that that was a trigger for her and that brought the little girl out who needed healing there. And so I had to pray through, push through and persevere to love her unconditionally, to mature from that place. And she had to do the same with me, like I'm not exempt from this either. And so what that looked like was a lot of patience, a lot of understanding, a lot of talking. I know, man, we don't like to talk. Man don't like not about all that talking, you know.

Speaker 1: 9:56

And I had to really articulate what I was feeling, had to really articulate while I was frustrated or upset or disappointed. And it wasn't like I'm saying, baby, you're a failure. It wasn't that you suck or you are not, it was like no, the situation, and it made me feel a certain way, which caused me to respond a certain way. But I want you to take it personal. So let's just talk it through in a calm voice, not loud, not boisterous, not you know, but willing to be honest and transparent with how I feel, so that she can open up to why she responded the way she did and how she feels, and that we can talk it through.

Speaker 1: 10:46

And another thing that really helped us was we don't believe in compromising. Like that's how you love each other to maturity. It's by not compromising and what we mean by that and I said, my wife and I we're going in detail with this but what we mean by not compromising is that if I'm doing something in a certain way, she's not just going to accept. That's how Harold is. Like that's compromise, that's just how he is. I don't expect him to change. I don't want him to change. That's just his quirk. Nah, bro. Like we're not compromising. This is unacceptable, you need to know it. And so, like, if I'm being immature, she's not like, oh, harold's just an immature person. She's like, no, like you need to work through this and we're going to do it together. We're going to work through this together and I'm the same way with her, like look, you are having a fit. Let's talk this out, let's get through it, because I am not accepting this as a norm.

Speaker 1: 12:00

I was talking to my brother, david, and he was like, look, we have to not take something temporal and adapt our whole life around it. We can adjust and Get through it, but we shouldn't adapt to it and it become the norm. That's compromising. We don't want to compromise, because when you compromise, you Be, you are just being. But when you're not compromising, you're becoming. You're becoming better, you're becoming a threat to the enemy, you're becoming the spouse that your Wife once, our husband once, like. That's what it means to become, and so we can't become by compromising. We can only become by having healthy confrontations and conversations. That's what it takes to become. So I've heard it this way it's like we are are blocks of wood and we're trying to fit through a door frame that we have to get through in order to become the people that we're supposed to become. But when you go through that door frame, you still have some bruises, some knots on you, and so it rubs up against that door frame and it kind of hurts, you know, because it's rubbing up against you, and so we have to be sanded in those rough spots, sand it down to get those things off of us so that we can fit through and become. But if we don't want to become because it's too painful, it's too much work, then we just be. You're gonna have to accept me for me, because I am not into, I'm not about to endure the pain To be sanded in that area, that rough area, to sand it down, to smooth it out so that I can fit and become. I'm supposed to become so, instead of becoming, you're gonna have to accept me. I'm gonna be. I'm gonna be. Nah, don't compromise and settle for being no. Lean into the confrontation, lean into the conversation. Have the difficult conversation so that you can be sanded in that area and Become who you're supposed to become.

Speaker 1: 14:42

Another example of that man I heard this from a really cool comedian, michael Michael Jr, and he was saying how he was letting someone stay with them and the person was like you always try to prove that you're right or something along those lines. And he was like no, I'm not. And they got into it and he was mad and he felt some type of way and he goes to talk to his wife and his wife says it's kind of some truth to that, like you really do be on that sometimes and he was like no, no, no, no. And then the whole experience has to be like yeah, yeah, everyone's right, you're wrong. And he had to see he had to lean into the confrontation, he had to lean into the difficult conversation and be honest and vulnerable. And when he was willing to do that and smooth out that rough Area in his life and went back to that family member like you know what, I apologize, you're right, you know I'm, so I can do better in this area and Allow that person To respond and love and love him to maturity, like that's what it's all about.

Speaker 1: 15:48

It's all about loving each other to maturity, because when you can love each other to maturity, we can all celebrate together, because we all Winning. It takes maturity to win on the next level. Like you, like the, the place that you're are now can only take you so far. You're gonna have to level up in your maturity and that is uncomfortable, that is difficult and that is painful, but once you go through it, you can celebrate on a higher level in dimension that you've never celebrated before. And so look, whether that's in a relationship, whether that's in a job, whether that's in business, whether that's in your spiritual walk, whatever domain that is in, you have to become and and that's gonna be painful in order to see the victory and the success that you desire to see. That's it. And so, specifically referring to marriage, hey, that's what it's all about.

Speaker 1: 16:43

It's all about leaning into the uncomfortability when your wife is going off on you and pointing out all your flaws because she's trying to hurt you and Cut you real deep, like there's some truth to it, but she's kind of a snob about it, but there's some truth to it, and so you take that and you allow that too, cause you to reflect and to lean in and to be smooth out in that area and be loved. Because when you let's be honest when your spouse, when she points out something in you and you do the work and lean into the confrontation, lean into the discomfort, lean into that and be like, okay, if that's the case, and that's what we're really seeing right now, let's say that now, when she see you doing the work, sending that out ops, oh yeah, you just, you just went up, you just went up a notch and you're attracted to her like for real, for real, and that creates a chemistry that creates a bond, that creates a love that cannot be easily broken. It's like look, this person not only loves me, but this person is willing to put in the work, to do the work, to lean into the confrontation, to lean into the pain of their blind spots and to deal with it and to work towards it so that we can live in harmony together. And when you see that in her, oh boy, talk about matrimony, holy matrimony. It's a lovely thing, man, because now you're feeling just as love from her as she is from you, because now you're both doing the work in your marriage but also on each other. And so that's, man, that's what it's all about.

Speaker 1: 18:34

And one thing that I mentioned in my message, man, was that marriage is not about being happy. It's not about being happy, it's about addressing the things and the issues and the baggage that you refuse to address. But you have to now, because you've married this person, you live with this person, you do life with this person, and they see you, all of you, and they like look, that part is ugly and you need to do something about it. And so it's. And happiness and joy is a byproduct of becoming more like Christ and becoming more of one. Join together Like that. That, becoming that, addressing that, leaning in to the difficult things and loving each other to maturity, to get past that arrested development that we all have at some level.

Speaker 1: 19:44

You know some people arrested development as, like a teenager, but some people arrested development maybe in their 20s and 30s and now they're in their 40s and it's like, hey, you don't have to go as far back, but you're still stuck in the past, like you need to work on that. And you know you, you're, you're arrested development, maybe church hurt from the last church that you were at and you can't fully engage and be used in the in this new church because you have arrested development from the last church. And I've seen it happen with churches, I've seen it happen with people on jobs. Like you you've, you're stuck at the last job that did you wrong so that you can't see and give people a benefit of the doubt and be progressive in the new job. That's been a blessing to you, because you stuck emotionally and mentally and the old job that did you wrong and you still seeking revenge and restitution for that. You don't, you can't fully comprehend and receive what's right in front of you with this new job. And so I've seen it on jobs.

Speaker 1: 20:43

I've seen it in the military, where people get different positions. I've seen it with churches, when people go to different churches. I've seen it in marriages, when people leave one wife, go to another wife, or leave one relationship, go to another relationship, like I've seen it on so many different levels. Man and we have to learn to love each other to maturity so that we can become what we need to become, to be who we've been called and destined to be. And so that's my, that's my spiel for this episode, man. I hope you enjoyed it. I love you, thank you, and I'm going to wrap this series up next time with doing the work for the next generation. All right, let's go.