Ep. 15 A Journey Through Men's Emotional Challenges and the Healing Power of Vacations

Ever wondered why some men behave differently at home than in the workplace? We bring you an enlightening discussion that traverses this intriguing terrain, and more. We decode the complexities of maintaining different façades in various spheres and stress the significance of consistency and authenticity, especially for our children. We also dive into the importance of self-care and the struggles men face in expressing their emotions safely, sharing personal anecdotes that will make you reflect and rethink.

Taking you along on our journey of personal growth, we explore the undeniable value of vacationing for mental health. We recount our early experiences with travel, the hurdles we faced, and the unexpected bonds we forged by including our church in our vacations. With insights into various stress and pressure relief activities, we underline the necessity of breaks from relentless work. As we reflect on a surprise birthday surprise, you'll see how these seemingly simple acts can be a significant reminder. In our concluding segment, we recognize the value of non-traditional church platforms. We discuss how these extend beyond physical boundaries, providing spaces for critical and often sidelined conversations. Join us in this engaging and thought-provoking discussion that promises to inspire and challenge you in ways you might not expect!

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:46

Let's ship gears one more time. Let's shift gears one more time. I'm interested to hear your feedback on a conversation that I was privy to and listened to on the podcast about men and how they treat their home versus how they treat their workspace, and the respect level and the love level how the person you're married to, the kids that you will give your life for, that you will talk to in a way that you will never talk to a boss or an employer and you could care two cents about them Jokers but you would traumatize the people that means the most to you and walk on eggshells for the people that's treating you like crap. You go to the workplace ain't no holes punched in the wall, ain't no doors broken? But at home the kids and the wife they see a whole other version and I think that goes back to an earlier conversation where we have people trapped as toddlers. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I think that's an epidemic in men who can't self-regulate. Yeah, yeah, Because of the trauma in their lives, because of the addictions in their lives, because of the stress that comes with it. I think every man we have a guest in the room that the viewers can't see, but there's someone else here and me and my brother, we pray every day early in the morning, between five, 30 and six, and we are vulnerable, transparent, about the things that we're going through.

Speaker 1: 2:53

There's some times he's like, Harold, you sound like you've done. He said you sound like you're ready to just be done with everybody and I'm like I'm not gonna lie. I'm like look, look, man, you might need to come get these jokers. Yeah, but something that I struggle with myself, that I think a lot of other men struggle with, is taking care of ourselves. Yeah, Like, how do we express all of who we are in a safe way the anger, the sadness, the frustration, all of the emotions and have a self care, have things that we can do? That contributes to our self care? Cause I don't think a lot of men really do good taking care of ourselves mentally and emotionally.

Speaker 2: 3:51

We don't. We don't that first question. I'm gonna look at it from this point of view. We live a double life. Yes, you have one life at work, then you have this other life at home. At work, you just, they look at you like man, this dude's done it, you the best thing since sliced brain gets it done, gets it done right. They said it's like this double standard man. Yeah, I feel like. And you know, a house is unstable, it's gonna fall. Yep, you know in a lot of times what goes on home it's gonna trickle over to the workplace. Come on, eventually.

Speaker 1: 4:29

Eventually, eventually.

Speaker 2: 4:31

It will trickle over eventually. So we've gotta be careful that we don't live this double life. You know, man, how can we be two people?

Speaker 1: 4:41

It's hard, dude.

Speaker 2: 4:42

It's hard to be two people. I put it this way it's hard.

Speaker 1: 4:47

You have people who live all these lives. They got one life at work, one life on social media, one life in Vegas and another life at home and you trying to maintain all these versions of you and not let anyone see the real you. But God created us to be one person. One dude, one dude we one dude and you can't compete. Man, I have enough time being me Bruh.

Speaker 2: 5:26

Can you imagine?

Speaker 1: 5:27

trying to be three of me, bruh, three of you.

Speaker 2: 5:30

You know what I'm saying, man. I'll be confused, I'll be. You know cause they be like which, Aaron, we got today you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1: 5:37

Come on.

Speaker 2: 5:38

But I'm gonna tell you who knows the real you Besides God is our kids.

Speaker 1: 5:43

Come on, dude.

Speaker 2: 5:45

I'm gonna tell y'all those who have kids at home yes, and you in ministry. Yes, man, your kids know you better than yourself. I guarantee you, yes, I'm telling you, they know you better that because they see you at home, they see you at church and they sit back and they be like this at the house.

Speaker 1: 6:02

They see they know us, dude, they know us. I saw this TikTok, this lady. She was like how we cold switch, how we cold switch at work and at home. And she walked into the workplace and she saw one of her friends that was Latina and she was speaking in Spanish. Hey girl, hey girl. And then she saw a brother who she liked.

Speaker 2: 6:23

She was like hey you how you doing, like yes.

Speaker 1: 6:26

And then she saw one of the sisters. She was like girl, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she saw one of her bosses at the Mocha machine. Hey, friend, like how you doing.

Speaker 1: 6:42

And every I was reading the comments and she and people was like I cold switch so much, I get lost in who. I am Like I cold switch all and I'm like, and I was, I was like you know how much safety and comfort that it is to be the same person everywhere you go. It's easy, very easy, and everybody know same way Aaron is at work, same way Aaron is at home, same way Aaron is on the pulpit. That dude, he talked the same way, he act the same way. You know, he joke the same way. It's like it's and people, I didn't know that was rare Because you know, when you around a lot of real people like y'all, just y'all, the same everywhere you go. And so somebody, somebody from the church, was visiting and she was sitting in the living room and me and my wife was cutting up. She was like here, what a remote. Oh, I don't know. You, the prophet, let the Lord tell you.

Speaker 1: 7:54

And that's just us, yeah and and the lady was like y'all really like this. All the time we were like, yeah, like what do you think? We were like y'all don't be cussing in the lake. No, like, we like how you see us on Sunday is literally how we are in the living room Like, and people and people are surprised by that, and I didn't know that that wasn't normal until you start getting involved with people. Okay, all right, I guess you not the same person.

Speaker 2: 8:34

Well, I'm gonna tell you what that's a mental health disorder. Honestly, thank you. Schizophrenia, thank you.

Speaker 1: 8:40

The Bible says if you a Double-minded man is unstable is Unstable and then it's in and all your ways, all your way. That means, if you unstable at home and you trying to hold it together at work, eventually, like you said, it's gonna catch up, because the Bible is not a liar. No, you are unstable in all of your way. You may be able to, you may be able to keep up the facade for a little bit, but what I've seen is people who are unstable in all their ways. Instead of exploding and people find out who they really are, they'll just quit and go to another job.

Speaker 2: 9:18

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen that happen several times. This is the thing, especially when you start holding my accountable.

Speaker 1: 9:29

Oh, don't nobody like that accountability word. Oh you judging me now?

Speaker 2: 9:36

I'm like no, you asked me to be your accountability part the first one so why are you trying to? You know? Come on. But I feel like you know, we have to understand that you, a double-minded man or woman, is unstable.

Speaker 2: 9:49

Unstable and when you said the Bible says in all your ways, that's in your money, your finances, yep, yo, yo yo. Spiritual life at home. Yeah, you're reading your word, yeah, but you get the church and you act like you can quote. There's scripture Come on. Yeah, I already, but you know so we cannot do that. But then you asked the question about how do we take care of ourselves?

Speaker 1: 10:11

Yeah, man yeah.

Speaker 2: 10:14

I must. I'm gonna come at that angle from a, from a husband.

Speaker 1: 10:19

You know one of you.

Speaker 2: 10:20

Yeah, I'm gonna look at it from a husband, one of you, because you know us men as especially as as the spouse, the husband of our house. There's times where we have to break away. Yes, we got to break away. Yes, and when I say break away, I'm not talking about you do is doing this men conference and you, I mean, that's great for some.

Speaker 1: 10:41

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 10:43

I'm talking to me. Actually, I'm talking about do what you love to do. Hmm, see, I've got things I love to do. I love I love seafood. I love, I love eating in a really, really nice seafood restaurant. I love to travel and so I, if I love to do that and Tina knows that, you know, so she respects what I love. As long as it's not you know, discrediting my family, discredited our business, our church.

Speaker 2: 11:08

Yeah, she's about that, yeah, she wants to be like go babe, you need, you need some you time. Yeah, you know. So we got to make sure that us men we get that me time. Mmm and I'm not talking about the me time hitting up the strip club. Yeah, yeah, you're back in a day. You know I'm saying that ain't, gonna, that ain't gonna help you.

Speaker 2: 11:27

You know what I'm saying. But some good, healthy me time. You know whether or not it's going to get your hair cut. It could be a simple brother, you just going to get your hair cut at the different environment, yeah. I need to get him around some fellas. Yeah, you know yeah, done that a time or two, you know, but a lot of times getting with somebody, you know some of brothers, I enjoy being around.

Speaker 1: 11:46

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 11:46

I can't be around, everybody Come cuz.

Speaker 1: 11:48

it's not that you don't like people, it's just can't be around everybody.

Speaker 2: 11:52

My personality might clash, mm-hmm you know, and it's not on purpose. Yeah, it's cause I feel like if we have different personality types and they clashin all the time, it's not gonna be healthy, mm-hmm, because it's just not gonna be healthy and it's easier to get hurt.

Speaker 1: 12:06

And won't roll unintentionally row and you hold it against that person when they just trying to be themselves. Yeah, yeah, yeah and you got to understand that about somebody. Before you be like man, I want to hang out with you. I'm like McNaughton. Yeah, yeah, Bien. Anything more on Diesege? Let me let you know what you're getting into.

Speaker 2: 12:23

No, like for real. Even when you travel with somebody yes, patsy, when you travel with somebody, I want to know the couple I'm traveling with. Come what y'all like to do.

Speaker 1: 12:33

Come on, I'm telling you cuz I ain't trying to get cut off guy trying to wait where you like and then you think we acting funny because we Like yeah, we don't really roll like that.

Speaker 2: 12:43

So it's got to be some cohesiveness. Yes, I'm like man.

Speaker 1: 12:51

I'll tell you. You know, my brother Kyle tell you too man, like you like, if you want to be One of my prayer partners, you gotta be a morning person. Yeah, like you can't just be like amen, I want to pray with you on a consistent basis and you waking up, 9, 10, doing that, have my day gone.

Speaker 1: 13:10

Yeah and I'm not staying up to 10. Wait for you to pray with me like and and and. Then you feel some type of way because Harold's not making time for me and I really want to peel relationship with her. But Harold a morning person and you think I'm being funny when I'm like a I gotta cut this short is getting close to that time for me to go to bed. It's like he ain't always leaving early, yeah well, again it's goes to that cohesive names.

Speaker 2: 13:39

We've got to be co-ed. You know the personality types, but you got to get away. You got to break away. Yeah, get some you time. Yeah, I tell my wife all the time baby go, go, go somewhere, do something that's that you need. Yeah you know she get her nails done. Yeah, all that you know, and I'm cool with that.

Speaker 1: 13:56

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 13:57

I'm cool going baby Do, do you? Uh-huh, do you? Yeah, and this needed and bro, I, I, I have found ways to to decompress. Yeah, you know, I honestly want this podcast is one of the ways. You know, because I love conversation, I love deep conversations. I know, like some people like, and this is so exhausting, I'm like, yeah, I love to have my mind Engaged in stuff and so even like, even when friends come over, man, we in deep conversation, yeah, and, and it's not like we trying to one up each other, it's just like we feed, not for one another. You ever be around somebody and y'all just feed enough.

Speaker 1: 14:37

You know, you just going back and forth, back and forth back and that's, and that feeds me, that refuses me. But I Told my wife I want to get to the place where I can take a sabbatical, because I've heard so much about how healthy sabbaticals are. Yeah, especially for men. Yeah, I was into this guy who Wrote the book a start late, live rich are, start late and rich and the latte effect he's talking about, you know. You know financial stability.

Speaker 1: 15:13

But he had this tangent where he went on he said I took a year off. He said I was meeting with a therapist. He's I was working, working, working, working, working, you know, stacking it up, you know. And then he said the therapist was like how much you got? Say you know, you know, I can live for this many years, not even work, no more. Yeah, and she said so why are you beating yourself up working 60, 70, 80 hours a week? And you, good, yeah, and she was like. He said my therapist was like you need to take a year off, don't do nothing, just do what you like doing. Yep, and get away. He said the first two months it felt like his batteries was being recharged, he said, but that third and fourth month, he said man, I feel like my batteries got replaced and I was a different like my energy levels my perspective, like everything was different.

Speaker 1: 16:07

He said I never knew how important it was to get away as a man to just get away from everything and just enjoy what I love doing, and I was like that's it. It don't have to be a year, it don't have to be a month, two weeks, Just a day, couple of days. You need to get in the habit of getting away.

Speaker 2: 16:32

Man, that's deep. Tina and I we love vacationing.

Speaker 1: 16:36

Yes, see a lot of folks, you know that's what I love about you guys, Dude I love to travel, I will roll, I'm like let's go, baby, let's go.

Speaker 2: 16:46

But it was a time in our marriage, hell, that earlier on we couldn't afford to travel. We couldn't afford it. You know, we were living paycheck to paycheck. You know, we were barely the kids were young. You know we man, we were struggling, you know, financially, until our careers start taking off and the lawyer start, you know. Okay, now you you getting to that point where you can travel.

Speaker 2: 17:06

So now it's all open door, it's like boom, let's go. So but I say that to say this, because a lot of men you made a point there where they were working, working, working, working, and then, okay, well, why are you working? Right, come on, let's go and do something. So, but we love to travel and you know we love to Bahamas, you know Jamaica, we love more in places like that, and usually when we go we're not going to church. Yeah, we ain't going, we ain't going to nobody's church. I remember we do church.

Speaker 1: 17:44

I ain't going to nobody's church. Kevon stage. He made a joke. He was like all my life I had to church. He said my parents will go on vacation based off what churches they wanted to go to where we was going. And he said so when I got old enough and it was in a put in a financial position. He said I would intentionally go on vacation and be like babe, when we go we ain't setting foot in a church. And he said, man, I got so close, as much closer to God.

Speaker 2: 18:11

Well, it's because it was. It was you know. Look, we do church all the time and and I say do churches, that's probably not the proper word, is it? We go every week, you know, that's what we supposed to do. So when it's time to vacation, we vacation, but this is the thing. We take the church with us, come on. So when we own them, cruise ships, and you know everybody, they kicking back dragon doing a thing, tina, we be sitting back like, okay, lord, we know you buy, this is a set up, but but we don't go looking for that, yeah but we just go we A lot of times.

Speaker 2: 18:47

The Lord, just bring people in your path, yep, and it's something different about you.

Speaker 1: 18:51

You know all the time.

Speaker 2: 18:52

Yeah, I love a. My wife. I tell you Get in the elevator to be people like man, something different about your work.

Speaker 1: 18:57

Where are you from?

Speaker 2: 18:58

Yeah, yeah, and but we enjoy getting away. It's important. Yeah, it's important to get away because it's good for your mental space.

Speaker 1: 19:06

It really is it really, is it really? Is good for your mental space. You know, I got, I got. I got friends that have a religious like it's religious Pickup game with some of their boys. Yeah every week and and they wise know they're like y'all go blow some steam off, like and it's in this, healthy. You know, I got some friends. They love going to the shooting range and it's just, you know, that's just what they do and it's and it's an outlet for them, you know and.

Speaker 2: 19:35

Talk about that for me. You said an outlet, man, you got me, so I'll start what you said an outlet for them. What? What you mean by that bra?

Speaker 1: 19:41

So like we as men, I feel like we take on so much and we don't and we don't release it in a healthy way. So it comes out on the kids, it comes out on the wife Sometime, it come out on the past, sometimes come out on the therapist to when the counselor, come on and it's like. It's like. It's exactly what you said when you, when you Suppressing so much and you pushing it down, and you pushing it down. I used analogy of a volcano Mm-hmm volcano eruptions. It's nothing but pressure.

Speaker 1: 20:21

Yeah being released, yeah, and when you went, the boss acted funny. Yeah, pushing it down, the wise, you know, I think you know you pushing it, the kids crazy. You pushing it down, you know, saying you you dealing with some emotional and some mental stuff and you push and then at some point you go. You go, yeah, you're gonna explode, you're gonna erupt and whoever is in your way Is gonna feel it, yep, and they gonna be offended and they go.

Speaker 1: 20:49

Some of them Gonna cut, cut relationship with you because, like you didn't went too far and and and and like I, like I, like I said, like Me and my brother, kyle, was talking about this and he was just like man Sometimes, I just got go to the gym and that's his outlet. He got go to the gym, guy, you know, get it out. You know, and, and me, being a creative person, sometimes I like to, you know, just create some stuff, you know, put some stuff together or read, or you know, whatever I do, I have, like I'm weird in a sense that my outlet is like learning yeah, yeah so my outlet is like Finding out how, like finding some new skill or some new thing and getting into it.

Speaker 1: 21:34

And my wife and she'd be like, okay, you, you lost in some stuff. I'm gonna let you be for a few hours, yeah, and that kind of recharges me because it feeds my creativity. You know, or I'm editing a video or something, I'm just getting into it. But we need outlets, you know. And perfect example my birthday, I Thank God for my wife. My wife surprised me, was just a few fellas. And and she said babe, you've been going nonstop since the summer, nonstop and she's like you need to release with your boys. And she was like I'm gonna make you hang out with some fellas and just be, just be.

Speaker 1: 22:31

And she's like, don't worry about the school word, don't worry about work, don't worry about what you gotta do around the house, you just gonna kick it. And, dude, I'll tell you afterwards. Me and my wife talked about this. I said, babe, I am so rejuvenated, just cutting up with the boys.

Speaker 1: 22:51

And I've been so on the go that I haven't had time to be like, hey man, let's kick it, or hey man, let's catch something to eat or go talk. And I feel like in my mind as a man, as a provider, I'm feeling like I can't do that because I got to chase this bag Cause I got stuff to do, bills to pay, and so I always put myself on the back burner and my wife was like I noticed that she's, like I noticed that you was putting your mental health on the back burner and, at some degree, your physical health on the back burner, because you moving, moving, moving, moving and you giving and you giving, and you and she was like I was like I ain't buying you nothing, but I'm gonna make you take a break, I'm gonna make you rest, I'm gonna make you have an outlet. And I was so grateful, dude, I woke up on Monday a new person. I was good, that's good.

Speaker 2: 23:46

I was good. I'm gonna tell you that's a beautiful thing that your wife noticed that. That's beautiful, because some wives don't and they let you keep going until you just burn out mode.

Speaker 1: 23:58

Dude, I was so convicted because, like you said, I took that for granted.

Speaker 1: 24:05

Like, not everybody has that in a wife who can realize you pushing it, bro, come on, come on. And just like you said, tina, she's like babe, you need to go do you for a little bit, and we've been blessed with women who do that. And so we don't know what it's like not to have that. Yeah, we don't know what it's like not to have that. And so we see men who are running themselves into the ground and it's like, bro, when the last time you took a break you know, I even think about with you, like we real brothers and friends, and even was it last night you was like look, harrell, if you need to push this back, you know, take some rest, bro, he said I've seen how you've been looking the past few days and we need people in our lives that can do that, Instead of always taking, always taking, always taking.

Speaker 1: 25:08

And I think it's men. One of the for me, one of the greatest self care things that I have is dudes that can be real and that care. I mean I know self care is like self you do for yourself, but like being intentional about surrounding yourself with some brothers that love you enough to say, bro, take a break, slow down, or that love you enough to be like I got this, let me help you, you know, let me, you ain't gotta do this, you know, or you know just can see some things and to pray some things, and that's been really helpful for me. It's some dudes that can be like look, Harrell, I really need you to help me with this, but I'm gonna find somebody else, Cause you tapped out, oh yeah.

Speaker 2: 26:07

Well, I look at it like this man, you know you want guys around you that value you. You know I'm telling you, man, if they value you as a person, then everything else. When you come around, they sense something is off or they like look, okay, I value my brother enough to not to let him keep going in burnout mode. Yeah, I had. I had brothers like that in my life, yourself included. You know you, just you know. You know when something's off, people come up to you man, are you good Uh?

Speaker 2: 26:40

huh, I enjoy that. Yeah, because sometimes we don't see it as men Blind spots. We, we don't see it, you know, because we carry so much the low so much over we I mean, we got broad shoulders and we just carry it. Yeah, because that's all we've done. Yeah, and so I'm thankful that we put people, that people are in our lives that value you and, like last night, I value your time, I value your gift, I value your family. I mean I because that's I know, I know how I know how things are, yeah, and I, and like I told you last night, we be pushing off, bro, you know I'm good you know my phone number.

Speaker 1: 27:16

You know where I live, right?

Speaker 2: 27:18

So I'm, I'm thankful for the gift that God has put in you. Amen, you know the gift that God has put in Cassie, your family, you are, you guys are a gym. I'm telling you, man, you're a gym to the body of Christ. What we're doing now is is another platform. Yes, you know church, just not as a. It's not the building.

Speaker 1: 27:43

Yeah, this is this is church that we're doing.

Speaker 2: 27:46

Whether they, you know, your followers see it or not. You know, because this, this things we talk about on a platform like this. You can't really talk about it over the platform at the church house, you know. And so it's important that that we understand that this is a space and and and I value your time, you know, for for everything, your effort, your gift, your call, all the hatch that you wear, bro man, you wear more hatch, man. I'm going to tell you, if y'all don't know a hair, this man wear more hats. I'm telling you he wears a lot of hats, but every hat is needed, come on, every hat is needed and I'm thankful for you, bro.

Speaker 1: 28:29

I appreciate that. I really do. I'm thankful for you, man um.